Category: Decline and Fall of the United States

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Midweek Tiedrich

let’s start with a bang, and put our Hero of the Day right up top.

here’s Anders Vistisen, Danish politician and member of the European Parliament, speaking for the entire world.

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

it must be said that Anders Vistisen is not our friend. he’s as far-right as they come — and it is absolutely heartbreaking to have to note that it took a Nazi to speak bluntly to Dear Leader.

yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Donny’s second reign — so naturally, preening peacock held a victory lap, in the form of an excruciatingly long, incoherent shit-show of a press conference.

let’s gaze in awe as Donny encounters a tool for the first time, and learns to master it.

whoops, wrong clip. sorry. here you go, here’s President Hominid, mastering a new tool.

“here’s, uh, the book on— accomplishments. and this is something— woo, I’m glad my finger wasn’t in that sucker. [hold up binder clip] that could have done some damage, but you know what? I wouldn’t have shown the pain. I would have gone back. boy did you hear that? that was nasty. but I would not have shown the pain. I would have acted like nothing happened, as my finger fell off. that was nasty. I think somebody did that. [points to camera] it was him. it was my man. how are you? you didn’t do it. I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. so, uh—”

hey, you know what, Donny? fuck off. it was a paper clip. stop being a drama queen.

thank god Donny’s bone spurs weren’t acting up, and preventing him from heroically winning the War of the Binder Clip.

that pile of papers Donny’s brandishing in the above clip, that’s his list of ‘365 wins.’ that’s what the whole presser was about, Donny bragging about his (imaginary) wins.

let’s check out just one of them, number 243.

#243 says: “Stripped notorious crackhead and grifter Hunter Biden of his taxpayer-funded Secret Service detail.”

Donny, fuck off. that’s not a ‘win’ — that’s the act of a toxic piece of shit obsessed with settling scores.

hey, where do you think ‘suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files’ was in Donny’s list of wins? I’d have put it at number one.

now excuse me, but what the fuck is this, and where does ‘blithering like a lunatic’ land on Donny’s win list?

“we had in my area in Queens, I grew up in Queens, we had a place called Creedmore. Creedmore. does anybody know that? Creedmore. it was a big— I said ‘mom, why are those— bars on the building?’ I used to play little league baseball— there. a place called Cunningham Park. I was quite the baseball player. you couldn’t believe it. but I said to my mother, ‘mom—’ she would be there always there for me, she said ‘son, you could be a professional baseball player.’ I said ‘thanks mom.’ I said, ‘why are those bars on the windows?’ big building. big, powerful building that loomed over the park, actually. she said, ‘well, people that are very sick are in that building.’ I said, ‘boy.’ I used to always look at that building and I’d see— big building, big, tall building, it loomed over the park, sort of. now that I think of it, I think it was pretty unfriendly, sad. but I— I’ll never forget— I don’t know if it’s still there.”

get the idea? it was a big, tall building — powerful, in fact, with tears in its eyes.

of course, that fascinating anecdote took place in the old days, when Donny used to tie an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time.

so, what was the press doing, while Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants’ brain was visibly leaking out of his ears? just what they always do: sitting there like useless lumps, nodding their heads. this is probably a good place to note that my What The Fuck Is Wrong With You Challenge™ is now in its 2,122nd day.

instead of any ‘what the fuck’ bravery, we just got the the usual fresh load of horse shit. here’s NPR’s Mara Liasson’s hot take.

“And what else struck me about this press conference was how similar Trump and Biden were. Both of them tried to convince Americans that the economy was a lot better than voters’ own experience of the economy is.”

worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press, please stop it with this both-sides nonsense.

we’re one year into this nightmare, and the press is still normalizing and sanewashing Donny’s outright fascism.

“President Donald Trump has commanded attention during his second term. From military interventions to controversial social media posts, the Republican has rewritten the presidency’s role in a divided country.”

oh please, fuck straight off with this tepid pablum.

Donny isn’t ‘rewriting the role of the presidency.’ he’s pouring gasoline all over the Constitution and setting a fucking match to it — and by dancing around the issue couching it in oh-so-polite terms, the press is aiding and abetting him.

