Category: 2024 Election

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Monday Madness

let’s be clear: Preznit Fuckwit needed a distraction. his tariff scheme went tits-up. everyone’s laughing at Taco Donny. Putin’s ignoring him. no one’s impressed with his vulgar flying bordello. his ‘big beautiful bill’ is a big beautiful clusterfuck. DOGE is a bust. his bromance with the Space Nazi has gone fuckity-bye.

the Mad King had to come up with something, anything, to make him feel better about his own worthless, failing self — and so he decided to go full fascist.

a lot of fucked-up shit went down this weekend in Los Angeles. let’s let California Governor Gavin Newsom sum up perfectly why the blame for all of it needs to land squarely on the Mad King’s shoulders.

“Let’s get this straight:
1) Local law enforcement didn’t need help.
2) Trump sent troops anyway — to manufacture chaos and violence.
3) Trump succeeded.
4) Now things are destabilized and we need to send in more law enforcement just to clean up Trump’s mess.”

let’s back this up one step further: none of this had to happen at all.

Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.

On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.

got that? ICE went on a fishing expedition based on zero evidence. they invaded places of business. they targeted random brown people at locations where they were likely to be found. which, in Los Angeles, is everyfuckingwhere.

ICE went looking for trouble — and when they didn’t find any, they started some.

none of this was necessary.

it’s really weird how Joe Biden managed to deport undocumented migrants — in greater numbers than Donny — without shitting on the Constitution, without stomping all over human rights — and without disappearing cancer-stricken children who happen to be American citizens.

you know who else took care of immigration policy without fucking everything all to hell? Barack Obama. Bill Clinton. both Smirky Bush and Poppy Bush. Ronald Reagan. Jimmy Carter. Gerald Ford. on and on.

it’s only the Mad King who turned the simple task of managing the border into a five-alarm shithole nightmare. I guess that’s just a coincidence.

or maybe it’s that Donny is a racist chaos-junkie who gets off on violence. his lust for blood was so off the charts that he took a victory lap even before the National Guard arrived on the scene.

“Great job by the National Guard in Los Angeles after two days of violence, clashes and unrest … Again, thank you to the National Guard for a job well done!”

it cannot be stressed enough that Donny posted this about six hours before a single National Guard deployed in Los Angeles.

Donny needs you to believe that all of Los Angeles is a hellish, smoking ruin right now.

“A once great American City, Los Angeles, has been invaded and occupied by Illegal Aliens and Criminals. Now violent, insurrectionist mobs are swarming and attacking our Federal Agents to try and stop our deportation operations.”

none of that shit is true. Los Angeles hasn’t been ‘invaded’ or ‘occupied.’ violent mobs aren’t ‘swarming.’

do you know how many undocumented migrants were arrested by ICE after their Friday sweep of the city?

They arrested 121 people.

one hundred and twenty one people. in a city of 3.821 million. that’s not an invasion, nor an occupation. that’s a rounding error away from zero.

this isn’t the first time Donny’s pulled this “everything’s burning to the ground and only I can save it” bullshit. during the George Floyd protests in 2020, Donny never stopped beating the drum about how Portland, Oregon was a smoking ruin.

fact check: fuck straight off.

Portland’s fire department has a message for President Donald Trump: the whole city is not on fire.

At a Monday news conference, Trump claimed that protests in Portland have been so damaging that “the entire city is ablaze all the time.”

the Portland protests were confined to a small, downtown area — but Donny did such a good job of lying that to this day, there are cultists who will swear to you that the entire city of Portland remains a smoking pile of ashes.

and now the Mad King is doing it all over again with Los Angeles.

did you notice that Donny referred to the protestors as ‘insurrectionists’? that’s because words no longer have meanings in America.

here’s Nosferatu McGoebbels, joining the party and cranking the Orwell dial so far past eleven that it snaps off in his vampyric hand.

“An insurrection against the laws and sovereignty of the United States.”

and when there was only one set of footprints, that’s when Jesus was standing behind Pee Wee German, rolling his eyes and miming jerkoff motions.

yeah, no, jackass: protesting human rights violations is in no way an insurrection. do you really need a definition of an insurrection? here’s one: an insurrection is when you’re such a big fucking baby that you can’t deal with losing an election, and so you whip your deranged worshipers into a frenzy, and then send them off to storm the Capitol, beat the shit out of cops, and stop the certification of votes.

and while we’re on the subject of beating the shit out of cops —

“Hit a cop, you’re going to jail… doesn’t matter where you came from, how you got here, or what movement speaks to you. If the local police force won’t back our men and women on the thin blue line, we will.”

hey Krazee Eyes, what about these guys?

every single one of these cop-beating shitbags got pardoned by Dear Leader on his first day in office.

but wait — we’re not done with our Grand Tour of Sewer Clown Hypocrisy. I’m so old, I remember when a President deploying the National Guard was bad.

“if Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”

that was ICE Barbie all the way back in 2024, when she was merely the puppy-perforating governor of South Dakota.

back then, Joe Biden was trying to prevent Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, from using razor-wire booby traps to slice the shit out of border-crossing migrants.

hyperventilating Republicans had a message for Joe: deploying the National Guard would be a bridge too far, because states rights!

but now, when Dear Leader wants the Guard to patrol California, suddenly states’ rights are no longer an issue, because — well, frankly, I’m having a hard time deciding if it’s because reasons or because fuck you, that’s why. maybe it’s both.

meanwhile, Donny remains glued to the TV and rooting for bloodshed — in his own country. what kind of broken-inside fuck does that?

arrest the people wearing face masks? who, the ICE goons?

you know, I seem to remember someone warning us that all this would come to pass, if Donny were elected. I also remember that the media was all shut the fuck up, laughing lady.

“Kamala’s newest lie: Trump will send the army after you.”

uh-huh. tell me, is it a lie if something comes true?

the press is continuing to be no help at all.

got that? the Mad King isn’t using the laws of our land for toilet paper — he’s ‘charting new territory.’ thanks for clearing that up, LA Times.

Donny spent his entire first presidency chipping away at the Constitution. now he’s traded his chisel for a blowtorch — and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press are still treating Donny’s ever-quickening rush to fascism as if it were just some interesting variation on governance.

what are we even doing here, worthless scribblers?

stay angry.

stay safe.

and never lose your sense of humor.

Trump nearly falls flat on his face while struggling to walk up the steps to Air Force One today

[image or embed]

— MeidasTouch (@meidastouch.com) June 8, 2025 at 1:49 PM

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

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last week, as the world’s richest burnout and the world’s most erratic imbecile were distracting us with their pig-wallow slap-fight, Republican fuckfaces were fuckfacing up a storm.

let’s catch up on some of the clownholery that might have flown under your radar.

granny-starving Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick can fuck all the way off.

