Tiedrich Thursday
here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent fuckwits who can’t even do a police state right.
Donny is, of course, an impulsive imbecile who acts first and thinks never. his underlings have all been selected for loyalty over brains. so it’s only natural that a lot of fuckery they’ve been trying to perpetrate — the military occupations of cities, the mass arrests — has been badly planned and poorly executed. and now, much of it is starting to blow up in their big dumb faces.
let’s all point and laugh at a few of their recent fuckups.
topmost: it turns out that Assault With a Deadly Sandwich isn’t really a thing.
Sean Dunn is the dude who got into a shouting match with one of Donny’s uniformed goons in DC. the whole scene culminated with Dunn hurling a sandwich at the goon and running away. the very next day, he was all ‘how about I turn myself in,’ and America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge — who is now inexplicably the US Attorney for DC — was all ‘nah, how about we send dozens of storm troopers to your apartment and roughly drag you away in handcuffs, while TV cameras record it all.’
because, as always, it’s all about pageantry. it’s all about creating a show.
the next thing DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney did was to slap Dunn with a felony charge and vow to make him break rocks in Sing Sing for the next gazillionty or so years. and then, to cap it off, she tarted herself up in Holstein cow cosplay and tweeted out a self-congratulatory video — because what’s even the point of doing a fascism if you can’t crow about it on Elon’s Nazi Bar?
“Assault a law enforcement officer, and you’ll be prosecuted. This guy thought it was funny—well, he doesn’t think it’s funny today, because we charged him with a felony.”
yeah, well guess what: it just got funny again.
Federal prosecutors on Tuesday were unable to persuade a grand jury to approve a felony indictment against a man who threw a sandwich at a federal agent on the streets of Washington this month, according to two people familiar with the matter.
too bad, so sad, Jeanine. enjoy some tiny violin.
et’s be real: throwing anything at a cop is literally asking to learn what being handcuffed feels like. but if what you hurled is soggy bread and cold cuts, it ain’t a felony — no matter how much Little Donny Fascistpants and Jeanine Boxwine want it to be.
here’s the thing, though: do you know how badly you have to screw up in order to have a grand jury be all ‘fuck off outta here, we ain’t indicting’?
the answer is very badly. a US attorney failing to secure an indictment is almost unheard of.
It is extremely unusual for prosecutors to come out of a grand jury without obtaining an indictment because they are in control of the information that grand jurors hear about a case and defendants are not allowed to have their lawyers in the room as evidence is presented.
US Attorney Boxwine did her whole dog-and-pony show in front of the grand jury, laid out all her evidence of how evil mastermind Sean Dunn crime-spreed his way through the streets of DC — and in the end, the grand jury was all ‘it was a fucking sandwich, Jeanine. get real.’
but that’s what happens when you hire henchmen based on how much they flatter you on Fox News. you end up with a dunk-tank clown who butt-dials classified war plans to a reporter. you end up with a reality show wash-out who can’t figure out why planes keep falling out of the sky. and you end up with a DC Attorney who literally can’t indict a ham sandwich.
(yes, I know. everyone’s making that joke today. sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)
the Dunn embarrassment wasn’t even the first time this week that DC’s Tipsiest US Attorney failed to secure an indictment.
On Monday, for instance, prosecutors refiled a felony assault charge as a misdemeanor in the case of a woman who was accused of injuring an F.B.I. agent during a protest last month against immigration officials at the local jail in Washington.
The charges were reduced against the woman, Sidney Lori Reid, after prosecutors failed not just once but three times to obtain an indictment in the case.
three times. three separate grand juries told Jeanine to take a hike — because it was a shitty case based on flimsy evidence. this is what happens when you order your to thugs arrest first and ask questions never.
speaking of arrest-happy thugs, it turns out a bunch of ICE goons in Los Angeles got caught lying about the protesters they rounded up, and those cases got laughed out of court, too.
The officers’ testimony was cited in at least five cases filed by the US Department of Justice amid the unrest. The justice department has charged at least 26 people with “assaulting” and “impeding” federal officers and other crimes during the protests over immigration raids. Prosecutors, however, have since been forced to dismiss at least eight of those felonies, many of them which relied on officers’ inaccurate reports, court records show.
this is what happens when you lie about an imaginary crime wave, and then make as many bogus arrests as you can in order to ‘prove’ your point.
this is what happens when your marching orders are to round up everyone.
Judges are also losing patience with Donny’s own fascist tendencies. tell me, is at a bad thing when a judge who you personally appointed shitcans your lawsuit and calls it a ‘constitutional free-for-all’?
