Category: FUCK TRUMP

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Bat. Shit. Insane.

Deep psychosis. I mean, where do you even begin with this?

And projection! OMG…never has “Every accusation is a confession,” been more apparent. He’s still ranting about 2020?!

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Recapping The Weeks Madness With Jeff Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s an entire nation of fuckwits!

since this is a year that ends in a number, there’s a new Superman movie. I think this is the seven millionth in the series.

apparently, the dumbest imbeciles in the universe are power-loading their diapers over this newest installment, because the movie really leans into the fact that Superman is — get this — an immigrant.

I know, right? that’s been Superman’s origin story since the very beginning, and somehow MAGA is just figuring this out right now — and they’re tearing themselves to pieces over the whole he’s not from around hereaspect and demanding to know ‘why can’t we just skip ahead to the part where he punches the shit out of people we hate?’

but speaking of skipping ahead, let’s skip ahead to MAGA’s dumbest take.

Superman is a literal alien. He didn’t come to America illegally. He landed here.’

I’m sorry, Superman did what now? he landed here?

you have to love the resourcefulness of MAGA. this woman has invented a whole new carve-out for immigration. if you can get here from space, you’re cool.

never mind that the baby Kal-El arrived on earth without a single shred of documentation. calm the fuck down, Tom Homan — what part of ‘he got here in a rocket’ do you need explained to you?

so all those whatsits from Mars Attacks are legal, too? good to know.

what about the Predator? he got here in his very own spaceship. I guess we should just let him hang out?

by the way, Superman has been the exact opposite of MAGA since Day One.

that’s from the 1950s.

tuesday: new scandal drops

oh joy of joys. Fox News found object Jesse Watters is back with one of his ‘rules for men.’

“rules for men: a man should never photoshop his picture — ever. a man who photoshops his picture is a woman.”

this tiresome twatwaffle never stops coming up with asinine things that literally make a man a woman. according to Jesse — for those of you keeping score at home — the ever-growing list includes such unmanly abominations as “don’t eat soup in public,” “don’t cross your legs,” “don’t drink from a straw,” “don’t wave your arms in public,” and my all time personal favorite, “real men don’t talk about masculinity.”

let’s discuss this ‘a real man never photoshops his picture’ rule — because I know of a fragile narcisscist who never stops pasting his dumbfuck head onto the bodies of cowboys, prizefighters, athletes, astronauts — and, most recently, that immigrant who’s not illegal because he landed here.

seriously, this was tweeted out by the official White House not-twitter account.

how unmanly. Donny is literally a woman now.

as Jesus wisely counseled us in the Sermon on the Mount, blessed are the meme creators, for they shall win the internet.

wednesday: we’ve officially hit rock bottom

well, there it is. there is literally nothing Dear Leader could do that MAGA couldn’t tie itself into a fucktangle to forgive.

“The future of our country is too important. It is not wonderful if Trump had sex with a lot of children, but as Christians, we need to forgive. And it is good that he is the president, yes, even if he rapes women and girls.”

yes, this is an actual tweet from an actual person, and I don’t even know what to say, except that with all the news of the Epstein Files, we knew we’d get here eventually. it was inevitable.

oh wait. this might actually be a parody account. sometimes the stupid is me. good lord, I sure hope that in this case it’s me.

thursday: runnin’ with the devil

let’s check in with anti-abortion activist Seth Gruber. Seth’s a real charmer, as I’m sure you’ll agree.

“one of the reasons we know that abortion is demonic and satanic is that so many of the feminists, or feminazis, to quote Rush Limbaugh … some of abortion’s most energetic and loud cheerleaders are ugly — and fat.”

wait — that’s it? that’s how you know someone is demonic? they’re fat and ugly?

excuse me for a moment, but I have to make a phone call.

yeah, hi, Ghostbusters? can you head down to Motel-a-Lago? there’s a demonic infestation there. you’ll be looking for a guy on the golf course wearing a red hat. hey, thanks.

friday: so mad. so sad.

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino (yes I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words in that order either) is having both a Big Mad and a Big Sad right now.

Danny’s all caught up in a sadmad because Pam Bondi ruined his entire week by announcing that the Epstein Files were actually just a weird dream that we all just woke up from.

Danny wants Pam outta here, and he’s drawn a line in the sand: to show everyone how serious he is, he gave himself a day off.

yeah! that’ll show ’em.

‘hey, where’s Dan? I have some papers for him to sign.’
‘oh, Dan took the day off.’
‘huh. I guess it’ll wait until Monday.’
‘yeah, just leave it on his desk.’

no word on whether Dan took a sick day, a personal day or a vacation day. but Danny’s now saying either Pam resigns or he quits.

the thing is, this is all just performative-nonsense theater. Bongo Danny fucking hates his job and is look for any excuse to quit, because it’s hard work — and he’s been complaining about it since day one.

Danny thought he’d get to wear cool sunglasses and flash a badge — and maybe eat for free in restaurants. nobody told him he’d be sitting behind a desk, doing boring paperwork.

what Dan Bongino really wants is to go back to the easy life of being a douchebag shitposter. boo fucking hoo.

congrats, Danny, you’re the first Week in Stupid subject to get both a binky and a tiny violin.

you know what? let’s go out on a high note. let’s repost Bongo Danny’s very first appearance in This Week in Stupid, from all the way back in July 2023, when Politico reported that The Danster got ejected from a Palm Beach restaurant.

hey, aren’t you noted conservative douchebag Dan Bongino?
shut the fuck up
what’s happening here, Dan?
shut the fuck up
isn’t this the Cucina restaurant in Palm Beach?
shut the fuck up
pretty fancy restaurant, isn’t it, Dan?
shut the fuck up
it looks like they’re throwing your ass the fuck out onto the sidewalk
shut the fuck up
what’cha do to get tossed, Dan?
shut the fuck up
have a great day, Dan.
shut the fuck up

ah, memories.

