Category: 2025

no, seriously. fuck you, ABC. fuck all the way off. start fucking off over here, and then just fuck yourself all the way over to there — and then keep on going, until you’ve fucked yourself right to the very edge of the universe.

and when you get there, eat the bowl of fuck that’s waiting for you.

if those previous two sentences seem familiar to you, that’s because — with the exception of substituting ABC for CBS — it’s how I opened my July 20, 2025 post, ‘CBS can pretty much fuck all the way off.’

and now, two months later, here we are all over again.

ABC announced on Wednesday evening that it was pulling Jimmy Kimmel’s late night show “indefinitely” after conservatives accused the longtime host of inaccurately describing the politics of the man who is accused of fatally shooting the right-wing activist Charlie Kirk.

unlike with CBS’s shitcanning of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, ABC and their parent company, Disney, aren’t even pretending to come up with some bullshit cover story about canceling the show for ‘financial reasons.’ no, they’re straight up admitting they just folded like a pack of cards.

“In the hours leading up to the decision to pull Jimmy Kimmel, two sources familiar with the matter say, senior executives at ABC, its owner Disney, and affiliates convened emergency meetings to figure out how to minimize the damage. Multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line, the two sources say, but the threat of Trump administration retaliation loomed.”

hey, do you know why ‘multiple execs felt that Kimmel had not actually said anything over the line’? because he fucking well didn’t cross any lines, that’s why.

here’s what Kimmel did say.

“we hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them, and doing everything they can to score political points from it. in between the finger-pointing, there was grieving. on Friday, the White House flew the flags at half staff which got some criticism but on a human level you can see how hard the president is taking this.”

Kimmel then plays the clip of Donny being asked how he’s ‘dealing with this loss of a friend,’ and blithering in response about his awesome new White House ballroom. Kimmel then concludes,

“yes, he’s at the fourth stage of grief: construction. demolition, construction. this is not how an adult grieves the murder of somebody he called a friend. this is how a four-year-old mourns a goldfish.”

just a late-night comedian, doing late-night comedian things. the horror.

let’s get real: Kimmel’s suspension has nothing to do with Charlie Kirk. that’s just a convenient pretext. the real reason is that the Mad King has had a grudge-shaped bug up his ass about Jimmy Kimmel Live since forever, because — just as with Colbert — Kimmel’s been using his show to mock Donny for years. the horror.

imagine being so thin-skinned and broken-inside that you can’t take a joke — that it ruins your entire day if someone mocks you. welcome to the fucked-up psyche of your average fascist. only Dear Leader gets to make jokes — at other peoples’ expense.

and now, with the entire media bending over backwards so as not to appear disrespectful of Charlie Kirk, what better time for Donny to settle a long-festering grievance?

“Frankly, when you see stuff like this — I mean, we can do this the easy way or the hard way,” FCC Chair Brendan Carr told the podcast’s host, Benny Johnson. “These companies can find ways to change conduct and take action, frankly, on Kimmel, or there’s going to be additional work for the F.C.C. ahead.”

‘the easy way or the hard way’? who talks like this? my god, every single one of Donny’s henchmen sounds like a cartoon mobster.

ABC and Disney just rolled right the fuck over and complied. it’s pure cowardice. here’s what I wrote two months ago about CBS and Paramount. again, you can swap in ABC and Disney.

CBS and Paramount are being cowards — and we don’t need any cowards right now. we’re all stocked up with cowards. we’ve got cowards up the yin-yang.

heroes, that’s what we’re in desperate need of.

no one ever went to bed with fascism and came up smelling like roses.

no one ever said gee, I’m so glad that faceless corporation collaborated with fascists.

fascist regimes come, and fascist regimes go. when this current nightmare finally runs its course, no one is going to say ‘wasn’t it awesome how Paramount slobbered all over Dear Leader’s shoes?’

the people we’re going to look back on with admiration will be the ones who stood up said ‘take your fascist bullshit and stick it where the sun don’t shine.’

unlike Colbert, who’s being allowed to continue his show until his contract runs out in May 2026, Kimmel’s show has already been yanked off the air. when will it return? no one knows. what is ABC airing in its place? who fucking cares, that’s what.

maybe ABC can just rerun old episodes of The Apprentice in place of Jimmy Kimmel Live. no, wait — why don’t they cancel every show, and just air The Apprentice all day long? I’ll bet Dear Leader would love that.

