Category: Fuck JD Vance

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Sunday Tiedrich

everything fucking sucks right now, so let’s just take a moment to savor JD Vance getting the shit booed out of him at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Italy.

announcer: “there’s the vice president, JD Vance and his wife Usha— oops, those are not— uh, those are a lot of boos for him.”

we all saw this coming. imagine being so universally loathed that the International Olympic Committee has to beg everyone not to heckle you.

The International Olympic Committee was forced to ask fans not to boo the U.S. delegation led by Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio during Friday’s opening ceremony for the Milano Cortina Winter Games.

is it any wonder that Mr. Heartbeat Away gets booed everywhere he goes? he pretty much goes out of his way to be as unpleasant as possible. look at the embarrassing spectacle Couchfuck creates as he leaves the Milan Prefecture after meeting with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni.

forty — forty! — armored vehicles completely clog the narrow streets of Milan, bringing everyday life to a standstill.

it takes an entire four and a half minutes for every one of JD’s vehicles to clear the building and clownfuck their way into local traffic.

Vance treats the streets of Milan the same way he treats a couch. he’s just going to ram it in there — and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s just too damned bad.

it’s all so unnecessary — because watch what happens once all that bullshit runs its course: out comes Lauren Ware, the wife of US Ambassador Tillman Fertitta — on foot. no pomp, no circumstance, and no dumbfuck motorcade.

one person with a small security team — as happens when you’re not such a ginormous piece of shit that everyone can’t wait to heckle you.

because Lauren Ware doesn’t make a point of being an asshole, she can wander wherever she wants — while JD Vance can’t even walk through Union Station in Washington DC without people screaming ‘GO FUCK A COUCH’ at him. remember this, from last August?

“oh look, it’s Couchfucker. you gonna fuck a couch, buddy? GO FUCK A COUCH, JD VANCE, GO FUCK A COUCH!”

JD’s motorcade was so disruptive that he almost fucked up the American figure skating team’s chances of competing.

MILAN — The start of the women’s short program at the Olympic figure skating team event was drawing close Friday afternoon, but American star Alysa Liu couldn’t get to the Milano Skating Arena. She and her coach and choreographer were stuck on an official Olympic bus, blocked from the arena parking lot by the motorcade of Vice President JD Vance, who attended the team event. “We almost didn’t make it,” Liu’s coach, Phillip DiGuglielmo, later said.

ace job, you dumb-ass.

imagine training for years to compete in the Olympics — and almost missing your one shot at glory because some furniture-fucking asshole is on an ego trip.

could someone please remind JD that his job is to stand over there and wave a flag and clap for our Olympians, and not be the constant chaotic center of attention?

for fuck’s sake, he even brought his own food with him. who does that?

A cargo plane transported food from the United States for the delegation, while two other planes brought armored vehicles to be used during official movements.

come on — Couchfuck is in Milan — one of Europe’s greatest cultural centers. shouldn’t he be taking advance of the experience? I sure as shit would. what’s the issue, JD — are there no doughnut shops in Milan?

let’s find out. because I’m a responsible journalist and everything, I googled ‘doughnut shops in Milan’ — and guess what:

so what was JD’s problem? how hard would it have been for him to learn enough of the native language to say ‘how long have you been selling doughnuts? HA HA! that’s great’?

look, JD — I’ve done all the hard work for you, via Google Translate.

‘da quanto tempo vendi ciambelle? AH AH, fantastico.’

you’re welcome, bro. it’s called being a responsible journalist.

thanks to Donny and his henchmen, the whole world hates us now. we’re the playground bullies of the planet, kidnapping a leader here, threatening to invade there, and just plain tariffing everywhere.

or, like Couchfuck McGee in Milan, we’re just creating ego-driven chaos for chaos’ sake — because fuck you, that’s why. none of these shitwits are big on consent.

it’s all so fucking embarrassing.

