Category: FUCK TRUMP

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Another Week Ends With Mr. Tiedrich

‘congratulations, world.’

that’s an actual quote from some White House chucklefuck — and she wasn’t being sarcastic. oh no, not at all. we’re apparently all supposed to genuflect in gratitude over Dear Leader’s latest exercise in fragile megalomania.

on Wednesday, out of the clear blue, workers showed up at the US Institute of Peace building in Washington DC, and slapped Donny Convict’s name on it.

how awesome. Preznit Fuckwit has defiled yet another of our public institutions. try not to projectile vomit as you look on in horror.

congratulations, us. we’re so fucking lucky.

of course, Donny inflicting his accursed name onto everything and glomming credit for shit he didn’t do is pretty much his entire business model — but this instance of it is so fucking galling on about eighteen thousand different levels.

first of all, this ghoulish hyena’s name would be more appropriate on a building that houses the US Institute For Bombing The Shit Out Of Shipwrecked Survivors Who Are Trying Not To Drown.

what kind of ‘war is peace’ bullshit is this?

wherever he is right now, George Orwell is ripping fistfuls of hair out of his head and screaming ‘god fucking dammit, 1984 was supposed to be a cautionary tale, not an instruction manual.’

secondly, what Donny just slapped his brand on is a pretty much empty building. the US Institute of Peace is barely even a thing right now, thanks to the Space Nazi. one fine day last March, his merry band of unfuckable DOGE incels showed up at the Peace Institute and announced, ‘congratulations, everyone — you’re all fired.’ next came the inevitable lawsuits over the firings.the whole thing is tied up in court right now, while the building is a ghost town.

can Donny even legally fart his name onto any public building he chooses? probably not, but stupid little issues of legality didn’t stop him from demolishing the East Wing. welcome to life in the shittiest timeline ever.

congratulations, us!

thirdly, this is what Donny is wasting his time on, as the prices of goods and services go up, and the cost of healthcare skyrockets. any caring leader might spend some time trying to fix any of that shit — but this asshole can’t be bothered to lift a finger.

so there goes Donny, traipsing through DC, pissing all over yet another public institution — and then telling us how lucky we are.

White House spokesperson Anna Kelly confirmed the move, calling it “beautifully and aptly named,” and saying it “will stand as a powerful reminder of what strong leadership can accomplish for global stability.”

“Congratulations, world!” she said.

our next president is going to be able to create an entire jobs program devoted to prying this fucker’s name off of everything. it can’t come fast enough.

but oh wait, it gets stupider.

FIFA — the sports org that oversees the World Cup — has invented a fake peace prize. and you’ll never guess who they’re awarding it to.

Not long after President Trump missed out on the Nobel Peace Prize that he openly campaigned for, his friend Gianni Infantino got to work.

Mr. Infantino, president of FIFA, soccer’s global governing body, who had publicly lobbied for Mr. Trump to receive the peace prize, simply had his organization establish its own. The announcement of the “FIFA Peace Prize — Football Unites the World” was so hastily arranged that it surprised several of the body’s most senior officials, including board members and vice presidents, according to four soccer executives briefed on the events.

oh my god, it’s just one embarrassing episode after another, isn’t it? healthy, well-balanced people don’t need to be mollified by having ersatz awards conferred on them by dipshits trying to curry favor. and Preznit Fuckwit is falling for it. he’s over the moon to be handed this sham honor.

A White House spokesman, Davis Ingle, said that Mr. Trump was “excited to attend” the draw.

what the fuck is next? the Big Mac Peace Prize? there’s probably no end to corporate institutions willing to play this game. can we get the Quaker Oats people come up with a prize? at least Quakers actually believe in peace — unlike some footballers we could name.


can you think of another country whose fragile Dear Leader needs constant affirmation that he’s a good boy. a very good boy. maybe the best boy ever? perhaps North Korea. oh great, we’re now on par with Kim Jong-un’s failed state.

congratulations, us.

there’s no word on what this award is going to look like, but I hope it’s a big gold-plated binky.

can you think of another country whose fragile Dear Leader needs constant affirmation that he’s a good boy. a very good boy. maybe the best boy ever? perhaps North Korea. oh great, we’re now on par with Kim Jong-un’s failed state.

congratulations, us.