I understand it’s a great show. possibly the greatest show of all time. a show like no one’s ever seen. I’m told that big, strong network programming executives, tears in their eyes, come up to Donny all the time and say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever had a catchphrase like “you’re fired” before. how do you do it? sir!’

hey, you know who still has his show? this sociopath.

Brian Fucking Kilmeade, who absolutely covered himself in glory last week when he opined that the ‘solution’ to the issue of homeless Americans is just to kill them all.

Kilmeade gets to stay on the air and vomit vile hatred to his heart’s content, while Jimmy Kimmel is cordially invited to go fuck himself.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s —
speaking truth to power, 0
calling for the slaughter of the powerless, 1

this is some bullshit.

let’s give the final word on this topic to former Obama advisor and current podcast host Dan Pfeiffer.

“The amount of cowardice being shown by the corporate media is galling If the press won’t fight for the First Amendment, who will?”

who, indeed?

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when I told Ms. Spouse I was writing about Jimmy Kimmel today, she sighed and said, ‘can’t you write about Melania’s hat?’ — and the answer is yes. yes I can.

ladies and gentlemen, I offer you the spectacle of what Dear Leader’s Slovenian trophy wife wore to meet the King and Queen of England.

in case you can’t find her in this photo, she’s standing to the right of Camilla. what is she wearing? is she trying to scare Donny into thinking the Grim Reaper’s finally come for him?

and, once again, as Jesus sagely counseled us in his Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

the British people — they’re so polite. so thoughtful. so caring and compassionate. amazing hosts.

Little Donny Fuckface is in England right now, spending the next two days at Windsor Castle — and the locals have spared no effort to make America’s Mad King feel not just welcomed, but loved.

the Brits know that Donny gets homesick every time he leaves his native land, so they’re making sure that no matter where Donny goes during his visit, he’ll always be reminded of his dead pedo bestie.

Ahead of the U.S. president’s arrival in London on Tuesday, Sept. 16, a British activist group unfurled a massive banner featuring an image of Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on the path leading to Windsor Castle, where the president and first lady Melania Trump will spend a significant portion of their visit.

isn’t that sweet? the British people wanted nothing more than for Donny to be able to look out the windows of Windsor Castle and go ‘there he is. we shared so many wonderful secrets together.’

as advertised, the fucking thing is ginormous.

and — oh look! — the activist group Led By Donkeys is projecting a ‘Donny and his dead pedo bestie’s greatest hits’ slide show onto the side of the Castle.

I sure hope Donny thanks them for their attention to this matter.

we definitely need to gif that shit, for posterity’s sake.

someone even put Epstein merch on display in the Windsor Castle gift shop.

thank you, England, for going the extra mile (kilometer?) and Making Dead Pedo Besties Great Again.

now, let’s go live inside Windsor Castle and get Melania’s reaction to all this Epsteinstalgia.

I hope getting to relive a few of his most treasured moments calmed Donny down a bit, because he sure was touchy while he was on his way to Fuckface Force One.

reporter: “should a president in office be engaged in so much business activity?”

Donny: “I’m really not. my kids are running the business. you know what the activity— where are you from?”

reporter: “I’m from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation.”

Donny: “you’re hurting Australia right— in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now. and they want to get along with me. you know, your— your leader is coming over to see me very soon. I’m going to tell them about you. you set a very bad tone. quiet.”

oh, boo fucking hoo. listen to this whiny, petulant child. ‘in my opinion, you are hurting Australia very much right now.’

yeah, we’ll, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.

