Category: 47's Clown Car

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Tuesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

rejoice, America! Dear Leader's gonna lower the price of the 'fat shot drug'

what the fuck is Donny gibbering about?

yesterday at the White House, a bewildered old man in obvious cognitive decline somehow wandered in off the street. the Secret Service must have taken pity on the pathetic old coot, because they did nothing to stop him as he shuffled into the Oval Office and started free-associating into the microphone.

"I'll tell you a story, a friend of mine who's a business…man, very very very top guy, most of you would have heard of him. highly neurotic. brilliant businessman. uh, seriously overweight. and he takes the fat— the fat shot…drug. and he called me up, and he said, uh, president— he calls me president, he used to call me Donald, now he calls me president, so that's nice respect, but he's a rough guy, smart guy. very successful, very rich. I wouldn't even know how he would know this but, 'cause he's got comments, 'uh president, could I ask you a question?' I said what. 'I'm in London and I just paid for this damned fat drug I take.' I said 'it's not working.' he said, he said, 'I just paid eighty-eight dollars and in New York I paid thirteen hundred dollars, what the hell is going on?'"

what the fuck was that?

are you telling me that was the actual president of the United States up there, gibbering like a lunatic?

that was the kind of disjointed tale your demented granddad might fart out at the dinner table, right before falling asleep face down in his mashed potatoes.

what we got is a variation of the classic "sir story," where Donny typically meets up with some fictional blue collar dude who bursts into tears of gratitude upon getting to meet Dear Leader.

now we have a "president story," where Donny is apparently besties with Jabba the Billionaire, some 'very very very top guy' who evidently tips the scales at over a fucking ton.

Jabba's dealing with his weight issues by mainlining what Donny calls 'the fat shot drug.'

Donny's no doubt talking about Ozempic, right? he's reading off prepared notes, so why doesn't he just say that? I guess that Dear Leader is so illiterate that when his eyes got to a word that began with 'ozy,' his brain seized up and his panicked mouth had to hastily improvise 'the fat shot drug.'

nice bit of fat-shaming, too, with 'I said it's not working.'

'bro, you're a fucking whale' is a pile of stones that President Glass House definitely shouldn't be throwing at anyone.

but I digress.

Donny had called that press conference in order to announce his latest and awesomest executive order, one in which he was going to lower the prices of all prescription drugs by at least a skillionty percent, and maybe even more.

nice bit of Sewer Clown Theater, too, with Donny flanked by fake-diet-pill-scammer Dr. Oz, and heath nut Bobby Brainworms Jr, who was just back from taking his grandkids for a healthy swim in a bacteria-infected creek.

how does Donny imagine he's going to accomplish these lower costs? apparently by demanding real hard — because (let's say it one more time) executive orders are not laws.

Executive orders are issued from the executive branch of the government, specifically the U.S. President. An executive order is not a law in the sense that it does not go through the legislative process. It is not binding on everyone, only on employees of the executive branch.

last time I looked, multinational pharmaceutical conglomerates are not part of the US executive branch — so Big Pharma can pretty much tell Donny to piss straight up a rope, and he can't do shit about it.

Donny's insistence that he can lower drug costs through kingly fiat is so nonsensical that even The New York Times had no choice but to commit a journalism and point out that Dear Leader was blowing smoke up an entire nation's ass.

President Trump on Monday signed an executive order asking drugmakers to voluntarily reduce the prices of key medicines in the United States.

But the order cites no obvious legal authority to mandate lower prices.

the order cites no legal authority, because Donny has no legal authority.

let's back up and take a look at the larger context: there shouldn't have been any need for Donny to issue his idiotic order in the first place — because if Donny had just done nothing at all, we would already have lower drug prices.

in August of last year, the Biden administration announced that they were lowering the prices on prescription drugs.

how did Team Biden accomplish this? by negotiating with drug makers.

HHS has reached agreements with all participating manufacturers on new negotiated, lower drug prices for the first 10 drugs selected for the Medicare drug price negotiation program.

cool deal, right? not bad for the guy who got hounded out of the presidential race for being icky and old and probably already dead.

hey, you'll never guess what Mad King Donny did on the VERY FIRST DAY of his second reign: he look one look at those lowered drug prices and said fuck that shit and fuck it hard.

