Once a legitimate blog. Now just a collection of memes 'n menz.
MAGA: Every day. More stupid.
The rest of the world doesn’t give a shit about Trump’s racism and misogyny.
Mr Art of the Deal has used his rancid personality to isolate America from the world.
For what? He taxes US consumers and Republican Congress just nods.
Now, no imports.
So much is sacrificed to avoid Trump’s fragile ego. Anyone with experience with a bully knows you punch the bully in the nose.
if Mad King Donny thought questions about his dead pedo bestie wouldn’t follow him all the way to his dilapidated Scotland golf motel, boy did he think wrong — but thinking wrong has pretty much always been Donny’s brand.
Preznit Fuckwit had one of his Many Big Meetings™ yesterday — this one with British Prime Minister Keir Starmer. ostensibly, the meeting was to announce that the two countries had once again agreed to meet to discuss an outline for a framework for notes of a concept for an inkling of a trade deal — but none of the assembled reporters wanted to talk about that dog-and-pony shit. their questions were more along the lines of ‘what the fuck are you covering up, bro?’
reporter: “you said you have not been briefed on the Epstein Files, or your name does not appear in the Epstein Files. but doesn’t the AG have to tell you if your name—”
Donny: “well, I haven’t been overly interested in it. you know, it’s something— it’s a hoax that’s been built up way beyond proportion. I can say this, those files were run by the worst scum on earth. they were run by, uh, Comey, they were run by Garland, they were run by Biden and all of the people that actually ran the government, including the autopen. those files were run for four years, by those people. if they had anything, I assume they would have released it. the whole thing is a hoax. they ran the files. I was running against somebody that ran the files. if they had something, they would have released— now, they can easily put something in the file that’s a phony.”
hoo-boy. let’s see if we can parse this lunatic’s shit-blizzard of tortured logic.
first of all, President Pudding Cup doesn’t know what’s in the files, because he’s ‘not overly interested’ in them — but he does know that whatever’s in them is a hoax. but he also knows that nothing incriminating is in them, because if there were, Biden would have released them. but maybe there isfake stuff, because it would be easy to do. Donny can’t stick to one story.
notice how the cast of characters keeps changing. last week, Obama and Hillary were in the mix. this week, they’re gone, replaced by Merrick Garland and — get this — Joe Biden’s autopen. how the fuck does that work? how did the autopen help write the Epstein Files? can we get Comer Fudd to subpoena the autopen? I’ll bet it’s got stories to tell that would set your ears on fire.
never lose sight of the fact that Donny ran on a promise to release the Epstein Files — a promise he swore to keep, right up until the moment Pam Bondi took him aside and said ‘shut the fuck up about the Files already, your name is all over that shit.’ that’s when the Files magically went from real to a hoax.
that’s why none of Donny’s pungent mouth-farts about how ‘the Files are a hoax’ hold water.
every time Donny opens his big fat yap, he just makes himself sound guiltier and guiltier.
what’s that you say, Donny? you want to dig yourself deeper? go right ahead, my dude.
“and by the way, I never went to the island. and Bill Clinton went there supposedly uhhhhhhh 28 times. uh, I never went to the island, but Larry Summers, I hear, went there. he was the head of Harvard, and many other people who are very big people, nobody ever talks about them. I never had the privilege of going to his island. and I did turn it down, but a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island.”
methinks the Mad King doth protest too much.
Donny never went to Epstein’s island, understand? but look over there! Bill Clinton did, and so did Larry Summers! so did ‘many big people’! and ‘people in Palm Beach’! hey, you know who else went to Epstein Island? SQUIRREL!
by the way, where is Donny getting his information that Bill Clinton was at the island 28 times? is it from the fake Epstein Files that Hillary Clinton was one of the authors of? did she put that in there, the number 28? or was it the autopen who did that?
remember that with Donny, every accusation is a confession. his angry insistence that he’s never been to Epstein’s island is all the proof you need that he’s been there so many times that he could draw a map of it for you. oh no, wait — Donny doesn’t do drawings.
reporter: “that drawing that the Wall Street Journal report—”
Donny: “I don’t do drawings. I’m not a drawing person. I don’t do drawings … I don’t do drawings of women, that I can tell you. they say there’s a drawing of a woman, and I don’t do drawings of women.”
fact check:
does the Imbecile-in-Chief really not understand how totally guilty he makes himself look when he denies doing what we’ve all seen him do?
how’d that fucking drawing get in the book, Donny? was it Joe Biden’s autopen?
keep talking, Donny. you’re guaranteeing that the press never drops this story.
and now for the Crowning Moment of Moron. Donny’s going to — to at long last — divulge a 20-year-old secret: why did he break up with his pedo bestie? we’re all on the edge of our chair right now, because until this moment, Donny’s always refused to talk about it.
reporter: “the time you threw him out of Mar-a-Lago. would you settle that? what was that all about?”
Donny: “that’s such old history. very easy to explain, but I don’t want to waste your time by explaining it. but for years, I wouldn’t talk to Jeffrey Epstein. I wouldn’t talk, because he did something that was inappropriate: he hired help. and I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he stole people that worked for me. I said ‘don’t ever do that again.’ he did it again, and I threw him out of the place. and that was it.”
[I’d wager that good ol’ Jeff tried to get a piece of Ivanka, and as we all know, she’s strictly Donnie’s property. – MA]
wait, what? that’s what Donny’s pedo bestie did, that was ‘inappropriate’? he poached workers from Donny’s shitty golf motel?
that’s Donny line in the sand? that’s his bridge too fucking far?
so that’s what broke the friendship apart. not the fact that Epstein was a complete skeeve. that wasn’t ‘inappropriate.’ not the fact that Epstein literally raped the teenage girls that his equally-skeevy girlfriend procured for him. no, all that was totes cool with Donny, and certainly not ‘inappropriate,’ either.
all these slime-balls deserve each other — in hell.
oh, wait — before we go, let’s watch Donny struggle to answer a question that for once wasn’t about his dead pedo bestie.
reporter: “you talked about setting up food centers in conjunction with other organizations.”
here’s how you can tell that this European reporter has never dealt with America’s Mad King before: he uses a big word like ‘conjunction.’ but let’s let him continue.
reporter: “are you talking about Gaza? how will this work?”
