Category: 2025

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IT’S A CULT

At this point no matter what you say, what facts or evidence is provided to them the Cultists will not change their world view.

When he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and they would still support him that seems to be true.

He is their world and they mindlessly follow his lead…right off a cliff if directed.

 

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How Many Levels Of Hell Are There? And Why Do I Think We Haven’t Reached The Lowest Level Yet?

‘shithole countries.’

that was Little Donny Fuckface’s adorable catch-all phrase for all those little African countries he had no interesting in learning the names of.

why do we let people from shithole countries come here, raged Donny in a White House meeting in 2018. why can’t we get more white people to immigrate, from places like Norway?

racists gonna racist, whatcha gonna do?

let’s watch what happens when America’s Racist-in-Chief sits down with the leaders of some of those ‘shithole countries’ and trots out his ignorance for all to see.

Donny: “thank you, and such good English. where did you learn to speak so beautifully? you were educated where?”
Liberia’s President Joseph Boakai: “Liberia.”
Donny: “in Liberia? that’s very interesting. beautiful English, too. I have people at this table can’t speak nearly as well.”

holy shit. could this ginormous asshole possibly be any more condescending?Donny can’t imagine that a black man from Africa — of all places! — would speak flawless English. surely, President Boakai must have left his native county — where they no doubt gibber incomprehensibly — to learn English at some prestigious university. was it Oxford? Cambridge?

no, you ignorant fuck, President Boakai learned English at home, from his parents. because fact check: English is the official language of Liberia.

it’s not ‘interesting’ that President Boakai speaks flawless English any more than it’s interesting that Donny barks out THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS in that coarse Queens, New York accent of his.

here’s a cool fact about Liberia: its nickname is ‘Little America.’ here’s why:

For nearly five decades, starting in 1820, some 13,000 freed American slaves and their families colonized the region as part of a privately organized repatriation effort. Having given itself a name reflecting the settlers’ liberation, Liberia declared itself an independent nation in 1847—Africa’s first.

Donny would have known this, if he had read the briefing papers his staffers probably don’t even bother to prepare any more, because their boss is a jackass who never does the reading.

read? are you fucking kidding me? that’s time Donny could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf. Donny knows what he imagines he knows — and that’s good enough for Donny.

I guarantee everything Donny “knows” about Africa comes from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons as a child in the 1940s.

we probably should all be grateful that Donny didn’t ask President Boakai if he’d ever cooked someone in a pot.

what a fucking embarrassment.

world leaders have learned how to deal with America’s volatile Toddler King: by flattering the shit out of him. here’s Bassirou Diomaye Faye, the president of Senegal (through a translator), pretending to give two fucks about golf.

“I know you are a tremendous golf player. golf requires concentration and precision, qualities that also make for a great leader. Senegal has exceptional opportunities to offer, including in the area of tourism. so, perhaps it would just be six hours by flight, from New York, from Miami, from Europe, or from the Gulf, and that would be an opportunity for you to show off your skills on the golf course, too.”

once again, none of this is normal. world leaders shouldn’t have to humiliate themselves, just to remain in the good graces of a broken-inside narcissist obsessed with settling scores over imaginary grievances. but this is how it the game is played now: diplomacy by extortion. you want something from the mob boss? pony up, bro. Qatar gave me a flying bordello. Syria’s letting me put up a golden tower in Damascus. whattaya got to offer, in that shithole country of yours? enough open land for a golf course? awesome.

kiss the ring and sign the damn check.

the thing is, all that ass-kissing is for naught — because Donny doesn’t give a fuck who any of these people are.

“maybe we’re gonna have to go a bit quicker than this, because we have a whole schedule. um, if I could just ask your name and your country, would be great. thank you, please.”

Donny hasn’t the slightest clue who he’s talking to, or where they’re from — and I guarantee you that he doesn’t care. snap it up, bro, I gotta whole schedule here, give me your name and country so I can immediately forget them, because I don’t give a fuck.

in fact, let’s all watch President Don’t Give a Fuck not give a fuck.

reporter: “do you expect any of the countries here to face tariffs as well?”

