Category: 45 Lies…ALWAYS

Posted on

Tuesday Madness

it's a well-known fact that expertise is not the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns' strong suit. pretty much the whole worthless lot of them are low-voltage ignoramuses who don't know shit about shit.

look no further than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. he doesn't know how germs work. the Director of Homeland Security doesn't know how human rights work. the Defense Secretary doesn't know how sobriety works. neither does the Attorney for the District of Columbia.

how about the imbecile who rules them all? Dear Leader hasn't a clue how not being a ginormous fuckwad works.

so none of us should be surprised that, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, Donny's new head of FEMA was all 'hurri-what now?'

Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.

The remark was made during a briefing by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May.

hurricane season, David. how do you not know about hurricane season? look, bro, let me explain. every year, starting in June and continuing through November, conditions in the Caribbean— holy shit, David, did your eyes glaze over already? what the fuck?

where does Donny find these people?

the obvious guess would be Fox News — but I'm looking at Richardson's bio page at FEMA.com and he's not from Fox. another fun fact gleaned from David's bio is that he's a combat veteran and an expert in dealing with WMDs — which is pretty fucking cool, but not a qualification to head FEMA. in fact, there's nothing in his resume about emergency management, which — spoiler alert — is what the E and the M in FEMA stand for.

look, I know that Mad King Donny hates FEMA and wants to kill it — and the best way to do that is hire some unqualified toady to mismanage the shit out of the joint — but how did this guy somehow not even hear about hurricane season by accident?

it's fucking impressive that David Richardson has apparently gone his whole life without walking past a TV, hearing the words 'hurricane season,' and having it sink into his dome by osmosis.

Richardson now claims he was just joshing. yeah, right. that's the standard Sewer Clown dodge whenever one of them gets caught committing a stupid. come one, it was all a big joke. where's your sense of humor?

fact check: the ignorance. it burns.

while we're on the subject of not knowing, White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett apparently doesn't understand how the passage of time works.

George Stephanopoulos: "when will we see an actual trade agreement? will we see any this week?"

Hassett: "I expected we were probably going to see one perhaps as early as last week."

very nice Jedi mind trick there from Kevin Hassett. when asked if something will happen this week, Kevin makes a bold prediction about what will happen last week — and then gets it wrong.

beautiful stuff. peak Sewer Clown.

fact check: on April 12, Mad King Donny announced that he would be making "90 deals in 90 days." fifty-two days have passed since then. we have yet to see one deal.

Kasie Hunt: "did you ever witness Elon Musk under the influence of drugs?"

Hassett: "not in a million years. he's a person who is so filled with joy that it's just a natural way that he is."

oh, please. check out the Space Nazi's behavior during his fake-farewell press conference last Friday.

fact check: he's zonked out of his fucking mind.

oh yeah. that's natural. no drug use at all, uh huh. clearly, the guy is just high on life.

let's gif that shit for posterity's sake.

does House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson understand how not lying works?

Kristen Welker: "if the big beautiful bill does add to the debt, will Trump own it?"

Holy Mike: "it's not gonna add to the debt."

Welker: "experts say this will add trillions to the deficit. can you really guarantee this will not add one penny of debt?"

Holy Mike: "I'm telling you this is going to reduce the deficit."

fact check: the 'big beautiful bill' is going to explode the deficit.

Six Nobel laureate economists said a massive budget bill passed by House lawmakers last month and backed by President Trump would weaken key safety-net programs while greatly lifting the federal debt.

The tax and spending package, which Republicans have dubbed the "one big beautiful bill," would hurt millions of Americans by slashing Medicaid and food stamps, the economists wrote in a June 2 letter on behalf of the Economic Policy Institute, a left-leaning think tank.

gee, who to believe — six Nobel laureates or the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker's gavel? it's a goddamned conundrum.

I have a question: isn't Holy Mike supposed to be a big proponent of the Bible?

I'm no Biblical scholar, but I seem to recall that the Good Book has this whole section in it with all these thou shalt nots — and I'm pretty sure one of the bigger shalt nots is 'lie your fucking face off.' I get the general sense that the Bible frowns on that kind of shit.

oh wait, maybe Holy Mike isn't lying. perhaps he's just a person who is so filled with joy that he's just naturally optimistic.

yeah, that's it.

here's your hero of the day: actor Nick Offerman, probably best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation.