Congresswoman Madeleine Dean: “what’s the tariff on bananas?”
Lutnick: “generally 10%”
Dean: “Walmart has already increased the cost of bananas by 8%.”
Lutnick: “if you build in America, there is no tariff.”
Dean: “we cannot build bananas in America.”

this smug fuck has just one stock answer that he shoehorns into every situation, even if it makes no sense: build it in America.

yeah, let’s do that. let’s open dozens of banana factories all across the land, with hundreds of thousands of workers screwing billions of tiny little screws into millions of bananas as they roll down the assembly line. fuck you, Guatamala! eat it, Ecuador! bananas are American now!

lord save us from these out-of-touch idiots.

wouldn’t you like to see one moment of honesty from Howard the Lut?

“don’t you think I fucking know we can’t build bananas? my boss is a moron, and I have to say shit like this to keep my job. do you think I enjoy lying to you?”

wait, no — strike that last bit, because yeah, actually, I do think that Granny-Starvin’ Howard enjoys lying to everybody. that’s the way sociopaths roll.

wait, what’s Lutnick doing back? didn’t we just tell him to fuck off?

“the idea is to automate that, to put it on the cloud, so that the 2,100 meteorologists and the hundreds of hydrologists can forecast the weather from central locations, and back up each other, and be more appropriate.”

that’s Howie, buzzwording at a mile a minute, explaining why it was totes cool for the Space Nazi’s merry band of pimply DOGE incels to walk into the offices of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and fire everyone in sight.

it cannot be overstated just how much Howie has no fucking clue what he’s talking about. all he’s doing is mindlessly parrotting the incoherent gibberish that Kid Ketamine yammered at him whilst in the middle of a ten-day bender.

 

…and then all the spoons and the forks will be up in the cloud which will be so much more appropriate to the hydrologists…

meanwhile, the National Weather Service has been gutted to the point where it can’t even predict a fucking tornado.

awesome job, Lutnick. why don’tcha go out and starve a few more grannies. you’ve earned it.

White House energy vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett can fuck off— but before he does, could he please wipe that annoying smirk off his face?

 

“the federal government workers, they’re hard-working, a lot of them are highly-skilled, but they’re sitting doing government work that isn’t much value.”

oh, please piss straight up a rope with this “not much value” horse shit. it’s all fun and games until your food stops being inspected, and planes start falling out of the sky.

I can think of one government worker who adds ZERO value to our country: Kevin Hassett. does he even have an office? in every single interview, he’s on the lawn in front of the White House.

here’s some rando ‘economic advisor’ who apparently also lives on the lawn. he can fuck off.

Stephen Miran: “there are a lot of deals in the works. I expect a flurry around the deadline.” Fox host: “I’m sorry to interrupt but every time we do these segments, I’m just looking for the name of a country. can you give me a name?”
Miran: “I cannot.”

bro, if you can’t give us a name, can you at least tell us if any of these countries are in the room with us right now?

another day, another round of dissembling from one of the Mad King’s ass-clown stooges. look, on April 12th, we were promised “90 deals in 90 days,” as the Greatest Dealmaker of All Time was going to astonish us all with bang! bang! bang! one amazing trade deal after another.

the reality is that we’re getting 90 fuckwits on the White House lawn in 90 days — because it turns out the dipshit in the Oval Office isn’t the Greatest Dealmaker. instead, he’s Taco Donny, and he has no fucking clue what he’s doing.

by the way, mad props to Matthew Budman on bluesky, who reminded me that I tweeted this six years ago today.

in six years, not one fucking thing has changed. Donny is still praising himself for imaginary accomplishments — and now, even Fox News is getting fed up with the constant dog-and-ponying.

before we get into this next clip, let me remind everyone that Louisiana Senator John “Not The Good John” Kennedy is an actual Oxford-educated Rhodes Scholar who pretends to be a moron in order to pander to the rubes who vote for him.

keep all that in your mind as the Esteemed Senator does his Mushmouth McYokel act.

oh, and Senator Kennedy can fuck all the way off.

Kennedy: “Harvard is in many respects violatin’ federal law.”

Morning Joe: ‘what federal law is Harvard violating?”

Kennedy: “Harvard practices ideological capture.”

now, I’m not a fancy-shmancy Rhodes Scholar like the esteemed senator here, so I had to google ‘ideological capture’ to find out what it is — and what I found were a shitload of right-wing thinks tanks all whining about universities that are — to put it in terms that Senator Kennedy would understand — ‘they’s teachin’ things ah don’ like.’

but you know what? whatever ‘ideological capture’ is or isn’t, there’s no federal law against it — so Senator Marblemouth can stick a fucking sock in his performative-nonsense grandstanding. that shit might impress his dumb-as-rocks constituents, but we’re not buying any today.

here’s your hero of the day: Patricia Eguino, who used both a bullhorn and an air-horn to disrupt an attempted press conference by Proud Boy Enrique Tarrio. she completely derailed that shit. enjoy

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The Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: twice as nice

when last we checked in on pig-castration aficionado and noted philosopher Joni Ernst, the Iowa senator was being royally roasted for having told a town hall audience to basically shut the fuck up and stop complaining about people being thrown off Medicaid, because — and I’m quoting here — “we all are going to die.”

not content at having shot herself in one foot, Joni reloaded her rhetorical shotgun, took careful aim, and began blasting away at the other.

“hello everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for a statement that I made yesterday at my town hall. see, I was in the process of answering a question that had been asked by an audience member when a woman who was extremely distraught screamed out from the back corner of the auditorium, ‘people are going to die’ — and I made an incorrect assumption, that everyone in the auditorium understood that yes, we are all going to perish from this earth. so, I apologize for this, and I’m really, really glad that I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well.”

ah yes, the tried-and-true “I’m so sorry … that you people are fucking morons” tack.

holy shitballs, get a load of where Joni Ernst is recording herself. she’s actually walking through a cemetery while shitting on the heads of her constituents. the arrogance is off the charts.

I would love to predict that Joni’s condescending video will be the end of her political career. I’d love to go on about how the Democrat who runs against her in 2026 will turn her own words into a devastating campaign commercial, and that Ernst will be crushed in the next election.

never forget, however, that we live in the stupidest possible timeline — and Iowa voters are gluttons for punishment.

Iowa’s the state that has re-elected Chuck Grassley to the Senate a record three hundred and sixteen times. dude’s been in office since before the Revolutionary War. so I’m not holding out any hope for Iowa’s voters to come to their senses any time soon.

tuesday: a mind is a terrible thing to not have

when they build the Stupid Hall of Fame, Marjorie Three Toes Greene will have her very own wing. imagine having one of the most important jobs in America and sleepwalking your way through it.