Donny: “well it’s going to be working with the United States, uh, helping with the food. we have a lot of access to food. we gotta lotta food, ourselves, and we’re gonna bring it over there. we’re also going to make sure they don’t have barriers stopping people. you’ve seen the area where they actually have food, and the people are screaming for food, they’re thirty-five, forty yards away, and they won’t let them because they have lines. that are set up. and whether they’re set up by Hamas or whoever, they’re very strict lines. we have to get rid of those lines.”
what is Donny blithering about, he’s seen ‘lines’ set up by ‘Hamas or whoever,’ and that’s why starving Palestinians can’t get food?
once again, Donny doesn’t know shit about shit — but all this incoherent gibberish makes much more sense when you realize that Donny is probably reacting to a context-free clip he saw on Fox News. he has no idea what the lines were for, or who set them up — ‘Hamas or whoever’ — because he no doubt had the sound turned down and was only half paying attention.
that’s where Donny is getting his information on the massive, deliberate human rights violations going on in Gaza: from Fox News. he’s as fucking ignorant about current events as his own brain-dead cultists are.
maybe it was Joe Biden’s autopen that drew that line.
but wait — it gets stupider.
Donny: “we’re going to be getting some good strong food.”
I’m sorry, good strong what?
the sitting president of the United States has a toddler’s understanding of the world, and a vocabulary to match. it really makes you want to guzzle paint thinner straight from the can.
here’s your hero of the day: the unknown person who interrupted Donny’s remarks on the front steps of his ramshackle Scotland golf motel.
give a listen as Donny gets drowned out by the only sound on the planet more annoying than his own grating voice: bagpipes.
can we please hire this person to come to Washington, DC?
oyal MAGA patriots, please stand by for a personal message of the utmost importance from Dear Leader. ready? here it is:
“they want to talk about the Epstein hoax. the sad part is, it’s people that are really doing the Democrats’ work. they’re stupid people.”
I hate to break it to you MAGAs, but this is Donny’s messaging now: that thing that actually happened, and that he encouraged you to believe in for years, is a now a hoax, and you’re an idiot for believing it.
ok, I lied. I fucking love breaking it to you that Dear Leader thinks you’re an idiot. how’s it feel, cultists, to find out that the guy you’ve devoted your life to just dropped you like a sack of potatoes?
oh look, it’s time for another Reading from the Book of Dumbfuck.
h joy, we’re in for a rehashing of every grudge and grievance. buckle in, here comes some turbulence.
The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at – It’s all they have – They are no good at governing, no good at policy, and no good at picking winning candidates.
fact check: [mimes jerk-off motions]
Joe Biden brought us out of a pandemic, and our economy recovered at a rate faster than almost any other country in the world.
now, here comes the juicy part.
Also, unlike Republicans, they stick together like glue. Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore!
holy shit! Donny just actually called his cultists ‘weaklings,’ and said he doesn’t want their support any more!
Thank you for your attention to this matter. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
YES, YOU NOW HAVE MY FULL ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
look, we get it. all that fuckery Donny got caught dead to rights doing, he’s always been able to sell it to the cultists as a hoax, just by shouting hoax hoax hoax until it sticks.
that shit’s worked in the past, but it’s not working with the Epstein Files, because Donny has a serious problem: he’s taken his own credibility out to the gavel pit and noemed it until it was dead dead dead.
hey, remember when this happened?
remember when a bunch of left-wing commie influencers were invited to the Biden White House and were each given their own binder labeled “the Epstein Files, Phase 1”? that was—
[taps earpiece] hang on, I’m being told that these are MAGA influencers who were at the White House in February of this year, and those binders were handed to them by Donny’s own flunkies.
MAGA remembers that day. they ran around punching their fists in the air, and shouting about how at last, the truth will out! — and now the cultists are being told they’re ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing the thing Donny handed them and told them to believe.
and what about the literal hundreds of photos and videos of Donny and Jeffrey partying together?
are MAGAs now supposed to believe that all these images are part of some ‘deep state’ conspiracy?
let’s check in with the cultists, and see how they enjoy being called ‘stupid weaklings’ for believing ‘bullshit.’
Donald Trump just said he doesn’t want my support anymore because I care about the Epstein Files. Goodbye, Mr. President. You just lost me.”
oh dear — I don’t think they’re buying it.
“gaslight us harder daddy”
check out misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. on Tuesday, Donny personally phoned Chuckers and begged him to shut the fuck up about Epstein. it worked…
…for about 24 hours. it turns out that even bizarre lawn ornaments hate being called stupid.
oh. huh.
over at MechaHitler’s Nazi Bar, the hashtag #trumppedofiles has been trending for days now.
so yeah, things are going just swimmingly right now for the Mad King.
oh, is it time to play Easy Questions, Easy Answers again?
[raises hand] wait, I know the answer to this! Alex, it’s because Donny’s a self-destructive imbecile.
as he’s done so many times in the past, Donny’s made things worse for himself. what he should have said was nothing — because let’s face it, the cultists are dumb as fuck, and they’re easily distracted. if Donny had played this right, the whole thing would have already burned itself out, and MAGA would have moved on to the next shiny object. but Donny can’t ever keep his rancid anus-mouth shut, and by calling his cultists stupid weaklings whose support he no longer wants, he’s once again shoved his dick into a hornet’s nest and clownfucked it into a frenzy.
good going, dumb-ass.
here’s another thing that happened yesterday. tell me, does this firing make Donny’s ass look guilty?
Maurene Comey was a lead prosecutor on the investigation and prosecution of Epstein and his former girlfriend and accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell. Maxwell was convicted and is serving a 20-year sentence.
oh sure, let’s take the one person in the Department of Justice who knows all the dirt on Epstein, and make her job go fuckity-bye — right as interest in the Epstein Files is reaching a fever pitch. there’s nothing suspicious about the timing at all.
that Maurene is James Comey’s daughter is just icing on the cake.
I don’t know about you, but President Guilty McGuiltyguilty sure sounds like he’s guilty of something.
reporter: “President Trump, would you consider appointing a special counsel to investigate the Jeffrey Epstein investigation?”
Donny: “I have nothing to do with it.” [hurries the fuck away]
one thing is for certain: Donny would like to THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO ANY OTHER MATTER IN THE WORLD
“I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so. I’d like to thank all of those in authority at Coca-Cola. This will be a very good move by them — You’ll see. It’s just better!”
it looks like Donny’s plan is to distract us with another round of Things That Never Happened The Most™.