June is Pride Month — so of course the worst people in the world are rage-loading their diapers over ThE gAyS refusing to remain in the closet.

when Mike Flynn Jr — the Don Jr of the treasonous Flynn clan — tried to hijack a Ron Swanson meme and use it to broadcast his own rampant homophobia, here's how Nick ripped him a new one.

"Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride"

fact check: true.

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Tuesday Madness

Once more from Mr. Tiedrich:

it's time to leave Joe Biden the fuck alone

Republicans are being shitweasels again

in the wake of Joe Biden's heartbreaking announcement that he's been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, Republicans are reacting as they always do — by being horrible. each and every one of them is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.

let's start with this vile shitgoblin

I think it's very sad, actually. I'm surprised that it— wasn't— y'know, the public wasn't notified a long time ago. 'cause to get to stage nine, that's a long time. I just had my physical. you saw that. you saw the results of that particular test. I think that test is standard to uh, pretty much anybody. getting a physical. good physical. we had the doctors at the White House and over at Walter Reed which is a fantastic hospital do it, I did a very complete physical, including cognitive tests, I'm proud do announce I aced it."

I have a question: how long has Sundowning Grandpa Fuckface had stage nine dementia? because there's no such thing as 'stage nine' cancer.

the stages only go up to four. Donny would know that if he ever bothered to listen to anyone for more than two seconds before losing interest and making it all about himself.

listen to this preening fuckwad drone on for the thousandth time about 'acing' his cognitive test. we get it, Donny. you were able to point to a drawing of a camel. good for you. help yourself to a lollypop on your way out of the doctor's office.

who the fuck is Donny to accuse any other person of lying about their health?

we have never seen one legitimate, detailed medical report on Donny. what we get are bullet-point summaries written by day-drinking quacks who fart out ludicrous claims like Donny will live to be 200 years old.

the press never questions any of this laughable shit.

we're told that Donny's ear got blown to pieces by a would-be assassin's bullet and then magically grew back within days — with no scarring — and reporters just nod their heads and write it all down.

we're told that Donny is 6 feet and 3 inches tall and weighs 224 pounds.

yeah, right.

would any of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media like to maybe write a book on how Donny's brain went fuckity-bye a long, long time ago? now, that would be a page-turner. you could probably do a whole chapter on how Donny got outwitted by a fucking box.

it's a box. it has a lid that flips up — and Preznit Shitforbrains is completely flummoxed by it. Donny has to hand the thing it off to some flunky who does the job in two literal seconds.

for those of you keeping score at home, it's —

Donny: 0
fucking box: 1

imagine for one hot second that it was Joe Biden up there, befuddled by cardboard. Fox News would be playing it on an endless loop.

Couchfuck McGee can fuck all the way off.

"whether the right time to have this conversation is now or some time in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job."

this sectional sexpest is gaslighting us at warp factor nine. say what you want about Joe Biden's health — he fucking crushed it as president. he was more than capable — he practically worked miracles.

Joe inherited an economy that had been ravaged due to Donny's mismanagement of the covid pandemic — and by the end of his term, we had prosperity and record low unemployment. America's economic recovery from covid was stronger — and happened faster — than any other country on the planet.

now look at what's happened since Biden left office. in just four months, Donny and Couchfuck have taken that robust economy and turned America into a third-world hellhole that can't pay its bills, can't feed its people, and can no longer predict when a fucking tornado might hit.

A forecasting office in Jackson, Ky., which was directly in the line of Friday night's tornadoes, is one of four no longer with enough staff to operate at all times.

JD and Donny are trying to hoodwink the public into believing the exact opposite of reality — that they're the one's who rescued America from Biden's incompetence. up is down. black is white.

it's flagrant horse shit. do you think any of our worthless scribs might want to write a book about that?

Oklahoma Rep Markwayne Mullin can fuck all the way off.

