Category: FUCK TRUMP

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Monday Madness From Mr. Tiedrich

as news of the tragedy in Texas unfolded, the President of the United States was in his White House command center, meeting with a team of experts who had been hastily summoned to Washington.

oh, who we kidding here? Donny spent the entire weekend at his New Jersey ex-wife cemetery, cheating at golf.

nonetheless, the President’s message was clear: I take full responsibility for what has occurred, and will take every measure necessary to ensure that something like this never happens again.

again, who are we kidding here? the message that Donny farted out of his rancid anus-mouth was ‘none of this is my fault.’

reporter: “do you think the federal government needs to hire back any of the meteorologists who were fired?”

Donny: “I wouldn’t know that. I would think not. this was a thing that happened in seconds. no one expected it. nobody saw it. very talented people are there, they didn’t see it. it’s I guess they said once in a hundred years, you’ve never seen anything like this.”

fact check: piss straight up a rope, Donny. you are useless. you are absolutely useless. you are as useless as a marzipan dildo.

Heather Cox Richardson, could you please explain to Donny why, as usual, he’s completely fucking wrong about everything.

Former National Weather Service officials maintain the forecasts were as accurate as possible and noted the storm escalated abruptly. They told Christopher Flavelle of the New York Times that the problem appeared to be that NWS had lost the staffers who would typically communicate with local authorities to spread the word of dangerous conditions. Molly Taft at Wired confirmed that NWS published flash flood warnings but safety officials didn’t send out public warnings until hours later.

got that, Donny? the Nat Weather Service did an amazing job, given the resources they had to work with. so stop whining that it’s so sad, it’s so sad, nobody could have seen it coming.

maybe if Chainsaw McFuckfuck hadn’t chainsawed the fuck out of the NWS, perhaps there would have been enough people in the office to, y’know, adequately warn everyone who needed to be warned.

anyway, why are you reporters still pestering Donny about this? didn’t he just tell you that one of this shit was his fault? you do know who’s fault it is, don’t you? of course you do. his name rhymes with Joe Biden.

reporter: “are you investigating whether some of the cuts to the federal government left key vacancies at the national weather service?”

Donny: “they didn’t, I’ll tell you, uh, if you look at that, that water situation that all is and that was really the Biden setup. that was not our setup. but I wouldn’t blame Biden for it either.”

dafuk?

in the same breath, Donny tells us it’s Biden’s fault, but he wouldn’t blame Biden — even though he just did blame Biden. how does that work? Donny really fucking sucks at Jedi mind tricks, because no one except the cultists is falling for that bullshit.

but really, I need to know more about this ‘water situation’ that Donny insists is a ‘Biden setup.’ what ‘situation’ is that? does Donny mean the ‘situation’ where water falls out of the sky, really hard? is that Joe Biden’s fault?

Donny really doesn’t understand how water works, does he. all he knows is that there’s a situation. oh, and there’s also some ginormous fucking faucet in Canada that controls all of California’s water.

and he knows the hurricane that devastated Puerto Rico during his first presidency was “from a standpoint of water, really wet.” oh, and he couldn’t do anything to help Puerto Rico, because the ocean was in the way.

oh, and Donny also knows that you can force a hurricane to follow the path of a sharpie, if you wish really hard.

it turns out that I’ve been wrong all along when I’ve been saying that Donny has a toddler’s understanding of the world. it wasn’t fair of me to say that, because what Donny actually has is an infant’s understanding of the world.

oh, speaking of that ginormous fucking faucet that absolutely exists in Canada — remember when Los Angeles burned to the ground and Donny tortured Gavin Newsom over it, blaming him for running California like some commie rat bastard, and threatening to withhold disaster relief funds until Newsom opened that imaginary faucet?

well, it’s really weird that Donny pulled none of that shit with Greg Abbott, the razor-wire torture-trap aficionado who runs Texas. he signed an emergency relief declaration for Texas almost immediately. just a coincidence, I guess.

I guess if Gavin Newsom wanted that kind of preferential treatment, he should have volunteered to open up an Avocado Alcatraz. or maybe the actual Alcatraz, since it’s in his state.

hey, you know who else is just as useless as a marzipan dildo?

House Speaker Marzipan McDildo.

Shannon Bream: “state and federal resources have just poured into that area. is there anything more that can be done congressionally, legislatively, to help these folks?”