On Monday, Trump signed a sweeping order aimed in part at reversing several Biden administration executive orders on health care, including efforts to lower the cost of prescription drugs for people on Medicare and Medicaid, enhancing the Affordable Care Act and increasing protections for Medicaid enrollees. The so-called initial rescissions order, according to the Trump White House, is aimed at Biden policies that it says are "deeply unpopular" and "radical."

why would Donny deliberately screw over the American public like that? say it with me: because fuck you, that's why.

so now, four months later, Donny's got a cunning plan to bring drug prices back down to where they already would have been if only he had just done nothing.

here's a question: Donny's supposed to be the greatest deal-maker of all time, right? so why didn't he just negotiate with the drug makers, like Sleepy Joe Brandon did?

because kings don't negotiate, duh! they just break shit they don't understand, and then pretend to fix it.

you're welcome, peons.

can someone please develop a 'smart shot drug' and jab it into Dear Leader's ass? please?

here are your heroes of the day: this group of high school students on a field trip to the US Capitol. they had a very important question for GOP Rep. Brian Jack:

"why is Trump so orange?"

and now, through the magic of the internet, we can reveal why.

Posted on

holy shit! MAGA melts down over 'woke Marxist pope'

From Jeff Tiedrich:

boo fucking hoo, crybabies

the College of Cardinals must have been conclaving the shit out of their search for a new pope, 'cause it only took those honchos two days find their boy.

meet Robert Prevost. he's an American, born in Chicago. he roots for the White Sox. he's 69 years old, and he'll be popin' up a storm as Leo XIV.

oh wait, I almost left out the best part: he's a WOKE MARXIST POPE.

it only took about five minutes for someone to find the new pope's not-twitter feed — and MAGA is throwing a shit-fit because it turns out that Robert Prevost/Leo XIV is their worst nightmare: a religious leader who actually follows the teachings of Jesus.

"According to his X/Twitter feed (@drprevost), the newly selected pope trashed Trump, trashed Vance, trashed border enforcement, endorsed DREAMer-style illegal immigration, repeatedly praised and honored George Floyd, and endorsed a Democrat senator's call for more gun control."

the horror.

pour one out for the internet oddity who calls himself Catturd. he's going through some things right now.

too bad, so sad.

here's Donny Convict's side-piece Laura Loopy, back with another hot take.

the diaper-fillers are not entirely wrong — the current top-most thing on Robert/Leo's not-twitter feed is a retweet taking Donny Convict to task for disappearing Venezuelan migrants off the streets and fuckity-byeing them into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag.

furniture molester/eyeliner model JD Vance now has the distinction of being called out for shithead behavior by two consecutive popes — which I believe is a world record.

hey, did you know that the selection of Robert Prevost was a calculated move by Big Catholic to install a globalist, woke Pope from the West ON PURPOSE?

it must be true, I read it on the internet.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, SHEEPLE.

I hope Robert/Leo was selected "on purpose." how awesome would it be if he was a deliberate thumb-in-the-eye to Donny Convict — for being an all-around fuckwit antichrist, and also for posting all those stupid 'look at me, I'm the pope' memes.

MAGA didn't sign up for any of this shit. they don't want some commie rat bastard doling out woke-ass twaddle about compassion and human rights. they want a pope who follows the teachings of Republican Jesus — the dude who kept the fish and the loaf for himself, and told the needy to go fuck themselves.

here's Pope Leo's worst sin: he called Jesus the m-word.

you gotta love all the newly-minted theologians who jumped into the new pope's mentions to popesplain Jesus to him.

make that theologians, historians and anthropoligists — because MAGA knows more about popery than all the popes.

calm the fuck down and get over yourselves, crybabies. listen, I'm playing Ava Maria for you on the world's tiniest violin.

by the way, if any of you out there are tempted to post something like "does the new pope still have that new-pope smell," please don't. it's a terrible, obvious joke. it's the worst kind of low-hanging fruit — and I already did it, twelve years ago.

the selection of Pope Leo knocked the day's other big story right out of the news. that's actually a good thing, because it was a total nothingburger.

yesterday, Donny — desperate for a trade war victory to crow about — announced his first trade deal, with the UK.

it was indeed great news — except for the part where the US and the UK absolutely did not have a trade deal in place. what they had was an agreement to have a framework of a concept with which they would begin the negotiation process.

in other words, the announcement was a ginormous fucking bowl of hocus-pocus — but that didn't stop the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media from hitting the ground running with misleading headlines.

there are really only three things you need to know about yesterday's dog-and-pony show.

first, apparently every Oval Office event now has to begin with the Ritual Praising of Dear Leader.

