Donnie Two Weeks
This is what he does. He bluffs. He stalls. He blue-balls the nation with performative nonsense and calls it leadership. He governs like a sweaty improv comic on Ambien—no script, no sense, just vibes and screaming. Every policy is a trailer. Every disaster is an opportunity to roll out merch. He treats war declarations like cliffhangers: Will we bomb Tehran? Will we not? Tune in next week on “Who Wants to Start World War III?”—brought to you by MyPillow and reverse mortgages for dogs.
Vomiting It All Up
Thursday Madness from Jeff Tiedrich
hey, everyone! let’s play Wheel of Moron. here’s how it goes: you take the stupidest fucking imbecile to have ever loaded a diaper in the Oval Office. you make sure he has no impulse control, no understanding of how geopolitics works, and — most importantly — absolutely no understanding of how consequences work.
you take this fuckwit, and you put him in charge of a nuclear arsenal.
and that’s it! ready to play? here we go.
Kaitlin Collins: “does that mean you haven’t made a decision yet on what to do [about attacking Iran]?”
Donny: “I have ideas as to what to do, but I haven’t made a final. I like to make the final decision one second before it’s due.”
awesome! America’s Game-Show-Host-in-Chief is going to spin the Wheel of Moron, and no one has any clue where it will land — not even the game show host.
what could possibly go wrong?
it’s Dick Nixon’s ‘madman theory,’ except in this case it’s not a theory — it’s real life.
when Nixon was president, there was this fun thing his foreign policy stooges would do: they’d ring up their commie adversaries and go ‘look, our president is fucking nuts. we’re trying like hell to keep his finger off the button, but we really can’t control him. he’ll nuke you in a hot second and not think twice about it, so maybe you ought to give him what he wants.’
The madman theory is a political theory commonly associated with the foreign policy of U.S. president Richard Nixon and his administration, who tried to make the leaders of hostile communist bloc countries think Nixon was irrational and volatile so that they would avoid provoking the U.S. in fear of an unpredictable response.
spoiler alert: it didn’t work. Nixon was a paranoid criminal, but he wasn’t insane — and no foreign leader bought his act.
but oh, look: the Madman Theory isn’t a theory any more. now we have an actual madman in the Oval Office, and Iran better watch out, because no one know what the fuck he’s going to do. even he claims he doesn’t know — not until he spins the Wheel of Moron and sees where it lands.
check out the very next collection of word-like sounds that seeped out of Donny’s rancid anus-mouth during that presser, because they’re fucking doozies.
“a lotta wars there was no reason for. you look right up there, I don’t know, you see the Declaration of Independence and I say, I wonder if, you know, the Civil War, it seemed to me maybe that could have been solved without losing 600,000-plus people.”
wait, Donny looks at the Declaration of Independence and it makes him think of the Civil War — which he then claims there was no reason for, and that he would have negotiated his way out of it? how does anyone go from ‘we the people think having a king fucking sucks’ to ‘gee, if only Lincoln could have met Jeff Davis halfway?’
fucking hell, Donny still has no idea what’s actually in the Declaration of Independence, does he? all he knows is famous document! America! liberty!
this whole ‘Civil War was unnecessary’ claim is not a new hallucination for Donny. he’s been gibbering about it for years, that if he had been The Great Railsplitter, he would have negotiated his way out of the Civil War — which is basically a big ball of what the fuck are you even talking about?
how would that have happened? seriously, what do you put on the bargaining table when the issue at stake is the right to own people?
‘ok, you Confederates can enslave black people on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every other Saturday. the rest of the time they’re free. do we have a deal?’
let’s get real. if Donny had been prez in 1862, he would have been the Taco Railsplitter, and the Confederacy would live on to this very day. all Jeff Davis would have had to do was stop answering the phone (ok, telegraph) — and boom, Donny would have folded.
and we’d all be speaking German, too, because Donny Delano Roosetrump would have fucked up World War Two.
after that fucknuttery, we could really use a palate cleanser. at a Senate hearing yesterday, Tammy Duckworth went ape-shit on Secretary of Defense Kegstand. let’s watch as an actual combat veteran eviscerates an incompetent poser.
