Category: Because It's True

Posted on

Post Memorial Day Madness

yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON'T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Donny's such a funster, isn't he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.

where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don't act like this. they don't wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don't lie awake a night, plotting revenge.

as always with the shit Donny pulls, it's just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.

with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.

it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.

check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.

Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny's Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.

then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!

let's listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.

"…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we're gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I'm glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn't be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that."

oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he's on a mission from God

what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America's big birthday. delusions of grandeur don't get any more grandly delusional than that.

why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?

does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going 'fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.'

how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we've all been there, bro.

do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?

"hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I'm going to tell everyone I was sent by God."

"oh that's great, sir. now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch."

now let's all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one

"… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …"

I love how Donny's left hand flails helplessly as a word he's never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he's looking at, and his hand gives it away. that's why you're supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.

so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.

if you were watching Donny's speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.

thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.

it's all part of His plan, right?

here's your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.

this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.

but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America."

"power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there's nothing new in this."

in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it's refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.

did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.

boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.

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Vomiting It All Up

Backpfeifengesicht. That's all I'm gonna say.

If you know, you know. But shouldn't it have been 3 inchest to the left?

I think we already know the answer to that.

He wasn't lying – they have turned the economy around…in the wrong direction!

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Saturday Madness

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: what exactly are we grasping at here

guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.

Fox News fuckface: "Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all."

Rep. Tim Burchett: "I don't drink out of a straw, brother. that's what the women in my house do."

honchos, take it from Tim: don't be a girlywuss. don't daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that's what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.

seriously, Timmy? is this you?

Tim, is this Jesse Watters?

 

is this Dear Leader?

look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called 'real men' don't worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?

tuesday: mmm, conspiracies

no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict's presidency?

Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it's a deep state plot.

"what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they're satanists — this isn't what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it's just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that's what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like 'oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,' it's like no, actually that's part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance."

Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?

busted!

wednesday: mmm, stupidity

now, let's listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo's empty head

"should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it's not windy? what if it's not sunny?"

folks, let's review: what does the stupid do?

you really have to admire MAGA's commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn't understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.

how is it not a cult?

all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?

they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.

here's how Donny 'thanked' them for their six- to seven-figure 'investment' into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny's Virginia golf motel.

"It was the worst food I've ever had at a Trump golf course," Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump's coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a "Walmart steak." Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.

so sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.

here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.

NEW: Two attendees of Trump's crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.'s goal to become the global leader in crypto. "He just gave a few remarks and left," one said.

so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I'm conflicted.

get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.

Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I'm really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.

on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.

"I'm a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I'm a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I'm a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children."

yeah, we get it, dimwit. you're amazing.

in case you've quit Elon's Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let's catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter's AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky's post.

"Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric."

because there's nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.

"the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda."

Marge, Grok can't hear you. it's not real. it's a bunch of silicon chips.

I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.

stop fucking with us, Marge, and we'll stop fucking with you.

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Seriously…

…if your father or grandfather was babbling this kind of BULLSHIT you'd be discussing medication and talking to lawyers and a secure facility.

You know you would.

And if—[deity of your choice] forbid—JOE BIDEN had tweeted something like this, the MSM would be on it like wolves to raw meat non-stop 24/7 demanding to know why he wasn't in a skilled nursing facility.

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Tuesday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

rejoice, America! Dear Leader's gonna lower the price of the 'fat shot drug'

what the fuck is Donny gibbering about?

yesterday at the White House, a bewildered old man in obvious cognitive decline somehow wandered in off the street. the Secret Service must have taken pity on the pathetic old coot, because they did nothing to stop him as he shuffled into the Oval Office and started free-associating into the microphone.

"I'll tell you a story, a friend of mine who's a business…man, very very very top guy, most of you would have heard of him. highly neurotic. brilliant businessman. uh, seriously overweight. and he takes the fat— the fat shot…drug. and he called me up, and he said, uh, president— he calls me president, he used to call me Donald, now he calls me president, so that's nice respect, but he's a rough guy, smart guy. very successful, very rich. I wouldn't even know how he would know this but, 'cause he's got comments, 'uh president, could I ask you a question?' I said what. 'I'm in London and I just paid for this damned fat drug I take.' I said 'it's not working.' he said, he said, 'I just paid eighty-eight dollars and in New York I paid thirteen hundred dollars, what the hell is going on?'"

what the fuck was that?

are you telling me that was the actual president of the United States up there, gibbering like a lunatic?

that was the kind of disjointed tale your demented granddad might fart out at the dinner table, right before falling asleep face down in his mashed potatoes.

what we got is a variation of the classic "sir story," where Donny typically meets up with some fictional blue collar dude who bursts into tears of gratitude upon getting to meet Dear Leader.

now we have a "president story," where Donny is apparently besties with Jabba the Billionaire, some 'very very very top guy' who evidently tips the scales at over a fucking ton.

Jabba's dealing with his weight issues by mainlining what Donny calls 'the fat shot drug.'

