Category: 2025

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'Off With Bruce Springsteen's Head!' Cries Mad King Donny

From Jeff Tiedrich:

'off with Bruce Springsteen's head!' cries Mad King Donny

it's day two of this nonsense as President Rage-Baby will not stop whining

it's 12:45am on a Sunday night. Mad King Donny is pacing the halls of the White House. what remains of his decaying mind is too obsessed to sleep.

"HOW MUCH DID KAMALA HARRIS PAY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FOR HIS POOR PERFORMANCE DURING HER CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT? WHY DID HE ACCEPT THAT MONEY IF HE IS SUCH A FAN OF HERS? ISN'T THAT A MAJOR AND ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION? WHAT ABOUT BEYONCÉ? …AND HOW MUCH WENT TO OPRAH, AND BONO??? I am going to call for a major investigation into this matter. Candidates aren't allowed to pay for ENDORSEMENTS, which is what Kamala did, under the guise of paying for entertainment. In addition, this was a very expensive and desperate effort to artificially build up her sparse crowds. IT'S NOT LEGAL! For these unpatriotic "entertainers," this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system. Thank you for your attention to this matter!!!"

oh great. United States President Grievance J. Fuckbrain is up in the middle of the night, making wild accusations and calling for investigations.

for the record, there is no evidence whatsoever that the Harris campaign paid for endorsements from Springsteen, Beyoncé, Oprah or Bono. it's just one of those things that Donny knows is true,because the barking noises in Donny's head tell him it's true.

so unfair! there can only be one reason why major stars flocked to Kamala's side, while Donny had to make do with washed-up never-weres like No Longer A Kid Rock: it's because crimey crimes were being crimed!

and so it's off with all their fucking heads.

because nothing says efficiency in government so much as getting Pam Bondi and Krazee Eyes Kash and the entire Department of What Used To Be Justice involved in a pointless series of witch hunts, all to soothe the bruised ego of an unquenchable rageaholic.

hey, maybe Donny can get Comer Fudd and that other jackass — the shouty half-dressed degenerate wrestling coach — to hold some congressional hearings. yeah, that'll be a good use of everybody's time.

government of the grievance-babies, by the grievance-babies, and for the grievance-babies. what could go wrong?

by the way, here's the reason Donny was losing his shit in the middle of the night: Bruce Springsteen will not stop calling him a tyrant.

The Boss reinforced his remarks about President Donald Trump at the E Street Band's May 17 show at the Co-op Live in Manchester, England − a line of criticism that previously prompted Trump to call Springsteen a "dried out prune."

"My home America, the America I've written about that has been a beacon of hope and liberty for 250 years, is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent and treasonous administration," said Springsteen to cheers as he took the stage, echoing what he said at the tour's opening show on May 14 at the same venue.

delicious.

do bear in mind: every accusation to ooze out of Donny's rancid anus-mouth is actually a confession — so Donny screaming about crimey crimes being crimed is all the proof you need that his own campaign was paying Kid Rock to make all those discordant bleats that were somehow supposed to pass for music.

Scott Bessent, the gazillionaire Treasury Secretary who will be absolutely fine no matter how badly Preznit Fuckwit crashes our economy, has a message for America's small businesses: enjoy your shit sandwich.

Jake Tapper: "the one thing I hear from almost every small business owner is the uncertainty. they don't know how to plan for the future because they have no idea what's gonna come."

Scott Bessent: 'strategic uncertainty is a negotiating tactic.'

I have a question: does Scott Bessent actually believe this nonsense, or is he making the best of a situation where his boss is a stark barking lunatic who changes his mind about tariffs as often as he changes his diaper?

here's the thing about uncertainty: it fucking sucks. markets hate it. businesses hate it. consumers hate it. uncertainty makes it impossible to plan for the future. uncertainty benefits nobody — and uncertainty is a negotiating tactic only if you're a madman.

have you ever heard of this thing called the Madman Theory of Geopolitics?

it dates from the time when Richard Nixon was president, and it went like this: Tricky Dick's foreign policy stooges would ring up their commie adversaries and go 'look, our president is fucking nuts. we can't control him. he'll nuke you in a hot second and not think twice about it, so maybe you ought to give him what he wants.'

I shit you not.

The madman theory is a political theory commonly associated with the foreign policy of U.S. president Richard Nixon and his administration, who tried to make the leaders of hostile communist bloc countries think Nixon was irrational and volatile so that they would avoid provoking the U.S. in fear of an unpredictable response.

spoiler alert: it didn't work. Nixon was a paranoid criminal, but he wasn't insane — and no one bought his act.

but oh, look: the Madman Theory isn't a theory any more. now we have an actual madman in the Oval Office, and we have lackies like Scott Bessent telling us to calm down, madmanning is good.

buckle the fuck in, the crazy around here is going up to eleven.

because we live in the shittiest possible timeline, Joe Biden has been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer.