“I believe the Secretary of Defense has admitted that the one billion dollar mission that he led against the Houthis, who do not have a navy, has not restored the transitive US flag’s commercial vessels through the Red Sea, and in fact has resulted in the loss of two F-18 Hornets to the tune of 60 million dollars apiece, as well as — I believe the last count was seven Reaper drones to the tune of another two hundred million dollars. you are blowing through money like my fellow cadets and I did in our first liberty after basic camp. luckily, I didn’t end up with a questionable tattoo.”
“your failures, Mr. Secretary, since you’ve taken office, have been staggering. you sent classified operational information over Signal to chest-thump in front of your wife, who by the way has no security clearance, risking service member lives in the process. you blew the one billion dollar fight against the Houthis, who again, has no navy, and yet, you lost all of those aircraft. you’ve created such a hostile command environment that no one wants to serve as your chief of staff, or work with you in other senior DOD leadership roles.”
“but what we should all be talking about, more than all of this, is that you have an unjustified, un-American misuse of the military in American cities, pulling resources and attention away from core missions to the detriment of the country.”
we absolutely fucking thank you for your service, Senator.
but wait — the Democratic Senators weren’t finished using SecDef Kegstand for a chew toy. here’s Michigan’s Elissa Slotkin.
Slotkin: “have you given the order to be able to shoot at unarmed protesters in any way? I’m just asking the question. don’t laugh. the whole country— and by the way, my colleagues across the aisle—”
Kegstand: “what is that based on? what evidence would you have?”
Slotkin: “it is based on Donald Trump giving that order to your predecessor, to a Republican Secretary of Defense, who I give a lot of credit to, because he didn’t accept the order. he had more guts and balls than you, because he said ‘I’m not going to send in any uniformed military to do something that I know in my gut isn’t right.’ he was asked to shoot at their legs. he wrote that in his book. it’s not hearsay. so your poo-pooing of this, it just shows you don’t understand who we are as a country. who we are. and all of my colleagues across the aisle — especially the ones who served — should want an apolitical military, and not want citizens to be scared of their own military. I loved the military. I served my whole life, so I’m worried about you tainting it. have you given the order? have you given the order that they can use lethal force? I want the answer to be ‘no.’ please tell me it’s ‘no.’ have you given the order? ”
Kegstand: “Senator, I’d be careful what you read in books, and believing it. except for the Bible.”
‘except for the Bible.’ what an smug, arrogant asshole.
get back in the dunk-tank, clown.
now let’s go out with a literal bang. last night, the Space Nazi was running some tests on his latest janky rocket, and …
yup, it blowed up good. it blowed up real good.
have a great Juneteenth, everyone. don’t get blowed up.
when the sentient cockroaches who inherit the Earth from us try to figure out how it all became a smoking, radioactive ruin, they’re not going to believe the truth: that a vindictive, score-settling psychopath went postal because his handlers hustled him out of the G7 before he could power-load his diaper and use it to paint the walls — and because the dumbfuck Fox News dunk-tank clown he made SecDef couldn’t military-parade his way out of a paper bag.
yesterday, while Macron, Meloni, Carney & Co. were gee-sevenning it up in Canada, Mad King Donny was seething in the White House. his handlers may have hidden Donny away from the cameras, but they stupidly forgot to hide his phone — and they should have, because—
hang on, I think we’re getting a Royal Dispatch from His Highness right now. let’s check it out.
We now have complete and total control of the skies over Iran. Iran had good sky trackers and other defensive equipment, and plenty of it, but it doesn’t compare to American made, conceived, and manufactured ‘stuff.’ Nobody does it better than the good ol’ USA.”
ohhh-kay. good to know, bro. thanks for checking in with us. we’re going to get back our— oh wait, you’ve got another Kingly Pronouncement? lay it on us.
We know exactly where the so-called “Supreme Leader” is hiding. He is an easy target, but is safe there – We are not going to take him out (kill!), at least not for now. But we don’t want missiles shot at civilians, or American soldiers. Our patience is wearing thin. Thank you for your attention to this matter!
for fuck’s sake, “thank you for your attention to this matter” is how you close a disgruntled email to your town board because that pothole in front of your house isn’t being fixed fast enough.
it’s not how you close a social media post where you threaten the life of the leader of Iran.
none of this is normal — yet we’re all so far down the rabbit hole with this deranged psychopath that the press barely takes notice.
but wait — the rabbit hole goes even deeper, and now we’re so far down it that Tulsi Gabbard — of all people! — is the lone voice of sanity among Donny’s Confederacy of Sewer Clowns.
