Category: FUCK TRUMP

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Fuck Trump

I also believe—because he is a sociopathic narcissist—that he does this shit simply to remain in the news cycle and keep people talking about him 24/7.

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Fuckwit Preznit Has No Idea If He’s Supposed To Uphold The Constitution

From Jeff Tiedrich:

scenes from a crazypants interview

imagine a United States president so callous that he tells America’s struggling small businesses to piss straight up a rope. imagine a president so out of touch that he tells Americans they’re greedy shitwads for wanting things.

now imagine a president so fucking ignorant that he has no clue if he’s supposed to uphold the Constitution or not.

actually, you don’t have to imagine any of that shit — because yesterday, Donny Convict sat down with NBC News’ Kristen Welker and actually blithered all those things.

here’s a fun passage from the Oath of Office that every incoming president swears to uphold. keep it in your mind, because there’s going to be a quiz later on.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

got that? okay, here we go. now tell me if you think this is the most totally unhinged thing you’ve ever heard a president say.

 

Kristen Welker: “your secretary of state says everyone who’s here, citizens and non-citizens, deserve due process. do you agree?”

Donny: “I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know.”

Welker: “don’t you need to uphold the Constitution as president?”

Donny: “I don’t know.”

oh. my. god. — he. doesn’t. know.

folks, what did we just read in the Oath of Office, the one that Donny has now mumbled his way through twice?

SPOILER ALERT: YES YOUR LITERAL FUCKING JOB IS TO UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION, IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE OATH OF OFFICE YOU’VE TAKEN TWICE NOW. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A FUCKING WALL.

now here’s me, typing out that not-tweet.

magine if Joe Biden had said he “didn’t know” if he was supposed to uphold the Constitution. the entire Wingnut Outrage-Industrial Complex would have begun howling in unison about how Sleepy Joe had finally lost all his marbles and was unfit for office. MAGA would have rioted in the streets. Hannity would have shit hot roofing nails on live TV.

but Dear Leader professes blissful ignorance about his primary duty as president, and all we hear from Republicans is deafening sounds of crickets.

because it’s a cult.

now here’s the guy who shits into a golden toilet, taking you to task for wanting too many things.

Welker: “you were at your cabinet meeting, and you said — I’m going to quote you — ‘maybe the children will have two dolls instead of thirty dolls. and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.’ are you saying that your tariffs will cause some prices to go up?”

Donny: “no, I think tariffs are going to be great for us, because it’s gonna make us rich.”

Welker: “but you said some dolls are going to cost more, isn’t that an acknowledgement that some prices will go up?”

Donny: “I don’t think a beautiful baby girl that’s eleven years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have three dolls or four dolls … they don’t need to have 250 pencils. they can have five.”

ok, so the “beautiful baby girls” only get three or four dolls now — but what about the baby girls who aren’t beautiful? can we let the heinous ones grab a few extra dolls, as, y’know, sort of a consolation prize?

three or four dolls, and five pencils. in just four months we’ve gone from the world’s greatest economy to forced rationing, with Dear Leader making kingly pronouncements as to who deserves how much of what.

hey, how many shithole golf motels does each American get to own? because I’m thinking more than one is too many.

let’s take a wander down memory lane.

in 1977, a sweater-clad Jimmy Carter went on TV, and asked Americans to turn their thermostats down a couple of degrees — and the entire country lost its mind.

how dare this fuckface peanut farmer tell us that we can’t have everything? it’s our God-given right as Amurricans to consume as much as we want.

right now, there are MAGA morons who have rigged their trucks to belch out as much soot and thick grey exhaust fumes as possible. they call it “rolling coal.” why do they do this? because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells MAGA to conserve.

but mark my words: at the next family cookout, your drunk uncle — the one whose TV is permanently tuned to Fox News — is going to corner you, and tell you that your kid has too many pencils.

because it’s a fucking cult.

meanwhile, while you’re making do with your government-approved two dolls and five pencils, Donny’s planning to take forty-five million dollars and flush it straight down the shitter.

he’s spending it on a gaudy emotional support parade for his birthday — just like the kind they have in North Korea.

because America is now a third-world autocracy led by a fragile pit of need.

hey, instead of a parade, how about this draft-dodging coward lay wreaths on the graves of the five soldiers who took his place in Vietnam, and maybe mutter a few words of thanks to the quack doctor who ginned up that bullshit note about imaginary bone spurs that allowed Donny to get those five deferments. it’d be a lot cheaper, and we’ll even let him do a fucked-up graveside thumbs up.