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

 

 

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You Hear That, Mr. Trump? That Is The Sound Of Inevitability

From Greg Fallis:

Two people I’d rather not ever think about for the rest of my life? Comrade Donald Trump and the late Jeffrey Epstein. But here we are.

I suppose it was inevitable. I mean, in a lot of ways MAGA is the bastard child of QAnon and the Westboro Baptist Church. We’re talking about people who’ve devoted a seriously big chunk of their daily lives to thinking about sexualized anti-government conspiracies. People who’ve built complex, contradictory theories about political figures (mostly Democrats) and Hollywood elites maintaining a series of subterranean facilities where kidnapped children would be raped and then murdered for their adrenochrome. People who claim to believe trans folks are lined up outside high school bathrooms and locker rooms so they can sexually assault girls. People who spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with kids.

So yeah, the ‘suspicious’ death of Jeffrey Epstein is chum in the water for MAGA. When Trump’s pre-election team promised to expose the “truth” about Epstein, MAGA ate it up with a spoon. They absolutely believe Epstein was murdered because he possessed sexually compromising material on powerful figures–a so-called ‘client list’. When asked about that list, Attorney General Pam Bondi said, “It’s sitting on my desk right now to review.”

Then on Friday evening–the 4th of July holiday weekend–Bondi quietly announced, “Hey gang, guess what, there IS no client list! Oopsie! Also? Epstein killed himself! So case closed! How about those Red Sox, huh?!”

MAGA was not amused. You spend years spreading chum in the water, you expect to catch a shark. Being told there IS no shark doesn’t go over well. And given Trump’s long, close relationship with Epstein, it was inevitable that things would get weird and nasty.

But nasty enough to get MAGA to turn on Mr. MAGA his ownself?

I was curious enough that I looked into one of the MAGA-most corners of the Intertubes. I used to check in on the ‘patriots’ of FreeRepublic on a semi-regular basis, just to have some idea of how their fevered right-wing brains work. Snce the re-election of Comrade Trump, I haven’t had the stomach for it.

Until yesterday. And reader, the MAGAverse is absolutely furious. Furious not just at Bondi for her clumsy bait-and-switch approach, but also at their boy Trump. Here are a few of the comments made on FreeRepublic:

I woke up this morning with the realization that the only explanation for this is that Trump is on the list. Nothing else makes sense. This is like Watergate. It will never go away, and it will lead to Trump’s resignation.
–by E. Pluribus Unum (Democrats are the Party of racism, anger, hate and violence.)

Something very big is being covered up.
–by Highest Authority (DemonRats are pure EVIL)

Let’s face it: Pam Bondi is doing just what Trump wants her to do.
–by hcmama

I think we all need to wake up to the real possibility he’s on that list.
–by Lil Flower (American by birth. Southern by the Grace of God. ROLL TIDE!!)

Looks pretty suspicious to go from “The List is ON My Desk Right Now” to “The List Doesn’t Exist.” Someone intervened that has the power to stop the list from being released by the Attorney General of the United States.
–by Bon of Babble (You Say You Want a Revolutioan?)

This decision is way past bondi’s pay grade. This is Trump. Period.
by USS Alaska (NUKE THE MOOSELIMB TERRORIST SAVAGES)

When you see a Freeper who signs his posts with ‘Nuke the Mooselimb Terrorist Savages’ turn on Trump, you know they’re serious. Not necessarily sane, but serious. The reality that their Golden Boy might be on the List of Epstein Kiddie Diddlers (if one actually exists) has to be massively discouraging for them. One way of dealing with that is to create NEW conspiracy theories to explain it. For example, there’s a contingent of Freepers who’ve decided to blame…guess who? That’s right; the Jews.

Ask Israel. They control The Stable Genius…
by Captainpaintball (America needs a Conservative DICTATOR if it hopes to survive. )

Everybody knows Trump and Bibi Netanyahu are BFFs. Combine that with the suggestion that Epstein was some sort of FBI/CIA/Mossad agent, and you’ve got another tasty conspiracy to dine on. But even better (and by ‘better’ I mean ‘more delusional’) are the Freepers who see all of this as part of Trump’s Super Secret Clever Plan to Thump the Democrats.

I think it’s POSSIBLE that genius Trump is making this too big to go away by showing a coverup. When the truth is released…we will get suicide after suicide with DimWITS and RINOs leading the way.
by politicianslie

My conspiracy theory. The Epstein files contain information that can bring down 0bama, Clinton, Clapper, Comey, Brennan… That is why they have to sit on the Epstein files
by Steven Tyler

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it. Trump promises to release the Epstein Files to get people excited, then claims the files don’t exists, which gets people even more excited. Eventually all that excitement will reach the boiling point and then Trump will hold a press conference and reveal…Hey Presto! The files DO exist! And they implicate ALL of Trump’s enemies! Genius! Applause and fireworks! A chorus of angels sing as the anti-MAGA deviants are led away to concentration camps in Sudan!

Jesus suffering fuck, dealing with MAGA is exhausting. I need a drink.

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IT’S A CULT

At this point no matter what you say, what facts or evidence is provided to them the Cultists will not change their world view.

When he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and they would still support him that seems to be true.

He is their world and they mindlessly follow his lead…right off a cliff if directed.

 

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How Many Levels Of Hell Are There? And Why Do I Think We Haven’t Reached The Lowest Level Yet?

‘shithole countries.’

that was Little Donny Fuckface’s adorable catch-all phrase for all those little African countries he had no interesting in learning the names of.

why do we let people from shithole countries come here, raged Donny in a White House meeting in 2018. why can’t we get more white people to immigrate, from places like Norway?

racists gonna racist, whatcha gonna do?

let’s watch what happens when America’s Racist-in-Chief sits down with the leaders of some of those ‘shithole countries’ and trots out his ignorance for all to see.

