Pete Kegstand and the Ketamine Kid teach a master class in fucking

From Jeff Tiedrich:

weird how nothing is ever their fault

here's a thought experiment.

let's say that you had amassed the hugest fucking fortune ever known to humankind. now lets say that, in a ketamine-soaked haze, you set out to squander that fortune. how would you do it?

— would you back a presidential candidate hell-bent on wrecking the world's economy, taking your own companies down with it?
— would you take a chainsaw to essential government services, triggering massive protests and boycotts against the janky products you sell?
— would you become the literal face of modern day Nazism?

if you're the Space Nazi, lucky you! you've accomplished all three, and hit the trifecta! who says Elon isn't a visionary?

Tesla's profits fell 71% over the first three months of this year, a company earnings release on Tuesday showed. The company's performance fell short of analysts' expectations.

71%, is that a lot? I guess it must be, because now Elon is sad. so, so very sad. look at how completely fucking sad Elon is.

weird how even convincing a demented elderly golfer to turn the White House into a car dealership isn't saving the Tesla brand.

I guess Elon forgot about the part where everything Donny touches, dies.

and the news just keeps getting worse for the Space Nazi.

Elon Musk, the chief executive of Tesla, said on Tuesday that China's halt on exports of certain magnets was affecting his plans to build humanoid robots, in the clearest signal yet that China's action is beginning to affect big American businesses.

I'll bet it totally fucking sucks when the fallout from President Tradewar's boneheaded tariff polices rains down on one's own ketamine-curdled head.

that sure was a quarter-billion dollars well spent, getting this guy elected, wasn't it, Elon? you know that Elon totally figured he could control Donny through the sheer force of will — but he keeps forgetting about the part where everything Donny touches, dies.

here's a fun new development: now that nobody likes Elon any more, he's going to take all his toys and go home.

Elon Musk is reportedly set to leave his government role because he's tired of what he sees as a litany of vicious and unethical attacks from the left, according to a report from The Washington Post.

do these tiresome diaper-babies never stop whining? can they never once take responsibility for their own fuck-ups?

spoiler alert: no, they can't. in MAGA world, nothing is ever their own fault.

it's always someone else. the women. the blacks. the immigrants. the gays. the transgenders.

in his own mind, Elon didn't become one of the most-loathed people on the planet because he set out to destroy the one thing most people depend: essential government services. it wasn't because he helped Donny Convict bring fascism to America. and it certainly wasn't because he practically moved into Motel-a-Lago, where, high as a kite, he played with silverware like the privileged asshole he is, while the world burned.

no, it happened because of "vicious and unethical attacks from the left."

oh, boo fucking hoo.

all I can say is, if Elon is actually leaving politics because of all the 'attacks' from the left, well then I'm pleased to have done my part.

let's serenade Elon out with some of his favorite South African apartheid-era melodies, played on the world's tiniest violin.


meanwhile, over at the Pentagon, here's another mediocre white dude who can't ever take responsibility for anything.

Plastered Pete Kegstand continues to dig himself ever deeper. remember two days ago, when we were all warned that even worse shit was about to come to light?

well, here's the first drip of what will no doubt be a torrent.

long story short: you know all those war plans that Kegstand keeps claiming he never ever shared with his wife, family, lawyer, and a journalist from the Atlantic, while at the same time claiming that it was totes ok to share them, because they weren't classified?

well, it turns out that yes indeedy, Kegstand got those war plans off a classified server, copied and pasted them onto his personal phone, and then oopsies! fumblefingered them all over the place.

But then Hegseth used his personal phone to send some of the same information Kurilla had given him to at least two group text chats on the Signal messaging app, three U.S. officials with direct knowledge of the exchanges told NBC News.

but here's the one important thing you need to know about Kegstand's breach of protocol: it wasn't his fault — because nothing is never MAGA's fault.

watch Fox News morning bobblehead Brian Kilmeade hand-wave all this shit away.

"it could be part of a learning curve."

a learning curve. oh, okay. well, that clears everything up. this whole little ahem misunderstanding happened because nobody told Pete it was wrong to share classified war plans with randos in his contact list. he had to learn.

look, Piss-Drunk Pete has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to him when he first started at the Department of Defense that that sort of thing was frowned upon…

pro tip: when your only qualification for your job is that you're a white dude with christofascist tattoos who Donny saw kissing his ass on Fox News, everything is a learning curve.

that's the whole reason, y'know, that Secretary of Defense picks are generally lifetime military experts, and not Fox News chat-show dumb-asses who need to be schooled in the most basic aspects of classified document protocol.

but Plastered Pete isn't going to let a silly little fuck-up keep him from doing what he imagines is his job.

"… and get along to go along. and, y'know, start doing Meet the Press, and going to the Council on Foreign Relations and spending time with all the new-cocktail sipping crowd. that's not why I'm here. I'm here because President Trump asked me to bring warfighting back to the Pentagon, every single day. that is our focus."