Gavin Newsom is in Davos this week, and he’s got a message for the gathered world leaders: cut the bullshit, and stop kowtowing to Donny.

“it’s time buck up. it’s time to get serious. stop being complicit. it’s time to stand tall and firm. have a backbone. I’ve seen this in the United States. playing Congress, playing both sides, saying one thing in a text or tweet, another publicly. it’s time to have principles. it’s time to stand tall. it’s time to stand united. have principles. I can’t take this complicity. people rolling over. I should have brought a bunch of knee pads for all the world leaders. I mean, handing out crowns, this is pathetic. Nobel Prizes that are being given away. it’s just pathetic. and I hope people understand how pathetic they look on the world stage. I mean, at least from an American perspective. it’s embarrassing. one thing they can’t do is what they’ve been doing, and they’ve been played. this guy’s playing folks for fools, and it’s embarrassing.”

Gavin is spot fucking on — because world leaders have indeed spent a year flattering Donny, and appeasing him, hoping that by stroking his unquenchable ego, they could somehow magically come out on top.

in case you’ve forgotten, South Korea really did literally give Donny his very own crown.

what did South Korea end up getting in return? not one fucking thing.

yet the flattery and kowtowing goes on, right up to into the new year. we even saw it yesterday, in the text message from Macron that Donny posted on his shitty app. look at this obsequious drek.

“my friend.” “we are totally in line.” “let us try to build great things.” “let’s have lunch, I’ll invite whoever you want to.”

oh please. Donny is laughing his ginormous ass off at what a fool you are.

hey, you know who else thought he could flatter his way to victory?

this homey. Neville Chamberlain, pictured here with his best bud, Adolf Whats-His-Name.

in 1938, Chamberlain came up with an awesome idea: all Europe had to do was flatter old Adolf, tell him what a great guy he is — and if they him keep Sudetenland, that’ll satisfy him, and he’ll leave the rest of the world alone.

come on, Adolf. let’s do lunch. I’ll invite whoever you want.

tell me, how did flattery and appeasement work out for Europe?

Anders Vistisen, can you step back in here for a moment and remind that everyone tyrants need to spoken to in the only language they understand?

“let me put this in words you might understand: Mr. President, fuck off.”

thanks, bro. now get your right-wing ass out of my sight.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Quote Of The Day

The coward who shot Renee Good in the face represents the very core of what is wrong with everything. He’s not just a 21st century man-baby playing tactical gear dress up. He is the man who did his own research. He is your mom’s new boyfriend who refused to mask up at the height of the pandemic. He is the woman who voted for Trump three times because her pastor told her it was the Christian thing to do.

He is the suburban WASP who is afraid of the city. He is the tradwife and her POS husband chronicling their journey on TikTok. He is the social media troll who doesn’t realize all of his Facebook friends are bots. He is the alpha capitalist whose corporation relies on government subsidies. He is the poor man who opposes taxes on the 1% because he assumes that one day, he too will be a billionaire. He is the man who would rather resent every woman in his life than talk to a therapist. He is the person who tells you that a gun is a tool just like any other tool.

He is Stephen Miller, Kristi Noem, JD Vance, and Derek Chauvin. He is the person trying to convince you at this very moment that she was a domestic terrorist and he did what he had to do. There is video. By defending it, you are essentially saying that this is also how you should react to a car slowly turning away from you. Fuck you.” ~ jake._.luck on Instagram

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There Are No Words To Describe How Much I Despise Trump

folks, the president’s brain has left the station. I’m not sure it’s ever coming back.

Upgrade to paid
after its long holiday break, Congress was back in session yesterday — and Mad King Donny chose to mark the occasion by giving what might charitably be called a ‘speech’ to Congressional Republicans.

I have no idea what cocktail of drugs his handlers pumped him full of, but holy fucking shit.