Donny: “thank you, and such good English. where did you learn to speak so beautifully? you were educated where?”
Liberia’s President Joseph Boakai: “Liberia.”
Donny: “in Liberia? that’s very interesting. beautiful English, too. I have people at this table can’t speak nearly as well.”

holy shit. could this ginormous asshole possibly be any more condescending?Donny can’t imagine that a black man from Africa — of all places! — would speak flawless English. surely, President Boakai must have left his native county — where they no doubt gibber incomprehensibly — to learn English at some prestigious university. was it Oxford? Cambridge?

no, you ignorant fuck, President Boakai learned English at home, from his parents. because fact check: English is the official language of Liberia.

it’s not ‘interesting’ that President Boakai speaks flawless English any more than it’s interesting that Donny barks out THEY’RE EATING THE DAWGS in that coarse Queens, New York accent of his.

here’s a cool fact about Liberia: its nickname is ‘Little America.’ here’s why:

For nearly five decades, starting in 1820, some 13,000 freed American slaves and their families colonized the region as part of a privately organized repatriation effort. Having given itself a name reflecting the settlers’ liberation, Liberia declared itself an independent nation in 1847—Africa’s first.

Donny would have known this, if he had read the briefing papers his staffers probably don’t even bother to prepare any more, because their boss is a jackass who never does the reading.

read? are you fucking kidding me? that’s time Donny could be spending watching himself on TV, or cheating at golf. Donny knows what he imagines he knows — and that’s good enough for Donny.

I guarantee everything Donny “knows” about Africa comes from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons as a child in the 1940s.

we probably should all be grateful that Donny didn’t ask President Boakai if he’d ever cooked someone in a pot.

what a fucking embarrassment.

world leaders have learned how to deal with America’s volatile Toddler King: by flattering the shit out of him. here’s Bassirou Diomaye Faye, the president of Senegal (through a translator), pretending to give two fucks about golf.

“I know you are a tremendous golf player. golf requires concentration and precision, qualities that also make for a great leader. Senegal has exceptional opportunities to offer, including in the area of tourism. so, perhaps it would just be six hours by flight, from New York, from Miami, from Europe, or from the Gulf, and that would be an opportunity for you to show off your skills on the golf course, too.”

once again, none of this is normal. world leaders shouldn’t have to humiliate themselves, just to remain in the good graces of a broken-inside narcissist obsessed with settling scores over imaginary grievances. but this is how it the game is played now: diplomacy by extortion. you want something from the mob boss? pony up, bro. Qatar gave me a flying bordello. Syria’s letting me put up a golden tower in Damascus. whattaya got to offer, in that shithole country of yours? enough open land for a golf course? awesome.

kiss the ring and sign the damn check.

the thing is, all that ass-kissing is for naught — because Donny doesn’t give a fuck who any of these people are.

“maybe we’re gonna have to go a bit quicker than this, because we have a whole schedule. um, if I could just ask your name and your country, would be great. thank you, please.”

Donny hasn’t the slightest clue who he’s talking to, or where they’re from — and I guarantee you that he doesn’t care. snap it up, bro, I gotta whole schedule here, give me your name and country so I can immediately forget them, because I don’t give a fuck.

in fact, let’s all watch President Don’t Give a Fuck not give a fuck.

reporter: “do you expect any of the countries here to face tariffs as well?”

Donny: “uh, I haven’t thought of it, but maybe, I don’t know. let’s see, I like him, him, him, him, and him. no, I don’t think so, not too much. these are friends of mine now.”

sure they are. pro tip: people generally know their friends’ names, and don’t just go him, him, him.

imagine that Donny had a normal marriage — one where his Slovenian trophy wife didn’t loathe him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. imagine that Melania actually lived under the same roof as Donny, and that the two of them talked to each other over the dinner table. how would last night’s conversation had gone? like this, I’m sure:

“who did you meet with today, honey?”

“who the fuck cares.”

here’s the other embarrassing thing Donny did yesterday: he slapped a 50% tariff on Brazil. why, is it because we have that big a trade deficit with Brazil? fuck no. in fact, we have a trade SURPLUS with Brazil.

oh, huh. then why hit Brazil with punitive tariffs, if we’re running a surplus?

this is why: because Donny’s in a Big Mad because Brazil is prosecuting his despot bestie Jair Bolsonaro.

after losing his reelection bid in 2020, Bolsonaro tried to pull off his own January 6, and failed miserably — and because Brazil apparently doesn’t live in the same shittiest possible timeline that we do, they actually arrested Bolsonaro and are trying him for his crimes.

now, Bolsonaro doesn’t have his own Supreme Court to anoint him a Very Special Boy Who Can January 6 His Own Country — but he does have his very own Mad King Donnie, and Donny’s gonna tariff the bejeesus out of Brazil if they don’t cut that shit out.

Donny trying to impose American-style corruption onto a law-abiding nation is embarrassing enough, but what’s reallyembarrassing is the letter Donny sent to Brazilian President da Silva.

look at this incoherent piece of shit, with it oddball random capitalization, and fifth-grade-level vocabulary.

so unfair! so unfair! whines Donny, because of course he does.

The way that Brazil has treated former President Bolsonaro, a Highly Respected Leader throughout the World during his Term, including by the United States, is an international disgrace. This Trial should not be taking place. It is a Witch Hunt that should end IMMEDIATELY!

look at how it closes, above that psychotic Klan-hood signature of his.

You will never be disappointed with the United States of America.

spoiler alert: yes, we will be. yes, we are.

Thank you for your attention to this matter!

fuck off.

it’s all so embarrassing.

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

spare some thoughts and prayers for MAGA, they’re going through some things right now.

it turns out that Dear Leader and his minions are lying to them. or maybe Dear Leader and his minions had been lying to them in the past, but are now telling the truth. or maybe they were lying back then and are still lying now. or maybe— fuck it, my head hurts. let’s just dive head-first into this mess.

here’s a thing that we definitely all heard Pam Bondi say last February.

Fox: “the DOJ may be releasing the list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients? will that really happen?”
Pam Bondi: “it’s sitting on my desk right now to review. that’s been a directive by President Trump. I’m reviewing that.”

“it’s sitting on my desk right now.” keep that line in your mind as you read on.

now, here’s a super-cool thing that President Donny once said about Jeffrey Epstein.

