Tots ‘n Pears, Chuck
“Leave Erika Alone!”
Tiedrich Monday
all of us, as children, were fed a lot of fairy tales. you know the kind: princesses in castles, dragons, big bad wolves, yadda yadda.
but I remember one particular fairy tale that got drummed into our heads over and over, and it went like this: ‘America’s system of government is the greatest ever invented.’
it’s such an adorable story, isn’t it? but answer me this: if that were actually true, then how were the stupidest fucking morons in the universe able to break it so easily?
oh look, Preznit Fuckwit has a new superpower: crime-ray vision.
reporter: “have you ever threatened DOJ leadership if they don’t prosecute Letitia James?”
Donny: “no. I don’t do that. I don’t do that. I mean, I look at the facts like everybody else. you read the facts, and to me she looks terrible, she looks like she’s very guilty. but that’s going to be up to the DOJ.”
that’s how Donny’s crime-ray vision works. he can just look at someone and know they’re guilty — and here’s who looks ‘very guilty’ to Donny: Letitia James.
what would you imagine was the one aspect of Letitia James that in Donny’s mind makes her ‘look guilty’? it’s pretty weird how almost all the people who ‘look guilty’ to Donny have the same thing in common.
now, for the other part of Donny’s mouth-fart, where he claims he hasn’t pressured Pam Bondi to go after his political enemies, and that it will be entirely the DOJ’s call.
fact check: oh please, just fuck straight off. we all saw what you posted to your janky app, Donny. look how it ends, with a demand that Bondi ‘serve justice.’
if Donny didn’t write that, I’d love to know who did.
hey, maybe it was his autopen. yeah, that’s it — it was Donny’s out-of-control autopen. let’s go with that.
after all, with Donny, every accusation is a confession. so if Donny is accusing Joe Biden’s autopen of committing every crime under the sun, then I’m absolutely willing to believe that Donny’s entire life is being run by some fucked-up autopen, and— [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being told that now, for the first time, we can reveal a photo of Donny’s autopen. here it is:
oh. well, that explains a lot.
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin’s has a superpower of his own: dumbfuck-ray vision.
Dana Bash: “he’s asking his attorney general in a public way to go after his political enemies. he’s very open about it. you’re okay with that?”
Mullin: “well, I think what we know is President Trump is very open and transparent with the American people, and he speaks his mind. that’s what his supporters love about him.”
you know, when MarkWayne Mullin goes on the Sunday shows, it’s as if all the stupid in that’s backed up in his head all week can’t wait to vomit itself out of his mouth. let’s call it projectile stupidity.
but here, in this one instance, Mullin is correct: Donny is in fact open and transparent. he lies in public. he crimes in public. he’s racist in public. all that shit is right out in the open, because fuck you, that’s why. being in-your-face horrific is Donny’s brand.
and yeah, MAGA does in fact gobble that shit right down. why? because Dear Leader has, by example, given the worst people in the world permission to be the worst versions of themselves.
which brings us to Laura Ingraham, because I’m pretty sure that the worst version of Laura is the only version there is.
“…including a Democrat congressional candidate who was thrown to the ground by an ICE agent. good work.”
nothing to see here, just some Fox News fuckhead gloating over a Democrat being assaulted by one of Donny’s masked thugs. this, during a week where Republicans went totally ape-shit over anyone who failed to be ‘respectful’ of the memory of Charlie Kirk.
so, I guess political violence is only bad when it’s directed at Republicans? silly me. do I even have to ask?
the less said about the Charliekirkpallooza in Arizona yesterday, the better — so I’m not going to talk about it at all, except to observe for the umpteenth time that Charlie Kirk did not deserve to be murdered. but at the same time, that didn’t make him a saint.
the one thing, however, that was too fucking surreal to ignore was President Worst Version’s entrance — with fireworks.
who does this? who considers this a dignified way take the stage during a memorial?
like everything else in this skeevy dipshit’s life, it’s gaudy, tasteless, crude — and entirely inappropriate.
and MAGA eats it right up — because it’s a fucking cult. the tackier Dear Leader is, the more they adore him. I swear, we’re living a real-life Idiocracy.
let’s just listen to a true American hero instead — Jasmine Crockett.