Donny, come clean. were you speaking to Coca-Cola, or were you speaking to a bottle of Coca-Cola? is that bottle in the room with us right now?
it’s a legit question, because when NBC News contacted Coca-Cola for comment, they were all we’re putting the what in what now?
hey Gavin Newsom, are you distracted yet?
No Fucks To Give Newsom is my favorite Gavin Newsom.
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.
apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.
I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’
but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.
Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’
I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?
you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.
never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?
so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.
what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?
by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.
that’s from the 1950s.
oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’
“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”
this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”
let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.
seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.
how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.
as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.
well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.
“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”
yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.
oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.
let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”
wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?
excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.
yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.
FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.
Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.
Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.
yeah! that’ll show ’em.
‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’
no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.
the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.
Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.
what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.
congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.
you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.
hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up
ah, memories.
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
‘shithole countries.’
that was Little Donny Fuckface’s adorable catch-all phrase for all those little African countries he had no interesting in learning the names of.
why do we let people from shithole countries come here, raged Donny in a White House meeting in 2018. why can’t we get more white people to immigrate, from places like Norway?
racists gonna racist, whatcha gonna do?
let’s watch what happens when America’s Racist-in-Chief sits down with the leaders of some of those ‘shithole countries’ and trots out his ignorance for all to see.
Donny: “thank you, and such good English. where did you learn to speak so beautifully? you were educated where?”
Liberia’s President Joseph Boakai: “Liberia.”
Donny: “in Liberia? that’s very interesting. beautiful English, too. I have people at this table can’t speak nearly as well.”
holy shit. could this ginormous asshole possibly be any more condescending?Donny can’t imagine that a black man from Africa — of all places! — would speak flawless English. surely, President Boakai must have left his native county — where they no doubt gibber incomprehensibly — to learn English at some prestigious university. was it Oxford? Cambridge?
no, you ignorant fuck, President Boakai learned English at home, from his parents. because fact check: English is the official language of Liberia.
it’s not ‘interesting’ that President Boakai speaks flawless English any more than it’s interesting that Donny barks out THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS in that coarse Queens, New York accent of his.
here’s a cool fact about Liberia: its nickname is ‘Little America.’ here’s why:
For nearly five decades, starting in 1820, some 13,000 freed American slaves and their families colonized the region as part of a privately organized repatriation effort. Having given itself a name reflecting the settlers’ liberation, Liberia declared itself an independent nation in 1847—Africa’s first.
Donny would have known this, if he had read the briefing papers his staffers probably don’t even bother to prepare any more, because their boss is a jackass who never does the reading.
read? are you fucking kidding me? that’s time Donny could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf. Donny knows what he imagines he knows — and that’s good enough for Donny.
I guarantee everything Donny “knows” about Africa comes from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons as a child in the 1940s.
we probably should all be grateful that Donny didn’t ask President Boakai if he’d ever cooked someone in a pot.
what a fucking embarrassment.
world leaders have learned how to deal with America’s volatile Toddler King: by flattering the shit out of him. here’s Bassirou Diomaye Faye, the president of Senegal (through a translator), pretending to give two fucks about golf.
“I know you are a tremendous golf player. golf requires concentration and precision, qualities that also make for a great leader. Senegal has exceptional opportunities to offer, including in the area of tourism. so, perhaps it would just be six hours by flight, from New York, from Miami, from Europe, or from the Gulf, and that would be an opportunity for you to show off your skills on the golf course, too.”
once again, none of this is normal. world leaders shouldn’t have to humiliate themselves, just to remain in the good graces of a broken-inside narcissist obsessed with settling scores over imaginary grievances. but this is how it the game is played now: diplomacy by extortion. you want something from the mob boss? pony up, bro. Qatar gave me a flying bordello. Syria’s letting me put up a golden tower in Damascus. whattaya got to offer, in that shithole country of yours? enough open land for a golf course? awesome.
kiss the ring and sign the damn check.
the thing is, all that ass-kissing is for naught — because Donny doesn’t give a fuck who any of these people are.
“maybe we’re gonna have to go a bit quicker than this, because we have a whole schedule. um, if I could just ask your name and your country, would be great. thank you, please.”
Donny hasn’t the slightest clue who he’s talking to, or where they’re from — and I guarantee you that he doesn’t care. snap it up, bro, I gotta whole schedule here, give me your name and country so I can immediately forget them, because I don’t give a fuck.
in fact, let’s all watch President Don’t Give a Fuck not give a fuck.
reporter: “do you expect any of the countries here to face tariffs as well?”
Donny: “uh, I haven’t thought of it, but maybe, I don’t know. let’s see, I like him, him, him, him, and him. no, I don’t think so, not too much. these are friends of mine now.”
sure they are. pro tip: people generally know their friends’ names, and don’t just go him, him, him.
imagine that Donny had a normal marriage — one where his Slovenian trophy wife didn’t loathe him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. imagine that Melania actually lived under the same roof as Donny, and that the two of them talked to each other over the dinner table. how would last night’s conversation had gone? like this, I’m sure:
“who did you meet with today, honey?”
“who the fuck cares.”
here’s the other embarrassing thing Donny did yesterday: he slapped a 50% tariff on Brazil. why, is it because we have that big a trade deficit with Brazil? fuck no. in fact, we have a trade SURPLUS with Brazil.
oh, huh. then why hit Brazil with punitive tariffs, if we’re running a surplus?
this is why: because Donny’s in a Big Mad because Brazil is prosecuting his despot bestie Jair Bolsonaro.
after losing his reelection bid in 2020, Bolsonaro tried to pull off his own January 6, and failed miserably — and because Brazil apparently doesn’t live in the same shittiest possible timeline that we do, they actually arrested Bolsonaro and are trying him for his crimes.
now, Bolsonaro doesn’t have his own Supreme Court to anoint him a Very Special Boy Who Can January 6 His Own Country — but he does have his very own Mad King Donnie, and Donny’s gonna tariff the bejeesus out of Brazil if they don’t cut that shit out.
