We Need More Jasmine Energy
Liar, Liar…
Friday Fuckery As Told By Jeff Tiedrich
you knew this was coming.
after Mad King Donny shitcanned the Commissioner of Labor Statistics for committing the treasonous crime of understanding how numbers work, it was only a matter of time before he announced that he had the actual job numbers — and they were great numbers. numbers like no one’s ever seen. maybe greatest numbers of all time.
yesterday was that day.
the Mad King excitedly dragged reporters into that vulgar bordello that used to be the Oval Office, held up a chart, and went see? see?
see what, exactly? Donny never explains.
this one chart really says it better than anything, if you look at this. this is great. but this chart is pretty amazing. right here. all new numbers.”
excuse me, Mr. President, but I have a question: what the fuck are you talking about?
seriously, does anyone have any idea what that chart is supposed to represent? we don’t know. the lettering is too tiny to read, and Donny never tells us. are those the number of times Donny’s mentioned in the Epstein Files?
what does the line in that chart signify? no one has the slightest clue. all we see is that it’s going up. up to where? to eleven?
break out the champagne, our roaring economy has finally gone all the way up to eleven.
are you wondering where that chart came from?
I hope you’re sitting down, because you’re going to be shocked when you learn that the numbers in that chart were ginned up, just to mollify the thinnest-skinned imbecile ever to load a diaper in the Oval Office.
Donny needed a compliant yes-man willing to fake some fairy-tale data, and oh boy, did he ever find one.
During an impromptu news conference, the president displayed charts from Stephen Moore, an economist at the conservative Heritage Foundation, that he said proved his economy was better than that of his predecessor, President Joseph R. Biden Jr.
oh look, it’s Stephen Moore, God’s Gift to Gibberish.
that’s just fucking great. Moore is one of these supply-side goons. he’s spent the last thirty years beating the drums for zero taxes for billionaires and the end of regulations. tell me, how has that economic hokus-pokus worked out for the rest of us?
seriously, though: Moore was purposely making happy-time charts for an Audience of One.
It just so happened that the Heritage Foundation economist had been crunching some census data, and he began assembling the figures into graphs that he knew would please the president.
“I showed him about five or six of these charts, and he was excited about the good news,” Mr. Moore said in an interview. “So he said let’s have an impromptu press conference.”
so that’s how we got the performative nonsense that played out in the Oval Office yesterday. some Heritage Foundation goofus went running to Donny to placate him with some made-up data, and Donny — who in no way understood what he was looking at — decided that the White House press pool had to get involved.
get in here, everyone — come see the line that goes all the way up.
Moore pretty much admitted that these ‘amazing’ new numbers were pulled straight from his ass.
Mr. Moore said his numbers were based on unpublished data from the Census Bureau, which means they are difficult to verify independently.
now let’s go live to the Heritage Foundation, where economists are busy crunching that ahem unpublished data.
tell me, is it a bad thing when a so-called quote-unquote economics expert doesn’t know the difference between ‘median’ and ‘medium’?
I really need to know, because here’s one of the charts that Donny and Supply Side Steve showed off to reporters.
let’s zoom in.
holy shit, it says ‘medium income,’ which is definitely not a thing — unless I’m unaware of the existence of ‘rare income’ and ‘well-done income.’
you can’t even google ‘medium income.’ when I tried, google assumed I had meant to type median, and displayed results for that.
how does an alleged economist not know this? this is who Donny has spoon-feeding imaginary good-news numbers to him. does it even matter that the charts make no sense? not at all, when the only goal is to please Dear Leader.
this is all so fucking embarrassing.
America is now an international laughingstock, because our president is such an unmanageable child that he has to be shielded from bad news.
you know who else had to be shielded from bad news because everyone was terrified of making him mad, don’t you? of course you do.
did you know that during the Donny’s first reign, there was a guy in the White House they called the Music Man? I shit you not.
According to a new book by former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, the “music man” was the only person who could manage Trump’s “terrifying” temper, playing hit songs from musicals to help calm him down.
This included the maudlin Cats ballad “Memory,” which finds an old, unloved feline pining for the days when she was young, beautiful, and adored.
this is our president: a colicky toddler who needs show tunes to keep him from stroking out. we really are living in the shittiest possible timeline.
but the current White House staff has one-upped the old one. they don’t need any Music Man to play syrupy show tunes, not this time around. the new plan is to coddle Dear Leader inside a impenetrable bubble of ignorance, by taking whatever steps are necessary to ensure that he never encounters a single piece of unpleasant news. if that includes ginning up nonsensical charts about how “medium income” is through the fucking roof, so be it.
and if keeping Donny happy includes letting him steal whatever he can get his greasy hands on, well, so be that, too. in that video clip at the top of this post, did you notice what Donny now proudly displays behind his desk?
oh look, it’s the Club World Cup Trophy that Preznit Grabbyhands stole. you remember that story: the head of FIFA brought the trophy to the White House to show it off, and Donny was all that’s mine now. the team that actually won that trophy had to make do with a cheap replica — because nobody wanted to make the Mad King madder.
we also had to allow Donny to steal the Declaration of Independence and hog it all for himself. there it is, on the wall behind that farcical ‘medium income’ chart.
have you noticed that every day, there’s more and more of that cheap gold-plated tat glued to every square inch of the Oval Office? look what he’s done to the fucking door.
hey Donny, I just got off the phone with the ghost of Liberace. he says to tone it the fuck down, you cheap hoodlum.
speaking of gaudy, here’s the most-recent photo of that abomination that they’re still calling the Rose Garden. the cement slab has now been festooned with patio tables.
why? who is supposed to be sitting in them?
but hang on, there’s something familiar about those umbrellas. they look pretty golf-motelly to me. wouldn’t you agree? wait a minute, I know where I’ve seen those umbrellas before. they’re exactly the same as the ones on the patio of Motel-a-Lago!
oh my god. fake charts, cheap golden tat, stolen treasures, and now a Rose Garden that’s a dime-store knockoff of his own dime-store golf motel.
he’s such a pathetic fucking child.
try not to laugh — or cry — at how embarrassing this all is. you don’t want to make the Mad King mad.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
The Key Phrase Being In Her Presence
turns out we can all rest easy, folks.
it seems that the sleazy convicted sex trafficker who used to hang out at the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy golf motel in order to procure teenage girls for the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy dead pedo bestie told the sleazy adjudicated sex offender’s sleazy personal lawyer that she never saw the sleazy adjudicated sex offender do anything wrong.
whew. I’m glad we finally got that settled.
during her nine hours speaking with Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche last month, Ghislaine Maxwell said nothing during the interview that would be harmful to President Donald Trump, telling Blanche that Trump had never done anything in her presence that would have caused concern, according to sources familiar with what Maxwell said.
oh, okay. Ghislaine never saw Donny do anything ‘concerning.’
well, that’s a fucktacular load off everyone’s minds, right? I mean, it’s not like the word ‘concerning’ can mean anything you want it to.
let me go out on a limb here and posit that if you see nothing wrong with befriending teenage girls so your ex-boyfriend can rape them, you might have a different definition of ‘concerning’ than most people.
on a scale of zero to Susan Collins, how concerned should we be about this?
The Trump administration, meanwhile, is considering publicly releasing the transcripts from the interview, multiple sources familiar with the internal discussions told ABC News.
oh well, cased closed, then. the transcripts will settle everything. I mean, everybody involved in this story is completely credible, right? it’s not like any of them have a history of lying their fucking faces off.
here’s a fun thing the Department of Justice said about Ghislaine Maxwell in 2022.
“Simply put, the defendant lies when it suits her.”
oh, is that wrong, lying under oath during a criminal trial?
because I gotta tell ya, Ghislaine Maxwell has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to her when she swore to tell the truth that that sort of thing was frowned upon…
as for Todd Blanche, it’s not like he hasn’t always been willing to pour gasoline all over his reputation and set it on fire, if Donny demands it. let’s relive one of my favorite moments from Donny’s Big Election Fraud Fuckery Trial.
