Category: Beating Back the St00pid

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Friday Tiedrich

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

seriously, fuck that guy.

now let’s congratulate the woman who did win the Nobel Peace Prize, María Corina Machado.

The Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado, who built a powerful social movement and has been living in hiding since last year, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday. The Norwegian Nobel Committee praised “her tireless work promoting democratic rights for the people of Venezuela and for her struggle to achieve a just and peaceful transition from dictatorship to democracy.”

María Corina Machado is the Venezuelan opposition leader who stood up to a tyrant, worked tirelessly to bring democracy to her country, and — after arrest warrants were issued on bogus conspiracy charges — now lives in hiding, fearing for her life.

conspicuously not on Machado’s resume is renaming her Department of Defense to Department of War, disappearing people into slave-labor gulags, exploding the shit out of fishing boats, or sending armed military after her own people.

because the country of Norway is forced to exist in the same shitty timeline that we do, they now have to fear reprisals from the thinnest-skinned grievance-baby ever to crap a diaper in the Oval Office.

call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that causing an entire country to fear for its own safety if they don’t award you a Peace Prize kind of disqualifies you from ever getting a Peace Prize.

here’s Machado’s statement, upon learning she’d snagged the Prize.

“Oh my god. Well, I have no words.”

She went on: “This is an achievement of a whole society. I am just, you know, one person. I certainly do not deserve this.”

“I’m honored, humbled. I’m very grateful on behalf of the Venezuelan people. We’re not there yet. We’re working very hard to achieve it, but I’m sure that we will prevail,” she said.

did you hear that? that’s what humility sounds like.

it’s a sound we don’t hear much these days in America, where we’re governed by a preening asshole who never stops screaming in our exhausted faces about how he deserves all the accolades.

here’s what Steven Cheung, the dime-store Bond villain who doubles as Donny Convict’s communications director, posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar.

“President Trump will continue making peace deals, ending wars, and saving lives. He has the heart of a humanitarian, and there will never be anyone like him who can move mountains with the sheer force of his will. The Nobel Committee proved they place politics over peace.”

oh my god, you tiny little spite-fueled homunculus. how fucking hard it is to say ‘congratulations’?

boo fucking hoo, you sore losers. eat binky.

but do keep your chin up, Donny. you still have one thing mean old Barack HUSSEIN Obama will never have: the Nobel I Pointed At A Drawing Of A Camel Prize.

“I also did a cognitive exam. which is always very risky because if I didn’t do well, you’d be the first to be blaring it, and I had a perfect score. and one of the doctors said he’s almost never seen a perfect score. I had a perfect, uh, at perfect score. I got the highest score. and that made me feel good. when they asked ‘would I like to do one,’ I said yeah. I said, ‘did Obama do it?’ no … the last time I took a cognitive exam, it was a perfect score. the doctors announced it. and by the way, not the easiest test. the first few questions are pretty easy. once you get into the middle, it gets a little trickier. and there aren’t a lot of people in this room who would get every single question right, I could guarantee it.”

that was Donny, yesterday, at another one of his farcical ‘cabinet meetings.’

imagine being so fragile — and so in constant need of affirmation — that you have to interrupt your own meeting to brag about acing a test they give to people who show signs of drowning in their own dementia.

this the test Donny is bragging about — the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.

it’s not hard. twenty percent of the test is literally pointing at a drawing of a fucking camel.

awesome job, Donny. you get a lollipop!

now let’s give the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press a well-earned Two Minutes Hate, because they’ve spent the last three days pissing themselves with glee, and declaring that Donny deserves all the Peace Prizes for his Gaza cease-fire plan — a plan that’s basically identical to the peace plan Joe Biden hammered out on his last day in office. Donny shoved it into a drawer and ignored it, let the carnage in Gaza continue for ten months, then dusted it off and put his name on it.

good boy, Donny! help yourself to another lollipop!

can the Washington Post please, at long last, kindly fuck all the way off?

this is the kind of drek the WaPo shits out onto their oped pages these days. notice that they’re still using ‘democracy dies in darkness’ as their motto. I’m thinking it’s more like ‘democracy dies when Jeff Bezos disappears up Dear Leader’s ass.’

oh look, Chris Cillizza wants to play a round of Easy Questions, Easy Answers™.

“What if…Donald Trump actually deserves the Nobel Peace Prize?”

Newsweek can join the Washington Post over in fuckoffistan.

according to who? I’m pretty sure the Nobel Committee doesn’t lob prizes in the general direction of anyone who announces the framework of a concept for a sketch of a peace plan.

how about we wait and see if this latest cease-fire lasts more than a day before we anoint Dear Leader as God-Emperor of All Peacemakers?

and I’m sorry, but I can’t even any more with this guy.

please, John, for the love of all that is holy, shut the fuck up.

and finally, what is this nonsense?