Donny trying to impose American-style corruption onto a law-abiding nation is embarrassing enough, but what’s reallyembarrassing is the letter Donny sent to Brazilian President da Silva.
look at this incoherent piece of shit, with it oddball random capitalization, and fifth-grade-level vocabulary.
so unfair! so unfair! whines Donny, because of course he does.
The way that Brazil has treated former President Bolsonaro, a Highly Respected Leader throughout the World during his Term, including by the United States, is an international disgrace. This Trial should not be taking place. It is a Witch Hunt that should end IMMEDIATELY!
look at how it closes, above that psychotic Klan-hood signature of his.
You will never be disappointed with the United States of America.
spoiler alert: yes, we will be. yes, we are.
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
fuck off.
it’s all so embarrassing.
here’s a fun thing that Republicans can do right now: go fuck themselves.
oh look, Texas’ doughiest pantload, the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun, has found himself a camera to stand in front of.
“I talked about the partisan finger-pointing … just immediately trying to use it, for either side to attack their political opponents, I think that’s cynical and not the right approach.”
okay. on the one hand, Ted is not entirely wrong, about knee-jerk finger-pointing from ‘either side.’ but on the other hand — hey, Ted, is this you?
in today’s Verdict With Ted Cruz podcast, we break down the catastrophic policy decisions made by elected politicians in California, made by Governor Gavin Newsom, made by Mayor Karen Bass … they put politics over the safety of the men and women in California..”
that video was posted on January 10, 2025, while parts of Los Angeles were burning to the ground. fires were still raging, but Ted Cruz couldn’t wait to politicize the shit out of that tragedy. he dove head-first into partisan finger-pointing with the same vigor he displays when elbowing his way to the front of an all-you-can-eat buffet in Cancun.
in fact, every Republican joined the let’s blame Democrats pile-on — and it wasn’t even legitimate criticism. it was the dumbest fucking hallucinatory bullshit imaginable.
Los Angeles, they said, burned down because of all the woke. because of diversity. because the Fire Commissioner was a woman. the horror! because mean old Gavin Newsom refused to open that imaginary faucet in Canada, causing all the fire hydrants to run dry.
fact check: it was a hurricane made of fucking fire.
those were 98-mile-per-hour winds that the LA Fire Department were dealing with.
where was Ted Cruz’s tut-tutting about let’s not engage in partisan finger-pointing when the Space Nazi not-tweeted this:
Libs of TikTok: “The LA Fire Dept passed a ‘racial equity plan’ to end ‘systemic, institutional, and structural racism’ in LA.”
Space Nazi: “They prioritized DEI over saving lives and homes.”
racism doesn’t get more racist than ‘LA burned because they let those peoplebe firefighters.’
where was Ted Cruz’s outrage when Fox News found object Jesse Waters shit his vile misogyny right into the waiting mouths of his audience?
“this right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is the leadership of the LA Fire Department. I sure hope they know what they’re doing.”
I guess Ted was too busy recording his own worthless podcast to notice.
and let us not forget President Stupid J. Fuckingmoron’s obsession with that imaginary spigot, which in this instance had apparently migrated from Canada to northern California.
“Governor Gavin Newscum should immediately go to Northern California and open up the water main, and let the water flow into his dry, starving, burning State, instead of having it go out into the Pacific Ocean. It ought to be done right now, NO MORE EXCUSES FROM THIS INCOMPETENT GOVERNOR. IT’S ALREADY FAR TOO LATE!”
remember the extortion racket that Republicans tried to pull, while the fires were still raging?
that was the genius plan of some fuckface congressman from Ohio. he wanted to punish every Californian by withholding aid unless Gavin Newsom personally raked every forest. all Republicans — including Fidel Cancun — were on board with that.
you want partisan finger-pointing? every time there’s a natural disaster in a Democratic-run state, Republicans use it as a chance to air grievances and settle scores.
here’s a golden oldie from 2018, during the Mad King’s first reign.
Mark Harvey, who was Trump’s senior director for resilience policy on the National Security Council staff, told E&E News on Wednesday that Trump initially refused to approve disaster aid for California after deadly wildfires in 2018 because of the state’s Democratic leanings.
in this instance, Donny wasn’t even trying to get California to change its policies. he just wanted to inflict pain on people he imagined didn’t vote for him, because fuck you, that’s why.
Donny’s appalled staff had to literally draw him a picture that showed that Orange County had in fact more Republicans than Democrats among its residents.
But Harvey said Trump changed his mind after Harvey pulled voting results to show him that heavily damaged Orange County, California, had more Trump supporters than the entire state of Iowa.
how presidential.
so please, tell me one more time how Democrats trying to figure out what went wrong during a tragedy where over a hundred people diedare engaging in partisan finger-pointing. that’s such a cute story.
Ted Cruz — and every Republican whining about politicizing the Texas flooding — can shut the fuck up.
oh, by the way, get a load of this: do you know where Ted Cruz was when disaster struck in Texas? he was vacationing in Greece.
Cruz was spotted Saturday visiting the Parthenon in the Greek capital of Athens along with his wife Heidi and their kids, according to the online news site. Back in his home state, emergency personnel searched for missing children swept away in the floodwaters of the Guadalupe River.
to be fair, this is just bad timing.
unlike the Cancun episode, when Cruz fled the country after the power grid failed in Texas, Ted and his family were already out of town when the waters rose. that’s not his fault — but how does this guy manage to always be somewhere else when shit goes sideways?
doesn’t he have a job?
yesterday, Donny got to have a playdate with his despot bestie Netanyahu — and he got to bring his Emotional Support Dunk-Tank Clown with him.
let’s listen in as the Mad King once again tells the heartwarming story of how Iran was courteous enough to schedule their bombing of an American military base so that didn’t get in the way of Dear Leader’s golf game.
“and you know we were, at the end, missiles were shot, and every single missile was shot out of the air, it was pretty amazing. that was sort of the end. and they told us they were coming and where they were and what time they were coming. and they said ‘if you’d like to have a different time, we’ll do that.’ and that’s respect, when they do that, I believe. I appreciated that they did that.”
this is at least the fourth time that Donny has publicly told this shameful story of how he gave an adversary permission to bomb the shit out of us.
I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a president who, when asked if one o’clock was a good time to have our military base attacked with deadly force, answered how about never? would never be a good time for you?
but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s face? look at this half-assed job he’s done of tarting himself up. the makeup stops well before his hairline. he’s given himself raccoon eyes, and he didn’t even try to cover his chin.
