when the sentient cockroaches who inherit the Earth from us try to figure out how it all became a smoking, radioactive ruin, they’re not going to believe the truth: that a vindictive, score-settling psychopath went postal because his handlers hustled him out of the G7 before he could power-load his diaper and use it to paint the walls — and because the dumbfuck Fox News dunk-tank clown he made SecDef couldn’t military-parade his way out of a paper bag.
yesterday, while Macron, Meloni, Carney & Co. were gee-sevenning it up in Canada, Mad King Donny was seething in the White House. his handlers may have hidden Donny away from the cameras, but they stupidly forgot to hide his phone — and they should have, because—
hang on, I think we’re getting a Royal Dispatch from His Highness right now. let’s check it out.
We now have complete and total control of the skies over Iran. Iran had good sky trackers and other defensive equipment, and plenty of it, but it doesn’t compare to American made, conceived, and manufactured ‘stuff.’ Nobody does it better than the good ol’ USA.”
ohhh-kay. good to know, bro. thanks for checking in with us. we’re going to get back our— oh wait, you’ve got another Kingly Pronouncement? lay it on us.
We know exactly where the so-called “Supreme Leader” is hiding. He is an easy target, but is safe there – We are not going to take him out (kill!), at least not for now. But we don’t want missiles shot at civilians, or American soldiers. Our patience is wearing thin. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
for fuck’s sake, “thank you for your attention to this matter” is how you close a disgruntled email to your town board because that pothole in front of your house isn’t being fixed fast enough.
it’s not how you close a social media post where you threaten the life of the leader of Iran.
none of this is normal — yet we’re all so far down the rabbit hole with this deranged psychopath that the press barely takes notice.
but wait — the rabbit hole goes even deeper, and now we’re so far down it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — is the lone voice of sanity among Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns.
Kaitlin Collins: “you always said that you don’t believe the Iran should be able to have a nuclear weapon. but how close do you think they were go getting one? because Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”
Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”
how lovely, Donny doesn’t care what Tulsi Gabbard said. Donny knows what he knows — and goddammit, he’s not going to let his own Director of National Intelligence change his mind.
put yourself in Donny’s place. if you were president, who would you listen to: the woman whose job is to know everything that’s going on in the world, or the barking noises inside your own head?
for Donny, hands-down it’s the barking noises. because Dear Leader is desperate for a win right now. everything’s turned to shit. no one takes his tariff pronouncements seriously any more. everyone laughing at Taco Donny. that ahem alleged drunk fuck at the Pentagon totally botched what was supposed to be a glorious military parade.
and don’t get Donny started on those smug G7 shitheads, rolling their eyes and making fun of him behind his back.
and then, the ultimate indignity — his handlers hustling him back to DC in the middle of the night, because they were afraid he’d completely lose it in public.
so what if Donny fell asleep again, right in the middle of a G7 meeting? so what if everyone was staring at him in disbelief? those people are boring, anyway. all they do is yap yap yap yap.
Donny’s going to show them all. he’s going to throw in his lot with that other bloodthirsty butcher, Netanyahu, and rattle swords and make threats — and if it leads to American bombs dropping in the Middle East, all the better. because fuck you, that’s why.
nobody sidelines Donny.
hang on, I think Dear Leader has another kingly dispatch —
“It is my Great Honor to announce that I will be putting up two beautiful Flag Poles on both sides of the White House, North and South Lawns. It is a GIFT from me of something which was always missing from this magnificent place. The digging and placement of the poles will begin at 7:30 A.M. EST, tomorrow morning. Flags will be raised at approximately 11 A.M. EST. These are the most magnificent poles made – They are tall, tapered, rust proof, rope inside the pole, and of the highest quality. Hopefully, they will proudly stand at both sides of the White House for many years to come!”
FLAGPOLES???? this insane fuck is posting about flagpoles?
bro, you just put the entire world on high alert. we’re all just sitting here, chewing our fingernails and wondering when the missiles are going to start flying, and now you’re blithering a mile a minute about ‘magnificent,’ ‘high-quality’ flagpoles?
look at this crazypants shit. he’s personally directing where the holes are to be dug. this is primo fucking lunacy.
Donny is morally unwell, mentally unwell — and clearly physically unwell. he’s a mess. what is going on with his face? what the fuck is going on with his hand?
that’s a photo of Donny at the G7. his right hand is swollen and bruised. what are Donny’s handlers not telling us about this deteriorating old shitnozzle?
thank you for your attention to this matter, handlers.
wait, what’s that, Donny? you have one more thing to get off your chest?
oh great, the Mad King is awake at 1:35am and hallucinating about imaginary poll numbers.
maybe we should just let the sentient cockroaches take over.
thank you for your attention to this matter, roaches.
let’s watch as the frozen fish-stick heir goads the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun into completely losing his shit.
Tucker Carlson: “how many people live in Iran by the way?”
Ted Cruz: “I don’t know the population.”
Carlson: “at all?”
Cruz: “no, I don’t know the population”
Carlson: “you don’t know the population of the country you seek to topple?”
Cruz: “how many people are living there?”
Carlson: “92 million.… How could you not know that?”
Cruz: “I don’t sit around memorizing population tables.”
Carlson: “Well, it’s kind of relevant because you’re calling for the overthrow of the government.”
the whole thing devolves from there.
now, let’s be clear about what’s going on here. Tuckums is being a bully, and using a technique that gun nuts, toxic male influencers, religious wackos and conservatives in general, use to ‘win’ debates: they harangue their opponents, and declare their opinions invalid if they can’t correctly answer questions about minutiae — and Fidel Cruz falls right into Tuck’s trap.
but still — isn’t it fun to watch two hateful assholes exasperate the shit out of each other?
we’re all in bad need of a hero right now, so let’s listen in as a CSPAN caller rips Jake Tapper — who is apparently still making the rounds and hawking his failed shithole book — any number of new ones.
“right now I really don’t like you. I think you’re doing a disservice to Joe, and also to the American people. when are you going to examine what is going on with Trump? Joe Biden conducted himself for four years, taking care of the United States. he took meetings, he went overseas, he negotiated with other leaders. this president has been pure chaos, which indicates to me that there is something wrong with him. we will never get a straight answer on his medical exam, what medication he is on, and yet you have gone after Joe Biden with a vengeance. I’m very disappointed in you. I enjoyed watching your show, but not any more. and I think right now, that you ought to start writing another book, examining Trump, and how erratic he is, and what he is doing.”
thank you for your attention to this matter, Jake.
