Vomiting It All Up
Quote Of The Day
Thomas Massie, Republican Representative from Kentucky, on the power behind the Epstein coverup:
“Last night I received a flash drive containing the complete list of files belonging to Jeffrey Epstein. Everything is there: every billionaire, every campaign donor, every single person. Now let me explain why you haven’t heard anything about this in the media. Because they’re all in there. They will do everything to prevent these documents from being made public. Epstein was far more than just a pedophile; he was an intelligence asset. He was part of a blackmail operation used to control billionaires, politicians, and world leaders. If this list ever sees the light of day, the system as we know it will collapse. The public has the right to know the truth, and I am not afraid to share it.”
Do it.
Share it all.
[Source]
Only 35 Times?!?
Monday Tiedrich
look, everything may totally fucking suck right now, what with the economy in tatters, our foreign policy circling the drain, and armed fascists running amok on the streets of our cities — but at least the president of the United States is crazier than a shithouse rat. so we’ve got that going for us.
let me give you fair warning: you are now about to enter Crazytown. population: Donny.
holy fucking shit. this is some seriously deranged stuff. it’s some Hitler-in-the-bunker-level ranting.
let’s see if I can rationally explain what Dear Leader is losing his shit over. the National Trust for Historic Preservation is suing Donny to block construction of the Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.
The National Trust sued Trump and several federal agencies in December, arguing the project has proceeded without required approvals, environmental review or congressional authorization.
of course the project proceeded without going through any of those proper channels. that’s not how a Mad King rolls. Donny simply had a demolition crew just show up one day to tear that shit down, before anyone had a chance to react.
but what’s even worse for Donny is that the judge assigned to the case seems inclined to agree with the Trust.
At a hearing in a lawsuit brought by the National Trust for Historic Preservation, U.S. District Judge Richard Leon raised doubts about whether Trump had statutory power to tear down the East Wing with plans to build a ballroom in its place without approval or oversight from the U.S. Congress.
Leon snapped, “Come on, be serious,” after a lawyer for the administration drew parallels to the construction of a pool during the Gerald Ford administration in the 1970s and to other smaller renovations.
and this is Donny’s reaction to being told ‘no’: to power-load an infinite series of diapers, and melt all the way down on his crappy app.
he’s a fucking child — one with a persecution complex. who fucking talks like this?
“But no, as usual, I got sued, this time by the Radical Left National (No!)Trust for Historic Preservation, a group that couldn’t care less about our Country!”
a delusional narcissist, that’s who talks like that. inside Donny rat-infested brain, the National Trust can’t possibly be an impartial organization tasked with the preservation of our historic landmarks. oh no — if you oppose one of Donny’s fuckbrained schemes, you’re now part of some mythical ‘radical left,’ hell-bent on destroying the country.
I’ll bet the staid bureaucrats of the Historic Trust never thought they’d be labeled ‘enemies of the state.’
but that, my friends, is now the guiding principle of the MAGAsphere: ‘if you disagree with me, you’re the enemy — and if you’re mean to me, I can’t help what comes next.’
let’s watch as Obergruppenführer Greg Bovino — that adorable little Fascist In A Teacup™ — applies this principle to the death and chaos he’s perpetrated in Minneapolis.
“when politicians, community leaders and some journalists engage in that heated rhetoric we keep talking about, when they make the choice to vilify law enforcement, calling law enforcement names like ‘Gestapo,’ or using the term ‘kidnapping,’ that is a choice that is made. there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.”
Gestapo Greg says what?
I’m sorry, Greg — are we hurting your fragile fee-fees by calling you and your lawless masked thugs ‘Gestapo’? well, here’s a free clue: maybe don’t act like Nazis, and we won’t have any reason to call you Nazis. if the jackboot fits, wear it, am I right?
and while we’re on the subject, maybe also don’t dress like you’re in some dinner-theater production of Springtime for Hitler.
but let’s look at the darker side of Obergruppenführer Greg’s message: ‘there are actions and consequences that come from those choices.’
excuse me? we’re now being warned to expect ‘consequences’ from the ‘choice’ of calling a fascist a fascist? on what fucking planet? that ain’t the way it works in America, pal. name-calling is not a capital crime. at least not yet it isn’t.
but this is the rhetoric we’ve been hearing from the Donnyverse ever since Renee Good got gunned down in her car. ‘look at what you made us do.’
“we gotta stop the hateful rhetoric. saying this officer is a murderer is dangerous. it’s just ridiculous. it’s just gonna infuriate people more which means there’s gonna be more incidents like this.”
that was Tom Homan, in the days following Renee Good’s summary execution, warning us to keep our mouths shut, if we don’t want more of the same.
once again, this is classic abuser language: ‘look what you made us do.’
getting back to Obergruppenführer Greg’s soundbite, where he whines about‘vilifying law enforcement’ — let’s be clear about one thing: the actions of the masked ICE thugs can in no way be called ‘law enforcement.’ no actual laws are being ‘enforced’ by ICE on the streets of Minneapolis. it’s state-sponsored terrorism, is what it is.
Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel: “you cannot bring a firearm, loaded, with multiple magazines, to any sort of protest that you want. it’s that simple. you don’t have a right to break the law.”
BZZZT! wrong answer.
Under the Second Amendment and MN Stat. 624.714, permit holders may legally carry firearms in public, including during protests. The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that public carry is a constitutional right. Carrying a firearm does not legally constitute “inciting violence.”
I’m so old, I remember what Republicans loved the shit out of people who brought guns to protests.
remember these shitwits?
these MAGA morons were so mad about being asked to lock down and mask up against COVID that they festooned themselves with weapons of mass death and protested inside the Michigan Statehouse.
nobody arrested them. nobody shot them point-blank in the back of their head. in fact, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex lauded them as patriotic heroes of freedom.
and how about these fucknuts?
this is Patricia and Mark McCloskey, reacting in most perfectly normal way to protesters who were simply passing by their house. these paranoid weirdos weren’t gunned down on the spot. in fact, they were honored as keynote speakers at the 2020 Republican National Convention.
and when teenage incel Kyle Rittenhouse brought a weapon to a protest and actually killed people, do you know who defended his ‘right’ to do so? Kash Patel.
“Kash Patel on Kyle Rittenhouse: ‘Where is the due process?’”
excuse me, but where the fuck was Alex Pretti’s due process? he kept his weapon holstered, never drew it, never brandished it — and now he’s dead, thanks to Obergruppenführer Greg’s Gestapo.
our one saving grace amidst all this carnage may well be Donny’s compulsion to overreach and clownfuck his own agenda.
it turns out that Second Amendment absolutists fucking hate it when you try to tell them where they can or can’t bring guns.
“But we must also maintain our core values as a nation, including the right to protest and assemble.”
let’s be clear: Senator Ricketts is not our friend. he’s an asshole who is totally down with ICE disappearing immigrants off the streets of our cities. but he does draw the line at the summary execution of protesters. lucky us.
holy shit, Donny’s even pissed off the NRA. here’s their response to Bill Essayli, one of Donny’s hand-picked MAGAfied US Attorneys, who said, ‘if you approach law enforcement with a gun, there is a high likelihood they will be legally justified in shooting you.’
