Category: 2025

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You Hear That, Mr. Trump? That Is The Sound Of Inevitability

From Greg Fallis:

Two people I’d rather not ever think about for the rest of my life? Comrade Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Epstein. But here we are.

I suppose it was inevitable. I mean, in a lot of ways MAGA is the bastard child of QAnon and the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re talking about people who’ve devoted a seriously big chunk of their daily lives to thinking about sexualized anti-government conspiracies. People who’ve built complex, contradictory theories about political figures (mostly Democrats) and Hollywood elites maintaining a series of subterranean facilities where kidnapped children would be raped and then murdered for their adrenochrome. People who claim to believe trans folks are lined up outside high school bathrooms and locker rooms so they can sexually assault girls. People who spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with kids.

So yeah, the ‘suspicious’ death of Jeffrey Epstein is chum in the water for MAGA. When Trump’s pre-election team promised to expose the “truth” about Epstein, MAGA ate it up with a spoon. They absolutely believe Epstein was murdered because he possessed sexually compromising material on powerful figures–a so-called ‘client list’. When asked about that list, Attorney General Pam Bondi said, “It’s sitting on my desk right now to review.”

Then on Friday evening–the 4th of July holiday weekend–Bondi quietly announced, “Hey gang, guess what, there IS no client list! Oopsie! Also? Epstein killed himself! So case closed! How about those Red Sox, huh?!”

MAGA was not amused. You spend years spreading chum in the water, you expect to catch a shark. Being told there IS no shark doesn’t go over well. And given Trump’s long, close relationship with Epstein, it was inevitable that things would get weird and nasty.

But nasty enough to get MAGA to turn on Mr. MAGA his ownself?

I was curious enough that I looked into one of the MAGA-most corners of the Intertubes. I used to check in on the ‘patriots’ of FreeRepublic on a semi-regular basis, just to have some idea of how their fevered right-wing brains work. Snce the re-election of Comrade Trump, I haven’t had the stomach for it.

Until yesterday. And reader, the MAGAverse is absolutely furious. Furious not just at Bondi for her clumsy bait-and-switch approach, but also at their boy Trump. Here are a few of the comments made on FreeRepublic:

I woke up this morning with the realization that the only explanation for this is that Trump is on the list. Nothing else makes sense. This is like Watergate. It will never go away, and it will lead to Trump’s resignation.
–by E. Pluribus Unum (Democrats are the Party of racism, anger, hate and violence.)

Something very big is being covered up.
–by Highest Authority (DemonRats are pure EVIL)

Let’s face it: Pam Bondi is doing just what Trump wants her to do.
–by hcmama

I think we all need to wake up to the real possibility he’s on that list.
–by Lil Flower (American by birth. Southern by the Grace of God. ROLL TIDE!!)

Looks pretty suspicious to go from “The List is ON My Desk Right Now” to “The List Doesn’t Exist.” Someone intervened that has the power to stop the list from being released by the Attorney General of the United States.
–by Bon of Babble (You Say You Want a Revolutioan?)

This decision is way past bondi’s pay grade. This is Trump. Period.
by USS Alaska (NUKE THE MOOSELIMB TERRORIST SAVAGES)

When you see a Freeper who signs his posts with ‘Nuke the Mooselimb Terrorist Savages’ turn on Trump, you know they’re serious. Not necessarily sane, but serious. The reality that their Golden Boy might be on the List of Epstein Kiddie Diddlers (if one actually exists) has to be massively discouraging for them. One way of dealing with that is to create NEW conspiracy theories to explain it. For example, there’s a contingent of Freepers who’ve decided to blame…guess who? That’s right; the Jews.

Ask Israel. They control The Stable Genius…
by Captainpaintball (America needs a Conservative DICTATOR if it hopes to survive. )

Everybody knows Trump and Bibi Netanyahu are BFFs. Combine that with the suggestion that Epstein was some sort of FBI/CIA/Mossad agent, and you’ve got another tasty conspiracy to dine on. But even better (and by ‘better’ I mean ‘more delusional’) are the Freepers who see all of this as part of Trump’s Super Secret Clever Plan to Thump the Democrats.