Todd Blanche will be for the rest of his life known as the buffoon who stood up in court and tried to convince a judge that it was okay for his client to violate his gag order — because Michael Cohen called him Von ShitzInPantz.
Blanche proceeded to read that colorfully worded, offending post into the record as Trump sat listening at the defense table.
“This one says, oh my, ShitzInPantz,” Blanche recited as he entered a screenshot of the post into the court record as Exhibit 64 — without any objection from prosecutors.
The official court stenographer duly followed along, typing the phrase into the court record as “shits in pants.”
let’s see how that worked out for Todd.
“You’re losing all credibility with the court,” Merchan exasperatedly explained.
tell me — a defense lawyer lectured by a judge during a criminal trial about losing credibility, is that bad?
look, Donny and his minions can release all the interview transcripts they want. it won’t settle shit.
Ghislaine Maxwell — a convicted sex-trafficking sleazeball with a history of lying — has every reason in the world to continue to lie.
she’s already been rewarded for her efforts, having been moved from a maximum security prison to a cushy minimum-security prison camp — a move, by the way, that’s just going swimmingly for everyone.
Members of the federal Bureau of Prisons’ Special Operations Response Team have been positioned outside the front entrance to FPC Bryan since the weekend to check IDs and wave people through, two current employees told NBC News.
They said it’s an unfamiliar sight at the all-women, minimum-security camp where staff members and visitors can generally enter the grounds without going through rigorous security protocol.
oh, so the minimum-security prison isn’t minimum-security any more. I’ll bet Ghislaine’s fellow prisoners must over the fucking moon about that.
indeed, it looks like Ghislaine’s making some new friends, all right.
A prisoner at Federal Prison Camp Bryan told The Telegraph that she was “disgusted” by Maxwell’s transfer, a feeling shared by many fellow inmates.
Julie Howell, 44, who is serving a one-year sentence for theft, told the outlet that “every inmate I’ve heard from is upset she’s here.”
“This facility is supposed to house non-violent offenders,” she added. “Human trafficking is a violent crime.”
When Maxwell arrived at the facility, prisoners were reportedly locked down and had the blinds closed in an apparent attempt to hide her from view.
looks like Ghislaine should be sleeping with one eye open for the foreseeable future. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
and thank you for your attention to this matter, as well.
hey, remember that meeting that was supposed to take place at Couchfuck McGee’s house last night, where the Attorney General, the Deputy Attorney General, the White House Chief of Staff, the FBI Director and the Vice President were all going to get their stories straight about the Epstein Files? you know, just a perfectly normal thing that happens in any administration, when your the president has a dead-pedo-bestie problem that just won’t go away.
yesterday, some reporter actually committed a journalism and asked about it.
ance: “I saw a report today, and it’s completely fake news, we’re not meeting to talk about the Epstein situation, and I think the reporter who reported it needs to get better sources.”
Donny: “the whole thing is a hoax. it’s put out by the Democrats. we’ve had the most successful six months in the history of our country. and that’s just a way of trying to divert attention to something that’s total bullshit.”
shut the fuck up, Donny.
we’re not interesting in the word-adjacent noises seeping out of your rancid anus-mouth. right now, we need to talk about JD’s mouth-farts.
what’s that you say, JD? there was never a meeting, it was fake news?
then why is Reuters reporting this?
WASHINGTON, Aug 6 (Reuters) – A dinner for senior administration officials at Vice President JD Vance’s residence to discuss topics including the Trump administration’s handling of the Jeffrey Epstein case has been canceled after news of it leaked, a source familiar with the matter said.
these self-owning clownfuckers can’t even get their stories straight about a meeting to get their stories straight.
Team Donny can go right on playing their dog-and-pony games. they can release all the jailhouse transcripts they want. they can move Ghislaine Maxwell to an endless series of posh white-collar prisons. they can pardon her. hell, they can even hang the same worthless trinket around her neck that they hung around that drug-addled sex-tourist.
none of that shit is going to move the needle one inch. everyone knows that these lying liars are covering something up — and the more they weasel around and change their stories, the guiltier Donny looks.
release the Epstein Files, you fucking fucks. everybody wants to see them — even the MAGA cultists.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
BURN
Midweek Bat Shit Insanity Reported By Jeff Tiedrich
what’s this deteriorating old geezer doing up there? is he looking for the Epstein Files?
most of Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ ranting was lost in the ozone. here’s the intelligible part.
“it’s just another way to spend my money for the country. anything I do is financed by me. so you don’t have [unintelligible] contributed. just like my salary is contributed, but nobody ever mentions that.”
the official White House story was that Dear Leader went up on the roof to inspect the fugly concrete parking lot that now sits where the Rose Garden used to be, and also to get an eyeful of where he’s going to put that shitawful ginormous ballroom.
so, is Donny claiming he’s going to use his own money to pay for the dance hall construction? is that what this ‘anything I do is financed by me’ boast is all about?
fact check: bull fucking shit.
Donny never pays for anything. the opposite is true. not only is Donny enriching himself from the presidency, we the people are financing his Saudi-prince-wannabe lifestyle. Donny just spent ten million taxpayer dollars so he could spend five days goofing off and cheating at golf in Scotland. he charges the Secret Service obscene amounts of money to stay in the golf motels he visits every weekend.
for fuck’s sake, we’re shelling out nearly a billion taxpayer dollars to upgrade that vulgar flying bordello that he gets to take home with him when his nightmarish hellscape presidency finally ends.
so I’ll believe Donny’s personally paying for the White House to be turned into the Kremlin West when I see the cancelled checks.
hey, you know who else thought his official government residence was a tiny shithole that needed to be massively enlarged? of course you do.
here’s a fun item from the January 10, 1939 edition of The New York Times.
don’t you love that subhead?
Chancellor Explains That He Remains Simple at Home but Must Have Public Show
‘I’m Adolf Fuckin’ Hitler, bro. I gotta have that public show.’
just an insane megalomaniac Fascist dictator, insisting that he needs to create a constant public spectacle — of which he is the center. does that sound like anyone we know?
when you read these old New York Times articles about the pre-war Hitler, you realize they were sanewashing his crazypants shit, too.
if Donny was up on that roof hoping to distract people from asking questions about his dead pedo bestie, it didn’t work — because here’s Jeremy Newberger to win the entire internet, forever.
after that, #DiddlerOnTheRoof trended on Elon’s Nazi bar for the rest of the day.
the only thing you need to know about the Mad King’s rooftop antics is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.
speaking of the which, here’s a perfectly normal thing that our perfectly normal government is doing.
The administration’s handling of the Epstein case, as well as the need to craft a unified response, is expected to be a main focus of the dinner, three sources familiar with the meeting told CNN. The meeting will include White House chief of staff Susie Wiles, Vice President JD Vance, Attorney General Pam Bondi, FBI Director Kash Patel and Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche.
this is probably the most perfectly normal stuff ever. what administration hasn’t had to arrange a meeting with the Attorney General, the Deputy Attorney General, the White House Chief of Staff, the FBI Director and the Vice President in order to get their stories straight about the president’s dead pedo bestie?
because make no mistake, that’s what “craft a unified response” means.
pro tip: innocent people don’t have to get all their henchmen together to ‘craft a unified response’ to a cover-up. it’s all so blatantly corrupt, and they wonder why the press won’t stop hounding them about #DeadPedoBestieGate.
the only thing you need to know about this meeting at Couchfuck McGee’s house is that is that Diddler on the Roof’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.
oh lordy, look who else is going to finally get to the bottom of this whole Epstein Files thing. it’s the rake-steppingest fuckwit on Capitol Hill. Comer Fudd, the marble-mouthed moron who can’t even figure out how old Joe Biden is.
look at this massive self-own:
oh lordy, look who else is going to finally get to the bottom of this whole Epstein Files thing. it’s the rake-steppingest fuckwit on Capitol Hill. Comer Fudd, the marble-mouthed moron who can’t even figure out how old Joe Biden is.
look at this massive self-own:
The House Oversight Committee on Tuesday issued subpoenas for Department of Justice records on the Jeffrey Epstein investigation, as well as for interviews with a slate of former government officials in connection to the case.
bring it on, dumb-ass. let’s say that the Donny Administration actually complies (my money’s on them stonewalling the whole thing) and the DOJ actually sends over the files. does Comer Fudd not realize that Dear Leader’s name is all over that shit? way to make it public knowledge, bro. ace job. take a victory lap.
actually, Comer’s hand was forced by Oversight Committee Democrats, who got Republicans Nancy Mace, Scott Perry and Brian Jack to vote along with them back in July.
