Category: 2024 Election

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The Week In Stupid With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: taking the matter into her own hands

five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly who we need to get to the bottom of this little Epstein Files dust-up.

“I want answers, and, um, maybe that takes a Special Counsel to do so. maybe Matt Gaetz can be the Special Counsel.”

oh really? the maddeningly-unindicted trafficker and former congressman Plankhead McSexpest? the guy who would regularly venmo cash to teenage girls, because reasons? the guy who flew girls to New York for the purpose of getting it on with them? the guy who would show off nude photos of his conquests to other congressmen? the guy who resigned because the House Ethics Committee was about to publish a report that exposed all this damning shit to the public?


that’s the recommendation of the vacuous airhead who gave her hookup a vigorous beetlejuicing in a theater? Matt Gaetz? that’s who should investigate the Epstein cover-up?

well, the answer is clearly yes, because of that clever legal doctrine known as it takes one to know one.

tuesday: if I had a hammer

hey, remember that bit in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus is all blessed are the kiddy-fiddlers? numb-nuts pastor Shane Vaughn apparently does.

“the only thing that’s coming today is the crucifixion of Donald Trump. oh no, not by the Romans. uh-uh. Yeshua, Jesus Christ, was not killed by the Romans. oh yes, they drove the nails — but it was the Jews that delivered him to them. and one can’t help but wonder, if history is not repeating itself, and we are not delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies.”

what the small-batch artisanal fuck? I’m sorry, who is ‘delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies’? — which, by the way, subject, objects and verbs in sentences, how do they work?

I just want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with any crucifixions. I was on space laser duty that day.


wednesday: what’s in a name

it must be exhausting to be a Fox News on-air bobblehead. you’re expected to be forever coming up with new ways to be an asshole. let’s watch as Jesse Watters knocks it out of the fucking park.

“so this guy has to lower rates immediately. and this guy, I mean, Jerome. funny name for a white guy.”

there we go. this is why we all worship at the Church of Jesse the Found Object. right in the middle of a government-ordained Two Minutes Hateagainst Fed chair Jerome Powell, Watters brilliantly improvises up a little drive-by racism. because, apparently, what self-respecting white parents would name their darling little bundle of joy Jerome?

seriously, what’s the deal with being named Jerome? maybe we should ask this guy.

here’s a dude named Jerome Lester Horwitz, though that’s probably not the moniker you know him by.

and then of course there’s this homey.


oh wait. Jerome John Garcia is half Mexican. maybe Jesse’s half right.

thursday: get a load of this fucking idiot

god-bothering uber-zealot Pastor Joel Webbon is the President and Founder of Right Response Ministries and the Senior Pastor of Covenant Bible Church. he’s also misogynist as fuck, as you’re about to find out.

“when you say, ‘well, I disagree with Pam Bondi, because I think she’s hiding the Epstein Files,’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah, but also I don’t like Pam Bondi because she’s a woman, and she shouldn’t be in public.’ not in politics. you and I are not the same. you don’t like her for this reason, I don’t like— it’s like ‘I don’t like Pam Bondi because of her positions’ and I don’t like Pam Bondi because she needs to be at home.”

how totally awesome. this guy thinks Pam Bondi fucking sucks — but not because she’s carrying water for Jeffrey Epstein’s adjudicated-rapist bestie Donny. not because she did fuck-all to prosecute Epstein when she was Florida’s Attorney General.

and certainly not because — as we all learned yesterday — that she had ONE THOUSAND FBI AGENTS working 24-hour shifts, combing though ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Epstein documents and flagging any mentions of Dear Leader, and only after that did she decide that she couldn’t release the Epstein Files, because you-know-who was all over them.

no — this woman-loathing shitwad hates Pam Bondi because she’s not in the kitchen right now, making him a sandwich.

fuck you, Pastor Joel, for making Pam Bondi the good guy in this story.

friday: I DO DECLARE!

White House spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is exactly the person we need right now.

I DECLARE EVERY DEMONIC BATTLE AGAINST YOUR MIND, FAMILY AND FINANCES IS CANCELLED IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!”

this is great. thank you, Paula. demons have been fucking our nation’s shit for way too long. at last, here is one woman who is unafraid to stand up and CANCEL EVERY DEMON, THE ALL-AMERICAN ALL-CAPS WAY, via a tweet on Elon’s Nazi Bar. that’ll show them demons who’s boss.

except for the part where Paula forgot to close her tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, which means it’s not legally binding, and that demons can just keep right on fucking our shit.

how do you not know this, Paula?

Paula, every demon is going like this right now.


thanks for nothing, Paula.

can not one person in this entire administration do one thing right?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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A Little Something From BTC

Let’s get a little meta here and dig into the Epstein fallout from a political perspective.

