Category: Fuck Christians and Their Faux Outrage

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Saturday Madness

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: what exactly are we grasping at here

guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.

Fox News fuckface: "Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all."

Rep. Tim Burchett: "I don't drink out of a straw, brother. that's what the women in my house do."

honchos, take it from Tim: don't be a girlywuss. don't daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that's what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.

seriously, Timmy? is this you?

Tim, is this Jesse Watters?

 

is this Dear Leader?

look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called 'real men' don't worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?

tuesday: mmm, conspiracies

no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict's presidency?

Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it's a deep state plot.

"what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they're satanists — this isn't what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it's just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that's what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like 'oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,' it's like no, actually that's part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance."

Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?

busted!

wednesday: mmm, stupidity

now, let's listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo's empty head

"should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it's not windy? what if it's not sunny?"

folks, let's review: what does the stupid do?

you really have to admire MAGA's commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn't understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.

how is it not a cult?

all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?

they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.

here's how Donny 'thanked' them for their six- to seven-figure 'investment' into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny's Virginia golf motel.

"It was the worst food I've ever had at a Trump golf course," Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump's coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a "Walmart steak." Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.

so sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.

here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.

NEW: Two attendees of Trump's crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.'s goal to become the global leader in crypto. "He just gave a few remarks and left," one said.

so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I'm conflicted.

get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.

Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I'm really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.

on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.

"I'm a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I'm a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I'm a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children."

yeah, we get it, dimwit. you're amazing.

in case you've quit Elon's Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let's catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter's AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky's post.

"Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric."

because there's nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.

"the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda."

Marge, Grok can't hear you. it's not real. it's a bunch of silicon chips.

I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.

stop fucking with us, Marge, and we'll stop fucking with you.

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The Week In STOOPID

From Jeff Tiedrich:

As another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at some of the highlights.

monday: who would Jesus infect

it's been a hot minute, so let's check in on America's new christofascist overlords. here's newly-elected Indiana Attorney General Todd Rokita.

"with your help, together, we will make Indiana a truly free state … where we can raise our children as God intended, without interference by woke schools, doctors or courts … where we are no longer vaxxed or masked."

sure, absolutely. it's a well-known fact that Jesus was all about spreading preventable diseases. it's right there in the Sermon on the Mount: blessed are the science-deniers, for they will choke to death on their own infectious mucus.

I'm no scholar, but I'm pretty sure that there's nothing in the Bible about vaccinations — but as long as we're going to adhere to "God's intentions," here's one he's pretty specific about.

if you wear linen and wool at the same time, you should be fucking slaughtered.

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

that's good old Leviticus 19:19. now here's Leviticus 19:27.

Ye shall not round off the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

what do you have to say for yourself, Todd, you infidel? because it looks to me like you're definitely marring the corners of thy beard.

that's what I love about these cristofascist hypocrites. they cherry-pick the Bible to prove whatever oppressive notion they want to inflict on the rest of us — but when it comes to actually adhering to the laws that are right there in the Bible, it's fucking crickets.

tuesday: hly fcking sht, lern hw to fcking spel

Tuesday was Pete Hegseth's confirmation hearing, and Senate Republicans brought all the props out in support of his candidacy — because nothing says I'm a serious legislator whose issues should be taken seriously more than misspelling the word military.

in their own defense, Senate Republicans had been out all night getting hammered with Piss-Drunk Pete, and were too hung over the next morning to notice.

wednesday: I download Supreme Court decisions for the idiocy

during oral arguments regarding a Texas law requiring age verification in order to access porn sites, Fishin' Trip Sammy Alito raised a cogent question.

"Justice Alito is asking if websites like Pornhub have 'essays, modern day Gore Vidal, stuff like that' like the old Playboy."

um, who wants to tell him?

I suppose on the one hand, it's admirable that Steal Stoppin' Sammy should be so ignorant of the online porn experience that he'd ask such a ludicrous question — but on the other hand: why the fuck are ancient white men allowed to rule on technologies they're too out-of-touch to understand?

remember the old "the internet is a series of tubes" meme? here's where it came from: an old white man who had no clue what he was gibbering about.

back in 2006, Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was railing against streaming services. he wanted to shut them down. he was convinced they were going to break the internet — because, as he explained it, the internet is "a series of tubes." here is exactly what Senator Stevens said.

"And again, the Internet is not something that you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of tubes. And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and it's going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material."

these people should not be setting policy affecting millions of Americans. they should be enjoying a nice, hot cup of shut the fuck up in a managed care facility.

oh, and for the record, "I download porn for the articles" is a joke I made twelve years ago.

you're welcome.

thursday: mirth of an abomination

oh frabjous day, the toxic incels are at it again.

pro tip: posting shit like this is proof you've failed as a human being.

also, can you fucking idiots get your stories straight?

just two weeks ago, the Space Nazi was extolling the virtues of c-sections — promising that if women would opt out of giving birth the old-fashioned way, all of us could have brains as big as his.

"There are certainly other factors at play, but heavy use of c-sections allows for a larger brain, as brain size has historically been limited by birth canal diameter."

so which is it, incels?

friday: stand back, Rand Paul's about to say something stupid

while writing these daily posts, there's a line find myself I using over and over: "it's so easy to solve all the world's problems when you have no fucking clue what you're talking about." the reason I keep repeating it, is because Republicans keep proving it's true.

here's failed wig model Rand Paul, explaining how he knows more about water management than all the water managers.

"I see these homes burning and I'm like wow, if they just had a generator and a hose, you start sucking the water out of the The Pacific Ocean. but you can do more than that. you can pump it and put it in cisterns up in the hills a mile or two in. why don't they take the ocean water and put it in cisterns have a bunch of water ready when a wildfire shows up? once again, bad local government."

hey everybody, Rand Paul just invented reservoirs. that's some Nobel Prizewinning stuff right there.

this fucking arrogant asshole, lecturing Los Angeles on why don't you just have reservoirs?

you nincompoop, Los Angeles has reservoirs. plenty of them. and they were all full when the fires started. that's not the issue. Rand Paul is conveniently forgetting about the part where LA was dealing with literal hurricanes made out of fire that were too massive and fast-moving to control or contain — by any fire department, anywhere.

talking out of your ass from the floor of the Senate is easy. actually dealing with problems is hard — and Republicans are proving it every day.

saturday: ?

hey, it's still morning as I sit here writing this. but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

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Never mind that the Olympics display was not The Last Supper…actual drag queens have parodied the fucking holy relic several times and not ONCE did it turn into a pearl-clutching, panty-twisting international incident!