Comer was required to send the subpoenas after a Democratic-led subcommittee vote in July.
but check this out: Comer’s going to turn the whole thing into a clowntastic travesty, which is par for his course. look at who he’s subpoenaing to testify.
Oversight Chair James Comer (R-Ky.) announced that he was summoning nearly a dozen former officials to appear for depositions on the Epstein investigation — a list that includes former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Former U.S. Attorneys General William Barr, Alberto Gonzales, Jeff Sessions, Loretta Lynch, Eric Holder and Merrick Garland, as well as former FBI Directors Robert Mueller and James Comey were also tapped to give testimony in connection to the case.
gee, it’s all the people Donny’s accused of ginning-up the “fake” Epstein Files that his name definitely doesn’t appear in. it’s just more delusional performative nonsense to please an Audience of One.
the only thing you need to know about Comer Fudd’s dog-and-pony kabuki is that is that Donny’s name is on every page of the Epstein Files.
“we’re taking care of our farmers. we can’t let our farmers not have anybody uhhh you know these are very uh these people, that they’re— you can’t replace them very easily. you know, people that live in the inner city are not doing that work. they’re just not doing that work. and they’ve tried, we’ve tried, everybody tried. they don’t do it. these people do it naturally. naturally. I said ‘what happens if they get it’ to a farmer the other day. ‘what happens if they get a bad back?’ he said ‘they don’t get a bad back, sir, because if they get a bad back, they die.’ I said, ‘that’s interesting, isn’t it?’”
a ‘sir story’! everybody take a drink!
Donny actually does two racisms in that incoherent sound bite. first, he complains about the ahem ‘inner city’ people, who, according to Donny, are too lazy to work in the fields, even though ‘we’ve tried’ to get them to do it.
you know, I seem to recall that America did a very efficient job of getting ‘those people’ to work in the fields, starting around the year 1619 and going all the way to the Civil War.
the second racism is Donny’s nonsensical belief that migrants are particularly suited for farm work because ‘these people do it naturally’ — which, by the way, is the same thing the South said about black people in order to justify enslaving them and forcing them to labor for free for two hundred and fifty years.
these people do it naturally.
fuck you, you paternalistic prick.
wait, here’s one more clip of President Moron.
“we’ll be putting a initially small tariff on pharmaceuticals. but in one year, one and a half years maximum, it’s going to go to 150%, and then it’s going to go to 250%, because we want pharmaceuticals made in our country.”
wait, we’re doing what now? Donny’s going to make already-unaffordable drugs even more unaffordable?
but hang on — I thought Donny had already brought the price of drugs down by an astonishing fifteen hundred percent. that’s what he was bragging about two days ago.
“one of the things we’re going to be talking about pretty soon are the uhhh tremendous drop in drug prices. you know, we’ve cut drug prices by twelve hundred, thirteen hundred, fourteen hundred, fifteen hundred percent. I don’t mean fifty percent. I mean fourteen, fifteen hundred percent.”
Donny’s just farting out whatever random number he thinks of at any given moment. none of it makes any fucking sense — or is even mathematically possible — and the press just stands around, scratching their asses and going ‘well, I guess so.’
could any of you math whizzes out there explain to me, if you have a drug that costs $75 dollars, and you lower that price by fifteen hundred percent, and then you slap a 250% tariff on it, what does it now cost?
let’s ask Robbie the Robot if he can calculate it.
I thought so.
and now, let’s wrap things up with a round of Easy Questions, Easy Answers.
no. fuck no.
what the fuck is wrong with you, New York Times?
(by the way, don’t go looking for this shit-show of a headline on the Time’s website. after getting soundly mocked on social media, they changed it.)
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Midweek Elation From Jeff Tiedrich
Michelle Obama’s famous slogan, “when they go low, we go high” sounds really great on paper — but in a time of war, it’s a good way to get your head blown off.
and believe me, we are in a time of war — a war to preserve whatever scraps of democracy we still can, while there’s still a chance.
this isn’t the time for high-minded tut-tutting, or strongly-worded letters — which is why it’s so satisfying to watch New York Governor Kathy Hochul vow to go nuclear.
“I want to thank [Texas Democrats] so much for making this journey. you are on the right side of history — and you’re not alone. we are in solidarity with each and every one of you, and your colleagues in another state, hosted by my great friend JD Pritzker, welcome you as well. as I said, history will judge us on how we respond to this moment. but here in New York, we will no stand on the sidelines with the timid souls who don’t care, will not invest their heart and soul into this battle. this is a war. we are at war. and that’s why the gloves are off, and I say ‘bring it on.’”
Kathy Hochul understands the assignment, and she’s drawn a clear line in the sand: don’t fuck with us. if you gerrymander your state, we’ll gerrymander ours.
Hochul has embraced changing New York’s process since the fight over the Lone Star State maps escalated last month. Other Democrats have gone along as well: New York lawmakers introduced a state constitutional amendment last week that would let Democrats make mid-decade adjustments to their maps before the 2028 election cycle.
The redistricting effort she’s pushing in New York could open the door to a new set of maps that give Democrats an edge in 22 of the state’s 26 congressional districts by 2028. They won 19 of the 26 seats in 2024.
New York’s district maps are currently drawn by an independent commission, and Hochul is all that shit don’t fly no more.
reporter: “do you think, given the situation where we’ve had these court battles, that in this 2027 amendment that you may put forward that the independent redistricting commission should be disbanded, or changed in some way?”
Hochul: “yes. I’m tired with fighting this fight with my hands tied behind my back. with all due respect to the good government groups, politics is a political process. and to think we’re gonna do this with a purity test and make sure it’s completely fair to everybody involved. the reason we are able to draw the lines is because we’re Democrats and because the majority of state elected us to be leaders. and when we say that we cannot use that power to its fullest, then we’re abdicating the responsibility that we all have. Republicans take over the legislature, they can have at it — but until then, we’re in charge, and we’re sick and tired of being pushed around, when other states don’t have the same aspirations that we always have had — and I hold those dear. but I cannot ignore that that the playing field has changed, and shame on us if we ignore that fact, and cling tight to the vestiges of the past. that era is over. Donald Trump eliminated that forever.”
fuck yeah, Kathy Hochul. how long have you waited for those words to come out of the mouth of an elected Democrat?
that weird, unfamiliar feeling you’re experiencing right now is elation.
it sure feels good, doesn’t it, finally hearing a Democrat actually say that the playing field has changed, and the era of ‘oh, we’re Democrats, we’re above fighting back’ is over?
now get ready to overdose on elation, because Gavin Newsom is promising to redraw California’s map.