Is this weird conspiracy theory really what we should be focusing on?

I am a student of the Dan Pfeiffer philosophy that we exploit issues that unite our party and divide the other party. Democrats are united in their desire to see the Epstein files released. Most Republicans also want to see the Epstein files released, other than a small faction of the most hardcore MAGA supporters. A YouGov poll from July 15 revealed as much:

It is political malpractice not to exploit an issue that unites 85% of Democrats, 76% of Independents, and 75% of Republicans— leaving Donald Trump and his sycophants appealing to a pathetic four percent of Americans.

Elevating independent or rightwing voices

Trump’s position has earned him bipartisan criticism. He’s being assailed by the likes of Joe Rogan, Theo Von, Andrew Schulz, Dave Smith, Shane Gillis, and many others. We should highlight their voices for two reasons: first, if you’re a Democrat, you may not have much credibility with Independents or Republicans. I certainly have far less credibility with Trump supporters than Joe Rogan – who helped Trump get elected – has with those same people. Which means that while my criticism may not carry much weight, his does. If I can help share effective criticism, why wouldn’t I jump at the opportunity? This is not about validating rightwing platforms or endorsing all of their opinions; this is about amplifying a message that will be particularly persuasive among the broader universe of voters. Period. Remember: the goal of politics is not purity; it’s winning elections, gaining power, and enacting our agenda.

Second, we need to create an incentive structure for those flirting with anti-Trump messaging to speak out. For example, Theo Von weighed in on this issue:

If we attack Theo Von as he’s criticizing the Trump administration (“You voted for this!”), what incentive is there for him to criticize them further? None. So throw him a like and retweet, and welcome his voice into the chorus of other voices speaking out. Our response cannot be to scold those who can be our allies – effective allies! – in this fight.

The right is very good is offering positive reinforcement to those who promote their agenda, and as a result, those people do it over and over until they’re fully red-pilled. We can’t let our pride or egos get in the way of smart politics. We win by adopting a strategy of addition, not subtraction.

Aren’t there more important issues to focus on?

Yes and no. There are no shortage of people who would say that the ICE raids, cuts to healthcare and food assistance, the dismantling of the ACA, the abandonment of our climate goals, and the sustained attack on the judiciary are more important than the files related to the wrongdoing of a dead pedophile. Other people would say that holding the other people involved in the crimes of that dead pedophile accountable for their behavior is also extraordinarily important. The reality is that we shouldn’t dismiss either one. But let’s consider the reality of our media environment. It is very, very rare for a political issue to break through in a way that the Epstein story has (on Thursday night, it was even mentioned at the ESPYs). It’s even more rare that it redounds to the political benefit of Democrats and to the detriment of Trump and Republicans. In moments like these, it’s not only impossible but unwise to try and swim against the tide. The country is united in its opposition to Trump and Republicans on this issue. There will be many, many opportunities to discuss healthcare and immigration and the courts and everything else this administration is doing. But in this moment, take the win and join the chorus of voices – left, right, and center – in giving this White House its much deserved derision.

How should we talk about this?

The questions write themselves. Why did Trump lie to his supporters about releasing the Epstein files? What is he hiding? Is he in the files? Who is he protecting? Whatever he’s trying to keep under wraps must be bad enough to warrant his insistence that he would rather lose the support of his own votersthan humor their demands for the information (that he himself promised them) to be released. Trump’s supporters voted for him because they believed that – his own warts notwithstanding – he would be the one who could expose the systemic corruption that allows powerful, wealthy elites to get away with heinous crimes. Instead, they’re learning that not only does Trump have no intention of exposing that systemic corruption, he’s actually entrenching it. Put simply, if you plan on staking your reputation on exposing criminals, don’t act surprised when your reputation craters once you opt to protect them instead.

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Thursday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

oyal MAGA patriots, please stand by for a personal message of the utmost importance from Dear Leader. ready? here it is:

‘why u so fuken dum?’

“they want to talk about the Epstein hoax. the sad part is, it’s people that are really doing the Democrats’ work. they’re stupid people.”

I hate to break it to you MAGAs, but this is Donny’s messaging now: that thing that actually happened, and that he encouraged you to believe in for years, is a now a hoax, and you’re an idiot for believing it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love breaking it to you that Dear Leader thinks you’re an idiot. how’s it feel, cultists, to find out that the guy you’ve devoted your life to just dropped you like a sack of potatoes?

oh look, it’s time for another Reading from the Book of Dumbfuck.

h joy, we’re in for a rehashing of every grudge and grievance. buckle in, here comes some turbulence.