“This sentiment from the First Assistant U.S. Attorney for the Central District of California is dangerous and wrong. responsible public voices should be awaiting a full investigation, not making generalizations and demonizing law-abiding citizens.”
oh, and the nonsense that Bill Essayli farted out about cops being legally justified in shooting anyone possessing a gun? it’s completely fucking wrong.
The U.S. Constitution (particularly the 2nd, 4th, and 14th amendments) prohibit officers from shooting citizens merely for possessing a weapon that is not an “imminent threat”. This was reaffirmed in Graham v Connor, which says force must be reasonable.
Donny’s moving too fast, being too reckless and breaking too much shit in the process. none of the fuckery Donny is perpetrating is sustainable, and very little of it is popular.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it — because I will never stop believing it’s true: someday, this war’s gonna end.
here are your heroes of the day: the good people of Nuuk, Greenland.
that’s a message the whole world can get behind.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Dystopian Hellscape
And lastly…
Vomiting It All Up
A Fitting Illustration
Sunday Tiedrich
when talking about yesterday’s smash-and-grab escapade in Venezuela — and the plunder to come — where do we even start? with how lawless it is? because it absolutely is completely fucking illegal — and unconstitutional.
with how insane it is? because it’s off-the-charts crazypants.
with how unnecessary it is? the American people didn’t vote for this.
with how unrealistic the goals are? of course it’s all unrealistic. Donny and his toadies live in a fantasy world.
with how it’s just a naked grab for Venezuela’s oil? no fucking shit, Sherlock.
how about we start here: let’s talk about how impaired and unfit for office Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants is — because he could barely stay awake during his own victory lap.
as soon as someone else started talking, Preznit Fuckwit started sawing logs — while standing up. who says Dear Leader isn’t a man of many talents?
as Donald Rumsfeld so wisely counseled us during the Iraq debacle, sometimes you go to war with the narcoleptic fart factory you have, not the narcoleptic fart factory you want.
for fuck’s sake, what’s with all the slurring?
“the United Sases militareese the strongest and most fearsome military on the planet by far, with capabiliseesanshkills our enemies can— [long pause] scarshely begin to imagine.”
oh come on. this is so embarrassing. Donny can no longer read. his brain is fried. maybe he should stick to what he’s good at: pointing at a drawing of a camel. can someone get Dear Leader a pudding cup and lead him back to his room? he should be in bed, not overseeing a war.
hey, you know who’s going to be running Venezuela now? Donny is.
“we’re going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper, and judicious transition.”
oh, how lovely. the shitwit with the attention span of a coked-up squirrel — who acts first and thinks never — is now going to two running two countries at the same time. the business genius who, as his fifth consecutive casino went bankrupt, said ‘let’s open a sixth’ is going to be making decisions about two ginormous economies — all while shopping for marble for his vulgar Epstein Dance Hall where the East Wing used to be.
yeah, right.
now here’s a question: who the fuck is running Venezuela right this very second?
Donny doesn’t know, or apparently even seem to care.
Trump: “There is nobody to take over. You have a vice president who has been appointed by Maduro. She’s I guess the president. She was sworn in just a little while ago. She had a long conversation with Marco and she said, ‘We’ll do whatever you need.’ She really doesn’t have a choice.”
in fact, the Venezuelan Veep has already told Donny to go fuck himself.
Venezuela’s Vice President Delcy Rodríguez condemned the U.S. attack and capture of President Nicolás Maduro on Saturday, saying in a televised address the nation “will never return to being the colony of another empire.”
Rodriguez insists that Maduro is still Venezuela’s president.
“There is only one president in Venezuela, and his name is Nicolas Maduro Moros,” Rodriguez said in a televised address to Venezuelans hours after the U.S. strikes and Maduro’s capture.
and according to Reuters, Rodriguez is in Russia right now.
Venezuelan Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is in Russia, four sources familiar with her movements said on Saturday, after President Donald Trump said President Nicolas Maduro had been seized by U.S. forces after an attack on the country.
so, again, who is running the country?
Donny’s already thrown the opposition leader under the bus.
Trump on María Corina Machado: “I think it’d be very tough for her to be the leader. She doesn’t have the support or the respect within the country. She’s a very nice woman but she doesn’t have the respect.”
the thin-skinned bastard is still big mad that Machado won the Nobel Peace Prize and he didn’t, isn’t he?
this plundering of Venezuela going to be a fucking disaster — and not the fun, entertaining, Stephen-Colbert-eating-popcorn kind of disaster.
it’s going to be a five-alarm shit-show, complete with chaos and suffering civilians.
back in November, The New York Times actually committed a journalism and ran a long piece about how during Donny’s first term, the military ran a simulation on what would happen if the US ousted Maduro. their conclusion was that it would be a clusterfuck.
but Donny doesn’t give a shit about any possible turmoil and violence among the Venezuelan people. Venezuelans can go fuck themselves sideways, as far as Donny’s concerned. he’s made it very clear that this is all about grabbing that sweet, sweet crude.
Fox & Friends: “what do you see as the future of Venezuela’s oil industry?”
Donny: “well I see that we’re gonna be very strongly involved in it. that’s all. what can I say. we have the greatest oil companies in the world.”
and — oh look — the ‘greatest oil companies in the world’ are already on the job.
Officials from top Wall Street firms will be traveling to Venezuela to investigate “investment prospects” of the country. “The trip will feature about 20 officials from the finance, energy and defense sectors.”
hey, remember that deal Donny made with oil executives back during his campaign? the one where he said ‘give me a billion dollars and I’ll take care of you’?
well, here’s your quid for that bit of pro quo. it’s all so fucking corrupt, and it’s going on right under our noses.
but Donny, who’s going to pay for all this shit?
reporter: “is it possible that the US ends up administering Venezuela for years?”
Donny: “well, you know, it won’t cost us anything because the money coming out of the ground is very substantial.”
oh lord, how fucking delusional. ‘the war going to pay for itself.’ gee, where have we heard this before? oh, yeah: back when Dick Cheney and his merry band of fuckface neocons decided to plunder Iraq. every single one of those shitbags bragged about how their awesome adventure was going to pay for itself.
“Iraq is a very wealthy country. Enormous oil reserves. They can finance, largely finance the reconstruction of their own country. And I have no doubt that they will.”
— Richard Perle, chair
The Pentagon’s Defense Policy Board
July 11, 2002
spoiler alert: the Iraq War ended up costing us over three trillion dollars.
hey, New York Times Editorial Board, could you explain to the nice people why Donny’s lawless adventurism sets a horrendous example for the rest of the world?
“By proceeding without any semblance of international legitimacy, valid legal authority or domestic endorsement, Mr. Trump risks providing justification for authoritarians in China, Russia and elsewhere who want to dominate their own neighbors.”
exactly. Donny bombing the shit out of Venezuela and going ‘mine now’ — because reasons — is no different than Putin’s war on Ukraine.
what are we going to say if Xi decides to roll tanks into Taiwan? spoiler alert: we’re not going to be able to say shit — because the US is now a rogue nation.
so much for Saint Reagan’s vision of America as a ‘shining city on a hill.’ awesome job, Donny, we’re now a pariah state. take another victory lap.
oh shit, they are taking another victory lap. they’re already drooling over the prospect of the next war.