“these folks don’t play by the rules. if they can’t win under the current rules, they’ll just change them. that’s what Donald Trump has done. he’s dialing for seats—familiar behavior, since he dialed for votes in the last election. this is someone who tried to break this country, who tried to light democracy on fire on January 6th. he knows he’s going to lose in the midterms, and we have the opportunity to de facto end the Trump presidency in less than 18 months. that’s what’s at stake. that’s why we’re putting a stake in the ground. we’re not drawing lines just to draw lines — we’re holding the line: on democracy, on the rule of law, on co-equal branches of government, on popular sovereignty. that’s what this is about.”
they’re so chickenshit, these Republicans. they know that Donny’s policies fucking suck, and they know they’re going to get crushed in the 2026 elections and lose their majority in the House — so they’re going to do the only thing they know how to do: cheat.
finally, at long last, Democratic Governors are rousing from their slumbers and actually doing something to preserve democracy, before it’s too late.
thank you, Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom — and JB Pritzker, too.
thank you to every Democratic governor currently contemplating redrawing their electoral maps, for finally figuring it the fuck out:
this is a war.
you’ll never guess how Republicans reacted to getting a taste of their own medicine. they fell all the fuck to pieces and started whining about how unfair Democrats are.
“it is unconstitutional. it is illegal. but here’s what’s going on. everyone across the country needs to understand this. Gavin Newsom is planning to steal five Republican house seats next year … we cannot allow Gavin Newsom to get away with it.”
oh, boo fucking hoo. eat binkie, pal.
can you believe the nerve of these crybabies?
to these hypocritical shitnozzles, it’s perfectly okay for Texas to rip up their district maps in the middle of an election cycle in order gain five more Republican seats. but if Gavin Newsom does the exact same thing to give Democrats the edge in California, suddenly they’re clutching their chests and staggering to their fainting couches.
so unfair! so unfair!
nice histrionics, pal. now dry your eyes and put on a fresh diaper. you brought this war on yourselves.
let’s talk about Texas’s 1st congressional district. from 1846 to 2005 — 159 solid years — that seat was held by a Democrat. not one Republican was elected to the House of Representatives from TX-1. then, in 2005, Republicans gerrymandered the shit out of their maps. guess who’s been TX-1’s congressman since then?
that’s right, it’s this gibbering gobshite.
Louis Gohmert. the low-wattage fuckwit who said we could fight climate change by altering the moon’s orbit. I shit you not.
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) asked during a House Natural Resources subcommittee hearing if the National Forest Service and Bureau of Land Management could change the orbits of the moon and Earth in order to help address climate change. Gohmert’s office did not respond to CNN’s requests to clarify his remarks.
thanks to rigged maps, that’s the moron who’s been representing the voters of TX-1 for the last twenty years.
Gohmert was the first Republican to represent the district since Reconstruction. Proving just how Republican the reconfigured district is, Gohmert was reelected seven times with no less than 68 percent of the vote.
and now Texas wants to rig their maps again. they want to send five more Gohmert-level nincompoops to the House, in order to preserve the Republican majority they will otherwise almost certainly lose next year.
yeah? well, fuck that shit and fuck it hard. Republicans, let me introduce you to Kathy Hochul and Gavin Newsom. they’re not playing patty-cake any more.
what the situation in Texas — where over 50 Dems have left the state in order to break quorum and block legislation — calls for is a really futile and stupid gesture, and Texas Republicans are just the people to do it.
The Texas House voted Monday afternoon to track down and arrest more than 50 Democratic lawmakers who were not present when the chamber gaveled in. After the 85-6 vote, House Speaker Dustin Burrows said he would immediately sign civil warrants for each of the legislators, empowering the chamber’s sergeant-at-arms and state troopers to arrest and bring them to the Capitol.
ooooh, scary!
this threat to arrest Dems is nothing more than a toothless and impotent bit of performative nonsense.
They will not face civil or criminal charges from the arrests. The warrants apply only within state lines, making them largely symbolic as most of the legislators in question decamped to Illinois, New York and Massachusetts to forestall passage of the GOP’s proposed redraw of Texas’ congressional map.
Texas’ razor-wire-booby-trap-loving sadist of a governor, Greg Abbott, is also melting down into a big puddle of hissy right now.
Abbott has threatened to remove the lawmakers from office if they do not return to vote on the Trump-backed redistricting of the state. The governor also suggested that the lawmakers have committed felonies by fundraising to pay off their $500-a-day fees for not being present.
“This truancy ends now,” Abbott said in a letter sent to each of the departed members. “The derelict Democrat House members must return to Texas and be in attendance when the House reconvenes at 3:00 PM on Monday, August 4, 2025.”
here’s the official Democratic response to Razor Wire Greg’s temper tantrum.
oh my god, here comes the elation again. I think I’m passing out…
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
They’re Worried…
…about cartoon characters when the actual AntiChrist (or at least something that so closely fits their description of said being that should be setting off alarm bells) is sitting in the Oval Office?
???? ???? ????
“It Doesn’t Cost Anything To Be Kind”
Alan Cumming, Bisexual actor, guest-hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live and using the platform to speak out for transgender rights:
“America? How are you doing? No, really, how are you doing? I mean, how are you doing aside from being a country that’s just reintroduced concentration camps, taken health care away from 17 million people to give billionaires a tax cut, and also to finance an armed militia of masked men that commits heinous assorted kidnappings and crimes against humanity on a daily basis. Aside from all that, are you okay? I wouldn’t have thought so … I split my time between New York City, here in the United States and Scotland, my homeland … Yes, I am an immigrant from Scotland. Are you scared of me? I am taking an American’s job right now. But don’t worry, according to ICE I’m one of the good ones … Tonight’s show is all about superheroes. Not only are the Fantastic Four here as I said, but some of you may also remember me as Nightcrawler from the X-Men.
Of course, these superhero movies are only pretend, but I happen to believe there are actual superheroes in real life who walk among us. And these superheroes are called trans people, because just like superheroes trans people are both with something special and magical about them, and they often have to hide what’s special and magical about them from other people. Like superheroes they grow up in a society that doesn’t understand them, that makes them the other and often hates them. Like superheroes, trans people just want the world to be a safer place. And they believe we should protect each other and live our lives in peace. Like superheroes, evil billionaires want to get rid of trans people for no fucking reason whatsoever. And just like superheroes, trans people are not new. They’ve been around forever and they’re not going anywhere, no matter how much this administration tries to make you fear them.
There is no evidence that trans people are a threat to women. There is, however, ample evidence that the President of the United States publicly brags about barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms and grabbing women by their pussies. Wake up, America! Come on, millions of Americans are obsessed with his idea that trans people are attacking women in bathrooms. Do you know what trans people do in the bathroom? They poop and they pee. And I’m sure they always wash their hands afterwards. And why on Earth, this is what gets me, why on Earth would a rapist go to the bother of pretending to be trans in a country that actually treats rapists better than trans people?
Do think anyone in [The Felon’s] Administration could actually name two trans people … here in America the amount of hate crimes against trans people has risen hugely in the last year. And in Los Angeles, they’re up by 125%. Another surprising statistic? Our sitting president is a million percent more likely to be on the Epstein list than any trans person. So let’s not pretend that we’ve got our eye on the ball when it comes to sexual violence, OK, America? And how dare this president make random, unfounded accusations of sexual criminality against trans people when he was literally ordered to pay $83 million to a woman who accused him of sexual assault. It’s the pot calling the kettle black after trying to grab its handle in the changing room of a T.J. Maxx.
Trans people are far more likely to be victims of sexual assault or violence than be the perpetrators. Now, I know that some of you don’t want to look at trans people but, please America, at least force yourselves to look at the facts. There is no epidemic of attacks committed by trans people. But do you know how many people are killed every year by gun violence in this country? Over 46,000. And you’re worried about pronouns. Everyone in this country’s pronouns should be gun and control … [And] to people who repeatedly attack the trans community, why; why do you care so much? Why are you so upset by what other people do to their bodies in order to be happy? If it’s okay for the Kardashians and Elon Musk, shouldn’t it be okay for trans people? …
Even as an atheist I am a big fan of Jesus, I really am. I mean, what’s not to like? A tall, gorgeous man with great abs and flowing hair getting his feet washed by prostitutes and encouraging people to love their neighbors, all the while slaying in a loose caftan. And Jesus was an immigrant, by the way, let’s not forget. Jesus would have loved trans people. He changed water into wine. Is that not itself an act of transition? And you know how I know Jesus would have loved trans people? Because he loved people. He loved all people. And so of course he would love trans people and all queer people. I mean, Jesus was followed around at all times by twelve hot single guys. All of them also sporting caftans. You do the math. Jesus loved The Gays, America, deal with it. The only thing our current president has in common with Jesus is that they both owe their careers to their dads.