Donny has a message for America’s small businesses, and that message is go fuck yourselves.

Welker: “are you considering tariff relief for small businesses?”

Donny: “why do you always mention that, you know — you pick up couple of little businesses. what about the car business? they’re going to make a fortune.”

yeah, commie. what about the giant corporations? what about the plutocrats?

I guarantee that right now, some MAGA dipshit with a persistent cough is driving a crappy car on crumbling roads past abandoned storefronts to a low-paying job and pumping his fist and going “hell yeah!” as he listens to some dime-store Rush Limbaugh knockoff explain that billionaires have been getting a raw deal in America, and Dear Leader is going to fix that.

because — say it with me — it’s a fucking cult.

I’m so old, I remember a woman who campaigned on the promise to help Americans start their own small businesses.

whatever happened to her? all I can recall is that she had a funny laugh and couldn’t prove she worked at McDonald’s, so I guess America was right to kick her to the curb.

the stupid. it just fucking burns.

Welker: “when does it become the Trump economy?”

Donny: “it partially is right now, and I really mean this. I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.”

I don’t know how Kristen Welker kept herself from blurting ‘what the fuck is wrong with you,’ throwing her notes to the floor, and walking out.

and finally, last night, aboard Fuckface Force One, on his way back from Motel-a-Lago, Donny held a press gaggle.

“all costs are down. everything is down, other than the uh thing you carry the babies around in.”

that thing you carry the babies around in — you know. that thing. what the fuck is it called? a shover? a pushinator?

could someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a pudding cup, and help him to bed?

oh yeah, this fucking country is in great hands.

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Vomiting It All Up…And It’s Only Monday ????

Trump: ‘I run the country and the world’

President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he’s leading “the country and the world.”

“The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys,” Trump said in the interview published Monday. “And the second time, I run the country and the world.”

 

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Quote Of The Day

I keep thinking of Donald Trump seething with jealousy over the rapturous reception Zelensky received at Pope Francis’s funeral, the one Donald did not get, and I smile.” ~ Mrs. Betty Bowers

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shh! don’t wake the elderly golfer. funerals make him sleepy.

From Jeff Tiedrich:

way to represent America, dumb-ass

think back to those super-fun days of last summer, when Donny Not-Yet-A-Convict was on trial for having cooked the books to make hush-money payments to a porn star look like legit campaign expenses.

remember what would happen every morning? Donny would take his seat at the defendant’s table. he’d glower at the press, then immediately close his weary eyes and begin snoring, as he filled the courtroom with the pungent aroma of narcoleptic farts.

well, guess what: Sleepy Don is back, baby.

there’s a book I’d like to recommend to Donny. it’s called The Art Of How About Not Falling Asleep At A Funeral, You Stupid Fuck — because Sundowning Grandpa Fascistpants gone and done it again. right in the middle of Pope Francis’ funeral, the deteriorating dumbshit once again closed his peepers and started sawing logs.

who does that?

spoiler alert: nobody. no one else among the assembled mourners felt the need to drift off to beddy-bye land and let rip some aromatic ass-music.

not even Joe Biden — the guy everyone said was too old to president.

let’s compare and contrast the dude America kicked to the curb with the one they elected to replace him.

oh good fucking lord. try not to drool on yourself, grandpa.

hey Donny — remember how you never shut the fuck up about Sleepy Joe this and Sleepy Joe that? well, who’s the sleepy one now, you barely-conscious old coot?

hey, did you notice anything else about Donny?

that’s right, in a sea of somber black and dark grey — the dress code dictated by the Vatican, by the way — Donny’s decked himself out in one of his hideous blue suits.

oh look, The New York Times is still failing us.