Donny insists on doing his own makeup — but he’s deteriorated to the point where he routinely fucks it up, just like he routinely fucks everything up.
Donny’s quickly approaching Bette-Davis-in-Whatever-Happened-to-Baby-Jane territory —
and we’re all just expected to ignore the fact that the Emperor has no brain.
this really is the stupidest possible timeline.
so, Senate Republicans put on their usual dog-and-pony kabuki. they did that thing where they rend their garments, throw their arms up in despair, and wail ‘how can I in good conscience vote for this terrible bill? so conflicted! so conflicted!’
the media gobbles this Lucy-and-the-football shit right down. it makes for such great headlines. Republicans in disarray! legislation in jeopardy! will they actually defy the Mad King?
and then, when it comes time to vote, every almost single fucking Republican is a ‘yes.’
so now, the Big Beautiful Pile Of Shit goes back to the House, where we can watch the same pretend-garment-rending happen all over again.
three Republican senators actually had the bravery to vote against this economic abomination. Tom Tillis, Rand Paul, and — holy shit — Susan Collins! this time, Susan Collins didn’t susancollins. she actually stuck to her guns and voted against the bill she swore she wouldn’t vote for.
but you know who did just susancollins her way to infamy? Lisa Murkowski. you can drop blame for the bill’s passage right in Lisa’s lap. if she’d voted no — as she implied a thousand fucking times that she would — the bill would have gone down in defeat, 49-51.
Lisa Murskowski is so sad right now. she can’t understand why Lisa Murkowski didn’t prevent Lisa Murkowski from doing what she did.
“I know that in many parts of the country, there are Americans that are not going to be advantaged by this bill.”
“we do not have a perfect bill by any stretch of the imagination. my hope is that the House is going to look at this and recognize that we’re not there yet.”
fabulous. Lisa’s going to absolve herself of any culpability, and kick the can across the Capitol Building back into the well of the House. she’s going to hope Republican Reps bail her out.
oh, sure. because Madge Three-Toes and Handey Oakley and Holy Mike Johnson and the whole worthless lot of them can always be depended on to do the right thing.
thanks a fucking lot, Lisa. here’s a present from the American people.
who’s the biggest pantload in the Democratic Party right now? I’m thinking it might be this guy.
“NEWS: I just got the name struck off this bill with a move on the floor of the Senate. It is no longer named ‘One Big Beautiful Bill.’”
awesome work, honcho. that’ll solve everything. you have totally met the moment, Chuckers.
write yourself a strongly-worded letter.
in a world of Chuck Schumers, be a Jasmine Crockett.
I don’t really understand what it is that y’all plan to go back and tell your constituents. the reality is that you have sold your constituents out for 83 people in this country. how is it that you can explain that we still are running up the credit card and we have nothing to show for it except for the fact that we won’t have food on the tables and we won’t have health care?”
I’d love to predict the imminent demise of the Republican Party, because none of this shit is popular.
Harry Enten: “you don’t have to be a mathematical genius to know that these are horrible, horrible, horrible numbers. Washington Post, -19 points, Fox News -21 points … holy Toledo — you just never see numbers this poor … to quote Sir Charles Barkley, ‘terrible terrible terrible’ … it is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation that I have ever seen.”
and that clip is from from before the bill cleared the Senate. wait until the House passes this shitpile of a bill, Donny signs it into law, and Cletus finds out that Dear Leader lied to him about saving Medicaid — and now grandma has to come live with him because her health insurance went fuckity-bye, and the nursing home kicked her out onto the street.
you would hope that Republican voters will remember this all the way to Election Day next year. but the average MAGA is basically the guy from Memento, who literally can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, unless it’s tattooed onto him.
so it’s up to us to stay angry, and never let your drunk MAGA uncle at Thanksgiving forget how Dear Leader screwed him.
oh look, it’s just the worst people in the world, having the time of their lives at the Grand Opening of America’s newest concentration camp, Alligator Auschwitz.
yeah, that let’s trample all over basic human rights shit sure is fucking hilarious.
hey, you know who else laughed it up while doing war crimes? these jolly madcaps.
those are guards and office workers at the actual Auschwitz, kicking back during some downtime.
oh, huh.
folks, these are truly historic times we’re living in. it isn’t every day you get to watch an American president’s brain leak out of his ears in real-time.
reporter: “Mr. President, is there an expected timeframe detainees will spend here? days, weeks, months? and does that have anything to do with the immigration judges you just spoke about, being trained and staffed here?”
Donny: “what was the first part of your question?”
reporter: “is there a specific timeframe you expect the detainees to stay here? days, weeks, months?”
Donny: “in Florida?”
reporter: “yes.”
Donny: “I’m gonna spend a lot. look, this is my home state. I love it. I love your government. I love all the people around— these are all friends of mine. and they know I’m— very well. I’m not surprised that they do so well. they’re great— people. uh, Ron has been a friend of mine for a long time. I feel very comfortable in this state. I’ll spend a lot of time here.”
in the space of one second, Donny forgets what question he’s been asked, and starts improvising a nonsensical answer.
does Donny even know what planet he’s on right now? I’d love to see a reporter stand up and ask ‘Mr. President, what day of the week is it?’
hey, worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — any interest in reporting on the obvious deterioration of Mad King Donny Demento?
I thought so.
you know, there are a lot of things in this world that have never happened — but if you were to put together a list of all the things that never happened the most, the heartwarming tale we’re about to hear from Kristi Noem would def be in the top five.
“Joe Biden let the worst of the worst come in. they other day I was talking to some marshals who have been partnering with ICE. they said that they had detained a cannibal, and put him on a plane to take him home, and while they had him in his seat, he started to eat himself. and they had to get him off and get him medical attention.”
MY GOD, PEOPLE, THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS. THEY’RE EATING THE CATS. THEY’RE GNAWING ON THEIR OWN ARMS.
because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled “ICE detains cannibal” — just to double-check, because who knows? maybe this patently ridiculous allegation isn’t just some fever-swamp hallucination of Kristi’s. maybe it actually happened.
fact check: fuck off, puppy perforator.
every search result links back to yesterday’s press conference, and everyone is mocking Kristi for being a dumb-ass — with the exception of the wingnut media. they’re printing it as if it were God’s own truth.
check out the New York Post.
because of course they are. it’s good business. no one ever went broke underestimating the gullible stupidity of MAGA.