Georgia Republican Rep. Buddy Carter: “Donald Trump has done that. that’s why he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. that’s why I’m introducing a resolution today that will honor him with the Nobel Peace Prize, and if need be, we’ll call for a discharge petition.”

I’m sorry, give me a minute to wrap my head around this insanity. do I have this right? Buddy Carter is so mad about Dear Leader getting snubbed that he’s going to legislate that Donny gets a Nobel Peace Prize anyway?

how the fuck would that even work? are Republicans going to gin up a fake Peace Prize and award it to Donny, so he can display it in that vulgar gold-plated bordello that used to be the Oval Office? they’re going to do thisjust to keep an infantile rage-baby from melting all the way down — and then we’ll all stand around and pretend it’s a perfectly normal thing that happened?

am I on crazy pills right now?

my god, the entire Republican Party is sore loser babies all the way down.

people, we are in serious danger of depleting our nation’s Strategic Reserve of Binkies.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

I haven’t passed along all of Mr. Tiedrich’s missives as poignantly entertaining as they are because frankly, there are just some days I can’t deal with anything regarding “Preznit Fuckwit” no matter how witty it may be.

never underestimate Little Donny Fuckface’s ability to waste everyone’s time on the stupidest bullshit imaginable.

witness the latest bug to crawl up the Mad King’s ass.

“I’m inside the White House. I will be speaking with the U.S. President and his cabinet about Antifa.”

that’s right, our 34-count convicted felon president invited a bunch of MAGA halfwits and hangers-on to the White House, for a roundtable on how to deal with the ‘problem’ of antifa — the imaginary ‘domestic terror organization’ that definitely doesn’t exist.

a roomful of morons setting policy based on a fever-swamp fantasy. it’s all so unbelievably stupid.

it’s as if a child were having a tea party with stuffed animals, and going ‘Mister Bear, let’s hear your plan to take on Soros.’

seriously, if you want to tackle a completely fictitious terror org, who better to have on your side than Pizzagate Jack Posobiec?

after all, Pizzagate Jack is the stuffed bear who promoted the fairy tale that Hillary Clinton trafficked children out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement. who better than Jack to fight an imaginary foe?

now, let’s back up a bit — because the Mad King’s quest to outlaw Big Bad Antifa dates all the way back to his first reign.

the problem for Donny back then was that there were actual adults in the room who were willing to take him aside and go ‘dude, don’t be a shit-kazoo.’

 

By ERIC TUCKER and BEN FOX
Published 10:07 PM EDT, September 17, 2020

WASHINGTON (AP) — FBI Director Chris Wray told lawmakers Thursday that antifa is an ideology, not an organization, delivering testimony that puts him at odds with President Donald Trump, who has said he would designate it a terror group.

Hours after the hearing, Trump took to Twitter to chastise his FBI director for his statements on antifa and on Russian election interference, two themes that dominated a congressional hearing on threats to the American homeland.

Chris Wray — who had been appointed FBI director by Donny — had it exactly right. antifa isn’t an organization. it’s a belief — that fascism is bad.

pro tip: if you’re against the idea of antifascism, you’re on the wrong fucking side.

this is something that Pizzagate Jack and his buddies don’t seem to realize

fast forward to today. Chris Wray is gone, replaced

by Krazee-Eyes Kash. Donny no longer has adults in the room. what he has are toadies like ICE Barbie. she loves to dress up, and she was thrilled to take part in the Boy King’s tea party.

when they announce this year’s Nobel Prize for Things That Never Happened the Most™, I hope it goes to Kristi Noem — because get a load of this.

“one of the individuals we arrested recently in Portland was the girlfriend of one of the founders of antifa, and that we are hoping as we go after her and interview her and prosecute her, we’ll get more and more information about the network and how we can root them out and eliminate them from the existence of American society.”

yeah, no.

there is no quote-unquote network. there is no organization. there’s no hierarchy, no meetings, no dues, no membership cards, no secret handshake — and there is certainly no founder, and no girlfriend. does she even have a name? this whole story is a huge fucking bowl of it never happened.

I have a question for ICE Barbie: after you caught this ‘girlfriend of antifa,’ did she try to eat her own arm off?

it’s a legit thing to ask, because Noem is shameless about making shit up. here she is, back in July, at a press conference for the opening of that massive human rights violation, Alligator Alzcatraz.

“the other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”

MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.

spoiler alert: of fucking course this never happened — and there is no reason on earth to ever believe any of the batshit that vomits out of ICE Barbie’s mouth.

by the way, at yesterday’s tea party, President Pudding Cup continued to prove that he’s a remarkable physical specimen in perfect health. tell me, is it worrisome when a 79-year-old president struggles to stay awake during every single time he appears in public?

it’s another legit question, because the White House announced yesterday that Donny will have his ‘yearly’ checkup at Walter Reed Hospital on Friday — which is weird, because he already had his ‘yearly’ Walter Reed checkup six months ago. so, what are not being told?