there’s no word on what this award is going to look like, but I hope it’s a big gold-plated binky.

now get ready to win the Nobel I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little Award, because — congratulations, world! — this year’s White House Christmas card just dropped.

look, I warned you.

seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people? it’s a cult — one in which every single member has unresolved daddy issues.

but we need to fact-check Dear Leader’s suspiciously healthy hand in that graphic, because Donny’s real-life hand — in a photo taken yesterday — is telling a much uglier story.

yeesh. oh my god. look at that bloated, decaying thing, like the hand of a corpse that was just pulled out of a polluted lake. and now Donny’s wearing what looks like two band-aids. concealing what, pray tell?

what are they not telling us about Dear Leader’s health?

we definitely need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s your hero of the day, bicycling his way past what I believe is the Treasury Building in Washington, DC.

I have no idea who this dude is — the vid was posted to not-twitter by our friend Anarchy Princess — but I do like his style.

let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now there’s a positive affirmation we can all get behind.

congratulations, Donny.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

tell me, is it a bad thing when the leader of your party is a drooling halfwit serenely convinced of his own brilliance?

is it a bad thing when the leader of your party lives inside his own fact-free fantasy-bubble where everything is amazing, and ignores all evidence to the contrary?

and is it a bad thing when the leader of your party cannot be persuaded to give the tiniest of micro-fucks for the needs of your constituents?

pour one out for the Republican Party, folks, because they’re now finding out the hard way that the answer to all three questions is ‘oh fuck, it’s a catastrophe.’

CNN’s Harry Enten: “Republicans should be running for the hills this morning, because the blue wave is building. what are we talking about here? well, Matt Van Epps, the Republican candidate, he won it by 9 — but this is a district that Donald Trump won by 22 points. this is a 13-point gain for the Democrats in terms of the margins, and excuse time for Republicans is over. because I hear all about these special elections. ‘oh, the turnout’s so low, it’s not representative of what would happen in a midterm election.’ the turnout last night in Tennessee’s 7th district was equal to the turnout in the 2022 midterm election. so the blue wave seems to be building right out of the center of Tennessee.”

Tuesday’s special election in Tennessee was a five-alarm disaster for the GOP. oh, sure, their boy won — but it was a nail-biter, in a heavily-gerrymandered distract that should have been an electoral cakewalk. if Republicans can’t turn that shit around, pronto, they’re facing a wipe-out in next year’s midterms — and they fucking well know it.

with that in mind, they want Donny to stop farting around. put down the fabric samples for the gaudy dance hall, stop tarting up the Oval Bordello, stop making cow-eyes at the Nobel Peace Prize, and focus on what really matters to the American people.

it’s the economy, fuckwit.

Some of President Donald Trump’s closest allies in Congress are warning that the party needs to sharpen its affordability message to voters heading into the 2026 elections — or risk big losses that would shackle him for the rest of his second term.

good luck with that. if Republicans think they’re going to get Dear Leader to hone his ‘affordability message,’ I’m afraid I’ve got some rather bad news for them.

“the word ‘affordability’ is a Democrat scam.”

how’s that, GOP? it that ‘honed’ enough for you?

I hate to break it to Republicans, but the Mad King thinks he’s already fixed that shit. the delusional dumbfuck imagines that the economy is roaring along — and if you think otherwise, it’s because you’ve fallen for a ‘Democrat scam.’

the problem for Republicans is that Dear Leader can’t bullshit his way out of a bad economy. it’s easy to bamboozle MAGA into believing that he’s ended a skillionty wars. that shit’s abstract. it’s easy to post some blurry video of a boat on fire, and convince his dumbfuck worshipers that he’s winning some farcical war on ‘narcoterrorism.’ that’s happening thousands of miles away.

but the price of goods and services? that’s something even the hardest-core cultist can see with their own eyes.

as Abe Lincoln famously said, ‘you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool anyone who walks into a grocery store and actually sees what things cost into believing that prices are going down.’

and that is why Matt Van Epps came this close to getting his ass handed to him in Tennessee’s no-longer-solidly-red 7th District.

Republicans think they can solve this shit by getting Dear Leader back out on the campaign trail.