President Donald Trump’s team offered to unfreeze federal funding for the paused Gateway tunnel project if Democrats in Congress agree to rename Penn Station and Washington Dulles International Airport after him, according to someone with direct knowledge of the negotiations.

only weak and fragile fuckwits need this kind of constant affirmation.

if Donny is that horny to have his name on something, might I suggest the Donald J. Trump Federal Correctional Institution?

let’s guess who could be its very first inmate.

and now for your heroes of the day: the voters of Louisiana’s 60th district, where Democrats flipped a State House seat in a deeply red state.

Louisiana Democrat Chasity Verret Martinez defeated her Republican opponent by double digits in the special election Saturday night for a state House seat in a district President Trump won by 13 points in 2024.

Martinez won 62% of the vote compared to 38% for her Republican opponent, Brad Daigle, according to unofficial results from the Louisiana Secretary of State.

in 2024, Donny won this district by 13 points. just fifteen months later, Democrat Chasity Martinez’s crushed her Republican opponent by double digits — a 37-point swing from red to blue.

in special election after special election, Democrats keep prevailing by significant margins. that’s how fucking radioactive Donny and his fascist policies have become.

there’s a blue wave a-comin’.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Vomiting It All Up

Sorry…I’m cleaning out my downloads folder today.

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GO SCREW YOURSELF

From Palmer Report:

Charlie Kirk was a right wing extremist who spent years putting the safety of America’s most vulnerable groups at risk by targeting them with hate speech. He was murdered by another right wing extremist, who will now face due process. Other than universally agreeing that murder is always wrong, and perhaps pointing out that proper gun control laws might have saved Charlie’s life, that should be the end of the story. And by the time the midterms come around, this won’t still be a story – at least not one that will impact any votes. But for right now, it is indeed still a story, for the most deranged of reasons.

I can honestly say that I’m not glad Charlie Kirk is dead. But according to the Vice President of the United States, if you are glad that Charlie is dead and you dare to say so, you should lose your job. In fact that Vice President of the United States is encouraging people, in exact words, to spy on your social media and report you to your employer if you dare say that you’re glad Charlie is dead.

This is objectively insane. And profoundly un-American. The Vice President of the United States is actively trying to get people fired from their private sector jobs based on their social media posts? Freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences. But that’s between you and your employer – not the federal government.

Right wingers have always had this insane logic where literally anything that happens – even a right winger murdering another right winger – it’s somehow the fault of the liberals. They’ll rationalize it in nonsensical ways. They’ll make up false information about the circumstances and then cling to it so tightly that they end up believing it. They aren’t psychologically able to accept the fact that political violence is inherently a right wing trait, and so they just make things up in a way that allows them to pretend that it was the fault of the liberals. And then right wingers wonder why the rest of us consider them to be mentally ill.

But that’s the right wing loony bin. Those are the deranged types that used to be shunned by normal conservatives, the ones who are simply selfish enough to want the government to stack the societal deck in their favor. The Republican Party has been evil for longer than I’ve been alive. But it didn’t used to be psychotically evil enough to use something like the murder of a right winger by a right winger as an excuse to outright persecute liberals.

Of course persecution of liberals for being liberal was precisely what the Republican Party stood for back in the fifties, in the age of McCarthyism. But even then it was just one deranged Republican Senator, and a party too amoral to get rid of him.

This time around it’s the Vice President of the United States – a guy who could become President of the United States any day now based on the current President’s visibly collapsing health – who is trying to blacklist liberals. Here’s my response to Donald Trump, JD Vance, and the rest of this evil regime: go screw yourselves. Let’s all take this fascist evil that’s on display and use it as motivation to work hard and win the midterms by such a big margin that they can’t rig it. The midterms start now. Let’s get in that mindset now.

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.

the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.

let us review the atrocities.

the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.

this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.

let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’

“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”

yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.

but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.

“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”

seriously?

presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.

did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?

I shit you not.

At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”

Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.

but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.

twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?

this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.

Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”

trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.

but now, even Massie is happily chowing down on the trust Dear Leadershitwich.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58

“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”

that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.

come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.

Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.

these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.

meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.

no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.

wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.

Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.

US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.

but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.

oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?

“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”

oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.

I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.

I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.

the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.

nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.

we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?

Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.

but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.

“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.

Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.

Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”

fuck me, we’re doomed.

let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.

we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?

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Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

 

here’s an awesome true story from American history.

on December 1, 1863, Abe Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, granting freedom to all enslaved black people in the Confederate states.

now, I hear you asking, hey Uncle Jeff, did the citizens of Texas go ‘I guesswe should tell the people we’ve been enslaving that they’re now free’? hell no, they did not. this is Texas we’re talking about. they were all ‘fuck that guy. Lincoln can eat an entire bag of dicks if he thinks we’re giving up that sweet, sweet free labor.’

fast forward to two-and-a-half years later — June 19th, 1865 — when Union Major General Gordon Granger rode into Galveston, Texas, pulled out his gun, and declared ‘this shit ends now.’

and so the white folks of Texas were finally forced to be all ‘oh hey, black people, you’ll never guess what happened.’

in 2021, Juneteenth became a federal holiday. Republicans hate Juneteenth, because it was signed into law by Joe Biden — and everything Sleepy Brandon does is automatically bad. so it was only natural that yesterday, racists in America continued their multi-hundred-year unbroken streak of being shitty to black people.

let’s start right at the top, with the Bigot-in-Chief — because let’s face it: everyone was just waiting for him to do a racism.

it was like that Simpsons meme come to life, if you replace ‘stupid’ with ‘racist’

even the White House press corps were all c’mon, Karoline, throw us a bone. we know he’s gonna do it. just tell us when.

reporter: “it’s Juneteenth. does the president plan to commemorate the holiday at all or make any comment?”
Leavitt: “I’m not tracking his signature on a proclamation today. I know this is a federal holiday, I want to thank all of you for showing up to work. we are certainly here. we are working 24/7 right now.”
second reporter: “will he mark Juneteenth in any way, today, or with an event later on?”
Leavitt: “I just answered that question for you.”

take note of how Ms. Lie-vitt phrased her evasive non-answer. ‘I want to thank all of you for showing up to work (unlike all those lazy black people who stayed home).’

that’s gonna be a recurring theme, because when Donny — after somehow managing to remain quiet for most of the day — finally farted out a post, he picked up Karoline’s ball and ran with it.

“Too many non-working holidays in America. It is costing our Country $BILLIONS OF DOLLARS to keep all of these businesses closed. The workers don’t want it either! Soon we’ll end up having a holiday for every once working day of the year. It must change if we are going to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

awesome. this guy — President Golfcart McChucklefuck — thinks we have too many holidays.

hey, let’s check President Golfcart’s official schedule for today.

oh look, Mister Too Many Holidays is ditching work again so he can fuck off at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery.

I guess it’s just a coincidence that Donny chose Juneteenth as the day to whine about why do we have so many days off.

here’s how Vice President Couchfuck McGee commemorated the occasion: by being both racist and deeply offensive.

(actually, this interview is from earlier this week, but hey, close enough.)

podcaster Theo Von: “I’ll tell you this. I heard that Frederick Douglass was gay.”

JD Vance: [bursts out laughing]

Von: “I’ve heard it from four people.”

JD Vance: “[continues to laugh] where do you go to find the people who tell you that Frederick Douglass is gay? you must hang out in more interesting places than I do.”

Von: “that’s why he wanted to free all those men, ’cause he was having trouble meeting anybody.”

Vance: “[laughs] we’re going to talk to the Smithsonian about putting up an exhibit on that, and Theo Von, you can be the narrator for this new [laughs] understanding of the history of Frederick Douglass.”