“I don’t know what could be worse than Portland. you don’t even have stores anymore. they don’t even put glass up. they put plywood on their windows.”

IS THAT WHY THEY’RE EATING THEIR OWN ARMS? because they don’t have stores any more, and Portlanders can no longer buy groceries?

where is this gibbering lunatic getting his information from? nothing even close to that is happening in Portland. the protests are minuscule, and confined to the one block in front of the ICE facility. look at this terrifying frog. no wonder Meal Team ICE is shitting their pants and calling for military backup.

is it worrisome when a president is tyrannical and incoherent at the same time?

…a flag burning mob, and we’ve uh made it uh one year penalty for inciting riots. we took the freedom of speech away because it’s been through the courts, and the courts said ‘you have freedom of speech’ but that— what has happened is when they burn a flag, it agitates and irritates crowds, they’ve never seen anything like it, both sides, and you end up with riots, so we’re going on that basis, we’re looking at it from not from the freedom of speech, which I always felt strongly about, but never passed the courts.”

holy shit, not only is Donny struggling to stay awake, he’s struggling to read what’s written on the paper in front of him.

‘we took the freedom of speech away’ — what a stunning thing to admit.

for those of you keeping score at home, flag burning is bad.

but using the flag to beat the shit out of cops on January 6, that’s good.

it’s also apparently totes cool to snuggle Old Glory against your cooch.

look, President Playpen can shit out all the farcical executive orders he wants, but he can’t redefine Constitutionally-protected speech, no matter how hard he tries. all this fuckery is going to end up in front of judges and grand juries — and they’ve shown time and again that they have no patience for any of Donny’s authoritarian bullshit.

none of this is normal. presidents aren’t supposed to shred the Constitution — nor are they supposed to wage war against their own people.

it’s so clear that Donny wants blood in the streets. he doing all he can to provoke clashes between protesters and National Guard troops, so he can invoke the Insurrection Act and declare martial law.

Donny is super fucking horny for a civil war. this is some scary shit, for sure — but the clock is ticking, and time may be running out on America’s Mad King.

here’s a thing that California Rep. Eric Swalwell not-tweeted yesterday morning.

“It’s coming to an end guys. I’ve spoken to a lot of House Republicans this week and they’ve confided that Trump’s movement/support is fading. As one told me, ‘this Epstein bomb is about to drop and no want wants to defend a pedo-protector. It’s just a matter of time.’”

which was followed up by—

“One Republican just texted me that if there’s a discharge vote on Epstein they expect a ‘jail break’ of over 100 members. Trump will go nuts!”

shoot that shit directly into my veins.

I know, it sounds way too good to be true — but Eric Swalwell is not a bullshitter.

Holy Mike can’t hold up Adelita Grijalva’s swearing-in ceremony forever. that 218th vote in favor of Tom Massie’s discharge petition is coming, sooner or later.

buckle your seat belt, things are about to get interesting.

oh, and the Nobel Peace Prize is being announced tomorrow morning. get ready for a ketchupnado in the West Wing.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Happy Friday, Y’All

after three days of enduring President Rottinghands McRagebaby’s infantile whining about his harrowing battle with the UN’s Moving Steps of Death, Donny’s handlers finally figured out a way to get him to shut the fuck up about it. they did that thing where they brought in cameras, gave him a bunch of meaningless papers to sign, and then let him blither incoherently to the assembled press.

Donny was as happy as a pig in shit.

when it came time for the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media to ask their questions, one thing everyone wanted to know was who will Donny be persecuting next?

“Soros is a name certainly that I keep hearing. I don’t know, but Soros is a name that I hear. I hear a lot of different names. I hear names of some pretty rich people that are radical left people. maybe I hear about a guy named Reid Hoffman.”

‘maybe I hear about a guy’? this isn’t how presidents talk. this is how mobsters talk. this is the kind of thing Tony Soprano would say — and we know what happens when Tony ‘maybe hears about a guy.’

you gotta love the way Donny pretends that all this political witchhuntery is going on around him, and he’s got nothing to do with it. he’s just hearingthings.

it’s called plausible deniability, and it’s the one thing Roy Cohn and Donny’s own tyrant Klansman father taught Donny well. if it’s something that could one day come back to bite you in a court of law, shut the fuck up about it. never talk about it directly. you. know. nothing.

it could be anything. it could be something, like, let’s say, oh I don’t know — bringing the full weight of the government’s legal apparatus against people who’ve pissed you off.

which brings us to the huge story of the day.

