Unabashedly stolen from I Should Be Laughing because the entire thing is just that good:
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| Dr. Anthony Fauci, talking to CNN about the GOP and MTG coming for him:
"It's a pattern, Kaitlan, that whenever somebody gets up—whether it's a news media, you know Fox News, does it a lot, or it's somebody in the Congress who gets up and makes a public statement that's responsible for the deaths of X number of people because of policies or some crazy idea that I created—immediately, it's like clockwork. The death threats go way up. So, that's the reason why I'm still getting death threats, when you have performances like that unusual performance by Marjorie Taylor Greene in today's hearing, those are the kind of things that drive up the death threats because there is a segment of the population out there that believe that kind of nonsense." As I saw on Facebook yesterday, please remember that Fauci graduated from Cornell and Large Marge can boil corn. That's all. |
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| Jamie Raskin, Maryland Democrat, speaking to Fauci at this latest hearing:
"[The GOP] is treating you, Dr. Fauci, like a convicted felon. Actually, you probably wish they were treating you like a convicted felon. They treat them with love and admiration. Some blindly worship them." Snap. |
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| Ken Buck, retiring GOP Representative, speaking to Jon Stewart:'
"I think the problem right now is everybody gets their news sources in silos and they just keep getting reinforced with certain ideas. I went to a neighbor's house the day after the 2020 election, their flag was upside down. There's a lot of life out there besides arguing about nothing and telling lies, and so I made a choice to go enjoy what I've got left. I left because I couldn't tell the lie. The 2020 election wasn't stolen. The January 6 defendants aren't political prisoners. I think there is a leader out there that will unify and help unify America, and it's somebody who has great morals, somebody who has great leadership skills. A John F. Kennedy. You know, I probably wouldn't have said this 20 years ago, that he was a great hero, but you look at what John F. Kennedy did in terms of bringing the country together during the Cold War and moving us forward. There is somebody there that will help America heal and move forward. I know it's not Ken Buck and I know that it's not one of the two candidates leading the country in the polls right now."I think it's Pete Buttigieg and if we can keep Hair Furor out of power, we can get a President Pete in 2028. So Vote Blue for the future. |
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| Stormy Daniels, asking Melanie to leave her crooked husband—not because he f*cked a porn star but because he's a convicted felon:
"I don't know what their agreement may or may not be, but Melania needs to leave him. Not because of what he did with me or other women but because he is a convicted felon. It's been proven he is abusive; he was found liable for sexual assault and tax fraud and is now a criminal. He's neither Teflon Don nor Teflon Con anymore."Yeah, I imagine Melanie has had a team of lawyers rewriting her prenup every other day to make sure she gets more and more coins the longer he stays with Hair Furor. |
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| Kevin Maxen, the Jacksonville Jaguars strength coach, celebrating his first Pride since coming out last summer:
"Today I get to celebrate the start of my first Pride Month, as open and true to myself as I possibly could be. With all the fear and concern regarding LGBTQ inclusion in sports, I was very worried about how I would be welcomed and viewed by my peers, but after publicly coming out before the start of training camp this past summer, the Jaguars proved to me that no matter what, who, or how you identify, you are supported, loved and valued."The Jaguars were one of the first pro sports teams to share a pro-LGBTQ Pride Month message on June 1; even team owner Shad Khan said: "Kevin is a Jacksonville Jaguar through and through, and a key member of our football team and community. I look forward to seeing Kevin next week at training camp and hope that he comes to work each day during camp and through the season feeling confident, free and at peace."It's doubtful the Jaguars would have been this on-top of Pride Month without an out coach. |
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| Adam Schiff, California Democrat Representative, on Hair Furor's daughter-in-law minion, Lara and her whines about the trial:
"Well, first, in terms of Lara _____'s interview, and her complaining about the case being tried in New York before New York jury, if you don't want to be tried in front of a New York jury, then maybe don't commit so many crimes in New York City. It's pretty simple. And that jury was selected in part by [Hair Furor] and his attorneys. They vetted each of the jurors. He had every right that every other criminal defendant has in that courtroom. And they found—this ordinary jury of peers found him guilty on every single count. So if you don't want to be tried in New York, don't commit crimes in New York. But he got the same due process as any other person and that's exactly the way it should be." Facts are facts, Lara. |
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| Hair Furor, on Fox & Friends Weekends, lying cuz it's all he does:
"I beat her. It's easier when you win. And they always said lock her up, and I felt—and I could have done it, but I felt it would have been a terrible thing. And then this happened to me. Hillary Clinton—I didn't say lock her up, but the people said lock her up, lock her up. Okay. Then, we won. And I say—and I said pretty openly, I said, all right, come on, just relax, let's go, we've got to make our country great. And it would have been—think of it, you lock up the wife of a president of the United States."Seriously, how many hundreds of times did he effing say it in front of his cult, in front of a goddamned microphone, in front of a f*cking camera, and now he says he never said it. |
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| David Sedaris, humorist and author, on the choices for president in 2024:
"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked." I don't need the shit and shards of glass, do you? |