The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at – It’s all they have – They are no good at governing, no good at policy, and no good at picking winning candidates.

fact check: [mimes jerk-off motions]

Joe Biden brought us out of a pandemic, and our economy recovered at a rate faster than almost any other country in the world.

now, here comes the juicy part.

Also, unlike Republicans, they stick together like glue. Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore!

holy shit! Donny just actually called his cultists ‘weaklings,’ and said he doesn’t want their support any more!

Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

YES, YOU NOW HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

look, we get it. all that fuckery Donny got caught dead to rights doing, he’s always been able to sell it to the cultists as a hoax, just by shouting hoax hoax hoax until it sticks.

that shit’s worked in the past, but it’s not working with the Epstein Files, because Donny has a serious problem: he’s taken his own credibility out to the gavel pit and noemed it until it was dead dead dead.

hey, remember when this happened?

remember when a bunch of left-wing commie influencers were invited to the Biden White House and were each given their own binder labeled “the Epstein Files, Phase 1”? that was—

[taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that these are MAGA influencers who were at the White House in February of this year, and those binders were handed to them by Donny’s own flunkies.

MAGA remembers that day. they ran around punching their fists in the air, and shouting about how at last, the truth will out! — and now the cultists are being told they’re ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing the thing Donny handed them and told them to believe.

and what about the literal hundreds of photos and videos of Donny and Jeffrey partying together?

 

are MAGAs now supposed to believe that all these images are part of some ‘deep state’ conspiracy?

let’s check in with the cultists, and see how they enjoy being called ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing ‘bullshit.’

Donald Trump just said he doesn’t want my support anymore because I care about the Epstein Files. Goodbye, Mr. President. You just lost me.”

oh dear — I don’t think they’re buying it.

“gaslight us harder daddy”

check out misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. on Tuesday, Donny personally phoned Chuckers and begged him to shut the fuck up about Epstein. it worked…

…for about 24 hours. it turns out that even bizarre lawn ornaments hate being called stupid.

oh. huh.

over at MechaHitler’s Nazi Bar, the hashtag #trumppedofiles has been trending for days now.

so yeah, things are going just swimmingly right now for the Mad King.

oh, is it time to play Easy Questions, Easy Answers again?

[raises hand] wait, I know the answer to this! Alex, it’s because Donny’s a self-destructive imbecile.

as he’s done so many times in the past, Donny’s made things worse for himself. what he should have said was nothing — because let’s face it, the cultists are dumb as fuck, and they’re easily distracted. if Donny had played this right, the whole thing would have already burned itself out, and MAGA would have moved on to the next shiny object. but Donny can’t ever keep his rancid anus-mouth shut, and by calling his cultists stupid weaklings whose support he no longer wants, he’s once again shoved his dick into a hornet’s nest and clownfucked it into a frenzy.

good going, dumb-ass.

here’s another thing that happened yesterday. tell me, does this firing make Donny’s ass look guilty?

Maurene Comey was a lead prosecutor on the investigation and prosecution of Epstein and his former girlfriend and accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Maxwell was convicted and is serving a 20-year sentence.

oh sure, let’s take the one person in the Department of Justice who knows all the dirt on Epstein, and make her job go fuckity-bye — right as interest in the Epstein Files is reaching a fever pitch. there’s nothing suspicious about the timing at all.

that Maurene is James Comey’s daughter is just icing on the cake.

I don’t know about you, but President Guilty McGuiltyguilty sure sounds like he’s guilty of something.

reporter: “President Trump, would you consider appointing a special counsel to investigate the Jeffrey Epstein investigation?”

Donny: “I have nothing to do with it.” [hurries the fuck away]

one thing is for certain: Donny would like to THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO ANY OTHER MATTER IN THE WORLD

“I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola. This will be a very good move by them — You’ll see. It’s just better!”

it looks like Donny’s plan is to distract us with another round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.

Donny, come clean. were you speaking to Coca-Cola, or were you speaking to a bottle of Coca-Cola? is that bottle in the room with us right now?

it’s a legit question, because when NBC News contacted Coca-Cola for comment, they were all we’re putting the what in what now?

hey Gavin Newsom, are you distracted yet?

No Fucks To Give Newsom is my favorite Gavin Newsom.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene is fucking livid. she’s had it up to here with all these scumbag shitweasels refusing to release the Epstein Files — and she wants everyone to know just how she feels about it.