Republicans, how the fuck are you not embarrassed by this?

pink hair, orange face, three chins, delicate little white porcelain doll hands, and a brain that’s out there wandering where the buses don’t run. the GOP’s beloved Dear Leader is a clown — but you couldn’t possibly hire him to entertain a child’s birthday party, because he would just terrify the crap out of everyone.

as is his usual wont, Preznit Fuckwit rambled incoherently for an hour and a half, blithering about fever-swamp hallucinations that exist only inside his big, dumb pumpkin head.

“they are mean, and smart. but fortunately for you, they have horrible policies. they can be smart as— can be. but when they want open borders, when they want, as I said, men in women’s sports. when they want [waves his arms] TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE! bring your kids in, we’re gonna change the sex of your child. just send them our way. in some cases, LIKE IN MINNESOTA, they don’t even tell the parents, is that right? and nobody believes it when I say it. I think we have six states. nobody— am I correct? it’s true. when the kid comes back— they keep the kid— they operate on this kid, they don’t tell the parents. it’s not— believable.”

fact check:

how were the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets not chasing Donny off the stage after that crazypants soliloquy?

for those of you keeping score at home, they’re eating the dawgs, they’re eating the cats, they fraudstering the daycare centers — and they’re transgendering everything in sight.

but Donny’s speech wasn’t all batshittery. he also threatened us all with a good time.

 

“you gotta win the midterms. because if we don’t win the midterms— it’s just gotta be— I mean, they’ll find a reason to impeach me. I’ll get impeached.”

no fucking shit, Sherlock.

that clip alone should motivate every Democrat to run to the polls this November — because the quickest way to put an end to all this fascist fuckstickery is for the Democrats to retake the House, and gain a supermajority in the Senate.

now tell me — what the fuck is this?

“she hates when I dance. I said, ‘everybody wants me to dance.’ ‘darling, it’s not presidential.’ she actually said, ‘could you imagine FDR dancing?’ she said that to me. and I said, there’s a long history that perhaps— she doesn’t know. because he was an elegant fellow. even as a Democrat, right? he was— the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant. but he wouldn’t be doing this. but— but— [laughs] nor would— too many others. but she says ‘darling, please. the weightlifting is terrible.’”

neither Donny nor Melania have any idea that FDR was confined to a wheelchair, do they? for a second there, I thought Donny was going to point out her error, but then the coked-up squirrel running around in his head chewed through the wrong wire, and what seeped instead out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘the attack by Japan, you know, he was quite elegant.’

come on, that’s not even a coherent sentence by any stretch of the imagination. where are the men with the butterfly nets?

by the way, this is the Melania version of a ‘sir’ story. you know it never actually happened, because there’s no way Donny’s Slovenian rent-a-wife would ever call him ‘darling.’ she hates his guts.

‘fock off. you take own car.’

Donny sure is convinced of his own dancing prowess. he never shuts the fuck up about it. has Donny ever actually seen himself doing his ‘jacking off two invisible giraffes’ dance?

he should be embarrassed by that shit — but he’s not. he’s super fucking proud of it. in fact, have you heard the latest? apparently, Donny’s hella pissed at Nicolás Maduro for — hold onto your hat — stealing his dance moves.

President Trump accused Nicolás Maduro of attempting to steal his famed dance moves after reports that the White House believed the deposed dictator was mocking the US.

what the fuck is this thin-skinned bastard whining about now? aside from the fact that here we have two authoritarian idiots who have no idea how to dance, how are these the same?

it’s truly stunning how many grudges Donny has running around in his noggin. how does he keep them all straight?

so, is this the true Donroe Doctrine? ‘you steal my dance, I steal your oil’?

because Donny is def stealing Venezuela’s oil.

I am pleased to announce that the Interim Authorities in Venezuela will be turning over between 30 and 50 MILLION Barrels of High Quality, Sanctioned Oil, to the United States of America. This Oil will be sold at its Market Price, and that money will be controlled by me, as President of the United States of America, to ensure it is used to benefit the people of Venezuela and the United States! I have asked Energy Secretary Chris Wright to execute this plan, immediately. It will be taken by storage ships, and brought directly to unloading docks in the United States. Thank you for your attention to this matter!