“I’ve known Jeff [Epstein] for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.”

Jeffrey Epstein is, of course, the fuckface pedophile rapist who liked to host parties for his fuckface pedophile rapist friends, during which under-aged girls were — you guessed it — raped. Epstein would fly his fuckface pedophile rapist friends around in a private jet that was nicknamed the Lolita Express, because of course it was. everyone involved in this story fucking sucks.

Epstein got arrested in 2019 for being a fuckface pedophile rapist, and then, while in jail awaiting trial, either epsteined himself, or got epsteined by a person or persons unknown. we’ll never know exactly what happened, because the video camera that was trained on Epstein’s cell twenty-four hours a day magically stopped running for a minute, and when it started back up again, Epstein was on the wrong side of dead.

by the way, after Epstein got arrested, Donny changed his story. Epstein was no longer his great friend. the new fairy tale was that Donny barely knew the guy, and never liked him, and they hardly ever hung out — which is weird, because there are more photos of Donny and Epstein together than there are of Donny with his own son Barron.

look at these two homeys who barely know each other. they sure act like complete strangers, don’t they?

anyhoo, it has long been rumored that Epstein kept a ‘client list’ of all the fuckface pedophile rapist friends who partied with him. that’s the list that Pam Bondi insisted was ‘on her desk’ last February.

one of Donny’s campaign promises was that he was going to release that list. that promise was red meat for the cultists, because supposedly the list was being suppressed by all the Democrats who were on it, and Donny was at long last going to expose them all.

it’s here that I must state that if there actually is a ‘client list,’ everyone on it — Democrat or Republican — should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

in March — a month after Pam Bondi assured us that the Epstein client list was ‘on her desk’ — a bunch of MAGA influencers were invited to the White House and were all given binders that were labeled “The Epstein Files, Part 1.”

it was a complete dog-and-pony show. there was nothing new in the binders, just a rehash of material that had already been made public. but don’t worry, the White House told the influencers, Part 2 is going to have all the good stuff in it. you’re going to finally see that client list that’s been on Pam Bondi’s desk.

all of this winding-up of the cultists is super fucking weird, considering that two days ago, the DOJ completely changed their tune and announced that there never was a client list, and Jeffrey Epstein epsteined himself.

and now, every cultist is all what the fucking fuck?

in fact, all of us are asking what the fucking fuck? because we all heard Pam Bondi say that the client list was ‘on her desk,’ and that she had a directive from Donny to ‘review it.’

even Fox News lapdog Peter Doocy wants to know what the fucking fuck?

Doocy: “so what happened to the Epstein client list that the attorney general said she had on her desk?”
Leavitt: “I think if you go back and look at what the attorney general said—”
Doocy: “I’ve got the quote. she said, ‘it’s sitting on my desk right now to review.’”

pro tip: if Peter Doocy is using you as a chew toy, you just might be shit at your job.

so, who told the DOJ to change its story, after months of stringing the cultists on? was it someone whose name rhymes with Ronald Blump?

did Ronald Blump suddenly remember that his name is on the list, and maybe it wasn’t a good idea to release it? we’ll never know. all we can do is speculate.

I’m not a conspiracy guy, but I do know when I’m being fed bullshit.

one thing is for certain — Ronald Blump sure seems interested in changing the subject.

reporter: “could you say why there’s a minute missing from the jailhouse tape?”
Pam Bondi: “sure. if I—”
Donny, cutting her off: “could I just interrupt for one second? are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? this guy’s been talked about for years. you’re asking— we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things— and, are people still talking about this guy?”

yes, Donny. people are still talking about ‘this guy’ — because as usual, none of your lies add up.

in the absence of facts, one thing we can do is mock all the dipshit cultists who just realized they got played.

Pizzagate Jack wants to know why, if there was no client list, Ghislaine Maxwell is still in jail.

so does Madge Three-Toes.

stop it, you two. you’re breaking our hearts.

then there’s the ‘why is the deep state doing this to Donny’ contingent, led by Fox News found object Jesse Watters.

it would break Jesse’s brain to admit that Dear Leader has any culpability in the disappearing of the list, so he has to pretend that the DEEP STATE is in the room with us right now.

wait, it gets better: roasted ball-sack aficionado Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson knows the real reason the Deep State destroyed the list.

According to Carlson, the government was actually hiding Epstein’s black book because it would reveal his involvement with American and Israeli spy agencies.

so move over, Deep State, because American and Israeli spy agencies are also in the room with us right now. it’s getting fucking crowded in here.

oh no, Donny — you’ve lost Roseanne Barr.

she’s this close to getting it.

oh gee, did Roger Stone just out himself as being on the client list?

Roger, why so upset? no one mentioned your name — except you.

also, you’ve got to love all the cultists asking “Pam Bondi, who are you protecting?”

you dumb fucknuts, who do you think Pam Bondi is protecting? she only works for one person, you know.

or does she?

now get ready for the Crowning Moment of Dumb-ass.

so, for those of you keeping score at home, it’s the Deep State, American and Israeli spy agencies, QAnon, Pam Bondi, the media, and a five-dimensional chess board who are all in the room with us right now.

I gotta step out for a moment. I need some fresh air.

the one person in all this who has been unafraid to point his finger at Donny is, of course, the Space Nazi.

but Elon has his own problems right now.

it seems that in his quest to get his own AI, Grok, to stop being so goddamned woke all the time, he over-corrected — and yesterday, Grok spent the entire afternoon tweeting out pro-Hitler messages.

Grok even started calling itself “MechaHitler.”

gosh, it’s hard to believe that the guy who sieg-heiled to commemorate Donny’s inauguration would turn his AI into a pro-Hitler chatbot.

how did we Nazi this coming?

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Tuesday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

here’s a fun thing that Republicans can do right now: go fuck themselves.

oh look, Texas’ doughiest pantload, the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun, has found himself a camera to stand in front of.

