Category: Fuck Mike Johnson

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Sunday Tiedrich

Holy Mike Johnson, the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel, is in grave danger of losing his grip on that hammer.

by way of explanation, let me commit a metaphor. everyone loves a metaphor, right? especially when it’s this one.

Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand is, of course, standing in for Holy Mike Johnson. the skateboard represents four Republican Congresswomen who are furious with Holy Mike right now. and the nuts are, well, literal nuts. not everything has to be a metaphor, okay?

the women who are the four skateboards of the nutpocalypse.

the first is Marjorie Three Toes Greene.

the Republican majority in the House right now stands at 220-213.

with Madge sporking her way out of Congress next month, the Republican barely-a-majority in the House will drop to 219 — making it that much harder for Holy Mike to inflict his Christofascist fuckery on We the People.

the second is America’s self-appointed bathroom panty inspector

attention-starved Nancy Mace — currently running to be South Carolina’s Governor, and probably jealous of all the headlines Marge got after announcing she was quitting — has also been making noises about retiring early. per The New York Times,

Representative Nancy Mace of South Carolina has told people she is so frustrated with the Louisiana Republican and sick of the way he has run the House — particularly how women are treated there — that she is planning to huddle with Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia next week to discuss following her lead and retiring early from Congress.

pay particular attention to Nancy saying that she’s sick of ‘how women are treated’ by Holy Mike — because here’s a super-fun headline from The Hill.

get ready for the least-surprising thing you’ll hear today: apparently, Holy Mike Johnson — a Christofascist from a southern state — has a problem with women in power. as a result, he’s been sidelining and ignoring them the entire time he’s been House Speaker.

I know, right? knock me over with a feather.

you have to love the way the Times dances around the issue.

Some [Republican women] said privately that the speaker had failed to listen to them or engage in direct conversations on major political and policy issues, suggesting that doing so was a cultural challenge for Mr. Johnson — an evangelical Christian who has often voiced firm views about the distinct roles men and women should play in society.

‘often voiced firm views’ is doing a shitload of heavy lifting in that paragraph.

what the Times is afraid to come right out and say is that Holy Mike is a raging misogynist who would prefer it if the ladies would get the fuck out of the halls of Congress and back into the kitchen, where they belong. those sandwiches aren’t going to make themselves.

the third skateboard of the nutpocalypse is Florida Rep. Ann Appalling Lunatic — who for once in her weird, interdimensional-entity-obsessed life, is not being an appalling lunatic.

Luna has authored a bill that would ban members of Congress from stock trading — and I think we can all agree that preventing Congress members from enriching themselves off the insider knowledge they hold as lawmakers is a great idea.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

the problem for Luna — and the rest of us — is that Holy Mike thinks banning stock trading is a shitty idea, and he’s refused to schedule a vote on the bill.

Luna was all ‘this aggression will not stand, man,’ and has filed a discharge petition to force a vote on her bill — much like the one Tom Massie used to force a vote on the Dead Pedo Bestie files.

the fourth skateboard is New York’s Elise Stefanik, best known for having a name Dear Leader can’t pronounce.

“how great did Elise Steppanack do?”

Steppanack Stefanik is hella pissed at Holy Mike right now.

“He certainly wouldn’t have the votes to be speaker if there was a roll-call vote tomorrow,” the New York lawmaker, who is running for governor, said in an interview with The Wall Street Journal. “I believe that the majority of Republicans would vote for new leadership. It’s that widespread.”

Elise and Holy Mike have been slap-fighting for years, but it recently came to a head when Mike balked at a provision she wanted inserted into the National Defense Authorization Act — one that would ‘require the FBI to alert Congress if it opens a counterintelligence investigation into an elected official or candidate.’

according to Punchbowl News,

Stefanik has gone absolutely ballistic on Johnson in the most public way during this dispute, saying the speaker was lying about her and instructing him to “fix this” – in other words, get the provision into the bill. Stefanik said Johnson was “blocking” her policy and the speaker was getting “rolled” by Democrats.

slow the fuck down, Elise — America is in danger of depleting its National Strategic Reserve of Popcorn.