Donny's no doubt talking about Ozempic, right? he's reading off prepared notes, so why doesn't he just say that? I guess that Dear Leader is so illiterate that when his eyes got to a word that began with 'ozy,' his brain seized up and his panicked mouth had to hastily improvise 'the fat shot drug.'

nice bit of fat-shaming, too, with 'I said it's not working.'

'bro, you're a fucking whale' is a pile of stones that President Glass House definitely shouldn't be throwing at anyone.

but I digress.

Donny had called that press conference in order to announce his latest and awesomest executive order, one in which he was going to lower the prices of all prescription drugs by at least a skillionty percent, and maybe even more.

nice bit of Sewer Clown Theater, too, with Donny flanked by fake-diet-pill-scammer Dr. Oz, and heath nut Bobby Brainworms Jr, who was just back from taking his grandkids for a healthy swim in a bacteria-infected creek.

how does Donny imagine he's going to accomplish these lower costs? apparently by demanding real hard — because (let's say it one more time) executive orders are not laws.

Executive orders are issued from the executive branch of the government, specifically the U.S. President. An executive order is not a law in the sense that it does not go through the legislative process. It is not binding on everyone, only on employees of the executive branch.

last time I looked, multinational pharmaceutical conglomerates are not part of the US executive branch — so Big Pharma can pretty much tell Donny to piss straight up a rope, and he can't do shit about it.

Donny's insistence that he can lower drug costs through kingly fiat is so nonsensical that even The New York Times had no choice but to commit a journalism and point out that Dear Leader was blowing smoke up an entire nation's ass.

President Trump on Monday signed an executive order asking drugmakers to voluntarily reduce the prices of key medicines in the United States.

But the order cites no obvious legal authority to mandate lower prices.

the order cites no legal authority, because Donny has no legal authority.

let's back up and take a look at the larger context: there shouldn't have been any need for Donny to issue his idiotic order in the first place — because if Donny had just done nothing at all, we would already have lower drug prices.

in August of last year, the Biden administration announced that they were lowering the prices on prescription drugs.

how did Team Biden accomplish this? by negotiating with drug makers.

HHS has reached agreements with all participating manufacturers on new negotiated, lower drug prices for the first 10 drugs selected for the Medicare drug price negotiation program.

cool deal, right? not bad for the guy who got hounded out of the presidential race for being icky and old and probably already dead.

hey, you'll never guess what Mad King Donny did on the VERY FIRST DAY of his second reign: he look one look at those lowered drug prices and said fuck that shit and fuck it hard.

On Monday, Trump signed a sweeping order aimed in part at reversing several Biden administration executive orders on health care, including efforts to lower the cost of prescription drugs for people on Medicare and Medicaid, enhancing the Affordable Care Act and increasing protections for Medicaid enrollees. The so-called initial rescissions order, according to the Trump White House, is aimed at Biden policies that it says are "deeply unpopular" and "radical."

why would Donny deliberately screw over the American public like that? say it with me: because fuck you, that's why.

so now, four months later, Donny's got a cunning plan to bring drug prices back down to where they already would have been if only he had just done nothing.

here's a question: Donny's supposed to be the greatest deal-maker of all time, right? so why didn't he just negotiate with the drug makers, like Sleepy Joe Brandon did?

because kings don't negotiate, duh! they just break shit they don't understand, and then pretend to fix it.

you're welcome, peons.

can someone please develop a 'smart shot drug' and jab it into Dear Leader's ass? please?

here are your heroes of the day: this group of high school students on a field trip to the US Capitol. they had a very important question for GOP Rep. Brian Jack:

"why is Trump so orange?"

and now, through the magic of the internet, we can reveal why.

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Monday Morning Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

what kind of shithole country allows its president to accept ginormous bribes

Donny's gifted his very own jet — and gets to keep it

remember that beady-eyed clown-college reject, Comer Fudd? remember how he squandered four entire years tying to catch that wascally wabbit, Bugs Biden?

Comer Fudd was so convinced that the so-called "Biden crime family" had taken a five million dollar bribe from China that he wasted everyone's time on one pointless hearing after another — and the only thing he ever found was Hunter Biden's freakishly oversized trouser snake.

where the fuck is James Comer now? has anyone seen him lately? because at this very moment, we've got an actual corrupt president enriching himself off easily-provable bribes from foreign actors — and all we're hearing from Republicans is crickets.

look at this flagrant in-your-face bullshit.

The Trump administration plans to accept a luxury Boeing 747-8 plane as a donation from the Qatari royal family that will be upgraded to serve as Air Force One, which would make it one of the biggest foreign gifts ever received by the U.S. government, several American officials with knowledge of the matter said.

that's right: you get two government-approved dolls and five pencils, and Donny gets his very own private jet worth four hundred million dollars — because fuck you, that's why.

Donny's getting a new Air Force One because he absolutely loathes the current one. he's been whining about it for years. he thinks it's a shithole. why? because there's no tacky gold crappery in sight. it's just some ordinary fucking airplane. how boring, and how unbefitting of the self-styled Pope-Emperor of America.

so here comes the Qatari royal family, and they're all hey Donny. we've got a big Boeing jet, just for you. you'll love it — it's packed to the gills with gaudy golden tat. here, it's yours. out of the goodness of our hearts.