“America deserves the truth about Jeffrey Epstein and the rich powerful elites in his circle. The line is drawn with anyone who abuses children and vulnerable innocent people. When George Santos is going to prison for 7 years but Epstein only served 13 months, our justice system is CORRUPT!!!”

note that Madge posted that screed at 8:49pm on Monday. hold that in your mind, because here’s a super-awesome thing she did at 2:19pm on Tuesday:she voted to block the release of the Epstein Files.

in fact, House Republicans voted unanimously to stuff the Epstein Files back down the memory hole. fuckity-bye, Files!

now check out who else is mad has hell, and not going to take it any more: America’s Self-Appointed Bathroom Panty Sniffer.

wait, let’s check the time stamp on Nancy’s tweet. 3:49pm — about 90 minutes after she, too, voted to shitcan the Epstein Files.

that’s your Republican Party, folks. they’ll huff and puff and do their Performative Nonsense Theater, throw red meat to the cultists, and tell them exactly what they want to hear — but when it comes time to actually vote, protecting you-know-who is the Prime Directive.

you goddamn well know that if the Epstein Files thoroughly exonerated Dear Leader, Hannity would have been given a copy of it ages ago — and he’d be reading it out loud, every night, on his show.

hang on, I just got an angry email from a reader:

Show us all the Epstein client list now!!! Why would anyone protect those scum bags?

Ask yourselves this question daily and the answer becomes very apparent!!

sorry, I lied. that wasn’t from any email, and it certainly wasn’t from a reader. that was actually a tweet from Cokey McSniffles Junior, back in 2023.

Cokey sure is quiet about the subject right now. he hasn’t said one word about it. I wonder why.

by the way, there’s a lot of confusion out there, and folks are using the terms Epstein Files and Epstein Client List interchangeably. so let’s just clarify:

    • the Epstein Files is the entire body of evidence against Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, compiled over many years by the Department of Justice. that’s what House Republican just voted to block the release of.
    • the Epstein Client List is literally that, a list of names of Epstein’s pedo pals. that’s what Pam Bondi said in February was on her desk, and now claims never existed.

Cokey Junior might be silent about Jeffrey Epstein, but his dad seems to be suffering from Can’t Shut The Fuck Up About It Syndrome.

reporter: “why do you think your supporters have been so interested in the Epstein story?”

Donny: “I don’t understand it, why they would be so interested.”

cut the gaslighting, bro. you know exactly why the cultists are so worked up over this: because you wound them up for years, telling them how it’s a huge coverup and it’s Democrats protecting their own, and how you were going to release the files on day one. you sold them on a conspiracy and now it’s gotten out of hand. but please, do go on.

“he’s dead for a long time. he was never a big factor in terms of life.”

Jeffrey Epstein was never a big factor in terms of life? what the fuck does that even mean?

one thing’s for sure: Jeffrey Epstein was certainly a big factor in terms of laughing it up with Donny as they ogled women together.

yesterday, Donny brought his dog-and-pony show to Carnegie Mellon University where he participated in a roundtable discussion on energy and innovation.

wait, did I say ‘participated’? I meant to say that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants once again fell asleep in public.

Donny did wake up long enough to tell one of his patented Things That Never Happened The Most stories.

I have to brag just for a second. because when I first heard about AI, you know, it’s not my thing, although my uncle was at MIT, one of the great professors, 51 years, whatever. longest-serving professor in history of MIT. three degrees. in, uh, nuclear, chemical and math. that’s a smart man. Ted Kaczynski was one of his students. you know who Kaczynski was? there’s very little difference between a madman and a genius. but Kaczyn— I said, ‘what kind of a student was he, Uncle John, Doctor John Trump?’ and he said, ‘seriously good.’ he’d go around correcting everybody. but it didn’t work out too well for him. but it’s interesting.”

fact check: here’s your pudding cup, grandpa, let’s get you off to bed.

Ted Kaczynski — the Unabomber — attended Harvard, not MIT. and John Trump died eleven years before Kaczynski was identified as the Unabomber.

and that business about John Trump being the longest-serving professor in MIT history — MechaHitler, is that true?

oh.

now please excuse me, but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s hand?

why is Donny’s hand heavily-made up? it looks like he’s covering up the scarring from an IV drip. why?

why are Donny’s ankles perpetually swollen?

remember, we have never ever seen a proper medical report on Donny.just some bullshit from Donny’s pill-mill day-drunk almost-a-doctor about how he’s going to live to be 200 years old.

the press never questions it. not one reporter has stood up and asked what the fuck is going on with your hand?

do you think the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press would have accepted this level of coverup from Joe Biden?

it was just about one year ago that a neurologist visited the White House. he wasn’t there to meet with Biden.

Cannard’s visits to the White House were part of his neurological clinics aimed at supporting “thousands” of active duty members assigned in support of White House operations and not to treat the president.

it didn’t matter — the press had themselves a fucking field day, and declared then and there that Biden had Parkinson’s, and that the White House was covering it up.