"it's interesting the timing of them releasing the cancer, right? It seems like since the Hur tapes were released, they're like, 'hey wait, it might be a good time to distract the American people and talk about his cancer.'"

we're being gaslighted again.

Markwayne Mullin wants us to believe that Joe Biden was sitting on his cancer diagnosis — and not doing anything about it — so he could use it as a political distraction if the need ever arose. that makes no fucking sense.

Robert Hur, in case you don't recall, is the Republican stooge who was apppointed by that ineffectual cum-sock Merrick Garland to investigate the classified docs Biden found in his garage. Hur cleared Biden of any culpability in that incident — but on his way out the door, he turned in a hit-piece of a report that painted Biden as "an elderly man with a poor memory" who couldn't remember when his son Beau died.

as I wrote at the time,

Hur made the whole thing up. yesterday morning, just before the hearing started, the Washington Post published the transcript of Hur's five-hour-long interview with Biden — and oh, look: here's Biden's actual answer to the question:

"What month did Beau die? Oh God, May 30."

here's a thing Robert Hur actually said to Joe Biden during his interview: "you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall."

no, Biden isn't using his cancer diagnosis as a distraction from the Hur tapes. Donny is using the Hur tapes as a distraction from him fucking America's economy straight into the ground.

now, here's some shitbucket who thinks Jill Biden should go to jail. he can fuck all the way off.

Leo Terrell isn't just some neo-Nazi adjacent rando on the internet. he's Senior Counsel to the Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division of the Department of What Used To Be Known As Justice.

oh great, another Sewer Clown flunky who casually suggests that his political opponents should be thrown in jail. what could go wrong?

know who has been the one decent Republican through all of this? Meghan McCain.

fuck every other Republican for making me agree with Meghan McCain.

Joe Biden is going through some serious shit right now. let's leave him alone and focus on what's right in front of us: a bunch of democracy-hating authoritarians led by an insane megalomaniac are destroying our government right before our very eyes, so they can replace it with the Forever Rule of Mad King Donny.

'should Joe Biden have withdrawn from the race sooner' and 'should Joe Biden have managed his health better' are topics worth exploring some day — but today is not that day. we don't have the luxury of having those conversations right now — not when there's so much fuckery afoot.

the conversation we need to be having right now is how do we fight fascism?

let's fucking go.

and let's give the final word to the Onion, because this headline perfectly encapsulates all the insanity going on right now.

 

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Tuesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

rejoice, America! Dear Leader's gonna lower the price of the 'fat shot drug'

what the fuck is Donny gibbering about?

yesterday at the White House, a bewildered old man in obvious cognitive decline somehow wandered in off the street. the Secret Service must have taken pity on the pathetic old coot, because they did nothing to stop him as he shuffled into the Oval Office and started free-associating into the microphone.

"I'll tell you a story, a friend of mine who's a business…man, very very very top guy, most of you would have heard of him. highly neurotic. brilliant businessman. uh, seriously overweight. and he takes the fat— the fat shot…drug. and he called me up, and he said, uh, president— he calls me president, he used to call me Donald, now he calls me president, so that's nice respect, but he's a rough guy, smart guy. very successful, very rich. I wouldn't even know how he would know this but, 'cause he's got comments, 'uh president, could I ask you a question?' I said what. 'I'm in London and I just paid for this damned fat drug I take.' I said 'it's not working.' he said, he said, 'I just paid eighty-eight dollars and in New York I paid thirteen hundred dollars, what the hell is going on?'"

what the fuck was that?

are you telling me that was the actual president of the United States up there, gibbering like a lunatic?

that was the kind of disjointed tale your demented granddad might fart out at the dinner table, right before falling asleep face down in his mashed potatoes.

what we got is a variation of the classic "sir story," where Donny typically meets up with some fictional blue collar dude who bursts into tears of gratitude upon getting to meet Dear Leader.

now we have a "president story," where Donny is apparently besties with Jabba the Billionaire, some 'very very very top guy' who evidently tips the scales at over a fucking ton.

Jabba's dealing with his weight issues by mainlining what Donny calls 'the fat shot drug.'

