Category: 2025

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that you don’t even know where to start. so let’s just spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh look, the House just made itself go fuckity-bye for the rest of the summer.


why? because mean old Thomas Massie has been walking around with a big, throbbing discharge petition in his pants, and he’s been threatening to expose it to everyone.

House Speaker Limpdick Von Gavel had worked himself into a Ginormous Furious over this discharge petition — because had Massie gotten the chance to pull it out, it would have forced a vote on releasing the Epstein Files.

The acrimony comes as Massie continues to push for a vote on his bipartisan resolution calling for the release of documents in the Jeffrey Epstein case, a measure many Republicans are opposed to. Massie is vowing to use a discharge petition to force a vote on the measure, something rarely used by a member of the majority.

and so Speaker Limpdick did the only thing he could. he bravely ran away, away.

in fact, he made everyone run away.

Speaker Mike Johnson announced on Tuesday that he was cutting short the week’s legislative business and sending the House home early for the summer on Wednesday to avoid having to hold votes on releasing files related to the accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

there you have it, folks. that’s the length to which the entire Republican apparatus will go to suppress every shred of evidence about the sick shit that Dear Leader and his dead pedo bestie were up to — they’ll even make themselves go fuckity-bye.

the most useless Congress in history now goes home for the rest of the summer. apart from that big ugly bill that shreds the social safety net while giving another huge tax cut to gazillionaires, they accomplished fuck-all. they couldn’t even manage to rename a post office.

now, all these worthless Republican Reps can go back to their home districts and do fuck-all at home. don’t expect these profiles in courage to hold any town halls. they all know what will happen if they do: they’ll have to listen to angry constituents scream at them about why is my health insurance gone? why did the Space Nazi get a tax cut? — and above all: why didn’t you vote to release the Epstein Files?

everyone knows that Dear Leader’s name is all over the Epstein Files. otherwise, why would every one of Donny’s enablers be working so hard to make sure those files never see the light of day?

what a ridiculous fucking charade.

oh look, President Saddy McSadsad is sad.

“We had the Greatest Six Months of any President in the History of our Country, and all the Fake News wants to talk about is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax!”

oh, boo fucking hoo. put a sock in it, you whiny jackass.

first of all, was this past six months really the greatest of any presidency? fact check:

as for the second part: Alexa, are the Epstein Files all anyone wants to talk about?

fact check: of fucking course they are — because every five minutes, new shit comes to light.

Photos from 1993 confirm for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples. Epstein’s attendance at the ceremony at the Plaza Hotel was not widely known until now.

In addition, footage from a 1999 Victoria’s Secret fashion event in New York shows Trump and Epstein laughing and chatting together ahead of the runway event.

what else should we be talking about, Donny, if not your pedo bestie? would you like us to talk about how increasingly demented and incoherent you are? would that make you happier?

you know, he has these think tanks. and they build— they build buildings for people that think. and it’s really not thinking, it’s uhh, a little bit of combination of thinking, but it’s uhh, it’s something you sort of have, or you don’t have.”

holeeeey shit. ‘they build buildings for people that think.’ no, wait — they don’t just think, they do a combination of thinking. or they don’t, because it’s something only some people have.

here’s your pudding cup, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants. it’s obviously way past your bedtime.

by the way, they also build buildings for people who don’t think.

but please, do go on, sir. we’re hanging on every word.

“but what we found is even more so. we found absolute— this isn’t like evidence, or the— this is like proof. irrefutable proof, that Obama was sedatious. that Obama led— was trying to lead a coup. and it was with Hillary Clinton, with all these other people. but Obama headed it up. and, if, you know, I get a kick when I hear— everyone talks about about people I never even heard of, was this— no, no, it was Obama. he headed it up. and it says so right in the papers. and everything. got everything. this is the biggest scandal in the history of our country. and it really goes on to even the autopen.”

words, do they even exist?

what is ‘sedatious,’ does anyone know? is that when you’re bodacious andseditious?

excuse me, but where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media? can not one of these wastes of space stand up and, at long last, finally ask what the fuck is wrong with you?


no, they can’t.

they’re all content just stand around and nod their heads, as if a diaper-loading grievance-factory hallucinating crimes and threatening to imprison his predecessor was the most normal thing in the world.

nothing to see here, right?

imagine if Joe Biden had accused Donny of trying to lead a coup. OH WAIT, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.