Former President Joseph R. Biden Jr. was diagnosed on Friday with an aggressive form of prostate cancer that has spread to his bones, his office said in a statement on Sunday.

"While this represents a more aggressive form of the disease, the cancer appears to be hormone-sensitive which allows for effective management," according to the statement from Mr. Biden's office.

also because we live in the shittiest possible timeline, the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media are failing once again to meet the moment.

Extraordinary timing – according to his spokesman, Biden received this cancer diagnosis on Friday, the same day audio clips of his Robert Hur interview were all over the news"

are you fucking kidding me? you're going to play 'oh hmm, how convenient' games with a cancer diagnosis? read the room, asshole. now is not the time, or the place. do you know when would be a good time? never.

how about never, Brian? is never good for you?

oh, and Cokey McSniffles is cordially invited to go fuck himself to infinity and beyond.

What I want to know is how did Dr. Jill Biden miss stage five metastatic cancer or is this yet another coverup???"

true fact: absolutely no one will mourn Donald J. Shitnozzle Jr. when he makes his final exit. I fucking guarantee it.

let's show these disgraceful ghouls how it's done.

let's offer our best wishes to President Biden and his family. he's earned it.

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In A Perfect World…

…but not in this timeline-from-hell we find ourselves in. Still, good on them for not passing Felon45's wet dream budget.

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Because Dear Leader's Brain Is Swiss Cheese

'Most Transparent' White House In History Keeps Majority Of Trump's Remarks Secret

Because Dear Leader's brain is Swiss Cheese and he is making even less sense now than he did even a few months ago

The WH has not published a transcript in TWO MONTHS.

"You hide behind a tree and them drone comes downand it circles you with fire you don't have a chance. The tree comes down also by the way. It's so intense. I mean you see these trees being knocked down like …like they're being sawed down by a top of the line timberman…like like you know…who? Sean Duffy…the head of the transportation department who is work I g right now on the airports and getting a system…because Biden didn't do anything for 4 years and Pete…Pete Buttigieg was the head…and he goes bicycle to work"

That's your orange overlord folks

"We love France right? But I think we did a little more to win the war than France so we agree? You know I don't want to be a wise guy but when Hitler made his speech at the Eiffel Tower I would say that wasn't exactly ideal."

Hitler never gave a speech at the Eiffel Tower you orange hobgoblin.

[source]

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Thursday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

Donny Convict isn't a corrupt piece of shit, and other Republican fairy tales

and The New York Times gives Dear Leader another free pass

n today's episode of Bad Take Theater, we're going to hear two from worthless Republicans and one dipshit New York Times reporter as they concoct fever-swamp fantasies about why Donny Convict's blatant, in-your-face corruption isn't actually corruption.

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is the holder of the land speed record for Getting The Fuck Out of Here While Insurrectionists Are Insurrecting.

he's also one of Donny's chief apologists on Capitol Hill. his farcical explanation for why Dear Leader isn't corrupt boils down to 'what's Donny need money for? he's already got shitloads.'

Manu Raju: "what about this meme coin? when the price goes up, it helps his family."

Josh Hawley: "well, listen. I think nobody believes that Donald Trump can be bought. I mean, what does Donald Trump need more money for."

methinks Josh Hawley is trying to blow smoke up everyone's ass.

let me put this in words simple enough to penetrate even the cultists' thick skulls: Donny needs more money so he can win at having the most fucking money. it's called greed. having ALL the money is the point.

for Donny Convict, no amount of anything is ever enough. that's what being a profoundly damaged, bottomless swamp of need is all about.

there will never be sufficient money, power, or attention to fill the gaping hole where Donny's soul is supposed to be. he's fucking broken beyond repair — and now, the entire world must be made to suffer because of it.

let's explore Josh's ludicrous claim that 'nobody believes Donny can be bought.'

here, watch this: everybody who knows Donny Convict can be bought, please raise your hand.

oh look, there's the Emir of Qatar. he's got his their hand up. he know Donny can be bought. it's the whole reason he just handed him a vulgar flying bordello — and now Donny's going down his list of demands, and checking them off one by one.

over there is the Saudi royal family. hands up, all of them. they've been lining Donny's pockets for decades. they've been at the game so long that they already know Donny's price: a bag of greaseburgers.

look who else has his hand up: Ahmed al-Sharaa, the president of Syria. all he had to do get Donny to drop sanctions was dangle the mere possibility of a Trump Tower in Damascus.

and that's just in the last three days. so what the fuck are you gibbering about, Josh?

let's move on to the guy who has been voted Most Useless Republican for three years running.

