Voenix Rising – Shitposting since 2005

October 14, 2026

“Cake’s Almost Ready…”

October 14, 2026

But She Can Get Past The Smell Of His Full Diaper And Fellate The Tiny Mushroom, And That’s All That Matters

I know that I’m breaking no new ground when I point out that every member of the Donnyverse is a low-wattage shit-wit, blessed with absolutely zero qualifications for the jobs to which they’ve been assigned.

You’ve got a gin-soaked, failed weekend chat-show host running the military. A lady who arranged rigged wrestling matches is now in charge of education. A reality-show never-was has been tasked with making sure planes don’t fall from the sky. The coward who is too chickenshit to tell Dear Leader that his shoes don’t fit is somehow supposed to be making sure our allies do what we tell them.

And let’s not forget that a huffing-coke-off-a-toilet-seat, dead-bear-cub-kidnapping, whale-head-chainsawing maniac is now standing guard over our nation’s health.

But wait, here comes Donny’s latest hire — the Q-Anon-adjacent found object Katie Zacharia — to teach a master class in how to really, most-sincerely, truly fucking suck at your job.

“to OFFICIALLY be part of this incredible journey— together? and with that— I will take your questions— [extremely long pause] here in our NEW media seat.”

What the fuck was that? It was like watching a clip of a robot fail. Quick, someone reboot Katie!

The job of the White House Press Secretary is a simple one: it’s to read off a script, take questions, and answer them. Katie Zacharia can’t do any of that shit.

“He had a historic one-day war, and now we are—have a—booming economy, and a—a great relationship [another interminably long pause] with Venezuela.”

Oh shit, can somebody reboot Katie again?

The indispensable Aaron Rupar has put together a three-minute, forty-second supercut of the best-worst moments from yesterday’s press briefing.

I really need to caution you that if you try to watch the whole thing, you may end up stupider than when you started. You have been warned.

What a crap-show. Katie was stiff. Uncomfortable. Non-human. Unwilling or unable to make eye contact. She took only three questions from the press, and then mercifully booked it out of there after fourteen minutes. She shit all the beds.

Seriously, it was so clownfucktacularly awful that Zacharia became the Main Story of the Day. She was the only thing the media wanted to talk about.

“Some White House officials are already wondering how long she’ll keep the job. They tell CNN’s Kaitlan Collins her performance was unlikely to satisfy President Trump. One White House official called the appearance, quote, ‘unusual.’ Another called it ‘brutal.’”

The question everyone’s now asking is, ‘can she out-scaramucci Anthony Scaramucci?’

Tony Scaramucci, you’ll recall, is the weirdo who famously lasted only eleven days as one of Preznit Fuckwit’s press secretaries. The Mooch got shitcanned for saying goofy shit like, ‘I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock.’

Thanks for sharing, Mooch. You know, I could have gone my entire life without knowing that about Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts.

Meanwhile, you’ll be shocked to learn that Katie Zacharia may or may not be lying about her resumé. She claims to be a lawyer, but when the press pressed her for details (Ha ha! See what I did there?), Katie’s answer was a non-answer.

Reporter: “you said Zacharia is an attorney. Where did she pass the bar exam? What state?”

Zacharia: “When I moved to China.”

Yeah, no. China isn’t a state.

Rep. Ted Lieu, could you explain to the nice lady how passing the bar works?

One cannot take an American state bar exam in China. Bar exams are administered at designated testing locations in each state of the union.

Are Katie Zacharia and trump lying when they say she is an attorney?

If not, then she needs to disclose in what state she passed the bar.

Look, Katie Zacharia ticks all the Donnyverse boxes. She’s a liar, she’s evasive, she’s a fucking weirdo, she’s unqualified, and she’s absolute shit at her job.

If that’s not a deal-breaker for any of the men who do Dear Leader’s bidding, then it shouldn’t be for Katie.

Our piss-drunk Secretary of Death hasn’t lost his job, after butt-dialing classified war plans to a reporter, or depleting our nation’s supply of missiles, or destroying military readiness, or blundering us into an unwinnable war, or any of the other fucked-up shit he’s pulled.

Bobby Brainworms still has his job, after single-handedly creating a measles epidemic.

Liddle Marco Big-Shoes still has his job, even after [gestures all around].

It’s only the women who have been pushed out of their jobs during our Misogynist-in-Chief’s second reign. Pam Bondi. Tulsi Gabbard. Kristi Noem. And, most recently, Kimberly Gargoyle.

Maybe it’s Donny who should be better at his job. Maybe he should stop hiring men just because they look like they came ‘straight out of central casting.’

Maybe he should stop hiring woman simply because they remind him of the daughter he wants to quote-unquote ‘date,’ if that’s what we’re charitably going to call it.

Come on — let Katie Zacharia keep her job. She’s so bad, she’s good. She’s entertaining as fuck — and at least when she screws up, it won’t result in planes colliding in mid air, or the proliferation of human shit geysers.

Everything totally fucking sucks right now, but at least we can watch our cognitively-collapsed president apparently forget what what doors are for.

Look at this idiot, on the tarmac in Alaska last night. He had one job — to walk in a straight line, into the wide-open door of his waiting helicopter.

Spoiler alert: he fucked that shit up, inexplicably meandering towards the rear of the copter. Wither doest thou wander, dipshit?

It’s only at the last second that he apparently snaps out of his reverie and remembers why doors exist. Holy shit. Donny’s brain has gone fuckity-bye.

But please — tell me once again how Joe Biden was too old and icky and smelly and decrepit to properly to his job. That’s such a cool story.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.