“Full transparency, I did not know about this section on pages 278-279 of the OBBB that strips states of the right to make laws or regulate AI for 10 years. I am adamantly OPPOSED to this and it is a violation of state rights and I would have voted NO if I had known this was in there.”

that’s a stunning confession. ‘I would have voted no if I had bothered to read what I was voting on.’

good job doing your job, Marge.

this is how we ended up with all those space lasers, by the way. Marge voted yes on the Jewish Space Lasers Act Of 2022 without even glancing at the title of it. so she has no right to complain about any weather-related incident.

the thing about this current budget bill, however, is that Congresswoman Sporkfoot is not wrong about AI. it’s an environmental disaster, it steals intellectual property, and we need to heavily regulate the shit out of how it’s implemented before it’s too late.

so fuck every Republican for making me agree with Marge Greene.

we’ve sure been getting a lot of use out of the “worst person you know” meme lately, haven’t we?

wednesday: how about taking a vacation from being horrible, Tom

leave Tom Homan alone, you monsters.

“I had over a thousand protestors at my lake house just a month ago.”

OH MY GOD, NOT THE LAKE HOUSE.

look, self-styled “border czar” Tom Homan didn’t sign up for any of this crap. all he ever wanted to do was kidnap innocent immigrant families off the streets and deport them to who the fuck cares, just get them out of my sight. and you people have the nerve to protest about it — at his lake house.

I have to confess that when I heard Homan whining about a “thousand protestors” in some small upstate NY town, my bullshit detector started clanging — because the whole deal sounded like a big bowl of yeah, right. so I decided to investigate. guess what—

fact check: true.

after ICE goons kidnapped a mother and her three kids from their house in Tom Homan’s home town, about a thousand protestors marched from the center of town down to his beloved lakefront property.

do you know what? the protest worked. the mother and her children were released.

A mother and three children who were “snatched” from their home by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents and detained for 11 days were released Monday following an outpouring of community anger — including a protest outside the house of Donald Trump’s border czar.

so boo fucking hoo, Tom. for once, justice prevailed. stop whining about it.

eat binky, creep.

thursday: wut

good lord, he’s so fucking stupid.

“I’ve uncovered the human mind, I was in a debate with the human mind.”

gee, that’s nice.

but let’s set aside President Yap Yap’s tapioca-filled head for now, and focus instead on his administration’s latest abomination.

that’s right: to get a civil service job in the Royal Kingdom of Donnyland, it’s no longer enough to merely have a cool nickname like “Big Balls.” you now have to sit down and compose a love letter to Dear Leader.

One of those “assessments,” the memo explains, is four 200-word essay questions each applicant must answer in order to prove that they would be a good fit for the Trump administration.

here’s one of the questions.

“How would you help advance the President’s Executive Orders and policy priorities in this role? Identify one or two relevant Executive Orders or policy initiatives that are significant to you, and explain how you would help implement them if hired.”

I’ve been thinking of applying for a job in the Mad King’s royal court, and I’ve been working on my essay. here’s what I’ve got so far.

“dear shit-for-brains,
what the fuck is wrong with you? this is America — and in America, government employees are loyal to the Constitution, not to some syphilitic megalomaniac.”

friday: dessicated corpse speaks!

now let’s check in on the world’s oldest living human fossil.

Chuck Grassley: “my hunch at the moment is they’re gonna come up with a lot of things President Biden did not sign, maybe thousands of things signed by autopen.”

Fox: “It’s not illegal to use an autopen, is it?”

Grassley: “I can’t answer that question for you. maybe I should be able to, but I can’t.”

here’s a fun fact: at one hundred and sixty four years of age, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley is twice as old as Joe Biden. he’s been in government long enough to know that there is nothing illegal about a president using an autopen to sign documents.

for fuck’s sake, Mad King Donny uses an autopen. do you think he actually sat there and personally signed over one thousand pardons for Jan 6 insurrectionists? his tiny little fist would have fallen off.

there are two possible explanations for Chucker’s insistence that he “can’t answer that question” — and both of them suck. one is that Grassley genuinely hasn’t a clue how his own government functions, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.

the other (more likely) explanation is that Grassley has to pretend to be an idiot in order not to anger Dear Leader by giving the honest answer, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.

welcome to America 2025, where one entire political party tiptoes around their Mad King, pretending it’s perfectly normal for a country’s chief executive to accuse his predecessor of being a crime-committing robot — while the rest of us are left to gape incredulously at how fucking idiotic it all is.

stupidest. possible. timeline. ever.

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Friday Madness

let’s cut right to the chase: this is the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.

anyone with any sense saw this coming a mile away. the first time Mad King Donny and the Space Nazi formed their fucked-up alliance, we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole enterprise went tits-up.

you can’t put two broken-inside man-babies — each of whom believes they hold a divine right to all the money, all the power, and all the attention — in the same room together without creating the kind of atomic chain reaction that culminates in a ginormous smoking crater.

the only question is: what the fuck took so long?

here’s how it all went down. the Space Nazi had been shit-talking Donny’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ all week long.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it.”

which, by the way, was heartbreaking.

the Space Nazi has his own selfish reason for hating the bill: it would end government subsidies for electric vehicles — the very thing that makes his janky Swastikar business viable.

nonetheless, Elon violated the Prime Directive: there must be no criticism of Dear Leader — and so it was throw-down time!

“he’s upset. remember, he was here for a long time. you saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the oval desk … Elon and I had a great relationship. I don’t know if we will anymore.”

“the oval desk.” everything that Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of a two-year-old.

“hey Donny, what shape is your desk?”
“oval.”
“good boy Donny.”

here’s another thing the Mad King said during that q-and-a with reporters:

“I would have won Pennsylvania regardless of Elon…I’m very disappointed with Elon.”

and also:

“I don’t know what it is. It’s sort of Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess they call it. But we have it with others too. They leave and they wake up in the morning and the glamour is gone.”

and with that, it was go time! on with the battle of the paper-thin-skinned egos!

I mean, what’s even the point of having more money than god if you can’t throw a childish tantrum on your own Nazi-bar website?

“Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”

that was all Donny needed to launch into one of his favorite kinds of lies: one where he boasts that the person who quit their job, didn’t really quit — because it was actually Donny who shitcanned their unwelcome ass.

“Elon was ‘wearing thin,’ I asked him to leave, I took away his EV Mandate that forced everyone to buy Electric Cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY!”

Donny can’t even lie without slathering another lie right on top of it. there was never any “mandate” that “forced everyone to buy electric cars.” what the fuck is Donny even gibbering about?

that not-tweet was quickly followed up with this beaut.

“The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon’s Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn’t do it!”

fuck you, Space Nazi, for making me agree with Mad King Donny — because once again, hearbreaking.

this caused the Space Nazi to threaten to take his bat and ball and spaceships and go home.

“In light of the President’s statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately”

(spoiler alert: Elon’s already backed down from this threat.)

then it was time for the Space Nazi to go thermonuclear.

“Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”

that’s your ‘big bomb,’ Elon? tell us something we don’t already know.

nonetheless, how fucking awesome is it that Elon not-tweeted that to his 220 million followers?

next, Elon endorsed an Ian Miles Cheong not-tweet calling for Donny to be impeached and replaced with Couchfuck McGee.