Kaitlin Collins: “you always said that you don’t believe the Iran should be able to have a nuclear weapon. but how close do you think they were go getting one? because Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”
Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”
how lovely, Donny doesn’t care what Tulsi Gabbard said. Donny knows what he knows — and goddammit, he’s not going to let his own Director of National Intelligence change his mind.
put yourself in Donny’s place. if you were president, who would you listen to: the woman whose job is to know everything that’s going on in the world, or the barking noises inside your own head?
for Donny, hands-down it’s the barking noises. because Dear Leader is desperate for a win right now. everything’s turned to shit. no one takes his tariff pronouncements seriously any more. everyone laughing at Taco Donny. that ahem alleged drunk fuck at the Pentagon totally botched what was supposed to be a glorious military parade.
and don’t get Donny started on those smug G7 shitheads, rolling their eyes and making fun of him behind his back.
and then, the ultimate indignity — his handlers hustling him back to DC in the middle of the night, because they were afraid he’d completely lose it in public.
so what if Donny fell asleep again, right in the middle of a G7 meeting? so what if everyone was staring at him in disbelief? those people are boring, anyway. all they do is yap yap yap yap.
Donny’s going to show them all. he’s going to throw in his lot with that other bloodthirsty butcher, Netanyahu, and rattle swords and make threats — and if it leads to American bombs dropping in the Middle East, all the better. because fuck you, that’s why.
nobody sidelines Donny.
hang on, I think Dear Leader has another kingly dispatch —
“It is my Great Honor to announce that I will be putting up two beautiful Flag Poles on both sides of the White House, North and South Lawns. It is a GIFT from me of something which was always missing from this magnificent place. The digging and placement of the poles will begin at 7:30 A.M. EST, tomorrow morning. Flags will be raised at approximately 11 A.M. EST. These are the most magnificent poles made – They are tall, tapered, rust proof, rope inside the pole, and of the highest quality. Hopefully, they will proudly stand at both sides of the White House for many years to come!”
FLAGPOLES???? this insane fuck is posting about flagpoles?
bro, you just put the entire world on high alert. we’re all just sitting here, chewing our fingernails and wondering when the missiles are going to start flying, and now you’re blithering a mile a minute about ‘magnificent,’ ‘high-quality’ flagpoles?
look at this crazypants shit. he’s personally directing where the holes are to be dug. this is primo fucking lunacy.
Donny is morally unwell, mentally unwell — and clearly physically unwell. he’s a mess. what is going on with his face? what the fuck is going on with his hand?
that’s a photo of Donny at the G7. his right hand is swollen and bruised. what are Donny’s handlers not telling us about this deteriorating old shitnozzle?
thank you for your attention to this matter, handlers.
wait, what’s that, Donny? you have one more thing to get off your chest?
oh great, the Mad King is awake at 1:35am and hallucinating about imaginary poll numbers.
maybe we should just let the sentient cockroaches take over.
thank you for your attention to this matter, roaches.
let’s watch as the frozen fish-stick heir goads the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun into completely losing his shit.
Tucker Carlson: “how many people live in Iran by the way?”
Ted Cruz: “I don’t know the population.”
Carlson: “at all?”
Cruz: “no, I don’t know the population”
Carlson: “you don’t know the population of the country you seek to topple?”
Cruz: “how many people are living there?”
Carlson: “92 million.… How could you not know that?”
Cruz: “I don’t sit around memorizing population tables.”
Carlson: “Well, it’s kind of relevant because you’re calling for the overthrow of the government.”
the whole thing devolves from there.
now, let’s be clear about what’s going on here. Tuckums is being a bully, and using a technique that gun nuts, toxic male influencers, religious wackos and conservatives in general, use to ‘win’ debates: they harangue their opponents, and declare their opinions invalid if they can’t correctly answer questions about minutiae — and Fidel Cruz falls right into Tuck’s trap.
but still — isn’t it fun to watch two hateful assholes exasperate the shit out of each other?
we’re all in bad need of a hero right now, so let’s listen in as a CSPAN caller rips Jake Tapper — who is apparently still making the rounds and hawking his failed shithole book — any number of new ones.