But seriously, just take a moment to realize what it must feel like to be a trans person in America today. Our government has legislated that trans people do not exist. It is trying to erase them completely. Imagine having to stockpile your essential life-saving medicine because your president might cut off access to it for no other reason than it makes him look strong to his base. If a government is going to declare that a whole group of people shouldn’t exist why can’t it be a truly dangerous group of people like those who take their socks and shoes off on airplanes and then go into the bathrooms? Why can’t it be people that use leaf blowers at unearthly hours of the morning? Why can’t it be unkind people? Which brings us back to Jesus.
Jesus just wanted us all to be kind. That’s all. So, for once America, I beg you, let’s all really try to give kindness a go. Like my little mom says it doesn’t cost anything to be kind. And I guarantee that any situation you find yourself in will go a little better with kindness. Now, speaking of kindness, despite this government’s slashing of funds for all things LGBTQ+, there are a number of great organizations out there still helping the queer and trans community, including The Trevor Project, P-Flag National, and Trans Lifeline. Please call them if you need them and support them if you’re able. Thank you so much for listening.”
I saw this at Debra’s She Who Seeks when she posted a YouTube video of Cumming’s monologue. It was heartfelt and heartbreaking, funny and sweet , harsh and kind.
I’ve been thinking of it all week and going back to one though: be kind. What difference does it make in your life is a person is trans? Who is getting hurt by a trans person? No one; but many are hurting the trans community for no other reason than ignorance and fear spread by the current regime.
We need to stand with our trans brothers and sisters and let the tares know that, once again, they are on the wrong side of history, of life, of kindness, of Jesus, of faith, of spirituality, of hope.
Check out Alan’s full monologue at Debra’s blog—click the link above—and hear the entire speech. It’s worth it.
[source]
Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
he’s so fucking gross, and he defiles everything he puts his nasty little hands on.
it was bad enough when he tarted up the Oval Office with so much tasteless gold tat that it now looks like the gift shop of a bordello. you could have sent a child in there, armed with macaroni, glue, and a can of gold spray paint, and they would have done a more tasteful job.
tell me, how broken-inside do you have to be to gaze upon a historic and beautifully-curated rose garden and think ‘nah, let’s pave right the fuck over that shit’?
Donny, we’re told, wants the White House grounds to look more like his seedy little Florida golf motel. why? he’s down at Motel-a-Lago almost every weekend. does he really get that homesick the four days of the week he’s up in Washington, that he needs to turn the White House into some sterile parking lot?
does Donny want to be able to look out the Oval Office window, and there’s the Space Nazi, high as two ketamine-soaked kites, sitting on the patio where the Rose Garden used to be, piloting Forkship One to Mars?
nobody asked for this — and yet it’s being shoved in all of our faces, because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells America’s Mad King what he can or can’t do.
now get ready to projectile vomit, because Little Donny Fuckface isn’t done shitting all over what we used to — in more innocent times — call The People’s House.
look at this abomination.
nobody asked for this, but Donny’s going to burn through two hundred million dollars in his quest to bulldoze the White House and replace it with a gaudy golf motel.
and I mean that quite literally — because I hear you asking ‘hey Uncle Jeff. ninety thousand square feet is larger than a football field. how is a ballroom of that size going to fit in the current White House?’
the answer is, it’s not.
the plan is to something-something-something the 55,000-square-foot East Wing and who the fuck knows what after that. if you want actual details, forget about it — because as usual, nobody in the White House can get their stories straight.
here’s Karoline Lie-vitt’s version.
The ballroom will be built where the “small, heavily changed, and reconstructed East Wing currently sits,” Leavitt said Thursday during a press briefing. When asked if crews would tear anything down to make way for the new structure, Leavitt said “the East Wing is going to be modernized.”
that’s complete nonsense. you can’t put a 90,000-square-foot ballroom where the 55,000-square-foot East Wing currently sits without tearing something down.
math, how does it work?
“It won’t be— it’ll be near it, but not touching it, and pays total respect to the existing building, which I’m the biggest fan of,” Mr. Trump said.
so which is it, you ass-clowns? is it going to replace the East Wing, or be near it?
by the way, here’s another artist’s rendition of the new ballroom.
oh no, wait — I’m sorry, that’s an actual photo of the Kremlin.
again, nobody asked for this. you can’t have healthcare, but Donny’s going to set fire to two hundred million dollars in his compulsive crusade to replicate his vermin-infested golf motel.
what’s next for the White House, Donny? hey, how about a spa? just think of it, bro — a vulgar golden spa, complete with teenage “spa girls,” just like the kind you and your dead pedo bestie used to fight over.
Donny won’t be happy until he’s shit all over everything we hold dear. one by one, he’s taken our once-sacred institutions and clownfucked them until they were worthless.
remember the Presidential Medal of Freedom? it used to be the highest honor that our nation could bestow on a civilian.
no more. now it’s that cheap trinket the president’s Slovenian trophy wife hung around the neck of some drug-addled sex-tourist.
Donny’s also made a mockery of our legal system. he’s used his presidential powers to pardon cronies, murderers and war criminals.
nobody should be surprised if he pardons the woman who used to wander the Motel-a-Lago spa rooms in search of teenage girls she could traffic for Donny’s dead pedo bestie.
speaking of which, the hornet’s nest Donny kicked when he let slip that he and Jeffrey Epstein fought over possession of those ‘spa girls’ shows no sign of going away.
yesterday, at a White House event for who the fuck even cares, the only thing the reporters wanted to talk about was you-know-what.
eporter: “the family of Virginia Giuffre released a statement overnight in response to some of the comments that you made this week, that Jeffrey Epstein ‘stole’ people from Mar-a-Lago. at the time, did you know why he was taking those young women, including Virginia Giuffre?”
Donny: “no, I didn’t know. I mean, I would figure it was ABC fake news that would ask that question, one of the worst.”
oh, so a fact that Donny let seep out of his rancid anus-mouth two days ago — that Virginia Giuffre was ‘stolen’ (she wasn’t your possession, Donny) — now, all of a sudden it’s ‘fake news’?
news flash for Donny: you’re the one who put the story out there, dumb-ass.
Does anyone besides the brain-dead cultists really believe that Donny didn’t know what Epstein was up to? what the fuck was that birthday poem about sharing ‘wonderful secrets’ all about?
was it Jeffrey Epstein’s recipe for the perfect bloody mary? was that the ‘wonderful secret’? I don’t think so.
don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining, Donny.
now let’s all enjoy Donny concluding his hissy-fit and walking smack into his podium.
fun fact: one of the signs of advancing dementia is the inability to move around without bumping into things.
here are your heroes of the day: the Swedish state-owned energy company Vattenfall, who hired Samuel L. Jackson to star in a commercial entitled “Motherfucking Wind Farms.”
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
if Mad King Donny thought questions about his dead pedo bestie wouldn’t follow him all the way to his dilapidated Scotland golf motel, boy did he think wrong — but thinking wrong has pretty much always been Donny’s brand.