President Trump, it seems, is fully committed to going his own way when it comes to international relations — even during the funeral of a pope.

nice framing, New York Times. they want their readers to know that Donny isn’t dressed like a sore thumb because he’s a belligerent asshole who does whatever the fuck he wants. oh, no, Donny’s a rugged individualist. a rebel outlaw. President Hombre doesn’t play by your rules, squares. he’s “fully committed to going his own way.”

did Donny falling asleep get a mention in the press? I haven’t seen one yet.

imagine if President Biden had fallen asleep while representing America at a state funeral. the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media would have had a fucking field day, and turned it into a weeks-long scandal.

but Donny, open-mouthed and snoring up a storm? crickets.

hey, let’s watch Emmanuel Macron take Donny on a one-way trip to snub city.

check out the warm handshake Macron gives Zelenskyy. it’s not a perfunctory ‘good to see you again’ shake. it’s a hearty, extended ‘we’re brothers’ handshake.

now here comes Donny for his handshake — and he doesn’t get one. Macron ignores Donny’s outstretched hand — because fuck you, that’s why.

let’s gif that shit for posterity.

sorry, Donny. no one respects the rodeo clown.

Macron was surely tired of that asinine Battle of the Alpha Bros handshake that Donny tries to pull on him every time they meet. you know the one: if you go to shake Donny’s hand, he’s going grab yours and roughly jerk it towards him, in an attempt to get you to stumble and fall. it’s a childish I’m the dominant dog thing.

Donny got away with that shit during his first term, but now everyone knows it’s coming, and prepares for it — and no one more so than Macron. now, every time they meet, Macron grabs Donny’s hand and does not let go.

no one’s putting up with that shit any more, Donny. everyone’s hip to your infantile dumb-assery. it’s a wise old saying: ‘fool me once, shame on me, and also, you’re a tiresome asshole. stop playing silly dominance games, you broken-inside child.’

good going, Donny — you’ve turned yourself — and America — into an international pariah.

(yes, I know — Donny and Manny eventually shook hands later that day, during a ceremony called the Sign of Peace, where everybody shakes the hand of the person next to them. Macron couldn’t opt out of that one.)

let’s talk a walk down memory lane, and revisit a few of Sleepy Don’s greatest hits.

there were the aforementioned impromptu courtroom slumber parties.

fun fact: uncontrollable day-sleeping is a common sign of dementia.

Dr. John Gartner, who spent 28 years as a professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University Medical School, has an explanation:

“To uncontrollably fall asleep during the day is something that’s very common among patients with dementia.”

A defendant falling asleep in court is “literally so uncommon, it’s basically unheard of.” Gartner said he’s spoken with several lawyer friends who each told him that they’ve never seen a defendant falling asleep in court during their entire careers.

here’s Donny last October — three weeks before the election — at a campaign roundtable event in Michigan.

Donny’s handlers had a ready-made excuse for this one: he’s “exhausted.”

Why does this keep happening? Another outlet was recently given an explanation by Trump’s team for why their own interview wasn’t coming to fruition: exhaustion.

here’s what I wrote about it at the time:

that’s so sad. but also it’s a stunning admission from Team Trump, less than three weeks from the election. sorry, our guy is pooped. can you imagine the media feeding frenzy that would result if Kamala bailed on an interview, and then her people explained it was because she had to go nappy-nap?

hey, can someone get grandpa here a bowl of applesauce and then take him to bed? the poor old guy is plumb tuckered out. he just can’t hack the rigors of campaigning any more. I mean, look at this dilapidated old dipshit.

my god. why is Team Trump torturing this tired old duffer? at this point, putting Donny on a stage night after night is elder abuse. what he needs is a mug of Ovaltine and his favorite blankie, not a microphone and a podium.