Joe Biden got pilloried for shit that wasn’t even real — but the Mad King can waddle around looking like death warmed over, fall asleep in public, ramble incoherently about whatever imaginary shit is pinballing around in his big dumb pumpkin head, and no one in the press says boo.

about two years after this nightmare ends, someone like Bob Woodward is going to publish a book about how everyone knew Donny was decaying both mentally and physically, and about how it was an open secret all over Washington.

never mind that this is real information that the public needs right now — saving it for the book is so much more profitable.

speaking for those of us in the future, let me be the first to say thanks a fucking lot — for nothing.

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Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!

since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.

apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.

I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’

but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.

Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’

I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?

you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.

never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?

so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.

what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?

by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.

that’s from the 1950s.

tuesday: new scandal drops

oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’

“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”

this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”

let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.

seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.

how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.

as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom

well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.

“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”

yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.

oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.

thursday: runnin’ with the devil

let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”

wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?

excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.

yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.

friday: so mad. so sad.

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.

Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.

Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.

yeah! that’ll show ’em.

‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’

no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.

the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.

Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.

what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.

congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.

you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.

hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up

ah, memories.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

 

 

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You Hear That, Mr. Trump? That Is The Sound Of Inevitability

From Greg Fallis:

Two people I’d rather not ever think about for the rest of my life? Comrade Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Epstein. But here we are.

I suppose it was inevitable. I mean, in a lot of ways MAGA is the bastard child of QAnon and the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re talking about people who’ve devoted a seriously big chunk of their daily lives to thinking about sexualized anti-government conspiracies. People who’ve built complex, contradictory theories about political figures (mostly Democrats) and Hollywood elites maintaining a series of subterranean facilities where kidnapped children would be raped and then murdered for their adrenochrome. People who claim to believe trans folks are lined up outside high school bathrooms and locker rooms so they can sexually assault girls. People who spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with kids.

So yeah, the ‘suspicious’ death of Jeffrey Epstein is chum in the water for MAGA. When Trump’s pre-election team promised to expose the “truth” about Epstein, MAGA ate it up with a spoon. They absolutely believe Epstein was murdered because he possessed sexually compromising material on powerful figures–a so-called ‘client list’. When asked about that list, Attorney General Pam Bondi said, “It’s sitting on my desk right now to review.”

Then on Friday evening–the 4th of July holiday weekend–Bondi quietly announced, “Hey gang, guess what, there IS no client list! Oopsie! Also? Epstein killed himself! So case closed! How about those Red Sox, huh?!”

MAGA was not amused. You spend years spreading chum in the water, you expect to catch a shark. Being told there IS no shark doesn’t go over well. And given Trump’s long, close relationship with Epstein, it was inevitable that things would get weird and nasty.

But nasty enough to get MAGA to turn on Mr. MAGA his ownself?

I was curious enough that I looked into one of the MAGA-most corners of the Intertubes. I used to check in on the ‘patriots’ of FreeRepublic on a semi-regular basis, just to have some idea of how their fevered right-wing brains work. Snce the re-election of Comrade Trump, I haven’t had the stomach for it.

Until yesterday. And reader, the MAGAverse is absolutely furious. Furious not just at Bondi for her clumsy bait-and-switch approach, but also at their boy Trump. Here are a few of the comments made on FreeRepublic:

I woke up this morning with the realization that the only explanation for this is that Trump is on the list. Nothing else makes sense. This is like Watergate. It will never go away, and it will lead to Trump’s resignation.
–by E. Pluribus Unum (Democrats are the Party of racism, anger, hate and violence.)

Something very big is being covered up.
–by Highest Authority (DemonRats are pure EVIL)

Let’s face it: Pam Bondi is doing just what Trump wants her to do.
–by hcmama

I think we all need to wake up to the real possibility he’s on that list.
–by Lil Flower (American by birth. Southern by the Grace of God. ROLL TIDE!!)

Looks pretty suspicious to go from “The List is ON My Desk Right Now” to “The List Doesn’t Exist.” Someone intervened that has the power to stop the list from being released by the Attorney General of the United States.
–by Bon of Babble (You Say You Want a Revolutioan?)

This decision is way past bondi’s pay grade. This is Trump. Period.
by USS Alaska (NUKE THE MOOSELIMB TERRORIST SAVAGES)

When you see a Freeper who signs his posts with ‘Nuke the Mooselimb Terrorist Savages’ turn on Trump, you know they’re serious. Not necessarily sane, but serious. The reality that their Golden Boy might be on the List of Epstein Kiddie Diddlers (if one actually exists) has to be massively discouraging for them. One way of dealing with that is to create NEW conspiracy theories to explain it. For example, there’s a contingent of Freepers who’ve decided to blame…guess who? That’s right; the Jews.