Barack Obama has issued a response to the Mad King’s caterwauling.

Out of respect for the office of the presidency, our office does not normally dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House with a response. But these claims are outrageous enough to merit one. These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.

Nothing in the document issued last week undercuts the widely accepted conclusion that Russia worked to influence the 2016 presidential election but did not successfully manipulate any votes. These findings were affirmed in a 2020 report by the bipartisan senate intelligence committee, led by then-chairman Marco Rubio.

that’s pretty eloquent, but I like Stephen Colbert’s response to Donny better.

“go fuck yourself.”

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Can You Say Desperation?

Little Donny Fuckface is rattled right now. he wants nothing more than for everyone to stop asking so many questions about his dead pedo bestie. for the first time in his soft, privileged life, the press has sunk its teeth into a scandal they can’t be distracted from — and the Mad King hasn’t a clue how to handle it.

Donny’s playing all the old hits, throwing everything at the wall and hoping that something — anything! — will stick.

Obama did a treason! Biden did an autopen! sports isn’t racist enough! Murdoch sucks! Colbert sucks! I’m suing everybody! SQUIRREL!!!

it’s not working. nothing is working — and Donny’s getting slaughtered in the polls.

just how rattled is Team Donny right now? this rattled: they’ve raised the threat level to DEFCON Hillary.

it’s right there on page one of the Republican Diversion Handbook: when all else fails, investigate the Email Lady.

Bondi announced Monday that the Department of Justice has released documents tied to the FBI’s investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server during her tenure as Secretary of State. The move comes in response to a long-standing request from Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, who has pushed for greater transparency surrounding the probe.

oh, thank the day. Chuck Grassley — who, at six hundred and seventy-nine years of age, is America’s oldest living elected official — is finally going to get to the bottom of this whole Hillary emails thing.

Chuck’s premise is that the FBI didn’t try hard enough to gin up proof that Hillary broke laws by running her own email server. Grassley believes that when the initial FBI investigation came up with bupkis, they should have opened a second. and if that one didn’t prove criminal culpability, they should have opened a third.

in other words, the FBI should have Benghazi’d the shit out of that email server.

Benghazi — now there was an investigation. do you think Republicans were daunted when they couldn’t find any proof that Hillary was responsible for the deaths of four diplomats in Libya? fuck no. they immediately cranked a second investigation in high gear. and then a third. a fourth. a fifth.

do you know how many total investigations there were into Benghazi? eight. that includes the one where they hauled Hillary before live cameras and made her testify for eleven consecutive hours — which she did with grace and humor.

so you can well understand why Chuck Grassley can’t believe that everyone just gave the fuck up after one email investigation. who does that, investigate Hillary only once? it makes no sense.

and, of course, Pam Bondi couldn’t wait to agree to Grassley’s request to declassify everything the FBI had on Hillary. anything — anything — to get MAGA’s mind off of the Epstein Files.

naturally, the wingnut outrage-industrial complex is only too happy to play along.

but as long they’re delving into Hillary’s imaginary crimes again, maybe they could check out that time when she accidentally butt-dialed a journalist and texted him classified war plans.

oh wait, that wasn’t Hillary who did that. it was the Fox News dunk-tank clown who screwed that up.

someone remind me, how many hearings were held after Pete Kegstand’s actual breach of national security? I seem to recall it was zero.

and please, someone remind me how many hours Congress spent grilling Piss-Drunk Pete on live television? spoiler alert: again, it was zero.

how many hours did Donny Convict spend testifying before the January 6th Committee? again, I seem to recall it was zero. in fact, when Donny was subpoenaed to testify, he blew it off and didn’t show up.

but sure, let’s just hassle the Email Lady every day for the rest of her life. there’s got to be something on her. there’s just got to be.

look: the only thing that anyone needs to know about Hillary’s emails is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein files.

hey, as long as Pam Bondi is so horny to declassify FBI files and hand them out like party favors, I have a couple of requests — because there are some other unsolved scandals that really need to be looked into.

topmost: it’s time to reopen the investigation into TanSuitGate.

could we please get all the files about Obama’s tan suit?

sure, everyone knows that Obama wore a tan suit, but we never found out why.

look at poor old Comer Fudd. he still can’t figure out how old Joe Biden is.