Donny wasn’t up to the rigors of campaigning last October, and he’s not up to the rigors of being president right now.

I don’t even know where this one is from, but my god — Donny’s Slovenian trophy wife sure hates his fucking guts.

finally, can I just confess how completely jealous I am of Molly Ploofkins, because she thought of this quip, and I didn’t?

 

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Please Boost

As the fascist Trump administration shuts down suicide hotlines in the US Canada has broadcast their national hotline which now has a toll-free American version: 1-877-330-6366.

Please boost.

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He cheated. Somehow.

His crowd sizes were too small to support this type of victory. He did nothing to appeal to voters in the middle. He doubled down on his base.

He did not work with Haley or her voters. These elections are supposedly won by the voters in the middle.

His entire life has been a game of manipulation, cheating, gaming the system, and conning. It would be in alignment with his lifetime structure to have figured out how to rig the system.

In fact, he stated before this election that it was rigged. Which clearly is his proiection and confession. Projection is part of his flawed narcissistic personality disorder.

He cheated. Somehow. Musk is involved. The voting tabulating machines must have been manipulated…

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Pete Kegstand and the Ketamine Kid teach a master class in fucking

From Jeff Tiedrich:

weird how nothing is ever their fault

here’s a thought experiment.

let’s say that you had amassed the hugest fucking fortune ever known to humankind. now lets say that, in a ketamine-soaked haze, you set out to squander that fortune. how would you do it?

— would you back a presidential candidate hell-bent on wrecking the world’s economy, taking your own companies down with it?
— would you take a chainsaw to essential government services, triggering massive protests and boycotts against the janky products you sell?
— would you become the literal face of modern day Nazism?

if you’re the Space Nazi, lucky you! you’ve accomplished all three, and hit the trifecta! who says Elon isn’t a visionary?

Tesla’s profits fell 71% over the first three months of this year, a company earnings release on Tuesday showed. The company’s performance fell short of analysts’ expectations.

71%, is that a lot? I guess it must be, because now Elon is sad. so, so very sad. look at how completely fucking sad Elon is.

weird how even convincing a demented elderly golfer to turn the White House into a car dealership isn’t saving the Tesla brand.

I guess Elon forgot about the part where everything Donny touches, dies.

and the news just keeps getting worse for the Space Nazi.

Elon Musk, the chief executive of Tesla, said on Tuesday that China’s halt on exports of certain magnets was affecting his plans to build humanoid robots, in the clearest signal yet that China’s action is beginning to affect big American businesses.

I’ll bet it totally fucking sucks when the fallout from President Tradewar’s boneheaded tariff polices rains down on one’s own ketamine-curdled head.

that sure was a quarter-billion dollars well spent, getting this guy elected, wasn’t it, Elon? you know that Elon totally figured he could control Donny through the sheer force of will — but he keeps forgetting about the part where everything Donny touches, dies.

here’s a fun new development: now that nobody likes Elon any more, he’s going to take all his toys and go home.

Elon Musk is reportedly set to leave his government role because he’s tired of what he sees as a litany of vicious and unethical attacks from the left, according to a report from The Washington Post.

do these tiresome diaper-babies never stop whining? can they never once take responsibility for their own fuck-ups?

spoiler alert: no, they can’t. in MAGA world, nothing is ever their own fault.

it’s always someone else. the women. the blacks. the immigrants. the gays. the transgenders.

in his own mind, Elon didn’t become one of the most-loathed people on the planet because he set out to destroy the one thing most people depend: essential government services. it wasn’t because he helped Donny Convict bring fascism to America. and it certainly wasn’t because he practically moved into Motel-a-Lago, where, high as a kite, he played with silverware like the privileged asshole he is, while the world burned.

no, it happened because of “vicious and unethical attacks from the left.”

oh, boo fucking hoo.

all I can say is, if Elon is actually leaving politics because of all the ‘attacks’ from the left, well then I’m pleased to have done my part.

let’s serenade Elon out with some of his favorite South African apartheid-era melodies, played on the world’s tiniest violin.

meanwhile, over at the Pentagon, here’s another mediocre white dude who can’t ever take responsibility for anything.