Granny-Starvin' Howard Lutnick: "I want to make this clear. this was the president's deal. people think, 'oh, that's not the way it works.' if you got to sit next to him — I have the best dealmaker to my left. and if you don't think that we take advantage of him calling the prime minister and getting that deal done, you don't understand who's the president. he's the closer. he gets deals done that we could never get done, because he understands business, he understands deals. and that's why we're here today."

where did I leave my barf bag?

second, slowdowns, layoffs and empty shelves are a good thing.

reporter: "but we're seeing as a result that ports here in the US, the traffic has really slowed and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs."

Donny: "that means we lose less money … when you say it slowed down, that's a good thing, not a bad thing."

and lastly, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants evidently thinks toy-maker Mattel is a country — or some guy. or something.

"Mattel, I don't know, I'm not sure. they also said— they're the only country I've heard, they said, 'well, we're going to go counter. we're going to try to go someplace else.' that's ok. let them go, and we'll put a hundred percent tariff on his toys, and he won't sell one toy in the United States."

that's right, America: YOU ONLY GET TWO DOLLS, AND NEITHER WILL BE A BARBIE.

here's the other batshit thing that happened yesterday: Donny nominated America's Tipsiest Fake TV Judge to be his Interim US Attorney in DC.

I can't fucking even with these clowns.

Judge Box-Wine, it should be noted, is the 23rd Fox bobblehead to land a job in Donny's administration.

today, let's go out with a song. for no particular reason, here's Tom Lehrer doing the Vatican Rag.

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Vomiting It All Up…And It's Only Monday 😫

Trump: 'I run the country and the world'

President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he's leading "the country and the world."

"The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys," Trump said in the interview published Monday. "And the second time, I run the country and the world."

 

Posted on

Maybe They're Right After All

From Jeff Tiedrich:

it's probably not a good sign when your homeys have to swear that you weren't blitzed out of your mind when you did that thing you definitely did.

who among us hasn't woken up to discover that we did something ill-advised after a night of over-enthusiastically bending the elbow?

oh fuck, I did what?

for most of us, it's generally something low-stakes — like going online and buying some fugly sweater that we don't even remember ordering until it shows up a few days later.

for others, it's bombing the shit out of another county.

Alexa, show me the least-reassuring headline, ever.

Pete Hegseth was not drunk when he discussed plans to bomb Yemen in a group chat which included a journalist, the director of the CIA has said.

you can trust the CIA, because they would never lie to us, right?

but how does the CIA director know that Plastered Pete wasn't plastered? was he there? does the Signal app have a built-in breathalyser?

by the way, Donny's DOJ won't be prosecuting anyone over this Signal clusterfuck, because of course they won't — because reasons, and also because something something look over there, it's Hillary Clinton!

reporter: "the Signal chat controversy that's going on. is DOJ involved at this point? if so, why? if not, why not?"

Pam Bondi: "well first, it was sensitive information, not classified, inadvertently released, and what we should be talking about is it was a very successful mission … if you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home."

so, we're playing semantics games now. the intel was sensitive, not classified. (spoiler alert: it was classified.) and Pete didn't mean to do it, so no harmsies, ok? and besides, Yemen got the shit bombed out of it, very successfully. so what's the big deal?

by the way, handwaving away a major security breach by saying 'it was a successful mission' is like justifying drunk driving by pointing out that you managed not to run over anyone on the way home.

speaking of which — Plastered Pete is playing semantics games, too. check this out.

oops, sorry — wrong clip! here's the one we meant to show you.

"nobody is texting war plans. well I noticed this morning, out came something that doesn't look like war plans. and as a matter of fact, they even changed the title to 'attack plans,' because they know it's not war plans. there's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods…"

Piss-Drunk Pete is so good at being indignant, isn't he? it's a he skill honed through years of being a weekend chat-show bobblehead on Fox News. just the talent you want in someone who may not remember who he bombed last night.

whether we call it war plans or attack plans — that's not the fucking issue here. let's recall exactly what Pete did: he took classified intel — specific times of air strikes — and cut-and-pasted it into his phone.

then he sent it to all his homies (and a reporter!), hours before the attacks took place, over a janky app that he was warned by his own NSA not to use— because it's so fucking easily hacked by foreign actors — giving advance notice of bombing runs to anyone who might have gained access to his personal, unsecured phone.

but look, let's not bicker and argue over war plans and attack plans.

the administration has bigger fish to fry. apparently, the National Zoo has been suffering because of all the woke.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday directing Vice President JD Vance to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo.

what in the world? how can a zoo be woke? I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. are they just inventing things for JD to do, because he's a clueless dope and they want to get him out of the White House?

'hey there, JD, when you've finished fucking the furniture, could you run over to the National Zoo and make sure there's no DEI going on in the elephant house?'