Holy Mike Johnson: “in a moment like this, we feel just as helpless as everyone else does … all we know to do at this moment is pray.”

you know what my father would have said to Holy Mike? shit into one hand, pray into the other. see which one fills up first.

come on, reporters. why are you bothering Holy Mike, when he’s busy praying? it’s not like he can do anything about the situation. it’s not like he’s a member of government. it’s not as if he wields the Speaker’s gavel. it’s not like he could have wadded up any of the Mad King’s unconstitutional executive orders, and declared he was using his congressional power to override them. it’s not as if he could have told the Space Nazi to put down his chainsaw and get his pimply incel DOGE dipshits the fuck out of town. it’s not as if he could have told Donny to shove his big, beautiful bill up his ass, and announced that he wasn’t going to vote to fund any of that Police State bullshit.

oh wait, Holy Mike Johnson could have done all those things. he just chose not to. because he’s useless.

how useless is Holy Mike? repeat after me:

oh look, Donny and the Space Nazi are fighting again.

here’s a thing Elon posted to his shithole Nazi-bar app.

it’s fucking heartbreaking.

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Land of the WHAT?

We didn’t do any of this in America because everyone is focused on being so rich they can buy a small country or six yatchs instead of making sure everyone is safe and cared for.

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Friday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

Mad King Donny — the total obliterator who once totally obliterated five Atlantic City casinos — has returned to an old goal: to totally obliterate any dissent from the press. to accomplish that, he’s picked the Fox News chat show host who’s spent many a night totally obliterating his liquor cabinet on the way to getting himself totally fucking obliterated.

Donny commanded Pete Kegstand to hold a press conference yesterday, at the ungodly hour of 8am — totally obliterating any chance for Plastered Pete to sleep off his total obliteration from the night before.

Pete was not in a good mood. check out Old Yeller, as he totally obliterates any notion that he wasn’t up there performing for an audience of one: Dear Leader, who was back in the White House, watching it all on TV.

“President Trump directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history, and it was a resounding success resulting in a ceasefire agreement and the end of the 12-day war.”

wait, Donny directed the most complex and secretive military operation in history?

fact check: true.

that’s right, Donny traveled back in time, like the Terminator, and nailed the shit out of D-Day.

D-Day, the June 6, 1944, Allied invasion of France, took a year of planning, involved 156,000 Allied soldiers and 195,700 naval personnel, and required cooperation of leaders from thirteen countries. It remains the largest seaborne invasion in history.

then he thanked everyone for their attention to that matter, and returned to the present in time to catch himself on Fox News.

Donny knows more about D-ing a day than all the D-Dayers — and you ungrateful fucks won’t give him one ounce of credit for it.

but let’s get back to our current shitty timeline — because we’re all trying to square in our minds this claim of absolute secrecy, when in reality, President Blabbermouth spent so much time yammering about US plans that Iran was able to move all their enriched uranium to who the fuck even knows where.

reporters wanted to know about that thing we definitely all saw: the satellite images of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.


even Fox News was all ‘hey Pete, how can you be so sure that Iran hadn’t moved and hidden all their enriched uranium?’

‘shut the fuck up,’ Pete helpfully explained.

Fox News’ Jennifer Griffin: “it’s about highly-enriched uranium. do you have certainty that all the highly-enriched uranium was inside the Fordo mountain, or some of it, because there are satellite photos showed more than a dozen trucks there, two days in advance. are you certain none of that highly enriched uranium was moved?”

Pete: “Jennifer, you’ve been about the worst. the one who misrepresents the most. intentionally.”

Griffin: “I take issue with that.”

here’s reporter Kyle Clark’s comment on that exchange.

“When an official responds to a question with anger and insults rather than an answer, that’s every journalist’s signal that they’ve asked a good question.”

by the way, the Mad King has his own explanation of what was going in those satellite images — and please sit down, because this is going to be one of the dumbest fucking things you’ll ever read.

“The cars and small trucks at the site were those of concrete workers trying to cover up the top of the shafts. Nothing was taken out of facility. Would take too long, too dangerous, and very heavy and hard to move!”

wait, what? concrete workers, doing what? covering up the holes in the ground? why? so the bombs wouldn’t go down the holes? the bombs that the Iranians didn’t know were coming, because the whole operation was the most secretive secret ever secreted?

does Donny ever listen to the shit that falls out of his own mouth?

tell me, do you think Donny came up with that bullshit story all on his own? or did Donny wave that satellite photo in the air and demand an answer, and one of the Sewer Clowns sat him down and made up that fairy tale, while Donny nodded sagely and took it all in?

now tell me, which is the scarier explanation?

oh, and Donny also knows who the leakers are.

“The Democrats are the ones who leaked the information on the PERFECT FLIGHT to the Nuclear Sites in Iran. They should be prosecuted!”

oh, okay. are the Democrats in the room with us right now?

Plastered Pete never answered Fox News reporter Jennifer Griffin’s question about those satellite images — because he wasn’t there to answer any stinking questions. he was there yell, to hector, and, above all, to whine about how mean everybody always is to Dear Leader.