Preznit Fuckwit had one of his Many Big Meetings™ yesterday — this one with British Prime Minister Keir Starmer. ostensibly, the meeting was to announce that the two countries had once again agreed to meet to discuss an outline for a framework for notes of a concept for an inkling of a trade deal — but none of the assembled reporters wanted to talk about that dog-and-pony shit. their questions were more along the lines of ‘what the fuck are you covering up, bro?’
reporter: “you said you have not been briefed on the Epstein Files, or your name does not appear in the Epstein Files. but doesn’t the AG have to tell you if your name—”
Donny: “well, I haven’t been overly interested in it. you know, it’s something— it’s a hoax that’s been built up way beyond proportion. I can say this, those files were run by the worst scum on earth. they were run by, uh, Comey, they were run by Garland, they were run by Biden and all of the people that actually ran the government, including the autopen. those files were run for four years, by those people. if they had anything, I assume they would have released it. the whole thing is a hoax. they ran the files. I was running against somebody that ran the files. if they had something, they would have released— now, they can easily put something in the file that’s a phony.”
hoo-boy. let’s see if we can parse this lunatic’s shit-blizzard of tortured logic.
first of all, President Pudding Cup doesn’t know what’s in the files, because he’s ‘not overly interested’ in them — but he does know that whatever’s in them is a hoax. but he also knows that nothing incriminating is in them, because if there were, Biden would have released them. but maybe there isfake stuff, because it would be easy to do. Donny can’t stick to one story.
notice how the cast of characters keeps changing. last week, Obama and Hillary were in the mix. this week, they’re gone, replaced by Merrick Garland and — get this — Joe Biden’s autopen. how the fuck does that work? how did the autopen help write the Epstein Files? can we get Comer Fudd to subpoena the autopen? I’ll bet it’s got stories to tell that would set your ears on fire.
never lose sight of the fact that Donny ran on a promise to release the Epstein Files — a promise he swore to keep, right up until the moment Pam Bondi took him aside and said ‘shut the fuck up about the Files already, your name is all over that shit.’ that’s when the Files magically went from real to a hoax.
that’s why none of Donny’s pungent mouth-farts about how ‘the Files are a hoax’ hold water.
every time Donny opens his big fat yap, he just makes himself sound guiltier and guiltier.
what’s that you say, Donny? you want to dig yourself deeper? go right ahead, my dude.
“and by the way, I never went to the island. and Bill Clinton went there supposedly uhhhhhhh 28 times. uh, I never went to the island, but Larry Summers, I hear, went there. he was the head of Harvard, and many other people who are very big people, nobody ever talks about them. I never had the privilege of going to his island. and I did turn it down, but a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island.”
methinks the Mad King doth protest too much.
Donny never went to Epstein’s island, understand? but look over there! Bill Clinton did, and so did Larry Summers! so did ‘many big people’! and ‘people in Palm Beach’! hey, you know who else went to Epstein Island? SQUIRREL!
by the way, where is Donny getting his information that Bill Clinton was at the island 28 times? is it from the fake Epstein Files that Hillary Clinton was one of the authors of? did she put that in there, the number 28? or was it the autopen who did that?
remember that with Donny, every accusation is a confession. his angry insistence that he’s never been to Epstein’s island is all the proof you need that he’s been there so many times that he could draw a map of it for you. oh no, wait — Donny doesn’t do drawings.
reporter: “that drawing that the Wall Street Journal report—”
Donny: “I don’t do drawings. I’m not a drawing person. I don’t do drawings … I don’t do drawings of women, that I can tell you. they say there’s a drawing of a woman, and I don’t do drawings of women.”
fact check:
does the Imbecile-in-Chief really not understand how totally guilty he makes himself look when he denies doing what we’ve all seen him do?
how’d that fucking drawing get in the book, Donny? was it Joe Biden’s autopen?
keep talking, Donny. you’re guaranteeing that the press never drops this story.
and now for the Crowning Moment of Moron. Donny’s going to — to at long last — divulge a 20-year-old secret: why did he break up with his pedo bestie? we’re all on the edge of our chair right now, because until this moment, Donny’s always refused to talk about it.
reporter: “the time you threw him out of Mar-a-Lago. would you settle that? what was that all about?”
Donny: “that’s such old history. very easy to explain, but I don’t want to waste your time by explaining it. but for years, I wouldn’t talk to Jeffrey Epstein. I wouldn’t talk, because he did something that was inappropriate: he hired help. and I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he stole people that worked for me. I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he did it again, and I threw him out of the place. and that was it.”
[I’d wager that good ol’ Jeff tried to get a piece of Ivanka, and as we all know, she’s strictly Donnie’s property. – MA]
wait, what? that’s what Donny’s pedo bestie did, that was ‘inappropriate’? he poached workers from Donny’s shitty golf motel?
that’s Donny line in the sand? that’s his bridge too fucking far?
so that’s what broke the friendship apart. not the fact that Epstein was a complete skeeve. that wasn’t ‘inappropriate.’ not the fact that Epstein literally raped the teenage girls that his equally-skeevy girlfriend procured for him. no, all that was totes cool with Donny, and certainly not ‘inappropriate,’ either.
all these slime-balls deserve each other — in hell.
oh, wait — before we go, let’s watch Donny struggle to answer a question that for once wasn’t about his dead pedo bestie.
reporter: “you talked about setting up food centers in conjunction with other organizations.”
here’s how you can tell that this European reporter has never dealt with America’s Mad King before: he uses a big word like ‘conjunction.’ but let’s let him continue.
reporter: “are you talking about Gaza? how will this work?”
Donny: “well it’s going to be working with the United States, uh, helping with the food. we have a lot of access to food. we gotta lotta food, ourselves, and we’re gonna bring it over there. we’re also going to make sure they don’t have barriers stopping people. you’ve seen the area where they actually have food, and the people are screaming for food, they’re thirty-five, forty yards away, and they won’t let them because they have lines. that are set up. and whether they’re set up by Hamas or whoever, they’re very strict lines. we have to get rid of those lines.”
what is Donny blithering about, he’s seen ‘lines’ set up by ‘Hamas or whoever,’ and that’s why starving Palestinians can’t get food?
once again, Donny doesn’t know shit about shit — but all this incoherent gibberish makes much more sense when you realize that Donny is probably reacting to a context-free clip he saw on Fox News. he has no idea what the lines were for, or who set them up — ‘Hamas or whoever’ — because he no doubt had the sound turned down and was only half paying attention.
that’s where Donny is getting his information on the massive, deliberate human rights violations going on in Gaza: from Fox News. he’s as fucking ignorant about current events as his own brain-dead cultists are.
maybe it was Joe Biden’s autopen that drew that line.
but wait — it gets stupider.
Donny: “we’re going to be getting some good strong food.”
I’m sorry, good strong what?
the sitting president of the United States has a toddler’s understanding of the world, and a vocabulary to match. it really makes you want to guzzle paint thinner straight from the can.
here’s your hero of the day: the unknown person who interrupted Donny’s remarks on the front steps of his ramshackle Scotland golf motel.
give a listen as Donny gets drowned out by the only sound on the planet more annoying than his own grating voice: bagpipes.
can we please hire this person to come to Washington, DC?
The Week In Stupid From Jeff Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: stop the presses! no wait, start them back up
here’s Utah Senator Mike Lee with some stunning news — the kind of five-alarm shit you can only announce with flashing siren emojis.
holy shit. Fed Chair Jerome Powell is out! fuck yeah! BUH-BYE, Jerome, you obstructionist cum-sock! rack up another win for Dear Leader!
I mean, it’s totally weird how no actual news source is reporting this, but look: Mike’s posted the resignation letter — and Mike’s an actual US Senator, so it’s got to be legit, right?
hang on — wait just one goddamned minute, what’s going on with that seal down at the bottom? let’s take a closer look.
Mike Lee, you fucking imbecile. you got taken in by some shoddy AI-generated slop.
look at the lettering, you dunce. “Odeo of Govery8s8 of the Eirebal Reserve SielVa” — which just happens to be my favorite branch of government, because they’re the ones who sAe our en5rre coun!ey’s in#riiet r4t88.
the Senator Dipshit deleted his tweet, but — look, Mike, I hate to be the one to break this to you: you do know what the internet never does, don’t you?
that’s right, it never forgets.
tuesday: cloudy with a chance of dumbfuck
what happened to Naomi Wolf? she used be a garden-variety ‘wellness’ crank who dabbled in vaccine denial, but evidently the covid pandemic completely clownfucked her brain, because now she’s a full-bore conspiracy loon.
not only does Naomi find the evil machinations of the Deep State lurking around every corner — she seems completely befuddled by the sky.