DONALD J. TRUMP
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

what the fuck? Donny’s just going ‘mine now,’ and straight up absconding with Venezuela’s oil, giving them jack shit in return?

or course, Donny doesn’t see this as stealing, because he’s conveniently convinced himself that all that oil is actually his, and fuck those wily Venezuelans for very sneakily putting all their land on top of his oil. what the hell, Venezuela?

again, where are the men with the butterfly nets? because his farcical insistence that ‘all that Venezuelan oil has been stolen from America, and we’re just taking it back’ is just as bonkers as believing that doctors in Minnesota are transgendering the shit out of everyone in sight.

of course, none of this fuckery is legal — or constitutional. Donny can’t just extort another country’s natural resources, like some mobster going ‘nice country you got here. be a real shame if something were to happen to it.’ he can’t sell off all that oil and stick it in some mysterious bank account, to spend it as he — and he alone — sees fit. collecting and allocating funds is Congress’ job. it’s right there in the fucking Constitution.

but there I go again, prattling on about what Donny can’t do. Congressional Republicans aren’t going to stop him. they’ve completely abdicated their responsibilities. why did Holy Mike Johnson even bother to gavel Congress back into session, if they’re going to go sit there like useless lumps?

by the way, ‘30 to 50 million barrels of oil’ may sound like a ginormous amount, but it’s not. America burns through about 20 million barrels of the stuff every day. all that shit’s gonna be gone in two or three days — and Donny will be back at Venezuela’s door, like a junkie hankering for a fix.

all this is pretty dreary shit, so let’s take a break, grab some popcorn, and enjoy some Republican-on-Republican violence.

Matt Gaetz: “when did Dan Bongino run for office and how did he perform as a candidate?”

Dan Bingo-Bongo Bongino: “Maybe if I spent more time at shady parties with monied insiders I would’ve won. I heard you’d know a bit about that. You’ve always been a dick by the way. Grifting off your daddy like a suckling little doggie. When I first met you in the panhandle I knew you were a piece of shit. It’s written all over that phony face of yours.”

does Matty Plankhead indeed have a phony face? let’s do a quick fact check.

yes, he does.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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If/When this happens, it isn’t about drugs

Don’t let them gaslight you into believing it has anything to do with fentanyl or cocaine

It’s about oil

It’s about creating chaos

And it’s about one man’s fragile ego

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Friday Fuckery As Told By Jeff Tiedrich

you knew this was coming.

after Mad King Donny shitcanned the Commissioner of Labor Statistics for committing the treasonous crime of understanding how numbers work, it was only a matter of time before he announced that he had the actual job numbers — and they were great numbers. numbers like no one’s ever seen. maybe greatest numbers of all time.

yesterday was that day.

the Mad King excitedly dragged reporters into that vulgar bordello that used to be the Oval Office, held up a chart, and went see? see?

see what, exactly? Donny never explains.

this one chart really says it better than anything, if you look at this. this is great. but this chart is pretty amazing. right here. all new numbers.”

excuse me, Mr. President, but I have a question: what the fuck are you talking about?

seriously, does anyone have any idea what that chart is supposed to represent? we don’t know. the lettering is too tiny to read, and Donny never tells us. are those the number of times Donny’s mentioned in the Epstein Files?

what does the line in that chart signify? no one has the slightest clue. all we see is that it’s going up. up to where? to eleven?

break out the champagne, our roaring economy has finally gone all the way up to eleven.

are you wondering where that chart came from?

I hope you’re sitting down, because you’re going to be shocked when you learn that the numbers in that chart were ginned up, just to mollify the thinnest-skinned imbecile ever to load a diaper in the Oval Office.

Donny needed a compliant yes-man willing to fake some fairy-tale data, and oh boy, did he ever find one.

During an impromptu news conference, the president displayed charts from Stephen Moore, an economist at the conservative Heritage Foundation, that he said proved his economy was better than that of his predecessor, President Joseph R. Biden Jr.

oh look, it’s Stephen Moore, God’s Gift to Gibberish.

that’s just fucking great. Moore is one of these supply-side goons. he’s spent the last thirty years beating the drums for zero taxes for billionaires and the end of regulations. tell me, how has that economic hokus-pokus worked out for the rest of us?

seriously, though: Moore was purposely making happy-time charts for an Audience of One.