Rubio: “If I lived in Havana in the government, I’d be concerned.”
how about Marco Rubio take his unearned hubris and shove it where the sun don’t shine?
maybe win the first war first, you arrogant fools.
you know who could put an end to this fuckery in a heartbeat? Congressional Republicans, by using their Constitutionally-mandated powers to authorize wars — but they’re not going to. in fact, they’ve already rolled right the fuck over.
Tom Cotton: “Congress isn’t notified when the FBI is going to arrest a drug trafficker or cyber criminal here in the US, nor should Congress be notified when the executive branch is executing arrests on indicted persons. and that’s really what you can make the analogy to here.”
that, folks, is how the Republicans are justifying allowing Donny to do whatever the fuck he wants — by pretending that this isn’t a war, it’s a law enforcement action.
‘war? what war? do you see a war anywhere? this is just Donny carrying out an arrest warrant for Maduro and his wife. we’re powerless to stop that shit. who says it’s a war?’
fuck off, you cowards.
now let’s talk about the Democratic response to Donny’s lawless fuckery, because there are two ways to go about it: the right way, and the Chuck Schumer way.
here’s the right way:
Rep. Seth Moulton: “is anyone going to just stop for a second and be honest? this is insane. what the hell are we doing? we’ve got a lot of problems in America today, and invading, occupying, running Venezuela does not solve any of them.”
thank you, Rep. Moulton. we’re all standing with you.
now here’s the Chuck Schumer way.
Asked about the possibility of impeachment, Schumer says ‘we hope that we can have support from our Republican colleagues to put a brake on this long before it gets that far.’”
oh fuck straight off to the moon and back, Chuckles. how fucking naive can one person be? on what planet are Republicans are going to put a breakon this? did you not hear what Tom Cotton just said, you hayseed?
let’s be clear-eyed about our Senate Minority Leader: Schumer’s a great guy to have around if there’s absolutely nothing at stake. need someone to speak at the dedication of a new post office? Chuck’s your man. need someone to make sure all the procedural i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed in some piece of shrimp boat legislation? here comes Chuck!
but Schumer isn’t a fighter. he never has been. right now, he should be screaming his head off about impeachement. that’s what Republicans would be doing if it were Joe Biden smashing and grabbing in South America. but instead, he’s making weak mewling noises about ‘support from our Republican colleagues.’ what the fuck?
Chuck Schumer just isn’t up to the task. it’s time for him to retire.
finally, let’s talk about how hastily this war was thrown together — because it did seem rushed, didn’t it? and those stage-managed photos going around, of Donny and Liddle Marco and Flippy McCrushnuts, acting all warlike and stuff?
that’s not the White House Situation Room. nor is it a secure SCIF, where classified intel can be discussed without fear of leaks.
for fuck’s sake, it’s the dining room of Motel-a-Lago, partitioned with black sheets. anyone wandering past, on their way to breakfast, could have heard what was going on.
how fucking rinky-dink is that?
so, why did this thing have to happen in the dead of night during New Year’s weekend?
it’s all about the timing.
Congress is back in session this week, and they have a lot of stuff on their plate — stuff Donny doesn’t want them dealing with. like the Epstein Files, for which the DOJ just missed another deadline. then there are the Obamacare subsidies, which expired four days ago.
fuck’s sake, there’s another possible government shutdown looming on January 30 — that needs to be dealt with, too.
but now, all anyone is going to be talking about is Venezuela.
that’s pretty convenient, isn’t it?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vomiting It All Up
Sunday Tiedrich
We the People are being shit on again.
it was bad enough when Friday’s deadline came and went without Donny Convict’s corrupt Department of Justice releasing the full Epstein Files, as they were required to by law.
it was bad enough when the DOJ served us a slice of Go Fuck Yourself Pie by releasing less than one percent of the documents in their possession.
it was bad enough when hundreds upon hundreds of the documents they didrelease were completely blacked out and unreadable.
it was bad enough when it became obvious that what was released had been carefully curated to ensure there were almost zero references to Dear Leader.
but things just got a whole lot worse — because these lawless fucks are now memory-holing the shit they did release.
NEW YORK (AP) — At least 16 files disappeared from the Justice Department’s public webpage for documents related to Jeffrey Epstein — including a photograph showing President Donald Trump — less than a day after they were posted, with no explanation from the government and no notice to the public.
stuff that was already on line is now disappearing — ‘with no explanation’ — because fuck you, that’s why. what part of ‘memory hole’ do you need explained to you?
fortunately for us, the internet never forgets — so we can give you at least one explanation:
someone done fucked up and accidentally posted a photo of Dear Leader posing with bikini-clad teenagers.
here’s ‘photo 468’ from the original collection that was posted on Friday.
let’s zoom in on the bottom left of that pic.
oh my. some bleary-eyed FBI Special Agent who’d spent a month working 20-hour days, scouring every photo for appearances of Dear Leader, missed this one.
photo 468 is now gone. if you click on the directory listing for it, you get an error message.
hey, it’s pretty weird how Jeffrey Epstein kept photos of Donny with teenage girls in his desk drawer, isn’t it? you don’t suppose Donny’s dead pedo bestie was planning on using that shit as kompromat, do you?
all these people fucking suck.
here’s another photo that got scrubbed from the DOJ web site.
why? this photo has been in the public domain for years. we’ve all seen it a hundred times.
meanwhile, Donny’s minions are doing their best to smear Bill Clinton as the real criminal in the Epstein Saga. they front-loaded the first batch of the Dead Pedo Bestie Files with as many photos of Bill as they could.
here’s White House Deputy Press Secretary Abigail Johnson, gleefully implying that Clinton and Michael Jackson were cavorting with ‘victims and/or minors.’
“Per the Epstein Files Transparency Act, DOJ was specifically instructed only to redact the faces of victims and/or minors. Here is a picture of Bill Clinton with his arm around Michael Jackson, and redacted individuals.”
for fuck’s sake, this photo doesn’t even have anything to do with Jeffrey Epstein. it’s Clinton with Michael Jackson and his children, and Diana Ross and her son, taken at a fundraiser in DC in 2003.
look, if Bill Clinton was doing sick shit with minors, nail his ass to the wall. chuck him the fuck into prison and throw away the key. I don’t think you’ll find one person on the left who would say anything different. but don’t you dare gun up fake evidence.
that’s the difference between us and them. we want justice, no matter where the chips fall. they want Dear Leader protected at all costs.
tell me, when Donny sent that birthday card to his dead pedo bestie with the poem about the ‘wonderful secrets they shared,’ do you think this is what he was talking about?
here’s another question: do words even have meanings any more? I ask, because look at the twaddle Pam Bondi posted to Elon’s Nazi Bar. she’s proud of her fuckery. she’s calling the release of heavily-redacted documents ‘transparency.’
President Trump is leading the most transparent administration in American history.