Von: “but when you think about it, though — he seemed awfully interested in gettin’ them fellas off work early.”

just a couple of vile fuckwads, sittin’ around and talkin’.

no biggie, am I right? it’s just the Vice President of the United States, lauging it up as some podcast yutz describes the emancipation of the enslaved as ‘getting off work early’ so that Frederick Douglass can meet someone. JD Vance laughs it up, like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard, and suggests the Smithsonian should have an exhibit about it. what the actual fuck?

look how comfortable Couchfuck is, talking to this bigoted bozo. this is clearly his kind of guy.

this is a jerk who, if you put him in a donut shop, can’t fake a human response to save his life. he’s all HELLO, FELLOW PERSON. HA HA. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SELLING DONUTS? HA HA. THAT’S GREAT.

but stick him in a room with a racist, and suddenly he’s Mister Personality.

now let’s check in with the Fox News dunk-tank clown. oh look, Piss Drunk Pete’s official response to Juneteenth is to stick his fingers in his ears and go LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU. he’s just going to pretend it isn’t happening.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s office requested “a passive approach to Juneteenth messaging” for the holiday on Thursday commemorating the end of slavery, according to an email obtained by Rolling Stone. The news was relayed by the Pentagon’s Office of the Chief of Public Affairs, which said it wasn’t planning to publish Juneteenth-related content online.

do you think ‘pretend it’s not happening’ is what SecDef Kegstand said to all the woman he ahem allegedly assaulted?

now let’s watch as the Libertarian Party lengthens their 54-year-long unbroken streak of complete irrelevance.

“Juneteenth is egalitarianism and communism. We will interpret anyone who positively celebrates Juneteenth holiday as admitting to being a communist (egalitarian).”

do words even have meanings any more?

I googled egalitarianism just to make sure I had the definition right.

“the doctrine that all people are equal and deserve equal rights and opportunities.”

wait — isn’t ‘all people are equal’ one of the founding principles of the United States? so how the fuck is that communism?

let’s not even bother trying to figure that one out. let’s just move on to misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk. he’s been whining about why do those people get a holiday for years.

“You should be working today. Not taking today off for a CRT-inspired federal holiday that competes with July 4th.”

this is a common moan about Juneteenth from the worst fucking people on the planet — that it somehow ‘competes’ with July 4.

how?

is there seriously anyone biting into a burger or watching fireworks on July 4, and going oh come on, we just did this two weeks ago. what’s even the point?

if there is, I want to meet this person so I can smack them on their dumb-ass what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you face.

this year, Gnomey Chuck’s outdone himself. not content to just bellyache about when do white people get a day, he’s decided to compose some incomprehensible screed-length gobbledygook that supposedly proves that Junteenth somehow ‘displaces’ July 4th. or something like that. who on earth has the time — or desire — to parse this twaddle?

Christ on a crispy cornflake, that’s a lot of words just to say ‘I’m a racist.’

here’s how a real president commemorates Juneteenth.

Joe Biden gave a speech last night at the African Methodist Episcopal Church in Galveston, Texas.

oe doesn’t have his own vulgar flying bordello to jet around in, so he flew commercial, and posed for selfies with his fellow passengers.

don’t you miss having a human being for president?

here are your heroes of the day: CNN’s Kaitlin Collins and — holy shit! — The New York Times.

after it was announced that Donny would decide ‘in two weeks’ whether or not to attack Iran, Collins mocked the shit out of that ludicrous claim by putting together a two-and-a-half minute long supercut of all the times Donny’s used ‘two weeks’ as a dodge to cover up the fact that he never has any plan at all.

the ‘two weeks’ claim is so worn-out and laughable by now that even The New York Times couldn’t avoid committing a journalism.

Two weeks for Mr. Trump can mean something, or nothing at all. It is both a yes and a no. It is delaying while at the same time scheduling. It is not an objective unit of time, it is a subjective unit of time. It is completely divorced from any sense of chronology. It simply means later. But later can also mean never. Sometimes.

Donny is in way over his head, has no fucking clue what he’s doing, and has been using ‘two weeks’ for literal years as a handy way to change the subjuct to anything else. it’s nice to see that the press might finally be growing weary of being treated like annoying children who ask too many questions.

more like this, please, journalists.