Former FBI Director James Comey has been indicted by a federal grand jury, an extraordinary escalation in President Donald Trump’s effort to prosecute his political enemies.

Comey, a longtime adversary of the president, is now the first senior government official to face federal charges in one of Trump’s largest grievances: the 2016 investigation into whether his first presidential campaign colluded with Russia.

oh great, we’ve finally reached the Prosecute Political Enemies On Bogus Charges phase of Donny’s Five-Alarm Fascistopia.

lucky us. we’re really living in the dumbest police state ever.

Comey has been charged with giving false statements and obstruction of a congressional proceeding, and he could face up to five years in prison if convicted.

Comey was basically indicted because reasons — because fuck James Comey, that’s why. remember, one prosecutor already quit-or-was-fired because he said there was nothing legit with which to charge him.

I’d love to get into the nuts and bolts of charging documents and notice pleading and bills of particulars, and explain exactly why this is a janky indictment, but I can’t. I’m just a guy who types cuss words into his laptop. understanding all this law shit is way above my pay grade.

for that, we have the indispensable Joyce Vance. be sure to read her thing.

what I can tell you is that this is some bullshit.

I can also tell you that even AG Pam Bondi knows that this is some bullshit — because she was against indicting Comey before she was for it.

attorneys from the Eastern District of Virginia sent a memo to Bondi, where they were all ‘we can’t indict Comey, this evidence is flimsy as fuck,’ and Bondi nodded her head in agreement. but then Donny got his brand new rent-a-prosecutor in the Eastern District, Lindsey Halligan — whose previous job was being a member of Donny’s team of ace parking garage lawyers — to drop the hammer, and Bondi had no choice but to change her tune. she has always been at war with Eastasia.

Late Thursday, Bondi replied to CNN’s reporting, stating, “That is a flat out lie.”

lying liar says what?

hey, remember what I was saying earlier about plausible deniability?

listen to Donny trying to dodge responsibility for Comey’s indictment. what? James who?

reporter: “there could be an indictment on James Comey. Do you know if there is an indictment?”

Donny: “I don’t know. I know it’s going on, because I read the papers just like you do. so I don’t know. [turns to Bondi] do you have anything to say about that?”

Bondi: “we can’t comment on that.”

right, Donny hasn’t a clue what’s going on. all he knows is what he reads in the papers sees on Fox News. all this Comey business, it has nothing to do with him.

fact check: fuck straight off.

we all saw that thing Donny posted by mistake on his crappy app, where he ordered Pam Bondi to indict Comey, and told her that if she didn’t do it, he’d find someone who would.

Donny posted that on Saturday, and five days later, Comey ends up on the wrong end of an indictment.

plausible deniability just went fuckity-bye.

oh, by the way, Donny — your rotting hand can run, but it can’t hide.

Comey posted the following video to social media. I detest this guy for what he did to the email lady in 2016 — but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t all stand with Comey when he’s the victim of fucked-up fascism on steroids.

“my family and I have known for years that there are costs to standing up to Donald Trump. but we … will not live on our knees, and you shouldn’t either. somebody that I love dearly recently said that fear is the tool of a tyrant, and she’s right, but I’m not afraid, and I hope you’re not either. I hope instead you are engaged, you are paying attention, and you will vote like your beloved country depends upon it, which it does. my heart is broken for the Department of Justice, but I have great confidence in the federal judicial system. I’m innocent. so, let’s have a trial and keep the faith.”

I don’t have to tell you just how monstrously evil all of this is. I don’t have to tell you that in just nine short months, a loathsome bully has turned our country into a mockery of what America is supposed to be about.

but what I do need to tell you is not to give in to despair, and to never give up hope. all this will end someday — and, in that regard, let’s give what should be the final words to Eric Swalwell.

“and by the way, the president is saying he has no control here. he has all of the control here. he’s the one who has been tweeting to the attorney general that Comey needs to be indicted. he’s the one who fired the US attorney who would not indict Comey. this is a very corrupt, corrosive act that the president is taking — and what I would just say to any prosecutor at the Department of Justice is that it’s not going away. as a member of the Judiciary Committee, I promise you when Democrats are in the majority we will look at all of this and there will be accountability and bar licenses will be at stake in your local jurisdiction, if you are corruptly indicting people if you cannot prove the case beyond a reasonable doubt.”

please hear what Eric is saying, because when this authoritarian nightmare that is our current timeline finally runs its course — and it will — there will be accountability.

it just can’t come fast enough.

oh wait, hang on — we’re not quite finished. the corrupt hack who runs the Department Of What Used To Be Justice wants to pelt us with some vapid mouth-noises.

