Category: 2024 Election

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I Miss Joe.

For the four years Biden was in office, not ONCE did I wake up and think, WTF did he do now?  I miss that.

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That’s easy. Are her lips flapping? She’s lying.

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

so, Senate Republicans put on their usual dog-and-pony kabuki. they did that thing where they rend their garments, throw their arms up in despair, and wail ‘how can I in good conscience vote for this terrible bill? so conflicted! so conflicted!’

the media gobbles this Lucy-and-the-football shit right down. it makes for such great headlines. Republicans in disarray! legislation in jeopardy! will they actually defy the Mad King?

and then, when it comes time to vote, every almost single fucking Republican is a ‘yes.’

so now, the Big Beautiful Pile Of Shit goes back to the House, where we can watch the same pretend-garment-rending happen all over again.

three Republican senators actually had the bravery to vote against this economic abomination. Tom Tillis, Rand Paul, and — holy shit — Susan Collins! this time, Susan Collins didn’t susancollins. she actually stuck to her guns and voted against the bill she swore she wouldn’t vote for.

but you know who did just susancollins her way to infamy? Lisa Murkowski. you can drop blame for the bill’s passage right in Lisa’s lap. if she’d voted no — as she implied a thousand fucking times that she would — the bill would have gone down in defeat, 49-51.

Lisa Murskowski is so sad right now. she can’t understand why Lisa Murkowski didn’t prevent Lisa Murkowski from doing what she did.

look how sad.

“I know that in many parts of the country, there are Americans that are not going to be advantaged by this bill.”

and later,

“we do not have a perfect bill by any stretch of the imagination. my hope is that the House is going to look at this and recognize that we’re not there yet.”

fabulous. Lisa’s going to absolve herself of any culpability, and kick the can across the Capitol Building back into the well of the House. she’s going to hope Republican Reps bail her out.

oh, sure. because Madge Three-Toes and Handey Oakley and Holy Mike Johnson and the whole worthless lot of them can always be depended on to do the right thing.

thanks a fucking lot, Lisa. here’s a present from the American people.

who’s the biggest pantload in the Democratic Party right now? I’m thinking it might be this guy.

“NEWS: I just got the name struck off this bill with a move on the floor of the Senate. It is no longer named ‘One Big Beautiful Bill.’”

awesome work, honcho. that’ll solve everything. you have totally met the moment, Chuckers.

write yourself a strongly-worded letter.

in a world of Chuck Schumers, be a Jasmine Crockett.

I don’t really understand what it is that y’all plan to go back and tell your constituents. the reality is that you have sold your constituents out for 83 people in this country. how is it that you can explain that we still are running up the credit card and we have nothing to show for it except for the fact that we won’t have food on the tables and we won’t have health care?”

I’d love to predict the imminent demise of the Republican Party, because none of this shit is popular.

Harry Enten: “you don’t have to be a mathematical genius to know that these are horrible, horrible, horrible numbers. Washington Post, -19 points, Fox News -21 points … holy Toledo — you just never see numbers this poor … to quote Sir Charles Barkley, ‘terrible terrible terrible’ … it is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation that I have ever seen.”

and that clip is from from before the bill cleared the Senate. wait until the House passes this shitpile of a bill, Donny signs it into law, and Cletus finds out that Dear Leader lied to him about saving Medicaid — and now grandma has to come live with him because her health insurance went fuckity-bye, and the nursing home kicked her out onto the street.

you would hope that Republican voters will remember this all the way to Election Day next year. but the average MAGA is basically the guy from Memento, who literally can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, unless it’s tattooed onto him.

so it’s up to us to stay angry, and never let your drunk MAGA uncle at Thanksgiving forget how Dear Leader screwed him.

oh look, it’s just the worst people in the world, having the time of their lives at the Grand Opening of America’s newest concentration camp, Alligator Auschwitz.

yeah, that let’s trample all over basic human rights shit sure is fucking hilarious.

hey, you know who else laughed it up while doing war crimes? these jolly madcaps.

those are guards and office workers at the actual Auschwitz, kicking back during some downtime.

oh, huh.

folks, these are truly historic times we’re living in. it isn’t every day you get to watch an American president’s brain leak out of his ears in real-time.