“I talked about the partisan finger-pointing … just immediately trying to use it, for either side to attack their political opponents, I think that’s cynical and not the right approach.”

okay. on the one hand, Ted is not entirely wrong, about knee-jerk finger-pointing from ‘either side.’ but on the other hand — hey, Ted, is this you?

in today’s Verdict With Ted Cruz podcast, we break down the catastrophic policy decisions made by elected politicians in California, made by Governor Gavin Newsom, made by Mayor Karen Bass … they put politics over the safety of the men and women in California..”

that video was posted on January 10, 2025, while parts of Los Angeles were burning to the ground. fires were still raging, but Ted Cruz couldn’t wait to politicize the shit out of that tragedy. he dove head-first into partisan finger-pointing with the same vigor he displays when elbowing his way to the front of an all-you-can-eat buffet in Cancun.

in fact, every Republican joined the let’s blame Democrats pile-on — and it wasn’t even legitimate criticism. it was the dumbest fucking hallucinatory bullshit imaginable.

Los Angeles, they said, burned down because of all the woke. because of diversity. because the Fire Commissioner was a woman. the horror! because mean old Gavin Newsom refused to open that imaginary faucet in Canada, causing all the fire hydrants to run dry.

fact check: it was a hurricane made of fucking fire.

those were 98-mile-per-hour winds that the LA Fire Department were dealing with.

where was Ted Cruz’s tut-tutting about let’s not engage in partisan finger-pointing when the Space Nazi not-tweeted this:

Libs of TikTok: “The LA Fire Dept passed a ‘racial equity plan’ to end ‘systemic, institutional, and structural racism’ in LA.”
Space Nazi: “They prioritized DEI over saving lives and homes.”

racism doesn’t get more racist than ‘LA burned because they let those peoplebe firefighters.’

where was Ted Cruz’s outrage when Fox News found object Jesse Waters shit his vile misogyny right into the waiting mouths of his audience?

“this right here, ladies and gentlemen, this is the leadership of the LA Fire Department. I sure hope they know what they’re doing.”

I guess Ted was too busy recording his own worthless podcast to notice.

and let us not forget President Stupid J. Fuckingmoron’s obsession with that imaginary spigot, which in this instance had apparently migrated from Canada to northern California.

“Governor Gavin Newscum should immediately go to Northern California and open up the water main, and let the water flow into his dry, starving, burning State, instead of having it go out into the Pacific Ocean. It ought to be done right now, NO MORE EXCUSES FROM THIS INCOMPETENT GOVERNOR. IT’S ALREADY FAR TOO LATE!”

remember the extortion racket that Republicans tried to pull, while the fires were still raging?

that was the genius plan of some fuckface congressman from Ohio. he wanted to punish every Californian by withholding aid unless Gavin Newsom personally raked every forest. all Republicans — including Fidel Cancun — were on board with that.

you want partisan finger-pointing? every time there’s a natural disaster in a Democratic-run state, Republicans use it as a chance to air grievances and settle scores.

here’s a golden oldie from 2018, during the Mad King’s first reign.

Mark Harvey, who was Trump’s senior director for resilience policy on the National Security Council staff, told E&E News on Wednesday that Trump initially refused to approve disaster aid for California after deadly wildfires in 2018 because of the state’s Democratic leanings.

in this instance, Donny wasn’t even trying to get California to change its policies. he just wanted to inflict pain on people he imagined didn’t vote for him, because fuck you, that’s why.

Donny’s appalled staff had to literally draw him a picture that showed that Orange County had in fact more Republicans than Democrats among its residents.

But Harvey said Trump changed his mind after Harvey pulled voting results to show him that heavily damaged Orange County, California, had more Trump supporters than the entire state of Iowa.

how presidential.

so please, tell me one more time how Democrats trying to figure out what went wrong during a tragedy where over a hundred people diedare engaging in partisan finger-pointing. that’s such a cute story.

Ted Cruz — and every Republican whining about politicizing the Texas flooding — can shut the fuck up.

oh, by the way, get a load of this: do you know where Ted Cruz was when disaster struck in Texas? he was vacationing in Greece.

Cruz was spotted Saturday visiting the Parthenon in the Greek capital of Athens along with his wife Heidi and their kids, according to the online news site. Back in his home state, emergency personnel searched for missing children swept away in the floodwaters of the Guadalupe River.

to be fair, this is just bad timing.

unlike the Cancun episode, when Cruz fled the country after the power grid failed in Texas, Ted and his family were already out of town when the waters rose. that’s not his fault — but how does this guy manage to always be somewhere else when shit goes sideways?

doesn’t he have a job?

yesterday, Donny got to have a playdate with his despot bestie Netanyahu — and he got to bring his Emotional Support Dunk-Tank Clown with him.

let’s listen in as the Mad King once again tells the heartwarming story of how Iran was courteous enough to schedule their bombing of an American military base so that didn’t get in the way of Dear Leader’s golf game.

“and you know we were, at the end, missiles were shot, and every single missile was shot out of the air, it was pretty amazing. that was sort of the end. and they told us they were coming and where they were and what time they were coming. and they said ‘if you’d like to have a different time, we’ll do that.’ and that’s respect, when they do that, I believe. I appreciated that they did that.”

this is at least the fourth time that Donny has publicly told this shameful story of how he gave an adversary permission to bomb the shit out of us.

I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have a president who, when asked if one o’clock was a good time to have our military base attacked with deadly force, answered how about never? would never be a good time for you?

but what the fuck is going on with Donny’s face? look at this half-assed job he’s done of tarting himself up. the makeup stops well before his hairline. he’s given himself raccoon eyes, and he didn’t even try to cover his chin.

Donny insists on doing his own makeup — but he’s deteriorated to the point where he routinely fucks it up, just like he routinely fucks everything up.

Donny’s quickly approaching Bette-Davis-in-Whatever-Happened-to-Baby-Jane territory —

and we’re all just expected to ignore the fact that the Emperor has no brain.

this really is the stupidest possible timeline.

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

Posted on

Land of the WHAT?

We didn’t do any of this in America because everyone is focused on being so rich they can buy a small country or six yatchs instead of making sure everyone is safe and cared for.

