Category: Beating Back the St00pid

Posted on

I Miss Joe.

For the four years Biden was in office, not ONCE did I wake up and think, WTF did he do now?  I miss that.

Posted on

That’s easy. Are her lips flapping? She’s lying.

Posted on

Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

Posted on

Stupid Americans

Banger of a post by “tarltontarlton” on Reddit:

That same process is happening now with stupid people. They’re transcending their individual limitations, finding each other and becoming out-and-proud Stupid-Americans. […]

How individual stupid Americans are becoming the collective, self-aware group of Stupid-Americans is a great idea for a lot of very fancy journalism I’m sure. It’s probably got something to do with the internet, where stupid people can find and repeat stupid things to each other over and over and over again.

I believe it has a lot to do with the Internet, which has functioned as a terribly efficient sorting machine. It used to be that there were conservative Democrats and liberal Republicans. Both political parties were, effectively, shades of purple. Now we’ve sorted ourselves, and the result is the palpable increase in polarization. Low-IQ stupidity might still be spread across both sides of the political aisle, but willful ignorance — the dogmatic cultish belief that loudmouths’ opinions are on equal ground with facts and evidence presented by informed experts — is the entire basis of the MAGA movement. A regular stupid person might say, “Well, I don’t know anything about vaccines, so I better listen to my doctor, who is highly educated and well-informed on the subject.” An out-and-proud Stupid-American says “I don’t know anything about vaccines either, so I’m going to listen to a kook who admits that a worm ate part of his brain, because I can’t understand the science but I canunderstand conspiracy theories.”

If written language survives the next six weeks, we’ll be writing about Donald Trump for a thousand years. But whatever else there is to say, the most important thing about Donald Trump, the thing that is obvious from watching him speak for just 14 seconds, is that he is profoundly stupid. Whatever it is that he might be talking about or doing at any given moment, it’s clear that while he has a reptilian instinct for reading and stoking conflict, he has no real idea what’s going on and he doesn’t really care to. Stupid is what he is and where he comes from. It is his mind and his soul. Catholic was what JFK was. Gay was what Harvey Milk was. Stupid is who Donald Trump is.

And that’s what they love most, the Stupid-American voters.

Remember that sentence you heard at the beginning of all this in 2016? “He’s just saying what everybody is thinking.”

But see, not everybody was thinking that Hillary Clinton was an alien, that global warming was a Chinese hoax and that what America needed most of all was a plywood wall stretching from Texas to California. Only the stupid people were. And suddenly, in an instant, the most powerful man on earth was thinking just like them. With his clueless smirk and unstoppable rise, he turned people whose stupidity made them feel like nobody into people who felt like everybody.

That’s why he’ll never lose them. Because it was never about what he did or didn’t do. All that stuff is very confusing and the Stupid-American community isn’t interested in the details. They love him for who he is, which is one of them, and because he shows them every day that Stupid-Americans can reach the social mountaintop.

(Via Kottke.)

Posted on

Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

barely a month ago, America’s Mad King was zipping around the Gulf, scooping up tribute — a vulgar flying bordello here, a mobile burger truck there — as amirs and crown princes jockeyed to curry favor.

when Donny spoke, people fucking well listened!

now it’s all gone to shit. nobody pays attention to the Mad King any more. world leaders have figured out they can get along just fine without him.as a result, he can’t do trade deals. he can’t end wars. Donny can’t even arrange a ceasefire between his butt and his diaper.

look at how mad the Mad King is. he’s a frustrated little rageaholic. let’s watch him melt down after Israel and Iran were all ‘ceasefire this, pal,’ when he begged them to stop bombing the shit out of each other.

“Israel, as soon as we made the deal, they came out and they dropped a load of bombs the likes of which I’ve never seen before. the biggest load that we’ve seen.”

no, Donny. you’re the biggest load that we’ve seen. but please, do go on.

“I’m not happy with Israel. you know, when I say, ‘okay, you have twelve hours,’ you don’t go out in the first hour, just drop everything you have on them. so I’m not happy with them, I’m not happy with Iran, either. but I’m really unhappy if Israel’s going out this morning, because the one rocket that didn’t land, that was shot, perhaps by mistake, that didn’t land. I’m not happy about that. you know what? we basically have two countries that have been fighting so long, so hard, that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”

bro, u mad?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and posit that Israel and Iran know exactly what the fuck they’re doing, and it’s Donny who never knows what the fuck he’s doing.

presidents dropping f-bombs, it must be said, should be a big bowl of so fucking what. in case you haven’t noticed, people fucking swear — but I need to point that a couple years ago, after it was reported that Joe Biden cussed like a sailor in meetings, every Republican clutched their pearls and fainted dead away.

naturally, they tried and failed to blow it up into a scandal.

anyway, back to Donny. in that clip above, the Mad King was on his way to a NATO summit in The Hague.

(yes, I know — the only reason Donny should be in The Hague is to stand trial for his crimes. but unfortunately, that’s not the timeline we’re living in.)

that NATO summit is just getting underway, as I write this — and by the time you read these words, the summit will have ended, and Donny will be on his way back to the White House.

now, I can hear you asking: but Uncle Jeff, aren’t NATO summits usually three-day affairs? why is this one only a few hours long?

the answer is simply this: this summit is only hours-long because Donald J. Trump is an asshole.

Nato has cut back the upcoming leaders’ summit to just one working session to avoid Trump walking out early as he did recently at a G7 meeting. Originally supposed to take place over three days, the summit will be limited to just a two-and-a-half hour working session among the 32 leaders.