I’m sure the FBI has files somewhere with Joe Biden’s birthdate on them. could someone do Comer a solid and pass them his way?

hey Donny — you want this to all go away? I have an easy solution for you: just release the files, and let everyone see for themselves how you did nothing wrong.

I mean, you’re innocent right? and innocent people don’t generally suppress the very files that prove how innocent they are, am I right?

am I right?

here’s another thing Pam Bondi did yesterday: she declassified a bunch of FBI files on the 1968 assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

look at us, releasin’ files. we’re so fucking transparent. who can accuse us of covering up anything? that was the intended message behind this bit of Kabuki.

you know who wasn’t impressed? Bernice King, MLK’s daughter.

in a world of Mad Kings, be a Bernice King.

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The Week In Stupid With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: taking the matter into her own hands

five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly who we need to get to the bottom of this little Epstein Files dust-up.

“I want answers, and, um, maybe that takes a Special Counsel to do so. maybe Matt Gaetz can be the Special Counsel.”

oh really? the maddeningly-unindicted trafficker and former congressman Plankhead McSexpest? the guy who would regularly venmo cash to teenage girls, because reasons? the guy who flew girls to New York for the purpose of getting it on with them? the guy who would show off nude photos of his conquests to other congressmen? the guy who resigned because the House Ethics Committee was about to publish a report that exposed all this damning shit to the public?


that’s the recommendation of the vacuous airhead who gave her hookup a vigorous beetlejuicing in a theater? Matt Gaetz? that’s who should investigate the Epstein cover-up?

well, the answer is clearly yes, because of that clever legal doctrine known as it takes one to know one.

tuesday: if I had a hammer

hey, remember that bit in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus is all blessed are the kiddy-fiddlers? numb-nuts pastor Shane Vaughn apparently does.

“the only thing that’s coming today is the crucifixion of Donald Trump. oh no, not by the Romans. uh-uh. Yeshua, Jesus Christ, was not killed by the Romans. oh yes, they drove the nails — but it was the Jews that delivered him to them. and one can’t help but wonder, if history is not repeating itself, and we are not delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies.”

what the small-batch artisanal fuck? I’m sorry, who is ‘delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies’? — which, by the way, subject, objects and verbs in sentences, how do they work?

I just want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with any crucifixions. I was on space laser duty that day.


wednesday: what’s in a name

it must be exhausting to be a Fox News on-air bobblehead. you’re expected to be forever coming up with new ways to be an asshole. let’s watch as Jesse Watters knocks it out of the fucking park.

“so this guy has to lower rates immediately. and this guy, I mean, Jerome. funny name for a white guy.”

there we go. this is why we all worship at the Church of Jesse the Found Object. right in the middle of a government-ordained Two Minutes Hateagainst Fed chair Jerome Powell, Watters brilliantly improvises up a little drive-by racism. because, apparently, what self-respecting white parents would name their darling little bundle of joy Jerome?

seriously, what’s the deal with being named Jerome? maybe we should ask this guy.

here’s a dude named Jerome Lester Horwitz, though that’s probably not the moniker you know him by.

and then of course there’s this homey.


oh wait. Jerome John Garcia is half Mexican. maybe Jesse’s half right.

thursday: get a load of this fucking idiot

god-bothering uber-zealot Pastor Joel Webbon is the President and Founder of Right Response Ministries and the Senior Pastor of Covenant Bible Church. he’s also misogynist as fuck, as you’re about to find out.

“when you say, ‘well, I disagree with Pam Bondi, because I think she’s hiding the Epstein Files,’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah, but also I don’t like Pam Bondi because she’s a woman, and she shouldn’t be in public.’ not in politics. you and I are not the same. you don’t like her for this reason, I don’t like— it’s like ‘I don’t like Pam Bondi because of her positions’ and I don’t like Pam Bondi because she needs to be at home.”

how totally awesome. this guy thinks Pam Bondi fucking sucks — but not because she’s carrying water for Jeffrey Epstein’s adjudicated-rapist bestie Donny. not because she did fuck-all to prosecute Epstein when she was Florida’s Attorney General.

and certainly not because — as we all learned yesterday — that she had ONE THOUSAND FBI AGENTS working 24-hour shifts, combing though ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Epstein documents and flagging any mentions of Dear Leader, and only after that did she decide that she couldn’t release the Epstein Files, because you-know-who was all over them.

no — this woman-loathing shitwad hates Pam Bondi because she’s not in the kitchen right now, making him a sandwich.

fuck you, Pastor Joel, for making Pam Bondi the good guy in this story.

friday: I DO DECLARE!