As I wrote a few weeks ago, a troublesome spot appeared on the back of my tongue one day and based on my history, my ENT decided a biopsy was in order. The biopsy was performed, and it came back as a malignant squamous cell carcinoma.
I met with him on Monday to discuss my options. I went through seven weeks of radiation therapy back in 2003 for my laryngeal cancer. This took care of that, and I’ve been cancer-free for the past twenty-two years. But the radiation took a huge toll (that actually didn’t start manifesting until about three years ago). Even with the hell I went through with those treatments, when my doc presented the options—surgery, radiation, chemo (or some combination of all three) and after he described the surgery (it’s horrific), I immediately zeroed in on the radiation again. Trouble is, I might not be able to have radiation again.
So as not to drag this thing out, after much reflection—and speaking to a dear friend who’s been a nurse since I was in high school who talked me off the ledge yesterday—surgery remains the best option. It’s not going to be fun by any means, but after speaking to the surgeon who’s going to be handling my tongue reconstruction after the tumor has been removed, I feel much better about the whole procedure. It’s a ten hour procedure. Afterward I’ll be in the ICU for three days, followed by another week or so in the hospital. I’ll have a feeding tube for some amount of time, and there will be weeks—or months—of speech and swallow therapy once I’m released. The doctor I spoke to today said everything should “mostly” be back to “normal” by the first of the year—although a complete recovery could take up to a year.
How am I dealing with this? Last night—prior to speaking to my friend—I was near tears. After speaking with her (who is dealing with a much more serious cancer herself but beating it into submission) I wrapped my head around the idea that this is just one. more. adventure. in this thing called life.
I have no doubt whatsoever that I will come out the other side cancer free; it’s just getting from here to there that’s probably going to test me in ways I can’t even begin to imagine. Or not. Maybe I’m stronger (as my friend insists) than I believe.
It will probably be another 5-6 weeks before this happens so I have plenty of time to mentally prepare. As Ben said, “It’s the unknown that’s the worst part.”
All I know is that—much like 22 years ago—I refuse to let a group of runaway cells the size of a pencil eraser dictate shit.
every Republican is giddy with glee today, because the President of the United States is coming to the Grand Opening of their latest exercise in abject cruelty: an actual concentration camp.
read that sentence again. then read it another hundred times, and ask yourself: what the fuck?
what the fuck is a question you’re going to be asking yourself a lot today, because just a few short years ago, none of this shit would have even been thinkable — and now, deliberate human rights abuses are official government policy.
what the fuck?
look, the visit is right there on Donny’s official schedule.
‘Alligator Alcatraz’ — isn’t that name totally adorbs? — is the brainchild of Florida Governor Ron DeSadist. he commandeered a decaying, abandoned airport in the middle of hot, humid, mosquito-, alligator- and python- infested South Florida swampland, hastily put up a few hundred tents, and declared that America’s newest concentration camp is open for business.
send us all those nannies and day laborers that ICE has been disappearing off the streets, and we’ll make sure their lives are as miserable as possible as they await being shipped off to who the fuck cares, just get them out of Dear Leader’s sight.
seriously, what the fuck?
you would hope that DeSantis would at least have the decency to be ashamed of what he’s doing, and pull all this shit under the cover of darkness. but nope, he’s super fucking proud of himself. last week, he gave a tour of the joint to Fox News.
“and then of course, you also have stuff for the staff here. so you’ve got laundry facilities, we’ve got showers, we’ve got— obviously, you see the shower and bath facilities.”
how awesome. the guards and staff get air conditioning, hot meals and bathrooms. the lucky inmates, however, are cordially invited to go fuck themselves. they get tents, on what used to be an airport tarmac, under the hundred-degree Florida summer sun.
what the fuck?
Ron put this whole thing together in a matter of days, so you know it’s going to be some shoddily-built piece of shit that’s going to be a nightmare to live in.
know where Ron got the $450 million to finance this abomination? from FEMA. think about that the next time a category-five hurricane devastates Florida and the government is all oh, so sorry, there’s no money to rebuild.
you’ll be shocked to learn that Donny has put his stamp of approval on this entire abomination.
“tomorrow, President Trump will travel to the great state of Florida, to attend the opening of a new illegal alien detention center located at Dade-Collier training and transition airport… the facility is in the heart of the Everglades, and will be informally known as ‘Alligator Alcatraz.’ there is only one road leading in, and the only way out is a one-way flight. it is isolated and surrounded by dangerous wildlife — an unforgiving terrain. the facility will have up to five thousand beds, house, process and deport criminal illegal aliens. this is an efficient and low cost way to help carry out the largest mass deportation campaign in American history.”
what kind of sick fuck brags about this shit?
the only way out is a one-way flight, because there’s no due process.congratulations, Stephen Miller is your judge, jury and executioner.
one minute you’re stocking the shelves of a Home Depot — and the next thing you know, ICE goons swoop in and rendition you off to Alligator Auschwitz. next stop, some hellhole slave-labor gulag in El Salvador. if you’re lucky.
what the fuck?
the entire wingnut noise machine thinks this is the funniest thing ever.
here’s a two-minute supercut, compiled by Decoding Fox News, showing Fox blatherheads joking about prisoners getting eaten by alligators, and other lovely sentiments.
yeah, that shit sure is fucking hilarious.
what the fuck?
but wait — the war crimes don’t end there. the Department of Homeland Security — those madcap funsters led by the woman who gets her kicks perforating puppies — is posting disgusting memes to Elon’s Nazi Bar.
your government tax dollars at work, folks.
what the fuck?
now, sit back and let your jaw drop as GOP depravity kicks its way through the bottom of the barrel and sets an all-new low.
“Grab our merch to support tough-on-crime borders!” the official X account of the Republican Party of Florida posted Friday morning. “Limited supply – get yours before the gators do!”