“I don’t even know what this is, Salem MA”
ooh! ooh! ooh! pick me! pick me! I know the answer!
oh wait, the entire internet got there before me.
now comes the part where we throw our heads back in laughter —
— because the entire internet also showed up to mock the shit out of Naomi’s dumb-as-fuck tweet.
undaunted, Naomi’s back for more.
ok, I confess, Naomi. this is what clouds look like when the Jewish Space Lasers are scanning the Earth in search of fuckwit conspiracy loons to torment.
don’t mess with us.
wednesday: the more you know
hey, remember Glenn Beck? me neither. as one of Fox News’ original found objects, he was fucking huge back in the day, with a highly-rated daily show. but that was then, and this is now. Glenn still does a show. you can see it on the who even cares, nobody watches it network.
what happens when a parody becomes a parody of itself? get ready to find out, because here’s Glenn to explain exactly how Barack HUSSEIN Obama treasoned with Russia.
oh my god, Obama’s evil conspiracy has so many tentacles that TWO chalkboards can barely contain the ginormity of it.
good lord, Glenn Beck has meme-ified himself.
but of all the questions raised by Glenn’s two chalkboards, there’s only one that I need answered: has Glenn Beck been filching his wardrobe out of the dumpster behind Steve Bannon’s house?
thursday: you know a lot of what now?
listen up, all you commie rat bastards trying to take down our Great Dear Leader. Tennessee Rep Tim Burchett has a question for you: what’s the big deal about Donny having a dead pedo bestie? don’t we all?
“they knew each other. they ran in the same circles. it’s just like me. I know a lot of dirtbags myself.”
excuse me, you what?
that’s a stunning confession, Tim — and we’re going to need to know a lot more about these ‘dirbags’ you’re hanging out with.
does your name show up over and over on their flight logs?
do your dirtbag friends have 14 different phone numbers for you in their little black books?
do you encourage your children to hang out with your dirtbag friends?
most importantly, do you and your dirtbag friends get up into the kind of madcap hijinks where you invite a bunch of young “calendar girls” to a “party” at your tacky Florida golf motel, and when they get there, they find out that the only two dudes in attendance are you and your fuckface pedo pal?
just asking questions, Tim. we’re still allowed to ask questions in the Mad King’s hellish dystopia, aren’t we?
friday: you see what kind of people?
you may have asked yourself, how did Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Barack HUSSEIN Obama find the time to gin up all that fake Epstein File flim-flammery, just to make Dear Leader look bad?
I mean, they produced hundreds of thousands of pages of documents. that’s a lot of work for just three people, isn’t it? even with the help of James Comey and John Brennan, come on, that’s still a fuckload of effort.
QAnon conspiracy crank Scott McKay has the answer: ginning up all that bogus data is a piece of cake when everyone involved is dead.
my contact called me afterwards and gave me an amazing drop of information, or confirmation, of what exactly has been going on in this battle. number one is that Hillary Clinton has been removed from the playing field. she was removed December 31st, 2018, I believe it was, at Gitmo. Trump witnessed it. horrible thing he saw, he said. apparently she wouldn’t die. so, he said he never wanted to see it again. also there were six, five different Bidens that have been playing out that role. I just got off the phone with the same person, who is now overseas. I sent him a text earlier about something, and he said, by the way, and I won’t mention the woman’s name, who this came from, this is a high-level official. but he said, the text that I just got from her, said, ‘fake Obama — arrest coming soon.’ so, once again, these players have already been removed from the playing field.”
um, Scott? Nurse Ratched is here to remind you that it’s medication time.
now here’s the nice attendant to help you back to your bed, bro.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
If You Don’t Want To Risk…
Right There With Ya, Andrea!
Vomiting It All Up
Variation Of The Streisand Effect
They are obviously unaware of how that works. Along with so. much. more.
No Lie Detected
Because It’s TRUE
Vomiting It All Up
Just Sayin’
The Week In Stupid With Jeff Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: taking the matter into her own hands
five-time international lap-hockey champion Handy Oakley knows exactly who we need to get to the bottom of this little Epstein Files dust-up.
“I want answers, and, um, maybe that takes a Special Counsel to do so. maybe Matt Gaetz can be the Special Counsel.”
oh really? the maddeningly-unindicted trafficker and former congressman Plankhead McSexpest? the guy who would regularly venmo cash to teenage girls, because reasons? the guy who flew girls to New York for the purpose of getting it on with them? the guy who would show off nude photos of his conquests to other congressmen? the guy who resigned because the House Ethics Committee was about to publish a report that exposed all this damning shit to the public?
that’s the recommendation of the vacuous airhead who gave her hookup a vigorous beetlejuicing in a theater? Matt Gaetz? that’s who should investigate the Epstein cover-up?
well, the answer is clearly yes, because of that clever legal doctrine known as it takes one to know one.
tuesday: if I had a hammer
hey, remember that bit in the Sermon on the Mount, where Jesus is all blessed are the kiddy-fiddlers? numb-nuts pastor Shane Vaughn apparently does.
“the only thing that’s coming today is the crucifixion of Donald Trump. oh no, not by the Romans. uh-uh. Yeshua, Jesus Christ, was not killed by the Romans. oh yes, they drove the nails — but it was the Jews that delivered him to them. and one can’t help but wonder, if history is not repeating itself, and we are not delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies.”
what the small-batch artisanal fuck? I’m sorry, who is ‘delivering Donald Trump to the crucifixion of his enemies’? — which, by the way, subject, objects and verbs in sentences, how do they work?
I just want to make it clear that I had nothing to do with any crucifixions. I was on space laser duty that day.
wednesday: what’s in a name
it must be exhausting to be a Fox News on-air bobblehead. you’re expected to be forever coming up with new ways to be an asshole. let’s watch as Jesse Watters knocks it out of the fucking park.
“so this guy has to lower rates immediately. and this guy, I mean, Jerome. funny name for a white guy.”
there we go. this is why we all worship at the Church of Jesse the Found Object. right in the middle of a government-ordained Two Minutes Hateagainst Fed chair Jerome Powell, Watters brilliantly improvises up a little drive-by racism. because, apparently, what self-respecting white parents would name their darling little bundle of joy Jerome?
seriously, what’s the deal with being named Jerome? maybe we should ask this guy.
here’s a dude named Jerome Lester Horwitz, though that’s probably not the moniker you know him by.
and then of course there’s this homey.
oh wait. Jerome John Garcia is half Mexican. maybe Jesse’s half right.
thursday: get a load of this fucking idiot
god-bothering uber-zealot Pastor Joel Webbon is the President and Founder of Right Response Ministries and the Senior Pastor of Covenant Bible Church. he’s also misogynist as fuck, as you’re about to find out.
“when you say, ‘well, I disagree with Pam Bondi, because I think she’s hiding the Epstein Files,’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah, but also I don’t like Pam Bondi because she’s a woman, and she shouldn’t be in public.’ not in politics. you and I are not the same. you don’t like her for this reason, I don’t like— it’s like ‘I don’t like Pam Bondi because of her positions’ and I don’t like Pam Bondi because she needs to be at home.”
how totally awesome. this guy thinks Pam Bondi fucking sucks — but not because she’s carrying water for Jeffrey Epstein’s adjudicated-rapist bestie Donny. not because she did fuck-all to prosecute Epstein when she was Florida’s Attorney General.
and certainly not because — as we all learned yesterday — that she had ONE THOUSAND FBI AGENTS working 24-hour shifts, combing though ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND Epstein documents and flagging any mentions of Dear Leader, and only after that did she decide that she couldn’t release the Epstein Files, because you-know-who was all over them.
no — this woman-loathing shitwad hates Pam Bondi because she’s not in the kitchen right now, making him a sandwich.
fuck you, Pastor Joel, for making Pam Bondi the good guy in this story.
friday: I DO DECLARE!