White House spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is exactly the person we need right now.

I DECLARE EVERY DEMONIC BATTLE AGAINST YOUR MIND, FAMILY AND FINANCES IS CANCELLED IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!”

this is great. thank you, Paula. demons have been fucking our nation’s shit for way too long. at last, here is one woman who is unafraid to stand up and CANCEL EVERY DEMON, THE ALL-AMERICAN ALL-CAPS WAY, via a tweet on Elon’s Nazi Bar. that’ll show them demons who’s boss.

except for the part where Paula forgot to close her tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, which means it’s not legally binding, and that demons can just keep right on fucking our shit.

how do you not know this, Paula?

Paula, every demon is going like this right now.


thanks for nothing, Paula.

can not one person in this entire administration do one thing right?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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A Little Something From BTC

Let’s get a little meta here and dig into the Epstein fallout from a political perspective.

Is this weird conspiracy theory really what we should be focusing on?

I am a student of the Dan Pfeiffer philosophy that we exploit issues that unite our party and divide the other party. Democrats are united in their desire to see the Epstein files released. Most Republicans also want to see the Epstein files released, other than a small faction of the most hardcore MAGA supporters. A YouGov poll from July 15 revealed as much:

It is political malpractice not to exploit an issue that unites 85% of Democrats, 76% of Independents, and 75% of Republicans— leaving Donald Trump and his sycophants appealing to a pathetic four percent of Americans.

Elevating independent or rightwing voices

Trump’s position has earned him bipartisan criticism. He’s being assailed by the likes of Joe Rogan, Theo Von, Andrew Schulz, Dave Smith, Shane Gillis, and many others. We should highlight their voices for two reasons: first, if you’re a Democrat, you may not have much credibility with Independents or Republicans. I certainly have far less credibility with Trump supporters than Joe Rogan – who helped Trump get elected – has with those same people. Which means that while my criticism may not carry much weight, his does. If I can help share effective criticism, why wouldn’t I jump at the opportunity? This is not about validating rightwing platforms or endorsing all of their opinions; this is about amplifying a message that will be particularly persuasive among the broader universe of voters. Period. Remember: the goal of politics is not purity; it’s winning elections, gaining power, and enacting our agenda.

Second, we need to create an incentive structure for those flirting with anti-Trump messaging to speak out. For example, Theo Von weighed in on this issue:

If we attack Theo Von as he’s criticizing the Trump administration (“You voted for this!”), what incentive is there for him to criticize them further? None. So throw him a like and retweet, and welcome his voice into the chorus of other voices speaking out. Our response cannot be to scold those who can be our allies – effective allies! – in this fight.

The right is very good is offering positive reinforcement to those who promote their agenda, and as a result, those people do it over and over until they’re fully red-pilled. We can’t let our pride or egos get in the way of smart politics. We win by adopting a strategy of addition, not subtraction.

Aren’t there more important issues to focus on?

Yes and no. There are no shortage of people who would say that the ICE raids, cuts to healthcare and food assistance, the dismantling of the ACA, the abandonment of our climate goals, and the sustained attack on the judiciary are more important than the files related to the wrongdoing of a dead pedophile. Other people would say that holding the other people involved in the crimes of that dead pedophile accountable for their behavior is also extraordinarily important. The reality is that we shouldn’t dismiss either one. But let’s consider the reality of our media environment. It is very, very rare for a political issue to break through in a way that the Epstein story has (on Thursday night, it was even mentioned at the ESPYs). It’s even more rare that it redounds to the political benefit of Democrats and to the detriment of Trump and Republicans. In moments like these, it’s not only impossible but unwise to try and swim against the tide. The country is united in its opposition to Trump and Republicans on this issue. There will be many, many opportunities to discuss healthcare and immigration and the courts and everything else this administration is doing. But in this moment, take the win and join the chorus of voices – left, right, and center – in giving this White House its much deserved derision.