The decision was taken to ensure Trump did not get bored and leave early, three officials briefed on the preparations told the Financial Times.

holy shit. nobody wanted a repeat of what happened at the G7 last week, when the narcoleptic old fart factory fell asleep — and probably filled the meeting room with the pungent aroma of ass music.

dammit, Donny, we beg of you — CEASE FIRE.

and then, of course, Donny left early, in a big huff — the official story being that he had to rush home so he could END ALL WARS FOREVER. the real story that eventually came out was that if Donny had stuck around, he would have had to rub elbows with the G7’s guest of honor, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. the horror. the horror.

there’s your Dear Leader, cultists. aren’t you proud? he’s such an unpleasant son of a bitch that no world leader wants him around. NATO switched around their whole schedule just to get him the fuck out of their sight as quickly as possible.

it’s all so embarrassing.

 

apparently, Donny was in a pretty good mood by the time his plane landed in The Hague. his plan was to saunter into that NATO meeting as if he were God’s own gift to the world, puff out his chest, and brag about having blown Iran’s nuclear fuel program back into the stone age — but then word got out that yeah, no, none of that shit was true.

The report’s finding, while preliminary, was particularly damaging because it emerged from inside the Pentagon, which had carried out the strikes, and it concluded that the military action had only set Iran’s nuclear program back by a number of months.

in the end, it was just another adventure in clownfuckery by Team Donny. first we find out that because Donny couldn’t stop running his rancid anus-mouth, Iran had enough advance warning to hide their enriched uranium — and now we find out that all those multimillion dollar bunker-buster bombs barely busted any bunkers after all.

this is what happens when you put a Fox News dunk-tank clown in charge of the military, and then that same dunk-tank clown fires everyone in the Pentagon who would have known how to get that shit done.

Donny was livid — but not with Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, for being a fuck-up. he was mad at the media, for reporting the truth.

“it’s gone for years. years. very tough to rebuild because the whole thing is collapsed. in other words, inside, it’s all collapsed. nobody can get in to see it, because it’s collapsed. it’s a room that has ten million tons of rock in it.”

fact check: Donny is making shit up. he’s living in a narcoleptic fart-enhanced dream world, and contradicting his own Pentagon’s reportthat Iran’s nuke program has been set back ‘only a few months.’ apparently, Donny knows more about collapsed rocks than all the rock collapsers.

“this was an unbelievable hit by genius pilots, and genius people in the military.”

fact check:

“and they’re not being given credit for it because we have scum. CNN is scum. MSDNC is scum. the New York Times is scum. they’re bad people. they’re sick.”

bro, u still mad?

here are your heroes of the day: the voters of New York City.

with 93% of the votes counted, Zohran Mamdani — a genuine progressive — appears set to win the Democratic primary for Mayor of NYC.

Zohran Mamdani, a little-known state lawmaker whose progressive platform and campaign trail charisma electrified younger voters, stunned former Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo in the Democratic primary for mayor of New York City on Tuesday night, building a lead so commanding that Mr. Cuomo conceded.

props must be given to Andrew Cuomo, for surprising the hell out of everybody by graciously conceding defeat last night.

Fox News, of course, is already trying to terrify their viewers with visions of the communist hellhole that a Mamdanified New York City will become.

look at all this scary shit.

building affordable housing! providing free mass transit! protecting LGBTQIA+ rights! raising the minimum wage! telling ICE to fuck all the way off!

don’t threaten us with a good time, Fox.

 

Posted on

when the sentient cockroaches who inherit the Earth from us try to figure out how it all became a smoking, radioactive ruin, they’re not going to believe the truth: that a vindictive, score-settling psychopath went postal because his handlers hustled him out of the G7 before he could power-load his diaper and use it to paint the walls — and because the dumbfuck Fox News dunk-tank clown he made SecDef couldn’t military-parade his way out of a paper bag.

yesterday, while Macron, Meloni, Carney & Co. were gee-sevenning it up in Canada, Mad King Donny was seething in the White House. his handlers may have hidden Donny away from the cameras, but they stupidly forgot to hide his phone — and they should have, because—

hang on, I think we’re getting a Royal Dispatch from His Highness right now. let’s check it out.

We now have complete and total control of the skies over Iran. Iran had good sky trackers and other defensive equipment, and plenty of it, but it doesn’t compare to American made, conceived, and manufactured ‘stuff.’ Nobody does it better than the good ol’ USA.”

ohhh-kay. good to know, bro. thanks for checking in with us. we’re going to get back our— oh wait, you’ve got another Kingly Pronouncement? lay it on us.

We know exactly where the so-called “Supreme Leader” is hiding. He is an easy target, but is safe there – We are not going to take him out (kill!), at least not for now. But we don’t want missiles shot at civilians, or American soldiers. Our patience is wearing thin. Thank you for your attention to this matter!


for fuck’s sake, “thank you for your attention to this matter” is how you close a disgruntled email to your town board because that pothole in front of your house isn’t being fixed fast enough.

it’s not how you close a social media post where you threaten the life of the leader of Iran.

none of this is normal — yet we’re all so far down the rabbit hole with this deranged psychopath that the press barely takes notice.

but wait — the rabbit hole goes even deeper, and now we’re so far down it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — is the lone voice of sanity among Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns.

Kaitlin Collins: “you always said that you don’t believe the Iran should be able to have a nuclear weapon. but how close do you think they were go getting one? because Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

how lovely, Donny doesn’t care what Tulsi Gabbard said. Donny knows what he knows — and goddammit, he’s not going to let his own Director of National Intelligence change his mind.

put yourself in Donny’s place. if you were president, who would you listen to: the woman whose job is to know everything that’s going on in the world, or the barking noises inside your own head?

for Donny, hands-down it’s the barking noises. because Dear Leader is desperate for a win right now. everything’s turned to shit. no one takes his tariff pronouncements seriously any more. everyone laughing at Taco Donny. that ahem alleged drunk fuck at the Pentagon totally botched what was supposed to be a glorious military parade.

and don’t get Donny started on those smug G7 shitheads, rolling their eyes and making fun of him behind his back.

and then, the ultimate indignity — his handlers hustling him back to DC in the middle of the night, because they were afraid he’d completely lose it in public.

so what if Donny fell asleep again, right in the middle of a G7 meeting? so what if everyone was staring at him in disbelief? those people are boring, anyway. all they do is yap yap yap yap.