A federal judge on Tuesday threw out an aggressive, unusual lawsuit the Trump administration brought earlier this year against all 15 federal judges in Maryland, rejecting a bid by the Justice Department to limit court power in fast-moving immigration cases.
The opinion on Tuesday framed the lawsuit as a major constitutional standoff, with Judge Thomas Cullen writing the Justice Department couldn’t pursue a “constitutional free-for-all.”
a farcical lawsuit in which 15 judges are sued at once is classic Donny. he treats America’s legal system the same way his dead pedo bestie used to treat the ‘spa girls’ at Motel-a-Lago — as a thing to be abused for his pleasure, and then discarded.
was the judge happy about having his time wasted? no sir, he was most certainly not.
“Although some tension between the coordinate branches of government is a hallmark of our constitutional system, this concerted effort by the Executive to smear and impugn individual judges who rule against it is both unprecedented and unfortunate,” he added.
this is polite judge-speak for what are you trying to pull, you fascist dildo?
and, lastly, here’s a huge ball of what in the actual fuck.
this is a photo of National Guard troops spreading mulch around the Tidal Basin in Washington DC.
and here’s a pic of Guard troops hauling trash in a DC park.
but wait a minute, I hear you asking. I thought there was supposed to be a massive crime wave in DC. why aren’t these troops, y’know, chasing down bad guys?
yeah, well guess fucking what.
it turns out that when you send over two thousand troops to fight crime in a city where they’re no actual crime wave, you have to come up with something for them to do.
More than 2,200 troops, some from as far away as Mississippi and Louisiana, have been deployed in D.C. since Trump’s declaration of a “crime emergency” here. Ostensibly, they were mobilized to support federal law enforcement and local police, but in recent days those orders have expanded to encompass “beautification” tasks such as trash removal and groundskeeping around the National Mall and other federal property. Service members may work on removing graffiti, too.
what an excellent use of our military. what a cost-effective use of time and resources. it’s good to know that when the next hurricane devastates Louisiana, the residents there will be on their own — because the Guard troops who would normally be doing disaster relief work will be busy ‘beautifying’ the National Mall.
once again, this is what happens when you act first and think never.
it’s all so fucking stupid.
let’s not kid ourselves — Donny and his brigade of authoritarian fuckstains are indeed doing real harm to our nation, and to our democracy. but our one saving grace in all this might be the fact that they’re all incompetent imbeciles can’t who even do a simple fascism without fucking it up.
Freud Had To Consult His Therapist After This
The Week In Stupid From Jeff Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: stop the presses! no wait, start them back up
here’s Utah Senator Mike Lee with some stunning news — the kind of five-alarm shit you can only announce with flashing siren emojis.
holy shit. Fed Chair Jerome Powell is out! fuck yeah! BUH-BYE, Jerome, you obstructionist cum-sock! rack up another win for Dear Leader!
I mean, it’s totally weird how no actual news source is reporting this, but look: Mike’s posted the resignation letter — and Mike’s an actual US Senator, so it’s got to be legit, right?
hang on — wait just one goddamned minute, what’s going on with that seal down at the bottom? let’s take a closer look.
Mike Lee, you fucking imbecile. you got taken in by some shoddy AI-generated slop.
look at the lettering, you dunce. “Odeo of Govery8s8 of the Eirebal Reserve SielVa” — which just happens to be my favorite branch of government, because they’re the ones who sAe our en5rre coun!ey’s in#riiet r4t88.
the Senator Dipshit deleted his tweet, but — look, Mike, I hate to be the one to break this to you: you do know what the internet never does, don’t you?
that’s right, it never forgets.
tuesday: cloudy with a chance of dumbfuck
what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.
not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.
“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”
ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!
oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.
now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —
— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.
undaunted, Naomi’s back for more.
ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.
don’t mess with us.
wednesday: the more you know
hey, remember Glenn Beck? me neither. as one of Fox News’ original found objects, he was fucking huge back in the day, with a highly-rated daily show. but that was then, and this is now. Glenn still does a show. you can see it on the who even cares, nobody watches it network.
what happens when a parody becomes a parody of itself? get ready to find out, because here’s Glenn to explain exactly how Barack HUSSEIN Obama treasoned with Russia.
oh my god, Obama’s evil conspiracy has so many tentacles that TWO chalkboards can barely contain the ginormity of it.
good lord, Glenn Beck has meme-ified himself.
but of all the questions raised by Glenn’s two chalkboards, there’s only one that I need answered: has Glenn Beck been filching his wardrobe out of the dumpster behind Steve Bannon’s house?
thursday: you know a lot of what now?
listen up, all you commie rat bastards trying to take down our Great Dear Leader. Tennessee Rep Tim Burchett has a question for you: what’s the big deal about Donny having a dead pedo bestie? don’t we all?