“right now I really don’t like you. I think you’re doing a disservice to Joe, and also to the American people. when are you going to examine what is going on with Trump? Joe Biden conducted himself for four years, taking care of the United States. he took meetings, he went overseas, he negotiated with other leaders. this president has been pure chaos, which indicates to me that there is something wrong with him. we will never get a straight answer on his medical exam, what medication he is on, and yet you have gone after Joe Biden with a vengeance. I’m very disappointed in you. I enjoyed watching your show, but not any more. and I think right now, that you ought to start writing another book, examining Trump, and how erratic he is, and what he is doing.”
thank you for your attention to this matter, Jake.
A Reminder…
And what is going to keep me alive is living long enough to see it.
The Hypocrisy Is Deafening
EXACTLY, You Stupid CUNT!
The Hypocrisy Is Deafening
Monday Madness
let’s be clear: Preznit Fuckwit needed a distraction. his tariff scheme went tits-up. everyone’s laughing at Taco Donny. Putin’s ignoring him. no one’s impressed with his vulgar flying bordello. his ‘big beautiful bill’ is a big beautiful clusterfuck. DOGE is a bust. his bromance with the Space Nazi has gone fuckity-bye.
the Mad King had to come up with something, anything, to make him feel better about his own worthless, failing self — and so he decided to go full fascist.
a lot of fucked-up shit went down this weekend in Los Angeles. let’s let California Governor Gavin Newsom sum up perfectly why the blame for all of it needs to land squarely on the Mad King’s shoulders.
“Let’s get this straight:
1) Local law enforcement didn’t need help.
2) Trump sent troops anyway — to manufacture chaos and violence.
3) Trump succeeded.
4) Now things are destabilized and we need to send in more law enforcement just to clean up Trump’s mess.”
let’s back this up one step further: none of this had to happen at all.
Donny’s ICE thugs strolled into downtown Los Angeles, looking to fuck shit up.
On Friday morning, federal agents from ICE, the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Drug Enforcement Administration conducted raids across Los Angeles, including at two Home Depots, a doughnut shop, and a clothing wholesaler, in search of workers they suspected of being undocumented immigrants.
got that? ICE went on a fishing expedition based on zero evidence. they invaded places of business. they targeted random brown people at locations where they were likely to be found. which, in Los Angeles, is everyfuckingwhere.
ICE went looking for trouble — and when they didn’t find any, they started some.
none of this was necessary.
it’s really weird how Joe Biden managed to deport undocumented migrants — in greater numbers than Donny — without shitting on the Constitution, without stomping all over human rights — and without disappearing cancer-stricken children who happen to be American citizens.
you know who else took care of immigration policy without fucking everything all to hell? Barack Obama. Bill Clinton. both Smirky Bush and Poppy Bush. Ronald Reagan. Jimmy Carter. Gerald Ford. on and on.
it’s only the Mad King who turned the simple task of managing the border into a five-alarm shithole nightmare. I guess that’s just a coincidence.
or maybe it’s that Donny is a racist chaos-junkie who gets off on violence. his lust for blood was so off the charts that he took a victory lap even before the National Guard arrived on the scene.
“Great job by the National Guard in Los Angeles after two days of violence, clashes and unrest … Again, thank you to the National Guard for a job well done!”
it cannot be stressed enough that Donny posted this about six hours before a single National Guard deployed in Los Angeles.
Donny needs you to believe that all of Los Angeles is a hellish, smoking ruin right now.
“A once great American City, Los Angeles, has been invaded and occupied by Illegal Aliens and Criminals. Now violent, insurrectionist mobs are swarming and attacking our Federal Agents to try and stop our deportation operations.”
none of that shit is true. Los Angeles hasn’t been ‘invaded’ or ‘occupied.’ violent mobs aren’t ‘swarming.’
do you know how many undocumented migrants were arrested by ICE after their Friday sweep of the city?
They arrested 121 people.
one hundred and twenty one people. in a city of 3.821 million. that’s not an invasion, nor an occupation. that’s a rounding error away from zero.
this isn’t the first time Donny’s pulled this “everything’s burning to the ground and only I can save it” bullshit. during the George Floyd protests in 2020, Donny never stopped beating the drum about how Portland, Oregon was a smoking ruin.
fact check: fuck straight off.
Portland’s fire department has a message for President Donald Trump: the whole city is not on fire.