reporter: “Mr. President, is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here? days, weeks, months? and does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you just spoke about, being trained and staffed here?”
Donny: “what was the first part of your question?”
reporter: “is there a specific timeframe you expect the detainees to stay here? days, weeks, months?”
Donny: “in Florida?”
reporter: “yes.”
Donny: “I’m gonna spend a lot. look, this is my home state. I love it. I love your government. I love all the people around— these are all friends of mine. and they know I’m— very well. I’m not surprised that they do so well. they’re great— people. uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time. I feel very comfortable in this state. I’ll spend a lot of time here.”

in the space of one second, Donny forgets what question he’s been asked, and starts improvising a nonsensical answer.

does Donny even know what planet he’s on right now? I’d love to see a reporter stand up and ask ‘Mr. President, what day of the week is it?’

hey, worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — any interest in reporting on the obvious deterioration of Mad King Donny Demento?

I thought so.

you know, there are a lot of things in this world that have never happened — but if you were to put together a list of all the things that never happened the most, the heartwarming tale we’re about to hear from Kristi Noem would def be in the top five.

“Joe Biden let the worst of the worst come in. they other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.

because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled “ICE detains cannibal” — just to double-check, because who knows? maybe this patently ridiculous allegation isn’t just some fever-swamp hallucination of Kristi’s. maybe it actually happened.

fact check: fuck off, puppy perforator.

every search result links back to yesterday’s press conference, and everyone is mocking Kristi for being a dumb-ass — with the exception of the wingnut media. they’re printing it as if it were God’s own truth.

check out the New York Post.

because of course they are. it’s good business. no one ever went broke underestimating the gullible stupidity of MAGA.

 

An Personal Note From Your Host

As I wrote a few weeks ago, a troublesome spot appeared on the back of my tongue one day and based on my history, my ENT decided a biopsy was in order. The biopsy was performed, and it came back as a malignant squamous cell carcinoma.

I met with him on Monday to discuss my options. I went through seven weeks of radiation therapy back in 2003 for my laryngeal cancer. This took care of that, and I’ve been cancer-free for the past twenty-two years. But the radiation took a huge toll (that actually didn’t start manifesting until about three years ago). Even with the hell I went through with those treatments, when my doc presented the options—surgery, radiation, chemo (or some combination of all three) and after he described the surgery (it’s horrific), I immediately zeroed in on the radiation again. Trouble is, I might not be able to have radiation again.

So as not to drag this thing out, after much reflection—and speaking to a dear friend who’s been a nurse since I was in high school who talked me off the ledge yesterday—surgery remains the best option. It’s not going to be fun by any means, but after speaking to the surgeon who’s going to be handling my tongue reconstruction after the tumor has been removed, I feel much better about the whole procedure. It’s a ten hour procedure. Afterward I’ll be in the ICU for three days, followed by another week or so in the hospital. I’ll have a feeding tube for some amount of time, and there will be weeks—or months—of speech and swallow therapy once I’m released. The doctor I spoke to today said everything should “mostly” be back to “normal” by the first of the year—although a complete recovery could take up to a year.

How am I dealing with this? Last night—prior to speaking to my friend—I was near tears. After speaking with her (who is dealing with a much more serious cancer herself but beating it into submission) I wrapped my head around the idea that this is just one. more. adventure. in this thing called life.

I have no doubt whatsoever that I will come out the other side cancer free; it’s just getting from here to there that’s probably going to test me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Or not. Maybe I’m stronger (as my friend insists) than I believe.

It will probably be another 5-6 weeks before this happens so I have plenty of time to mentally prepare. As Ben said, “It’s the unknown that’s the worst part.”

All I know is that—much like 22 years ago—I refuse to let a group of runaway cells the size of a pencil eraser dictate shit. 

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

every Republican is giddy with glee today, because the President of the United States is coming to the Grand Opening of their latest exercise in abject cruelty: an actual concentration camp.

read that sentence again. then read it another hundred times, and ask yourself: what the fuck?

what the fuck is a question you’re going to be asking yourself a lot today, because just a few short years ago, none of this shit would have even been thinkable — and now, deliberate human rights abuses are official government policy.

what the fuck?

look, the visit is right there on Donny’s official schedule.