Donny’s going to show them all. he’s going to throw in his lot with that other bloodthirsty butcher, Netanyahu, and rattle swords and make threats — and if it leads to American bombs dropping in the Middle East, all the better. because fuck you, that’s why.

nobody sidelines Donny.

hang on, I think Dear Leader has another kingly dispatch —

“It is my Great Honor to announce that I will be putting up two beautiful Flag Poles on both sides of the White House, North and South Lawns. It is a GIFT from me of something which was always missing from this magnificent place. The digging and placement of the poles will begin at 7:30 A.M. EST, tomorrow morning. Flags will be raised at approximately 11 A.M. EST. These are the most magnificent poles made – They are tall, tapered, rust proof, rope inside the pole, and of the highest quality. Hopefully, they will proudly stand at both sides of the White House for many years to come!”

FLAGPOLES???? this insane fuck is posting about flagpoles?

bro, you just put the entire world on high alert. we’re all just sitting here, chewing our fingernails and wondering when the missiles are going to start flying, and now you’re blithering a mile a minute about ‘magnificent,’ ‘high-quality’ flagpoles?

look at this crazypants shit. he’s personally directing where the holes are to be dug. this is primo fucking lunacy.

Donny is morally unwell, mentally unwell — and clearly physically unwell. he’s a mess. what is going on with his face? what the fuck is going on with his hand?

that’s a photo of Donny at the G7. his right hand is swollen and bruised. what are Donny’s handlers not telling us about this deteriorating old shitnozzle?

thank you for your attention to this matter, handlers.

wait, what’s that, Donny? you have one more thing to get off your chest?

oh great, the Mad King is awake at 1:35am and hallucinating about imaginary poll numbers.

maybe we should just let the sentient cockroaches take over.

thank you for your attention to this matter, roaches.

let’s watch as the frozen fish-stick heir goads the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun into completely losing his shit.

Tucker Carlson: “how many people live in Iran by the way?”

Ted Cruz: “I don’t know the population.”

Carlson: “at all?”

Cruz: “no, I don’t know the population”

Carlson: “you don’t know the population of the country you seek to topple?”

Cruz: “how many people are living there?”

Carlson: “92 million.… How could you not know that?”

Cruz: “I don’t sit around memorizing population tables.”

Carlson: “Well, it’s kind of relevant because you’re calling for the overthrow of the government.”

the whole thing devolves from there.

now, let’s be clear about what’s going on here. Tuckums is being a bully, and using a technique that gun nuts, toxic male influencers, religious wackos and conservatives in general, use to ‘win’ debates: they harangue their opponents, and declare their opinions invalid if they can’t correctly answer questions about minutiae — and Fidel Cruz falls right into Tuck’s trap.

but still — isn’t it fun to watch two hateful assholes exasperate the shit out of each other?

we’re all in bad need of a hero right now, so let’s listen in as a CSPAN caller rips Jake Tapper — who is apparently still making the rounds and hawking his failed shithole book — any number of new ones.

“right now I really don’t like you. I think you’re doing a disservice to Joe, and also to the American people. when are you going to examine what is going on with Trump? Joe Biden conducted himself for four years, taking care of the United States. he took meetings, he went overseas, he negotiated with other leaders. this president has been pure chaos, which indicates to me that there is something wrong with him. we will never get a straight answer on his medical exam, what medication he is on, and yet you have gone after Joe Biden with a vengeance. I’m very disappointed in you. I enjoyed watching your show, but not any more. and I think right now, that you ought to start writing another book, examining Trump, and how erratic he is, and what he is doing.”

thank you for your attention to this matter, Jake.

Posted on

Tuesday Madness

let’s say you’re the low-wattage leader of a nation, and you’ve just publicly humiliated yourself by throwing the world’s most clownfuckingly-inept dictator-parade ever.

what do you do for an encore?

well, if you’re United States President Squeaky McTanktread, you head to Canada and publicly humiliate yourself at the G7.

let’s dive right in and bear witness to the atrocities — but before we do, let’s set the National Embarrassment ticker back to zero.

here’s Donny’s crowning moment of the day: the announcement of a a framework for an agreement to move forward on the concept of a plan to have a series of talks that could lead to the negotiation of a discussion about the possibility of reaching a trade agreement— well, something like that, anyway. my head hurts from trying to keep Donny’s ever-shifting narratives straight.

Donny: “you all know the great PM of the UK and we just signed a document.”

*drops documents*

Donny: “whoops, sorry about that. a little windy out here. we just signed it and it’s done and so we have our trade agreement with the European Union.”

what, what wind? do you see any wind? if it were windy, that tangled rat’s nest of cotton candy bullshit Dear Leader hot-glues to his head would be flying all over the place.

like this.

but more importantly — did you catch that Preznit Fuckwit confused the UK with the European Union? I don’t know about you, but I seem to recall a rabid press corp that pissed all over themselves with glee every time Joe Biden momentarily screwed up a name — and then corrected himself.

that was a national news story. a lifelong stutterer had to defend himself after mispronouncing a name.

hey crickets of the press, got anything to say about Dear Leader apparently having no fucking clue which country he’s signing imaginary agreements with?

hey, Jake. Jaaaaake! you there?