Donny's been pining after this vulgar flying bordello since forever.

It's bigger and newer than Air Force One — and so opulently configured that it's known as "a flying palace." (No report on whether it contains a golden toilet.)

Apparently he's been talking about the plane for months. In February, he toured it while it was parked at Palm Beach International Airport.

here's a fun quiz: when is an Air Force One not actually an Air Force One? give up? it's when all protocols for accepting presidential gifts are ignored.

The Constitution (Article I, Section 9) prohibits anyone in the US Government from receiving a personal gift from a foreign head of state without the consent of Congress.

this garish jet not a gift to America. it's a personal gift to Donny Convict. the short-fingered fuck gets to keep it when his nightmarish time in office finally comes to an end.

The plane would then be donated to President Trump's presidential library when he leaves office, two senior officials said. Such a gift raises the possibility that Mr. Trump would have use of the plane even after his presidency ends.

"donated" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that paragraph. way to greedwash naked corruption, New York Times.

"Trump's presidential library" — what a laugh. Donny doesn't need a 'presidential library' — the illiterate shitwad doesn't read. what's going to be in Donny's library? a well-thumbed stack of golf scorecards and boxes of pilfered classified documents?

it's embarrassing that the leader of our country is such an easily-bribed child. just wave some gold-painted piece of shit in his face and he comes running.

if you went to any Hollywood studio and pitched a movie about some gold-obsessed halfwit boy-king who went around accepting bribes — and got away with it — they'd throw you out of the office, because who would believe such obvious twaddle?

yet, here we are with Golden Donny, the greedy dumbfuck who's tarted up the Oval worse than some Las Vegas dog's breakfast.

so, what is Qatar getting in return?

any fucking thing it wants — because that's how the game is played in Donnyville. one hand washes the other.

This week Trump takes the first overseas trip of his second presidency. He'll land in Saudi Arabia on Tuesday, followed by a visit to Qatar, and then to the United Arab Emirates (U.A.E).

That's a big boost for Qatar right there.

Trump also just did what Qatar has been wanting done for years — announcing that the Persian Gulf (as it's been known since at least 550 B.C.) will henceforth be known as the Arabian Gulf.

Trump's company has just announced a new golf resort in Qatar, reportedly partnering with a company owned by the royal family.

Qatar is also pushing the Trump regime to lift sanctions on Syria.

just what the world needs, another skeevy golf motel — and since when does Donny get to rename any body of water he wants? who granted him this power?

I don't recall the Supreme Court ruling that Donny is a Very Special Boy who gets to sharpie the shit out of the globe, do you?

so where are all the congressional investigations? imagine that Sleepy Joe Brandon had accepted some $400 million flying abomination. Comer Fudd would have ogasmed on the spot. he would have thought he had died and gone to heaven.

hello, Jimmy? are you there?

where is Attorney General Pam Bondi? oh wait, never mind.

US President-elect Donald Trump's new pick for US attorney general, Pam Bondi, worked as a lobbyist on behalf of the government of Qatar.

In July 2019, Bondi, a partner in the DC office of the powerful lobbying group Ballard Partners, was registered through the firm to influence Capitol Hill on human trafficking issues on behalf of the Gulf state for a fee of $115,000 per month.

but Uncle Jeff, I hear you asking, what if I want to bribe Dear Leader, but I'm not a member of a royal family with spare jets lying around?

no problem, pal — just "invest" in one of Donny's crypto scams. all the cool countries are doing it.

are you in private industry? no worries, ace — Donny's happy to take your money, too.

An international trucking logistics firm is buying as much as $20 million worth of President Donald Trump's crypto coins to influence the administration's trade policy — the precise sort of corruption that experts warned Trump was encouraging when he unveiled his venture.

Freight Technologies Inc. CEO Javier Selgas said in a Wednesday news release that buying Trump coin would be "an effective way to advocate for fair, balanced and free trade between Mexico and the U.S."

it doesn't even matter if the price of the crypto goes up or down — Donny's raking in billions just on transaction fees alone.

hey, here's a fun story that I'm including here for no particular reason.

In 1946, a group of Russian children from the Vladimir Lenin All-Union Pioneer Organisation (sort of a Soviet scouting group) presented a carved wooden replica of the Great Seal of the United States to Averell Harriman, the U.S. Ambassador to the Soviet Union.

The gift, a gesture of friendship to the USSR's World War II ally, was hung in the ambassador's official residence at Spaso House in Moscow. It stayed there on a wall in the study for seven years until, through accident and a ruse, the State Department discovered that the seal was more than a mere decoration.

It was a bug.

oh. huh.

so, how many hidden microphones are Qatari agents installing on that flying monstrosity even as I type this?

on the other hand, who needs hidden microphones, when Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand will happily add you to his Signal chat group? just hit him up, bro.