Donny: “uh, I haven’t thought of it, but maybe, I don’t know. let’s see, I like him, him, him, him, and him. no, I don’t think so, not too much. these are friends of mine now.”

sure they are. pro tip: people generally know their friends’ names, and don’t just go him, him, him.

imagine that Donny had a normal marriage — one where his Slovenian trophy wife didn’t loathe him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. imagine that Melania actually lived under the same roof as Donny, and that the two of them talked to each other over the dinner table. how would last night’s conversation had gone? like this, I’m sure:

“who did you meet with today, honey?”

“who the fuck cares.”

here’s the other embarrassing thing Donny did yesterday: he slapped a 50% tariff on Brazil. why, is it because we have that big a trade deficit with Brazil? fuck no. in fact, we have a trade SURPLUS with Brazil.

oh, huh. then why hit Brazil with punitive tariffs, if we’re running a surplus?

this is why: because Donny’s in a Big Mad because Brazil is prosecuting his despot bestie Jair Bolsonaro.

after losing his reelection bid in 2020, Bolsonaro tried to pull off his own January 6, and failed miserably — and because Brazil apparently doesn’t live in the same shittiest possible timeline that we do, they actually arrested Bolsonaro and are trying him for his crimes.

now, Bolsonaro doesn’t have his own Supreme Court to anoint him a Very Special Boy Who Can January 6 His Own Country — but he does have his very own Mad King Donnie, and Donny’s gonna tariff the bejeesus out of Brazil if they don’t cut that shit out.

Donny trying to impose American-style corruption onto a law-abiding nation is embarrassing enough, but what’s reallyembarrassing is the letter Donny sent to Brazilian President da Silva.

look at this incoherent piece of shit, with it oddball random capitalization, and fifth-grade-level vocabulary.

so unfair! so unfair! whines Donny, because of course he does.

The way that Brazil has treated former President Bolsonaro, a Highly Respected Leader throughout the World during his Term, including by the United States, is an international disgrace. This Trial should not be taking place. It is a Witch Hunt that should end IMMEDIATELY!

look at how it closes, above that psychotic Klan-hood signature of his.

You will never be disappointed with the United States of America.

spoiler alert: yes, we will be. yes, we are.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

fuck off.

it’s all so embarrassing.

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

here’s a fun thing that Republicans can do right now: go fuck themselves.

oh look, Texas’ doughiest pantload, the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun, has found himself a camera to stand in front of.

“I talked about the partisan finger-pointing … just immediately trying to use it, for either side to attack their political opponents, I think that’s cynical and not the right approach.”

okay. on the one hand, Ted is not entirely wrong, about knee-jerk finger-pointing from ‘either side.’ but on the other hand — hey, Ted, is this you?

in today’s Verdict With Ted Cruz podcast, we break down the catastrophic policy decisions made by elected politicians in California, made by Governor Gavin Newsom, made by Mayor Karen Bass … they put politics over the safety of the men and women in California..”

that video was posted on January 10, 2025, while parts of Los Angeles were burning to the ground. fires were still raging, but Ted Cruz couldn’t wait to politicize the shit out of that tragedy. he dove head-first into partisan finger-pointing with the same vigor he displays when elbowing his way to the front of an all-you-can-eat buffet in Cancun.

in fact, every Republican joined the let’s blame Democrats pile-on — and it wasn’t even legitimate criticism. it was the dumbest fucking hallucinatory bullshit imaginable.

Los Angeles, they said, burned down because of all the woke. because of diversity. because the Fire Commissioner was a woman. the horror! because mean old Gavin Newsom refused to open that imaginary faucet in Canada, causing all the fire hydrants to run dry.

fact check: it was a hurricane made of fucking fire.

those were 98-mile-per-hour winds that the LA Fire Department were dealing with.

where was Ted Cruz’s tut-tutting about let’s not engage in partisan finger-pointing when the Space Nazi not-tweeted this:

Libs of TikTok: “The LA Fire Dept passed a ‘racial equity plan’ to end ‘systemic, institutional, and structural racism’ in LA.”
Space Nazi: “They prioritized DEI over saving lives and homes.”

racism doesn’t get more racist than ‘LA burned because they let those peoplebe firefighters.’

where was Ted Cruz’s outrage when Fox News found object Jesse Waters shit his vile misogyny right into the waiting mouths of his audience?