“because you — and I mean specifically you, the press — because you cheer against Trump so hard. it’s like in your DNA and in your blood to cheer against Trump, because you want him not to be successful so bad, you have to cheer against the efficacy of these strikes. you have to hope maybe they weren’t effective … and manipulate the public mind over whether or not our brave pilots were successful.”

for fuck’s sake, could this administration please stop trying to pretend this is about the bravery of the pilots. this is about knowing the truth about one thing only: is our country more safe, or less safe, as a result of this bombing?

don’t fucking lie right to our faces, because what’s at stake is our national security — which should be more important than stroking ego of the fragile shitbag in the Oval Office. but unfortunately, to this gang of fucksticks, it isn’t.

this incompetent fool has a lot of goddamned gall lecturing anyone about how to do their jobs. really, we should all be thankful that Fumblefingers Pete didn’t text plans for the Iran bombing to a journalist — or to his wife.

wait. how do we know Pete didn’t blab Iran attack plans to his wife?

by the way, nice hair, Pete. you’ve totally obliterated the notion that the makeup studio you built in the Pentagon wasn’t worth the thousands of dollars you spent on it.

oh, and Mission Accomplished.

“One of the greatest, most professional, and most ‘confirming’ News Conferences I have ever seen! The Fake News should fire everyone involved in this Witch Hunt, and apologize to our great warriors, and everyone else!”

it all just one big performative circle-jerk to these clowns.

here’s your hero of the day: the Netherlands’ Queen Maxima, who met Donny prior to Tuesday’s NATO meeting, took look one look at his rancid anus-mouth and totally mocked the shit out of it — because when you’re a queen, they let you.

uck yeah — let’s slow it down and gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

 

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Midweek Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

barely a month ago, America’s Mad King was zipping around the Gulf, scooping up tribute — a vulgar flying bordello here, a mobile burger truck there — as amirs and crown princes jockeyed to curry favor.

when Donny spoke, people fucking well listened!

now it’s all gone to shit. nobody pays attention to the Mad King any more. world leaders have figured out they can get along just fine without him.as a result, he can’t do trade deals. he can’t end wars. Donny can’t even arrange a ceasefire between his butt and his diaper.

look at how mad the Mad King is. he’s a frustrated little rageaholic. let’s watch him melt down after Israel and Iran were all ‘ceasefire this, pal,’ when he begged them to stop bombing the shit out of each other.

“Israel, as soon as we made the deal, they came out and they dropped a load of bombs the likes of which I’ve never seen before. the biggest load that we’ve seen.”

no, Donny. you’re the biggest load that we’ve seen. but please, do go on.

“I’m not happy with Israel. you know, when I say, ‘okay, you have twelve hours,’ you don’t go out in the first hour, just drop everything you have on them. so I’m not happy with them, I’m not happy with Iran, either. but I’m really unhappy if Israel’s going out this morning, because the one rocket that didn’t land, that was shot, perhaps by mistake, that didn’t land. I’m not happy about that. you know what? we basically have two countries that have been fighting so long, so hard, that they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.”

bro, u mad?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and posit that Israel and Iran know exactly what the fuck they’re doing, and it’s Donny who never knows what the fuck he’s doing.

presidents dropping f-bombs, it must be said, should be a big bowl of so fucking what. in case you haven’t noticed, people fucking swear — but I need to point that a couple years ago, after it was reported that Joe Biden cussed like a sailor in meetings, every Republican clutched their pearls and fainted dead away.

naturally, they tried and failed to blow it up into a scandal.

anyway, back to Donny. in that clip above, the Mad King was on his way to a NATO summit in The Hague.

(yes, I know — the only reason Donny should be in The Hague is to stand trial for his crimes. but unfortunately, that’s not the timeline we’re living in.)

that NATO summit is just getting underway, as I write this — and by the time you read these words, the summit will have ended, and Donny will be on his way back to the White House.

now, I can hear you asking: but Uncle Jeff, aren’t NATO summits usually three-day affairs? why is this one only a few hours long?

the answer is simply this: this summit is only hours-long because Donald J. Trump is an asshole.

Nato has cut back the upcoming leaders’ summit to just one working session to avoid Trump walking out early as he did recently at a G7 meeting. Originally supposed to take place over three days, the summit will be limited to just a two-and-a-half hour working session among the 32 leaders.

The decision was taken to ensure Trump did not get bored and leave early, three officials briefed on the preparations told the Financial Times.

holy shit. nobody wanted a repeat of what happened at the G7 last week, when the narcoleptic old fart factory fell asleep — and probably filled the meeting room with the pungent aroma of ass music.

dammit, Donny, we beg of you — CEASE FIRE.

and then, of course, Donny left early, in a big huff — the official story being that he had to rush home so he could END ALL WARS FOREVER. the real story that eventually came out was that if Donny had stuck around, he would have had to rub elbows with the G7’s guest of honor, Volodymyr Zelenskyy. the horror. the horror.

there’s your Dear Leader, cultists. aren’t you proud? he’s such an unpleasant son of a bitch that no world leader wants him around. NATO switched around their whole schedule just to get him the fuck out of their sight as quickly as possible.

it’s all so embarrassing.