Plastered Pete Kegstand continues to dig himself ever deeper. remember two days ago, when we were all warned that even worse shit was about to come to light?

well, here’s the first drip of what will no doubt be a torrent.

long story short: you know all those war plans that Kegstand keeps claiming he never ever shared with his wife, family, lawyer, and a journalist from the Atlantic, while at the same time claiming that it was totes ok to share them, because they weren’t classified?

well, it turns out that yes indeedy, Kegstand got those war plans off a classified server, copied and pasted them onto his personal phone, and then oopsies! fumblefingered them all over the place.

But then Hegseth used his personal phone to send some of the same information Kurilla had given him to at least two group text chats on the Signal messaging app, three U.S. officials with direct knowledge of the exchanges told NBC News.

but here’s the one important thing you need to know about Kegstand’s breach of protocol: it wasn’t his fault — because nothing is never MAGA’s fault.

watch Fox News morning bobblehead Brian Kilmeade hand-wave all this shit away.

“it could be part of a learning curve.”

a learning curve. oh, okay. well, that clears everything up. this whole little ahem misunderstanding happened because nobody told Pete it was wrong to share classified war plans with randos in his contact list. he had to learn.

look, Piss-Drunk Pete has to plead ignorance on this thing. because if anyone had said anything at all to him when he first started at the Department of Defense that that sort of thing was frowned upon…

pro tip: when your only qualification for your job is that you’re a white dude with christofascist tattoos who Donny saw kissing his ass on Fox News, everything is a learning curve.

that’s the whole reason, y’know, that Secretary of Defense picks are generally lifetime military experts, and not Fox News chat-show dumb-asses who need to be schooled in the most basic aspects of classified document protocol.

but Plastered Pete isn’t going to let a silly little fuck-up keep him from doing what he imagines is his job.

“… and get along to go along. and, y’know, start doing Meet the Press, and going to the Council on Foreign Relations and spending time with all the new-cocktail sipping crowd. that’s not why I’m here. I’m here because President Trump asked me to bring warfighting back to the Pentagon, every single day. that is our focus.”

I can report that warfighting is fucking pumped to be back. when we last saw warfighting, it was rummaging around in the dumpsters behind the Lincoln Memorial, looking for scraps of food — but Plastered Pete rescued warfighting, cleaned it up, gave it a hot meal and an office at the Pentagon.

remember this, though, as the Signalgate scandal intensifies: stop being mean to Pete. none of this is his fault. it’s the disgruntled leakers. the hoaxers. the DEI. the learning curve. the Democrats.

here’s some tiny violin for you, too, Pete. it’s playing a Sousa military march as you decide who to blame next.

okay, let’s get the fuck out of here on a high note.

remember Sarah Palin? how could you not? she’s Ground Zero for how we got started in this mess. when she ran as John McCain’s veep in 2008, she ushered in a whole new era of Big Fucking Dumb, wherein the stupidest people on the planet realized they, too, could get their face on TV by going into politics.

a few years ago, Sarah Palin desperately grasped for that 16th minute of fame by suing The New York Times for defamation.

the Times’ crime? pointing out that it was a dumbfuck move to post a graphic of crosshairs over Democratic districts — including Gabby Giffords’, who, you’ll recall, ended up getting shot in the head by a would-be assassin.

The Times editorial argued there was a clear and direct link between the Arizona shooting and the political incitement arising from a digital graphic published in March 2010 by Palin’s political action committee. The graphic was a map that superimposed crosshairs over 20 congressional districts represented by Democrats, including Giffords’.

fast forward to yesterday: she fucking lost.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin lost her defamation retrial against The New York Times over a 2017 editorial she said damaged her reputation, Reuters reported on Tuesday.

The federal jury found the media company not liable after deliberating for about two hours.

enjoy your loss, Sarah. enjoy some tiny violin, while we serenade you back to well-earned obscurity.