Ask Israel. They control The Stable Genius…
by Captainpaintball (America needs a Conservative DICTATOR if it hopes to survive. )

Everybody knows Trump and Bibi Netanyahu are BFFs. Combine that with the suggestion that Epstein was some sort of FBI/CIA/Mossad agent, and you’ve got another tasty conspiracy to dine on. But even better (and by ‘better’ I mean ‘more delusional’) are the Freepers who see all of this as part of Trump’s Super Secret Clever Plan to Thump the Democrats.

I think it’s POSSIBLE that genius Trump is making this too big to go away by showing a coverup. When the truth is released…we will get suicide after suicide with DimWITS and RINOs leading the way.
by politicianslie

My conspiracy theory. The Epstein files contain information that can bring down 0bama, Clinton, Clapper, Comey, Brennan… That is why they have to sit on the Epstein files
by Steven Tyler

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it. Trump promises to release the Epstein Files to get people excited, then claims the files don’t exists, which gets people even more excited. Eventually all that excitement will reach the boiling point and then Trump will hold a press conference and reveal…Hey Presto! The files DO exist! And they implicate ALL of Trump’s enemies! Genius! Applause and fireworks! A chorus of angels sing as the anti-MAGA deviants are led away to concentration camps in Sudan!

Jesus suffering fuck, dealing with MAGA is exhausting. I need a drink.

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IT’S A CULT

At this point no matter what you say, what facts or evidence is provided to them the Cultists will not change their world view.

When he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and they would still support him that seems to be true.

He is their world and they mindlessly follow his lead…right off a cliff if directed.

 

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How Many Levels Of Hell Are There? And Why Do I Think We Haven’t Reached The Lowest Level Yet?

‘shithole countries.’

that was Little Donny Fuckface’s adorable catch-all phrase for all those little African countries he had no interesting in learning the names of.

why do we let people from shithole countries come here, raged Donny in a White House meeting in 2018. why can’t we get more white people to immigrate, from places like Norway?

racists gonna racist, whatcha gonna do?

let’s watch what happens when America’s Racist-in-Chief sits down with the leaders of some of those ‘shithole countries’ and trots out his ignorance for all to see.

Donny: “thank you, and such good English. where did you learn to speak so beautifully? you were educated where?”
Liberia’s President Joseph Boakai: “Liberia.”
Donny: “in Liberia? that’s very interesting. beautiful English, too. I have people at this table can’t speak nearly as well.”

holy shit. could this ginormous asshole possibly be any more condescending?Donny can’t imagine that a black man from Africa — of all places! — would speak flawless English. surely, President Boakai must have left his native county — where they no doubt gibber incomprehensibly — to learn English at some prestigious university. was it Oxford? Cambridge?

no, you ignorant fuck, President Boakai learned English at home, from his parents. because fact check: English is the official language of Liberia.

it’s not ‘interesting’ that President Boakai speaks flawless English any more than it’s interesting that Donny barks out THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS in that coarse Queens, New York accent of his.

here’s a cool fact about Liberia: its nickname is ‘Little America.’ here’s why:

For nearly five decades, starting in 1820, some 13,000 freed American slaves and their families colonized the region as part of a privately organized repatriation effort. Having given itself a name reflecting the settlers’ liberation, Liberia declared itself an independent nation in 1847—Africa’s first.

Donny would have known this, if he had read the briefing papers his staffers probably don’t even bother to prepare any more, because their boss is a jackass who never does the reading.

read? are you fucking kidding me? that’s time Donny could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf. Donny knows what he imagines he knows — and that’s good enough for Donny.

I guarantee everything Donny “knows” about Africa comes from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons as a child in the 1940s.

we probably should all be grateful that Donny didn’t ask President Boakai if he’d ever cooked someone in a pot.

what a fucking embarrassment.

world leaders have learned how to deal with America’s volatile Toddler King: by flattering the shit out of him. here’s Bassirou Diomaye Faye, the president of Senegal (through a translator), pretending to give two fucks about golf.

“I know you are a tremendous golf player. golf requires concentration and precision, qualities that also make for a great leader. Senegal has exceptional opportunities to offer, including in the area of tourism. so, perhaps it would just be six hours by flight, from New York, from Miami, from Europe, or from the Gulf, and that would be an opportunity for you to show off your skills on the golf course, too.”

once again, none of this is normal. world leaders shouldn’t have to humiliate themselves, just to remain in the good graces of a broken-inside narcissist obsessed with settling scores over imaginary grievances. but this is how it the game is played now: diplomacy by extortion. you want something from the mob boss? pony up, bro. Qatar gave me a flying bordello. Syria’s letting me put up a golden tower in Damascus. whattaya got to offer, in that shithole country of yours? enough open land for a golf course? awesome.

kiss the ring and sign the damn check.

the thing is, all that ass-kissing is for naught — because Donny doesn’t give a fuck who any of these people are.

