Category: Because It's True

yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON'T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Donny's such a funster, isn't he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.

where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don't act like this. they don't wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don't lie awake a night, plotting revenge.

as always with the shit Donny pulls, it's just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.

with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.

it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.

check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.

Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny's Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.

then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!

let's listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.

"…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we're gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I'm glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn't be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that."

oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he's on a mission from God

what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America's big birthday. delusions of grandeur don't get any more grandly delusional than that.

why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?

does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going 'fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.'

how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we've all been there, bro.

do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?

"hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I'm going to tell everyone I was sent by God."

"oh that's great, sir. now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch."

now let's all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one

"… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …"

I love how Donny's left hand flails helplessly as a word he's never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he's looking at, and his hand gives it away. that's why you're supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.

so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.

if you were watching Donny's speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.

thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.

it's all part of His plan, right?

here's your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.

this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.

but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America."

"power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there's nothing new in this."

in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it's refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.

did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.

boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.