At a Monday news conference, Trump claimed that protests in Portland have been so damaging that “the entire city is ablaze all the time.”
the Portland protests were confined to a small, downtown area — but Donny did such a good job of lying that to this day, there are cultists who will swear to you that the entire city of Portland remains a smoking pile of ashes.
and now the Mad King is doing it all over again with Los Angeles.
did you notice that Donny referred to the protestors as ‘insurrectionists’? that’s because words no longer have meanings in America.
here’s Nosferatu McGoebbels, joining the party and cranking the Orwell dial so far past eleven that it snaps off in his vampyric hand.
“An insurrection against the laws and sovereignty of the United States.”
and when there was only one set of footprints, that’s when Jesus was standing behind Pee Wee German, rolling his eyes and miming jerkoff motions.
yeah, no, jackass: protesting human rights violations is in no way an insurrection. do you really need a definition of an insurrection? here’s one: an insurrection is when you’re such a big fucking baby that you can’t deal with losing an election, and so you whip your deranged worshipers into a frenzy, and then send them off to storm the Capitol, beat the shit out of cops, and stop the certification of votes.
and while we’re on the subject of beating the shit out of cops —
“Hit a cop, you’re going to jail… doesn’t matter where you came from, how you got here, or what movement speaks to you. If the local police force won’t back our men and women on the thin blue line, we will.”
hey Krazee Eyes, what about these guys?
every single one of these cop-beating shitbags got pardoned by Dear Leader on his first day in office.
but wait — we’re not done with our Grand Tour of Sewer Clown Hypocrisy. I’m so old, I remember when a President deploying the National Guard was bad.
“if Joe Biden federalizes the National Guard, that would be a direct attack on states’ rights.”
that was ICE Barbie all the way back in 2024, when she was merely the puppy-perforating governor of South Dakota.
back then, Joe Biden was trying to prevent Texas’ sadistic governor, Greg Abbott, from using razor-wire booby traps to slice the shit out of border-crossing migrants.
hyperventilating Republicans had a message for Joe: deploying the National Guard would be a bridge too far, because states rights!
but now, when Dear Leader wants the Guard to patrol California, suddenly states’ rights are no longer an issue, because — well, frankly, I’m having a hard time deciding if it’s because reasons or because fuck you, that’s why. maybe it’s both.
meanwhile, Donny remains glued to the TV and rooting for bloodshed — in his own country. what kind of broken-inside fuck does that?
arrest the people wearing face masks? who, the ICE goons?
you know, I seem to remember someone warning us that all this would come to pass, if Donny were elected. I also remember that the media was all shut the fuck up, laughing lady.
“Kamala’s newest lie: Trump will send the army after you.”
uh-huh. tell me, is it a lie if something comes true?
the press is continuing to be no help at all.
got that? the Mad King isn’t using the laws of our land for toilet paper — he’s ‘charting new territory.’ thanks for clearing that up, LA Times.
Donny spent his entire first presidency chipping away at the Constitution. now he’s traded his chisel for a blowtorch — and the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press are still treating Donny’s ever-quickening rush to fascism as if it were just some interesting variation on governance.
what are we even doing here, worthless scribblers?
stay angry.
stay safe.
and never lose your sense of humor.
Trump nearly falls flat on his face while struggling to walk up the steps to Air Force One today
— MeidasTouch (@meidastouch.com) June 8, 2025 at 1:49 PM
let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.
The Week In Stupid
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: twice as nice
when last we checked in on pig-castration aficionado and noted philosopher Joni Ernst, the Iowa senator was being royally roasted for having told a town hall audience to basically shut the fuck up and stop complaining about people being thrown off Medicaid, because — and I’m quoting here — “we all are going to die.”
not content at having shot herself in one foot, Joni reloaded her rhetorical shotgun, took careful aim, and began blasting away at the other.
“hello everyone. I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize for a statement that I made yesterday at my town hall. see, I was in the process of answering a question that had been asked by an audience member when a woman who was extremely distraught screamed out from the back corner of the auditorium, ‘people are going to die’ — and I made an incorrect assumption, that everyone in the auditorium understood that yes, we are all going to perish from this earth. so, I apologize for this, and I’m really, really glad that I did not have to bring up the subject of the tooth fairy as well.”
ah yes, the tried-and-true “I’m so sorry … that you people are fucking morons” tack.
holy shitballs, get a load of where Joni Ernst is recording herself. she’s actually walking through a cemetery while shitting on the heads of her constituents. the arrogance is off the charts.
I would love to predict that Joni’s condescending video will be the end of her political career. I’d love to go on about how the Democrat who runs against her in 2026 will turn her own words into a devastating campaign commercial, and that Ernst will be crushed in the next election.
never forget, however, that we live in the stupidest possible timeline — and Iowa voters are gluttons for punishment.