“they knew each other. they ran in the same circles. it’s just like me. I know a lot of dirtbags myself.”
excuse me, you what?
that’s a stunning confession, Tim — and we’re going to need to know a lot more about these ‘dirbags’ you’re hanging out with.
does your name show up over and over on their flight logs?
do your dirtbag friends have 14 different phone numbers for you in their little black books?
do you encourage your children to hang out with your dirtbag friends?
most importantly, do you and your dirtbag friends get up into the kind of madcap hijinks where you invite a bunch of young “calendar girls” to a “party” at your tacky Florida golf motel, and when they get there, they find out that the only two dudes in attendance are you and your fuckface pedo pal?
just asking questions, Tim. we’re still allowed to ask questions in the Mad King’s hellish dystopia, aren’t we?
friday: you see what kind of people?
you may have asked yourself, how did Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack HUSSEIN Obama find the time to gin up all that fake Epstein File flim-flammery, just to make Dear Leader look bad?
I mean, they produced hundreds of thousands of pages of documents. that’s a lot of work for just three people, isn’t it? even with the help of James Comey and John Brennan, come on, that’s still a fuckload of effort.
QAnon conspiracy crank Scott McKay has the answer: ginning up all that bogus data is a piece of cake when everyone involved is dead.
my contact called me afterwards and gave me an amazing drop of information, or confirmation, of what exactly has been going on in this battle. number one is that Hillary Clinton has been removed from the playing field. she was removed December 31st, 2018, I believe it was, at Gitmo. Trump witnessed it. horrible thing he saw, he said. apparently she wouldn’t die. so, he said he never wanted to see it again. also there were six, five different Bidens that have been playing out that role. I just got off the phone with the same person, who is now overseas. I sent him a text earlier about something, and he said, by the way, and I won’t mention the woman’s name, who this came from, this is a high-level official. but he said, the text that I just got from her, said, ‘fake Obama — arrest coming soon.’ so, once again, these players have already been removed from the playing field.”
um, Scott? Nurse Ratched is here to remind you that it’s medication time.
now here’s the nice attendant to help you back to your bed, bro.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
We live in a world that in times past if you saw an outrageous headline online you’d automatically laugh it off as satire. Everything has gotten so fucked in the last six months however that you now actually have to verify that it’s from the ONION and not something that really happened.
Friday Madness
let’s cut right to the chase: this is the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.
anyone with any sense saw this coming a mile away. the first time Mad King Donny and the Space Nazi formed their fucked-up alliance, we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole enterprise went tits-up.
you can’t put two broken-inside man-babies — each of whom believes they hold a divine right to all the money, all the power, and all the attention — in the same room together without creating the kind of atomic chain reaction that culminates in a ginormous smoking crater.
the only question is: what the fuck took so long?
here’s how it all went down. the Space Nazi had been shit-talking Donny’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ all week long.
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it.”
which, by the way, was heartbreaking.
the Space Nazi has his own selfish reason for hating the bill: it would end government subsidies for electric vehicles — the very thing that makes his janky Swastikar business viable.
nonetheless, Elon violated the Prime Directive: there must be no criticism of Dear Leader — and so it was throw-down time!
“he’s upset. remember, he was here for a long time. you saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the oval desk … Elon and I had a great relationship. I don’t know if we will anymore.”
“the oval desk.” everything that Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of a two-year-old.
“hey Donny, what shape is your desk?”
“oval.”
“good boy Donny.”
here’s another thing the Mad King said during that q-and-a with reporters:
“I would have won Pennsylvania regardless of Elon…I’m very disappointed with Elon.”
and also:
“I don’t know what it is. It’s sort of Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess they call it. But we have it with others too. They leave and they wake up in the morning and the glamour is gone.”
and with that, it was go time! on with the battle of the paper-thin-skinned egos!
I mean, what’s even the point of having more money than god if you can’t throw a childish tantrum on your own Nazi-bar website?
“Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”
that was all Donny needed to launch into one of his favorite kinds of lies: one where he boasts that the person who quit their job, didn’t really quit — because it was actually Donny who shitcanned their unwelcome ass.
“Elon was ‘wearing thin,’ I asked him to leave, I took away his EV Mandate that forced everyone to buy Electric Cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY!”
Donny can’t even lie without slathering another lie right on top of it. there was never any “mandate” that “forced everyone to buy electric cars.” what the fuck is Donny even gibbering about?
that not-tweet was quickly followed up with this beaut.