How should we talk about this?

The questions write themselves. Why did Trump lie to his supporters about releasing the Epstein files? What is he hiding? Is he in the files? Who is he protecting? Whatever he’s trying to keep under wraps must be bad enough to warrant his insistence that he would rather lose the support of his own votersthan humor their demands for the information (that he himself promised them) to be released. Trump’s supporters voted for him because they believed that – his own warts notwithstanding – he would be the one who could expose the systemic corruption that allows powerful, wealthy elites to get away with heinous crimes. Instead, they’re learning that not only does Trump have no intention of exposing that systemic corruption, he’s actually entrenching it. Put simply, if you plan on staking your reputation on exposing criminals, don’t act surprised when your reputation craters once you opt to protect them instead.

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Thursday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

oyal MAGA patriots, please stand by for a personal message of the utmost importance from Dear Leader. ready? here it is:

‘why u so fuken dum?’

“they want to talk about the Epstein hoax. the sad part is, it’s people that are really doing the Democrats’ work. they’re stupid people.”

I hate to break it to you MAGAs, but this is Donny’s messaging now: that thing that actually happened, and that he encouraged you to believe in for years, is a now a hoax, and you’re an idiot for believing it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love breaking it to you that Dear Leader thinks you’re an idiot. how’s it feel, cultists, to find out that the guy you’ve devoted your life to just dropped you like a sack of potatoes?

oh look, it’s time for another Reading from the Book of Dumbfuck.

h joy, we’re in for a rehashing of every grudge and grievance. buckle in, here comes some turbulence.

The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at – It’s all they have – They are no good at governing, no good at policy, and no good at picking winning candidates.

fact check: [mimes jerk-off motions]

Joe Biden brought us out of a pandemic, and our economy recovered at a rate faster than almost any other country in the world.

now, here comes the juicy part.

Also, unlike Republicans, they stick together like glue. Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore!

holy shit! Donny just actually called his cultists ‘weaklings,’ and said he doesn’t want their support any more!

Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

YES, YOU NOW HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

look, we get it. all that fuckery Donny got caught dead to rights doing, he’s always been able to sell it to the cultists as a hoax, just by shouting hoax hoax hoax until it sticks.

that shit’s worked in the past, but it’s not working with the Epstein Files, because Donny has a serious problem: he’s taken his own credibility out to the gavel pit and noemed it until it was dead dead dead.

hey, remember when this happened?

remember when a bunch of left-wing commie influencers were invited to the Biden White House and were each given their own binder labeled “the Epstein Files, Phase 1”? that was—

[taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that these are MAGA influencers who were at the White House in February of this year, and those binders were handed to them by Donny’s own flunkies.

MAGA remembers that day. they ran around punching their fists in the air, and shouting about how at last, the truth will out! — and now the cultists are being told they’re ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing the thing Donny handed them and told them to believe.

and what about the literal hundreds of photos and videos of Donny and Jeffrey partying together?

 

are MAGAs now supposed to believe that all these images are part of some ‘deep state’ conspiracy?

let’s check in with the cultists, and see how they enjoy being called ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing ‘bullshit.’

Donald Trump just said he doesn’t want my support anymore because I care about the Epstein Files. Goodbye, Mr. President. You just lost me.”

oh dear — I don’t think they’re buying it.

“gaslight us harder daddy”

check out misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. on Tuesday, Donny personally phoned Chuckers and begged him to shut the fuck up about Epstein. it worked…

…for about 24 hours. it turns out that even bizarre lawn ornaments hate being called stupid.

oh. huh.

over at MechaHitler’s Nazi Bar, the hashtag #trumppedofiles has been trending for days now.

so yeah, things are going just swimmingly right now for the Mad King.

oh, is it time to play Easy Questions, Easy Answers again?

[raises hand] wait, I know the answer to this! Alex, it’s because Donny’s a self-destructive imbecile.

as he’s done so many times in the past, Donny’s made things worse for himself. what he should have said was nothing — because let’s face it, the cultists are dumb as fuck, and they’re easily distracted. if Donny had played this right, the whole thing would have already burned itself out, and MAGA would have moved on to the next shiny object. but Donny can’t ever keep his rancid anus-mouth shut, and by calling his cultists stupid weaklings whose support he no longer wants, he’s once again shoved his dick into a hornet’s nest and clownfucked it into a frenzy.

good going, dumb-ass.

here’s another thing that happened yesterday. tell me, does this firing make Donny’s ass look guilty?