White House spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain is exactly the person we need right now.
I DECLARE EVERY DEMONIC BATTLE AGAINST YOUR MIND, FAMILY AND FINANCES IS CANCELLED IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!”
this is great. thank you, Paula. demons have been fucking our nation’s shit for way too long. at last, here is one woman who is unafraid to stand up and CANCEL EVERY DEMON, THE ALL-AMERICAN ALL-CAPS WAY, via a tweet on Elon’s Nazi Bar. that’ll show them demons who’s boss.
except for the part where Paula forgot to close her tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, which means it’s not legally binding, and that demons can just keep right on fucking our shit.
how do you not know this, Paula?
Paula, every demon is going like this right now.
thanks for nothing, Paula.
can not one person in this entire administration do one thing right?
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
But It’s Not A Cult…
RIGHT?!
Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!
since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.
apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.
I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’
but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.
Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’
I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?
you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.
never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?
so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.
what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?
by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.
that’s from the 1950s.
tuesday: new scandal drops
oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’
“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”
this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”
let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.
seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.
how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.
as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.
wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom
well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.
“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”
yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.
oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.
thursday: runnin’ with the devil
let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”
wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?
excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.
yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.
friday: so mad. so sad.
FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.
Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.
Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.
yeah! that’ll show ’em.
‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’
no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.
the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.
Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.
what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.
congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.
you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.
hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up
ah, memories.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
Vomiting It All Up
Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
spare some thoughts and prayers for MAGA, they’re going through some things right now.
it turns out that Dear Leader and his minions are lying to them. or maybe Dear Leader and his minions had been lying to them in the past, but are now telling the truth. or maybe they were lying back then and are still lying now. or maybe— fuck it, my head hurts. let’s just dive head-first into this mess.
here’s a thing that we definitely all heard Pam Bondi say last February.
Fox: “the DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients? will that really happen?”
Pam Bondi: “it’s sitting on my desk right now to review. that’s been a directive by President Trump. I’m reviewing that.”
“it’s sitting on my desk right now.” keep that line in your mind as you read on.
now, here’s a super-cool thing that President Donny once said about Jeffrey Epstein.
“I’ve known Jeff [Epstein] for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”
Jeffrey Epstein is, of course, the fuckface pedophile rapist who liked to host parties for his fuckface pedophile rapist friends, during which under-aged girls were — you guessed it — raped. Epstein would fly his fuckface pedophile rapist friends around in a private jet that was nicknamed the Lolita Express, because of course it was. everyone involved in this story fucking sucks.
Epstein got arrested in 2019 for being a fuckface pedophile rapist, and then, while in jail awaiting trial, either epsteined himself, or got epsteined by a person or persons unknown. we’ll never know exactly what happened, because the video camera that was trained on Epstein’s cell twenty-four hours a day magically stopped running for a minute, and when it started back up again, Epstein was on the wrong side of dead.
by the way, after Epstein got arrested, Donny changed his story. Epstein was no longer his great friend. the new fairy tale was that Donny barely knew the guy, and never liked him, and they hardly ever hung out — which is weird, because there are more photos of Donny and Epstein together than there are of Donny with his own son Barron.
look at these two homeys who barely know each other. they sure act like complete strangers, don’t they?
anyhoo, it has long been rumored that Epstein kept a ‘client list’ of all the fuckface pedophile rapist friends who partied with him. that’s the list that Pam Bondi insisted was ‘on her desk’ last February.
one of Donny’s campaign promises was that he was going to release that list. that promise was red meat for the cultists, because supposedly the list was being suppressed by all the Democrats who were on it, and Donny was at long last going to expose them all.
it’s here that I must state that if there actually is a ‘client list,’ everyone on it — Democrat or Republican — should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
in March — a month after Pam Bondi assured us that the Epstein client list was ‘on her desk’ — a bunch of MAGA influencers were invited to the White House and were all given binders that were labeled “The Epstein Files, Part 1.”
it was a complete dog-and-pony show. there was nothing new in the binders, just a rehash of material that had already been made public. but don’t worry, the White House told the influencers, Part 2 is going to have all the good stuff in it. you’re going to finally see that client list that’s been on Pam Bondi’s desk.
all of this winding-up of the cultists is super fucking weird, considering that two days ago, the DOJ completely changed their tune and announced that there never was a client list, and Jeffrey Epstein epsteined himself.
and now, every cultist is all what the fucking fuck?
in fact, all of us are asking what the fucking fuck? because we all heard Pam Bondi say that the client list was ‘on her desk,’ and that she had a directive from Donny to ‘review it.’
even Fox News lapdog Peter Doocy wants to know what the fucking fuck?
Doocy: “so what happened to the Epstein client list that the attorney general said she had on her desk?”
Leavitt: “I think if you go back and look at what the attorney general said—”
Doocy: “I’ve got the quote. she said, ‘it’s sitting on my desk right now to review.’”
pro tip: if Peter Doocy is using you as a chew toy, you just might be shit at your job.
so, who told the DOJ to change its story, after months of stringing the cultists on? was it someone whose name rhymes with Ronald Blump?
did Ronald Blump suddenly remember that his name is on the list, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to release it? we’ll never know. all we can do is speculate.
I’m not a conspiracy guy, but I do know when I’m being fed bullshit.
one thing is for certain — Ronald Blump sure seems interested in changing the subject.
reporter: “could you say why there’s a minute missing from the jailhouse tape?”
Pam Bondi: “sure. if I—”
Donny, cutting her off: “could I just interrupt for one second? are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? this guy’s been talked about for years. you’re asking— we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things— and, are people still talking about this guy?”
yes, Donny. people are still talking about ‘this guy’ — because as usual, none of your lies add up.
in the absence of facts, one thing we can do is mock all the dipshit cultists who just realized they got played.
Pizzagate Jack wants to know why, if there was no client list, Ghislaine Maxwell is still in jail.
so does Madge Three-Toes.
stop it, you two. you’re breaking our hearts.
then there’s the ‘why is the deep state doing this to Donny’ contingent, led by Fox News found object Jesse Watters.
it would break Jesse’s brain to admit that Dear Leader has any culpability in the disappearing of the list, so he has to pretend that the DEEP STATE is in the room with us right now.
wait, it gets better: roasted ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson knows the real reason the Deep State destroyed the list.
According to Carlson, the government was actually hiding Epstein’s black book because it would reveal his involvement with American and Israeli spy agencies.
so move over, Deep State, because American and Israeli spy agencies are also in the room with us right now. it’s getting fucking crowded in here.
oh no, Donny — you’ve lost Roseanne Barr.
she’s this close to getting it.
oh gee, did Roger Stone just out himself as being on the client list?
Roger, why so upset? no one mentioned your name — except you.
also, you’ve got to love all the cultists asking “Pam Bondi, who are you protecting?”
you dumb fucknuts, who do you think Pam Bondi is protecting? she only works for one person, you know.
now get ready for the Crowning Moment of Dumb-ass.
so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s the Deep State, American and Israeli spy agencies, QAnon, Pam Bondi, the media, and a five-dimensional chess board who are all in the room with us right now.
I gotta step out for a moment. I need some fresh air.
the one person in all this who has been unafraid to point his finger at Donny is, of course, the Space Nazi.
but Elon has his own problems right now.
it seems that in his quest to get his own AI, Grok, to stop being so goddamned woke all the time, he over-corrected — and yesterday, Grok spent the entire afternoon tweeting out pro-Hitler messages.
Grok even started calling itself “MechaHitler.”
gosh, it’s hard to believe that the guy who sieg-heiled to commemorate Donny’s inauguration would turn his AI into a pro-Hitler chatbot.
how did we Nazi this coming?