Holy Mike Johnson's bad take is that corruption isn't corruption if it's done right out in the open.

reporter: "Mr. Speaker, you were very critical of President Biden and his family's foreign business dealings and supported impeachment hearings. are you equally concerned about President Trump's family's business dealings as well, especially due to the fact that he's in a region now where his family has billions of dollars of investments in Doha, and Saudi Arabia, and the fact that he has a crypto business now, where he's auctioned off access to the White House for the highest bidder?"

Holy Mike [after first lying about Biden and his family]: "whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. they're not trying to conceal anything."

fuck Holy Mike for expecting us to swallow his shit-sandwich.

here's where Mike's ridiculous assertion falls apart: for Donny, being openly corrupt is part of the game — because fuck you, that's why. getting right in your face and daring you to do something about it is what makes corruption fun.

Donny knows that he doesn't have to hide anything he does — because who's going to hold him accountable? Congress? fuhgetaboutit. the Department of Justice? oh please. Krazee Eyes Ka$h Patel and Pam Bondi were installed to facilitate Donny's crimes, not prosecute them. the Supreme Court? don't make me laugh. they're the shitwads who put the whole concept of I'm A Very Special Boy into Donny's head in the first place.

who knows, maybe Chuck Schumer's writing a strongly-worded letter. yeah, that'll do it.

here's something we have absolutely no fucking use for at all: a New York Times reporter explaining that corruption isn't corruption according to a definition of corruption that he just pulled out of his ass.

"Corruption requires explicit quid pro quo. It is not corrupt to take an action that aligns with the interest of a person who gives you a gift, unless the official action was in direct response to that gift–a bribe. Terms matter. Accuracy and fairness matters. Regardless of what social media wants."

got that? it's not corruption unless Ahmed al-Sharaa writes a note that says 'if I let you build a tower will you be my friend' and passes it to the world leader at the next desk.

here's why that definition fails:

Donny is a mob boss, and you're never going to catch him in the act, because he doesn't leave a paper trail.

that's how it works. all the dirty work is done with a nod and a wink. here's how Donny's former fixer, Michael Cohen, explained it during House testimony in 2019:

"He doesn't give you questions, he doesn't give you orders," Cohen said. "He speaks in a code, and I understand the code because I've been around him for a decade."

Donny's a two-bit gangster who learned his trade from two experts: his tyrant klansman father, and crooked lawyer Roy Cohn. here's what they taught him:

don't you ever fucking write anything down. that's how you get caught.

and so Donny doesn't write anything down. he doesn't use email, he doesn't text. he doesn't leave a trail for smug NY Times reporters to uncover. all he does is brag about imaginary wins on his janky app.

that's why we're in this shithole mess: we have far too many worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media willing to give a filthy, corrupt mobster a benefit of the doubt that he has never earned.

here's your hero of the day: Rep. Bennie Thompson. here's how he opened his questioning of ICE Barbie yesterday.

"Secretary Noem, I'm glad you found time among your many photo ops and costume changes to testify about why President Trump is seeking more taxpayer dollars and what you plan to do with that money, if you get it."

fuck yeah.

Donny's Sewer Clowns are unserious, unqualified people who have been given way too much power over our lives, and we must never stop mocking them, any way we can.

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Wednesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

Bone Saw Arabia buys big boy preznit his own happy meal

scenes from Donny's Middle East Griftapalooza

it's just so fucking embarrassing to watch Mad King Donny represent America on the world stage. he's monumentally stupid. he's crass and uncouth, and his rancid anus-mouth has no filter — at any moment, he's liable to blurt out random, inappropriate gibberish.

but above all, he's utterly unaware of just how easily manipulated he is. flatter him, hand him a few shiny baubles, and this bottomless pit of neediness becomes putty in your hands — and all We the People can do is cringe as we watch this buffoon being led around by his nose.

Donny was in Saudi Arabia yesterday — and look what the Saudis did for our Big Boy President.

that's right, Bone Saw Arabia built a custom-made rolling McDonalds for Donny — because god forbid this overgrown toddler endure an entire day without jamming a greasy wad of fat down his engorged gullet.

isn't that special?