Posted on

Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Mad King Donny — the total obliterator who once totally obliterated five Atlantic City casinos — has returned to an old goal: to totally obliterate any dissent from the press. to accomplish that, he’s picked the Fox News chat show host who’s spent many a night totally obliterating his liquor cabinet on the way to getting himself totally fucking obliterated.

Donny commanded Pete Kegstand to hold a press conference yesterday, at the ungodly hour of 8am — totally obliterating any chance for Plastered Pete to sleep off his total obliteration from the night before.

Pete was not in a good mood. check out Old Yeller, as he totally obliterates any notion that he wasn’t up there performing for an audience of one: Dear Leader, who was back in the White House, watching it all on TV.

“President Trump directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history, and it was a resounding success resulting in a ceasefire agreement and the end of the 12-day war.”

wait, Donny directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history?

fact check: true.

that’s right, Donny traveled back in time, like the Terminator, and nailed the shit out of D-Day.

D-Day, the June 6, 1944, Allied invasion of France, took a year of planning, involved 156,000 Allied soldiers and 195,700 naval personnel, and required cooperation of leaders from thirteen countries. It remains the largest seaborne invasion in history.

then he thanked everyone for their attention to that matter, and returned to the present in time to catch himself on Fox News.

Donny knows more about D-ing a day than all the D-Dayers — and you ungrateful fucks won’t give him one ounce of credit for it.

but let’s get back to our current shitty timeline — because we’re all trying to square in our minds this claim of absolute secrecy, when in reality, President Blabbermouth spent so much time yammering about US plans that Iran was able to move all their enriched uranium to who the fuck even knows where.

reporters wanted to know about that thing we definitely all saw: the satellite images of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.


even Fox News was all ‘hey Pete, how can you be so sure that Iran hadn’t moved and hidden all their enriched uranium?’

‘shut the fuck up,’ Pete helpfully explained.

Fox News’ Jennifer Griffin: “it’s about highly-enriched uranium. do you have certainty that all the highly-enriched uranium was inside the Fordo mountain, or some of it, because there are satellite photos showed more than a dozen trucks there, two days in advance. are you certain none of that highly enriched uranium was moved?”

Pete: “Jennifer, you’ve been about the worst. the one who misrepresents the most. intentionally.”

Griffin: “I take issue with that.”

here’s reporter Kyle Clark’s comment on that exchange.

“When an official responds to a question with anger and insults rather than an answer, that’s every journalist’s signal that they’ve asked a good question.”

by the way, the Mad King has his own explanation of what was going in those satellite images — and please sit down, because this is going to be one of the dumbest fucking things you’ll ever read.

“The cars and small trucks at the site were those of concrete workers trying to cover up the top of the shafts. Nothing was taken out of facility. Would take too long, too dangerous, and very heavy and hard to move!”

wait, what? concrete workers, doing what? covering up the holes in the ground? why? so the bombs wouldn’t go down the holes? the bombs that the Iranians didn’t know were coming, because the whole operation was the most secretive secret ever secreted?

does Donny ever listen to the shit that falls out of his own mouth?

tell me, do you think Donny came up with that bullshit story all on his own? or did Donny wave that satellite photo in the air and demand an answer, and one of the Sewer Clowns sat him down and made up that fairy tale, while Donny nodded sagely and took it all in?

now tell me, which is the scarier explanation?

oh, and Donny also knows who the leakers are.

“The Democrats are the ones who leaked the information on the PERFECT FLIGHT to the Nuclear Sites in Iran. They should be prosecuted!”

oh, okay. are the Democrats in the room with us right now?

Plastered Pete never answered Fox News reporter Jennifer Griffin’s question about those satellite images — because he wasn’t there to answer any stinking questions. he was there yell, to hector, and, above all, to whine about how mean everybody always is to Dear Leader.

“because you — and I mean specifically you, the press — because you cheer against Trump so hard. it’s like in your DNA and in your blood to cheer against Trump, because you want him not to be successful so bad, you have to cheer against the efficacy of these strikes. you have to hope maybe they weren’t effective … and manipulate the public mind over whether or not our brave pilots were successful.”

for fuck’s sake, could this administration please stop trying to pretend this is about the bravery of the pilots. this is about knowing the truth about one thing only: is our country more safe, or less safe, as a result of this bombing?

don’t fucking lie right to our faces, because what’s at stake is our national security — which should be more important than stroking ego of the fragile shitbag in the Oval Office. but unfortunately, to this gang of fucksticks, it isn’t.

this incompetent fool has a lot of goddamned gall lecturing anyone about how to do their jobs. really, we should all be thankful that Fumblefingers Pete didn’t text plans for the Iran bombing to a journalist — or to his wife.

wait. how do we know Pete didn’t blab Iran attack plans to his wife?

by the way, nice hair, Pete. you’ve totally obliterated the notion that the makeup studio you built in the Pentagon wasn’t worth the thousands of dollars you spent on it.

oh, and Mission Accomplished.

“One of the greatest, most professional, and most ‘confirming’ News Conferences I have ever seen! The Fake News should fire everyone involved in this Witch Hunt, and apologize to our great warriors, and everyone else!”

it all just one big performative circle-jerk to these clowns.

here’s your hero of the day: the Netherlands’ Queen Maxima, who met Donny prior to Tuesday’s NATO meeting, took look one look at his rancid anus-mouth and totally mocked the shit out of it — because when you’re a queen, they let you.

uck yeah — let’s slow it down and gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

 

Posted on

Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

barely a month ago, America’s Mad King was zipping around the Gulf, scooping up tribute — a vulgar flying bordello here, a mobile burger truck there — as amirs and crown princes jockeyed to curry favor.

when Donny spoke, people fucking well listened!

now it’s all gone to shit. nobody pays attention to the Mad King any more. world leaders have figured out they can get along just fine without him.as a result, he can’t do trade deals. he can’t end wars. Donny can’t even arrange a ceasefire between his butt and his diaper.

look at how mad the Mad King is. he’s a frustrated little rageaholic. let’s watch him melt down after Israel and Iran were all ‘ceasefire this, pal,’ when he begged them to stop bombing the shit out of each other.