Maurene Comey was a lead prosecutor on the investigation and prosecution of Epstein and his former girlfriend and accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Maxwell was convicted and is serving a 20-year sentence.

oh sure, let’s take the one person in the Department of Justice who knows all the dirt on Epstein, and make her job go fuckity-bye — right as interest in the Epstein Files is reaching a fever pitch. there’s nothing suspicious about the timing at all.

that Maurene is James Comey’s daughter is just icing on the cake.

I don’t know about you, but President Guilty McGuiltyguilty sure sounds like he’s guilty of something.

reporter: “President Trump, would you consider appointing a special counsel to investigate the Jeffrey Epstein investigation?”

Donny: “I have nothing to do with it.” [hurries the fuck away]

one thing is for certain: Donny would like to THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO ANY OTHER MATTER IN THE WORLD

“I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola. This will be a very good move by them — You’ll see. It’s just better!”

it looks like Donny’s plan is to distract us with another round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.

Donny, come clean. were you speaking to Coca-Cola, or were you speaking to a bottle of Coca-Cola? is that bottle in the room with us right now?

it’s a legit question, because when NBC News contacted Coca-Cola for comment, they were all we’re putting the what in what now?

hey Gavin Newsom, are you distracted yet?

No Fucks To Give Newsom is my favorite Gavin Newsom.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene is fucking livid. she’s had it up to here with all these scumbag shitweasels refusing to release the Epstein Files — and she wants everyone to know just how she feels about it.

“America deserves the truth about Jeffrey Epstein and the rich powerful elites in his circle. The line is drawn with anyone who abuses children and vulnerable innocent people. When George Santos is going to prison for 7 years but Epstein only served 13 months, our justice system is CORRUPT!!!”

note that Madge posted that screed at 8:49pm on Monday. hold that in your mind, because here’s a super-awesome thing she did at 2:19pm on Tuesday:she voted to block the release of the Epstein Files.

in fact, House Republicans voted unanimously to stuff the Epstein Files back down the memory hole. fuckity-bye, Files!

now check out who else is mad has hell, and not going to take it any more: America’s Self-Appointed Bathroom Panty Sniffer.

wait, let’s check the time stamp on Nancy’s tweet. 3:49pm — about 90 minutes after she, too, voted to shitcan the Epstein Files.

that’s your Republican Party, folks. they’ll huff and puff and do their Performative Nonsense Theater, throw red meat to the cultists, and tell them exactly what they want to hear — but when it comes time to actually vote, protecting you-know-who is the Prime Directive.

you goddamn well know that if the Epstein Files thoroughly exonerated Dear Leader, Hannity would have been given a copy of it ages ago — and he’d be reading it out loud, every night, on his show.

hang on, I just got an angry email from a reader:

Show us all the Epstein client list now!!! Why would anyone protect those scum bags?

Ask yourselves this question daily and the answer becomes very apparent!!

sorry, I lied. that wasn’t from any email, and it certainly wasn’t from a reader. that was actually a tweet from Cokey McSniffles Junior, back in 2023.

Cokey sure is quiet about the subject right now. he hasn’t said one word about it. I wonder why.

by the way, there’s a lot of confusion out there, and folks are using the terms Epstein Files and Epstein Client List interchangeably. so let’s just clarify:

    • the Epstein Files is the entire body of evidence against Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, compiled over many years by the Department of Justice. that’s what House Republican just voted to block the release of.
    • the Epstein Client List is literally that, a list of names of Epstein’s pedo pals. that’s what Pam Bondi said in February was on her desk, and now claims never existed.

Cokey Junior might be silent about Jeffrey Epstein, but his dad seems to be suffering from Can’t Shut The Fuck Up About It Syndrome.

reporter: “why do you think your supporters have been so interested in the Epstein story?”

Donny: “I don’t understand it, why they would be so interested.”

cut the gaslighting, bro. you know exactly why the cultists are so worked up over this: because you wound them up for years, telling them how it’s a huge coverup and it’s Democrats protecting their own, and how you were going to release the files on day one. you sold them on a conspiracy and now it’s gotten out of hand. but please, do go on.