Dana Bash: “a resolution that came before the house this past week, honoring Charlie Kirk, and there were 58 Democrats who voted against it. you were one. why?”
Jasmine Crockett: “absolutely. you know what? one of the things I do want to point out that’s not been laid out, that honestly hurts my heart, is when I saw the ‘no’ votes, there were only two caucasians. for the most part, the only people who voted ‘no’ were people of color. because the rhetoric that Charlie Kirk continuously put out there, was rhetoric that specifically targeted people of color. and so it is unfortunate that even our colleagues cannot see how harmful his rhetoric was, specifically to us, and I can tell you that a month prior to him passing away, he had actually gotten out on his podcast — I wasn’t aware of this at the time — but he got out there and he was talking negatively specifically about me, directly. so if there was any way that I was going to honor somebody who decided that they were just going to negatively talk about me, and proclaim that I was somehow involved in the ‘great white replacement’? yea, I’m not honoring that kind of stuff, especially as a civil rights attorney, and understanding how I got to Congress, knowing that there were people that died, people that were willing to die, that worked to make sure that voices like mine could exist in this place … and it is unfortunate that more of my colleagues, on my side of the aisle, could not see the amount of harm that this man was attempting to inflict upon our communities.”
Rep. Crockett is right, and shame on every Democrat who allowed themselves to be peer-pressured into voting to honor a white supremacist.
it’s the start of a brand new week here, and maybe our country can finally get back to what’s important: release the full, unedited Epstein files, you fucking fucks.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
I’m Still Waiting For Him To Rise From The Dead
I guess the best CK—just like the man MAGA is comparing him to—can do is appear on a slice of toast.
GO SCREW YOURSELF
From Palmer Report:
Charlie Kirk was a right wing extremist who spent years putting the safety of America’s most vulnerable groups at risk by targeting them with hate speech. He was murdered by another right wing extremist, who will now face due process. Other than universally agreeing that murder is always wrong, and perhaps pointing out that proper gun control laws might have saved Charlie’s life, that should be the end of the story. And by the time the midterms come around, this won’t still be a story – at least not one that will impact any votes. But for right now, it is indeed still a story, for the most deranged of reasons.
I can honestly say that I’m not glad Charlie Kirk is dead. But according to the Vice President of the United States, if you are glad that Charlie is dead and you dare to say so, you should lose your job. In fact that Vice President of the United States is encouraging people, in exact words, to spy on your social media and report you to your employer if you dare say that you’re glad Charlie is dead.
This is objectively insane. And profoundly un-American. The Vice President of the United States is actively trying to get people fired from their private sector jobs based on their social media posts? Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences. But that’s between you and your employer – not the federal government.
Right wingers have always had this insane logic where literally anything that happens – even a right winger murdering another right winger – it’s somehow the fault of the liberals. They’ll rationalize it in nonsensical ways. They’ll make up false information about the circumstances and then cling to it so tightly that they end up believing it. They aren’t psychologically able to accept the fact that political violence is inherently a right wing trait, and so they just make things up in a way that allows them to pretend that it was the fault of the liberals. And then right wingers wonder why the rest of us consider them to be mentally ill.
But that’s the right wing loony bin. Those are the deranged types that used to be shunned by normal conservatives, the ones who are simply selfish enough to want the government to stack the societal deck in their favor. The Republican Party has been evil for longer than I’ve been alive. But it didn’t used to be psychotically evil enough to use something like the murder of a right winger by a right winger as an excuse to outright persecute liberals.
Of course persecution of liberals for being liberal was precisely what the Republican Party stood for back in the fifties, in the age of McCarthyism. But even then it was just one deranged Republican Senator, and a party too amoral to get rid of him.