I think it’s POSSIBLE that genius Trump is making this too big to go away by showing a coverup. When the truth is released…we will get suicide after suicide with DimWITS and RINOs leading the way.
by politicianslie

My conspiracy theory. The Epstein files contain information that can bring down 0bama, Clinton, Clapper, Comey, Brennan… That is why they have to sit on the Epstein files
by Steven Tyler

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it. Trump promises to release the Epstein Files to get people excited, then claims the files don’t exists, which gets people even more excited. Eventually all that excitement will reach the boiling point and then Trump will hold a press conference and reveal…Hey Presto! The files DO exist! And they implicate ALL of Trump’s enemies! Genius! Applause and fireworks! A chorus of angels sing as the anti-MAGA deviants are led away to concentration camps in Sudan!

Jesus suffering fuck, dealing with MAGA is exhausting. I need a drink.

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IT’S A CULT

At this point no matter what you say, what facts or evidence is provided to them the Cultists will not change their world view.

When he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and they would still support him that seems to be true.

He is their world and they mindlessly follow his lead…right off a cliff if directed.

 

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How Many Levels Of Hell Are There? And Why Do I Think We Haven’t Reached The Lowest Level Yet?

‘shithole countries.’

that was Little Donny Fuckface’s adorable catch-all phrase for all those little African countries he had no interesting in learning the names of.

why do we let people from shithole countries come here, raged Donny in a White House meeting in 2018. why can’t we get more white people to immigrate, from places like Norway?

racists gonna racist, whatcha gonna do?

let’s watch what happens when America’s Racist-in-Chief sits down with the leaders of some of those ‘shithole countries’ and trots out his ignorance for all to see.

Donny: “thank you, and such good English. where did you learn to speak so beautifully? you were educated where?”
Liberia’s President Joseph Boakai: “Liberia.”
Donny: “in Liberia? that’s very interesting. beautiful English, too. I have people at this table can’t speak nearly as well.”

holy shit. could this ginormous asshole possibly be any more condescending?Donny can’t imagine that a black man from Africa — of all places! — would speak flawless English. surely, President Boakai must have left his native county — where they no doubt gibber incomprehensibly — to learn English at some prestigious university. was it Oxford? Cambridge?

no, you ignorant fuck, President Boakai learned English at home, from his parents. because fact check: English is the official language of Liberia.

it’s not ‘interesting’ that President Boakai speaks flawless English any more than it’s interesting that Donny barks out THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS in that coarse Queens, New York accent of his.

here’s a cool fact about Liberia: its nickname is ‘Little America.’ here’s why:

For nearly five decades, starting in 1820, some 13,000 freed American slaves and their families colonized the region as part of a privately organized repatriation effort. Having given itself a name reflecting the settlers’ liberation, Liberia declared itself an independent nation in 1847—Africa’s first.

Donny would have known this, if he had read the briefing papers his staffers probably don’t even bother to prepare any more, because their boss is a jackass who never does the reading.

read? are you fucking kidding me? that’s time Donny could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf. Donny knows what he imagines he knows — and that’s good enough for Donny.

I guarantee everything Donny “knows” about Africa comes from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons as a child in the 1940s.

we probably should all be grateful that Donny didn’t ask President Boakai if he’d ever cooked someone in a pot.

what a fucking embarrassment.

world leaders have learned how to deal with America’s volatile Toddler King: by flattering the shit out of him. here’s Bassirou Diomaye Faye, the president of Senegal (through a translator), pretending to give two fucks about golf.

“I know you are a tremendous golf player. golf requires concentration and precision, qualities that also make for a great leader. Senegal has exceptional opportunities to offer, including in the area of tourism. so, perhaps it would just be six hours by flight, from New York, from Miami, from Europe, or from the Gulf, and that would be an opportunity for you to show off your skills on the golf course, too.”

once again, none of this is normal. world leaders shouldn’t have to humiliate themselves, just to remain in the good graces of a broken-inside narcissist obsessed with settling scores over imaginary grievances. but this is how it the game is played now: diplomacy by extortion. you want something from the mob boss? pony up, bro. Qatar gave me a flying bordello. Syria’s letting me put up a golden tower in Damascus. whattaya got to offer, in that shithole country of yours? enough open land for a golf course? awesome.

kiss the ring and sign the damn check.

the thing is, all that ass-kissing is for naught — because Donny doesn’t give a fuck who any of these people are.

“maybe we’re gonna have to go a bit quicker than this, because we have a whole schedule. um, if I could just ask your name and your country, would be great. thank you, please.”

Donny hasn’t the slightest clue who he’s talking to, or where they’re from — and I guarantee you that he doesn’t care. snap it up, bro, I gotta whole schedule here, give me your name and country so I can immediately forget them, because I don’t give a fuck.

in fact, let’s all watch President Don’t Give a Fuck not give a fuck.

reporter: “do you expect any of the countries here to face tariffs as well?”