I guess Jake Tapper must be on one of his frequent coffee breaks. being a world-class journalist does require near-constant caffeination, you know.

sigh. let’s set that embarrassment ticker back to zero again.

now, here’s Dear Leader mouthing the talking points Vladdy Pute whispered into his ear late one night while they were having pillow talk.

“The G7 used to be the G8. Barack Obama and a person named Trudeau didn’t want to have Russia in, and I would say that was a mistake, because I think you wouldn’t have a war right now if you had Russia in.”

let’s do some basic fact-checking: WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG and WRONG.

Putin was eighty-sixed from the G8 in 2014, after he invaded Crimea and declared that the region was now part of Russia. hey, you know who was PM of Canada in 2014? some dude named Stephen J. Harper. he was the head of Canada’s Conservative Party. Trudeau didn’t become PM until the next year.

hey, but at least Dear Leader properly identified Obama was the US prez in 2014 — so let’s give the irrepressible scamp half a gold star. good boy, Donny! and isn’t it super-nice of him to carry water for his despot bestie Vlad? I’m sure it will weigh in Donny’s favor during his next yearly performance review in Moscow.

at the G7, Donny’s in the company of other world leaders. they’re not MAGA shit-swallowers, and they’re not the worthless scribblers of America’s corporate-controlled media — so they’re less inclined to put up with his constant lying.

watch what happens when, in the middle of a press appearance, Donny starts mouth-farting off-topic hallucinations about Democrats letting immigrants vote in sanctuary cities.

Donny: “… all Democrat-run cities. and they think they’re going to use them to vote. it’s not gonna happen.”

Canadian PM Mark Carney: “if you don’t mind, I’m going to exercise my role as G7 chair … we have to start the meeting.”

‘I’m going to exercise my role as G7 chair’ is diplomat-speak for ‘hey fuckface, zip that rancid anus-hole you call a mouth, we all have better things to do with out time than tolerate your bullshit.’

sigh.

here’s a thing that happened during the meeting — and wouldn’t you have liked to have been a fly on the wall for it.

check out France’s Emmanuel Macron and Italy’s Georgia Meloni putting their heads together and whispering about something — or someone. who could it be? I’m betting it’s Dear Leader.

holy shit — check out Meloni’s eye-roll about 22 seconds in. that’s got to be a dead give-away — who the fuck else could they be talking about?

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

early in the evening, Press Sec Karoline Lie-vitt announced that because Donny had been Such An Amazing Boy and had gotten all his work done in just one day, he was heading home two days early, to solve all the problems in the Middle East.

“President Trump had a great day at the G7, even signing a major trade deal with the United Kingdom and Prime Minister Keir Starmer. Much was accomplished, but because of what’s going on in the Middle East, President Trump will be leaving tonight after dinner with Heads of State.”

and so, Taco Donny tacoed the fuck out of Canada — but not before dropping another hallucination on us.

“Iran should have signed the ‘deal’ I told them to sign. What a shame, and waste of human life. Simply stated, IRAN CAN NOT HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON. I said it over and over again! Everyone should immediately evacuate Tehran!”

sorry, what? all nine million residents of Tehran should evacuate immediately? what do you know that you’re not telling us, bro?

next, Donny — for reasons known only to the squirrels scurrying about in his head — blamed the whole ‘coming home early to fix the Middle East’ story on Macron, and said it wasn’t true.

Publicity seeking President Emmanuel Macron, of France, mistakenly said that I left the G7 Summit, in Canada, to go back to D.C. to work on a ‘cease fire’ between Israel and Iran. Wrong! He has no idea why I am now on my way to Washington, but it certainly has nothing to do with a Cease Fire. Much bigger than that. Whether purposely or not, Emmanuel always gets it wrong. Stay Tuned!”

dude, it was your own press-sec, Karoline Leavitt, who told us that you were coming home to fix the Middle East. can’t you clowns keep your story straight for five entire minutes?

but thanks for clearing up the mystery, Donny. got it, you’re working something “much bigger” than a cease fire — but what could be bigger than getting two heavily-armed countries to stop lobbing missiles at each other?

seriously, though — we’ve now been given two conflicting bullshit stories about why Donny split from the G7 two days early. but what’s the real reason? might it be because his handlers know it’s only a matter of time before his brain quite publicly goes fuckity-bye?

The thesis underlying these discussions is straightforward: President Trump may be in significant physical decline, and his aides are keenly aware of it. This is not idle tabloid fare but a collage of well-sourced rumors and first-hand accounts that, taken together, paint a troubling picture. The pattern is hard to ignore – a sharp drop-off in Trump’s once-ubiquitous public appearances, hints of mobility and continence issues, and conspicuous adjustments in how he engages with the press and peers. In short, many are asking whether the commander-in-chief, who once boasted about marathon trips abroad, is now struggling to meet the physical demands of the presidency.

He’s never met the mental/emotional/intellectual demands, and perception is everything, so his physical decline is the last penny to drop and his clear physical decline is scaring the shit out of the Trump Regime.

Coffee-Break Jake Tapper wrote a whole fucking hit job of a book about how “everybody knew” Joe Biden was a mess and worked overtime to hide it. it was all based on conjecture and hearsay. Tapper never proved his premise.and let’s not forget: Joe Biden’s presidency was massively successful by all metrics.

right now we have a current president in serious physical and mental decline — to the point where his handlers have to get him the fuck out of any situation were he might shit himself, quite literally.

hey, wouldn’t that be a great subject for a book? anyone?

hello? hello?

we might as well set that embarrassment ticker back to zero and leave it there forever.

so, what’s the Big Important Thing that Dear Leader rushed home to work on? could it be the Donnyphone?

folks, I shit you not.