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KAITLAN COLLINS: So you agree that people who break in and vandalize a building should be prosecuted?
JD VANCE: Yes
COLLINS: Ok, I’m just checking, because you helped raise money for people who did so on January 6
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Friday Madness

let’s cut right to the chase: this is the part where we throw our heads back in laughter.

anyone with any sense saw this coming a mile away. the first time Mad King Donny and the Space Nazi formed their fucked-up alliance, we knew it was only a matter of time before the whole enterprise went tits-up.

you can’t put two broken-inside man-babies — each of whom believes they hold a divine right to all the money, all the power, and all the attention — in the same room together without creating the kind of atomic chain reaction that culminates in a ginormous smoking crater.

the only question is: what the fuck took so long?

here’s how it all went down. the Space Nazi had been shit-talking Donny’s ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ all week long.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t stand it anymore. This massive, outrageous, pork-filled Congressional spending bill is a disgusting abomination. Shame on those who voted for it: you know you did wrong. You know it.”

which, by the way, was heartbreaking.

the Space Nazi has his own selfish reason for hating the bill: it would end government subsidies for electric vehicles — the very thing that makes his janky Swastikar business viable.

nonetheless, Elon violated the Prime Directive: there must be no criticism of Dear Leader — and so it was throw-down time!

“he’s upset. remember, he was here for a long time. you saw a man who was very happy when he stood behind the oval desk … Elon and I had a great relationship. I don’t know if we will anymore.”

“the oval desk.” everything that Donny says makes so much more sense if you imagine it coming out of the mouth of a two-year-old.

“hey Donny, what shape is your desk?”
“oval.”
“good boy Donny.”

here’s another thing the Mad King said during that q-and-a with reporters:

“I would have won Pennsylvania regardless of Elon…I’m very disappointed with Elon.”

and also:

“I don’t know what it is. It’s sort of Trump Derangement Syndrome, I guess they call it. But we have it with others too. They leave and they wake up in the morning and the glamour is gone.”

and with that, it was go time! on with the battle of the paper-thin-skinned egos!

I mean, what’s even the point of having more money than god if you can’t throw a childish tantrum on your own Nazi-bar website?

“Without me, Trump would have lost the election, Dems would control the House and the Republicans would be 51-49 in the Senate.”

that was all Donny needed to launch into one of his favorite kinds of lies: one where he boasts that the person who quit their job, didn’t really quit — because it was actually Donny who shitcanned their unwelcome ass.

“Elon was ‘wearing thin,’ I asked him to leave, I took away his EV Mandate that forced everyone to buy Electric Cars that nobody else wanted (that he knew for months I was going to do!), and he just went CRAZY!”

Donny can’t even lie without slathering another lie right on top of it. there was never any “mandate” that “forced everyone to buy electric cars.” what the fuck is Donny even gibbering about?

that not-tweet was quickly followed up with this beaut.

“The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon’s Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn’t do it!”

fuck you, Space Nazi, for making me agree with Mad King Donny — because once again, hearbreaking.

this caused the Space Nazi to threaten to take his bat and ball and spaceships and go home.

“In light of the President’s statement about cancellation of my government contracts, @SpaceX will begin decommissioning its Dragon spacecraft immediately”

(spoiler alert: Elon’s already backed down from this threat.)

then it was time for the Space Nazi to go thermonuclear.

“Time to drop the really big bomb: @realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!”

that’s your ‘big bomb,’ Elon? tell us something we don’t already know.

nonetheless, how fucking awesome is it that Elon not-tweeted that to his 220 million followers?

next, Elon endorsed an Ian Miles Cheong not-tweet calling for Donny to be impeached and replaced with Couchfuck McGee.

JD spent the next six full hours running around his house, punching his fist in the air, and going ‘fuck yeah, President Vance,’ before finally, at 10:23pm, calming down enough to pretend to support his for-now boss.

“President Trump has done more than any person in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I’m proud to stand beside him.”

oh, look! Rotting Stevie Three-Shirts is calling for Elon to be deported.