I’m sorry, but are we on the front lawn of the White House, or are we on a kindergarten playground? it’s really hard to tell, with President Diaperload bellyaching like a toddler who got his fee-fees hurt. ‘you said a bad thing. I’m going to tell on you, and then you’ll be sorry.’ how fucking mature.

you do that, Donny. I’m sure that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese gives a shit that one of ‘his’ reporters was very, very mean to you. let’s go live to Australia, right now, for the PM’s reaction.

oh wait, President Sorehead isn’t finished braying like a jackass.

reporter: “what do you think of Pam Bondi saying she’s going to go after hate speech? a lot of your allies say hate speech is free speech.”

Donny: “she’ll probably go after people like you, because you treat me so unfairly, it’s hate. you have a lot of hate in your heart. maybe they’ll come after ABC.”

welcome to the new normal, where both Dear Leader and Pam Bondi labor under the mistaken impression that being mean to conservatives is somehow against the law.

spoiler alert: no she fucking can’t.

who knows, maybe Pam Bondi and Jeanine Pirro are having a contest to see who can produce the most failed prosecutions — because no grand jury in the universe is going to approve an indictment against some dude who wouldn’t print a poster.

in fact, let’s go live right now, to one of those grand jurors, for his reaction.

Bondi and Donny are so high on their own supply right now — and that reporter Donny threatened is right. conservatives are not happy with Bondi.

Matt Walsh’s head is about to explode right now.

okay, all the dumbfuckery about ‘left wing terror cells’ is batshit insane, and very par for Matt’s course — but that first bit, about firing Pam Bondi for her prosecutorial overreach? man, it’s heartbreaking.

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Donny hasn’t blown any Venezuelan fishing boats out of the water today (as far as we know), which is def a good thing — because even Republicans are starting to go dude, what the fuck?

The Trump administration is facing growing calls from former government officials — including some in Republican administrations — to offer a legal justification for President Donald Trump’s two missile strikes this month on boats allegedly piloted by members of a Venezuelan drug cartel.

Those experts say the use of such force outside of war blurs the legal distinction between law enforcement and military actions and comes amid calls on Capitol Hill to curtail Trump’s military powers.

here’s the beauty part. check out who gets quoted in this article.

“There has to be a line between crime and war,” said John Yoo, a former deputy assistant attorney general under President George W. Bush. “We can’t just consider anything that harms the country to be a matter for the military. Because that could potentially include every crime.”

John Fucking Yoo. there’s name you probably haven’t heard in years.

in case you don’t remember John Yoo, he was the author of the famous ‘torture memo’ that provided George W. Bush with a “legal” justification for all the evil shit that went on in places like Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

yeah, that guy. Mister Human Rights.

you know you’ve royally fucked up when the bro who told Bush that it was totes okay to repeatedly waterboard the shit out of innocent Afghani goat herders says that lobbing missiles at fishermen is a bridge too far.

oh my god, could the worst fucking people in the world please stop breaking my heart?

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

even though signs point to the shitbag who killed Charlie Kirk being a far-right ‘groyper’ with a rifle and a grudge, Republicans fanned out on the Sunday shows yesterday with the singular message of ‘Democrats, this is all your fault, because reasons.’

let us document the atrocities.

let’s start with the limpest dick in American politics, House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson. Holy Mike’s complaint is why do Democrats alla time have to be so mean?

“people have got to stop framing simple policy disagreements in terms of existential threats to our democracy. you can’t call the other side fascists and enemies of the state and not understand that there are some deranged people in our society who will take that as cues to act.”

the fucking nerve of this guy. Holy Mike is pissing on all of our heads right now, and going ‘mmm, doesn’t that refreshing rain feel great?’

tell us, Mike, what are these ‘simple policy disagreements’ that ‘our side’ is blowing all out of shape? is it ‘should the US military invade a state,’ is that a simple disagreement? how about ‘should states redraw their maps in order to rig elections’? oh, here’s one: ‘should a president get to declare that he “has the right to do anything he wants”’?

maybe it’s just me, but all those things sound absolutely like ‘existential threats to our democracy.’

spoiler alert: yes, these are indeed literal existential threats to democracy. Donny Convict believes he should have all the power, and should be above the law at all times. he wants to remain in office indefinitely. all of this is fundamentally anti-American. our founders would shit their breeches if they could see what has become of their ‘grand experiment.’