“this right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is the leadership of the LA Fire Department. I sure hope they know what they’re doing.”

I guess Ted was too busy recording his own worthless podcast to notice.

and let us not forget President Stupid J. Fuckingmoron’s obsession with that imaginary spigot, which in this instance had apparently migrated from Canada to northern California.

“Governor Gavin Newscum should immediately go to Northern California and open up the water main, and let the water flow into his dry, starving, burning State, instead of having it go out into the Pacific Ocean. It ought to be done right now, NO MORE EXCUSES FROM THIS INCOMPETENT GOVERNOR. IT’S ALREADY FAR TOO LATE!”

remember the extortion racket that Republicans tried to pull, while the fires were still raging?

that was the genius plan of some fuckface congressman from Ohio. he wanted to punish every Californian by withholding aid unless Gavin Newsom personally raked every forest. all Republicans — including Fidel Cancun — were on board with that.

you want partisan finger-pointing? every time there’s a natural disaster in a Democratic-run state, Republicans use it as a chance to air grievances and settle scores.

here’s a golden oldie from 2018, during the Mad King’s first reign.

Mark Harvey, who was Trump’s senior director for resilience policy on the National Security Council staff, told E&E News on Wednesday that Trump initially refused to approve disaster aid for California after deadly wildfires in 2018 because of the state’s Democratic leanings.

in this instance, Donny wasn’t even trying to get California to change its policies. he just wanted to inflict pain on people he imagined didn’t vote for him, because fuck you, that’s why.

Donny’s appalled staff had to literally draw him a picture that showed that Orange County had in fact more Republicans than Democrats among its residents.

But Harvey said Trump changed his mind after Harvey pulled voting results to show him that heavily damaged Orange County, California, had more Trump supporters than the entire state of Iowa.

how presidential.

so please, tell me one more time how Democrats trying to figure out what went wrong during a tragedy where over a hundred people diedare engaging in partisan finger-pointing. that’s such a cute story.

Ted Cruz — and every Republican whining about politicizing the Texas flooding — can shut the fuck up.

oh, by the way, get a load of this: do you know where Ted Cruz was when disaster struck in Texas? he was vacationing in Greece.

Cruz was spotted Saturday visiting the Parthenon in the Greek capital of Athens along with his wife Heidi and their kids, according to the online news site. Back in his home state, emergency personnel searched for missing children swept away in the floodwaters of the Guadalupe River.

to be fair, this is just bad timing.

unlike the Cancun episode, when Cruz fled the country after the power grid failed in Texas, Ted and his family were already out of town when the waters rose. that’s not his fault — but how does this guy manage to always be somewhere else when shit goes sideways?

doesn’t he have a job?

yesterday, Donny got to have a playdate with his despot bestie Netanyahu — and he got to bring his Emotional Support Dunk-Tank Clown with him.

let’s listen in as the Mad King once again tells the heartwarming story of how Iran was courteous enough to schedule their bombing of an American military base so that didn’t get in the way of Dear Leader’s golf game.

“and you know we were, at the end, missiles were shot, and every single missile was shot out of the air, it was pretty amazing. that was sort of the end. and they told us they were coming and where they were and what time they were coming. and they said ‘if you’d like to have a different time, we’ll do that.’ and that’s respect, when they do that, I believe. I appreciated that they did that.”

this is at least the fourth time that Donny has publicly told this shameful story of how he gave an adversary permission to bomb the shit out of us.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a president who, when asked if one o’clock was a good time to have our military base attacked with deadly force, answered how about never? would never be a good time for you?

but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s face? look at this half-assed job he’s done of tarting himself up. the makeup stops well before his hairline. he’s given himself raccoon eyes, and he didn’t even try to cover his chin.

Donny insists on doing his own makeup — but he’s deteriorated to the point where he routinely fucks it up, just like he routinely fucks everything up.