“No one is above the law. Today’s indictment reflects this Department of Justice’s commitment to holding those who abuse positions of power accountable for misleading the American people. We will follow the facts in this case.”

oh, please. get out of here with this nonsense. no one is above the law? then release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking fucks.

and release the Tom Homan tapes, while you’re at it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

at the United Nations on Tuesday, as America’s Fuckwit-in-Chief was blithering incoherently about Chinese wind and hell-bound countries and how awesome it is to bomb the shit out of fishing boats and how he deserves all the Nobel Peace Prizes and how everyone at the UN is a poopyhead for not letting him renovate their building, a foreign diplomat took out his phone and texted the following to an American journalist.

“This man is stark, raving mad. Do Americans not see how embarrassing this is?”

you know me, I love a good game of Easy Questions, Easy Answers — so allow me, if you will, to take my best shot.

YES, WE CAN ALL SEE THAT DONNY IS STARK BARKING BONKERS, AND WE’RE ALL FUCKING EMBARRASSED.

well, obviously, not the cultists, they eat this shit up — but to the other 70% of us who aren’t brain dead, we know it. we’re the ones who have to sit here, day after day, as the firehose of batshit gets sprayed point-blank into our faces.

I mean, check out what a lunatic looks like when he’s lunaticking at warp factor nine.

dear lord, what a fucking snowflake. a snowflake like no one’s even seen before. maybe the flakiest snowflake of all time.

grow the fuck up, bro. do you think Teddy Roosevelt would have been spooked by an escalator? absolutely not. just look at this homey.

T-Rose would have punched the shit out of those balky autostairs.

oh joy, President Pudding Cup is demanding to speak to the United Nations’ manager.

I’m sending a copy of this letter to the Secretary General, and I demand an immediate investigation.

yeah, you do that, Commander Crazypants. you send your strongly-worded letter. I’m sure Secretary General António Guterres can’t wait to roll his eyes, mime jerk-off motions, and toss it into the nearest trashcan.

EscalatorGate™ is now in its third day and shows no sign of abating — and in typical Donny carnival-barker style, the story of how an escalator briefly turned into stairs gets more outlandish with each retelling.

the escalator going up to the Main Speaking Floor came to a screeching halt. It stopped on a dime. It’s amazing that Melania and I didn’t fall forward onto the sharp edges of these steel steps, face first.

that’s right, Melania came this close to a brush with the United Nations’ patented Whirling Blades of Death.

as we discussed yesterday, no one was ever in any danger — but by next week, Donny’s going to be telling us that his Slovenian rent-a-wife had to somersault past laser beams — which, by the way, is a thing she can do because of the ninja training she received, while also learning to speak five languages (none of them English).

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny is screaming LOCK THEM UP!

The people that did it should be arrested!

Donny, are the people who should be arrested in the room with us right now? actually in this case, they are — because it was Donny’s own videographer who ran up the the damned thing backwards and tripped the motion detector that stopped the escalator.

so sure, let’s arrest this poor unfortunate soul. no, wait — mere arrest isn’t adequate punishment for the person who dared inconvenience Dear Leader for an entire thirty seconds. let’s go all-in. let’s draw and quarter them as a vivid warning to any future frisky videographers. don’t you dare trip no fucking motion sensors, pal.

so, to get back to the foreign diplomat’s question — yes, we can all see how embarrassing this is, that our president is a weak and small man who can’t just laugh off a common mishap that we’ve all experienced, and is driven by his increasing insanity to create a pathetic spectacle.

and, as always, the only thing you really need to know about EscalatorGate™ is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

any sane country would have 25th Amendmented the fuck out of Dear Leader before he’d even had a chance to finish that batshit speech — but we don’t live in a sane country.

we live in a country that has built an entire propaganda infrastructure just to keep a cranky toddler from melting down and throwing ketchup bottles.

Donny’s UN address was received in silence. no one said a word — they just looked on in stunned horror as the Mad King gibbered like a loon.

in order to keep Dear Leader from going ape-shit about it, one of Donny’s own sewer clowns, Energy Secretary Chris Wright, had to go on Fox News and explain to the Audience of One watching in the White House how everyone wanted to cheer, but they couldn’t — because were afraid to. yeah, that’s it. that’s a credible explanation.