I can report that warfighting is fucking pumped to be back. when we last saw warfighting, it was rummaging around in the dumpsters behind the Lincoln Memorial, looking for scraps of food — but Plastered Pete rescued warfighting, cleaned it up, gave it a hot meal and an office at the Pentagon.

remember this, though, as the Signalgate scandal intensifies: stop being mean to Pete. none of this is his fault. it's the disgruntled leakers. the hoaxers. the DEI. the learning curve. the Democrats.

here's some tiny violin for you, too, Pete. it's playing a Sousa military march as you decide who to blame next.


okay, let's get the fuck out of here on a high note.

remember Sarah Palin? how could you not? she's Ground Zero for how we got started in this mess. when she ran as John McCain's veep in 2008, she ushered in a whole new era of Big Fucking Dumb, wherein the stupidest people on the planet realized they, too, could get their face on TV by going into politics.

a few years ago, Sarah Palin desperately grasped for that 16th minute of fame by suing The New York Times for defamation.

the Times' crime? pointing out that it was a dumbfuck move to post a graphic of crosshairs over Democratic districts — including Gabby Giffords', who, you'll recall, ended up getting shot in the head by a would-be assassin.

The Times editorial argued there was a clear and direct link between the Arizona shooting and the political incitement arising from a digital graphic published in March 2010 by Palin's political action committee. The graphic was a map that superimposed crosshairs over 20 congressional districts represented by Democrats, including Giffords'.

fast forward to yesterday: she fucking lost.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin lost her defamation retrial against The New York Times over a 2017 editorial she said damaged her reputation, Reuters reported on Tuesday.

The federal jury found the media company not liable after deliberating for about two hours.

enjoy your loss, Sarah. enjoy some tiny violin, while we serenade you back to well-earned obscurity.

Maybe They're Right After All

From Jeff Tiedrich:

it's probably not a good sign when your homeys have to swear that you weren't blitzed out of your mind when you did that thing you definitely did.

who among us hasn't woken up to discover that we did something ill-advised after a night of over-enthusiastically bending the elbow?

oh fuck, I did what?

for most of us, it's generally something low-stakes — like going online and buying some fugly sweater that we don't even remember ordering until it shows up a few days later.

for others, it's bombing the shit out of another county.

Alexa, show me the least-reassuring headline, ever.

Pete Hegseth was not drunk when he discussed plans to bomb Yemen in a group chat which included a journalist, the director of the CIA has said.

you can trust the CIA, because they would never lie to us, right?

but how does the CIA director know that Plastered Pete wasn't plastered? was he there? does the Signal app have a built-in breathalyser?

by the way, Donny's DOJ won't be prosecuting anyone over this Signal clusterfuck, because of course they won't — because reasons, and also because something something look over there, it's Hillary Clinton!

reporter: "the Signal chat controversy that's going on. is DOJ involved at this point? if so, why? if not, why not?"

Pam Bondi: "well first, it was sensitive information, not classified, inadvertently released, and what we should be talking about is it was a very successful mission … if you want to talk about classified information, talk about what was at Hillary Clinton's home."

so, we're playing semantics games now. the intel was sensitive, not classified. (spoiler alert: it was classified.) and Pete didn't mean to do it, so no harmsies, ok? and besides, Yemen got the shit bombed out of it, very successfully. so what's the big deal?

by the way, handwaving away a major security breach by saying 'it was a successful mission' is like justifying drunk driving by pointing out that you managed not to run over anyone on the way home.

speaking of which — Plastered Pete is playing semantics games, too. check this out.

oops, sorry — wrong clip! here's the one we meant to show you.

"nobody is texting war plans. well I noticed this morning, out came something that doesn't look like war plans. and as a matter of fact, they even changed the title to 'attack plans,' because they know it's not war plans. there's no units, no locations, no routes, no flight paths, no sources, no methods…"

Piss-Drunk Pete is so good at being indignant, isn't he? it's a he skill honed through years of being a weekend chat-show bobblehead on Fox News. just the talent you want in someone who may not remember who he bombed last night.

whether we call it war plans or attack plansthat's not the fucking issue here. let's recall exactly what Pete did: he took classified intel — specific times of air strikes — and cut-and-pasted it into his phone.

then he sent it to all his homies (and a reporter!), hours before the attacks took place, over a janky app that he was warned by his own NSA not to usebecause it's so fucking easily hacked by foreign actors — giving advance notice of bombing runs to anyone who might have gained access to his personal, unsecured phone.

but look, let's not bicker and argue over war plans and attack plans.

the administration has bigger fish to fry. apparently, the National Zoo has been suffering because of all the woke.

President Donald Trump signed an executive order on Thursday directing Vice President JD Vance to remove "improper ideology" from institutions such as the National Zoo.

what in the world? how can a zoo be woke? I've been racking my brain trying to figure this out. are they just inventing things for JD to do, because he's a clueless dope and they want to get him out of the White House?

'hey there, JD, when you've finished fucking the furniture, could you run over to the National Zoo and make sure there's no DEI going on in the elephant house?'