‘Alligator Alcatraz’ — isn’t that name totally adorbs? — is the brainchild of Florida Governor Ron DeSadist. he commandeered a decaying, abandoned airport in the middle of hot, humid, mosquito-, alligator- and python- infested South Florida swampland, hastily put up a few hundred tents, and declared that America’s newest concentration camp is open for business.

send us all those nannies and day laborers that ICE has been disappearing off the streets, and we’ll make sure their lives are as miserable as possible as they await being shipped off to who the fuck cares, just get them out of Dear Leader’s sight.

seriously, what the fuck?

you would hope that DeSantis would at least have the decency to be ashamed of what he’s doing, and pull all this shit under the cover of darkness. but nope, he’s super fucking proud of himself. last week, he gave a tour of the joint to Fox News.

“and then of course, you also have stuff for the staff here. so you’ve got laundry facilities, we’ve got showers, we’ve got— obviously, you see the shower and bath facilities.”

how awesome. the guards and staff get air conditioning, hot meals and bathrooms. the lucky inmates, however, are cordially invited to go fuck themselves. they get tents, on what used to be an airport tarmac, under the hundred-degree Florida summer sun.

what the fuck?

Ron put this whole thing together in a matter of days, so you know it’s going to be some shoddily-built piece of shit that’s going to be a nightmare to live in.

know where Ron got the $450 million to finance this abomination? from FEMA. think about that the next time a category-five hurricane devastates Florida and the government is all oh, so sorry, there’s no money to rebuild.

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny has put his stamp of approval on this entire abomination.

“tomorrow, President Trump will travel to the great state of Florida, to attend the opening of a new illegal alien detention center located at Dade-Collier training and transition airport… the facility is in the heart of the Everglades, and will be informally known as ‘Alligator Alcatraz.’ there is only one road leading in, and the only way out is a one-way flight. it is isolated and surrounded by dangerous wildlife — an unforgiving terrain. the facility will have up to five thousand beds, house, process and deport criminal illegal aliens. this is an efficient and low cost way to help carry out the largest mass deportation campaign in American history.”

what kind of sick fuck brags about this shit?

the only way out is a one-way flight, because there’s no due process.congratulations, Stephen Miller is your judge, jury and executioner.

one minute you’re stocking the shelves of a Home Depot — and the next thing you know, ICE goons swoop in and rendition you off to Alligator Auschwitz. next stop, some hellhole slave-labor gulag in El Salvador. if you’re lucky.

what the fuck?

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Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Mad King Donny — the total obliterator who once totally obliterated five Atlantic City casinos — has returned to an old goal: to totally obliterate any dissent from the press. to accomplish that, he’s picked the Fox News chat show host who’s spent many a night totally obliterating his liquor cabinet on the way to getting himself totally fucking obliterated.

Donny commanded Pete Kegstand to hold a press conference yesterday, at the ungodly hour of 8am — totally obliterating any chance for Plastered Pete to sleep off his total obliteration from the night before.

Pete was not in a good mood. check out Old Yeller, as he totally obliterates any notion that he wasn’t up there performing for an audience of one: Dear Leader, who was back in the White House, watching it all on TV.

“President Trump directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history, and it was a resounding success resulting in a ceasefire agreement and the end of the 12-day war.”

wait, Donny directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history?

fact check: true.

that’s right, Donny traveled back in time, like the Terminator, and nailed the shit out of D-Day.

D-Day, the June 6, 1944, Allied invasion of France, took a year of planning, involved 156,000 Allied soldiers and 195,700 naval personnel, and required cooperation of leaders from thirteen countries. It remains the largest seaborne invasion in history.

then he thanked everyone for their attention to that matter, and returned to the present in time to catch himself on Fox News.

Donny knows more about D-ing a day than all the D-Dayers — and you ungrateful fucks won’t give him one ounce of credit for it.

but let’s get back to our current shitty timeline — because we’re all trying to square in our minds this claim of absolute secrecy, when in reality, President Blabbermouth spent so much time yammering about US plans that Iran was able to move all their enriched uranium to who the fuck even knows where.

reporters wanted to know about that thing we definitely all saw: the satellite images of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.


even Fox News was all ‘hey Pete, how can you be so sure that Iran hadn’t moved and hidden all their enriched uranium?’

‘shut the fuck up,’ Pete helpfully explained.

Fox News’ Jennifer Griffin: “it’s about highly-enriched uranium. do you have certainty that all the highly-enriched uranium was inside the Fordo mountain, or some of it, because there are satellite photos showed more than a dozen trucks there, two days in advance. are you certain none of that highly enriched uranium was moved?”