“The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon’s Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn’t do it!”
fuck you, Space Nazi, for making me agree with Mad King Donny — because once again, hearbreaking.
this caused the Space Nazi to threaten to take his bat and ball and spaceships and go home.
“In light of the President’s statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately”
(spoiler alert: Elon’s already backed down from this threat.)
then it was time for the Space Nazi to go thermonuclear.
“Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”
that’s your ‘big bomb,’ Elon? tell us something we don’t already know.
nonetheless, how fucking awesome is it that Elon not-tweeted that to his 220 million followers?
next, Elon endorsed an Ian Miles Cheong not-tweet calling for Donny to be impeached and replaced with Couchfuck McGee.
JD spent the next six full hours running around his house, punching his fist in the air, and going ‘fuck yeah, President Vance,’ before finally, at 10:23pm, calming down enough to pretend to support his for-now boss.
“President Trump has done more than any person in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I’m proud to stand beside him.”
oh, look! Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts is calling for Elon to be deported.
Stephen K. Bannon, who has been one of the most vocal critics of Musk for months, said he is advising the president to cancel all of Musk’s contracts and launch several investigations into the world’s richest man.
“They should initiate a formal investigation of his immigration status because I am of the strong belief that he is an illegal alien, and he should be deported from the country immediately,” he said in a phone interview.
COULD EVERY ONE OF YOU ASS-CLOWNS PLEASE STOP BREAKING MY HEART?
natually, Elon reacted in the most Elon way possible.
let me remind you that these are all fully grown adults.
now let’s pour one out for MAGA. let’s keep the cultists in our thoughts and prayers as they navigate this difficult moment.
nah, fuck it. let’s just laugh at their confusion and despair over mommy and daddy fighting.
imagine the frayed, sparking wires inside every MAGA head right now as they watch the two dipshits they worship the most tear each other apart.
for Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, it’s just a thrill to watch the most manliest men ever go at it in the most manliest way possible.
“Some of y’all cant handle 2 high agency males going at it and it really shows This is direct communication (phallocentric) vs indirect communication (gynocentric) I understand you aren’t used to it”
can’t handle it? bro, we’re overdosing on schadenfreude here. we’re about to deplete America’s Strategic Reserve of Microwave Popcorn.
perennial election-loser and Republican found object Joey Mannarino is another honcho who just can’t believe his good luck in getting to watch the Battle of The Biggest Balls Ever.
“Trump and Elon aren’t attacking one another in a way that won’t be fixed. People forget how men with testicles spar. You’re watching two people with balls the size of the moon debate an issue. This is what masculinity look like.”
jesus, Joey — go take a cold shower.
the cognitive dissonance in the MAGAsphere is off the charts. Dinesh D’ipshit wants so much for all this to just be some kind of ten-dimensional kabuki between Donny and the Space Nazi that somehow ends up with … Democrats in prison?
Is this some sort of perverse scheme to force the release of the Epstein files? How great it would be to have a horde of bad guys publicly exposed. Then Trump and Elon break out the champagne. Elon says, ‘Told you I could get Democrats to scream for that list.’ Laughter!”
go home, Dinesh, you’re drunk.
one immediate result of all this childish fighting is that the Space Nazi lost billions of dollars as shares in his companies plummeted.
Tesla’s shares dropped by about 14.2% on Thursday at market close, wiping roughly $152bn off the value of the company as a feud between Elon Musk and Donald Trump erupted into public view. The former political allies traded threats and insults through posts on their respective social media platforms throughout the afternoon as the company’s price fell.
oh man, you just hate to see it.
ok, I lied. I fucking love to see it.
Elon is just the latest in a long line of arrogant, delusional hubris-monkeys who thought they would be the one who could finally control Donny, and make him dance to their tune. we’ve seen this play out over and over. that shit only works for a short time. sooner or later, it all goes sideways. Donny is too erratic and too literally out of his fucking mind to be corralled.
everything Donny touches, dies.
now let’s celebrate the memesters.
and let’s give the final word to Gianmarco Soresi, because this not-tweet wins the entire internet, forever.
Wednesday Madness
From Jeff Tiedrich:
‘because fuck you, that’s why,’ helpfully explains ICE Barbie
how does this ninny not know what habeas corpus is?
Kristi Noem — concentration-camp-selfie enthusiast and darling of the puppy-perforating set — was Capitol Hill yesterday, to do some performative jack-assery about why the Department of Homeland Security needs its budget set sky-high for 2026.
airfare and wardrobe for weekly prison-guard-cosplay photo-ops down in El Salvador doesn’t grow on trees, you know.