Donny: “uh, I haven’t thought of it, but maybe, I don’t know. let’s see, I like him, him, him, him, and him. no, I don’t think so, not too much. these are friends of mine now.”

sure they are. pro tip: people generally know their friends’ names, and don’t just go him, him, him.

imagine that Donny had a normal marriage — one where his Slovenian trophy wife didn’t loathe him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. imagine that Melania actually lived under the same roof as Donny, and that the two of them talked to each other over the dinner table. how would last night’s conversation had gone? like this, I’m sure:

“who did you meet with today, honey?”

“who the fuck cares.”

here’s the other embarrassing thing Donny did yesterday: he slapped a 50% tariff on Brazil. why, is it because we have that big a trade deficit with Brazil? fuck no. in fact, we have a trade SURPLUS with Brazil.

oh, huh. then why hit Brazil with punitive tariffs, if we’re running a surplus?

this is why: because Donny’s in a Big Mad because Brazil is prosecuting his despot bestie Jair Bolsonaro.

after losing his reelection bid in 2020, Bolsonaro tried to pull off his own January 6, and failed miserably — and because Brazil apparently doesn’t live in the same shittiest possible timeline that we do, they actually arrested Bolsonaro and are trying him for his crimes.

now, Bolsonaro doesn’t have his own Supreme Court to anoint him a Very Special Boy Who Can January 6 His Own Country — but he does have his very own Mad King Donnie, and Donny’s gonna tariff the bejeesus out of Brazil if they don’t cut that shit out.

Donny trying to impose American-style corruption onto a law-abiding nation is embarrassing enough, but what’s reallyembarrassing is the letter Donny sent to Brazilian President da Silva.

look at this incoherent piece of shit, with it oddball random capitalization, and fifth-grade-level vocabulary.

so unfair! so unfair! whines Donny, because of course he does.

The way that Brazil has treated former President Bolsonaro, a Highly Respected Leader throughout the World during his Term, including by the United States, is an international disgrace. This Trial should not be taking place. It is a Witch Hunt that should end IMMEDIATELY!

look at how it closes, above that psychotic Klan-hood signature of his.

You will never be disappointed with the United States of America.

spoiler alert: yes, we will be. yes, we are.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

fuck off.

it’s all so embarrassing.

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

here’s a fun thing that Republicans can do right now: go fuck themselves.

oh look, Texas’ doughiest pantload, the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun, has found himself a camera to stand in front of.

“I talked about the partisan finger-pointing … just immediately trying to use it, for either side to attack their political opponents, I think that’s cynical and not the right approach.”

okay. on the one hand, Ted is not entirely wrong, about knee-jerk finger-pointing from ‘either side.’ but on the other hand — hey, Ted, is this you?

in today’s Verdict With Ted Cruz podcast, we break down the catastrophic policy decisions made by elected politicians in California, made by Governor Gavin Newsom, made by Mayor Karen Bass … they put politics over the safety of the men and women in California..”

that video was posted on January 10, 2025, while parts of Los Angeles were burning to the ground. fires were still raging, but Ted Cruz couldn’t wait to politicize the shit out of that tragedy. he dove head-first into partisan finger-pointing with the same vigor he displays when elbowing his way to the front of an all-you-can-eat buffet in Cancun.

in fact, every Republican joined the let’s blame Democrats pile-on — and it wasn’t even legitimate criticism. it was the dumbest fucking hallucinatory bullshit imaginable.

Los Angeles, they said, burned down because of all the woke. because of diversity. because the Fire Commissioner was a woman. the horror! because mean old Gavin Newsom refused to open that imaginary faucet in Canada, causing all the fire hydrants to run dry.

fact check: it was a hurricane made of fucking fire.

those were 98-mile-per-hour winds that the LA Fire Department were dealing with.

where was Ted Cruz’s tut-tutting about let’s not engage in partisan finger-pointing when the Space Nazi not-tweeted this:

Libs of TikTok: “The LA Fire Dept passed a ‘racial equity plan’ to end ‘systemic, institutional, and structural racism’ in LA.”
Space Nazi: “They prioritized DEI over saving lives and homes.”

racism doesn’t get more racist than ‘LA burned because they let those peoplebe firefighters.’

where was Ted Cruz’s outrage when Fox News found object Jesse Waters shit his vile misogyny right into the waiting mouths of his audience?

