Hey there, we’re the Republican Party, and we’re pro-life!
You are?
Yup!
Cool… so you’re for affordable healthcare for everyone?
Umm, well, not exactly; we can’t just take care of everyone. Can you imagine the cost of that?
I see. But at least you’re in favor of health benefits for the elderly?
Now, that’s a bad example. People are living longer, and that’s simply not financially prudent.
Uh huh. But certainly you’re good with financial support for low-income families who may be forced to choose between vital medical care and paying their rent?
OK, the thing is, too many lazy people manipulate the system instead of getting out there and working harder to pull themselves up by their bootstraps!
Gotcha. So, then you must be in favor of increasing the minimum wage so that full-time employment will enable people to have their essential needs met.
No, we can’t do that. Too expensive.
But you’re pro-life, though?
We are!
Great. Then, you must be advocates for nutrition support programs like SNAP and WIC that help tens of millions of children and poor families living in food scarcity, so they don’t get sick or die prematurely?
OK, now, you’re just being hyperbolic.
Alright, so you claim all life in the womb is sacred and should be protected, right?
Definitely.
So, how about the life of the woman with the womb? Is her life sacred? What happens if going to term with a pregnancy will result in her dying?
It isn’t our place to interfere with God’s divine will.
Right. But you’re pro-life?
Absolutely!
OK, so that’s gotta mean that you’re fighting climate change, advocating for conserving natural habitats, opposing data centers, and passing legislation to ensure the planet has clean air and drinking water?
Umm… those aren’t our priorities right now.
I kinda figured… Alright then, since you’re pro-life, how about the hundreds of thousands of lives around the world that are going to die without USAID?
Now, that’s just not fair! As JD Vance has said, our faith calls us to care for people closest to us first and then those geographically further away if we can. We have to take care of our own!
I see, so America First, right?
Exactly!
That must mean you’re fighting to make sure Americans have affordable groceries, healthcare, housing, education, and energy?
Yeah, the thing is, we’d like to, but we’re busy with other more pressing matters. You’ve seen that we’re in the middle of a bunch of wars and military conflicts around the world, right?
Kinda hard to miss. Yeah, about that: Isn’t bombing school children in Iran, partnering in the genocide in Gaza, cutting off Cuba from power, strong-arming Ukraine, and collaborating in assaults on Lebanon the exact opposite of pro-life?
Now, you’re oversimplifying and trying to make us look bad. War is profit…, umm, war is strateg… uh… war is necessary sometimes.
So you can bomb civilians, starve families, and collaborate in ethnic cleansing and still be pro-life?
Sure, you can!
Wow…
What?
Nothing… So you’re sure you’re pro-life?
Without a doubt!
How about immigrant lives? How about the lives of black and brown people being terrorized, beaten, abducted, arrested without due process, and thrown into concentration camps…
Detention centers!
Whatever… What about the lives in those “detention centers” that are in sweltering cells all around this country? The lives that are sexually assaulted? The lives that are being denied food and medical care? Are you pro those lives?
We have to protect our borders!
What does that mean?
Illegals!
What?
Gangs! Drugs! Rape!
Alright, now it sounds like you’re just shouting random buzzwords… But since you mentioned rape, isn’t it pro-life to make every monster in the Epstein Files legally accountable for their crimes? I mean, those survivors of sexual assault are lives, right?
OK, now you’ve gone too far! Think of the chaos that might cause. Can you imagine where we’d be as a nation if we exposed every powerful predator and pedophile in our government?
I can. Look, I gotta run, but let me hit you with a few last questions.
Shoot!
Every life in the womb is sacred and worthy of protection, right?
Yes!
Every life?
Of course!
So, gay lives? Are they sacred?
Umm..
Transgender lives?
You, see, that’s tricky…
Muslim lives?
That’s complicated.
How about children with disabilities? Are there lives worth protecting?
That’s a tough one…
Are the lives of veterans sacred enough to deserve care?
Well, sure, but we can’t…
What about those with mental illnesses?
Uh…
Ok, so I think I’ve got it: You’re against affordable healthcare, health benefits for the elderly, food supports for the hungry, a living wage, affordable groceries, education, and housing.
We are.
You oppose environmental protections, mental healthcare, and accountability for sexual predators, though you support mass incarceration, wars around the globe, and human rights rollbacks for LGBTQ people, people of color, and immigrants?
Correct.
And you believe all life in the womb is sacred, but you don’t believe in body autonomy for the women who carry those wombs, and believe their deaths are the acceptable cost of birth?
Bingo!
Well, I’m really glad you Republicans are so pro-life…
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