By moving to unseal these documents, we hope to give the American people more answers about that fateful day in Butler, Pennsylvania. https://t.co/v7iH9sfpiW
— Attorney General Pamela Bondi (@AGPamBondi) December 20, 2025
cool story, Pam. let’s fact-check your claim of ‘transparency.’
congratulations are in order — because Pam’s outdone George Orwell.
to ‘war is peace,’ ‘ignorance is strength,’ and ‘freedom is slavery,’ we can now add ‘censorship is transparency.’
look at what else these DOJ fucksticks did: they forced Jake Tapper to commit a journalism. he hates it when he has to do that shit.
come on, people. Jake doesn’t want to be scrolling though his phone, showing you redacted files. he’s got sixteen more books to write about how Joe Biden is icky and old and smells bad and probably doesn’t even realize that he’s already dead.
“talk about blacking out, I don’t know if we can get a close-up of my phone. this is one of the documents that the Justice Department released. it’s a hundred pages. this is what it looks like. it’s all black. it’s just one hundred pages of redaction. that’s the ‘transparency’ we’re getting here.”
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
Pam Bondi’s DOJ was required by law — one that Dear Leader signed — to release everything by December 19. there were no if, and, or buts. the law didn’t say if it was too hard to get the job done in time — let’s say because there were so many references to Donny that had to be scrubbed — they get a mulligan.
they’re not supposed to crap out some unreadable tiny fraction of the files and pinky-swear to release the rest of it any day now.
oh, look at me — flapping my futile gums about what these shitstains aren’tsupposed to do.
they’re not supposed to slap Dear Leader’s name on the Kennedy Center. they’re not supposed to detain US citizens for the crime of having the wrong color skin. they’re not supposed to have the military occupy American cities. and they’re sure as fuck not supposed to murder Venezuelan sailors for the high crime of being in a boat.
unfortunately, legal accountability for suppressing the Dead Pedo Bestie Files is going to be hard to come by. sure, Congress could submit a criminal referral for obstruction of justice — but do you know who any such referral would be sent to? Pam Bondi. good luck with that.
but here’s one workable option that’s already on the table: impeach the living shit out of Bondi.
“DEVELOPING: Reps. Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie say they’re drafting articles of impeachment against AG Pam Bondi over the illegal handling of the Epstein files. This just escalated fast. Accountability is coming.”
sounds like a plan.
hey Pam, you want to avoid that? fine, here’s all you have to do: release the full, unedited Epstein Files, you fucking liar.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Midweek Tiedrich
oh look, White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles is a bit of a blabbermouth. who knew?
it seems that over the last eleven months, Overly Talkative Suze has sat for eleven interviews with Vanity Fair’s Chris Whipple, which VF just published in a two-parter here and here.
here’s the beauty part: this Vanity Fair two-parter ain’t some rote, by-the-numbers snoozefest about how honored Susie Wiles is to be working with some of the finest minds yadda yadda yadda zzzzzzzzzzzz.
she actually takes a big stinky shit all over her co-workers.
the Dem Party’s social media team has put together a lovely highlight reel.
so, Donny Convict ‘has an alcoholic’s personality.’ Couchfuck McGee is ‘a conspiracy theorist.’ Pamnesia Pam Bondi has ‘completely whiffed.’ and the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user.’
to which I say: tell us something we don’t already know, Suze.
all this is old-hat to anyone who’s been paying attention from the get-go.
Donny assembled his cabinet from a putrid grab-bag of fuckwads and found objects. you’ve got the piss-drunk Fox News dunk-tank clown. the crackpot who keeps a chainsaw in the trunk of his car on the off chance he happens upon into a dead whale. the lady who perforates puppies for fun. and let’s not forget the vice president who molests furniture.
basically, America’s getting a clown show — and not a funny ha ha! clown show. nope, we’re getting sewer clowns.
Donny put zero effort into finding out if any of these shitwits could actually do the jobs he assigned to them — so it is any wonder that the past eleven months have been a master class in incompetence and disaster?
but still — for someone actually inside the White House to shit-talk the people she works with, that’s quite a thing. especially since Dear Leader expects infinite loyalty and obsequious flattery from every single one of his minions.
so, you’d figure the reaction from the White House would be thermonuclear, and that Susie Wiles would already be the former Chief of Staff — but you’d figure wrong. because what happened next is that every sewer clown simultaneously tweeted statements of undying support for Wiles.
it’s almost as if they had been ordered to do it.
I swear, these nitwits can’t even pull off a decent scandal without fucking that shit up. come on, you bozos, you just got insulted to your faces. what about you, Donny? Wiles said you had an ‘alcoholic’s personality.’ she even said you were all over the Epstein files! how did you not throw a shit-fit over that?
look at this. not only did Donny laugh off Wiles’ remarks, he said he agreed with them.
Trump even admitted to having an “alcoholic personality,” which some around the president considered among Wiles’ most incendiary remarks because of the president’s long and well-known aversion to alcohol and his brother’s struggle with alcoholism.
“I’m fortunate I’m not a drinker,” Trump told the New York Post.
what the fuck is going on? did Putin give Susie Wiles a copy of the pee-tape to use as job insurance?
it’s not a silly question — because it seems that Chatty Suzie has been working with Russian oligarchs for since like forever. look at this, from the Byline Times, published a year ago.
Trump’s newly appointed Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, brings a complex political profile, with ties to Russian oligarchs and Chinese surveillance firms.
Before joining Trump’s 2024 campaign, Wiles was a co-chair at a firm that lobbied for sanctioned individuals and companies. A lobbyist who recommended Wiles to lead US President-Elect Donald Trump’s campaign represented a Russian-born oligarch connected to the Russian President Vladimir Putin and a state-owned oil corporation Rosneft.
Wiles’ ex-husband has ties to a Kremlin-linked lobbyist known for attending the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, where “dirt” on Clinton was offered on the Russian Government’s behalf. Wiles’ daughter failed the White House background check.
that’s all pretty convenient. what does Susie know, and why is her job being protected? and who is she really working for? as always with All Things Donny, there are a thousand questions, and zero satisfying answers.
Wiles, for her part, says that all her shit-talking has been taken out of context. so unfair! so unfair!
“Significant context was disregarded and much of what I, and others, said about the team and the President was left out of the story.”
Chris Whipple, by the way, says all of his interviews with Wiles are on tape.
so tell us, Suze — what is the ‘significant context’ missing from your statement that the Space Nazi is an ‘avowed ketamine user’? was it part of a larger narrative talking about how much fun it was to watch him get higher than two kites and pilot Forkship One all over the patio at Motel-a-Lago?
inquiring minds want to know.
Kaitlin Collins: “on affordability, the president is going to address the nation tomorrow night. he says he’s going to talk about basically what a great year we’ve had since he returned to office. do you want to hear him say there’s no inflation, like he did last week, which is not true.”