“maybe we’re gonna have to go a bit quicker than this, because we have a whole schedule. um, if I could just ask your name and your country, would be great. thank you, please.”

Donny hasn’t the slightest clue who he’s talking to, or where they’re from — and I guarantee you that he doesn’t care. snap it up, bro, I gotta whole schedule here, give me your name and country so I can immediately forget them, because I don’t give a fuck.

in fact, let’s all watch President Don’t Give a Fuck not give a fuck.

reporter: “do you expect any of the countries here to face tariffs as well?”

Donny: “uh, I haven’t thought of it, but maybe, I don’t know. let’s see, I like him, him, him, him, and him. no, I don’t think so, not too much. these are friends of mine now.”

sure they are. pro tip: people generally know their friends’ names, and don’t just go him, him, him.

imagine that Donny had a normal marriage — one where his Slovenian trophy wife didn’t loathe him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. imagine that Melania actually lived under the same roof as Donny, and that the two of them talked to each other over the dinner table. how would last night’s conversation had gone? like this, I’m sure:

“who did you meet with today, honey?”

“who the fuck cares.”

here’s the other embarrassing thing Donny did yesterday: he slapped a 50% tariff on Brazil. why, is it because we have that big a trade deficit with Brazil? fuck no. in fact, we have a trade SURPLUS with Brazil.

oh, huh. then why hit Brazil with punitive tariffs, if we’re running a surplus?

this is why: because Donny’s in a Big Mad because Brazil is prosecuting his despot bestie Jair Bolsonaro.

after losing his reelection bid in 2020, Bolsonaro tried to pull off his own January 6, and failed miserably — and because Brazil apparently doesn’t live in the same shittiest possible timeline that we do, they actually arrested Bolsonaro and are trying him for his crimes.

now, Bolsonaro doesn’t have his own Supreme Court to anoint him a Very Special Boy Who Can January 6 His Own Country — but he does have his very own Mad King Donnie, and Donny’s gonna tariff the bejeesus out of Brazil if they don’t cut that shit out.

Donny trying to impose American-style corruption onto a law-abiding nation is embarrassing enough, but what’s reallyembarrassing is the letter Donny sent to Brazilian President da Silva.

look at this incoherent piece of shit, with it oddball random capitalization, and fifth-grade-level vocabulary.

so unfair! so unfair! whines Donny, because of course he does.

The way that Brazil has treated former President Bolsonaro, a Highly Respected Leader throughout the World during his Term, including by the United States, is an international disgrace. This Trial should not be taking place. It is a Witch Hunt that should end IMMEDIATELY!

look at how it closes, above that psychotic Klan-hood signature of his.

You will never be disappointed with the United States of America.

spoiler alert: yes, we will be. yes, we are.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

fuck off.

it’s all so embarrassing.

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

here’s a fun thing that Republicans can do right now: go fuck themselves.

oh look, Texas’ doughiest pantload, the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun, has found himself a camera to stand in front of.

“I talked about the partisan finger-pointing … just immediately trying to use it, for either side to attack their political opponents, I think that’s cynical and not the right approach.”

okay. on the one hand, Ted is not entirely wrong, about knee-jerk finger-pointing from ‘either side.’ but on the other hand — hey, Ted, is this you?

in today’s Verdict With Ted Cruz podcast, we break down the catastrophic policy decisions made by elected politicians in California, made by Governor Gavin Newsom, made by Mayor Karen Bass … they put politics over the safety of the men and women in California..”

that video was posted on January 10, 2025, while parts of Los Angeles were burning to the ground. fires were still raging, but Ted Cruz couldn’t wait to politicize the shit out of that tragedy. he dove head-first into partisan finger-pointing with the same vigor he displays when elbowing his way to the front of an all-you-can-eat buffet in Cancun.

in fact, every Republican joined the let’s blame Democrats pile-on — and it wasn’t even legitimate criticism. it was the dumbest fucking hallucinatory bullshit imaginable.