Donny’s quickly approaching Bette-Davis-in-Whatever-Happened-to-Baby-Jane territory —

and we’re all just expected to ignore the fact that the Emperor has no brain.

this really is the stupidest possible timeline.

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I Miss Joe.

For the four years Biden was in office, not ONCE did I wake up and think, WTF did he do now?  I miss that.

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That’s easy. Are her lips flapping? She’s lying.

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Land of the WHAT?

We didn’t do any of this in America because everyone is focused on being so rich they can buy a small country or six yatchs instead of making sure everyone is safe and cared for.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

so, Senate Republicans put on their usual dog-and-pony kabuki. they did that thing where they rend their garments, throw their arms up in despair, and wail ‘how can I in good conscience vote for this terrible bill? so conflicted! so conflicted!’

the media gobbles this Lucy-and-the-football shit right down. it makes for such great headlines. Republicans in disarray! legislation in jeopardy! will they actually defy the Mad King?

and then, when it comes time to vote, every almost single fucking Republican is a ‘yes.’

so now, the Big Beautiful Pile Of Shit goes back to the House, where we can watch the same pretend-garment-rending happen all over again.

three Republican senators actually had the bravery to vote against this economic abomination. Tom Tillis, Rand Paul, and — holy shit — Susan Collins! this time, Susan Collins didn’t susancollins. she actually stuck to her guns and voted against the bill she swore she wouldn’t vote for.

but you know who did just susancollins her way to infamy? Lisa Murkowski. you can drop blame for the bill’s passage right in Lisa’s lap. if she’d voted no — as she implied a thousand fucking times that she would — the bill would have gone down in defeat, 49-51.

Lisa Murskowski is so sad right now. she can’t understand why Lisa Murkowski didn’t prevent Lisa Murkowski from doing what she did.

look how sad.

“I know that in many parts of the country, there are Americans that are not going to be advantaged by this bill.”

and later,

“we do not have a perfect bill by any stretch of the imagination. my hope is that the House is going to look at this and recognize that we’re not there yet.”

fabulous. Lisa’s going to absolve herself of any culpability, and kick the can across the Capitol Building back into the well of the House. she’s going to hope Republican Reps bail her out.

oh, sure. because Madge Three-Toes and Handey Oakley and Holy Mike Johnson and the whole worthless lot of them can always be depended on to do the right thing.

thanks a fucking lot, Lisa. here’s a present from the American people.

who’s the biggest pantload in the Democratic Party right now? I’m thinking it might be this guy.

“NEWS: I just got the name struck off this bill with a move on the floor of the Senate. It is no longer named ‘One Big Beautiful Bill.’”

awesome work, honcho. that’ll solve everything. you have totally met the moment, Chuckers.

write yourself a strongly-worded letter.

in a world of Chuck Schumers, be a Jasmine Crockett.

I don’t really understand what it is that y’all plan to go back and tell your constituents. the reality is that you have sold your constituents out for 83 people in this country. how is it that you can explain that we still are running up the credit card and we have nothing to show for it except for the fact that we won’t have food on the tables and we won’t have health care?”

I’d love to predict the imminent demise of the Republican Party, because none of this shit is popular.

Harry Enten: “you don’t have to be a mathematical genius to know that these are horrible, horrible, horrible numbers. Washington Post, -19 points, Fox News -21 points … holy Toledo — you just never see numbers this poor … to quote Sir Charles Barkley, ‘terrible terrible terrible’ … it is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation that I have ever seen.”

and that clip is from from before the bill cleared the Senate. wait until the House passes this shitpile of a bill, Donny signs it into law, and Cletus finds out that Dear Leader lied to him about saving Medicaid — and now grandma has to come live with him because her health insurance went fuckity-bye, and the nursing home kicked her out onto the street.

you would hope that Republican voters will remember this all the way to Election Day next year. but the average MAGA is basically the guy from Memento, who literally can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, unless it’s tattooed onto him.

so it’s up to us to stay angry, and never let your drunk MAGA uncle at Thanksgiving forget how Dear Leader screwed him.

oh look, it’s just the worst people in the world, having the time of their lives at the Grand Opening of America’s newest concentration camp, Alligator Auschwitz.