Greene: “it’s not true … inflation has steadied around 2.5 percent, so he can’t say there’s no inflation. however, what I would like to see from the president is empathy for Americans. Donald Trump is a billionaire, and he’s the president of the United States. when he looks into a camera and says ‘affordability is a hoax,’ and totally tries to make nothing out of inflation, he’s talking to Americans that are suffering and have been suffering for many years now, and are having a hard time making ends meet. so that’s not the right message to tell Americans.”
look at Sporky. all of a sudden she’s articulate. what happened to the buffoon who used to prattle about ‘peach tree dishes’ and ‘gazpacho police’?
almost three years ago, I wrote a post in which I speculated that Three Toes might actually be only pretending to be a moron.
holy shit, what if I was right? after all, there’s a long tradition of Republicans who act dumb as mud, in order to pander to their dumb-as-mud constituents. look no further than Louisiana Senator John “Not The Good John” Kennedy, who is an actual Rhodes Scholar, yet talks in an exaggerated mush-mouth drawl, as if he were a toothless turnip farmer. I guess now that Sporky is leaving office, she no longer feels the need to play-act.
but you know what? fuck Madge Three Toes and fuck her so-called rehabilitation tour. she’s still garbage.
look at how she’s spending her final two weeks in Congress.
The Protect Children’s Innocence Act, introduced by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., would make it a federal felony for doctors to provide certain forms of medical care related to gender transition for minors, including puberty blockers and hormone therapy. The bill could also expose parents and guardians to potential criminal liability for facilitating that care.
fuck off, Madge. stop pretending you’ve changed.
now we need to talk about Preznit Fuckwit — because he’s not faking being an imbecile. he’s the real deal — as fucking dumb as they come.
Donny gave another rambling mess of a speech yesterday, and — well, you have to hear it to believe it.
“they can fly those things. the way they can aim it at a— target. in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen. they want it to be as dark as possible. they didn’t want anything— and the only time anybody could see those planes was when those bomb chutes open up. because it becomes totally un-stealth when it goes— I explained that to Mark Levin once. you’re going in, you go like this, and as soon as it goes likes this, for some reason the plane is totally visible, not good. and I watched it happening. just— it’s like I’m sitting home watching, you know, it’s amazing, the Situation Room is an amazing place. but I watched them go BING-BING. it went BING-BING. and two massive hundred-thousand-pound bombs come pouring out. and the job they did was incredible.”
he’s so childishly stupid — and this wasn’t a one-off. Donny’s been insisting for years that stealth bombers are actually invisible.
Donny can’t get it through his thick skull that that stealth bombers are called stealth bombers because they can fly without being detected by radar. he honestly thinks you can’t see them. and not only does this gibbering lunatic believe this fever-swamp nonsense — he claims to have witnessed it first hand.
where did Donny see these big strong stealth bombers with tears in their eyes, that go ‘BING-BING’ in the dark of night, the darkest you’ve ever seen, dark like no one thought possible?
do you think maybe one reporter could ask about that? here’s another good question the press might want to ask: what the fuck is wrong with you?
and, lastly it looks like we’re going to war with Venezuela.
we know the Mad King is serious, because he THANKS Venezuela FOR THEIR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.
what ‘land’ is this gibbering lunatic talking about, that he demands Venezuela return to America? the United States has never ‘owned’ land in Venezuela. where is this nonsense coming from? he’s fucking insane.
all this, two days before the Dead Pedo Bestie Files are due to be released. how convenient is that?
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
Vile Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe That Orange Piece Of Shit
Personally, I intend to outlive the motherfucker so I can piss on his grave.
Sunday Tiedrich
oh dear, look what Preznit Fuckwit has done now. not satisfied with tarting up the Oval Bordello and the Cabinet Room with vulgar dime-store fake-gold tat, he’s now gluing that shit to the exterior walls of the White House — most recently, above each portrait on his infantile ‘presidential walk of fame.’ you know, the one where Joe Biden is represented by a photo of an autopen.
stay classy, Donny.
and oh look — the entryway to the West Wing now bears signage in the same tasteless golden script that’s outside the Oval Office. does Donny not realize how rinky-dink all this crap makes the White House look? of course he doesn’t. this is what passes for ‘sophisticated’ inside his worm-chewed brain.
hey, do you know who needs to have once-familiar objects labeled for them? dementia patients, that’s who. is that what all this dumbfuckery is about, so Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants doesn’t get confused and wander into traffic while trying to make his way from the Oval Office to the West Wing?
when Donny oozed his way back into power last January, we knew it was going to be a five-alarm shit-show. ‘fucking everything all to hell’ was a low bar, but somehow Dear Leader has managed to slither under it.
in less than a year, Donny has clownfucked the White House — and much of America — into something unrecognizable. and he’s not done — he remains obsessed with taking a massive shit all over literally everything.
The Trump administration issued a notice of default to the group that manages Washington’s three municipal golf courses, escalating a behind-the-scenes struggle over who will control some of the District’s most visible public land and effectively positioning the president to operate its public golf properties.
why? what possible reason could Agolf Shitler have for taking control of Washington’s three public golf courses, other than malignant megalomania?
doesn’t Donny already have enough golf motels? doesn’t he have, you know, a day job that should keep him too busy to have time for this meddlesome shit?
that’s what this micromanaging dipshit is focused on: golf courses, not affordability, not healthcare. not anything that would benefit We the People. because Donny lives inside a fact-free fantasy-bubble where he’s already made everything amazing — and now he’s taken to yelling at MAGA for not understanding how awesome their lives are now.
“When will I get credit for having created, with No Inflation, perhaps the Greatest Economy in the History of our Country? When will people understand what is happening? When will Polls reflect the Greatness of America at this point in time, and how bad it was just one year ago?”
let us know how browbeating your own cultists works out for you, bro. because here’s a free clue: people do ‘understand what is happening.’ every time someone walks into a grocery store and tries to figure out how they’re going to pay for basic necessities, they understand exactly what is happening — and who to blame.
meanwhile, while Donny’s off in cloud-cuckoo land, fiddling with golf courses, his sewer clowns are batshitting at the speed of light.
get ready to pick your jaw up off the floor — because apparently, FBI Director Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel and his flunky, Dan Bingo Bongo Bongino, have been holding secret meetings with Ukraine’s top peace negotiator.
“spark concern” is doing a metric fuckload of heavy lifting in that headline — because think about it: since when does US law enforcement get involved with peace talks, secret or otherwise?
on what planet does this make any sense?
Secret meetings between Ukraine’s top peace negotiator and FBI leaders have injected new uncertainty into the high-stakes talks to end the war there, according to diplomats and officials familiar with the matter.
* * *
The meetings have caused alarm among Western officials who remain in the dark about their intent and purpose.
gee, d’ya think?
who approved this? who thought it was a good idea who take two nitwits with no negotiating skills — or experience — and insert them into the peace process?
Kash and Bongino aren’t even law enforcement experts, much less diplomats they’re grifters and conspiracy-theory podcasters who are in way over their heads.
Krazee-Eyes Kash and Bingo Bongo are running the FBI for the same reason a piss-drunk Fox News dunk tank clown is in charge our nation’s armed forces: because Dear Leader values loyalty over competence.
it’s been that way his entire life. it’s how he ran the Trump Organization — which is why every single one of his business ventures has crashed and burned. Donny doesn’t want experts who might disagree with him, and tell him no. he wants compliant yes-men who will happily rubberstamp whatever fuckbrained scheme he concocts.
and now these two shitwits have inserted themselves into the Ukraine peace process. is the idea to sabotage the whole thing? who even knows?
here’s another bit of fuckwafflery that Donny’s brainiacs have come up with.
that’s right, pal. you want entry into the United States? well then hand over your phone, so Donny’s minions can paw through it and see what you’ve been up to.