In a press release, Trump Mobile calls it “a sleek, gold smartphone engineered for performance and proudly designed and built in the United States.” It’s available to preorder now with a $100 deposit, and will either be available from August 2025 or September 2025, depending on whether you believe the press release or the Trump Mobile website.

holy fuck. the grift never ends. this goniff never stops figuring out new ways to separate the cultists from their cash.

here’s the most important thing you need to know about the Donnyphone: it doesn’t actually exist. Donny’s felonious sons hastily cobbled together a web site, photoshopped an image of a phone, and opened up shop. in typical Donny fashion, the whole operation is slap-dash and fly-by-night.

There are numerous errors on the page, from a processor section that doesn’t list a processor, RAM that’s described as storage, and the boast of a “5000mAh long life camera,” when it presumably means the battery.

they’re currently collecting money for a some fantasy of a phone that may or may not ship in August — or September. or never. how about never? is never good for you?

Melanie Petit said she likes the style, but it’s what the watch is missing – the “T” in “Trump” – that makes it stand out.

“I noticed it right away. The T is missing. It just says R-U-M-P,” she said.

she noticed it right away! you can’t pull the wool over MAGA’s eyes!

The Petits are wondering why a watch with such a glaring error was allowed to be shipped out.

“How could they process this and go through something without checking their work?” Melanie Petit asked.

you fucking clods. have you not been paying attention? this is how Donny works. he collects your cash and delivers shit. how many times are you rubes going to allows yourselves to be hoodwinked before you wise up?

spoiler alert: how about never? because the second certain thing is the the cultists are going to snap this shit up. nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence — and gullibility — of MAGA.

wherever he is, PT Barnum must be shitting his pants with envy right now. so many suckers!

Posted on

Friday Madness

let’s cut right to the chase: this is the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.

anyone with any sense saw this coming a mile away. the first time Mad King Donny and the Space Nazi formed their fucked-up alliance, we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole enterprise went tits-up.

you can’t put two broken-inside man-babies — each of whom believes they hold a divine right to all the money, all the power, and all the attention — in the same room together without creating the kind of atomic chain reaction that culminates in a ginormous smoking crater.

the only question is: what the fuck took so long?

here’s how it all went down. the Space Nazi had been shit-talking Donny’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ all week long.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it.”

which, by the way, was heartbreaking.

the Space Nazi has his own selfish reason for hating the bill: it would end government subsidies for electric vehicles — the very thing that makes his janky Swastikar business viable.

nonetheless, Elon violated the Prime Directive: there must be no criticism of Dear Leader — and so it was throw-down time!

“he’s upset. remember, he was here for a long time. you saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the oval desk … Elon and I had a great relationship. I don’t know if we will anymore.”

“the oval desk.” everything that Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of a two-year-old.

“hey Donny, what shape is your desk?”
“oval.”
“good boy Donny.”

here’s another thing the Mad King said during that q-and-a with reporters:

“I would have won Pennsylvania regardless of Elon…I’m very disappointed with Elon.”

and also:

“I don’t know what it is. It’s sort of Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess they call it. But we have it with others too. They leave and they wake up in the morning and the glamour is gone.”

and with that, it was go time! on with the battle of the paper-thin-skinned egos!

I mean, what’s even the point of having more money than god if you can’t throw a childish tantrum on your own Nazi-bar website?

“Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”

that was all Donny needed to launch into one of his favorite kinds of lies: one where he boasts that the person who quit their job, didn’t really quit — because it was actually Donny who shitcanned their unwelcome ass.

“Elon was ‘wearing thin,’ I asked him to leave, I took away his EV Mandate that forced everyone to buy Electric Cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY!”

Donny can’t even lie without slathering another lie right on top of it. there was never any “mandate” that “forced everyone to buy electric cars.” what the fuck is Donny even gibbering about?

that not-tweet was quickly followed up with this beaut.

“The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon’s Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn’t do it!”

fuck you, Space Nazi, for making me agree with Mad King Donny — because once again, hearbreaking.

this caused the Space Nazi to threaten to take his bat and ball and spaceships and go home.

“In light of the President’s statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately”

(spoiler alert: Elon’s already backed down from this threat.)

then it was time for the Space Nazi to go thermonuclear.

“Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”

that’s your ‘big bomb,’ Elon? tell us something we don’t already know.

nonetheless, how fucking awesome is it that Elon not-tweeted that to his 220 million followers?

next, Elon endorsed an Ian Miles Cheong not-tweet calling for Donny to be impeached and replaced with Couchfuck McGee.

JD spent the next six full hours running around his house, punching his fist in the air, and going ‘fuck yeah, President Vance,’ before finally, at 10:23pm, calming down enough to pretend to support his for-now boss.

“President Trump has done more than any person in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I’m proud to stand beside him.”

oh, look! Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts is calling for Elon to be deported.

Stephen K. Bannon, who has been one of the most vocal critics of Musk for months, said he is advising the president to cancel all of Musk’s contracts and launch several investigations into the world’s richest man.

“They should initiate a formal investigation of his immigration status because I am of the strong belief that he is an illegal alien, and he should be deported from the country immediately,” he said in a phone interview.

COULD EVERY ONE OF YOU ASS-CLOWNS PLEASE STOP BREAKING MY HEART?

natually, Elon reacted in the most Elon way possible.

let me remind you that these are all fully grown adults.

now let’s pour one out for MAGA. let’s keep the cultists in our thoughts and prayers as they navigate this difficult moment.

nah, fuck it. let’s just laugh at their confusion and despair over mommy and daddy fighting.

imagine the frayed, sparking wires inside every MAGA head right now as they watch the two dipshits they worship the most tear each other apart.

for Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, it’s just a thrill to watch the most manliest men ever go at it in the most manliest way possible.

