Voenix Rising

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‘wake up, babe — a new trade war with Canada just dropped.’

I’m sorry, a new what with who?

‘a trade war. with Canada.’

why the fuck would we want that? Canadians are the nicest people in the world, and Canada’s been our closest ally and trading partner since like forever.

‘because our president is a fucking idiot, babe. he’s a malignant toad who can’t imagine a world where people — or countries — have mutually-beneficial relationships. everything has to be winners and losers. so he ginned up some bullshit story about Canada being so unfair, because reasons, and smacked them with a fifty percent tariff.’

so how did Canada respond to that?

‘they pretty much told Donny to eat an entire bag of dicks.’

Canadian PM Mark Carney: “last evening, I instructed our negotiators to return to Ottawa. we cannot accept what they’ve offered, and we will not give what they’ve asked.”

holy shit, is there any relationship that Donny can’t screw up?

look who he sent to negotiate on America’s behalf: that out-of-touch, granny-starving plutocrat, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick — the dude who actually said that if your Social Security check doesn’t show up, suck it up and don’t be a whiner.

sending an uncaring dipshit like Lutnick to negotiate trade with Canada makes about as much sense as sending those two dumbfuck slumlords, Steve Witkoff and Jared Kushner, to negotiate peace with with Iran — and it looks like Lutnick sure did a bang-up job.

reporter: “was Howard Lutnick’s involvement in the last days an impediment to getting a deal?”

Carney: “it’s a question for the US administration… but I will say this, which is that the Canadian team, unified — the individuals you see here, their team members, our ambassador in Washington, my chief of staff, unified, talking together, everyone in the loop, everyone knows what our objectives are. you cannot say that about the United States administration.”

sounds like it was a real clown show, doesn’t it? why am I unsurprised that the US negotiating team couldn’t get their act together? 

as always, the incompetence starts at the top, with Dear Leader. Donny has the attention span of a flea, and the impulse control of a coked-up squirrel.

he changes his mind as often as Nurse Natty changes his diaper. he was probably on the phone with Lutnick every half hour, with a new set of demands.

Carney says last minute demands from U.S. included language to restrict Canada’s ability to make other trade deals, which is of course nuts and Ottawa was right to walk away.

why the fuck would Canada agree to a deal that limited their ability to make other deals? that’s absolutely crazypants — and that’s the kind of shit Donny was trying to force on them, at the last minute.

come on, Canada is like the politest country in the world — and now even they loathe us. 

look at this chunk from a statement issued by Prime Minister Carney.

We have recognised from the beginning that America has changed, and that we will not return to our old relationship.

ace job, Donny. you haven’t just screwed up your relationship with Canada — you’ve screwed it up for future presidents. why should anyone trust us any more?

it takes years to establish trust with a partner nation, and only an instant to destroy it — and once you fuck that up, it’s gone. game over, man.

you can add our once-genial neighbor to the north to the long list of countries that have farted in Dear Leader’s general direction, and then told him to fuck straight off.

France. Italy. Germany. Denmark. Greenland. all the NATO nations. South Korea. and, of course, Iran.

Donny’s gone out of his way to antagonize Canada. why? because they won’t roll over and become our 51st state? why the fuck should they, what’s in it for them?

so now, Canadian goods coming into America will be tariffed at 50%, and, beginning September 8, American goods coming in to Canada will be tariffed at that same 50% rate.

and, as always, We the People will bear the brunt of this clownfuckery. everything will become more expensive, and we’ll have one fewer friend in this world — all because Dear Leader is a colicky piss-baby who explodes with rage if he doesn’t get his way.

oh look, here’s another member of Donny’s ace team of parking garage negotiators. it’s trade representative Jamieson Greer, speaking in classic abuser language, as he tries to cast the United States as the real victim in all this.

Fox News bobblehead: “so, what do you think will happen from here? will trade talks get back on track?” 

Greer: “it’s hard to say. we don’t have new talks planned. we’re moving forward with measures that respond to Canadian retaliation.”

dear lord. it’s a trade war, but with morons.

oh, so this is all Canada’s fault. how dare they retaliate. how dare they object to being our fifty-first state. how dare they ask for coherent tariff policies. how dare they expect Donny to be a reliable trading partner who doesn’t go back on his word, over and over. 

look, Prime Minister Carney — if that even is your real name —that’s not how the Mad King and his Royal Court roll, bro.

oh, and here’s Donny, having a perfectly normal one at 1:06 this morning.

Canada wants the benefits of being a State, without being one!!! They have also charged our great farmers, for many years, massive amounts of Tariffs. No more!!! President DJT.

what does that even mean, ‘Canada wants the benefits of being a State, without being one’? I’m sure that somewhere inside Donny’s worm-chewed pudding-brain, there’s a point he imagines he’s making, but he’s too cognitively-collapsed to express it.

he’s such a fucking embarrassment.

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here’s your hero of the day: the homey who showed up at a San Diego City Council meeting dressed as Darth Vader, to explain that the Emperor is a huge fan of Flock cameras, the janky, six-fingered surveillance devices currently being abused by police departments coast to coast.

“the Emperor is a fan of Flock, and we must continue utilizing Flock technologies so that we can follow and surveil the rebel scum as they move from playground to playground, from playground to pool, from pool to gymnasium — because we all know that the Flock cameras are not only following the license plate readers, they are following children. they are following children in parks and gymnasiums, and we need this. I need this so I can stalk my ex-girlfriend.”

I don’t know who this dude is, but he’s perfect. Flock technology is an evil tool of oppression, and having Darth Vader endorse it is ten out of ten. chef’s kiss. no notes.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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