It just so happened that the Heritage Foundation economist had been crunching some census data, and he began assembling the figures into graphs that he knew would please the president.

“I showed him about five or six of these charts, and he was excited about the good news,” Mr. Moore said in an interview. “So he said let’s have an impromptu press conference.”

so that’s how we got the performative nonsense that played out in the Oval Office yesterday. some Heritage Foundation goofus went running to Donny to placate him with some made-up data, and Donny — who in no way understood what he was looking at — decided that the White House press pool had to get involved.

get in here, everyone — come see the line that goes all the way up.

Moore pretty much admitted that these ‘amazing’ new numbers were pulled straight from his ass.

Mr. Moore said his numbers were based on unpublished data from the Census Bureau, which means they are difficult to verify independently.

now let’s go live to the Heritage Foundation, where economists are busy crunching that ahem unpublished data.

tell me, is it a bad thing when a so-called quote-unquote economics expert doesn’t know the difference between ‘median’ and ‘medium’?

I really need to know, because here’s one of the charts that Donny and Supply Side Steve showed off to reporters.

let’s zoom in.

holy shit, it says ‘medium income,’ which is definitely not a thing — unless I’m unaware of the existence of ‘rare income’ and ‘well-done income.’

you can’t even google ‘medium income.’ when I tried, google assumed I had meant to type median, and displayed results for that.

how does an alleged economist not know this? this is who Donny has spoon-feeding imaginary good-news numbers to him. does it even matter that the charts make no sense? not at all, when the only goal is to please Dear Leader.

this is all so fucking embarrassing.

America is now an international laughingstock, because our president is such an unmanageable child that he has to be shielded from bad news.

you know who else had to be shielded from bad news because everyone was terrified of making him mad, don’t you? of course you do.

did you know that during the Donny’s first reign, there was a guy in the White House they called the Music Man? I shit you not.

According to a new book by former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, the “music man” was the only person who could manage Trump’s “terrifying” temper, playing hit songs from musicals to help calm him down.

This included the maudlin Cats ballad “Memory,” which finds an old, unloved feline pining for the days when she was young, beautiful, and adored.

this is our president: a colicky toddler who needs show tunes to keep him from stroking out. we really are living in the shittiest possible timeline.

but the current White House staff has one-upped the old one. they don’t need any Music Man to play syrupy show tunes, not this time around. the new plan is to coddle Dear Leader inside a impenetrable bubble of ignorance, by taking whatever steps are necessary to ensure that he never encounters a single piece of unpleasant news. if that includes ginning up nonsensical charts about how “medium income” is through the fucking roof, so be it.

and if keeping Donny happy includes letting him steal whatever he can get his greasy hands on, well, so be that, too. in that video clip at the top of this post, did you notice what Donny now proudly displays behind his desk?

oh look, it’s the Club World Cup Trophy that Preznit Grabbyhands stole. you remember that story: the head of FIFA brought the trophy to the White House to show it off, and Donny was all that’s mine now. the team that actually won that trophy had to make do with a cheap replica — because nobody wanted to make the Mad King madder.

we also had to allow Donny to steal the Declaration of Independence and hog it all for himself. there it is, on the wall behind that farcical ‘medium income’ chart.

have you noticed that every day, there’s more and more of that cheap gold-plated tat glued to every square inch of the Oval Office? look what he’s done to the fucking door.

hey Donny, I just got off the phone with the ghost of Liberace. he says to tone it the fuck down, you cheap hoodlum.

speaking of gaudy, here’s the most-recent photo of that abomination that they’re still calling the Rose Garden. the cement slab has now been festooned with patio tables.

why? who is supposed to be sitting in them?

but hang on, there’s something familiar about those umbrellas. they look pretty golf-motelly to me. wouldn’t you agree? wait a minute, I know where I’ve seen those umbrellas before. they’re exactly the same as the ones on the patio of Motel-a-Lago!

oh my god. fake charts, cheap golden tat, stolen treasures, and now a Rose Garden that’s a dime-store knockoff of his own dime-store golf motel.