“Some of y’all cant handle 2 high agency males going at it and it really shows This is direct communication (phallocentric) vs indirect communication (gynocentric) I understand you aren’t used to it”

can’t handle it? bro, we’re overdosing on schadenfreude here. we’re about to deplete America’s Strategic Reserve of Microwave Popcorn.

perennial election-loser and Republican found object Joey Mannarino is another honcho who just can’t believe his good luck in getting to watch the Battle of The Biggest Balls Ever.

“Trump and Elon aren’t attacking one another in a way that won’t be fixed. People forget how men with testicles spar. You’re watching two people with balls the size of the moon debate an issue. This is what masculinity look like.”

jesus, Joey — go take a cold shower.

the cognitive dissonance in the MAGAsphere is off the charts. Dinesh D’ipshit wants so much for all this to just be some kind of ten-dimensional kabuki between Donny and the Space Nazi that somehow ends up with … Democrats in prison?

Is this some sort of perverse scheme to force the release of the Epstein files? How great it would be to have a horde of bad guys publicly exposed. Then Trump and Elon break out the champagne. Elon says, ‘Told you I could get Democrats to scream for that list.’ Laughter!”

go home, Dinesh, you’re drunk.

one immediate result of all this childish fighting is that the Space Nazi lost billions of dollars as shares in his companies plummeted.

Tesla’s shares dropped by about 14.2% on Thursday at market close, wiping roughly $152bn off the value of the company as a feud between Elon Musk and Donald Trump erupted into public view. The former political allies traded threats and insults through posts on their respective social media platforms throughout the afternoon as the company’s price fell.

oh man, you just hate to see it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love to see it.

Elon is just the latest in a long line of arrogant, delusional hubris-monkeys who thought they would be the one who could finally control Donny, and make him dance to their tune. we’ve seen this play out over and over. that shit only works for a short time. sooner or later, it all goes sideways. Donny is too erratic and too literally out of his fucking mind to be corralled.

everything Donny touches, dies.

now let’s celebrate the memesters.

and let’s give the final word to Gianmarco Soresi, because this not-tweet wins the entire internet, forever.

Posted on

Too Good Not To Pass On

From All Hat No Cattle:

Elon Musk Drops Nuke on Trump: He’s ‘In the Epstein Files’

Musk and Trump both pulled no punches on Thursday in launching scathing attacks on one another as their very public breakup escalated.

This messy Trump-Musk breakup is truly the gayest thing about pride month. – Josh Sorbe

The World Is A Safer Place Without Trump

Why couldn’t these two f**king losers have started this sh*t back in October. – JoJoFromJerz

The funniest possible outcome is definitely Trump deporting him. – Franklin Leonard

Wow.
 
This is turning into an all out war in MAGA land. 
 
For the record, the GOP Tax Scam has been correctly characterized as a disgusting abomination. – Hakeem Jeffries

Trump Really Thinks Like A Nazi

A meeting between President Donald Trump and German Chancellor Frederich Merz took a bizarre turn…“May I remind you that we are having June 6 tomorrow,” Merz said while speaking about Ukraine’s bloody war against Russia on Thursday. “This is D-Day anniversary, when the Americans once ended a war in Europe.”

The entire world looks at the US now and just laughs.
 
No wonder no one wants to make trade deals with us anymore. – Alex Cole

Musk Wants To Start His Own, Err, A New Political Party
Billionaire Elon Musk seemed to suggest support of a third political party as he escalated a growing fight with President Trump that boiled over Thursday.
“Is it time to create a new political party in America that actually represents the 80% in the middle,” Musk wrote in a post on social platform X to his more than 200 million followers on the site, which he owns.

I assure you had we elected Kamala Harris we would not be sitting here witnessing  the president of the United States fighting with one of the most well-known CEOs of the world, as healthcare for millions is on the line. – Victor Shi

Rock The Voter News

The big beautiful bill led to the big beautiful breakup. – Aaron Parnas

At least this isn’t embarrassing for America. – Douglas A. Boneparth

If Trump and Musk break up, who gets custody of Scott Jennings? – JoJoFromJerz
It’s just awful when you buy a guy a perfectly good election, and he won’t even do whatever you want. – Justin Wolfers
Posted on

Tuesday Madness

it’s a well-known fact that expertise is not the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns’ strong suit. pretty much the whole worthless lot of them are low-voltage ignoramuses who don’t know shit about shit.

look no further than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. he doesn’t know how germs work. the Director of Homeland Security doesn’t know how human rights work. the Defense Secretary doesn’t know how sobriety works. neither does the Attorney for the District of Columbia.

how about the imbecile who rules them all? Dear Leader hasn’t a clue how not being a ginormous fuckwad works.

so none of us should be surprised that, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, Donny’s new head of FEMA was all ‘hurri-what now?’

Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.

The remark was made during a briefing by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May.

hurricane season, David. how do you not know about hurricane season? look, bro, let me explain. every year, starting in June and continuing through November, conditions in the Caribbean— holy shit, David, did your eyes glaze over already? what the fuck?

where does Donny find these people?

the obvious guess would be Fox News — but I’m looking at Richardson’s bio page at FEMA.com and he’s not from Fox. another fun fact gleaned from David’s bio is that he’s a combat veteran and an expert in dealing with WMDs — which is pretty fucking cool, but not a qualification to head FEMA. in fact, there’s nothing in his resume about emergency management, which — spoiler alert — is what the E and the M in FEMA stand for.

look, I know that Mad King Donny hates FEMA and wants to kill it — and the best way to do that is hire some unqualified toady to mismanage the shit out of the joint — but how did this guy somehow not even hear about hurricane season by accident?

it’s fucking impressive that David Richardson has apparently gone his whole life without walking past a TV, hearing the words ‘hurricane season,’ and having it sink into his dome by osmosis.