 

apparently, Donny was in a pretty good mood by the time his plane landed in The Hague. his plan was to saunter into that NATO meeting as if he were God’s own gift to the world, puff out his chest, and brag about having blown Iran’s nuclear fuel program back into the stone age — but then word got out that yeah, no, none of that shit was true.

The report’s finding, while preliminary, was particularly damaging because it emerged from inside the Pentagon, which had carried out the strikes, and it concluded that the military action had only set Iran’s nuclear program back by a number of months.

in the end, it was just another adventure in clownfuckery by Team Donny. first we find out that because Donny couldn’t stop running his rancid anus-mouth, Iran had enough advance warning to hide their enriched uranium — and now we find out that all those multimillion dollar bunker-buster bombs barely busted any bunkers after all.

this is what happens when you put a Fox News dunk-tank clown in charge of the military, and then that same dunk-tank clown fires everyone in the Pentagon who would have known how to get that shit done.

Donny was livid — but not with Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, for being a fuck-up. he was mad at the media, for reporting the truth.

“it’s gone for years. years. very tough to rebuild because the whole thing is collapsed. in other words, inside, it’s all collapsed. nobody can get in to see it, because it’s collapsed. it’s a room that has ten million tons of rock in it.”

fact check: Donny is making shit up. he’s living in a narcoleptic fart-enhanced dream world, and contradicting his own Pentagon’s reportthat Iran’s nuke program has been set back ‘only a few months.’ apparently, Donny knows more about collapsed rocks than all the rock collapsers.

“this was an unbelievable hit by genius pilots, and genius people in the military.”

fact check:

“and they’re not being given credit for it because we have scum. CNN is scum. MSDNC is scum. the New York Times is scum. they’re bad people. they’re sick.”

bro, u still mad?

here are your heroes of the day: the voters of New York City.

with 93% of the votes counted, Zohran Mamdani — a genuine progressive — appears set to win the Democratic primary for Mayor of NYC.

Zohran Mamdani, a little-known state lawmaker whose progressive platform and campaign trail charisma electrified younger voters, stunned former Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo in the Democratic primary for mayor of New York City on Tuesday night, building a lead so commanding that Mr. Cuomo conceded.

props must be given to Andrew Cuomo, for surprising the hell out of everybody by graciously conceding defeat last night.

Fox News, of course, is already trying to terrify their viewers with visions of the communist hellhole that a Mamdanified New York City will become.

look at all this scary shit.

building affordable housing! providing free mass transit! protecting LGBTQIA+ rights! raising the minimum wage! telling ICE to fuck all the way off!

don’t threaten us with a good time, Fox.

 

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Tuesday Madness Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich

welcome to the dumbest fucking twenty-four hours in the history of United States foreign policy.

before we try to make sense of the stupid shit that happened yesterday, let’s back it up a bit. remember that bombing mission that set off this whole shit-blizzard of clownfuckery? all those big bunker busters that Donny was so horny to drop on Iran? it turns out that almost none of that mission’s objectives were accomplished by the bombing.

why? because Donny is a blabbermouth.

it turns out that Donny spent so much time over the last few weeks flapping his rancid anus-mouth about how he was going to settle Iran’s hash that Iran was all ‘hey, you know what? we should probably hide our stockpile of enriched uranium.’

and guess fucking what: that’s exactly what they did.

According to the IAEA’s Grossi, Iran moved their stockpile of enriched uranium from the sites targeted by the US before the attack. This includes “400 kilograms, or roughly 880 pounds, of uranium enriched to 60 percent purity.” The material is “stored in special casks small enough to fit in the trunks of about 10 cars.”

here’s a satellite image of transport trucks lined up outside of Iran’s Fordo fuel enrichment facility.

and now the US has no idea where Iran stashed their near-weapons-grade shit.

awesome job, motormouth.

so, on to current events. settle in, because we got an entire year’s worth of batfuckery packed into about eighteen hours.

here’s the first item on the shit that went down list.

Iran launched missiles at a US military base in Qatar on Monday, in what it said was retaliation for American strikes against its nuclear sites over the weekend.

Witnesses reported hearing loud bangs in the sky above the capital, Doha, while videos showed bright flashes in the sky as air defense systems attempted to intercept missiles.

well, that seemed pretty serious — but it turns out that Iran was just doing Big Bomb Kabuki.