It is especially notable that this rule will apply to foreign tourists and visitors from every country, including those where visas are waived. Currently, a British tourist is required to complete the U.S. Electronic System for Travel Authorizations to visit the country, and the social media disclosure would presumably be added directly to this process. However, according to the same notice, foreign travelers will also be expected to surrender other information as well, including all email addresses and phone numbers used in the last five years, as well as the physical addresses, names and contact information of family members.
excuse me?
I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to travel to some country, and was told that first I had to fork over five years of personal data, I’d cordially invite them to eat my entire ass — and then I’d cancel my plans.
no fucking way.
what’s the goal here? to deny entry to anyone who four years ago tweeted ‘Donny is a poopyhead’? or is it to compile a privacy-destroying database of everyone’s personal information?
it’s probably both.
did anyone think this through? implementing this cockamamie idea is going to be a nightmare. the federal government will either need to create a massive new bureaucracy with thousands of civil servants spending hours a day scrolling through millions of social media posts — or, more likely, some fucked-up AI going is going to be turned loose on everyone’s personal data. oh, great. that’s going to be a clusterfuck.
hey, maybe Glenn Beck’s AI George Washington will be pressed into service to keep tabs on all our tik-tok and instagram posts.
is the idea to completely collapse the US tourism industry? spoiler alert: it’s already working.
can anyone explain to me how destroying tourism Makes America Great Again? that shit brings billions of dollars into the United States every year.
EDITORIAL COMMENT FROM YOUR HOST:
END EDITORIAL COMMENT FROM YOUR HOST.
it’s important for us to never forget that none of it is normal.
wearing us down is how fascism wins. we have to keep on top of all of this shit, and ensure none of it gets normalized. it’s fucking exhausting — but necessary.
here’s the good news: Donny is as shit at fascism as he is at running casinos. we’re seeing the wheels coming off Dear Leader’s clown car. the GOP is backing away from his toxic policies, as they lose election after election.
steady on, folks. we’re going to get through this. I promise.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
A National Embarrassment
No Shit!
“Everything This Administration Tells Us Is A Lie.”
Tuesday Tiedrich
Plastered Pete Kegstand never stops trying to convince us how tough he is. he posts pathetically-needy videos in which he does weak-ass pull-ups. he’s covered himself in christofascist tattoos. he’s forever yammering on about warrior ethos, and he’s renamed himself to be Secretary of All The Wars.
but there’s one thing Piss-Drunk Pete won’t do — and it’s a thing that would really display toughness: take responsibility for his fuck-ups.
nah, Pete’s not going to do any of that taking responsibility shit. not where there are all these buses all over the place. nice, big buses, with roomy undersides. perfect for throwing admirals under.
“Let’s make one thing crystal clear: Admiral Mitch Bradley is an American hero, a true professional, and has my 100% support. I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made — on the September 2 mission and all others since. America is fortunate to have such men protecting us. When this @DeptofWar says we have the back of our warriors — we mean it.”
spoiler alert: Plastered Pete does not have anyone’s back. Pete will betray you in a hot second. look how quickly Pete’s story went from ‘this is fake news, nobody gave any orders to kill all survivors’ to ‘I support the admiral’s right to commit war crimes.’
what the fuck is going on? you change your tune that fast, you definitely have something to hide.
let’s back up here, and remember that after the WaPo reported on November 28th that
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gave a spoken directive, according to two people with direct knowledge of the operation. “The order was to kill everybody,” one of them said.
the official Pentagon response was
“This entire narrative is completely false.”
but that was then. now the story has magically changed to ‘Admiral Bradley ate my homework.’
remember ‘the buck stops here’? well, the buck doesn’t stop anywhere near Pete. the only thing that stops for Pete is the drinks cart.
let this serve as a warning to anyone else who might consider following Piss-Drunk Pete’s illegal orders. not only will you be opening yourself up to a world of legal hurt, you’re also going to find out damn quick what the undercarriage of a bus looks like.
Pete doesn’t give a fuck about you.
“Hegseth is very transparently blaming a Navy admiral for his own decision. Let this be a lesson for every other military officer: The Trump administration will issue unlawful orders, then blame you for following them.”
hey, Flippy McCrushnuts — is this Admiral Bradley’s fault, too? did he give the order for the skateboard to take out your crotch?
oh look, the White House is also throwing Bradley under the bus.
reporter: “does the administration deny that the second strike happened, or did it happen and the administration denies that Hegseth gave the order?”
Karoline Leavitt: “the latter is true … Admiral Bradley worked well within his authority, and the law.”
how nice of all these shameless shitweasels, to get their stories straight.
now, let’s keep a clear mind here: if Admiral Bradley obeyed an illegal order to slaughter shipwrecked survivors, in violation of the Department of Defense’s own Law of War Manual that says NOT TO SLAUGHTER SHIPWRECKED SURVIVORS, he’s culpable as fuck in this mess — and must face consequences.
but if Piss-Drunk Pete manages to slither away from this with clean hands, that’s a fucking perversion of justice.
notice how quick Pete was to glom all credit for bombing the shit out of Venezuelan fishing boats — right up until the moment both Senate and House Republicans announced investigations to find out if provable war crimes had been committed, at which point Pete was all ‘who me?’
there’s your real MAGA ethos: ‘who me?’
remember after Preznit Fuckwit botched his response to covid, resulting in the needless deaths of millions of Americans? remember what Donny said? ‘I don’t take responsibility at all.’
none of these fuckers will ever take responsibility for anything. it’s always someone else’s fault. Joe Biden. his autopen. Admiral Bradley.
I’ve got a free clue for Pete Kegstand: he may think he got away with it this time, but he’d better watch his own back. the second he becomes a political liability for Donny, he’ll find himself chucked under the nearest bus, in a heartbeat.
none of these shitwits ever thinks the leopards are going to eat their face.
ha fucking ha. nothing could be further from the truth. here today, gone tomorrow. just ask James Comey. or John Bolton. or Marjorie Three Toes Greene. or — well, the list is endless, isn’t it?
here’s your other slice of dumbfuckery for the day.
the White House, at long last, released the results of Donny’s most-recent MRI.
now, ‘released the results’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that last sentence — because the note that Donny’s physician foisted on us was pure, unadulterated gaslighting.
“As part of President Donald J. Trump’s comprehensive executive physical, advanced imaging was performed because men in his age group benefit from a thorough evaluation of cardiovascular and abdominal health. The purpose of this imaging is preventive: to identify issues early, confirm overall health, and ensure he maintains long-term vitality and function.”
now hold on just one fucking second. there is no such thing as a ‘preventative MRI.’
don’t take my word for it. I’m just some foulmouthed crank on the internet who actually knows less about doctoring than all the doctors.
let’s listen instead to Dr. Jonathan Reiner. he was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.