Richardson now claims he was just joshing. yeah, right. that’s the standard Sewer Clown dodge whenever one of them gets caught committing a stupid. come one, it was all a big joke. where’s your sense of humor?

fact check: the ignorance. it burns.

while we’re on the subject of not knowing, White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett apparently doesn’t understand how the passage of time works.

George Stephanopoulos: “when will we see an actual trade agreement? will we see any this week?”

Hassett: “I expected we were probably going to see one perhaps as early as last week.”

very nice Jedi mind trick there from Kevin Hassett. when asked if something will happen this week, Kevin makes a bold prediction about what will happen last week — and then gets it wrong.

beautiful stuff. peak Sewer Clown.

fact check: on April 12, Mad King Donny announced that he would be making “90 deals in 90 days.” fifty-two days have passed since then. we have yet to see one deal.

Kasie Hunt: “did you ever witness Elon Musk under the influence of drugs?”

Hassett: “not in a million years. he’s a person who is so filled with joy that it’s just a natural way that he is.”

oh, please. check out the Space Nazi’s behavior during his fake-farewell press conference last Friday.

fact check: he’s zonked out of his fucking mind.

oh yeah. that’s natural. no drug use at all, uh huh. clearly, the guy is just high on life.

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

does House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson understand how not lying works?

Kristen Welker: “if the big beautiful bill does add to the debt, will Trump own it?”

Holy Mike: “it’s not gonna add to the debt.”

Welker: “experts say this will add trillions to the deficit. can you really guarantee this will not add one penny of debt?”

Holy Mike: “I’m telling you this is going to reduce the deficit.”

fact check: the ‘big beautiful bill’ is going to explode the deficit.

Six Nobel laureate economists said a massive budget bill passed by House lawmakers last month and backed by President Trump would weaken key safety-net programs while greatly lifting the federal debt.

The tax and spending package, which Republicans have dubbed the “one big beautiful bill,” would hurt millions of Americans by slashing Medicaid and food stamps, the economists wrote in a June 2 letter on behalf of the Economic Policy Institute, a left-leaning think tank.

gee, who to believe — six Nobel laureates or the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel? it’s a goddamned conundrum.

I have a question: isn’t Holy Mike supposed to be a big proponent of the Bible?

I’m no Biblical scholar, but I seem to recall that the Good Book has this whole section in it with all these thou shalt nots — and I’m pretty sure one of the bigger shalt nots is ‘lie your fucking face off.’ I get the general sense that the Bible frowns on that kind of shit.

oh wait, maybe Holy Mike isn’t lying. perhaps he’s just a person who is so filled with joy that he’s just naturally optimistic.

yeah, that’s it.

here’s your hero of the day: actor Nick Offerman, probably best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation.

June is Pride Month — so of course the worst people in the world are rage-loading their diapers over ThE gAyS refusing to remain in the closet.

when Mike Flynn Jr — the Don Jr of the treasonous Flynn clan — tried to hijack a Ron Swanson meme and use it to broadcast his own rampant homophobia, here’s how Nick ripped him a new one.

“Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride”

fact check: true.

Posted on

Monday Madness

that’s a doozie of a headline, isn’t it? I promise, we’re going to get to it. but first, we need to talk about Mad King Donny’s Director of National Intelligence, Tulsi Gabbard.

you see, Tulsi has a wee bit of a problem. it seems her boss is a cognitively-impaired old fuckwit whose brain left the station ages ago.

I know, right? that’s the entire world’s problem, not just Tulsi’s — but here’s how working for an erratic imbecile with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel is affecting Tulsi’s ability to do her job: she can’t get Donny to even look at his daily intel briefing. so she’s been trying to figure out what the fuck to do about it.

President Donald Trump’s intelligence chief is exploring ways to revamp his routine intelligence briefing in order to build his trust in the material and make it more aligned with how he likes to consume information.

how surreal is it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — has become the voice of sanity regarding national security? folks, that’s how far down the fucking rabbit hole we’ve fallen.

obviously, ‘making it more aligned with how he likes to consume information’is not a new problem. all during the Mad King’s first reign, his staffers had to pretty much trick him into reading his daily brief. they dumbed that shit down until it was just bullet points and pictures, and they’d be all look, Donny! it’s a photo of you with words underneath. can you read what those words say about you?

imagine having to treat a person in command of a nuclear arsenal as if he were a colicky baby. now imagine reelecting him. what the fuck, America?

here’s the perplexing pickle Tulsi finds herself in during the second reign of the Mad King: Donny’s brain has puddingfied to the point where even simple bullet points and photos are too complicated for the deteriorating old coot to deal with.

on top of that, Donny seems unclear on the concept of a daily brief. most days, he just waves it away. Tulsi walks into the room and he’s all get that thing away from me, for fuck’s sake, I’m watching myself on TV.

Since his inauguration Trump has taken the PDB 14 times, or on average less than once a week.

now, because Tulsi is a sewer clown, she’s come up with the most sewerclowntastic solution to her problem:

One idea that’s been discussed is possibly creating a video version of the PDB that’s made to look and feel like a Fox News broadcast.

I don’t know about you, but I’m loving this idea! the whole government is already an extension of Fox News. right now there are no fewer than twenty-three former Fox bobbleheads working for Donny.

our Secretary of Defense is a chat-show host who doubled as the buffoon they’d send out to Times Square to get piss-drunk on New Year’s Eve.

a tipsy fake TV judge is now the Attorney for DC.

so let’s go all-in. let’s turn the entire government into one big Fox studio. over at the Pentagon, Pete Kegstand already has his own makeup studio — so we’re almost there, right?

but wait — how about if Tulsi just put TV over her head and pretended to be Fox News?

think of all the money that would be saved. now that’s efficiency in government!

perhaps Tulsi should be putting Donny’s intel briefing into his Truth Social feed — but maybe it’s too late even for that. Mad King Donny is apparently already getting his daily briefings from QAnon.