It became apparent soon afterwards that Iran had given warning that it was preparing to launch missiles. Three Iranian officials quoted by the New York Times said that Tehran had told Doha of its intentions, as a way to minimize casualties.

this was all Donny needed to clear off a spot on his mantel for that Nobel Peace Prize, and declare himself the Greatest Peacemaker of All Time.

but here’s the not-tweet that really cranked the crazy into high gear: Donny decreed that an immediate ceasefire was now in effect.

awesome! but also not awesome! here’s a pro tip for DONALD J. TRUMP, DUMB-ASS PRESIDENT: when brokering a ceasefire, it’s probably a good idea to get the countries who are lobbing missiles at each other involved in the process — because both Iran and Israel were all ‘huh? what the fuck are you babbling about, old man?’

the Foreign Minister of Iran confirmed this on not-twitter.

how fucking delusional is Mad King Donny that he just assumed he could bark STOP WARRING and everyone would snap to attention?dude, this isn’t like pressing that button on your desk that makes Walt Nauta come running with a Diet Coke. these are sovereign nations.

I love that Donny thinks he can just yell shit.

in fact, Israel was in the middle of raining down bombs on Tehran at the same time Donny was declaring that war was over and now everyone loves each other — and they, too, were all ‘what ceasefire?’

can I just point out how infuckingsane it is that three countries are bickering at each other on social media?

oh, and speaking of infuckingsane, check out this big bowl of holy shit.

Did I hear Former President Medvedev, from Russia, casually throwing around the “N word” (Nuclear!), and saying that he and other Countries would supply Nuclear Warheads to Iran? Did he really say that or, is it just a figment of my imagination? If he did say that, and, if confirmed, please let me know, IMMEDIATELY.

what is Donny threatening to do here? and did Donny really just appeal to the dipshit users of his janky app to help him gather intel?

doesn’t Donny have an entire Department of National Intelligence to do that for him? or has he stopped talking to Tulsi Gabbard?

this became the template for the day: Donny would mouth-fart some crazypants shit onto his hellhole app — and then five minutes later, Iran or Israel would deny whatever had been mouth-farted. it devolved into farce — and the media twisted themselves into fucking knots, trying to keep up.

you know, a lot of things in this world have never happened, and here’s something that never happened the most.

Donny, we need more info here. are Israel and Iran in the room with us right now? are they big and strong? are tears of gratitude running down their cheeks as they say ‘sir! sir! no one has ever brokered peace like you! how do you do it? sir!’

Iran turned the tables on Donny and gave him a bit of his own medicine, claiming it was he who came begging to them.

are you confused yet? it’s okay, so are the rest of us.

through all of this, was Donny conferring with his NatSec and DOD people? fuck no, he was watching TV, to see how he was being covered on Fox News.

priorities!

through all of this, Donny keep farting out batshit not-tweets.

he also took a minute off to scream at the oil industry.

and the Department of Energy.

fun true fact: the DOE has nothing to do with oil extraction. that’s the Department of the Interior’s purview. but don’t bother telling that to Donny. he’s having such a good time ranting and raving, let’s not spoil his fun.

by the way, in the middle of all of this, The New York Times decided to commit a journalism, and do a little bomb-dropping of their own.

here’s why our manbaby-in-chief decided to wade into the Iran-Israel conflict: he saw how well it was playing on Fox News and he decided he wanted a piece of the action.

The president was closely monitoring Fox News, which was airing wall-to-wall praise of Israel’s military operation and featuring guests urging Mr. Trump to get more involved.

…

Later that day, Mr. Trump asked an ally how the Israeli strikes were “playing.” He said that “everyone” was telling him he needed to get more involved.

elect a reality-show president, get a reality-show war.

finally, at 1:08 in the morning, Donny posted that THE CEASEFIRE IS IN EFFECT, AND THIS TIME I REALLY MEAN IT.

but because Donny forgot to end his not-tweet with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER, the ceasefire was not legally binding — so of course you’ll never guess what happened next.

and that is the situation we all woke up to this morning.

right now, as I’m writing this, it’s 9:22am EDT, we still don’t have an actual ceasefire — and Preznit Fuckwit is still yelling at clouds.

and — oh look! — Donny continues to hallucinate fever-dream ceasefires.

what the fuck is a ‘friendly plane wave’? I’m guessing it involves dropping more bombs, because that’s exactly what happened next.

because of course they did. nobody listens to the befuddled old man, shouting into his phone. why should they? he’s a joke — an international laughingstock.

Donny’s on a plane right now, headed to a NATO meeting. let’s all hope to fuck that he goes sleepy-bye during the flight, and gives us a few hours of peace and quiet. because holy shit. that was a day.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

https://youtu.be/NZgiYjrE3YY?si=8LjQTIh4uaJ2GG2S

NEW: Activists unveiled a giant banner at the Piazza San Marco in Venice, Italy ahead of Jeff Bezos’ wedding, reading “If you can rent Venice for your wedding you can pay more tax”

truer words.