Democratic Senator Maggie Hassan had a question for Noem: ‘what is habeas corpus?’
let’s gaze in awe as Kristi takes careful aim and shoots the Constitution square in the face.
“habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country.”
bzzzzzt! sorry, no — not even close.
Senator Hassen, would you like correct our confused cosplayer?
“habeas corpus is the legal principle that requires that the government provide a public reason for detaining and imprisoning people. if not for that protection, the government could simply arrest people, including American citizens, and hold them indefinitely for no reason. habeas corpus is the foundational right that separates free societies like America from police states like North Korea.”
oh, huh. then it doesn’t mean that Dear Leader can eighty-six whoever he wants? oopsies!
how the fuck could Noem get that wrong? there are three possible explanations for why Kristi answered as she did — none of them good.
the first is that Kristi has no idea what habeas is, and just blurted out the first thing that popped into her vacant skull.
the second is that Kristi actually believes the answer she gave — because morons gonna moron.
the third — and scariest — possibility is that Noem knows full well what habeas corpus is, but deliberately gave a wrong answer — because fuck you, that’s why. how dare you question Kristi the All-Powerful? do you want to live out the rest of your days in a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag? no? then shut the fuck up.
Little Donny Fuckface was also on Capitol Hill yesterday, to rally support for his ‘big beautiful bill’ that chainsaws social programs to the bone, in order to finance another round of massive tax cuts for our oligarch overlords.
a reporter had a pretty decent question for Donny: “you campaigned on lowering the price of groceries. how can you justify cutting food assistance in this bill?”
Preznit Fuckbrain’s answer was one for the ages.
“the cut is gonna give everybody much more food.”
huh?
I know I’ve been saying this for years, but it’s never stopped being true: the first reporter to stand up and ask “what the fuck is wrong with you” should get a lifetime Pulitzer.
Donny goes on tell a bunch of lies about how the price of food is already down because of of his amazing job of presidenting the shit out of the economy. (spoiler alert: no it isn’t, and no has hasn’t.)
Donny doesn’t have an answer to why are you cutting aid to the poor, because coming up with one would require an attention span — and Donny’s mind has already drifted off to thinking about how the Saudis gave me my own mobile McDonald’s. that was so cool, why can’t Mike Johnson do that when I come to the House. mmmm, burgers.
n place of an actual answer, Donny starts making mouth-noises about how everyone’s going to have so much food, you’re going to get tired of all the food.
or course, the real answer to “why are Republicans cutting food assistance to the people who need it most,” is because fuck you, that’s why.
if The Poors didn’t want their social safety net taken away from them, then they should have given Dear Leader a vulgar flying bordello, like Qatar’s royal family did. that’s the kind of shit that opens doors. for fuck’s sake, Poors, show some initiative. don’t you know how the game is played in Donny Convict’s Washington?
no wonder you lazy slugs are all hungry.
“in March, you boasted about revoking student visas, saying, and I’m quoting, ‘we do it every day. every time I find one of these lunatics, I take away their visa,’ unquote. let’s look at one of those ‘lunatics,’ Mr. Secretary. Ms. Öztürk. her crime was co-authoring an op-ed in her college paper critical of Tufts University’s response to the war in Gaza. your own department found zero links to terrorism, no antisemitic statements, but you still yanked her visa and shipped her off to detention in Louisiana. and the list goes on and on.
“the federal judge in the case of Mohsen Madawi, who was the Columbia student who was ambushed by federal agents at his citizenship appointment, said, and I quote, this is the judge, ‘legal residents not charged with crimes or misconduct are being arrested and threatened with deportation for stating their views on the political issues of the day. our nation has seen times like this before, especially during the Red Scare and Palmer Raids.’
“like the McCarthy-era witch hunts of the 1950s, your campaign of fear and repression is eating away at foundational values for democracy. back then, it took one voice—Attorney Joseph Welch—to cut through the hysteria with the simple question that marked the beginning of the end of that shameful era: ‘Senator McCarthy, have you no sense of decency?’
”I would ask you the same, Secretary Rubio. you have shown through your words and actions what the answer is. I have to tell you directly and personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State.”
now, let’s allow Marco Rubio to show everyone what a ginormous asshole he is. here’s his response to Senator Van Hollen’s tongue-lashing.
“your regret for voting for me confirms I’m doing a good job.”
what an arrogant prick. go fuck yourself, Liddle Marco.
lastly, here’s your daily dose of What the Actual Fuck.