Stephen K. Bannon, who has been one of the most vocal critics of Musk for months, said he is advising the president to cancel all of Musk’s contracts and launch several investigations into the world’s richest man.

“They should initiate a formal investigation of his immigration status because I am of the strong belief that he is an illegal alien, and he should be deported from the country immediately,” he said in a phone interview.

COULD EVERY ONE OF YOU ASS-CLOWNS PLEASE STOP BREAKING MY HEART?

natually, Elon reacted in the most Elon way possible.

let me remind you that these are all fully grown adults.

now let’s pour one out for MAGA. let’s keep the cultists in our thoughts and prayers as they navigate this difficult moment.

nah, fuck it. let’s just laugh at their confusion and despair over mommy and daddy fighting.

imagine the frayed, sparking wires inside every MAGA head right now as they watch the two dipshits they worship the most tear each other apart.

for Pizzagate Jack Posobiec, it’s just a thrill to watch the most manliest men ever go at it in the most manliest way possible.

“Some of y’all cant handle 2 high agency males going at it and it really shows This is direct communication (phallocentric) vs indirect communication (gynocentric) I understand you aren’t used to it”

can’t handle it? bro, we’re overdosing on schadenfreude here. we’re about to deplete America’s Strategic Reserve of Microwave Popcorn.

perennial election-loser and Republican found object Joey Mannarino is another honcho who just can’t believe his good luck in getting to watch the Battle of The Biggest Balls Ever.

“Trump and Elon aren’t attacking one another in a way that won’t be fixed. People forget how men with testicles spar. You’re watching two people with balls the size of the moon debate an issue. This is what masculinity look like.”

jesus, Joey — go take a cold shower.

the cognitive dissonance in the MAGAsphere is off the charts. Dinesh D’ipshit wants so much for all this to just be some kind of ten-dimensional kabuki between Donny and the Space Nazi that somehow ends up with … Democrats in prison?

Is this some sort of perverse scheme to force the release of the Epstein files? How great it would be to have a horde of bad guys publicly exposed. Then Trump and Elon break out the champagne. Elon says, ‘Told you I could get Democrats to scream for that list.’ Laughter!”

go home, Dinesh, you’re drunk.

one immediate result of all this childish fighting is that the Space Nazi lost billions of dollars as shares in his companies plummeted.

Tesla’s shares dropped by about 14.2% on Thursday at market close, wiping roughly $152bn off the value of the company as a feud between Elon Musk and Donald Trump erupted into public view. The former political allies traded threats and insults through posts on their respective social media platforms throughout the afternoon as the company’s price fell.

oh man, you just hate to see it.

ok, I lied. I fucking love to see it.

Elon is just the latest in a long line of arrogant, delusional hubris-monkeys who thought they would be the one who could finally control Donny, and make him dance to their tune. we’ve seen this play out over and over. that shit only works for a short time. sooner or later, it all goes sideways. Donny is too erratic and too literally out of his fucking mind to be corralled.

everything Donny touches, dies.

now let’s celebrate the memesters.

and let’s give the final word to Gianmarco Soresi, because this not-tweet wins the entire internet, forever.

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Slava Ukraini!

Trump and Vance said Zelenskyy should obey. Take what Russia offers. Get nothing in return.

The worst advice from two groomed traitors.

“You don’t have the cards,” will go down in history as the worst military assessment. Now the draft-dodging doofus wants a parade with tanks and soldiers. What a joke.

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Right?!

David Frum On Zelensky: “I think he just shames them. He just shames them. Every time JD Vance looks at Zelensky, he sees a better man. And he hates it because at some level, if you’re a JD Vance you have to know what you are.”

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Kill It With Fire

Kill it with fire.

Can the meth smoking, cousin fucking, redneck bumpkins that couch fucker comes from come get their kid?

Every time he opens his mouth or tweets he makes me want to…. Well I’m sure you feel the same considering he’s cuddling up to billionaires instead of representing you.

[source]

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And even if he lives years, you know JD is planning on invoking the 25th the minute his feet are in the door.

VOTE BLUE!