“Israel, as soon as we made the deal, they came out and they dropped a load of bombs the likes of which I’ve never seen before. the biggest load that we’ve seen.”

no, Donny. you’re the biggest load that we’ve seen. but please, do go on.

“I’m not happy with Israel. you know, when I say, ‘okay, you have twelve hours,’ you don’t go out in the first hour, just drop everything you have on them. so I’m not happy with them, I’m not happy with Iran, either. but I’m really unhappy if Israel’s going out this morning, because the one rocket that didn’t land, that was shot, perhaps by mistake, that didn’t land. I’m not happy about that. you know what? we basically have two countries that have been fighting so long, so hard, that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”

bro, u mad?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and posit that Israel and Iran know exactly what the fuck they’re doing, and it’s Donny who never knows what the fuck he’s doing.

presidents dropping f-bombs, it must be said, should be a big bowl of so fucking what. in case you haven’t noticed, people fucking swear — but I need to point that a couple years ago, after it was reported that Joe Biden cussed like a sailor in meetings, every Republican clutched their pearls and fainted dead away.

naturally, they tried and failed to blow it up into a scandal.

anyway, back to Donny. in that clip above, the Mad King was on his way to a NATO summit in The Hague.

(yes, I know — the only reason Donny should be in The Hague is to stand trial for his crimes. but unfortunately, that’s not the timeline we’re living in.)

that NATO summit is just getting underway, as I write this — and by the time you read these words, the summit will have ended, and Donny will be on his way back to the White House.

now, I can hear you asking: but Uncle Jeff, aren’t NATO summits usually three-day affairs? why is this one only a few hours long?

the answer is simply this: this summit is only hours-long because Donald J. Trump is an asshole.

Nato has cut back the upcoming leaders’ summit to just one working session to avoid Trump walking out early as he did recently at a G7 meeting. Originally supposed to take place over three days, the summit will be limited to just a two-and-a-half hour working session among the 32 leaders.

The decision was taken to ensure Trump did not get bored and leave early, three officials briefed on the preparations told the Financial Times.

holy shit. nobody wanted a repeat of what happened at the G7 last week, when the narcoleptic old fart factory fell asleep — and probably filled the meeting room with the pungent aroma of ass music.

dammit, Donny, we beg of you — CEASE FIRE.

and then, of course, Donny left early, in a big huff — the official story being that he had to rush home so he could END ALL WARS FOREVER. the real story that eventually came out was that if Donny had stuck around, he would have had to rub elbows with the G7’s guest of honor, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. the horror. the horror.

there’s your Dear Leader, cultists. aren’t you proud? he’s such an unpleasant son of a bitch that no world leader wants him around. NATO switched around their whole schedule just to get him the fuck out of their sight as quickly as possible.

it’s all so embarrassing.

 

apparently, Donny was in a pretty good mood by the time his plane landed in The Hague. his plan was to saunter into that NATO meeting as if he were God’s own gift to the world, puff out his chest, and brag about having blown Iran’s nuclear fuel program back into the stone age — but then word got out that yeah, no, none of that shit was true.

The report’s finding, while preliminary, was particularly damaging because it emerged from inside the Pentagon, which had carried out the strikes, and it concluded that the military action had only set Iran’s nuclear program back by a number of months.

in the end, it was just another adventure in clownfuckery by Team Donny. first we find out that because Donny couldn’t stop running his rancid anus-mouth, Iran had enough advance warning to hide their enriched uranium — and now we find out that all those multimillion dollar bunker-buster bombs barely busted any bunkers after all.

this is what happens when you put a Fox News dunk-tank clown in charge of the military, and then that same dunk-tank clown fires everyone in the Pentagon who would have known how to get that shit done.

Donny was livid — but not with Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, for being a fuck-up. he was mad at the media, for reporting the truth.

“it’s gone for years. years. very tough to rebuild because the whole thing is collapsed. in other words, inside, it’s all collapsed. nobody can get in to see it, because it’s collapsed. it’s a room that has ten million tons of rock in it.”

fact check: Donny is making shit up. he’s living in a narcoleptic fart-enhanced dream world, and contradicting his own Pentagon’s reportthat Iran’s nuke program has been set back ‘only a few months.’ apparently, Donny knows more about collapsed rocks than all the rock collapsers.

“this was an unbelievable hit by genius pilots, and genius people in the military.”

fact check:

“and they’re not being given credit for it because we have scum. CNN is scum. MSDNC is scum. the New York Times is scum. they’re bad people. they’re sick.”

bro, u still mad?

here are your heroes of the day: the voters of New York City.

with 93% of the votes counted, Zohran Mamdani — a genuine progressive — appears set to win the Democratic primary for Mayor of NYC.

Zohran Mamdani, a little-known state lawmaker whose progressive platform and campaign trail charisma electrified younger voters, stunned former Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo in the Democratic primary for mayor of New York City on Tuesday night, building a lead so commanding that Mr. Cuomo conceded.

props must be given to Andrew Cuomo, for surprising the hell out of everybody by graciously conceding defeat last night.

Fox News, of course, is already trying to terrify their viewers with visions of the communist hellhole that a Mamdanified New York City will become.

look at all this scary shit.

building affordable housing! providing free mass transit! protecting LGBTQIA+ rights! raising the minimum wage! telling ICE to fuck all the way off!

don’t threaten us with a good time, Fox.

 

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Tuesday Madness Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich

welcome to the dumbest fucking twenty-four hours in the history of United States foreign policy.

before we try to make sense of the stupid shit that happened yesterday, let’s back it up a bit. remember that bombing mission that set off this whole shit-blizzard of clownfuckery? all those big bunker busters that Donny was so horny to drop on Iran? it turns out that almost none of that mission’s objectives were accomplished by the bombing.

why? because Donny is a blabbermouth.

it turns out that Donny spent so much time over the last few weeks flapping his rancid anus-mouth about how he was going to settle Iran’s hash that Iran was all ‘hey, you know what? we should probably hide our stockpile of enriched uranium.’

and guess fucking what: that’s exactly what they did.