JD spent the next six full hours running around his house, punching his fist in the air, and going ‘fuck yeah, President Vance,’ before finally, at 10:23pm, calming down enough to pretend to support his for-now boss.

“President Trump has done more than any person in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I’m proud to stand beside him.”

oh, look! Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts is calling for Elon to be deported.

Stephen K. Bannon, who has been one of the most vocal critics of Musk for months, said he is advising the president to cancel all of Musk’s contracts and launch several investigations into the world’s richest man.

“They should initiate a formal investigation of his immigration status because I am of the strong belief that he is an illegal alien, and he should be deported from the country immediately,” he said in a phone interview.

COULD EVERY ONE OF YOU ASS-CLOWNS PLEASE STOP BREAKING MY HEART?

natually, Elon reacted in the most Elon way possible.

let me remind you that these are all fully grown adults.

now let’s pour one out for MAGA. let’s keep the cultists in our thoughts and prayers as they navigate this difficult moment.

nah, fuck it. let’s just laugh at their confusion and despair over mommy and daddy fighting.

imagine the frayed, sparking wires inside every MAGA head right now as they watch the two dipshits they worship the most tear each other apart.

for Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, it’s just a thrill to watch the most manliest men ever go at it in the most manliest way possible.

“Some of y’all cant handle 2 high agency males going at it and it really shows This is direct communication (phallocentric) vs indirect communication (gynocentric) I understand you aren’t used to it”

can’t handle it? bro, we’re overdosing on schadenfreude here. we’re about to deplete America’s Strategic Reserve of Microwave Popcorn.

perennial election-loser and Republican found object Joey Mannarino is another honcho who just can’t believe his good luck in getting to watch the Battle of The Biggest Balls Ever.

“Trump and Elon aren’t attacking one another in a way that won’t be fixed. People forget how men with testicles spar. You’re watching two people with balls the size of the moon debate an issue. This is what masculinity look like.”

jesus, Joey — go take a cold shower.

the cognitive dissonance in the MAGAsphere is off the charts. Dinesh D’ipshit wants so much for all this to just be some kind of ten-dimensional kabuki between Donny and the Space Nazi that somehow ends up with … Democrats in prison?

Is this some sort of perverse scheme to force the release of the Epstein files? How great it would be to have a horde of bad guys publicly exposed. Then Trump and Elon break out the champagne. Elon says, ‘Told you I could get Democrats to scream for that list.’ Laughter!”

go home, Dinesh, you’re drunk.

one immediate result of all this childish fighting is that the Space Nazi lost billions of dollars as shares in his companies plummeted.

Tesla’s shares dropped by about 14.2% on Thursday at market close, wiping roughly $152bn off the value of the company as a feud between Elon Musk and Donald Trump erupted into public view. The former political allies traded threats and insults through posts on their respective social media platforms throughout the afternoon as the company’s price fell.

oh man, you just hate to see it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love to see it.

Elon is just the latest in a long line of arrogant, delusional hubris-monkeys who thought they would be the one who could finally control Donny, and make him dance to their tune. we’ve seen this play out over and over. that shit only works for a short time. sooner or later, it all goes sideways. Donny is too erratic and too literally out of his fucking mind to be corralled.

everything Donny touches, dies.

now let’s celebrate the memesters.

and let’s give the final word to Gianmarco Soresi, because this not-tweet wins the entire internet, forever.

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Too Good Not To Pass On

From All Hat No Cattle:

Elon Musk Drops Nuke on Trump: He’s ‘In the Epstein Files’

Musk and Trump both pulled no punches on Thursday in launching scathing attacks on one another as their very public breakup escalated.

This messy Trump-Musk breakup is truly the gayest thing about pride month. – Josh Sorbe

The World Is A Safer Place Without Trump

Why couldn’t these two f**king losers have started this sh*t back in October. – JoJoFromJerz

The funniest possible outcome is definitely Trump deporting him. – Franklin Leonard

Wow.
 
This is turning into an all out war in MAGA land. 
 
For the record, the GOP Tax Scam has been correctly characterized as a disgusting abomination. – Hakeem Jeffries

Trump Really Thinks Like A Nazi

A meeting between President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Frederich Merz took a bizarre turn…“May I remind you that we are having June 6 tomorrow,” Merz said while speaking about Ukraine’s bloody war against Russia on Thursday. “This is D-Day anniversary, when the Americans once ended a war in Europe.”

The entire world looks at the US now and just laughs.
 
No wonder no one wants to make trade deals with us anymore. – Alex Cole

Musk Wants To Start His Own, Err, A New Political Party
Billionaire Elon Musk seemed to suggest support of a third political party as he escalated a growing fight with President Trump that boiled over Thursday.
“Is it time to create a new political party in America that actually represents the 80% in the middle,” Musk wrote in a post on social platform X to his more than 200 million followers on the site, which he owns.

I assure you had we elected Kamala Harris we would not be sitting here witnessing  the president of the United States fighting with one of the most well-known CEOs of the world, as healthcare for millions is on the line. – Victor Shi

Rock The Voter News

The big beautiful bill led to the big beautiful breakup. – Aaron Parnas

At least this isn’t embarrassing for America. – Douglas A. Boneparth

If Trump and Musk break up, who gets custody of Scott Jennings? – JoJoFromJerz
It’s just awful when you buy a guy a perfectly good election, and he won’t even do whatever you want. – Justin Wolfers
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Thursday Madness

pinch me, I’m dreaming.

Comer Fudd — the banjo kid from Deliverance who somehow grew up to chair the House Oversight Committee — is at it again.

Congress’ rake-steppingest glutton for punishment is fucking livid right now.

Joe Biden is old? why didn’t anyone tell me that Joe Biden is old? this does not happen on my watch. we’re gonna git to the bottom of this.

“at the end of the day, we may demand that he had to come in and uh answer questions. and uh they could refuse to do that. so I’m gonna announce on your show tonight that he will receive a subpoena tomorrow, Dr. O’Connor will be the first person to receive an official subpoena. we’re serious about these people coming in, so now he’s gonna hafta come in and do a full-blown deposition as opposed to a transcribed interview.”

ooooooh, an official subpoena. so much scarier than an unofficial subpoena.

oh my god, this ass-clown is really going to go there. he’s going to try to blow up an 82-year-old former president’s cancer diagnosis into a scandal.

here’s what I say: go ahead. make our day.

here we go again. for four years, Comer Fudd and his partner in idiocy, the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach Jim Jordan, wasted the entire country’s time on an endless series of hearings into the imaginary crimes of Joe Biden — and the only thing the Jimmies ever really proved was that Hunter Biden is the owner of a freakishly ginormous trouser snake.

so now, Comer Fudd’s going to drag Joe Biden’s doctor, Kevin O’Connor, into some interrogation room, shine the brights lights on him, and give him the third degree.