This time around it’s the Vice President of the United States – a guy who could become President of the United States any day now based on the current President’s visibly collapsing health – who is trying to blacklist liberals. Here’s my response to Donald Trump, JD Vance, and the rest of this evil regime: go screw yourselves. Let’s all take this fascist evil that’s on display and use it as motivation to work hard and win the midterms by such a big margin that they can’t rig it. The midterms start now. Let’s get in that mindset now.
Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
here’s an awesome true story from American history.
on December 1, 1863, Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, granting freedom to all enslaved black people in the Confederate states.
now, I hear you asking, hey Uncle Jeff, did the citizens of Texas go ‘I guesswe should tell the people we’ve been enslaving that they’re now free’? hell no, they did not. this is Texas we’re talking about. they were all ‘fuck that guy. Lincoln can eat an entire bag of dicks if he thinks we’re giving up that sweet, sweet free labor.’
fast forward to two-and-a-half years later — June 19th, 1865 — when Union Major General Gordon Granger rode into Galveston, Texas, pulled out his gun, and declared ‘this shit ends now.’
and so the white folks of Texas were finally forced to be all ‘oh hey, black people, you’ll never guess what happened.’
in 2021, Juneteenth became a federal holiday. Republicans hate Juneteenth, because it was signed into law by Joe Biden — and everything Sleepy Brandon does is automatically bad. so it was only natural that yesterday, racists in America continued their multi-hundred-year unbroken streak of being shitty to black people.
let’s start right at the top, with the Bigot-in-Chief — because let’s face it: everyone was just waiting for him to do a racism.
it was like that Simpsons meme come to life, if you replace ‘stupid’ with ‘racist’
even the White House press corps were all c’mon, Karoline, throw us a bone. we know he’s gonna do it. just tell us when.
reporter: “it’s Juneteenth. does the president plan to commemorate the holiday at all or make any comment?”
Leavitt: “I’m not tracking his signature on a proclamation today. I know this is a federal holiday, I want to thank all of you for showing up to work. we are certainly here. we are working 24/7 right now.”
second reporter: “will he mark Juneteenth in any way, today, or with an event later on?”
Leavitt: “I just answered that question for you.”
take note of how Ms. Lie-vitt phrased her evasive non-answer. ‘I want to thank all of you for showing up to work (unlike all those lazy black people who stayed home).’
that’s gonna be a recurring theme, because when Donny — after somehow managing to remain quiet for most of the day — finally farted out a post, he picked up Karoline’s ball and ran with it.
“Too many non-working holidays in America. It is costing our Country $BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to keep all of these businesses closed. The workers don’t want it either! Soon we’ll end up having a holiday for every once working day of the year. It must change if we are going to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
awesome. this guy — President Golfcart McChucklefuck — thinks we have too many holidays.
hey, let’s check President Golfcart’s official schedule for today.
oh look, Mister Too Many Holidays is ditching work again so he can fuck off at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery.
I guess it’s just a coincidence that Donny chose Juneteenth as the day to whine about why do we have so many days off.
here’s how Vice President Couchfuck McGee commemorated the occasion: by being both racist and deeply offensive.
(actually, this interview is from earlier this week, but hey, close enough.)
podcaster Theo Von: “I’ll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay.”
JD Vance: [bursts out laughing]
Von: “I’ve heard it from four people.”
JD Vance: “[continues to laugh] where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay? you must hang out in more interesting places than I do.”
Von: “that’s why he wanted to free all those men, ’cause he was having trouble meeting anybody.”
Vance: “[laughs] we’re going to talk to the Smithsonian about putting up an exhibit on that, and Theo Von, you can be the narrator for this new [laughs] understanding of the history of Frederick Douglass.”