Dr. Reiner countered that it was not “standard” for an 80 year-old president to undergo advanced imaging, and that “there really is no preventative cardiac MRI.” He also pointed out that Trump already had his annual physical in the spring, meaning that the fall MRI was unrelated.
“The whole note has kind of a weird defensive, evasive tone to it,” Reiner said. “First of all, this is not part of the president’s comprehensive physical examination. He had that in April, and then he underwent some more testing in July.”
for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.
I’m sorry, but this guy is not well, and We the People deserve real answers, not some bullshit fever dream about ‘preventative imaging.’
whether it’s imaginary bone spurs or a miraculously-regenerated ear, it’s amazing how Donny always manages to find some quack willing to ditch their professional ethics, and lie right to our faces.
meanwhile, those House and Senate investigations into Donny and Pete’s fishing boat fuckery are coming. will any of the actual perpetrators face accountability?
stay tuned.
this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:
practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.
to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.
we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.
What Part Did You Not Understand?
Vomiting It All Up
Vomiting It All Up
Prison? Guantanamo!
They don’t have the manpower to prosecute everyone, so why not?
Right There With Ya, Buddy
I…Just…Can’t
We need a hell of a lot more energy like this from the Democrats:
We’re Living In The Worst Timeline
oh yes he did, and a camera captured the entire dirty deed. I promise, we’re going to talk about it. but first…
sometimes you just want to take your average Republican aside and go ‘what’s the deal with you? as an infant, were you dropped on your head, like, over and over? did you eat ALL the lead paint chips? was there a gas leak in your house?’
how the fuck else do you explain this?
“just so people understand, wind and solar only work when there is wind and sun. we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar. so if you make yourself reliant on wind and solar, then if there’s no sun and no wind, you get no energy. it’s insane.”
oh my sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, how does Republican hand-puppet Marc Thiessen not know about the existence of batteries?
what other modern-day advances is Thiessen serenely unaware of? does he serve his children uncooked meat, cheerfully explaining that ‘just so you understand, we don’t have the technology to get food really hot’?
of course, there is an actual explanation for Theissen’s apparent ignorance of twenty-first century tech — and, sadly, that explanation has nothing to do with paint chips or head trauma. it’s worse.
Thiessen knows how storage batteries work. he’s just pretending to be a dipshit because he — along with the entire Republican establishment — have sold their souls to this fucking imbecile.
President Paintchips McDroppedonhead is a genuine fuckwit who knows dick about dick. he really does imagine that solar planes drop out of the sky when they fly under a cloud.
because Dear Leader is a volatile toddler who can Never Be Wrong About Anything, everyone is forced to play along, and insist that ‘we don’t have technology to store the energy from wind and solar.’
if Thiessen went on TV and said, ‘Donny is so wrong about renewable technology,’ his career as a speechwriter and a think tank fellow and a WaPo columnist would be over.
it would be fuckity-bye, fat paycheck. so long, invitations to the best cocktail parties. sayonara, appearances on Fox News.
same deal with Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin.
Markwayne’s already stood up in the well of the Senate and loudly proclaimed that, regarding Donny’s dead pedo bestie, ‘what we’re simply trying to do is give [Donny] cover’ — so you know that everything that falls out of his dumb mouth is compromised.
to stay in Dear Leader’s good graces, Markwayne has to pretend that he has no idea how years work, or when anything happened, ever.
Markwayne Mullin: “remember, there was a plea deal that was struck in 2009, way before I was in office, way before Trump was even considering to be in office, way before Pam Bondi was in office, way before Kash Patel was director, 2009, there was a sweetheart plea deal that was made underneath the Obama administration with Epstein, and that sweetheart has not been exposed.”
Jake Tapper: “no, it was 2008. the US attorney at the time was a guy named Alex Acosta. he was a Bush appointee. He went on to become President Trump’s secretary of labor. that all took place in 2008.”
Mullin: “who was in office at the time?”
Tapper: “2008, George W. Bush.”
Mullin: “no, 2009 was when the case came out, and Obama was in office at the time.”
Tapper: “it’s not true.”
imagine being so pig-headedly wrong about something that even that grinning hack Jake Tapper is forced to commit a journalism and fact-check you.
oh look, America’s self-appointed panty inspector has found something she gets off on more than doing Restroom Dick Patrol.
“one of my favorite things to watch on YouTube these days are the court hearings where illegals are in court and ICE shows up to drag them out of court and deport them. I can think of nothing more American.”
ugh. just … ugh.
the thing is, Nancy isn’t pretending. unlike her colleagues Marc and Markwayne, she’s not making up some story in order to mollify Dear Leader.
she really is this fucked in the head.
I have no problem believing that Nancy Mace, at the end of a long day, kicks back by settling in with a box of wine, opening a browser tab, and laughing out loud as immigrants who have shown up in court to fulfill their legal duty are wrestled to the ground by masked goons, dragged away in handcuffs and disappeared into Salvadoran slave-labor torture gulags.
and how does Nancy explain her over-the-top glee at the expense of other peoples’ misery?
“I can think of nothing more American.”
what a horrible excuse for a human being.
here you go, Nance. you win today’s Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck Award.
all this Republican psychopathy is in service of a preening narcissist who has been coddled to the point where an entire infrastructure of cheating has been created around him, so he can blissfully live inside a fantasy-bubble where he’s the very bestest of the best at everything.
check out what happened yesterday at Donny’s Scotland golf motel. Donny had hit his ball into the rough, or the sand trap — it doesn’t really matter where it is, because Donny’s not going to play that ball. watch:
that’s right, Donny’s caddie casually pulls a new ball out of his pocket and tosses it on the ground for Donny to take a swing at.
that caddie didn’t have to be told to cheat. he walks around with pockets stuffed with extra golf balls, because — just like Marc Theissen and MarkWayne Mullin — he knows what’s expected of him.
that’s how Donny — a mediocre golfer at best — has “won” eleventy skillion consecutive championships at his own golf motels: by cheating his cheating ass off.
and everyone around Donny is expected to shut the fuck up and pretend that cheating isn’t really cheating when Dear Leader does it.
let’s zoom in and slow that shit down.
when I showed this clip to Ms. Spouse just now, she shook her head and said ‘he really is a piece of shit.’
no lies detected.
FUCK TRUMP, THE REPUBLICAN CONGRESS, AND HIS ENTIRE GODDAMNED ADMINISTRATION
Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!
since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.
apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.
I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’
but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.
Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’
I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?
you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.
never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?
so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.
what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?
by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.
that’s from the 1950s.
tuesday: new scandal drops
oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’
“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”
this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”
let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.
seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.
how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.
as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.
wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom
well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.
“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”
yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.
oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.
thursday: runnin’ with the devil
let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”
wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?
excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.
yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.
friday: so mad. so sad.
FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.
Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.
Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.
yeah! that’ll show ’em.
‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’
no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.
the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.
Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.
what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.
congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.
you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.
hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up
ah, memories.
saturday: ?
hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.