Iowa’s the state that has re-elected Chuck Grassley to the Senate a record three hundred and sixteen times. dude’s been in office since before the Revolutionary War. so I’m not holding out any hope for Iowa’s voters to come to their senses any time soon.
tuesday: a mind is a terrible thing to not have
when they build the Stupid Hall of Fame, Marjorie Three Toes Greene will have her very own wing. imagine having one of the most important jobs in America and sleepwalking your way through it.
“Full transparency, I did not know about this section on pages 278-279 of the OBBB that strips states of the right to make laws or regulate AI for 10 years. I am adamantly OPPOSED to this and it is a violation of state rights and I would have voted NO if I had known this was in there.”
that’s a stunning confession. ‘I would have voted no if I had bothered to read what I was voting on.’
good job doing your job, Marge.
this is how we ended up with all those space lasers, by the way. Marge voted yes on the Jewish Space Lasers Act Of 2022 without even glancing at the title of it. so she has no right to complain about any weather-related incident.
the thing about this current budget bill, however, is that Congresswoman Sporkfoot is not wrong about AI. it’s an environmental disaster, it steals intellectual property, and we need to heavily regulate the shit out of how it’s implemented before it’s too late.
so fuck every Republican for making me agree with Marge Greene.
we’ve sure been getting a lot of use out of the “worst person you know” meme lately, haven’t we?
wednesday: how about taking a vacation from being horrible, Tom
leave Tom Homan alone, you monsters.
“I had over a thousand protestors at my lake house just a month ago.”
OH MY GOD, NOT THE LAKE HOUSE.
look, self-styled “border czar” Tom Homan didn’t sign up for any of this crap. all he ever wanted to do was kidnap innocent immigrant families off the streets and deport them to who the fuck cares, just get them out of my sight. and you people have the nerve to protest about it — at his lake house.
I have to confess that when I heard Homan whining about a “thousand protestors” in some small upstate NY town, my bullshit detector started clanging — because the whole deal sounded like a big bowl of yeah, right. so I decided to investigate. guess what—
fact check: true.
after ICE goons kidnapped a mother and her three kids from their house in Tom Homan’s home town, about a thousand protestors marched from the center of town down to his beloved lakefront property.
do you know what? the protest worked. the mother and her children were released.
A mother and three children who were “snatched” from their home by Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents and detained for 11 days were released Monday following an outpouring of community anger — including a protest outside the house of Donald Trump’s border czar.
so boo fucking hoo, Tom. for once, justice prevailed. stop whining about it.
eat binky, creep.
thursday: wut
good lord, he’s so fucking stupid.
“I’ve uncovered the human mind, I was in a debate with the human mind.”
gee, that’s nice.
but let’s set aside President Yap Yap’s tapioca-filled head for now, and focus instead on his administration’s latest abomination.
that’s right: to get a civil service job in the Royal Kingdom of Donnyland, it’s no longer enough to merely have a cool nickname like “Big Balls.” you now have to sit down and compose a love letter to Dear Leader.
One of those “assessments,” the memo explains, is four 200-word essay questions each applicant must answer in order to prove that they would be a good fit for the Trump administration.
here’s one of the questions.
“How would you help advance the President’s Executive Orders and policy priorities in this role? Identify one or two relevant Executive Orders or policy initiatives that are significant to you, and explain how you would help implement them if hired.”
I’ve been thinking of applying for a job in the Mad King’s royal court, and I’ve been working on my essay. here’s what I’ve got so far.
“dear shit-for-brains,
what the fuck is wrong with you? this is America — and in America, government employees are loyal to the Constitution, not to some syphilitic megalomaniac.”
friday: dessicated corpse speaks!
now let’s check in on the world’s oldest living human fossil.
Chuck Grassley: “my hunch at the moment is they’re gonna come up with a lot of things President Biden did not sign, maybe thousands of things signed by autopen.”
Fox: “It’s not illegal to use an autopen, is it?”