According to the IAEA’s Grossi, Iran moved their stockpile of enriched uranium from the sites targeted by the US before the attack. This includes “400 kilograms, or roughly 880 pounds, of uranium enriched to 60 percent purity.” The material is “stored in special casks small enough to fit in the trunks of about 10 cars.”

here’s a satellite image of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.

and now the US has no idea where Iran stashed their near-weapons-grade shit.

awesome job, motormouth.

so, on to current events. settle in, because we got an entire year’s worth of batfuckery packed into about eighteen hours.

here’s the first item on the shit that went down list.

Iran launched missiles at a US military base in Qatar on Monday, in what it said was retaliation for American strikes against its nuclear sites over the weekend.

Witnesses reported hearing loud bangs in the sky above the capital, Doha, while videos showed bright flashes in the sky as air defense systems attempted to intercept missiles.

well, that seemed pretty serious — but it turns out that Iran was just doing Big Bomb Kabuki.

It became apparent soon afterwards that Iran had given warning that it was preparing to launch missiles. Three Iranian officials quoted by the New York Times said that Tehran had told Doha of its intentions, as a way to minimize casualties.

this was all Donny needed to clear off a spot on his mantel for that Nobel Peace Prize, and declare himself the Greatest Peacemaker of All Time.

but here’s the not-tweet that really cranked the crazy into high gear: Donny decreed that an immediate ceasefire was now in effect.

awesome! but also not awesome! here’s a pro tip for DONALD J. TRUMP, DUMB-ASS PRESIDENT: when brokering a ceasefire, it’s probably a good idea to get the countries who are lobbing missiles at each other involved in the process — because both Iran and Israel were all ‘huh? what the fuck are you babbling about, old man?’

the Foreign Minister of Iran confirmed this on not-twitter.

how fucking delusional is Mad King Donny that he just assumed he could bark STOP WARRING and everyone would snap to attention?dude, this isn’t like pressing that button on your desk that makes Walt Nauta come running with a Diet Coke. these are sovereign nations.

I love that Donny thinks he can just yell shit.

in fact, Israel was in the middle of raining down bombs on Tehran at the same time Donny was declaring that war was over and now everyone loves each other — and they, too, were all ‘what ceasefire?’

can I just point out how infuckingsane it is that three countries are bickering at each other on social media?

oh, and speaking of infuckingsane, check out this big bowl of holy shit.

Did I hear Former President Medvedev, from Russia, casually throwing around the “N word” (Nuclear!), and saying that he and other Countries would supply Nuclear Warheads to Iran? Did he really say that or, is it just a figment of my imagination? If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY.

what is Donny threatening to do here? and did Donny really just appeal to the dipshit users of his janky app to help him gather intel?

doesn’t Donny have an entire Department of National Intelligence to do that for him? or has he stopped talking to Tulsi Gabbard?

this became the template for the day: Donny would mouth-fart some crazypants shit onto his hellhole app — and then five minutes later, Iran or Israel would deny whatever had been mouth-farted. it devolved into farce — and the media twisted themselves into fucking knots, trying to keep up.

you know, a lot of things in this world have never happened, and here’s something that never happened the most.

Donny, we need more info here. are Israel and Iran in the room with us right now? are they big and strong? are tears of gratitude running down their cheeks as they say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever brokered peace like you! how do you do it? sir!’

Iran turned the tables on Donny and gave him a bit of his own medicine, claiming it was he who came begging to them.

are you confused yet? it’s okay, so are the rest of us.

through all of this, was Donny conferring with his NatSec and DOD people? fuck no, he was watching TV, to see how he was being covered on Fox News.

priorities!

through all of this, Donny keep farting out batshit not-tweets.

he also took a minute off to scream at the oil industry.

and the Department of Energy.

fun true fact: the DOE has nothing to do with oil extraction. that’s the Department of the Interior’s purview. but don’t bother telling that to Donny. he’s having such a good time ranting and raving, let’s not spoil his fun.

by the way, in the middle of all of this, The New York Times decided to commit a journalism, and do a little bomb-dropping of their own.

here’s why our manbaby-in-chief decided to wade into the Iran-Israel conflict: he saw how well it was playing on Fox News and he decided he wanted a piece of the action.

The president was closely monitoring Fox News, which was airing wall-to-wall praise of Israel’s military operation and featuring guests urging Mr. Trump to get more involved.

…

Later that day, Mr. Trump asked an ally how the Israeli strikes were “playing.” He said that “everyone” was telling him he needed to get more involved.

elect a reality-show president, get a reality-show war.

finally, at 1:08 in the morning, Donny posted that THE CEASEFIRE IS IN EFFECT, AND THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT.

but because Donny forgot to end his not-tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, the ceasefire was not legally binding — so of course you’ll never guess what happened next.

and that is the situation we all woke up to this morning.

right now, as I’m writing this, it’s 9:22am EDT, we still don’t have an actual ceasefire — and Preznit Fuckwit is still yelling at clouds.

and — oh look! — Donny continues to hallucinate fever-dream ceasefires.

what the fuck is a ‘friendly plane wave’? I’m guessing it involves dropping more bombs, because that’s exactly what happened next.

because of course they did. nobody listens to the befuddled old man, shouting into his phone. why should they? he’s a joke — an international laughingstock.

Donny’s on a plane right now, headed to a NATO meeting. let’s all hope to fuck that he goes sleepy-bye during the flight, and gives us a few hours of peace and quiet. because holy shit. that was a day.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

https://youtu.be/NZgiYjrE3YY?si=8LjQTIh4uaJ2GG2S

NEW: Activists unveiled a giant banner at the Piazza San Marco in Venice, Italy ahead of Jeff Bezos’ wedding, reading “If you can rent Venice for your wedding you can pay more tax”

truer words.