“everyone was listening … I think a lot of the world, maybe weren’t brave enough to cheer like that during his speech.”

where have I heard this kind of gaslighting before? oh right —

so again, yes, Ambassador, we are all embarrassed that our president can’t face unpleasant news and has to be coddled like a colicky infant.

wouldn’t you love it if our own worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press were as honest as their foreign counterparts?

and yes, Ambassador, we’re all fucking embarrassed that our president is, as the Daily Mail puts it, a “deranged man-baby.”

there’s a new “Presidential Walk of Fame” in the White House — and you’ll be shocked to learn that it’s childish as fuck.

here’s what Margo Martin not-tweeted from her official White House account.

no, let’s not “wait for it,” let’s just skip ahead and reveal that Joe Biden’s presidential portrait has been replaced with a photo of an autopen.

ha ha ha ha ha ha! get it? get it? it’s because Joe Biden’s autopen actually ran the country! isn’t that a fucking knee-slapper? isn’t that the funniest thing ever?

what’s the word I’m groping for here, as the entire world bears witness to a president — nay, to an entire White House staff — this petty, childish and spiteful?

oh right: embarrassing.

but, as always, please keep in your mind these sacred words from the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

oh, and Mr. Ambassador?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Tiedrich Monday

all of us, as children, were fed a lot of fairy tales. you know the kind: princesses in castles, dragons, big bad wolves, yadda yadda.

but I remember one particular fairy tale that got drummed into our heads over and over, and it went like this: ‘America’s system of government is the greatest ever invented.’

it’s such an adorable story, isn’t it? but answer me this: if that were actually true, then how were the stupidest fucking morons in the universe able to break it so easily?

oh look, Preznit Fuckwit has a new superpower: crime-ray vision.

reporter: “have you ever threatened DOJ leadership if they don’t prosecute Letitia James?”

Donny: “no. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I mean, I look at the facts like everybody else. you read the facts, and to me she looks terrible, she looks like she’s very guilty. but that’s going to be up to the DOJ.”

that’s how Donny’s crime-ray vision works. he can just look at someone and know they’re guilty — and here’s who looks ‘very guilty’ to Donny: Letitia James.

what would you imagine was the one aspect of Letitia James that in Donny’s mind makes her ‘look guilty’? it’s pretty weird how almost all the people who ‘look guilty’ to Donny have the same thing in common.

now, for the other part of Donny’s mouth-fart, where he claims he hasn’t pressured Pam Bondi to go after his political enemies, and that it will be entirely the DOJ’s call.

fact check: oh please, just fuck straight off. we all saw what you posted to your janky app, Donny. look how it ends, with a demand that Bondi ‘serve justice.’

if Donny didn’t write that, I’d love to know who did.

hey, maybe it was his autopen. yeah, that’s it — it was Donny’s out-of-control autopen. let’s go with that.

after all, with Donny, every accusation is a confession. so if Donny is accusing Joe Biden’s autopen of committing every crime under the sun, then I’m absolutely willing to believe that Donny’s entire life is being run by some fucked-up autopen, and— [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being told that now, for the first time, we can reveal a photo of Donny’s autopen. here it is:

oh. well, that explains a lot.

Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin’s has a superpower of his own: dumbfuck-ray vision.

Dana Bash: “he’s asking his attorney general in a public way to go after his political enemies. he’s very open about it. you’re okay with that?”

Mullin: “well, I think what we know is President Trump is very open and transparent with the American people, and he speaks his mind. that’s what his supporters love about him.”

you know, when MarkWayne Mullin goes on the Sunday shows, it’s as if all the stupid in that’s backed up in his head all week can’t wait to vomit itself out of his mouth. let’s call it projectile stupidity.

but here, in this one instance, Mullin is correct: Donny is in fact open and transparent. he lies in public. he crimes in public. he’s racist in public. all that shit is right out in the open, because fuck you, that’s why. being in-your-face horrific is Donny’s brand.

and yeah, MAGA does in fact gobble that shit right down. why? because Dear Leader has, by example, given the worst people in the world permission to be the worst versions of themselves.

which brings us to Laura Ingraham, because I’m pretty sure that the worst version of Laura is the only version there is.

“…including a Democrat congressional candidate who was thrown to the ground by an ICE agent. good work.”

nothing to see here, just some Fox News fuckhead gloating over a Democrat being assaulted by one of Donny’s masked thugs. this, during a week where Republicans went totally ape-shit over anyone who failed to be ‘respectful’ of the memory of Charlie Kirk.

so, I guess political violence is only bad when it’s directed at Republicans? silly me. do I even have to ask?

the less said about the Charliekirkpallooza in Arizona yesterday, the better — so I’m not going to talk about it at all, except to observe for the umpteenth time that Charlie Kirk did not deserve to be murdered. but at the same time, that didn’t make him a saint.

the one thing, however, that was too fucking surreal to ignore was President Worst Version’s entrance — with fireworks.

who does this? who considers this a dignified way take the stage during a memorial?

like everything else in this skeevy dipshit’s life, it’s gaudy, tasteless, crude — and entirely inappropriate.

and MAGA eats it right up — because it’s a fucking cult. the tackier Dear Leader is, the more they adore him. I swear, we’re living a real-life Idiocracy.

let’s just listen to a true American hero instead — Jasmine Crockett.

Dana Bash: “a resolution that came before the house this past week, honoring Charlie Kirk, and there were 58 Democrats who voted against it. you were one. why?”