he’s such a pathetic fucking child.

try not to laugh — or cry — at how embarrassing this all is. you don’t want to make the Mad King mad.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

he’s so fucking gross, and he defiles everything he puts his nasty little hands on.

it was bad enough when he tarted up the Oval Office with so much tasteless gold tat that it now looks like the gift shop of a bordello. you could have sent a child in there, armed with macaroni, glue, and a can of gold spray paint, and they would have done a more tasteful job.

tell me, how broken-inside do you have to be to gaze upon a historic and beautifully-curated rose garden and think ‘nah, let’s pave right the fuck over that shit’?

Donny, we’re told, wants the White House grounds to look more like his seedy little Florida golf motel. why? he’s down at Motel-a-Lago almost every weekend. does he really get that homesick the four days of the week he’s up in Washington, that he needs to turn the White House into some sterile parking lot?

does Donny want to be able to look out the Oval Office window, and there’s the Space Nazi, high as two ketamine-soaked kites, sitting on the patio where the Rose Garden used to be, piloting Forkship One to Mars?

nobody asked for this — and yet it’s being shoved in all of our faces, because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells America’s Mad King what he can or can’t do.

now get ready to projectile vomit, because Little Donny Fuckface isn’t done shitting all over what we used to — in more innocent times — call The People’s House.

look at this abomination.

nobody asked for this, but Donny’s going to burn through two hundred million dollars in his quest to bulldoze the White House and replace it with a gaudy golf motel.

and I mean that quite literally — because I hear you asking ‘hey Uncle Jeff. ninety thousand square feet is larger than a football field. how is a ballroom of that size going to fit in the current White House?’

the answer is, it’s not.

the plan is to something-something-something the 55,000-square-foot East Wing and who the fuck knows what after that. if you want actual details, forget about it — because as usual, nobody in the White House can get their stories straight.

here’s Karoline Lie-vitt’s version.

The ballroom will be built where the “small, heavily changed, and reconstructed East Wing currently sits,” Leavitt said Thursday during a press briefing. When asked if crews would tear anything down to make way for the new structure, Leavitt said “the East Wing is going to be modernized.”

that’s complete nonsense. you can’t put a 90,000-square-foot ballroom where the 55,000-square-foot East Wing currently sits without tearing something down.

math, how does it work?

and here’s Donny’s version.

“It won’t be— it’ll be near it, but not touching it, and pays total respect to the existing building, which I’m the biggest fan of,” Mr. Trump said.

so which is it, you ass-clowns? is it going to replace the East Wing, or be near it?

by the way, here’s another artist’s rendition of the new ballroom.

oh no, wait — I’m sorry, that’s an actual photo of the Kremlin.

again, nobody asked for this. you can’t have healthcare, but Donny’s going to set fire to two hundred million dollars in his compulsive crusade to replicate his vermin-infested golf motel.

what’s next for the White House, Donny? hey, how about a spa? just think of it, bro — a vulgar golden spa, complete with teenage “spa girls,” just like the kind you and your dead pedo bestie used to fight over.

Donny won’t be happy until he’s shit all over everything we hold dear. one by one, he’s taken our once-sacred institutions and clownfucked them until they were worthless.

remember the Presidential Medal of Freedom? it used to be the highest honor that our nation could bestow on a civilian.

no more. now it’s that cheap trinket the president’s Slovenian trophy wife hung around the neck of some drug-addled sex-tourist.


Donny’s also made a mockery of our legal system. he’s used his presidential powers to pardon cronies, murderers and war criminals.

nobody should be surprised if he pardons the woman who used to wander the Motel-a-Lago spa rooms in search of teenage girls she could traffic for Donny’s dead pedo bestie.

speaking of which, the hornet’s nest Donny kicked when he let slip that he and Jeffrey Epstein fought over possession of those ‘spa girls’ shows no sign of going away.

yesterday, at a White House event for who the fuck even cares, the only thing the reporters wanted to talk about was you-know-what.

eporter: “the family of Virginia Giuffre released a statement overnight in response to some of the comments that you made this week, that Jeffrey Epstein ‘stole’ people from Mar-a-Lago. at the time, did you know why he was taking those young women, including Virginia Giuffre?”