I have a better idea for Stefanik. instead of some dumb-ass provision to require the FBI to rat on itself, how about Elise’s Republican colleagues stop being such lawless fucksticks, and maybe they won’t have to be investigated by the FBI in the first place?

now here’s where the Elise-vs-Holy Mike feud gets weird — because as almost always is the case when it’s Republican-on-Republican violence, both sides fucking suck.

recall that back in the early days of the Mad King’s second reign, Donny nominated Steppanack Stefanik to be Ambassador to the United Nations — and then, a couple of weeks later, withdrew her nomination. who even remembers why? it’s impossible to keep up with the firehose of fuckery that’s being sprayed in our faces, twenty-four-seven.

anyway, when no-longer-a-nomineeElise slunk back the House to resume being a Rep, Holy Mike named her ‘chairwoman of House Republican Leadership,’ as sort of a consolation prize — and, apparently, she wasn’t grateful enough.

A senior Republican congressional aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for fear of prolonging an intraparty feud, said that after Mr. Johnson had provided Ms. Stefanik with office space and a budget for what the aide described as “a fake job and a fake title,” he would have expected her to be more gracious.

it cannot be stressed enough that all of these Republicans fucking suck. Elise Stefanik is supposed to fall all over herself in gratitude over being given what the anonymous aide admits is ‘a fake job and fake title’?

these people are all ill-tempered children, and they deserve each other.

shed not a tear for Holy Mike, should he lose the House Speakership. he’s been a fucking nightmare. he’s weak and ineffective. he’s an evasive liar. ask any question about some fuckery of Donny’s that’s been all over the news, and he’ll claim to have never heard about it.

worse than any of that, Johnson has completely abdicated the House Speaker’s Constitutionally-ordained role as a check on the presidency. he’s let a fluorescent tangerine Mad King run wild, never once blocking any of his fuckbrained schemes. whatever Donny wanted — no matter how obviously ruinous — was fine with Mike. incoherent tariffs? go for it, Dear Leader. unconstitutional executive orders? you do you, bro. fire all the experts and replace them with morons? sounds good to us. prosecute political enemies? knock yourself out. kick millions of people off their healthcare so that gazillionaires can have another tax cut? what could possibly go wrong?

the end of Holy Mike’s grasp on power — whether from being stabbed in the back by his own party, or by Republicans losing their majority after the likely Blue Tsunami midterms — can’t come fast enough.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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When Do The Leaks Start?

Also from Mock Paper Scissors:

Jeebus Johnson learns Pornhub is shutdown in the South, wonders about VPNs.

There’s no way that the Epstein Pedo-Files will ever be fully released without someone leaking them. Honestly, I’m surprised that no one has leaked it yet.

Of course Hair Füror tried to head it off at the pass (as one does), and you can honestly smell the flop sweat/loaded diaper in this story:

Trump and administration officials reached out to Boebert and Mace in the hours ahead of Grijalva signing the petition Wednesday, as either one of them removing their names would have prevented the effort from succeeding. CNN reported that Attorney General Pam Bondi, Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche and FBI Director Kash Patel planned to meet with Boebert on Wednesday. Trump called Mace early Wednesday, but the two had not connected as of early afternoon, a source told The Hill.

Both representatives kept their names on the petition.

From the NOTUS email thingie:

Two former Biden White House officials told NOTUS that it was “highly unusual” and “weird” for the Situation Room to be used for non-national security or classified issues. The White House did not respond.

“It’s just an easy SCIF to get to,” Boebert told NOTUS’ Manuela Silva last night when she asked why the meeting took place in a room reserved for high-profile national security issues. “I guess I’m pretty high profile.”

And this little detail makes something clear: “I’m not going to detail conversations that took place in the Situation Room,” semisentient jar of mayo and press secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters at the briefing. To gain access to the Situation Room you cannot have any phones or other recording info (including paper and pencils). They chose a SCIF deliberately.