Jasmine Crockett: “absolutely. you know what? one of the things I do want to point out that’s not been laid out, that honestly hurts my heart, is when I saw the ‘no’ votes, there were only two caucasians. for the most part, the only people who voted ‘no’ were people of color. because the rhetoric that Charlie Kirk continuously put out there, was rhetoric that specifically targeted people of color. and so it is unfortunate that even our colleagues cannot see how harmful his rhetoric was, specifically to us, and I can tell you that a month prior to him passing away, he had actually gotten out on his podcast — I wasn’t aware of this at the time — but he got out there and he was talking negatively specifically about me, directly. so if there was any way that I was going to honor somebody who decided that they were just going to negatively talk about me, and proclaim that I was somehow involved in the ‘great white replacement’? yea, I’m not honoring that kind of stuff, especially as a civil rights attorney, and understanding how I got to Congress, knowing that there were people that died, people that were willing to die, that worked to make sure that voices like mine could exist in this place … and it is unfortunate that more of my colleagues, on my side of the aisle, could not see the amount of harm that this man was attempting to inflict upon our communities.”

Rep. Crockett is right, and shame on every Democrat who allowed themselves to be peer-pressured into voting to honor a white supremacist.

it’s the start of a brand new week here, and maybe our country can finally get back to what’s important: release the full, unedited Epstein files, you fucking fucks.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Dear MAGA…

From Palmer Report:

Dear MAGA,

I’m writing this open letter to you in the hope that, after our nation has lost a decade trapped in a running debate over the merits of one man, perhaps we might finally reach some degree of understanding each other. You’ve been clinging to this one man so tightly that long after the rest of us got rid of him, exposed him, convicted him, and tried to move on from him, you put him back into power. So considering where we are right now, today, I’m wondering: are you proud of what you’ve done?

The American economy is in shambles. Inflation is worse than ever. Everyone’s grocery prices are more expensive than ever, including yours. This one man, who spent his previous four years showing that he had zero understanding of economics, has now done to the American economy exactly what we said he would do. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has never been respected by those who knew him well, who displayed zero business acumen when he hosted a reality show about business, whose supposed financial prowess has been exposed to have been based on cooked books all along, who has always come off like a buffoon, who has spent the past few years babbling incoherently about sharks and fictional serial killers, and who obviously had dementia during his most recent campaign, is now barely able to walk in a straight line or speak a full sentence. You put a walking corpse back into the White House. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has been dishonestly demonizing nonwhite Americans from literally day one of his foray into politics, now has masked thugs roaming the American streets and scooping up anyone who isn’t sufficiently white – including the ones whose families have been here longer than yours. Including the ones who did important labor in your town. Including the ones you liked. Including, in many cases, the ones who voted for him. You put a guy back into power who is now rounding up everyone who looks brown, even if they’re MAGA. You’ve unleashed an out of control masked gestapo onto our streets to not only assault nonwhite Americans, but to also assault peaceful protesters just for kicks. You’ve turned America into something that feels like mid period Nazi Germany. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who has spent his decade in politics talking about and encouraging political violence at every turn, has created such an unacceptably violent atmosphere in this nation that one of your own favorite sons was shamefully murdered for opening his mouth. And no, we had nothing to do with that. Charlie Kirk is dead because you MAGA folks insisted upon putting a violent thug of a former President back into power while he was awaiting criminal trial for trying to violently overthrow the government of the United States. Are you proud of that?

This one man, who is so profoundly insecure that he still acts like a crybaby even now that he’s the most powerful man in the world, is now bent on getting every comedian fired who has ever made a joke about him. This one man has now declared, in exact words, that comedians are not “allowed” to make jokes about him. Talk show hosts are no longer even allowed to state facts about which side murdered Charlie Kirk, or else they’ll lose their job. America’s most fundamental freedoms of speech and press are being ripped up in front of our faces because this one man is too fragile to take a joke. Are you proud of that?

America is at an all time low. Everyone is angry. Everyone is miserable. Everyone is afraid of what comes next. Everyone is worse off than they were eight months ago, including you MAGA folks. All because you couldn’t accept that your first four years of supporting the most destructive piece of shit in American history were a mistake. America is barely breathing because you couldn’t let go of one man, no matter how thoroughly we exposed him to you. Now we’ve been proven right about every single thing we ever said about him, yet we’re all still stuck with him. Are you proud of what you’ve done? Because you owe us one massive apology.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: peak Kirk

in the wake of Charlie Kirk’s murder, big strong conservatives, tears in their eyes, have been falling all the fuck over each other in a mad dash to lionize Charlie as a great man. one of the greatest men. a man like no one’s ever seen before. a man like no one thought possible. possibly the greatest man of all time.

folks, get ready — because the canonization of Charlie Kirk has reached Peak Stupid.