“he’s dead for a long time. he was never a big factor in terms of life.”

Jeffrey Epstein was never a big factor in terms of life? what the fuck does that even mean?

one thing’s for sure: Jeffrey Epstein was certainly a big factor in terms of laughing it up with Donny as they ogled women together.

yesterday, Donny brought his dog-and-pony show to Carnegie Mellon University where he participated in a roundtable discussion on energy and innovation.

wait, did I say ‘participated’? I meant to say that Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants once again fell asleep in public.

Donny did wake up long enough to tell one of his patented Things That Never Happened The Most stories.

I have to brag just for a second. because when I first heard about AI, you know, it’s not my thing, although my uncle was at MIT, one of the great professors, 51 years, whatever. longest-serving professor in history of MIT. three degrees. in, uh, nuclear, chemical and math. that’s a smart man. Ted Kaczynski was one of his students. you know who Kaczynski was? there’s very little difference between a madman and a genius. but Kaczyn— I said, ‘what kind of a student was he, Uncle John, Doctor John Trump?’ and he said, ‘seriously good.’ he’d go around correcting everybody. but it didn’t work out too well for him. but it’s interesting.”

fact check: here’s your pudding cup, grandpa, let’s get you off to bed.

Ted Kaczynski — the Unabomber — attended Harvard, not MIT. and John Trump died eleven years before Kaczynski was identified as the Unabomber.

and that business about John Trump being the longest-serving professor in MIT history — MechaHitler, is that true?

oh.

now please excuse me, but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s hand?

why is Donny’s hand heavily-made up? it looks like he’s covering up the scarring from an IV drip. why?

why are Donny’s ankles perpetually swollen?

remember, we have never ever seen a proper medical report on Donny.just some bullshit from Donny’s pill-mill day-drunk almost-a-doctor about how he’s going to live to be 200 years old.

the press never questions it. not one reporter has stood up and asked what the fuck is going on with your hand?

do you think the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press would have accepted this level of coverup from Joe Biden?

it was just about one year ago that a neurologist visited the White House. he wasn’t there to meet with Biden.

Cannard’s visits to the White House were part of his neurological clinics aimed at supporting “thousands” of active duty members assigned in support of White House operations and not to treat the president.

it didn’t matter — the press had themselves a fucking field day, and declared then and there that Biden had Parkinson’s, and that the White House was covering it up.

Joe Biden got pilloried for shit that wasn’t even real — but the Mad King can waddle around looking like death warmed over, fall asleep in public, ramble incoherently about whatever imaginary shit is pinballing around in his big dumb pumpkin head, and no one in the press says boo.

about two years after this nightmare ends, someone like Bob Woodward is going to publish a book about how everyone knew Donny was decaying both mentally and physically, and about how it was an open secret all over Washington.

never mind that this is real information that the public needs right now — saving it for the book is so much more profitable.

speaking for those of us in the future, let me be the first to say thanks a fucking lot — for nothing.

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Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!

since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.

apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.

I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’

but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.

Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’

I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?

you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.

never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?

so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.

what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?

by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.

that’s from the 1950s.

tuesday: new scandal drops

oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’

“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”

this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”

let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.

seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.

how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.

as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom

well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.

“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”

yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.

oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.

thursday: runnin’ with the devil

let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”

wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?

excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.

yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.

friday: so mad. so sad.

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.

Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.

Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.

yeah! that’ll show ’em.

‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’

no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.

the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.

Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.

what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.

congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.

you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.

hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up

ah, memories.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

 

 

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You Hear That, Mr. Trump? That Is The Sound Of Inevitability

From Greg Fallis:

Two people I’d rather not ever think about for the rest of my life? Comrade Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Epstein. But here we are.

I suppose it was inevitable. I mean, in a lot of ways MAGA is the bastard child of QAnon and the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re talking about people who’ve devoted a seriously big chunk of their daily lives to thinking about sexualized anti-government conspiracies. People who’ve built complex, contradictory theories about political figures (mostly Democrats) and Hollywood elites maintaining a series of subterranean facilities where kidnapped children would be raped and then murdered for their adrenochrome. People who claim to believe trans folks are lined up outside high school bathrooms and locker rooms so they can sexually assault girls. People who spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with kids.