Donny's no doubt talking about Ozempic, right? he's reading off prepared notes, so why doesn't he just say that? I guess that Dear Leader is so illiterate that when his eyes got to a word that began with 'ozy,' his brain seized up and his panicked mouth had to hastily improvise 'the fat shot drug.'

nice bit of fat-shaming, too, with 'I said it's not working.'

'bro, you're a fucking whale' is a pile of stones that President Glass House definitely shouldn't be throwing at anyone.

but I digress.

Donny had called that press conference in order to announce his latest and awesomest executive order, one in which he was going to lower the prices of all prescription drugs by at least a skillionty percent, and maybe even more.

nice bit of Sewer Clown Theater, too, with Donny flanked by fake-diet-pill-scammer Dr. Oz, and heath nut Bobby Brainworms Jr, who was just back from taking his grandkids for a healthy swim in a bacteria-infected creek.

how does Donny imagine he's going to accomplish these lower costs? apparently by demanding real hard — because (let's say it one more time) executive orders are not laws.

Executive orders are issued from the executive branch of the government, specifically the U.S. President. An executive order is not a law in the sense that it does not go through the legislative process. It is not binding on everyone, only on employees of the executive branch.

last time I looked, multinational pharmaceutical conglomerates are not part of the US executive branch — so Big Pharma can pretty much tell Donny to piss straight up a rope, and he can't do shit about it.

Donny's insistence that he can lower drug costs through kingly fiat is so nonsensical that even The New York Times had no choice but to commit a journalism and point out that Dear Leader was blowing smoke up an entire nation's ass.

President Trump on Monday signed an executive order asking drugmakers to voluntarily reduce the prices of key medicines in the United States.

But the order cites no obvious legal authority to mandate lower prices.

the order cites no legal authority, because Donny has no legal authority.

let's back up and take a look at the larger context: there shouldn't have been any need for Donny to issue his idiotic order in the first place — because if Donny had just done nothing at all, we would already have lower drug prices.

in August of last year, the Biden administration announced that they were lowering the prices on prescription drugs.

how did Team Biden accomplish this? by negotiating with drug makers.

HHS has reached agreements with all participating manufacturers on new negotiated, lower drug prices for the first 10 drugs selected for the Medicare drug price negotiation program.

cool deal, right? not bad for the guy who got hounded out of the presidential race for being icky and old and probably already dead.

hey, you'll never guess what Mad King Donny did on the VERY FIRST DAY of his second reign: he look one look at those lowered drug prices and said fuck that shit and fuck it hard.

On Monday, Trump signed a sweeping order aimed in part at reversing several Biden administration executive orders on health care, including efforts to lower the cost of prescription drugs for people on Medicare and Medicaid, enhancing the Affordable Care Act and increasing protections for Medicaid enrollees. The so-called initial rescissions order, according to the Trump White House, is aimed at Biden policies that it says are "deeply unpopular" and "radical."

why would Donny deliberately screw over the American public like that? say it with me: because fuck you, that's why.

so now, four months later, Donny's got a cunning plan to bring drug prices back down to where they already would have been if only he had just done nothing.

here's a question: Donny's supposed to be the greatest deal-maker of all time, right? so why didn't he just negotiate with the drug makers, like Sleepy Joe Brandon did?

because kings don't negotiate, duh! they just break shit they don't understand, and then pretend to fix it.

you're welcome, peons.

can someone please develop a 'smart shot drug' and jab it into Dear Leader's ass? please?

here are your heroes of the day: this group of high school students on a field trip to the US Capitol. they had a very important question for GOP Rep. Brian Jack:

"why is Trump so orange?"

and now, through the magic of the internet, we can reveal why.

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Vomiting It All Up…And It's Only Monday 😫

Trump: 'I run the country and the world'

President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he's leading "the country and the world."

"The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys," Trump said in the interview published Monday. "And the second time, I run the country and the world."

 

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It's Happening

From Palmer Report:

Last month I wrote that by the time we got to the hundred day mark in Donald Trump's presidency, if he was unpopular enough, House and Senate Republicans would begin selfishly prioritizing their own reelection prospects over their support of Trump. You can almost never count on Republicans to do the honest thing, but you can nearly always count on them to do the self interested thing.