As the Saudis work to impress Trump during his trip to Riyadh this week, they're focusing on even the smallest details—like his fondness for the Golden Arches—by setting up a custom-built mobile McDonald's truck designed to support the presidential visit and the throng of journalists in tow.

how mortifying is it that our president can be bought off for a few burgers?

last time Donny visited Bone Saw Arabia, in 2017, they got him involved in some weird-ass sword dance.

and they let him put his freakishly-undersized fists on a glowing orb.


but this time? here's your happy meal, fuckface. now give us what we want.

oh look, President Pudding Cup continues to prove he isn't up to the rigors of his job.

check out this sleepy baby. he's so plumb tuckered from his journey that he can barely keep his beady little eyes open.

wake up, Donny — Crown Prince Mohammad Bone Saw is talking.

let's gif that shit for posterity's sake.

this dilapidated fuckwit has now slept through cabinet meetings, campaign appearances, Pope Francis' funeral, his own inauguration — and his own criminal trial.

can someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a sippy-cup of warm milk, and tuck him into bed?

The 42-year-old Syrian leader has reportedly offered Mr Trump investment opportunities, including a Trump tower in Damascus.

now here's a thing that happened on Tuesday. tell me if you think they might be related.

BREAKING: Trump announced lifting of sanctions on Syria

what's America getting out of this arrangement? nothing, that's what. Donny's touring the Middle East so he can make personal deals to enrich himself, and the American public can go pound sand up their ass.

Donny's in Qatar today, and we all know how they bought him off — with that vulgar airborne bordello.

listen to Donny explain why he needs this plane. it's pure penis envy.Air Force One is just so tiny and flaccid compared to all the other big, manly planes.

"the plane that you're in right now is almost forty years old. and when you land and you see Saudi Arabia and you see UAE and you see Qatar and you see— and they have these brand-new Boeing 747s, mostly. and you see ours next to it. this is like a totally different plane. it's much smaller, much less impressive, as impressive as it is. and, you know, we're the United States of America. I believe that we should have the most impressive plane … now some people say oh, you shouldn't accepts gifts. my attitude is why shouldn't I accept a gift?"

you shouldn't accept a gift because it's fucking wrong, you ignorant asshole. it's specifically forbidden by the Constitution that you imagine somehow doesn't apply to you.

but look at what's eating away at Donny: all these Middle Eastern counties ruled over by despotic kings and princes have bigger planes than we do. oh, boo fucking hoo. cry me a river.

this delusional dipshit just doesn't get it. he's not royalty — no matter how hard he pretends. he's a low-rent slumlord from Queens, New York who failed upwards forever until he finally stumbled ass-backwards into the Oval Office.

somehow he imagines that this entitles him to the world's biggest airplane.

I guarantee that no other democratically-elected leader thinks twice about what they fly around in. it's just not important. Emmanuel Macron doesn't give a shit if his plane isn't the biggest. neither does Mark Carney. neither does the Pope Fucking Leo, for that matter.

but Donny's so broken-inside that he throws a shit-fit if he doesn't get the most ice cream. I wish I were making this up.

It has emerged that the President has two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cream pie while everyone else at the table has just one.

keep in mind that — once again — the American people are getting nothing out of this. Donny gets to keep the plane, and take it home with him after he leaves office — and that's after hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are spent making it secure enough to be used as Air Force One.

Converting a luxury jet gifted by Qatar to President Donald Trump into a replacement for Air Force One could potentially cost hundreds of millions of dollars, and it could take up two years to install the necessary security equipment, communications and defensive capabilities for it to be safely used by the commander in chief.

so the American people actually are getting less than nothing out of this "deal." thanks a fucking lot, Donny.

hey, look who found his voice. look who's speaking out against Dear Leader accepting four-hundred-million-dollars bribes. it's the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun — the timid lickspittle whose gonads have been marinating in jar on a Motel-a-Lago shelf since 2016.

even Ted knows that accepting trojan-horse gifts from human-rights-abusing fiefdoms is just plain wrong.

"I'm not a fan of Qatar. I think they have a really disturbing pattern of funding theocratic lunatics who want to murder us, funding Hamas and Hezbollah, and that's a real problem. I also think the plane poses significant espionage and surveillance problems."

he's not wrong.

fuck you, Donny, for making me agree with Ted Fucking Cruz.

 

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holy shit! MAGA melts down over 'woke Marxist pope'

From Jeff Tiedrich:

boo fucking hoo, crybabies

the College of Cardinals must have been conclaving the shit out of their search for a new pope, 'cause it only took those honchos two days find their boy.

meet Robert Prevost. he's an American, born in Chicago. he roots for the White Sox. he's 69 years old, and he'll be popin' up a storm as Leo XIV.

oh wait, I almost left out the best part: he's a WOKE MARXIST POPE.

it only took about five minutes for someone to find the new pope's not-twitter feed — and MAGA is throwing a shit-fit because it turns out that Robert Prevost/Leo XIV is their worst nightmare: a religious leader who actually follows the teachings of Jesus.