out with it, pal. how old is Joe Biden? how old? HOW OLD???

for fuck’s sake, there’s no scandal here. Joe Biden developed a rare, fast-growing, aggressive cancer. it happens. it’s a tragedy, not a scandal.

let’s assume, however, for the sake of argument, that the diaper-fillers and the finger-pointers are correct — that Joe Biden developed this cancer during his presidency and kept it a secret. somebody please explain how it’s a scandal. explain it to me like I’m five years old, because I’m just not getting it. so fucking what? did it change the course of history? absolutely not.Biden dropped out of the race, and the Democrats lost the presidency, the House and the Senate.

you’d think that literally winning everything would be enough for these fuckface shitweasels — but no, it’s not enough. they have to kick Joe Biden when he’s down — because they’re psychopaths, and, as always, cruelty is the point.

look, you creeps — you want a realscandal to investigate? here you go: there is a president right now in the Oval Office whose brain has quite obviously gone fuckity-bye. we know jack shit about his health.we’ve never ever seen one actual medical report on the overweight 78-year-old who never exercises, lives on a diet of junk food, and brags about being able to point to the drawing of a camel.

how about someone subpoena Mad King Donny’s doctor and ask him how an allegedly blown-to-bits ear magically grows back with no scarring in less than a week’s time. I’d really fucking love to know how that’s possible.

Comer Fudd is hoping to depose Dr. O’Connor behind closed doors, because then he can lie about what was said, just as he did over and over during his farcical attempts to impeach Biden.

but I’m hoping that a closed-door session doesn’t satisfy Comer. I’m rooting for Comer to announce public hearings, because the country could really use a good laugh right now.

we need a round of good-old clownfucktacular hearings like we had all through Biden’s presidency, where an unprepared Comer got repeatedly dick-punched by Democrats like Jasmine Crockett and Jared Moskowitz.

let’s saunter down memory lane. remember this, from September 2023?

“but when we start talking about things that look like evidence, they want to act like they blind. they don’t know what this is. these are our national secrets, looks like in the shitter to me. this looks like more evidence of our national secrets, on a stage at Mar-a-Lago. … I could go on, but he’s got 91 counts pending right now. but I will tell you what President Biden has been guilty of: loving his child unconditionally, and that is the only evidence that they have brought forward, and honestly, I hope and pray that my parents love me half as much as he loves his child. until they find some evidence, we need to get back to the peoples’ work, which means keeping this government open so that people don’t go hungry in the streets of the United States, and I will yield.”

or how about this, from March 2024

Moskowitz: “I just think we should do it today. let’s just call for it. I’ll make the motion, Mr. Chairman, I want to help you out. you can second it, right? I make the motion to impeach President Biden. go ahead. your turn. you can second it.”
Comer: “gggyyyy”
Moskowitz: “no. nothing. ok, we got nothing. so, with my last couple of minutes, I want to show the American people that they’re never going to impeach Joe Biden. it’s never going to happen. because they don’t have the evidence. ok? this is a show. it’s all fake.”

“no evidence” — that’s why Comer Fudd always came out of those dog-and-pony shows looking like a damned fool. he never had any evidence. just a feeling that Joe Biden is guilty of crimes because of course Joe Biden is guilty of crimes.no, Jimmy, that’s not how it works. that’s not how any of this works. if you make an accusation, you back it up with evidence.

and now, Comer’s going to make all those same mistakes all over again. because once again, he has no evidence that Joe Biden covered up his cancer diagnosis. just feelings.

come on, Comer. hold some hearings. you know you want to.

and now, in related — but no less stupid — news, look at this supreme bit of fucknuttery.

In an executive order, Mr. Trump put the power and resources of the federal government to work examining whether some of Mr. Biden’s presidential actions were legally invalid because his aides had enacted those policies without his knowledge.

Donny is hella mad about all the preemptive pardons that Biden issued to Donny’s enemies, because now he can’t go after General Milley or Dr. Fauci for their imaginary crimes. so Donny’s convinced himself that all those pardons are invalid because Biden didn’t actually sign them himself.

yeah, no. there’s no ahem evidence that Biden’s aides pulled any of that kind of shit, but so what? Donny doesn’t need evidence. like Comer Fudd, Donny has feelings.

there’s no evidence that Joe Biden was executed in 2020 and replaced by a robot, but that didn’t stop Donny from posting exactly that on his failing app

so, let’s recap. the current entity pretending to be Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancer. and, on top of that, the BidenBot5000™ is so demented that his handlers were able to sign documents without his knowledge.

does Donny ever listen to any of the crap that oozes out of his rancid anus-mouth?

by the way, here’s a fact check. presidential pardons don’t need to be signed. there’s nothing in the Constitution that requires it. this whole fucking obsession of Donny’s is just one more waste of everyone’s time.

all this batshittery is ludicrous, but it serves a purpose. it functions as a distraction, meant to take the public’s eye off the ‘big beautiful bill’ that guts Medicaid in order to hand our oligarch overlords another round of extravagant tax cuts.

it’s also a distraction from Donny’s own absymal failings as a president, and a human being.

hey, is anyone in the mood for a taco right now?

Posted on

Truth

And the other half is because MSM reporters are nothing more than a stenography pool, blindly regurgitating whatever Mango Mussolini or his minions spew out.

Posted on

Tuesday Madness

it’s a well-known fact that expertise is not the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns’ strong suit. pretty much the whole worthless lot of them are low-voltage ignoramuses who don’t know shit about shit.

look no further than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. he doesn’t know how germs work. the Director of Homeland Security doesn’t know how human rights work. the Defense Secretary doesn’t know how sobriety works. neither does the Attorney for the District of Columbia.

how about the imbecile who rules them all? Dear Leader hasn’t a clue how not being a ginormous fuckwad works.

so none of us should be surprised that, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, Donny’s new head of FEMA was all ‘hurri-what now?’

Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.

The remark was made during a briefing by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May.

hurricane season, David. how do you not know about hurricane season? look, bro, let me explain. every year, starting in June and continuing through November, conditions in the Caribbean— holy shit, David, did your eyes glaze over already? what the fuck?

where does Donny find these people?

the obvious guess would be Fox News — but I’m looking at Richardson’s bio page at FEMA.com and he’s not from Fox. another fun fact gleaned from David’s bio is that he’s a combat veteran and an expert in dealing with WMDs — which is pretty fucking cool, but not a qualification to head FEMA. in fact, there’s nothing in his resume about emergency management, which — spoiler alert — is what the E and the M in FEMA stand for.

look, I know that Mad King Donny hates FEMA and wants to kill it — and the best way to do that is hire some unqualified toady to mismanage the shit out of the joint — but how did this guy somehow not even hear about hurricane season by accident?

it’s fucking impressive that David Richardson has apparently gone his whole life without walking past a TV, hearing the words ‘hurricane season,’ and having it sink into his dome by osmosis.