We're still only sixty-seven days into this debacle, which means that in theory Trump should still have some more time to get his act together. But the funny thing about political scandals – real scandals, the ones that move the ground under everyone's feet – is that they can throw all the timetables out the window.

This brings us to Donald Trump's Signal-gate scandal (it's going to need a better name than that). Half of Trump's top handpicked people, including Pete Hegseth, JD Vance, Mike Waltz, John Ratcliffe, and Tulsi Gabbard, are now embroiled in a scandal that keeps getting worse by the hour. It was bad enough that they all committed a felony just by discussing military attack plans in Signal. They've since all blown the coverup entirely. They can't get their stories straight, it's top headline news every day, and it's just not going away. Trump's refusal to fire anyone over it is making it an even bigger scandal.

Suddenly it no longer appears to matter that Trump is still in his first hundred days. He had his chance to make this scandal go away by firing people, and he missed his window. Now he's at a point where he'll probably end up having to fire people over this in the end, and it still won't make the scandal go away.

How do we know this? Because House and Senate Republicans are now making it very clear (not with their words but with their actions) that they know this scandal is toxic and isn't going away. On Thursday the Republican House forced Trump to pull the plug on his cabinet nomination of Elise Stefanik, for fear the Democrats could win the resulting special election and take control of the House. That's a Republican plus-nine district. But things are just that ugly for Trump and his Republican Party right now.

The Republican Senate is also taking its own first steps toward insulating itself from Trump's Signal-gate implosion. The Republican Chair and the Democratic Ranking Member of the Senate Armed Services Committee have jointly asked the Department of Defense Inspector General to investigate this scandal. We know that Trump and Hegseth aren't going to allow the DOD to investigate this. But this letter is the Senate's precursor to launching its own investigation into the matter, likely complete with public hearings where all of these Trump buffoons will have to testify (or make the headlines even worse for themselves by fighting the subpoenas in court).

We all know that the Republican House and Senate won't go one inch further in this direction than they think is necessary to protect their own reelection prospects. But they are indeed going in this direction. As has been said many times, ignore their words and instead focus on their actions. House and Senate Republicans are afraid that this Trump scandal will cost them their seats and majorities unless they selfishly do something to distance themselves from it. Whether you trust them or not – and you shouldn't – this does tell you just how damaging and long lasting this scandal is going to be.

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Fucktacular!

From Jeff Tiedrich:

want to construct a clusterfuck? it's easy.

start with the smoking rubble of a burned-out brain in steep cognitive decline. add a dollop of acute megalomania. pour in a generous amount of greed. now add the impulse control of a coked-up squirrel. toss in some ignorance, along with the inability to learn from mistakes, or even admit that mistakes were made.

now take that shitpile of defects, shake well, and bingo! you've ended up with Donny Convict's completely incoherent tariff policies.

on February 2nd, Donny announced he was slapping a 25% tariff on all Canadian and Mexican imports. markets crashed — the Dow dropped 600 points in one day.

the very next day, Donny announced that he was putting a month-long hold on the tariffs, because both Canada and Mexico agreed to his list of demands. the markets calmed down.

but then out of the clear blue, Donny was all fuck it, ima do these tariffs anyway — starting tomorrow. have fun!

markets freaked out all over again. so did business leaders.

Fox Business interviewed the owner of a Pennsylvania auto dealership. the poor schnook is at his wit's end over what's happening.

"I had an order from a customer. $80,000 truck. it's a hundred thousand dollars now. so he's not gonna buy the truck. it's gonna sit on my lot. and you know, the higher interest rates we're paying now for floor space. and nobody's going to buy the truck, because it just had a twenty thousand dollar price increase."

and then, yesterday —

Donald Trump has temporarily spared carmakers from sweeping US tariffs on goods from Canada and Mexico, one day after an economic strike on the US's two biggest trading partners sparked warnings of widespread price increases and disruption.

After a call with top executives at General Motors, Ford and Stellantis, however, Trump approved a one-month exemption from tariffs on "any autos coming through" the US, Mexico and Canada, the White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, announced on Wednesday.