Nancy Mace has become the Lauren Boebert of Marjorie Taylor Greenes. Nance is mad as hell, and she’s brought her own visual aids.
some context: Nancy’s stunt was to ostensibly raise awareness of revenge-porn, which Mace claims to be a victim of — and make no mistake, revenge porn is a serious issue, and the people who disseminate it are scumbags who need to face consequences.
but set that aside for a moment. how starved for attention does one have to be, to be constantly drawing attention to one’s own body?
look, Nancy — nude photos have no place in a House committee room. unless, of course, the photos are of Hunter Biden’s freakishly-oversized trouser hog.
Vomiting It All Up
Kids – Don’t Do Drugs
Fucktacular!
From Jeff Tiedrich:
want to construct a clusterfuck? it’s easy.
start with the smoking rubble of a burned-out brain in steep cognitive decline. add a dollop of acute megalomania. pour in a generous amount of greed. now add the impulse control of a coked-up squirrel. toss in some ignorance, along with the inability to learn from mistakes, or even admit that mistakes were made.
now take that shitpile of defects, shake well, and bingo! you’ve ended up with Donny Convict’s completely incoherent tariff policies.
on February 2nd, Donny announced he was slapping a 25% tariff on all Canadian and Mexican imports. markets crashed — the Dow dropped 600 points in one day.
the very next day, Donny announced that he was putting a month-long hold on the tariffs, because both Canada and Mexico agreed to his list of demands. the markets calmed down.
but then out of the clear blue, Donny was all fuck it, ima do these tariffs anyway — starting tomorrow. have fun!
markets freaked out all over again. so did business leaders.
Fox Business interviewed the owner of a Pennsylvania auto dealership. the poor schnook is at his wit’s end over what’s happening.
“I had an order from a customer. $80,000 truck. it’s a hundred thousand dollars now. so he’s not gonna buy the truck. it’s gonna sit on my lot. and you know, the higher interest rates we’re paying now for floor space. and nobody’s going to buy the truck, because it just had a twenty thousand dollar price increase.”
and then, yesterday —
Donald Trump has temporarily spared carmakers from sweeping US tariffs on goods from Canada and Mexico, one day after an economic strike on the US’s two biggest trading partners sparked warnings of widespread price increases and disruption.
After a call with top executives at General Motors, Ford and Stellantis, however, Trump approved a one-month exemption from tariffs on “any autos coming through” the US, Mexico and Canada, the White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, announced on Wednesday.
The exemption has been granted “at the request of the companies,” Leavitt told reporters, “so they are not at an economic disadvantage.”
so, Mister Car Dealer no longer has to worry about that truck that was going to be sitting on his lot, taking up space. how convenient.
Donny’s reckless tariffs impacts all industries — so why did he choose to cut the auto industry some slack? because they’re big, powerful fat cats who can be relied on to shovel money into Donny’s pockets.
that’s the way it’s gonna be from now on. the plutocrats with the scratch — the corner-office honchos who can plunk down five mil for private dinners with Dear Leader at Motel-a-Lago — they’re going to get all kinds of special carve-outs to Donny’s tariffs. one hand washes the other.
he little guys who can’t afford to pay-for-play — the ones who don’t have Donny on speed dial — well, they’re going to be cordially invited, as always, to go fuck themselves raw.
mind you, Canada isn’t taking any of this fuckery lying down.
if you’re a Canadian right now with a hankering for some California wine, or Kentucky bourbon, forget about it. that shit’s been taken off the shelves.
The Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO), one of the largest buyers of alcohol in the world, removed US-made alcoholic drinks from its shelves on Tuesday.
don’t fuck with Canada. they’re not playing around — and the Canadian public thinks this shit’s hilarious.
US distilleries are less than thrilled.
March 5 (Reuters) – Jack Daniel’s maker Brown-Forman’s (BFb.N), CEO Lawson Whiting said on Wednesday Canadian provinces taking American liquor off store shelves was “worse than a tariff” and a “disproportionate response” to levies imposed by the Trump administration.
reporter: “respectfully, It’s just 43 pounds that were found last year. that’s less than a carry-on suitcase. is that a lot of fentanyl compared to, say, Mexico? the vast majority of fentanyl is brought in though Mexico, not Canada. so what else does Canada need to do?”
Karoline Leavitt: “last year alone, there was a 2000% increase in illegal fentanyl.”
Reporter: “it was only 43 pounds, Karoline.”
that’s a verifiable fact — but Donny and his toadies are going to keep pretending otherwise.
Leavitt, by the way, was not pleased about being fact-checked by a reporter doing his job. check out her totally mature reaction.