Richardson now claims he was just joshing. yeah, right. that’s the standard Sewer Clown dodge whenever one of them gets caught committing a stupid. come one, it was all a big joke. where’s your sense of humor?

fact check: the ignorance. it burns.

while we’re on the subject of not knowing, White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett apparently doesn’t understand how the passage of time works.

George Stephanopoulos: “when will we see an actual trade agreement? will we see any this week?”

Hassett: “I expected we were probably going to see one perhaps as early as last week.”

very nice Jedi mind trick there from Kevin Hassett. when asked if something will happen this week, Kevin makes a bold prediction about what will happen last week — and then gets it wrong.

beautiful stuff. peak Sewer Clown.

fact check: on April 12, Mad King Donny announced that he would be making “90 deals in 90 days.” fifty-two days have passed since then. we have yet to see one deal.

Kasie Hunt: “did you ever witness Elon Musk under the influence of drugs?”

Hassett: “not in a million years. he’s a person who is so filled with joy that it’s just a natural way that he is.”

oh, please. check out the Space Nazi’s behavior during his fake-farewell press conference last Friday.

fact check: he’s zonked out of his fucking mind.

oh yeah. that’s natural. no drug use at all, uh huh. clearly, the guy is just high on life.

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

does House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson understand how not lying works?

Kristen Welker: “if the big beautiful bill does add to the debt, will Trump own it?”

Holy Mike: “it’s not gonna add to the debt.”

Welker: “experts say this will add trillions to the deficit. can you really guarantee this will not add one penny of debt?”

Holy Mike: “I’m telling you this is going to reduce the deficit.”

fact check: the ‘big beautiful bill’ is going to explode the deficit.

Six Nobel laureate economists said a massive budget bill passed by House lawmakers last month and backed by President Trump would weaken key safety-net programs while greatly lifting the federal debt.

The tax and spending package, which Republicans have dubbed the “one big beautiful bill,” would hurt millions of Americans by slashing Medicaid and food stamps, the economists wrote in a June 2 letter on behalf of the Economic Policy Institute, a left-leaning think tank.

gee, who to believe — six Nobel laureates or the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel? it’s a goddamned conundrum.

I have a question: isn’t Holy Mike supposed to be a big proponent of the Bible?

I’m no Biblical scholar, but I seem to recall that the Good Book has this whole section in it with all these thou shalt nots — and I’m pretty sure one of the bigger shalt nots is ‘lie your fucking face off.’ I get the general sense that the Bible frowns on that kind of shit.

oh wait, maybe Holy Mike isn’t lying. perhaps he’s just a person who is so filled with joy that he’s just naturally optimistic.

yeah, that’s it.

here’s your hero of the day: actor Nick Offerman, probably best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation.

June is Pride Month — so of course the worst people in the world are rage-loading their diapers over ThE gAyS refusing to remain in the closet.

when Mike Flynn Jr — the Don Jr of the treasonous Flynn clan — tried to hijack a Ron Swanson meme and use it to broadcast his own rampant homophobia, here’s how Nick ripped him a new one.

“Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride”

fact check: true.

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Monday Madness

that’s a doozie of a headline, isn’t it? I promise, we’re going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny’s Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.

you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.

I know, right? that’s the entire world’s problem, not just Tulsi’s — but here’s how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi’s ability to do her job: she can’t get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she’s been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.

President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.

how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that’s how far down the fucking rabbit hole we’ve fallen.

obviously, ‘making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information’is not a new problem. all during the Mad King’s first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they’d be all look, Donny! it’s a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?

imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?

here’s the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny’s brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.

on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he’s all get that thing away from me, for fuck’s sake, I’m watching myself on TV.

Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.

now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she’s come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:

One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.

I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.

our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they’d send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year’s Eve.

a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.

so let’s go all-in. let’s turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we’re almost there, right?

but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?

think of all the money that would be saved. now that’s efficiency in government!

perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny’s intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it’s too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.

(hey, I told you we’d be getting to the headline.)

look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.

There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.

nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.

let’s consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.

according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he’s been doing this, he’s been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?

now, let’s slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.

and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn’t feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it’s a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.

“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”

to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.

ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let’s get you to bed.

here’s another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.

Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.

but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don’t. so you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you’re going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.

at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it’s a loser’s game. the only winning move is not to play.

buckle in, it’s only Monday. this is going to be a long week.

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All Boxes Checked

Key characteristics of a narcissistic sociopath:

Narcissistic traits:

Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement.

Need for admiration: Constantly seeking attention and praise.

Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.

Sociopathic traits:

Disregard for rules and laws: They may be indifferent to the consequences of their actions.

Manipulative behavior: They may lie, cheat, and exploit others for their own gain.

Lack of remorse: They may not feel guilt or regret for hurting others.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: sticker shock

folks, pour one out for hack scribbler Chris Cillizza. keep him in all your thoughts and prayers. Chris is going through some serious shit right now.

here’s how this tragedy went down: Chris drove two whole hours to watch his son play in a soccer tournament in Richmond, Virginia — and when the match was over and he returned to the parking lot, he found that his precious Tesla had been vandalized.

oh my god, that’s terrible. what did they do? did they set the car on fire? did they spray paint obscenities all over it?

no, it’s worse than that — so much worse. what this terrorist did was scotch-tape a piece of paper to Chris’ bumper.

oh noes! but wait. that doesn’t look like the bumper of a car.

of course it isn’t. Chris popped that sucker right off, took it into his house and snapped a pic of it.

so there was no damage?

well, Chris got his fee-fees completely hurted. that’s not nothing. look, why are you being such an insensitive prick about the living nightmare that Chris had to go through?

sorry. tell me what happened next.

I’ll tell you exactly what happened next. Chris was all this aggression will not stand, man —

— and he wrote a really bitchy post about it for the Daily Beast.

wait — you’re telling me that instead of crumpling up the paper, tossing it away and getting on with his life, Chris Cillizza opted instead to punch himself in the dick by writing a thousand-word screed and calling attention to what a whiny dipshit he is? because the entire fucking internet is mocking him now.

yeah, that’s pretty much it.

I hope no one ever leaves a flyer for a pizzeria on Chris’ windshield. I’m not sure he could handle that much tragedy.

tuesday: what rhymes with crapper

Jake Tapper’s relentless promotion of his Biden hit-job continues. look at the self-satisfied glee with which he delivers the line he no doubt practiced in the mirror for hours.

“it is a scandal. it is without question — and maybe even worse than Watergate in some ways, because Richard Nixon was in control of his faculties when he wasn’t drinking.”

first of all: fuck off, Jake.

second of all: fuck all the way off, Jake.

no, the alleged cover-up of an allegedly impaired president is notworse than Richard Nixon sending a band of thugs to break into Democratic National Headquarters to steal everything that wasn’t nailed down. how fucking dare you smirk while these imbecilic words leak out of your face-hole.

hey, let’s fast forward to the end of the week, because we could all use a little schadenfreude right now. oh look — Tapper’s book is an embarrassing failure.