The exemption has been granted "at the request of the companies," Leavitt told reporters, "so they are not at an economic disadvantage."

so, Mister Car Dealer no longer has to worry about that truck that was going to be sitting on his lot, taking up space. how convenient.

Donny's reckless tariffs impacts all industries — so why did he choose to cut the auto industry some slack? because they're big, powerful fat cats who can be relied on to shovel money into Donny's pockets.

that's the way it's gonna be from now on. the plutocrats with the scratch — the corner-office honchos who can plunk down five mil for private dinners with Dear Leader at Motel-a-Lago — they're going to get all kinds of special carve-outs to Donny's tariffs. one hand washes the other.

he little guys who can't afford to pay-for-play — the ones who don't have Donny on speed dial — well, they're going to be cordially invited, as always, to go fuck themselves raw.

mind you, Canada isn't taking any of this fuckery lying down.

if you're a Canadian right now with a hankering for some California wine, or Kentucky bourbon, forget about it. that shit's been taken off the shelves.

The Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO), one of the largest buyers of alcohol in the world, removed US-made alcoholic drinks from its shelves on Tuesday.

don't fuck with Canada. they're not playing around — and the Canadian public thinks this shit's hilarious.

US distilleries are less than thrilled.

March 5 (Reuters) – Jack Daniel's maker Brown-Forman's (BFb.N), CEO Lawson Whiting said on Wednesday Canadian provinces taking American liquor off store shelves was "worse than a tariff" and a "disproportionate response" to levies imposed by the Trump administration.

reporter: "respectfully, It's just 43 pounds that were found last year. that's less than a carry-on suitcase. is that a lot of fentanyl compared to, say, Mexico? the vast majority of fentanyl is brought in though Mexico, not Canada. so what else does Canada need to do?"

Karoline Leavitt: "last year alone, there was a 2000% increase in illegal fentanyl."

Reporter: "it was only 43 pounds, Karoline."

that's a verifiable fact — but Donny and his toadies are going to keep pretending otherwise.

Leavitt, by the way, was not pleased about being fact-checked by a reporter doing his job. check out her totally mature reaction.

You're asking me for what the president's justification is for these tariffs. It's not up to you. You're not the president, Gabe!" Leavitt snapped.

"And frankly, I think it's a little bit disrespect-ul [sic] to the families in this country that have lost loved ones at the hands of this deadly poison.

hissy much, Karoline?

and oh look, Team Donny has invented a whole new reason to be mad at Canada.

when last we saw Peter Navarro, he was being mocked mercilessly by the legendary Anarchy Princess while on his way to prison for contempt of Congress

well, Big Pete's done his time. he's back in Donny's good graces and has an office at the White House.

here he is, dropping a whole new truth bomb on Fox News, with his unique blend of ignorance and arrogance.

"Canada has been taken over by Mexican cartels."

don't you love how these bold-face fucksticks just keep piling fantastical new lies on top of the old lies?

Peter, are these Mexican cartels in the room with us right now? no, they're not—because apparently they're right inside Justin Trudeau's office—much in the same way the Space Nazi shares the Oval Office with Donny.

for all we know, there's probably the son of some drug lord, right now, wiping his snots all over Canada's version of the Resolute Desk.

so, for those of you keeping score at home,

— we have to take over Canada because it's being run by Mexico.
— we have to take over Panama because it's being run by China.
— we have to take over Greenland because it's being run by … fuck it, who cares. we're gonna invade them anyway.
— and the one country that really does need our protection because they've been attacked by Russia, they can go eat an entire bag of dicks, because Zelensky was very mean to Dear Leader.

here are your heroes of the day.

when some DOGE dipshits showed up at the headquarters of the U.S. African Development Foundation (a division of USAID) and demanded to be let in, staffers working there were all yeah, you pimply teenage incels can fuck all the way off.

thank you, USADF, for showing everyone how it's done.

 

 

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Fuck The Felon

When you continuously diss your closest ally while at the very same time voting WITH the Axis of Evil you should be treated like the syphilitic septuagenarian who should be in a secure facility that you really are.

Hey Melania come get your boy. He's lost.