Holy Mike wants to downplay all that. c’mon, he says, it’s just two sides bickering. what’s with all the rhetoric?

hey, Mike — is this your guy?

help me here, is ‘should Liz Cheney face a firing squad’ a ‘simple policy disagreement’?

now Mike, what was that were you saying about how it’s unacceptable to call someone a fascist? I’m asking because ABC News has put together a supercut of the numerous times that Donny Convict has done exactly that.

in one of those clips, Donny calls Kamala Harris a “marxist communist fascist socialist.”

how does that even work? what are the tenets of marxocommunofascosocialism? I’d really love to know.

oh, you don’t want to be called ‘Nazi’? it hurts your fee-fees? then stop pulling shit like this:

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let’s move on Donny’s personal lapdog, Lindsey Graham.

Old Linz is very sad right now, because things just aren’t like they used to be, back in them there good old days.

 

“this is viewed by many people in the MAGA movement, conservatives like myself, as an attack on the movement, and not just traditional political violence, and I really believe that.”

wait wait wait wait wait wait JUST ONE FUCKING MINUTE HERE.

‘traditional political violence,’ what’s that? is there some Grand Old Tradition of Acceptable Political Violence, some halcyon time that Old Linz here would like to return to?

might it be the good old days when you’d use a flagpole to beat the shit out of a cop because you were mad about losing an election?

how about when neo-Nazis marched in Charlottesville, and chanted ‘Jews will not replace us’? Dear Leader literally called these shitheads ‘very fine people.’

was this ‘traditional political violence’? or was it a ‘simple policy disagreement’ over ‘should Jews replace us, or what?’

politics can be so confusing!

here’s a fun chart, created by Alex Nowrasteh of the right-wing Cato Institute. blue is left-wing political violence, and red is right-wing political violence, categorized by each decade from 1975 to now.

I’m seeing a lot more red than blue.

(Alex explains his methodology in a long substack post here.)

I’d love for Lindsey Graham to tell us which decade had the most traditionalpolitical violence. I’m guessing it’s 1995–2004.

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here are a lot of things that have never happened to Crown Prince of the Library Paste Eaters, Eric Trump — but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assert that the story we’re about to hear is the thing that has never happened to Eric Trump the most.

“as I was showing up to the studio, there was an older Jamaican man who came up to me in very broken English and said, ‘Mr Trump, I’m very sorry about Charlie Kirk. he was an amazing Christian. I am Charlie Kirk.’”

isn’t that cute? Eric is trying to tell a ‘sir’ story — and he’s so fucking bad at it.

so, this ‘older Jamaican man,’ his massive biceps rippling in the morning sun, tears of gratitude streaming down his age-lined face, came up to Eric Trump and spoke ‘very broken English’?

why would his English be broken? English is the official language of Jamaica.

come on, you know that if some Jamaican dude wandered up to Eric, the first thing Eric would do would be to shout ‘get away from me, I don’t have any money’ — and then tell his Secret Service detail to ‘get this guy outta here.’

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lastly, let’s check in with the fuckwit who knows more about numbers than all the number-counter-thingy people.

reporter: “the president of Venezuela called the strike on the boat illegal. are you concerned that Maduro might escalate something?”

Donny: “what’s illegal are the drugs that were on the boat, and the drugs that are being sent into our country, and the fact that 300 million people died last year from drugs.”

dear lord. can somebody please get Donny a pudding cup and help him to bed? he’s sundowning again.

I have a question for President Math Whiz, and it goes like this: if the United States has a total population of 340 million people, and 300 million of them die from illegal drugs, leaving 40 million people, and then the price of prescription drugs is lowered by 1,500%, what is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?

this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 1,994th day.

despite their high-minded tut-tut harrumph-harrumph rhetoric, none of these Republican shitweasels actually wants healing, or an end to divisiveness. keeping us all at each other’s throats works in their favor. do you know what’s written on page one of the Oligarchs’ Playbook?

‘keep the people ignorant and fighting each other, and they won’t notice the plutocrats picking their pockets.’

but there is one thing that whole country can in fact unite over: release the full Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

it’s what Charlie Kirk would have wanted.

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this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.