(hey, I told you we’d be getting to the headline.)

look at this fever-swamp lunacy that Donny posted over the weekend.

There is no #JoeBiden – executed in 2020.
#Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see.
#Democrats dont know the difference.

nothing to see here, right? just the president of the United States endorsing a QAnon trope that Joe Biden got snuffed years ago — and the dude we saw in the Oval Office was a robot the whole time. perfectly normal stuff.

let’s consider the double triple quadruple-think at work here.

according to Donny — and, by extention, MAGA — Joe Biden is the mastermind of an entire crime family that regularly shakes down world leaders to the tune of millions of dollars. and the whole time he’s been doing this, he’s been a drooling demented mess who no longer has any clue which end is up. ok, that makes perfect sense, right?

now, let’s slather on top of that the fact that real Joe Biden was executed (by who?) years ago and was replaced by a robot. which means that someone purposely constructed a malfunctioning crime-robot with dementia.

and, on top of all of that, now the robot has cancer — which is just fine with Donny. he doesn’t feel sorry for the malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia, because it’s a vicious malfunctioning crime-robot who does vicious things.

“not a smart person, but a somewhat vicious person, I will say. if you feel sorry for him, don’t feel so sorry for him, ’cause he’s vicious. what he did with his political opponent, and all of the people that he hurt. he hurt a lot of people, Biden, and so I really don’t feel sorry for him.”

to recap, Joe Biden is a not-smart malfunctioning crime-robot with cancermentia who does vicious things.

ohhhhhkay, President Pudding Cup. let’s get you to bed.

here’s another perfectly normal thing our perfectly normal president did this weekend: he threw a shitfit because no one told him about his new nickname.

Donny is fucking pissed that he had to find out from a reporter that Wall Street is mocking him.

but look at it from the standpoint of a White House staffer: do you want to be the one to tell an erratic rage-monkey that TACO stands for Trump Always Chickens Out? of course you don’t. so you’re fucked if you do and you’re fucked if you don’t. keep Donny in the loop, or hide the bad news from Donny — either way, you’re going to end up with a ketchup bottle chucked at your head.

at this point, why would anyone want to work for Mad King Donny? it’s a loser’s game. the only winning move is not to play.

buckle in, it’s only Monday. this is going to be a long week.

Posted on

Post Memorial Day Madness

yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON’T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Donny’s such a funster, isn’t he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.

where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don’t act like this. they don’t wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don’t lie awake a night, plotting revenge.

as always with the shit Donny pulls, it’s just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.

with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.

it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.

check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.

Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny’s Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.

then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!

let’s listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.

“…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we’re gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I’m glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn’t be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that.”

oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he’s on a mission from God

what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America’s big birthday. delusions of grandeur don’t get any more grandly delusional than that.

why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?

does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going ‘fuck yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.’

how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we’ve all been there, bro.

do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?

“hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I’m going to tell everyone I was sent by God.”

“oh that’s great, sir. now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch.”

now let’s all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one

“… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …”

I love how Donny’s left hand flails helplessly as a word he’s never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he’s looking at, and his hand gives it away. that’s why you’re supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.

so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.

if you were watching Donny’s speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.

thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.

it’s all part of His plan, right?

here’s your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.

this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.

but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America.”

“power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there’s nothing new in this.”

in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it’s refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.

did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.

boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.

Posted on

Vomiting It All Up

Backpfeifengesicht. That’s all I’m gonna say.

If you know, you know. But shouldn’t it have been 3 inchest to the left?

I think we already know the answer to that.

He wasn’t lying – they have turned the economy around…in the wrong direction!

Posted on

Saturday Madness

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: what exactly are we grasping at here

guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.

Fox News fuckface: “Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all.”

Rep. Tim Burchett: “I don’t drink out of a straw, brother. that’s what the women in my house do.”

honchos, take it from Tim: don’t be a girlywuss. don’t daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that’s what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.

seriously, Timmy? is this you?

Tim, is this Jesse Watters?

 

is this Dear Leader?

look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called ‘real men’ don’t worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?

tuesday: mmm, conspiracies

no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict’s presidency?

Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it’s a deep state plot.

“what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they’re satanists — this isn’t what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it’s just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that’s what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like ‘oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,’ it’s like no, actually that’s part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance.”

Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?

busted!

wednesday: mmm, stupidity

now, let’s listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo’s empty head

“should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it’s not windy? what if it’s not sunny?”

folks, let’s review: what does the stupid do?

you really have to admire MAGA’s commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn’t understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.

how is it not a cult?

all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?

they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.

here’s how Donny ‘thanked’ them for their six- to seven-figure ‘investment’ into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny’s Virginia golf motel.

“It was the worst food I’ve ever had at a Trump golf course,” Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump’s coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a “Walmart steak.” Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.

so sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.

here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.

NEW: Two attendees of Trump’s crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.’s goal to become the global leader in crypto. “He just gave a few remarks and left,” one said.

so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I’m conflicted.

get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.

Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I’m really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.

on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.

“I’m a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I’m a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I’m a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children.”

yeah, we get it, dimwit. you’re amazing.

in case you’ve quit Elon’s Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let’s catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter’s AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky’s post.

“Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric.”

because there’s nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.

“the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda.”

Marge, Grok can’t hear you. it’s not real. it’s a bunch of silicon chips.

I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.

stop fucking with us, Marge, and we’ll stop fucking with you.