Texas Rep. Troy Nehls: “Charlie Kirk was a man of faith, first and foremost. he loved his Lord Jesus, he loved his family, beautiful wife, beautiful children. just a remarkable, honorable man that was silenced with this assassin’s bullet. I would say if Charlie Kirk lived in the biblical times, he’d have been the 13th disciple.”

I’m going to have to disagree with Rep. Nehls, because I’m pretty sure that had the Kirkster lived in biblical times, he’d have been one of the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse. Grumpy, Dopey, Sleepy, and Charlie.

but that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

nonetheless, get ready to rejoice — because right now, Charlie Kirk is up in Heaven, fronting a band that I certainly hope is called Jesus and the 13 Apostles.

it must be pointed out that the creator of this nightmare fuel, Simon Hedges, is most certainly not a wingnut, and produced that image as a goof. however, that didn’t stop the internet from doing what the internet does best: fail to recognize a joke.

by the way, after I’m finished writing today’s post, I will be sending an angry email to myself demanding that I fire me for being insufficiently respectful to Charlie Kirk.

tuesday: they did what now?

of all the things that have never happened between two countries in conflict, here’s Tennessee Senator Bill Hagerty to hallucinate about the thing that never happened the most.

 

barely five years ago, China and India were fighting over a disputed border, and China used an electromagnetic weapon — they didn’t use bullets, but they used an electromagnetic weapon to literally melt Indian soldiers.”

seriously, Senator? what ‘electromagnetic weapon’ did the Chinese use? was it the Ark of the Covenant?

because we’ve all seen that famous documentary, Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we’ve all seen what the Ark can do.

hey, wait a minute. that Ark is ours. according to the Indiana Jones documentary, it should be in storage in some massive warehouse.

 

did those fucking Chinese steal the Ark of the Covenant from us? we must demand it be returned. Mr. President, we must not allow an Ark of the Covenant gap!

wednesday: new Biden scandal drops

stop the presses! tear up page one, and start all over — because that dastardly fuckhead Joe Biden has done it again.

Laura Ingraham: “he’s been out of office for almost eight months now, but every now and again, Joe Biden wanders out into public view — and that ice cream moment only reminds us that his entire presidency was built on lies.”

Joe Fucking Biden. how dare he eat ice cream, and remind us of how he brought us out of the pandemic and then gave us four years of prosperity?

but wait — how do we even know that is Joe Biden in that clip? what if Biden’s autopen has achieved self-awareness, and is now going out by itself, in Joe’s place?

confess, autopen — what have you done with the real Joe Biden?

I think we’re going to have to hold some hearings about this. hey, James Comer, are you listening?

whoops, it looks like Comer Fudd is busy right now.

the only thing you need to know about Fox’s creepy obsession with Joe Biden is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.

thursday: I never forget a face

it’s easy to forget, given the firehose of fucknuttery that is our current timeline, that DOGE is still a thing — and that a certain three-toed freak of nature chairs an entire House subcommittee about it.

that’s right, Congresswoman Sporkfoot is still holding pointless hearings, where she drags in some poor unfortunate expert and harangues them about whatever batshit is seeping from her head.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “did man create the Ice Age?”
witness: “no”
Greene: “right. so none of were alive back then to know for sure.”

Congresswoman, are we sure about that, that none of us were alive back then? I’m asking because the Museum of Confluences in Lyon, France, features an exhibit on Neanderthals —

and there’s a woman in that exhibition who looks pretty goddamn familiar.

so I want to ask you again, Congresswoman, are you sure none of us were alive back then?

remember, you’re under oath.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

some fucking idiot’s day started off badly, with a judge throwing out his ludicrous $15 billion lawsuit against The New York Times. no, wait — the judge didn’t just throw it out, he laughed it out.

The judge, who was appointed by President George H.W. Bush, called the complaint “decidedly improper and impermissible” and took Trump’s lawyers to task for using a legal complaint as a public forum for abusive language.

but that didn’t stop the fucking idiot from holding a press appearance where he insisted that losing is actually winning.

once again, the fucking idiot failed to understand how the First Amendment works.

and once again, the fucking idiot was rude to the press.

the fucking idiot blithered about Joe Biden’s autopen. wait until he finds out that Joe’s autopen has been going out by itself and buying ice cream.

here’s a new wrinkle. the fucking idiot now has a bug up his ass about retaking Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan, which I guess is a thing we’ll do right after we’re finished annexing Canada and invading Greenland.

throughout the entire presser, the fucking idiot kept his rotting hand hidden.

later, fucking idiot then announced that he’d blown up another boat — once again, without providing any proof of his outlandish claims.

and not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

how fucking idiotic is that?

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.