Anyway, here’s the process AND the liabilities for releasing the Epstein Pedo-Files. If the House passes the bill, then…

    1. The measure heads to the Senate, where it will be filibustered. Will enough Republicans cross the line to bring the votes to 60?
    2. Any amendment the Senate might attach —no matter how trivial— would send it back to the House, where Pornhub Moses would then smother it in its sleep.
    3. Vulgarmort will never sign it.

Remember, the Epstein estate has the documents, too. That’s how the W$J made the  vulgar birthday card public. And it is also how we will know if the DOJ tampered with them, as it seems likely.

 

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that you don’t even know where to start. so let’s just spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh look, the House just made itself go fuckity-bye for the rest of the summer.


why? because mean old Thomas Massie has been walking around with a big, throbbing discharge petition in his pants, and he’s been threatening to expose it to everyone.

House Speaker Limpdick Von Gavel had worked himself into a Ginormous Furious over this discharge petition — because had Massie gotten the chance to pull it out, it would have forced a vote on releasing the Epstein Files.

The acrimony comes as Massie continues to push for a vote on his bipartisan resolution calling for the release of documents in the Jeffrey Epstein case, a measure many Republicans are opposed to. Massie is vowing to use a discharge petition to force a vote on the measure, something rarely used by a member of the majority.

and so Speaker Limpdick did the only thing he could. he bravely ran away, away.

in fact, he made everyone run away.

Speaker Mike Johnson announced on Tuesday that he was cutting short the week’s legislative business and sending the House home early for the summer on Wednesday to avoid having to hold votes on releasing files related to the accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

there you have it, folks. that’s the length to which the entire Republican apparatus will go to suppress every shred of evidence about the sick shit that Dear Leader and his dead pedo bestie were up to — they’ll even make themselves go fuckity-bye.

the most useless Congress in history now goes home for the rest of the summer. apart from that big ugly bill that shreds the social safety net while giving another huge tax cut to gazillionaires, they accomplished fuck-all. they couldn’t even manage to rename a post office.

now, all these worthless Republican Reps can go back to their home districts and do fuck-all at home. don’t expect these profiles in courage to hold any town halls. they all know what will happen if they do: they’ll have to listen to angry constituents scream at them about why is my health insurance gone? why did the Space Nazi get a tax cut? — and above all: why didn’t you vote to release the Epstein Files?

everyone knows that Dear Leader’s name is all over the Epstein Files. otherwise, why would every one of Donny’s enablers be working so hard to make sure those files never see the light of day?

what a ridiculous fucking charade.

oh look, President Saddy McSadsad is sad.

“We had the Greatest Six Months of any President in the History of our Country, and all the Fake News wants to talk about is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax!”

oh, boo fucking hoo. put a sock in it, you whiny jackass.

first of all, was this past six months really the greatest of any presidency? fact check:

as for the second part: Alexa, are the Epstein Files all anyone wants to talk about?

fact check: of fucking course they are — because every five minutes, new shit comes to light.

Photos from 1993 confirm for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples. Epstein’s attendance at the ceremony at the Plaza Hotel was not widely known until now.

In addition, footage from a 1999 Victoria’s Secret fashion event in New York shows Trump and Epstein laughing and chatting together ahead of the runway event.

what else should we be talking about, Donny, if not your pedo bestie? would you like us to talk about how increasingly demented and incoherent you are? would that make you happier?

you know, he has these think tanks. and they build— they build buildings for people that think. and it’s really not thinking, it’s uhh, a little bit of combination of thinking, but it’s uhh, it’s something you sort of have, or you don’t have.”

holeeeey shit. ‘they build buildings for people that think.’ no, wait — they don’t just think, they do a combination of thinking. or they don’t, because it’s something only some people have.

here’s your pudding cup, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants. it’s obviously way past your bedtime.

by the way, they also build buildings for people who don’t think.

but please, do go on, sir. we’re hanging on every word.