So yeah, the ‘suspicious’ death of Jeffrey Epstein is chum in the water for MAGA. When Trump’s pre-election team promised to expose the “truth” about Epstein, MAGA ate it up with a spoon. They absolutely believe Epstein was murdered because he possessed sexually compromising material on powerful figures–a so-called ‘client list’. When asked about that list, Attorney General Pam Bondi said, “It’s sitting on my desk right now to review.”

Then on Friday evening–the 4th of July holiday weekend–Bondi quietly announced, “Hey gang, guess what, there IS no client list! Oopsie! Also? Epstein killed himself! So case closed! How about those Red Sox, huh?!”

MAGA was not amused. You spend years spreading chum in the water, you expect to catch a shark. Being told there IS no shark doesn’t go over well. And given Trump’s long, close relationship with Epstein, it was inevitable that things would get weird and nasty.

But nasty enough to get MAGA to turn on Mr. MAGA his ownself?

I was curious enough that I looked into one of the MAGA-most corners of the Intertubes. I used to check in on the ‘patriots’ of FreeRepublic on a semi-regular basis, just to have some idea of how their fevered right-wing brains work. Snce the re-election of Comrade Trump, I haven’t had the stomach for it.

Until yesterday. And reader, the MAGAverse is absolutely furious. Furious not just at Bondi for her clumsy bait-and-switch approach, but also at their boy Trump. Here are a few of the comments made on FreeRepublic:

I woke up this morning with the realization that the only explanation for this is that Trump is on the list. Nothing else makes sense. This is like Watergate. It will never go away, and it will lead to Trump’s resignation.
–by E. Pluribus Unum (Democrats are the Party of racism, anger, hate and violence.)

Something very big is being covered up.
–by Highest Authority (DemonRats are pure EVIL)

Let’s face it: Pam Bondi is doing just what Trump wants her to do.
–by hcmama

I think we all need to wake up to the real possibility he’s on that list.
–by Lil Flower (American by birth. Southern by the Grace of God. ROLL TIDE!!)

Looks pretty suspicious to go from “The List is ON My Desk Right Now” to “The List Doesn’t Exist.” Someone intervened that has the power to stop the list from being released by the Attorney General of the United States.
–by Bon of Babble (You Say You Want a Revolutioan?)

This decision is way past bondi’s pay grade. This is Trump. Period.
by USS Alaska (NUKE THE MOOSELIMB TERRORIST SAVAGES)

When you see a Freeper who signs his posts with ‘Nuke the Mooselimb Terrorist Savages’ turn on Trump, you know they’re serious. Not necessarily sane, but serious. The reality that their Golden Boy might be on the List of Epstein Kiddie Diddlers (if one actually exists) has to be massively discouraging for them. One way of dealing with that is to create NEW conspiracy theories to explain it. For example, there’s a contingent of Freepers who’ve decided to blame…guess who? That’s right; the Jews.

Ask Israel. They control The Stable Genius…
by Captainpaintball (America needs a Conservative DICTATOR if it hopes to survive. )

Everybody knows Trump and Bibi Netanyahu are BFFs. Combine that with the suggestion that Epstein was some sort of FBI/CIA/Mossad agent, and you’ve got another tasty conspiracy to dine on. But even better (and by ‘better’ I mean ‘more delusional’) are the Freepers who see all of this as part of Trump’s Super Secret Clever Plan to Thump the Democrats.

I think it’s POSSIBLE that genius Trump is making this too big to go away by showing a coverup. When the truth is released…we will get suicide after suicide with DimWITS and RINOs leading the way.
by politicianslie

My conspiracy theory. The Epstein files contain information that can bring down 0bama, Clinton, Clapper, Comey, Brennan… That is why they have to sit on the Epstein files
by Steven Tyler

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it. Trump promises to release the Epstein Files to get people excited, then claims the files don’t exists, which gets people even more excited. Eventually all that excitement will reach the boiling point and then Trump will hold a press conference and reveal…Hey Presto! The files DO exist! And they implicate ALL of Trump’s enemies! Genius! Applause and fireworks! A chorus of angels sing as the anti-MAGA deviants are led away to concentration camps in Sudan!

Jesus suffering fuck, dealing with MAGA is exhausting. I need a drink.