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Monday Madness From Jeff Tiedrich

good lord, America’s newest war isn’t even two days old and already it’s a fucktangle of idiocy.

the Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse were all over the Sunday shows, doing what they do best: bragging about Dear Leader’s imaginary accomplishments and saying the dumbest fucking shit imaginable.

let us review the atrocities.

the last time our country got clownfucked into pointless wars, the vice president was the sneering embodiment of evil, straight out of central casting — a guy who literally had no heartbeat, and who got the poor schnook he shot in the face to apologize for getting in the way.

this time, the veep is just some doughy pantload.

let’s listen as Mister Heartbeat Away fields the question, ‘what advice are you giving Donald Trump?’

“the advice that I’m giving him is, ‘sir, trust your instincts.’ he’s got the best instincts of any president I’ve ever seen, of any political leader I’ve ever seen.”

yeah, no. what instincts? Donny Convict is the most easily-hoodwinked goofus on the planet. I’m pretty sure if Iran painted a tunnel on the side of a big rock, he’d run smack right into it.

but please, Couchfuck McGee, do go on.

“I empathize with Americans who are exhausted after 25 years of foreign entanglements in the Middle East. I understand the concern, but the difference is that back then we had dumb presidents”

seriously?

presidents don’t come any dumber than the White House’s current diaperload — the fuckwit who won’t go near a windmill because he’s terrified of coming down with a bad case of noise cancer.

did you know that the Pentagon had to distract Donny with fake war plans because they were afraid he’d tweet out the real plans if he knew what they were?

I shit you not.

At times, Trump’s penchant for social media was the biggest threat to the operation’s secrecy. Last Monday, he posted on Truth Social that “everyone should evacuate Tehran!” The next day, he revealed that he had left a meeting of the Group of 7 in Canada not to broker a Middle East cease-fire but for something “much bigger.” He added, “Stay tuned!”

Inside the Pentagon and the U.S. Central Command, military planners worried that Trump was giving Iran too much warning about an impending strike. So they worked up their own ruse: They had two fleets of B-2 bombers leave Missouri at the same time, one flying east and one flying west.

but please, do tell me again how super fucking amazing Donny’s instincts are, and how smart he is. those are such cute stories.

twenty-two years ago, the Bush administration faked key “evidence” in order to lie us into a war in Iraq. remember Colin Powell going to the UN and holding up a vial of what he claimed was weaponized anthrax?

this time around, they’re not even bothering to gin up ‘proof’ of any threat — they’re looking us straight in the eye and telling us proof is irrelevant.

Margaret Brennan: “are you saying the US did not see intelligence that the Supreme Leader had ordered weaponization?”
Marco Rubio: “that’s irrelevant.”
Brennan: “no, that is a key point.”
Rubio: “no it’s not.”

trust Dear Leader — that’s the shit sandwich being shoved in our faces.

but now, even Massie is happily chowing down on the trust Dear Leadershitwich.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KJQ9kVET58

“he promised us he would put America first. and there are still voices in this administration — you’ve still got JD Vance, Tulsi Gabbard, RFK Jr — you’ve still got calmer heads that could prevail.”

that sound you just heard was Thomas Massie’s credibility flying out the window.

come on, Tom. seriously? Couchfuck McGee is a useless yes-man, and Donny’s already told Tulsi to fuck off.

Kaitlin Collins: “Tulsi Gabbard testified in March that the intelligence community said Iran wasn’t building a nuclear weapon.”

Donny: “I don’t care what she said.”

look who else Massie cites as being a ‘calmer head’: Bobby Brainworms Jr. — the guy who doesn’t understand how germs work. what’s his skill set?maybe he can start a massive measles epidemic in Iran.

these are all deeply unserious people who are in way over their heads — and because Dear Leader decided to stick his dick into a hornet’s nest in the Middle East, they now have to pretend that all wars — like trade wars — are good, and easy to win.

meanwhile, here’s a thing that everyone with a brain saw coming.

no fucking duh, it could spike oil prices. Iran controls the Strait of Hormuz, through which supertankers carry 20% of the world’s crude oil.

wait — did I say oil prices could surge? I meant to say they have surged.

Oil prices surged late Sunday in Wall Street’s first reaction to America’s strikes on three Iranian nuclear facilities on Saturday evening, a major escalation of the Iran-Israel conflict.

US oil futures jumped 2.7% to about $75.80 per barrel at 930 pm ET. Brent futures, the global benchmark for oil prices, increased 2.44%, hitting $78.88 per barrel.

but don’t worry, folks. Donny has a cunning plan to deal with the Strait — and when I say ‘cunning plan,’ I mean it’s one of the stupidest fucking plans you’ve ever heard.

oh jeebus. China — after we just spent two months torturing them with an ever-shifting series of reckless tariffs, now we want them to be our bestie and do us a solid in the Middle East.
we should probably do a wellness check on misshapen garden gnome Charlie Kirk, and see how he’s coping. you’ll recall that last year, Chuckers was reliably anti-war.
oh look, Charlie’s now toeing the official party line that ‘we have always been at war with Eastasia.’
why am I not surprised? and why am I not surprised that The Kirkster is now wetting his pants over the prospect of sleeper cells?