You’re asking me for what the president’s justification is for these tariffs. It’s not up to you. You’re not the president, Gabe!” Leavitt snapped.
“And frankly, I think it’s a little bit disrespect-ul [sic] to the families in this country that have lost loved ones at the hands of this deadly poison.
hissy much, Karoline?
and oh look, Team Donny has invented a whole new reason to be mad at Canada.
when last we saw Peter Navarro, he was being mocked mercilessly by the legendary Anarchy Princess while on his way to prison for contempt of Congress
well, Big Pete’s done his time. he’s back in Donny’s good graces and has an office at the White House.
here he is, dropping a whole new truth bomb on Fox News, with his unique blend of ignorance and arrogance.
“Canada has been taken over by Mexican cartels.”
don’t you love how these bold-face fucksticks just keep piling fantastical new lies on top of the old lies?
Peter, are these Mexican cartels in the room with us right now? no, they’re not—because apparently they’re right inside Justin Trudeau’s office—much in the same way the Space Nazi shares the Oval Office with Donny.
for all we know, there’s probably the son of some drug lord, right now, wiping his snots all over Canada’s version of the Resolute Desk.
so, for those of you keeping score at home,
— we have to take over Canada because it’s being run by Mexico.
— we have to take over Panama because it’s being run by China.
— we have to take over Greenland because it’s being run by … fuck it, who cares. we’re gonna invade them anyway.
— and the one country that really does need our protection because they’ve been attacked by Russia, they can go eat an entire bag of dicks, because Zelensky was very mean to Dear Leader.
here are your heroes of the day.
when some DOGE dipshits showed up at the headquarters of the U.S. African Development Foundation (a division of USAID) and demanded to be let in, staffers working there were all yeah, you pimply teenage incels can fuck all the way off.
thank you, USADF, for showing everyone how it’s done.
“Canada’s Not A Real Country”
And MUSK is not a real human.
Vomiting It All Up
Embrace Your Freedom Sores, Son!
Remember…you’re owning the Libs!
The Week In Stupid
Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich:
monday: fuck it, we’ll just call it Donnyland
“Congressman Buddy Carter of Georgia just introduced a bill authorizing Trump to acquire Greenland and rename it Red, White and Blueland.”
get it? get it? they’re all colors! Rep. Carter just did a clever … in his pants.
Republicans are really flexing their dipshit muscles these days, now that they’ve bullied both Google Maps and Apple Maps into renaming that big watery thing to our south to ‘the Gulf of America.’ it’s so fucking childish.
these arrogant nitwits are so high on their own supply that they have no clue that the rest of the world is laughing their asses off at us — when they’re not cringing in horror.
you know what? let’s just rip up all the maps and start over.
Trinidad and Tobago? that’s a stupid name. fuck that — it’s now Melanialand. Canada is now America’s Hat. Iceland is now Trump Iceland.™ that’s a no-brainer — Donny’s got to sell that skeevy water to someone.
and the space between Rep. Carter’s ears? I’m introducing a bill this week to rename it to the Gulf of Idiot.
tuesday: irony isn’t the only thing that’s dead
daddy, where do Republicans come from?
well, son, they take big vats of stupid and drop zygotes into them. the ones that don’t survive, they send off to Congress.
“based on what we’re actually looking to do with the JFK investigation, I’m looking to actually bring in some of the attending physicians, at the initial assassination, and also the people that had been on the various commissions — like the Warren Commission.”
who wants to tell her?
Anna — all those people are dead. everyone on the Warren Commission died decades ago. Gerald Ford was the last surviving member. he died in 2008.
what are you going to do, hold a fucking seance?
as long as you’ve apparently got a hotline to the Great Beyond, why not go straight to the source? get out your ouija board and summon up Lee Harvey Oswald — that dude knows more about what happened at Dealey Plaza than anyone.
in fact, I beat you to it, Anna. I just got off the phone with Lee Harvey. he keeps up with current events — because down there where he is, everyone’s forced to watch Fox News. it’s part of the Eternal Torments. check out Lee’s nickname for you:
An Appalling Lunatic.
fuck, he’s good. I should get him to ghost-write my posts.
wednesday: boo fucking hoo
last Sunday’s Superbowl halftime show broke so many wingnut brains, days later they were still bellyaching about it. here’s Internet Found Object Stew Peters, cranking the racism dial so far past 11 that it snaps off in his hand.