yeah, that let’s trample all over basic human rights shit sure is fucking hilarious.

hey, you know who else laughed it up while doing war crimes? these jolly madcaps.

those are guards and office workers at the actual Auschwitz, kicking back during some downtime.

oh, huh.

folks, these are truly historic times we’re living in. it isn’t every day you get to watch an American president’s brain leak out of his ears in real-time.

reporter: “Mr. President, is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here? days, weeks, months? and does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you just spoke about, being trained and staffed here?”
Donny: “what was the first part of your question?”
reporter: “is there a specific timeframe you expect the detainees to stay here? days, weeks, months?”
Donny: “in Florida?”
reporter: “yes.”
Donny: “I’m gonna spend a lot. look, this is my home state. I love it. I love your government. I love all the people around— these are all friends of mine. and they know I’m— very well. I’m not surprised that they do so well. they’re great— people. uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time. I feel very comfortable in this state. I’ll spend a lot of time here.”

in the space of one second, Donny forgets what question he’s been asked, and starts improvising a nonsensical answer.

does Donny even know what planet he’s on right now? I’d love to see a reporter stand up and ask ‘Mr. President, what day of the week is it?’

hey, worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — any interest in reporting on the obvious deterioration of Mad King Donny Demento?

I thought so.

you know, there are a lot of things in this world that have never happened — but if you were to put together a list of all the things that never happened the most, the heartwarming tale we’re about to hear from Kristi Noem would def be in the top five.

“Joe Biden let the worst of the worst come in. they other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.

because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled “ICE detains cannibal” — just to double-check, because who knows? maybe this patently ridiculous allegation isn’t just some fever-swamp hallucination of Kristi’s. maybe it actually happened.

fact check: fuck off, puppy perforator.

every search result links back to yesterday’s press conference, and everyone is mocking Kristi for being a dumb-ass — with the exception of the wingnut media. they’re printing it as if it were God’s own truth.

check out the New York Post.

because of course they are. it’s good business. no one ever went broke underestimating the gullible stupidity of MAGA.

 

An Personal Note From Your Host

As I wrote a few weeks ago, a troublesome spot appeared on the back of my tongue one day and based on my history, my ENT decided a biopsy was in order. The biopsy was performed, and it came back as a malignant squamous cell carcinoma.

I met with him on Monday to discuss my options. I went through seven weeks of radiation therapy back in 2003 for my laryngeal cancer. This took care of that, and I’ve been cancer-free for the past twenty-two years. But the radiation took a huge toll (that actually didn’t start manifesting until about three years ago). Even with the hell I went through with those treatments, when my doc presented the options—surgery, radiation, chemo (or some combination of all three) and after he described the surgery (it’s horrific), I immediately zeroed in on the radiation again. Trouble is, I might not be able to have radiation again.

So as not to drag this thing out, after much reflection—and speaking to a dear friend who’s been a nurse since I was in high school who talked me off the ledge yesterday—surgery remains the best option. It’s not going to be fun by any means, but after speaking to the surgeon who’s going to be handling my tongue reconstruction after the tumor has been removed, I feel much better about the whole procedure. It’s a ten hour procedure. Afterward I’ll be in the ICU for three days, followed by another week or so in the hospital. I’ll have a feeding tube for some amount of time, and there will be weeks—or months—of speech and swallow therapy once I’m released. The doctor I spoke to today said everything should “mostly” be back to “normal” by the first of the year—although a complete recovery could take up to a year.

How am I dealing with this? Last night—prior to speaking to my friend—I was near tears. After speaking with her (who is dealing with a much more serious cancer herself but beating it into submission) I wrapped my head around the idea that this is just one. more. adventure. in this thing called life.

I have no doubt whatsoever that I will come out the other side cancer free; it’s just getting from here to there that’s probably going to test me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Or not. Maybe I’m stronger (as my friend insists) than I believe.

It will probably be another 5-6 weeks before this happens so I have plenty of time to mentally prepare. As Ben said, “It’s the unknown that’s the worst part.”

All I know is that—much like 22 years ago—I refuse to let a group of runaway cells the size of a pencil eraser dictate shit.