“Stay armed. Stay vigilant. We have no idea how many sleeper cells are inside the United States. It’s an unforgiveable weakness Biden left this country with. Stay alert. Pray.”

oh great, Gnomey Chuck wants us all armed to the teeth.

I’m loving this idea — because when shit goes sideways, that’s exactly what we’re going to need to be safe: a heavily-armed Meal Team Six, blasting away at everything that moves — including their own legs.

I hardly need to remind you that America is already armed to the teeth, and already has an itchy finger on every trigger.

the last thing we need is for paranoid morons like Mr. I Keep My Gun Trained On The Front Door to have more reasons to fear everything.

nonetheless, get ready to hear a lot about sleeper cells in the days and weeks to come — because a terrified populace is an easily-manipulated populace.

we’ve been down this road before. remember back during the Mad King’s first reign, when they tried to scare the shit out of us with overheated fairy tales about prayer rugs?

Trump cited a story from conservative news outlet the Washington Examiner in which an unnamed rancher living in New Mexico claimed to have found “prayer rugs,” or pieces of carpet used by Muslims for prayer, near her property.

but don’t worry, folks. if there are two million actual sleeper agents in US, thishoncho is in charge of rooting them out.

“As our nation girds for possible Iranian terrorist attacks, this is the person Trump put in charge of terrorism prevention. 22 years old.

Recent work experience: landscaping/grocery clerk.

Never worked a day in counter-terrorism. But he’s a BIG Trump fan. So he got the job.”

fuck me, we’re doomed.

let’s go out with a laugh, as we watch MAGA fall all over themselves in a mad dash to memory-hole any anti-war sentiment they might have once expressed, and proclaim fealty to Dear Leader’s new reality.

we have always been at war with — wait, who is it this week?

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We Are FUCKED

They don’t know what they’re doing.

They don’t have a plan.

They don’t have a single message.

They are not working on facts only “vibes.”

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FUCK TRUMP

 

Trumpty Dumpty is going to claim that the bombing is meant to force Iran to “negotiate”

Please keep in mind the Iranian regime was willing to sign another agreement like they had with Obama & his own intelligence committee told him there was no urgency with Iran’s nuclear capabilities

This is happening because no one came to his birthday party, his tariffs are tanking the economy, his poll numbers are in the toilet, and his name is all over the Epstein Files. Distract, distract, distract.

We are living in the worst possible timeline.

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Well, I’ve Gone From My First Thought In The Morning Being, “Is He Dead Yet?” To “Has WWIII Started?”

oh look, Sundowning Grandpa Bloodthirst made a boom-boom — only this time, it wasn’t in his pants.

fucking hell. it looks like we have no choice but to wade in and parse this mess — but before we do, I have to point out for the gazillionth time that none of this is normal. it’s not normal for a president to break the news to the world that he’s bombed the shit out of another country via a post on his failing shithole app. all of this is off-the-charts batshit.

nonetheless…

We have completed our very successful attack on the three Nuclear sites in Iran, including Fordow, Natanz, and Esfahan.

have we? Donny says this attack was successful — but two days ago he was telling us that Chinese bots altered vote counts in voting machines in 2020, and that he really won in a landslide. so we know that his grasp on reality is tenuous at best. also, there’s that thing he does where he willfully lies about everything.

All planes are now outside of Iran air space. A full payload of BOMBS was dropped on the primary site, Fordow.

BOMBS is in all caps, because of course it is. our toddler-in-chief is so fucking pumped right now to have RAINED DOWN HELL on another country.

All planes are safely on their way home. Congratulations to our great American Warriors. There is not another military in the World that could have done this.

yes, this is absolutely true, that the United States is the only country on Earth with a military capable of transporting bombs in a jet and then dropping them. USA! USA!

NOW IS THE TIME FOR PEACE!

really? right after starting a war? for fuck’s sake, even George Orwell, wherever he is, is rolling his eyes and miming jerk-off motions right now.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

this again. this bizarre sign-off with which President Yap Yap now ends all his kingly pronouncements.

‘thank you for your attention to this matter’ is how you close an annoyed email to your neighbor whose dog keeps shitting on your lawn. it’s not how you close a social media post in which you gleefully announce that you just destabilized the entire world. you already have our attention, fucknut.

none of this had to happen.

we had a treaty with Iran that they were abiding to — and our game show host president tore it to pieces because he was jealous of a black man’s accomplishments.

also, none of this is legal.