The official Florida GOP store sells $30 “Alligator Alcatraz” T-shirts, along with a $27 hat and a $15 set of beer koozies.
to anyone who would wear this shit, thank you for telegraphing to every decent human being that you fucking suck.
this is the point where I would usually go ‘you know who else used to sell merch, don’t you? of course you do,’ and then link to some Nazi-era atrocity.
but not today. I can’t do that — because not even the Nazis thought to sell Auschwitz t-shirts and beer koozies.
congratulations, you fuckheads, you’ve out-Nazied actual Nazis.
what the fuck? whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck?
by the way, the Nazis may have never worn Camp Auschwitz t-shirts, but you know who did? the January 6 insurrectionists.
awesome work, dipshits. you’ve really covered yourself in glory.
eventually, some poor soul is going to succumb to the hundred-degree heat at Alligator Auschwitz and drop dead. when it happens, don’t expect any soul-searching from the evil fuckwads who sent him there to die.
recently, a 75-year-old Cuban national who had been in the US for SIXTY YEARS was kidnapped by ICE, and died while in their custody — and border czar Tom Homan was all who gives a crusty shit.
reporter: “there are reports of a 75-year-old Cuban national who died in ICE custody. he had lived in the U.S. for 60 years. he was being held in ICE detention in Florida. is there anything you can tell us about that? there is still not a lot of information about how he died.”
Homan: “people die in ICE custody. people die in county jails. people die in state prisons.”
people die. oh, okay. thanks for explaining it, asshole.
what the fuck?
under what flat rock do the even find ghouls like Tom Homan?
Republicans sure are cavalier in their attitude when it comes to other people’s lives. here’s pig-castration aficionado Joni Ernst to remind us why everyone hates her.
“well, we all are going to die.”
thanks, Joni. you’re a huge fucking comfort.
oh look, Mad King Donny has found a odiferous new grift with which to separate the cultists from their money.
Trump fragrances are here. they make a great Christmas present. I’ve named them ‘FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT…’”
of course you have, you cheesy shit-peddler. my god, listen to this imbecile struggle to pronounce the words on the teleprompter right in front of him.
“…because they represent winning. we all want to be winning. we have to win as a nation. we want to win as a family.”
win as a family? what does that even mean? is MAGA competing with the family down the street to see who can stink the worst?
“this fragrance is all about strength and success and confidence for men and for women. get yourself a bottle and don’t forget to grab one for your loved ones, too. they’ll thank you and they’ll even smell good. enjoy, have fun, keep on winning and merry Christmas.”
merry Christmas to you too, you sundowning fool. does the Mad King not know that today is July first?
the price tag for this toilet water is two hundred and fifty fucking dollars.
what I want to know is this: why would anyone spend that kind of money to smell like Donny, when you can just shit yourself and roll around in hamburger grease for free?
While I never believed the shit, there is a faction in the UFO community who swears that there is a large contingent of shape-shifting and/or disguised aliens who walk among us…and they do not have our interests at heart. In fact, just the opposite. I know that what we’re witnessing not only in the United States, but across this entire fucking planet is quite capable of being accomplished by the most evil. socopathic members of humanity without any outside assistance. But it certainly seems to me like the goal of whoever is in charge is population control. Everything they’re doing is guaranteeing the suffering and death of millions of individuals here and abroad, and I have to ask to what end? Why? Am I overthinking this? Is cruelty simply the goal?
good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.
the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.
let us review the atrocities.
the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.
this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.
let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’
“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”
yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.
but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.
“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”
seriously?
presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.
did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?
At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”
Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.
but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.
twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?
this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.
Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”
trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.
“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”
that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.
come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.
Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”
Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”
look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.
these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.
meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.
no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.
wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.
Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.
US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.
but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.
“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”
oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.
I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.
I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.
the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.
nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.
we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?
Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.
but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.
“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.
Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.
Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”
fuck me, we’re doomed.
let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.
we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?
From Jeff Tiedrich:
imagine a United States president so callous that he tells America’s struggling small businesses to piss straight up a rope. imagine a president so out of touch that he tells Americans they’re greedy shitwads for wanting things.
now imagine a president so fucking ignorant that he has no clue if he’s supposed to uphold the Constitution or not.
actually, you don’t have to imagine any of that shit — because yesterday, Donny Convict sat down with NBC News’ Kristen Welker and actually blithered all those things.
here’s a fun passage from the Oath of Office that every incoming president swears to uphold. keep it in your mind, because there’s going to be a quiz later on.
“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”
got that? okay, here we go. now tell me if you think this is the most totally unhinged thing you’ve ever heard a president say.
Kristen Welker: “your secretary of state says everyone who’s here, citizens and non-citizens, deserve due process. do you agree?”
Donny: “I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know.”
Welker: “don’t you need to uphold the Constitution as president?”
Donny: “I don’t know.”
oh. my. god. — he. doesn’t. know.
folks, what did we just read in the Oath of Office, the one that Donny has now mumbled his way through twice?
SPOILER ALERT: YES YOUR LITERAL FUCKING JOB IS TO UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION, IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE OATH OF OFFICE YOU’VE TAKEN TWICE NOW. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A FUCKING WALL.
now here’s me, typing out that not-tweet.
magine if Joe Biden had said he “didn’t know” if he was supposed to uphold the Constitution. the entire Wingnut Outrage-Industrial Complex would have begun howling in unison about how Sleepy Joe had finally lost all his marbles and was unfit for office. MAGA would have rioted in the streets. Hannity would have shit hot roofing nails on live TV.
but Dear Leader professes blissful ignorance about his primary duty as president, and all we hear from Republicans is deafening sounds of crickets.
because it’s a cult.
now here’s the guy who shits into a golden toilet, taking you to task for wanting too many things.
Welker: “you were at your cabinet meeting, and you said — I’m going to quote you — ‘maybe the children will have two dolls instead of thirty dolls. and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.’ are you saying that your tariffs will cause some prices to go up?”
Donny: “no, I think tariffs are going to be great for us, because it’s gonna make us rich.”
Welker: “but you said some dolls are going to cost more, isn’t that an acknowledgement that some prices will go up?”