Pete: “Jennifer, you’ve been about the worst. the one who misrepresents the most. intentionally.”

Griffin: “I take issue with that.”

here’s reporter Kyle Clark’s comment on that exchange.

“When an official responds to a question with anger and insults rather than an answer, that’s every journalist’s signal that they’ve asked a good question.”

by the way, the Mad King has his own explanation of what was going in those satellite images — and please sit down, because this is going to be one of the dumbest fucking things you’ll ever read.

“The cars and small trucks at the site were those of concrete workers trying to cover up the top of the shafts. Nothing was taken out of facility. Would take too long, too dangerous, and very heavy and hard to move!”

wait, what? concrete workers, doing what? covering up the holes in the ground? why? so the bombs wouldn’t go down the holes? the bombs that the Iranians didn’t know were coming, because the whole operation was the most secretive secret ever secreted?

does Donny ever listen to the shit that falls out of his own mouth?

tell me, do you think Donny came up with that bullshit story all on his own? or did Donny wave that satellite photo in the air and demand an answer, and one of the Sewer Clowns sat him down and made up that fairy tale, while Donny nodded sagely and took it all in?

now tell me, which is the scarier explanation?

oh, and Donny also knows who the leakers are.

“The Democrats are the ones who leaked the information on the PERFECT FLIGHT to the Nuclear Sites in Iran. They should be prosecuted!”

oh, okay. are the Democrats in the room with us right now?

Plastered Pete never answered Fox News reporter Jennifer Griffin’s question about those satellite images — because he wasn’t there to answer any stinking questions. he was there yell, to hector, and, above all, to whine about how mean everybody always is to Dear Leader.

“because you — and I mean specifically you, the press — because you cheer against Trump so hard. it’s like in your DNA and in your blood to cheer against Trump, because you want him not to be successful so bad, you have to cheer against the efficacy of these strikes. you have to hope maybe they weren’t effective … and manipulate the public mind over whether or not our brave pilots were successful.”

for fuck’s sake, could this administration please stop trying to pretend this is about the bravery of the pilots. this is about knowing the truth about one thing only: is our country more safe, or less safe, as a result of this bombing?

don’t fucking lie right to our faces, because what’s at stake is our national security — which should be more important than stroking ego of the fragile shitbag in the Oval Office. but unfortunately, to this gang of fucksticks, it isn’t.

this incompetent fool has a lot of goddamned gall lecturing anyone about how to do their jobs. really, we should all be thankful that Fumblefingers Pete didn’t text plans for the Iran bombing to a journalist — or to his wife.

wait. how do we know Pete didn’t blab Iran attack plans to his wife?

by the way, nice hair, Pete. you’ve totally obliterated the notion that the makeup studio you built in the Pentagon wasn’t worth the thousands of dollars you spent on it.

oh, and Mission Accomplished.

“One of the greatest, most professional, and most ‘confirming’ News Conferences I have ever seen! The Fake News should fire everyone involved in this Witch Hunt, and apologize to our great warriors, and everyone else!”

it all just one big performative circle-jerk to these clowns.

here’s your hero of the day: the Netherlands’ Queen Maxima, who met Donny prior to Tuesday’s NATO meeting, took look one look at his rancid anus-mouth and totally mocked the shit out of it — because when you’re a queen, they let you.

uck yeah — let’s slow it down and gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

 

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.

the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.

let us review the atrocities.

the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.

this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.

let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’

“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”

yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.

but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.

“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”

seriously?

presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.

did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?

I shit you not.

At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”

Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.

but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.

twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?

this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.

Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”

trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.

but now, even Massie is happily chowing down on the trust Dear Leadershitwich.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58

“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”

that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.

come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.

Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.

these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.

meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.

no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.

wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.

Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.

US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.

but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.

oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?

“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”

oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.

I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.

I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.

the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.

nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.

we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?

Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.

but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.

“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.

Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.

Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”

fuck me, we’re doomed.

let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.

we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?

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A Day Late And A Dollar Short

Sorry, Bernie. I like you, but the genie is already out of the bottle, and unless you can convince a sizable number of your colleagues to impeach, convict, and remove the orange felon from office, this is just meaningless posturing. FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

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We Are FUCKED

They don’t know what they’re doing.

They don’t have a plan.

They don’t have a single message.

They are not working on facts only “vibes.”