“The President’s disastrous decision to bomb Iran without authorization is a grave violation of the Constitution and Congressional War Powers.”

sure, but don’t expect House Speaker Limpdick to do his job and claw back Congress’ power to wage war. he’s down with all this shit — and even if he weren’t, he’s too cowardly and impotent to stand up to Dear Leader.

oh, and a special shout-out to all the cultists who voted for Donny because he promised NO NEW WARS. check out what everyone’s favorite misshapen garden gnome posted last August.

how’d that shit work out for you, Chuck-o?

lest we forget, Donny also ran on not getting eaten by sharks, or electrocuted by boat batteries, so what the fuck — do we have to worry about that now, too?

so, what happens now? fuck if I know. forecasting any of this shit is above my pay grade — but Robert Reich has a really good write-up.

Reich’s main takeaway:

He’s probably getting decent advice about what’s good for Trump but not about what’s good for America or the world. It’s an inevitable consequence of purging from the government anyone more loyal to the United States than to him. Besides, Trump only listens to information he wants to hear.

Olivia Troye was Homeland Security and Counterterrorism advisor to Mike Pence during the Mad King’s first reign. she probably knows Donny as well as anyone else. here’s what she has to say.

“Trump dismantled diplomacy, gutted the national security apparatus & pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal, decisions that helped destabilize the region. Now, it’s all bravado & this attack on Iran is likely to lead to a protracted conflict. This is provocation through chaos. This isn’t a ‘win.’”

it’s not a win, but that isn’t stopping the Mad King from claiming it is.

here’s historian Timothy Snyder to remind us that nobody really knows shit about shit.

pay particular attention to numbers four and five:

4. Wars are unpredictable
5. Wars are easy to start and hard to stop

all I know is if I were looking to successfully navigate a foreign policy crisis, the last people on the planet I would pick would be the Four Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse.

on the left is Mister Heartbeat Away, who … what the fuck even is his skill set? does anyone know? on the right is the Fox News dunk-tank clown who is apparently trying very hard not to pass out, or piss himself. standing next to him is the total cipher whose job is to say yes to everything — no matter how crazypants. and at the podium is the narcoleptic fart factory who had to be talked out of nuking a hurricane — more than once.

I wouldn’t trust any of these shitweasels to look out the window and give me a straight answer as to whether or not it was raining, much less how the prosecution of a war is going.

the hubris is off the charts with these halfwits. their arms are probably sore this morning from all the high-fiving they did last night.

it’s going to be this shit all over again.

on the left is Mister Heartbeat Away, who … what the fuck even is his skill set? does anyone know? on the right is the Fox News dunk-tank clown who is apparently trying very hard not to pass out, or piss himself. standing next to him is the total cipher whose job is to say yes to everything — no matter how crazypants. and at the podium is the narcoleptic fart factory who had to be talked out of nuking a hurricane — more than once.

I wouldn’t trust any of these shitweasels to look out the window and give me a straight answer as to whether or not it was raining, much less how the prosecution of a war is going.

the hubris is off the charts with these halfwits. their arms are probably sore this morning from all the high-fiving they did last night.

it’s going to be this shit all over again.

does anyone expect Donny’s Confederation of Clueless Sewer Clowns to do any better? of course they won’t.

remember the sage words of Timothy Snyder.

5. Wars are easy to start and hard to stop

I have a feeling we’re going to be hearing this a lot as time goes on.

right now, as I’m writing this at 9:30 on Saturday morning, DUI Pete is already taking a victory lap.

and Iran’s state media is all nuh-uh, the fuck you did.

“Iran’s state TV reported that the country had evacuated personnel from the three nuclear sites in advance. According to the broadcaster’s political deputy, Iran had relocated its nuclear stockpiles from those sites to secure locations.”

again, just remember what Timothy Snyder wisely counseled us.

1. Many things reported with confidence in the first hours and days will turn out not to be true

there is one thing I know for certain: we will not be able to depend on the worthless scribblers of America’s corporate-controlled media to do anything other than cheerlead.

rah rah rah! sis boom bah!

and finally, I must apologize — because apparently, this is all my fault. last night, around 7pm, I mentioned to Ms Spouse that I had no idea what I was going to write about today — and the universe was all ha ha, fuck you.

going forward, I will keep such musings to myself.

 

 

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All That Glitters Is…

From Tengrain:

…solid gold.

Oh, it would be terrible if anyone glitter bombed ICE Agents, for shame!, but…

@brookeperegoy ICE agents are upset about being glitter bombed! ✨️ #ice #glitterbomb ♬ shine on – choppy.wav

…we stand with the first comment on that TikTok, who warns us what a shame it would be if… well, read it for yourselves:

Isn’t that terrible? Don’t do that. I beg you: don’t tell others to do that, just like the commenter said. It would be terrible if anyone went to Blicks and bought glitter and did that; don’t be that person. I beg you: don’t tell everyone you know about this.