Biden’s book, “Original Sin,” with Alex Thompson has had more publicity than any book of recent memory thanks to CNN’s collaboration. But now come the disappointing sales. 53,737 print units sold, per Circana BookScan for the first week.

By comparison: Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump in the White House” sold 1.1 million copies in its first week.

ohhh. too bad, so sad, Jake. sucks to be you. here, have some tiny violin.

for the rest of us, it’s Snoopy dance!

wednesday: dare to be an idiot

hey, remember last year, when Vivek Ramaswamy was a thing for about fifteen minutes, and then everyone was all yeah, fuck no and quickly forgot all about him?

well, Vivek’s back, baby — and he’s got the solution to our national debt. check out this brilliant idea: the whole fucking thing would disappear in a heartbeat if everybody would just choose to be a billionaire!

“we’re going to have to have the courage to take on independence from the federal entitlement state. that’s what we actually need to be talking about, and I personally believe that everything else ends up being a distraction of dealing with this national debt issue. as the question of how are we going to start with a generation of Americans who hopefully become so wealthythat they don’t need the federal entitlement state.”

everyone should just become a billionaire! it’s that fucking easy.it’s a solution so obvious, I can’t believe no one ever thought of it before now. just choose to be rich! and you don’t even have to think up a new way to do it. just do what Vivek did, and enrich yourself through fraud and stock manipulation.

look, I have a simpler solution: why don’t we just grind up half the poors and feed them to the other poors?

if it was good enough for Jonathan Swift, then it’s good enough for America.

thursday: we’re all going to whaaaaat?

Iowa Senator and pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst held a town hall this week — and like so many Republicans, she encountered a buzzsaw of angry voters demanding to know why social programs were being gutted so that gazillionaires could get another round of tax cuts.

unlike others in the GOP, however, Joni maintained her cool. after she told a bunch of lies about how the real problem is “illegals” receiving Medicaid benefits (fact check: they don’t, because they can’t), the crowd started shouting “PEOPLE WILL DIE.”

no biggie, countered Joni, because—

“well, we all are going to die.”

wait, what? why am I just hearing about this now?

my my, aren’t we fucking philosophical, Joni.

of course, some of us will die in bed, surrounded by our loved ones, and some of us will die face down in the gutter because we can’t afford medical care — but does any of that really matter? because in the end, we’re all just expired meat, right?

it’s a wise old saying: elect a bunch of psychopath clowns, get a psychopath circus.

do you think that’s what Joni said to those hogs, as she was lopping off their balls? ‘don’t worry about this, we’re all going to die.’

friday: ugh, this fucking guy

why the hell would any of our worthless scribblers bother asking the doughy pantload in the Oval Office to comment on Joe Biden’s cancer diagnosis? yet, that’s exactly what someone did — and Little Donny Fuckface did not disappoint.

“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”

oh. my. fucking. god. stay classy, you malodorous piece of shit.

at the risk of repeating myself for the umpteenth time, the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.

imagine that any Democrat said they didn’t feel sorry for a cancer-stricken Republican. it would be the immediate end to their political career — but for Donny, it’s just another Friday. not a single mention in The New York Times. ditto the Washington Post.

hey, Jake Tapper, any interest in writing a book on the hideous pile of dung currently befouling the White House?

awesome job, Jake.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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Thursday Madness – Sanctus Cacas!

if ever there were a holy shit moment, we got one last night, when the three judges on the U.S. Court of International Trade were all ‘Taco Donny, put an end to this tariff bullshit right fucking now.’

I know, right? I’m shocked, too.

no, really — even Paul Krugman was all holy shit.

I googled it, Paul. in Latin, it’s ‘sanctus cacas.’

the court cockblocked Donny for a simple reason: presidents cannot levy taxes (which is what tariffs are, duh) — that’s the job of Congress.

it’s right there in that pesky little thing we call the Constitution.

Article I, Section 8 says that “The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes …” Article I, Section 7 says that “All bills for raising [tax] revenue shall originate in the House of Representatives …”

Donny had been imposing his incoherent tariffs through a farcical misreading of a 1977 law that allows presidents to ‘regulate commerce’ during ‘national emergencies.’

to be fair, ‘the president is a fuckwit fueled by stupidity and spite’ is in fact a genuine national emergency — but not the kind that would allow Donny to ‘regulate commerce.’

so the Trade Court made the only logical move, which was to tell Dear Leader to piss straight up a rope.

of course, this whole episode should never have ended up in court. Congress could have ended all this trade war fuckery in a heartbeat — because Donny never had the authority to impose tariffs in the first place. Donny glommed that power illegally — and because no Republican wanted to stand up to Donny, and risk making the Boy King mad, they let him get away with it.

in fact, Congress has blocked every Democratic effort to restore sanity to American trade policy.

I have a question: how many Congressional Republicans made a fortune from trading off of Donny’s tariff incoherence?

Congresswoman Sporkfoot, might you have any idea?

crickets. I thought so.

this is the exact same bullshit we went through with Donny’s unconstitutional executive orders. EOs are not laws of the land — but they got treated as such, because Republicans just stood around with their hands in their pockets, and did fuck-all to stop it.

same deal with kidnapping migrants off the street and disappearing them into foreign slave-labor gulags, which Donny based off a farcical misreading of the Alien Enemies Act.

it took a court to put an end to Donny’s unconstitutional EOs. it took a court to put an end to (some) unconstitutional kidnappings — and now it’s a court that’s blocked Donny’s unconstitutional tariffs.

all because Congressional Republicans are fucking cowards who don’t want to rock the boat.

the Trade Court has given Donny ten days to comply. there’s no doubt that Donny will go blubbering all the way to the Supreme Court about it.

there’s also no doubt there’s a Category Five ketchupnado going on in the White House right now, but Nosferatu McGoebbels must have hidden Dear Leader’s phone — because as I’m sitting here writing this at 8am on Thursday morning, there’s nothing at all about tariffs on Donny’s Truth Social feed.

sanctus cacas!

all around, it was not a good day for Taco Donny. he found out about his new nickname in the most clownfuckingly hilarious way possible: from a reporter.

reporter: “Wall Street analysts have coined a new term called the ‘TACO trade.’ they’re saying Trump always chickens out on tariff threats, and that’s why markets are higher this week. what’s your response to that?”

Donny: “I kick out?”

reporter: “chicken out.”