“but what we found is even more so. we found absolute— this isn’t like evidence, or the— this is like proof. irrefutable proof, that Obama was sedatious. that Obama led— was trying to lead a coup. and it was with Hillary Clinton, with all these other people. but Obama headed it up. and, if, you know, I get a kick when I hear— everyone talks about about people I never even heard of, was this— no, no, it was Obama. he headed it up. and it says so right in the papers. and everything. got everything. this is the biggest scandal in the history of our country. and it really goes on to even the autopen.”

words, do they even exist?

what is ‘sedatious,’ does anyone know? is that when you’re bodacious andseditious?

excuse me, but where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media? can not one of these wastes of space stand up and, at long last, finally ask what the fuck is wrong with you?


no, they can’t.

they’re all content just stand around and nod their heads, as if a diaper-loading grievance-factory hallucinating crimes and threatening to imprison his predecessor was the most normal thing in the world.

nothing to see here, right?

imagine if Joe Biden had accused Donny of trying to lead a coup. OH WAIT, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.


Barack Obama has issued a response to the Mad King’s caterwauling.

Out of respect for the office of the presidency, our office does not normally dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House with a response. But these claims are outrageous enough to merit one. These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.

Nothing in the document issued last week undercuts the widely accepted conclusion that Russia worked to influence the 2016 presidential election but did not successfully manipulate any votes. These findings were affirmed in a 2020 report by the bipartisan senate intelligence committee, led by then-chairman Marco Rubio.

that’s pretty eloquent, but I like Stephen Colbert’s response to Donny better.

“go fuck yourself.”

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Tuesday Madness

it’s a well-known fact that expertise is not the Confederacy of Sewer Clowns’ strong suit. pretty much the whole worthless lot of them are low-voltage ignoramuses who don’t know shit about shit.

look no further than the Secretary of Health and Human Services. he doesn’t know how germs work. the Director of Homeland Security doesn’t know how human rights work. the Defense Secretary doesn’t know how sobriety works. neither does the Attorney for the District of Columbia.

how about the imbecile who rules them all? Dear Leader hasn’t a clue how not being a ginormous fuckwad works.

so none of us should be surprised that, when asked if he was ready for hurricane season, Donny’s new head of FEMA was all ‘hurri-what now?’

Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.

The remark was made during a briefing by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May.

hurricane season, David. how do you not know about hurricane season? look, bro, let me explain. every year, starting in June and continuing through November, conditions in the Caribbean— holy shit, David, did your eyes glaze over already? what the fuck?

where does Donny find these people?

the obvious guess would be Fox News — but I’m looking at Richardson’s bio page at FEMA.com and he’s not from Fox. another fun fact gleaned from David’s bio is that he’s a combat veteran and an expert in dealing with WMDs — which is pretty fucking cool, but not a qualification to head FEMA. in fact, there’s nothing in his resume about emergency management, which — spoiler alert — is what the E and the M in FEMA stand for.

look, I know that Mad King Donny hates FEMA and wants to kill it — and the best way to do that is hire some unqualified toady to mismanage the shit out of the joint — but how did this guy somehow not even hear about hurricane season by accident?

it’s fucking impressive that David Richardson has apparently gone his whole life without walking past a TV, hearing the words ‘hurricane season,’ and having it sink into his dome by osmosis.

Richardson now claims he was just joshing. yeah, right. that’s the standard Sewer Clown dodge whenever one of them gets caught committing a stupid. come one, it was all a big joke. where’s your sense of humor?

fact check: the ignorance. it burns.

while we’re on the subject of not knowing, White House Energy Vampire Colin Robinson Kevin Hassett apparently doesn’t understand how the passage of time works.

George Stephanopoulos: “when will we see an actual trade agreement? will we see any this week?”

Hassett: “I expected we were probably going to see one perhaps as early as last week.”

very nice Jedi mind trick there from Kevin Hassett. when asked if something will happen this week, Kevin makes a bold prediction about what will happen last week — and then gets it wrong.

beautiful stuff. peak Sewer Clown.

fact check: on April 12, Mad King Donny announced that he would be making “90 deals in 90 days.” fifty-two days have passed since then. we have yet to see one deal.