Von: “but when you think about it, though — he seemed awfully interested in gettin’ them fellas off work early.”
just a couple of vile fuckwads, sittin’ around and talkin’.
no biggie, am I right? it’s just the Vice President of the United States, lauging it up as some podcast yutz describes the emancipation of the enslaved as ‘getting off work early’ so that Frederick Douglass can meet someone. JD Vance laughs it up, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and suggests the Smithsonian should have an exhibit about it. what the actual fuck?
look how comfortable Couchfuck is, talking to this bigoted bozo. this is clearly his kind of guy.
this is a jerk who, if you put him in a donut shop, can’t fake a human response to save his life. he’s all HELLO, FELLOW PERSON. HA HA. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SELLING DONUTS? HA HA. THAT’S GREAT.
but stick him in a room with a racist, and suddenly he’s Mister Personality.
now let’s check in with the Fox News dunk-tank clown. oh look, Piss Drunk Pete’s official response to Juneteenth is to stick his fingers in his ears and go LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. he’s just going to pretend it isn’t happening.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s office requested “a passive approach to Juneteenth messaging” for the holiday on Thursday commemorating the end of slavery, according to an email obtained by Rolling Stone. The news was relayed by the Pentagon’s Office of the Chief of Public Affairs, which said it wasn’t planning to publish Juneteenth-related content online.
do you think ‘pretend it’s not happening’ is what SecDef Kegstand said to all the woman he ahem allegedly assaulted?
now let’s watch as the Libertarian Party lengthens their 54-year-long unbroken streak of complete irrelevance.
“Juneteenth is egalitarianism and communism. We will interpret anyone who positively celebrates Juneteenth holiday as admitting to being a communist (egalitarian).”
do words even have meanings any more?
I googled egalitarianism just to make sure I had the definition right.
“the doctrine that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.”
wait — isn’t ‘all people are equal’ one of the founding principles of the United States? so how the fuck is that communism?
let’s not even bother trying to figure that one out. let’s just move on to misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. he’s been whining about why do those people get a holiday for years.
“You should be working today. Not taking today off for a CRT-inspired federal holiday that competes with July 4th.”
this is a common moan about Juneteenth from the worst fucking people on the planet — that it somehow ‘competes’ with July 4.
how?
is there seriously anyone biting into a burger or watching fireworks on July 4, and going oh come on, we just did this two weeks ago. what’s even the point?
if there is, I want to meet this person so I can smack them on their dumb-ass what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you face.
this year, Gnomey Chuck’s outdone himself. not content to just bellyache about when do white people get a day, he’s decided to compose some incomprehensible screed-length gobbledygook that supposedly proves that Junteenth somehow ‘displaces’ July 4th. or something like that. who on earth has the time — or desire — to parse this twaddle?
Christ on a crispy cornflake, that’s a lot of words just to say ‘I’m a racist.’
here’s how a real president commemorates Juneteenth.
Joe Biden gave a speech last night at the African Methodist Episcopal Church in Galveston, Texas.
oe doesn’t have his own vulgar flying bordello to jet around in, so he flew commercial, and posed for selfies with his fellow passengers.
don’t you miss having a human being for president?
here are your heroes of the day: CNN’s Kaitlin Collins and — holy shit! — The New York Times.
after it was announced that Donny would decide ‘in two weeks’ whether or not to attack Iran, Collins mocked the shit out of that ludicrous claim by putting together a two-and-a-half minute long supercut of all the times Donny’s used ‘two weeks’ as a dodge to cover up the fact that he never has any plan at all.
the ‘two weeks’ claim is so worn-out and laughable by now that even The New York Times couldn’t avoid committing a journalism.
Two weeks for Mr. Trump can mean something, or nothing at all. It is both a yes and a no. It is delaying while at the same time scheduling. It is not an objective unit of time, it is a subjective unit of time. It is completely divorced from any sense of chronology. It simply means later. But later can also mean never. Sometimes.
Donny is in way over his head, has no fucking clue what he’s doing, and has been using ‘two weeks’ for literal years as a handy way to change the subjuct to anything else. it’s nice to see that the press might finally be growing weary of being treated like annoying children who ask too many questions.
more like this, please, journalists.