Grassley: “I can’t answer that question for you. maybe I should be able to, but I can’t.”
here’s a fun fact: at one hundred and sixty four years of age, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley is twice as old as Joe Biden. he’s been in government long enough to know that there is nothing illegal about a president using an autopen to sign documents.
for fuck’s sake, Mad King Donny uses an autopen. do you think he actually sat there and personally signed over one thousand pardons for Jan 6 insurrectionists? his tiny little fist would have fallen off.
there are two possible explanations for Chucker’s insistence that he “can’t answer that question” — and both of them suck. one is that Grassley genuinely hasn’t a clue how his own government functions, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.
the other (more likely) explanation is that Grassley has to pretend to be an idiot in order not to anger Dear Leader by giving the honest answer, in which case he’s a disgrace and needs to resign yesterday.
welcome to America 2025, where one entire political party tiptoes around their Mad King, pretending it’s perfectly normal for a country’s chief executive to accuse his predecessor of being a crime-committing robot — while the rest of us are left to gape incredulously at how fucking idiotic it all is.
stupidest. possible. timeline. ever.
Vomiting It All Up, Thursday Edition
Remember when I only had to post one of these every week or so?
And what I wake up every morning asking myself…
Vomiting It All Up
Vomiting It All Up, Sunday Evening Edition
Vomiting It All Up
And I’m Sure I’m Not The Only One…
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Vomiting It All Up…And It’s Only Monday 😫
Trump: ‘I run the country and the world’
President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he’s leading “the country and the world.”
“The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys,” Trump said in the interview published Monday. “And the second time, I run the country and the world.”
Vomiting It All Up
These Tariffs Aren’t Dead, They’re Just Resting
From Jeff Tiedrich:
they’re pining for the fjords.
to paraphrase Mark Twain, “suppose that you were an idiot, and suppose that you were one of Donny Convict’s ace team of economic advisors. but I repeat myself.”
we keep being told that these are the finest financial minds in the world, but all that ever comes out of their mouths is incoherent twaddle—and none of these chickenfuckers can keep their stories straight for five consecutive minutes.
tariffs are on. no wait, they’re off. they back on again. oops, they’re back on. ok, they’re off again — but this time it’s only temporary.
need proof? look no further than the tariffs Donny has slapped on China. the goal, we were told, was to bring manufacturing back to America. we were going to sweatshop our way to prosperity, and return to the glorious 1950s, when nobody fucked with us because everything was Made In Amurica.
once Donny’s tariffs took effect, we were told, millions of happy housewives would be kissing hubby goodbye every morning, before sending him off to his job at the iPhone factory.
leaving her free in his absence to carry on some intense affair with her vacuum cleaner.
don’t ask me. I was a toddler in the 1950s. I guess some wild shit went on that I was too young to understand.
seriously, “we’re going to make iPhones here in America” was literally the rationale that the Sewer Clowns repeated over and over again to justify tariffing the shit out of Penguin Island China.
granny-starving billionaire Howard Lutnick said exactly that, just one week ago.
“we are going to replace the armies of millions and millions of human beings screwing in little screws to make iPhones. that kind of thing is going to come to America.”
a couple of days later, Jailbird Pete Navarro corroborated Howie’s story, adding that some of those iPhone jobs would be filled by happy robots.
Laura Ingraham: “are we going to make iPhones in the US?”
Peter Navarro: “we’re to be able to do it through more automation and there’s going to be plenty of jobs for robots, plenty of jobs for humans.”
then, on Friday, Donny announced a special tariff exemption for cellphones, chips and computers, because of course he did. a guy like Apple CEO Tim Cook doesn’t “donate” millions of dollars to Donny and expect nothing in return.
President Donald Trump exempted smartphones, computers, and other tech devices and components from his reciprocal tariffs, new guidance from U.S. Customs and Border Protection shows.
The guidance, issued late Friday evening, comes after Trump earlier this month imposed 145% tariffs on products from China, a move that threatened to take a toll on tech giants like Apple, which makes iPhones and most of its other products in China.
but wait. if the goal is to bring iPhone sweatshoppery back to America, how the fuck do you do that if you’re going to give a free pass to any CEO willing to bribe Donny for an exclusion?
that’s exactly what Meet the Press host Kristen Welker wanted to know, as she actually committed a journalism and insisted that Jailbird Pete Navarro explain Donny’s tariff incoherence.
Kristen Welker: “the commerce secretary, the treasury secretary, the president himself said there would not be exclusions, and yet just yesterday there were exclusions. so is there in fact a plan, or is the president making this up as he goes along?”
Jailbird Pete: “the policy is no exemptions and no exclusions.”
Welker: “but there were exclusions.”