Donny: “no, I didn’t know. I mean, I would figure it was ABC fake news that would ask that question, one of the worst.”

oh, so a fact that Donny let seep out of his rancid anus-mouth two days ago — that Virginia Giuffre was ‘stolen’ (she wasn’t your possession, Donny) — now, all of a sudden it’s ‘fake news’?

news flash for Donny: you’re the one who put the story out there, dumb-ass.

Does anyone besides the brain-dead cultists really believe that Donny didn’t know what Epstein was up to? what the fuck was that birthday poem about sharing ‘wonderful secrets’ all about?

was it Jeffrey Epstein’s recipe for the perfect bloody mary? was that the ‘wonderful secret’? I don’t think so.

don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining, Donny.

now let’s all enjoy Donny concluding his hissy-fit and walking smack into his podium.

fun fact: one of the signs of advancing dementia is the inability to move around without bumping into things.

here are your heroes of the day: the Swedish state-owned energy company Vattenfall, who hired Samuel L. Jackson to star in a commercial entitled “Motherfucking Wind Farms.”

enjoy.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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I Asked ChatGPT To Generate A Report on the Current State of the USA from an Alien Anthropoligist

And I can’t say I disagree with a single word of it.

Field Report: Sociocultural Assessment of the United States (Terran Subregion)

Observer: T’lenn 47-A, Anthropology Unit, Galactic Survey Corps

Planet: Earth (Sol III)

Region Focus: United States of America

Date of Observation: Terran Year 2025

I. Political Structure and Stability

The subject entity exhibits a constitutional-democratic framework in form, though in practice it is experiencing elevated internal discord. Two dominant political factions—nominally committed to representative governance—display increasingly oppositional behavior. Legislative gridlock and erosion of trust in electoral integrity are prominent.

Assessment: Fragmented political identity. Signs of institutional fatigue. Tribal allegiance superseding collective governance.

II. Economic Conditions

Economic indicators suggest extreme productive capacity and technological sophistication. However, wealth stratification is acute. Despite an abundance of resources, substantial populations experience housing insecurity, inadequate medical care, and food instability.

Assessment: Advanced technocapitalist system with malfunctioning redistributive mechanisms. Resource surplus coexists with systemic deprivation.

III. Technosocial Dynamics

Civilians possess high-access to digital systems, artificial intelligence, and near-instant global communication. Yet social cohesion is in decline. Widespread misinformation, addictive interfaces, and algorithmic echo chambers contribute to psychological distress and civic fragmentation.

Assessment: Neural overload from information ecosystems. Adaptation lag between cognitive architecture and technological environment.

IV. Cultural Output and Influence

Despite domestic turbulence, the entity remains a prolific generator of cultural content—music, cinema, fashion, digital media—consumed globally. Narrative control and emotional resonance through storytelling remain potent instruments of influence.

Assessment: Cultural hegemon. Exports identity-forming content at scale. Myth and media deeply intertwined.

V. Ecological Behavior

Empirical evidence of ecological decline (climate variation, biosphere stress) is broadly available. Responses are fragmented. Resistance to mitigation stems from industrial interests and short-horizon political calculations.

Assessment: Cognitive dissonance between awareness and action. Evolutionarily maladaptive prioritization of immediate economic benefit.

VI. Ideological Constructs

The region is structured around self-perpetuating ideals: individual freedom, exceptionalism, meritocracy. However, operational reality increasingly diverges from foundational mythologies. Internal debates over identity, history, and justice intensify.

Assessment: Mythic dissonance. Foundational narratives both unify and destabilize.

Conclusion

The United States represents a paradox: a civilization at the apex of capability yet mired in internal contradiction. It is uncertain whether the entity will stabilize, bifurcate, or collapse under the weight of its own complexity.

Projected Trajectory:

Outcome indeterminate. Requires continued observation.

Recommendation:

Reassess in 5–10 orbital cycles or upon evidence of major systemic shift.