“after several consecutive years of conducting satanic rituals on live television, the NFL went right back to doing what it does best: giving a platform to degenerate blacks. it’s just all so tiresome. every single one of America’s biggest entertainment platforms, from the fake and gay and rigged entertainment leagues, like the NFL, to the music industry, to all of our TV shows, has completely given in to this degenerate black filth culture that was created by a bunch of subversive Jews.”
wait — did Stewball just call my people subversive? he can’t get away with that. where’s my fucking space laser?
thursday: whatimalism?
this is just so fucking embarrassing.
“President Trump and Elon Musk, arguably the two most unorthodox and influential American leaders of the 21st century, are practicing and fine-tuning a fused theory of governing power -> Masculine maximalism.”
media, can you please stop with the hagiographic hero worship? Donny Convict and the Space Nazi are not avatars of “masculine” anything.
one guy can’t go out in public without spackling his pale death-mask face with a gallon of burnt cork. the other has had extensive gender-affirming surgeryjust so he could feel better about himself.
these two jokers are petty, vindictive, dishonest, and never take responsibility for their fuckups. what kind of “masculine maximalism” is that?
admit it, Jim. you know what you really want to say about Donny and Leon, don’t you? go ahead. this is a safe space.
“daddy’s home.”
that’s right, Jim — except now America has two daddies, and they’re both taking off their belts.
Jim? Jim?
oh my, Jimmy VandeHei just swooned and passed out, with the biggest smile on his face.
friday: a chip off the old extremely homophobic block
it appears that the Space Nazi didn’t just inherit the profits from an Apartheid-era emerald operation from his father. he apparently also inherited a rather fucked-up set of values.
isn’t Errol a charmer? it’s really true what they say — the douche doesn’t fall far from the bag.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
They’re Drinking Vodka Straight Out Of The Bottle In The Kremlin
How soon before 45 just just invites Russian troops to occupy US cities?
Ya Think?!
Trump Claims There Are No Empty Seats. Cameraman Immediately Fact Checks Him.
“The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” ~George Orwell, 1984
Just Sayin’
Pro Tip for Catholic Charities PR Team: Maybe not host an adjudicated rapist credibly accused of sexual abuse by dozens of women if you’re trying to rise above your own church’s history of sexual abuse. – GeoffBrown82
Instant Karma
She’s Going to Vote. Are You?
VOTE BLUE!
THIS is What I Say…
THIS is what I say:
Sunday Sacrilege
“Where’s My Pudding?!”
Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied
The court has ruled on presidential immunity. “A former president is entitled to absolute immunity from criminal prosecution for actions within his “conclusive and preclusive constitutional authority,” the ruling says. “There is no immunity for unofficial acts.”
So, a president is not fully immune. Personal acts aren’t immune, presidential acts MIGHT be immune, but there is some presumption of immunity for official acts.
Obviously this presumption of immunity is nowhere in the Constitution. The originalists are definitely being original, and boy are we eff’ed; so much for Republican arguments that judges shouldn’t legislate from the bench. The argument now is going to be about what is or is not “an official act.”
I wish that the SCOTUS made it clear what is an official duty (you know, like duties as defined in The Constitution) versus everything else, but they didn’t, and so here we are.
There is no way the DC trial gets underway before the election.
The decision is here. I’m reading the dissenting opinion first, and oof. Sotomayor writes that the majority’s grant of immunity “reshapes the institution of the presidency” and “makes a mockery of the principle” that “no man is above the law.”
We are totally eff’ed in the dark.
Justice Jackson:
The majority of my colleagues seems to have put their trust in our Court’s ability to prevent Presidents from becoming Kings through case-by-case application of the indeterminate standards of their new Presidential accountability paradigm. I fear that they are wrong. But, for all our sakes, I hope that they are right.
In the meantime, because the risks (and power) the Court has now assumed are intolerable, unwarranted, and plainly antithetical to bedrock constitutional norms, I dissent.
UPDATE 1:
“You can hear the echoes of Richard Nixon saying, ‘If the president does it, it is not illegal.’” — MSNBC’s Katy Tur
VOTE BLUE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT…BECAUSE IT DOES!
Who’s Gonna Tell Him?
Don’t Worry…
I won’t be posting any more pictures of this fragile-masculinity “godly” asshole.
Apparently the owner of this account reposts other guys pix “in the interest of men promoting men’s masculinity” or some such nonsense and then gets all bent out of shape when other gay guys hit on the guys he’s posted.
“This is NOT a gay fetish page”? Could’ve fooled me, dude. And his main page?
“…but I am straight.”
“Straight” men do not post pictures of other mens’ mustaches with an almost fetish like devotion.
There Is A Mental Health Crisis In This Country
Bat. Shit. Crazy.
Okay, Babs…
Thank God…