"According to his X/Twitter feed (@drprevost), the newly selected pope trashed Trump, trashed Vance, trashed border enforcement, endorsed DREAMer-style illegal immigration, repeatedly praised and honored George Floyd, and endorsed a Democrat senator's call for more gun control."

the horror.

pour one out for the internet oddity who calls himself Catturd. he's going through some things right now.

too bad, so sad.

here's Donny Convict's side-piece Laura Loopy, back with another hot take.

the diaper-fillers are not entirely wrong — the current top-most thing on Robert/Leo's not-twitter feed is a retweet taking Donny Convict to task for disappearing Venezuelan migrants off the streets and fuckity-byeing them into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag.

furniture molester/eyeliner model JD Vance now has the distinction of being called out for shithead behavior by two consecutive popes — which I believe is a world record.

hey, did you know that the selection of Robert Prevost was a calculated move by Big Catholic to install a globalist, woke Pope from the West ON PURPOSE?

it must be true, I read it on the internet.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, SHEEPLE.

I hope Robert/Leo was selected "on purpose." how awesome would it be if he was a deliberate thumb-in-the-eye to Donny Convict — for being an all-around fuckwit antichrist, and also for posting all those stupid 'look at me, I'm the pope' memes.

MAGA didn't sign up for any of this shit. they don't want some commie rat bastard doling out woke-ass twaddle about compassion and human rights. they want a pope who follows the teachings of Republican Jesus — the dude who kept the fish and the loaf for himself, and told the needy to go fuck themselves.

here's Pope Leo's worst sin: he called Jesus the m-word.

you gotta love all the newly-minted theologians who jumped into the new pope's mentions to popesplain Jesus to him.

make that theologians, historians and anthropoligists — because MAGA knows more about popery than all the popes.

calm the fuck down and get over yourselves, crybabies. listen, I'm playing Ava Maria for you on the world's tiniest violin.

by the way, if any of you out there are tempted to post something like "does the new pope still have that new-pope smell," please don't. it's a terrible, obvious joke. it's the worst kind of low-hanging fruit — and I already did it, twelve years ago.

the selection of Pope Leo knocked the day's other big story right out of the news. that's actually a good thing, because it was a total nothingburger.

yesterday, Donny — desperate for a trade war victory to crow about — announced his first trade deal, with the UK.

it was indeed great news — except for the part where the US and the UK absolutely did not have a trade deal in place. what they had was an agreement to have a framework of a concept with which they would begin the negotiation process.

in other words, the announcement was a ginormous fucking bowl of hocus-pocus — but that didn't stop the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media from hitting the ground running with misleading headlines.

there are really only three things you need to know about yesterday's dog-and-pony show.

first, apparently every Oval Office event now has to begin with the Ritual Praising of Dear Leader.

Granny-Starvin' Howard Lutnick: "I want to make this clear. this was the president's deal. people think, 'oh, that's not the way it works.' if you got to sit next to him — I have the best dealmaker to my left. and if you don't think that we take advantage of him calling the prime minister and getting that deal done, you don't understand who's the president. he's the closer. he gets deals done that we could never get done, because he understands business, he understands deals. and that's why we're here today."

where did I leave my barf bag?

second, slowdowns, layoffs and empty shelves are a good thing.

reporter: "but we're seeing as a result that ports here in the US, the traffic has really slowed and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs."

Donny: "that means we lose less money … when you say it slowed down, that's a good thing, not a bad thing."

and lastly, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants evidently thinks toy-maker Mattel is a country — or some guy. or something.

"Mattel, I don't know, I'm not sure. they also said— they're the only country I've heard, they said, 'well, we're going to go counter. we're going to try to go someplace else.' that's ok. let them go, and we'll put a hundred percent tariff on his toys, and he won't sell one toy in the United States."

that's right, America: YOU ONLY GET TWO DOLLS, AND NEITHER WILL BE A BARBIE.

here's the other batshit thing that happened yesterday: Donny nominated America's Tipsiest Fake TV Judge to be his Interim US Attorney in DC.

I can't fucking even with these clowns.

Judge Box-Wine, it should be noted, is the 23rd Fox bobblehead to land a job in Donny's administration.

today, let's go out with a song. for no particular reason, here's Tom Lehrer doing the Vatican Rag.

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Fuck Trump

I also believe—because he is a sociopathic narcissist—that he does this shit simply to remain in the news cycle and keep people talking about him 24/7.