Kasie Hunt: “did you ever witness Elon Musk under the influence of drugs?”

Hassett: “not in a million years. he’s a person who is so filled with joy that it’s just a natural way that he is.”

oh, please. check out the Space Nazi’s behavior during his fake-farewell press conference last Friday.

fact check: he’s zonked out of his fucking mind.

oh yeah. that’s natural. no drug use at all, uh huh. clearly, the guy is just high on life.

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

does House Speaker Holy Mike Johnson understand how not lying works?

Kristen Welker: “if the big beautiful bill does add to the debt, will Trump own it?”

Holy Mike: “it’s not gonna add to the debt.”

Welker: “experts say this will add trillions to the deficit. can you really guarantee this will not add one penny of debt?”

Holy Mike: “I’m telling you this is going to reduce the deficit.”

fact check: the ‘big beautiful bill’ is going to explode the deficit.

Six Nobel laureate economists said a massive budget bill passed by House lawmakers last month and backed by President Trump would weaken key safety-net programs while greatly lifting the federal debt.

The tax and spending package, which Republicans have dubbed the “one big beautiful bill,” would hurt millions of Americans by slashing Medicaid and food stamps, the economists wrote in a June 2 letter on behalf of the Economic Policy Institute, a left-leaning think tank.

gee, who to believe — six Nobel laureates or the limpest dick ever to wield the House Speaker’s gavel? it’s a goddamned conundrum.

I have a question: isn’t Holy Mike supposed to be a big proponent of the Bible?

I’m no Biblical scholar, but I seem to recall that the Good Book has this whole section in it with all these thou shalt nots — and I’m pretty sure one of the bigger shalt nots is ‘lie your fucking face off.’ I get the general sense that the Bible frowns on that kind of shit.

oh wait, maybe Holy Mike isn’t lying. perhaps he’s just a person who is so filled with joy that he’s just naturally optimistic.

yeah, that’s it.

here’s your hero of the day: actor Nick Offerman, probably best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation.

June is Pride Month — so of course the worst people in the world are rage-loading their diapers over ThE gAyS refusing to remain in the closet.

when Mike Flynn Jr — the Don Jr of the treasonous Flynn clan — tried to hijack a Ron Swanson meme and use it to broadcast his own rampant homophobia, here’s how Nick ripped him a new one.

“Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride”

fact check: true.

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Thursday Madness

From Jeff Tiedrich:

Donny Convict isn’t a corrupt piece of shit, and other Republican fairy tales

and The New York Times gives Dear Leader another free pass

n today’s episode of Bad Take Theater, we’re going to hear two from worthless Republicans and one dipshit New York Times reporter as they concoct fever-swamp fantasies about why Donny Convict’s blatant, in-your-face corruption isn’t actually corruption.

Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is the holder of the land speed record for Getting The Fuck Out of Here While Insurrectionists Are Insurrecting.

he’s also one of Donny’s chief apologists on Capitol Hill. his farcical explanation for why Dear Leader isn’t corrupt boils down to ‘what’s Donny need money for? he’s already got shitloads.’

Manu Raju: “what about this meme coin? when the price goes up, it helps his family.”

Josh Hawley: “well, listen. I think nobody believes that Donald Trump can be bought. I mean, what does Donald Trump need more money for.”

methinks Josh Hawley is trying to blow smoke up everyone’s ass.

let me put this in words simple enough to penetrate even the cultists’ thick skulls: Donny needs more money so he can win at having the most fucking money. it’s called greed. having ALL the money is the point.

for Donny Convict, no amount of anything is ever enough. that’s what being a profoundly damaged, bottomless swamp of need is all about.

there will never be sufficient money, power, or attention to fill the gaping hole where Donny’s soul is supposed to be. he’s fucking broken beyond repair — and now, the entire world must be made to suffer because of it.

let’s explore Josh’s ludicrous claim that ‘nobody believes Donny can be bought.’

here, watch this: everybody who knows Donny Convict can be bought, please raise your hand.