Los Angeles, they said, burned down because of all the woke. because of diversity. because the Fire Commissioner was a woman. the horror! because mean old Gavin Newsom refused to open that imaginary faucet in Canada, causing all the fire hydrants to run dry.

fact check: it was a hurricane made of fucking fire.

those were 98-mile-per-hour winds that the LA Fire Department were dealing with.

where was Ted Cruz’s tut-tutting about let’s not engage in partisan finger-pointing when the Space Nazi not-tweeted this:

Libs of TikTok: “The LA Fire Dept passed a ‘racial equity plan’ to end ‘systemic, institutional, and structural racism’ in LA.”
Space Nazi: “They prioritized DEI over saving lives and homes.”

racism doesn’t get more racist than ‘LA burned because they let those peoplebe firefighters.’

where was Ted Cruz’s outrage when Fox News found object Jesse Waters shit his vile misogyny right into the waiting mouths of his audience?

“this right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is the leadership of the LA Fire Department. I sure hope they know what they’re doing.”

I guess Ted was too busy recording his own worthless podcast to notice.

and let us not forget President Stupid J. Fuckingmoron’s obsession with that imaginary spigot, which in this instance had apparently migrated from Canada to northern California.

“Governor Gavin Newscum should immediately go to Northern California and open up the water main, and let the water flow into his dry, starving, burning State, instead of having it go out into the Pacific Ocean. It ought to be done right now, NO MORE EXCUSES FROM THIS INCOMPETENT GOVERNOR. IT’S ALREADY FAR TOO LATE!”

remember the extortion racket that Republicans tried to pull, while the fires were still raging?

that was the genius plan of some fuckface congressman from Ohio. he wanted to punish every Californian by withholding aid unless Gavin Newsom personally raked every forest. all Republicans — including Fidel Cancun — were on board with that.

you want partisan finger-pointing? every time there’s a natural disaster in a Democratic-run state, Republicans use it as a chance to air grievances and settle scores.

here’s a golden oldie from 2018, during the Mad King’s first reign.

Mark Harvey, who was Trump’s senior director for resilience policy on the National Security Council staff, told E&E News on Wednesday that Trump initially refused to approve disaster aid for California after deadly wildfires in 2018 because of the state’s Democratic leanings.

in this instance, Donny wasn’t even trying to get California to change its policies. he just wanted to inflict pain on people he imagined didn’t vote for him, because fuck you, that’s why.

Donny’s appalled staff had to literally draw him a picture that showed that Orange County had in fact more Republicans than Democrats among its residents.

But Harvey said Trump changed his mind after Harvey pulled voting results to show him that heavily damaged Orange County, California, had more Trump supporters than the entire state of Iowa.

how presidential.

so please, tell me one more time how Democrats trying to figure out what went wrong during a tragedy where over a hundred people diedare engaging in partisan finger-pointing. that’s such a cute story.

Ted Cruz — and every Republican whining about politicizing the Texas flooding — can shut the fuck up.

oh, by the way, get a load of this: do you know where Ted Cruz was when disaster struck in Texas? he was vacationing in Greece.

Cruz was spotted Saturday visiting the Parthenon in the Greek capital of Athens along with his wife Heidi and their kids, according to the online news site. Back in his home state, emergency personnel searched for missing children swept away in the floodwaters of the Guadalupe River.

to be fair, this is just bad timing.

unlike the Cancun episode, when Cruz fled the country after the power grid failed in Texas, Ted and his family were already out of town when the waters rose. that’s not his fault — but how does this guy manage to always be somewhere else when shit goes sideways?

doesn’t he have a job?

yesterday, Donny got to have a playdate with his despot bestie Netanyahu — and he got to bring his Emotional Support Dunk-Tank Clown with him.

let’s listen in as the Mad King once again tells the heartwarming story of how Iran was courteous enough to schedule their bombing of an American military base so that didn’t get in the way of Dear Leader’s golf game.

“and you know we were, at the end, missiles were shot, and every single missile was shot out of the air, it was pretty amazing. that was sort of the end. and they told us they were coming and where they were and what time they were coming. and they said ‘if you’d like to have a different time, we’ll do that.’ and that’s respect, when they do that, I believe. I appreciated that they did that.”

this is at least the fourth time that Donny has publicly told this shameful story of how he gave an adversary permission to bomb the shit out of us.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a president who, when asked if one o’clock was a good time to have our military base attacked with deadly force, answered how about never? would never be a good time for you?

but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s face? look at this half-assed job he’s done of tarting himself up. the makeup stops well before his hairline. he’s given himself raccoon eyes, and he didn’t even try to cover his chin.

Donny insists on doing his own makeup — but he’s deteriorated to the point where he routinely fucks it up, just like he routinely fucks everything up.

Donny’s quickly approaching Bette-Davis-in-Whatever-Happened-to-Baby-Jane territory —

and we’re all just expected to ignore the fact that the Emperor has no brain.

this really is the stupidest possible timeline.