Donny then launches into a two-minute-long whiny tirade during which he brags about all of his imaginary accomplishments, insists that changing his mind every other day is actually a strength, and culminates in—

“but don’t ever say what you said. that’s a nasty question. to me, that’s the nastiest question.”

oh noes, Dear Leader heard a nasty question. the horror.

boo fucking hoo. dry your eyes and grow the fuck up.

that Donny had to hear about his new nickname from a reporter is indicative of the fact-free bubble Donny lives in. his handlers have to keep him in the dark about every fucking thing, because they know the thin-skinned bastard can’t handle reality. that’s why, when four soldiers were killed in a training mission in March, he was all huh, what when asked about it by reporters. same deal with Signalgate. when reporters asked him about that, he didn’t even know what a group chat was.

don’t nobody upset the Boy King.

so of course no one in the White House was going to tell Donny that Wall Street is mocking the shit out of him. no one wants a ketchup bottle whipped at their head.

and because the internet never disappoints, I give you —


sanctus cacas!

a couple of days ago I joked that Donny thinks he’s on a mission from God.

at least, I thought I was joking. it turns out I wasn’t. here’s a thing our batshit president actually posted yesterday on his crappy app.

sanctus cacas!

get a grip, you delusional asshole.

here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Seward, Nebraska.

at a town hall in Seward, Republican Rep Mike Flood was bullshitting his way through a justification of cutting social programs, when the crowd grew tired of being lied to and drowned him out with a chant of “tax the rich!”

sanctus cacas!

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Mid Week Madness

the Oxford English Dictionary — the go-to for all things wordtastic — defines diplomacy as ‘the profession, activity, or skill of managing international relations, typically by a country’s representatives abroad.’

the key words in that definition are ‘profession’ and ‘skill.’

sane countries chose their diplomats from a body of skilled professionals who have made it their life’s work to know how to say exactly the right thing, in any situation — because it makes no sense for a country to have hothead fuckwits mucking about, barking out crazy shit and blundering into wars.

that’s why it’s always super fucking hilarious to watch Mad King Donny conduct high-level foreign policy by the seat of his pants while melting all the way down on his crappy app.

“What Vladimir Putin doesn’t realize is that if it weren’t for me, lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia, and I mean REALLY BAD. He’s playing with fire!”

is there any other country on the planet whose chief executive’s social media is a 24/7 firehose of petty grievances?

spoiler alert: the answer is no, because it’s just fucking insane.

I cannot stress this enough: Mad King Donny should not be conducting foreign policy via a series of colicky rage-posts. it accomplishes nothing, and it’s just embarrassing. the world is laughing at us.

can someone please take away Dear Leader’s phone?

but let’s look at what Donny’s saying: ‘if it weren’t for me, lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia, and I mean REALLY BAD.’

excuse me, but what ‘REALLY BAD things’ has Donny personally kept from happening to Russia? who the fuck does Donny imagine he’s working for? last time I looked, Donny’s title was President of the United States, not Protectorate of Russia.

I’m so old, I remember when American presidents looked out for the interests of their own country — not those of our adversaries.

Donny’s having the saddest of saddy-sad sads right now because — after twelve years spent sucking up to Putin in a pathetic effort to be his bestie —

it’s finally dawning on this dilapidated old dotard that Vlad is never going to be his friend. Putin’s been playing Donny like a fiddle since day one.

remember how Donny campaigned on the ludicrous boast that he would end Russia’s war on Ukraine in one day? well, here we are, 128 days later — and guess what: Putin’s war rages on, with no end in sight.

Putin’s an expansionist. his goal is to rebuild the Tsarist Russian Empire of the 19th Century. it’s a goal that includes annexing Ukraine.

but here comes Mad King Donny, the delusional dipshit who imagines he’s The Greatest Deal Maker of All Time. he’s gonna fix everything. he’s gonna solve all this war shit by flattering Putin, and remind him what great pals they are — and maybe even throw in the promise of a golden tower in Moscow.

but none of that laughable bullshit’s worked, so now Donny’s gonna try threats — by telling Putin he’s “playing with fire.” oh joy, one nuclear power telling another that they’re ‘playing with fire.’ what could go wrong?

tell me, Donny, does this look like a guy who gives one fuck about your threats?

Putin’s laughing at Donny. all of Russia is laughing at Donny. for fuck’s sake, even Russia’s official state media is laughing at Donny. look what Russia Today posted to their not-twitter account.

President Trump warns Moscow, claiming Russia avoided ‘REALLY BAD’ consequences only thanks to him ‘Putin doesn’t realize… he’s playing with fire!’ — Trump’s message leaves little room for misinterpretation. Until he posts the opposite tomorrow morning.”

does Russia have Mad King Donny’s number, or what? they know he’s an erratic dope who can be depended on to contradict himself the very next day — and they’re taunting him about it, right to his face.

hey, remember when Donny said this about Putin in 2016?

“I don’t know anything about him other than he will respect me.”

yeah, I don’t think so.

Donny is all ‘come on, Vlad, you owe me one’ — and Russian state media is all ‘die mad, you salty bitch.’

no one respects Donny.

“I told Canada, which very much wants to be part of our fabulous Golden Dome System, that it will cost $61 Billion Dollars if they remain a separate, but unequal, Nation, but will cost ZERO DOLLARS if they become our cherished 51st State. They are considering the offer!”

I have a question for President Dumb-Ass: is Canada in the room with us right now?

Golden Dome, to catch you up, is Donny’s expensive, unworkable fantasy to protect America from the threat of missile attacks — but it’s basically just a scam to shovel billions of dollars into the Space Nazi’s pockets.

Golden Dome is based on Israel’s Iron Dome defense system — but because Donny is a fucking child, everything always has to made of gold.

so here’s Donny, claiming that he’s been talking to ‘Canada,’ and that they’re ‘interested’ in become our 51st state, so they can get in on some of that sweet golden domey goodness.

I guarantee that none of that is true. Donny didn’t ‘talk to Canada.’ Canada isn’t ‘interested.’ Donny’s just making shit up.

once again, the president of the United States is typing fever-swamp hallucinations into his phone, and farting them out into the world. why? to accomplish what? does Donny imagine that Mark Carney is going see Donny’s not-tweet, and go ‘oh yeah, I guess we should become America’s hat’?

Donny is living a dream world. Canada does not want to be our hat — and the promise of an expensive, unworkable, pie-in-the-literal-sky defense system that will never be built isn’t going to change that.

it’s bad enough for Canada that they find themselves living above a meth lab. they don’t want to become part of that shit.

oh look, it’s not just Russia who has no respect for Mad King Donny. Wall Street is mocking the shit out of Dear Leader, too.

that four letter code word is TACO. here’s what it stands for:

Trump Always Chickens Out.

It refers to the president’s tendency to announce massive tariffs, causing the markets to plunge, only to back off days later, causing them to rise again.

TACO is now an official investment strategy.

Ted Jenkin, president of Exit Stage Left Advisors, told the New York Post there’s now a simple strategy on Wall Street based on those shifts.

“Once he delivers bad news, investors are buying those stocks when they are beaten down waiting for him to chicken out and watching those stocks rebound in value,” he explained.

so now, even Wall Street is laughing at the Mad King — and enriching themselves at the same time.

heck of a job, Donny.