 

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Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!

since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.

apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.

I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’

but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.

Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’

I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?

you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.

never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?

so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.

what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?

by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.

that’s from the 1950s.

tuesday: new scandal drops

oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’

“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”

this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”

let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.

seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.

how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.

as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom

well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.

“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”

yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.

oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.

thursday: runnin’ with the devil

let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”

wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?

excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.

yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.

friday: so mad. so sad.

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.

Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.

Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.

yeah! that’ll show ’em.

‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’

no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.

the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.

Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.

what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.

congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.

you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.

hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up

ah, memories.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

 

 

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

every Republican is giddy with glee today, because the President of the United States is coming to the Grand Opening of their latest exercise in abject cruelty: an actual concentration camp.

read that sentence again. then read it another hundred times, and ask yourself: what the fuck?

what the fuck is a question you’re going to be asking yourself a lot today, because just a few short years ago, none of this shit would have even been thinkable — and now, deliberate human rights abuses are official government policy.

what the fuck?

look, the visit is right there on Donny’s official schedule.

‘Alligator Alcatraz’ — isn’t that name totally adorbs? — is the brainchild of Florida Governor Ron DeSadist. he commandeered a decaying, abandoned airport in the middle of hot, humid, mosquito-, alligator- and python- infested South Florida swampland, hastily put up a few hundred tents, and declared that America’s newest concentration camp is open for business.

send us all those nannies and day laborers that ICE has been disappearing off the streets, and we’ll make sure their lives are as miserable as possible as they await being shipped off to who the fuck cares, just get them out of Dear Leader’s sight.

seriously, what the fuck?

you would hope that DeSantis would at least have the decency to be ashamed of what he’s doing, and pull all this shit under the cover of darkness. but nope, he’s super fucking proud of himself. last week, he gave a tour of the joint to Fox News.

“and then of course, you also have stuff for the staff here. so you’ve got laundry facilities, we’ve got showers, we’ve got— obviously, you see the shower and bath facilities.”

how awesome. the guards and staff get air conditioning, hot meals and bathrooms. the lucky inmates, however, are cordially invited to go fuck themselves. they get tents, on what used to be an airport tarmac, under the hundred-degree Florida summer sun.

what the fuck?

Ron put this whole thing together in a matter of days, so you know it’s going to be some shoddily-built piece of shit that’s going to be a nightmare to live in.

know where Ron got the $450 million to finance this abomination? from FEMA. think about that the next time a category-five hurricane devastates Florida and the government is all oh, so sorry, there’s no money to rebuild.

you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny has put his stamp of approval on this entire abomination.

“tomorrow, President Trump will travel to the great state of Florida, to attend the opening of a new illegal alien detention center located at Dade-Collier training and transition airport… the facility is in the heart of the Everglades, and will be informally known as ‘Alligator Alcatraz.’ there is only one road leading in, and the only way out is a one-way flight. it is isolated and surrounded by dangerous wildlife — an unforgiving terrain. the facility will have up to five thousand beds, house, process and deport criminal illegal aliens. this is an efficient and low cost way to help carry out the largest mass deportation campaign in American history.”

what kind of sick fuck brags about this shit?

the only way out is a one-way flight, because there’s no due process.congratulations, Stephen Miller is your judge, jury and executioner.

one minute you’re stocking the shelves of a Home Depot — and the next thing you know, ICE goons swoop in and rendition you off to Alligator Auschwitz. next stop, some hellhole slave-labor gulag in El Salvador. if you’re lucky.

what the fuck?

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.

the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.

let us review the atrocities.

the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.

this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.

let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’

“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”

yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.

but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.

“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”

seriously?

presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.

did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?

I shit you not.

At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”

Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.

but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.

twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?

this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.

Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”

trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.

but now, even Massie is happily chowing down on the trust Dear Leadershitwich.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58

“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”

that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.

come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.

Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.

these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.

meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.

no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.

wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.

Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.

US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.

but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.

oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?

“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”

oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.

I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.

I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.

the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.

nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.

we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?

Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.

but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.

“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.

Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.

Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”

fuck me, we’re doomed.

let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.

we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?