Donny: “I don’t think a beautiful baby girl that’s eleven years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have three dolls or four dolls … they don’t need to have 250 pencils. they can have five.”
ok, so the “beautiful baby girls” only get three or four dolls now — but what about the baby girls who aren’t beautiful? can we let the heinous ones grab a few extra dolls, as, y’know, sort of a consolation prize?
three or four dolls, and five pencils. in just four months we’ve gone from the world’s greatest economy to forced rationing, with Dear Leader making kingly pronouncements as to who deserves how much of what.
hey, how many shithole golf motels does each American get to own? because I’m thinking more than one is too many.
let’s take a wander down memory lane.
in 1977, a sweater-clad Jimmy Carter went on TV, and asked Americans to turn their thermostats down a couple of degrees — and the entire country lost its mind.
how dare this fuckface peanut farmer tell us that we can’t have everything? it’s our God-given right as Amurricans to consume as much as we want.
right now, there are MAGA morons who have rigged their trucks to belch out as much soot and thick grey exhaust fumes as possible. they call it “rolling coal.” why do they do this? because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells MAGA to conserve.
but mark my words: at the next family cookout, your drunk uncle — the one whose TV is permanently tuned to Fox News — is going to corner you, and tell you that your kid has too many pencils.
because it’s a fucking cult.
meanwhile, while you’re making do with your government-approved two dolls and five pencils, Donny’s planning to take forty-five million dollars and flush it straight down the shitter.
he’s spending it on a gaudy emotional support parade for his birthday — just like the kind they have in North Korea.
because America is now a third-world autocracy led by a fragile pit of need.
hey, instead of a parade, how about this draft-dodging coward lay wreaths on the graves of the five soldiers who took his place in Vietnam, and maybe mutter a few words of thanks to the quack doctor who ginned up that bullshit note about imaginary bone spurs that allowed Donny to get those five deferments. it’d be a lot cheaper, and we’ll even let him do a fucked-up graveside thumbs up.
Donny has a message for America’s small businesses, and that message is go fuck yourselves.
Welker: “are you considering tariff relief for small businesses?”
Donny: “why do you always mention that, you know — you pick up couple of little businesses. what about the car business? they’re going to make a fortune.”
yeah, commie. what about the giant corporations? what about the plutocrats?
I guarantee that right now, some MAGA dipshit with a persistent cough is driving a crappy car on crumbling roads past abandoned storefronts to a low-paying job and pumping his fist and going “hell yeah!” as he listens to some dime-store Rush Limbaugh knockoff explain that billionaires have been getting a raw deal in America, and Dear Leader is going to fix that.
because — say it with me — it’s a fucking cult.
I’m so old, I remember a woman who campaigned on the promise to help Americans start their own small businesses.
whatever happened to her? all I can recall is that she had a funny laugh and couldn’t prove she worked at McDonald’s, so I guess America was right to kick her to the curb.
the stupid. it just fucking burns.
Welker: “when does it become the Trump economy?”
Donny: “it partially is right now, and I really mean this. I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.”
I don’t know how Kristen Welker kept herself from blurting ‘what the fuck is wrong with you,’ throwing her notes to the floor, and walking out.
and finally, last night, aboard Fuckface Force One, on his way back from Motel-a-Lago, Donny held a press gaggle.
“all costs are down. everything is down, other than the uh thing you carry the babies around in.”
that thing you carry the babies around in — you know. that thing. what the fuck is it called? a shover? a pushinator?
could someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a pudding cup, and help him to bed?
oh yeah, this fucking country is in great hands.
Senator Chris Murphy asks us to post this statement to the public. Report from the Senate Floor: “Last night in the Senate, something really important happened. Republicans forced us to debate their billionaire bailout budget framework. We started voting at 6 PM because they knew doing it in the dark of night would minimize media coverage. And they do not want the American people to see how blatant their handover of our government to the billionaire class is.
So I want to explain what happened last night and what we did to fight back. The apex of Republicans’ plan to turn over our government to their wealthy cronies is a giant tax cut for billionaires and corporations. And they plan to pay for it with cuts to programs that working people rely on. Popular and necessary programs like Medicaid, Medicare, and SNAP, are all being targeted. In order to pass the tax cut, Republicans have to go through a series of procedural steps. Last night, they took the first step which requires them to pass an outline of their plan, but with it, any senator can offer as many amendments as we want. So my Democratic colleagues and I did just that.
Now, we knew that Republicans would largely unanimously oppose them, but we had two objectives here. One, Republicans were forced to put their opinion on record — many for the first time — on the most corrupt parts of Trump and Musk’s agenda. Two, as I’ve been saying, I am going to make every process and procedure as slow and painful as possible for as long as my colleagues choose to ignore the constitutional crisis happening before our eyes.
So what did we propose? We proposed no tax cuts for anyone who makes a billion dollars a year. We made them vote on whether or not Elon Musk and DOGE should have limitless access to Americans’ personal data. We made them vote on whether to protect IVF and require insurers to cover it. Every single amendment Democrats proposed was shot down. On almost every single amendment, Republicans universally opposed it. Every Republican voted against our proposal to prevent more tax cuts for billionaires. The corruption and theft is happening in the open here.
The whole game for Republicans is taking your money and giving it to the wealthiest corporations and billionaires — even if it means kicking your parents out of a nursing home or turning off Medicaid for the poorest children. They know what they are doing is deeply unpopular. They are offering a tax cut to the most wealthy that is 850 times larger than what they are offering working people. Oh and by the way, any tax cuts for working people are going to be washed out by higher costs for basic necessities, like health care and food. It’s a fundamental injustice.
Thanks to your pressure and support, many of my Democratic colleagues have joined my effort to do everything we can to make sure they cannot destroy democracy and steal your money in the dark of the night. We are being loud about what is happening. I’m going to continue to grind the gears of Congress down as much as possible to make it that much harder and slower to get away with this corruption. That’s why the votes lasted until nearly 5 AM.
This is a five-alarm fire. I don’t think we have two years to plan and fight back. I think we have months. It’s still in our power to stop the destruction of our democracy with mass mobilization and effective opposition from elected officials. So we can’t miss any opportunity to take advantage of opportunities to put Republicans on the record and shine a light on what is happening.
And you have a role to play in this as well. I need you to amplify what’s happening, support the leaders who are fighting for you to make sure they can continue speaking truth to power against Musk and Trump’s billionaire cronies, and show up at rallies and town halls. Use every tool at your disposal to send a message loud and clear about how you expect my colleagues to lead and fight in this moment.
Every best wish,
US Senator Chris Murphy
Trump: ‘I run the country and the world’
President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he’s leading “the country and the world.”
“The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys,” Trump said in the interview published Monday. “And the second time, I run the country and the world.”
But for some reason, when Felon45 does it…crickets from the Republicans.