Pete: [filibusters for a full minute]
Welker: “I hear what you are saying, but there’s currently an exclusion for some products.”
Pete: “you call it an exclusion, potato, potahto.”
Welker: “it’s not me. the White House called it an exclusion.”
ah yes, the well-known potato-potahto theory of economics, first espoused by Ron Vara, the Nobel-prizewinning economist who Jailbird Pete completely invented, so he could have an “expert” to quote in his books — because no real expert would support his batshit theories.
but wait — here comes Howard Lutnick! he’s back, to explain that these don’t-call-them-exclusions are only temporary, because [insert gibberish here].
Jonathan Karl: “so you’re saying that the big tariffs on things like smartphones and laptops, all those iPhones built in China, that those tariffs are temporarily off but they’re gonna be coming right back on in another form in a month or so? what are you saying?”
Howie the Lut: “correct. that’s right.”
so, we all thought these tariffs were dead — but apparently no, they’re just resting. they’re pining for the fjords.
has your head exploded yet?
then, yesterday afternoon, Donny took to his crappy app and posted that nuh-uh, I had my fingers crossed behind my back when I said there were exclusions.
oh joy, it’s going to be a fucking bucket brigade of tariffs, or something. who can even wade through Donny’s incoherent gibbering? all you need to know is that Donny is “taking a look,” is Donny-speak for “I really am making this shit up as I go along.”
how many times did we hear this during his first presidency? he’d announce some nonsensical policy. a reporter would ask for an explanation of how it was supposed to work, and Donny would answer “we’re going to be looking at it very strongly, and we’ll see what happens.”
Donny was so fucking sure that the moment he put tariffs on Chinese goods, those commies would fold like a pack of cards. so far, it ain’t happened — but apparently Donny’s nonetheless waiting for a call from Xi that’s never going to come.
The Chinese were also told – once again – that Chinese President Xi Jinping should request a call with US President Donald Trump.
Instead, US officials woke up to news of increased Chinese tariffs and no request for a leader level call. Xi also made comments that only dug him in further.
instead, China has implemented a fun little policy of their own, called We Ain’t Fucking Around, Dickheads.
On April 4, the Chinese government ordered restrictions on the export of six heavy rare earth metals, which are refined entirely in China, as well as rare earth magnets, 90 percent of which are produced in China. The metals, and special magnets made with them, can now be shipped out of China only with special export licenses.
no rare-earth magnets for America, is that bad?
If factories in Detroit and elsewhere run out of powerful rare earth magnets, that could prevent them from assembling cars and other products with electric motors that require these magnets.
oh. huh.
gee, I thought trade wars were good, and easy to win. at least that’s what the guy who went broke running casinos told me.
now get ready for the crowning moment of chickenfuckery: remember how Donny’s been bragging that thanks to his tariffs, billions of dollars are already pouring into our country?
well, HA FUCKING HA. it turns out that foreign goods are showing up at our ports of entry and are being just waved on through without any money changing hands — because nobody is collecting the tariffs!
Thanks to a technical glitch, Donald Trump’s tariffs haven’t even been collected at U.S. ports.
On Friday, U.S. Customs and Border Protection reported that an entry code in the U.S. system for American ships to use to have their freight exempted from tariffs isn’t working, and “the issue is being reviewed.” As a result, no tariffs are being collected by the U.S. government for the time being.
these incompetent chickenfuckers can’t even fuck a chicken properly. excuse me, but what’s the point of pouring gasoline all over the world’s economy and putting a match to it, if you’re not even going to collect the money?
damn, and I had just finished gluing my head back together.
LOSER!
Vomiting It All Up
I’m Gonna Go With #3…
Vomiting It All Up
Yes, Virginia. It appears this will not be a daily occurrence.
Some Stupid To Start Your Day
From Mock Paper Scissors:
With a screech only bats and certain dogs can hear, Field Commander PeeWee Himmler declares that Hair Füror will make America the manufacturing capitol of the world…
an angry, twitching Stephen Miller yells on Fox News that Trump will "make American the manufacturing capital of the world"
Watch his eyes. You don’t have to be a Truthsayer of the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood to know that liars usually blink rapidly and in excess.
I Doubt It
Vomiting It All Up
I have a feeling this “feature” isn’t going away for a very long time. 😫
Does This Surprise ANYONE?
“Genuinely Stupid, Incompetent People”