“this right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is the leadership of the LA Fire Department. I sure hope they know what they’re doing.”

I guess Ted was too busy recording his own worthless podcast to notice.

and let us not forget President Stupid J. Fuckingmoron’s obsession with that imaginary spigot, which in this instance had apparently migrated from Canada to northern California.

“Governor Gavin Newscum should immediately go to Northern California and open up the water main, and let the water flow into his dry, starving, burning State, instead of having it go out into the Pacific Ocean. It ought to be done right now, NO MORE EXCUSES FROM THIS INCOMPETENT GOVERNOR. IT’S ALREADY FAR TOO LATE!”

remember the extortion racket that Republicans tried to pull, while the fires were still raging?

that was the genius plan of some fuckface congressman from Ohio. he wanted to punish every Californian by withholding aid unless Gavin Newsom personally raked every forest. all Republicans — including Fidel Cancun — were on board with that.

you want partisan finger-pointing? every time there’s a natural disaster in a Democratic-run state, Republicans use it as a chance to air grievances and settle scores.

here’s a golden oldie from 2018, during the Mad King’s first reign.

Mark Harvey, who was Trump’s senior director for resilience policy on the National Security Council staff, told E&E News on Wednesday that Trump initially refused to approve disaster aid for California after deadly wildfires in 2018 because of the state’s Democratic leanings.

in this instance, Donny wasn’t even trying to get California to change its policies. he just wanted to inflict pain on people he imagined didn’t vote for him, because fuck you, that’s why.

Donny’s appalled staff had to literally draw him a picture that showed that Orange County had in fact more Republicans than Democrats among its residents.

But Harvey said Trump changed his mind after Harvey pulled voting results to show him that heavily damaged Orange County, California, had more Trump supporters than the entire state of Iowa.

how presidential.

so please, tell me one more time how Democrats trying to figure out what went wrong during a tragedy where over a hundred people diedare engaging in partisan finger-pointing. that’s such a cute story.

Ted Cruz — and every Republican whining about politicizing the Texas flooding — can shut the fuck up.

oh, by the way, get a load of this: do you know where Ted Cruz was when disaster struck in Texas? he was vacationing in Greece.

Cruz was spotted Saturday visiting the Parthenon in the Greek capital of Athens along with his wife Heidi and their kids, according to the online news site. Back in his home state, emergency personnel searched for missing children swept away in the floodwaters of the Guadalupe River.

to be fair, this is just bad timing.

unlike the Cancun episode, when Cruz fled the country after the power grid failed in Texas, Ted and his family were already out of town when the waters rose. that’s not his fault — but how does this guy manage to always be somewhere else when shit goes sideways?

doesn’t he have a job?

yesterday, Donny got to have a playdate with his despot bestie Netanyahu — and he got to bring his Emotional Support Dunk-Tank Clown with him.

let’s listen in as the Mad King once again tells the heartwarming story of how Iran was courteous enough to schedule their bombing of an American military base so that didn’t get in the way of Dear Leader’s golf game.

“and you know we were, at the end, missiles were shot, and every single missile was shot out of the air, it was pretty amazing. that was sort of the end. and they told us they were coming and where they were and what time they were coming. and they said ‘if you’d like to have a different time, we’ll do that.’ and that’s respect, when they do that, I believe. I appreciated that they did that.”

this is at least the fourth time that Donny has publicly told this shameful story of how he gave an adversary permission to bomb the shit out of us.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a president who, when asked if one o’clock was a good time to have our military base attacked with deadly force, answered how about never? would never be a good time for you?

but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s face? look at this half-assed job he’s done of tarting himself up. the makeup stops well before his hairline. he’s given himself raccoon eyes, and he didn’t even try to cover his chin.

Donny insists on doing his own makeup — but he’s deteriorated to the point where he routinely fucks it up, just like he routinely fucks everything up.

Donny’s quickly approaching Bette-Davis-in-Whatever-Happened-to-Baby-Jane territory —

and we’re all just expected to ignore the fact that the Emperor has no brain.

this really is the stupidest possible timeline.

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I Miss Joe.

For the four years Biden was in office, not ONCE did I wake up and think, WTF did he do now?  I miss that.

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That’s easy. Are her lips flapping? She’s lying.

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Land of the WHAT?

We didn’t do any of this in America because everyone is focused on being so rich they can buy a small country or six yatchs instead of making sure everyone is safe and cared for.