Just Sayin’
Tuesday Madness Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich
welcome to the dumbest fucking twenty-four hours in the history of United States foreign policy.
before we try to make sense of the stupid shit that happened yesterday, let’s back it up a bit. remember that bombing mission that set off this whole shit-blizzard of clownfuckery? all those big bunker busters that Donny was so horny to drop on Iran? it turns out that almost none of that mission’s objectives were accomplished by the bombing.
why? because Donny is a blabbermouth.
it turns out that Donny spent so much time over the last few weeks flapping his rancid anus-mouth about how he was going to settle Iran’s hash that Iran was all ‘hey, you know what? we should probably hide our stockpile of enriched uranium.’
and guess fucking what: that’s exactly what they did.
According to the IAEA’s Grossi, Iran moved their stockpile of enriched uranium from the sites targeted by the US before the attack. This includes “400 kilograms, or roughly 880 pounds, of uranium enriched to 60 percent purity.” The material is “stored in special casks small enough to fit in the trunks of about 10 cars.”
here’s a satellite image of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.
and now the US has no idea where Iran stashed their near-weapons-grade shit.
awesome job, motormouth.
so, on to current events. settle in, because we got an entire year’s worth of batfuckery packed into about eighteen hours.
here’s the first item on the shit that went down list.
Iran launched missiles at a US military base in Qatar on Monday, in what it said was retaliation for American strikes against its nuclear sites over the weekend.
Witnesses reported hearing loud bangs in the sky above the capital, Doha, while videos showed bright flashes in the sky as air defense systems attempted to intercept missiles.
well, that seemed pretty serious — but it turns out that Iran was just doing Big Bomb Kabuki.
It became apparent soon afterwards that Iran had given warning that it was preparing to launch missiles. Three Iranian officials quoted by the New York Times said that Tehran had told Doha of its intentions, as a way to minimize casualties.
this was all Donny needed to clear off a spot on his mantel for that Nobel Peace Prize, and declare himself the Greatest Peacemaker of All Time.
but here’s the not-tweet that really cranked the crazy into high gear: Donny decreed that an immediate ceasefire was now in effect.
awesome! but also not awesome! here’s a pro tip for DONALD J. TRUMP, DUMB-ASS PRESIDENT: when brokering a ceasefire, it’s probably a good idea to get the countries who are lobbing missiles at each other involved in the process — because both Iran and Israel were all ‘huh? what the fuck are you babbling about, old man?’
the Foreign Minister of Iran confirmed this on not-twitter.
how fucking delusional is Mad King Donny that he just assumed he could bark STOP WARRING and everyone would snap to attention?dude, this isn’t like pressing that button on your desk that makes Walt Nauta come running with a Diet Coke. these are sovereign nations.
I love that Donny thinks he can just yell shit.
in fact, Israel was in the middle of raining down bombs on Tehran at the same time Donny was declaring that war was over and now everyone loves each other — and they, too, were all ‘what ceasefire?’
can I just point out how infuckingsane it is that three countries are bickering at each other on social media?
oh, and speaking of infuckingsane, check out this big bowl of holy shit.
Did I hear Former President Medvedev, from Russia, casually throwing around the “N word” (Nuclear!), and saying that he and other Countries would supply Nuclear Warheads to Iran? Did he really say that or, is it just a figment of my imagination? If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY.
what is Donny threatening to do here? and did Donny really just appeal to the dipshit users of his janky app to help him gather intel?
doesn’t Donny have an entire Department of National Intelligence to do that for him? or has he stopped talking to Tulsi Gabbard?
this became the template for the day: Donny would mouth-fart some crazypants shit onto his hellhole app — and then five minutes later, Iran or Israel would deny whatever had been mouth-farted. it devolved into farce — and the media twisted themselves into fucking knots, trying to keep up.
you know, a lot of things in this world have never happened, and here’s something that never happened the most.
Donny, we need more info here. are Israel and Iran in the room with us right now? are they big and strong? are tears of gratitude running down their cheeks as they say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever brokered peace like you! how do you do it? sir!’
Iran turned the tables on Donny and gave him a bit of his own medicine, claiming it was he who came begging to them.
are you confused yet? it’s okay, so are the rest of us.
through all of this, was Donny conferring with his NatSec and DOD people? fuck no, he was watching TV, to see how he was being covered on Fox News.
priorities!
through all of this, Donny keep farting out batshit not-tweets.
he also took a minute off to scream at the oil industry.
and the Department of Energy.
fun true fact: the DOE has nothing to do with oil extraction. that’s the Department of the Interior’s purview. but don’t bother telling that to Donny. he’s having such a good time ranting and raving, let’s not spoil his fun.
by the way, in the middle of all of this, The New York Times decided to commit a journalism, and do a little bomb-dropping of their own.
here’s why our manbaby-in-chief decided to wade into the Iran-Israel conflict: he saw how well it was playing on Fox News and he decided he wanted a piece of the action.
The president was closely monitoring Fox News, which was airing wall-to-wall praise of Israel’s military operation and featuring guests urging Mr. Trump to get more involved.
…
Later that day, Mr. Trump asked an ally how the Israeli strikes were “playing.” He said that “everyone” was telling him he needed to get more involved.
elect a reality-show president, get a reality-show war.
finally, at 1:08 in the morning, Donny posted that THE CEASEFIRE IS IN EFFECT, AND THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT.
but because Donny forgot to end his not-tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, the ceasefire was not legally binding — so of course you’ll never guess what happened next.
and that is the situation we all woke up to this morning.
right now, as I’m writing this, it’s 9:22am EDT, we still don’t have an actual ceasefire — and Preznit Fuckwit is still yelling at clouds.
and — oh look! — Donny continues to hallucinate fever-dream ceasefires.
what the fuck is a ‘friendly plane wave’? I’m guessing it involves dropping more bombs, because that’s exactly what happened next.
because of course they did. nobody listens to the befuddled old man, shouting into his phone. why should they? he’s a joke — an international laughingstock.
Donny’s on a plane right now, headed to a NATO meeting. let’s all hope to fuck that he goes sleepy-bye during the flight, and gives us a few hours of peace and quiet. because holy shit. that was a day.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!
after all that, we definitely need some Heroes of the Day — so here they are.
Jeff Bezos and his plastic inflatable girlfriend are in Venice, Italy right now, for their wedding.
no, they’re not the heroes. these are the heroes:
https://youtu.be/NZgiYjrE3YY?si=8LjQTIh4uaJ2GG2S
NEW: Activists unveiled a giant banner at the Piazza San Marco in Venice, Italy ahead of Jeff Bezos’ wedding, reading “If you can rent Venice for your wedding you can pay more tax”
truer words.
Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich
good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.
the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.
let us review the atrocities.
the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.
this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.
let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’
“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”
yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.
but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.
“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”
seriously?
presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.
did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?
At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”
Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.
but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.
twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?
this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.
Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”
trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58
“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”
that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.
come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.
Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”
Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”
look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.
these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.
meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.
no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.
wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.
Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.
US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.
but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.
oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?
“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”
oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.
I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.
I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.
the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.
nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.
we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?
Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.
but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.
“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.
Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.
Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”
fuck me, we’re doomed.
let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.
we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?