oh look, there’s the Emir of Qatar. he’s got his their hand up. he know Donny can be bought. it’s the whole reason he just handed him a vulgar flying bordello — and now Donny’s going down his list of demands, and checking them off one by one.

over there is the Saudi royal family. hands up, all of them. they’ve been lining Donny’s pockets for decades. they’ve been at the game so long that they already know Donny’s price: a bag of greaseburgers.

look who else has his hand up: Ahmed al-Sharaa, the president of Syria. all he had to do get Donny to drop sanctions was dangle the mere possibility of a Trump Tower in Damascus.

and that’s just in the last three days. so what the fuck are you gibbering about, Josh?

let’s move on to the guy who has been voted Most Useless Republican for three years running.

Holy Mike Johnson’s bad take is that corruption isn’t corruption if it’s done right out in the open.

reporter: “Mr. Speaker, you were very critical of President Biden and his family’s foreign business dealings and supported impeachment hearings. are you equally concerned about President Trump’s family’s business dealings as well, especially due to the fact that he’s in a region now where his family has billions of dollars of investments in Doha, and Saudi Arabia, and the fact that he has a crypto business now, where he’s auctioned off access to the White House for the highest bidder?”

Holy Mike [after first lying about Biden and his family]: “whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. they’re not trying to conceal anything.”

fuck Holy Mike for expecting us to swallow his shit-sandwich.

here’s where Mike’s ridiculous assertion falls apart: for Donny, being openly corrupt is part of the game — because fuck you, that’s why. getting right in your face and daring you to do something about it is what makes corruption fun.

Donny knows that he doesn’t have to hide anything he does — because who’s going to hold him accountable? Congress? fuhgetaboutit. the Department of Justice? oh please. Krazee Eyes Ka$h Patel and Pam Bondi were installed to facilitate Donny’s crimes, not prosecute them. the Supreme Court? don’t make me laugh. they’re the shitwads who put the whole concept of I’m A Very Special Boy into Donny’s head in the first place.

who knows, maybe Chuck Schumer’s writing a strongly-worded letter. yeah, that’ll do it.

here’s something we have absolutely no fucking use for at all: a New York Times reporter explaining that corruption isn’t corruption according to a definition of corruption that he just pulled out of his ass.

“Corruption requires explicit quid pro quo. It is not corrupt to take an action that aligns with the interest of a person who gives you a gift, unless the official action was in direct response to that gift–a bribe. Terms matter. Accuracy and fairness matters. Regardless of what social media wants.”

got that? it’s not corruption unless Ahmed al-Sharaa writes a note that says ‘if I let you build a tower will you be my friend’ and passes it to the world leader at the next desk.

here’s why that definition fails:

Donny is a mob boss, and you’re never going to catch him in the act, because he doesn’t leave a paper trail.

that’s how it works. all the dirty work is done with a nod and a wink. here’s how Donny’s former fixer, Michael Cohen, explained it during House testimony in 2019:

“He doesn’t give you questions, he doesn’t give you orders,” Cohen said. “He speaks in a code, and I understand the code because I’ve been around him for a decade.”

Donny’s a two-bit gangster who learned his trade from two experts: his tyrant klansman father, and crooked lawyer Roy Cohn. here’s what they taught him:

don’t you ever fucking write anything down. that’s how you get caught.

and so Donny doesn’t write anything down. he doesn’t use email, he doesn’t text. he doesn’t leave a trail for smug NY Times reporters to uncover. all he does is brag about imaginary wins on his janky app.

that’s why we’re in this shithole mess: we have far too many worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media willing to give a filthy, corrupt mobster a benefit of the doubt that he has never earned.

here’s your hero of the day: Rep. Bennie Thompson. here’s how he opened his questioning of ICE Barbie yesterday.

“Secretary Noem, I’m glad you found time among your many photo ops and costume changes to testify about why President Trump is seeking more taxpayer dollars and what you plan to do with that money, if you get it.”

fuck yeah.

Donny’s Sewer Clowns are unserious, unqualified people who have been given way too much power over our lives, and we must never stop mocking them, any way we can.