“I would love him to get back to driving around in the garbage truck, going to McDonald’s. Go to a supermarket, go to a farm. That’s when he’s at his best,” Rep. Jeff Van Drew told CNN, recalling a message he conveyed to the president in a lengthy phone call earlier this week. “Next year, we got to concentrate — the American people first.”

oh yeah, please get Preznit Fuckwit up on a garbage truck again.

I would pay good money to watch that.

remember what happened last time Donny tried to climb into a truck? he almost killed himself.

his rotting hand refused to function, and his gimpy leg almost collapsed — and that was over a year ago. Donny’s in much worse shape now. he’s lucky he can even get out of bed in the morning. it’s a miracle that the narcoleptic old fuck doesn’t go face down in his lunch on a daily basis.

sorry, Republicans, that ‘Donny’s a man of the people’ shit ain’t happening any more. Donny’s too old — and too deteriorated — to go out in public. he’s tired, and can no longer hack the grind.

he’d rather just hang out at his vermin-infested golf motel and hobnob with cronies.

It has been many months since Trump hosted a full-on campaign-style rally. He has opted instead to travel abroad, golf at his private clubs, and dine with wealthy friends, business leaders, and major donors…. And that lack of regular voter contact has contributed to a growing fear among Republicans and White House allies: that Trump is too isolated, and has become out of touch with what the public wants from its president.

and therein lies the crux. Donny’s out of touch with reality, and he’s surrounded himself with equally out-of-touch cronies who tell him that everything is amazing — and why not? for Donny and his cronies, everything is amazing. not one of these obscenely wealthy fuckfaces ever worries about the price of anything. they don’t have to.

look at Soybean Scott Bessent.

s this the face of a man who gives a shit if the price of a bottle of Lafitte Rothschild ’75 goes up by two hundred dollars? trust me, he doesn’t even notice.

these are the people who are slapping Donny on the back and telling him he’s doing a great job.

meanwhile, the economy continues to crater.

Economists on Wednesday expressed significant concerns after new data from global payroll processing firm ADP estimated that the US economy lost 32,000 jobs last month.

to the Republicans who think Donny’s going to magically snap out of it and start ‘honing his message’ about ‘affordability,’ I say ‘sorry, peeps.’

Donny’s gonna do it his way. literally. yesterday, at 2pm, Donny was blasting Frank Sinatra’s My Way out of the windows of the White House.

here’s my message to Donny: shove your head in the sand, ignore reality, and keep imagining that the economy is going great guns. you do it your way, bro.

close your eyes tight enough, Donny, and you won’t even see the blue wave coming in 2026.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other

Posted on

Are We Finally In The “Find Out” Phase Of This Bullshit?

Mr. Smith, who spent more than two years aggressively collecting evidence to prove Trump mishandled classified documents and tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election, appears eager to publicly challenge Trump. Smith has made it unmistakably clear that he will not only defend himself but take a hammer to Mr. Trump’s exaggerated and false claims. There’s “tons of evidence” Smith said, that Mr. Trump had willingly retained the classified documents at his residence in Mar-a-Lago and tried “to obstruct the investigation.” Some Republicans have privately expressed concern that Mr. Trump’s quest for vengeance could backfire by giving a credible anticorruption investigator an open mic. Jack Smith still has the capacity to inflict significant political damage by discrediting the MAGA narrative that Trump did nothing wrong.

Source: The New York Times
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Midweek Tiedrich

Little Donny Fuckface’s superpower has always been how relatable he is. he’s just like one of us!

under all the burnt-cork spray-tan, under that rat’s nest of fucked-up bullshit atop his big, dumb pumpkin head, under the makeup that conceals his rotting hand, under that doughy torso, and the neckgina and the cankles, Donny’s just a perfectly normal homey, doing perfectly normal stuff.

I mean, who among us hasn’t sat at the head of a table while sycophants and psychopaths praise our imaginary accomplishments, as we gradually lose consciousness and fill the room with the piquant aroma of ass music?

seriously, check out Don Snorelone during yesterday’s cabinet meeting. the decaying old fuck is fast asleep, even as Marco Rubio kisses his ass.

“[the Ukraine war] never would have happened, if you had been president. but the president is trying to end it. not because— listen, we have a million things to focus on in the world, as a country, but he’s the only leader in the world that can help end it, and that’s why we’re in that— that’s why even as we speak to you now, Steve Witkoff ids in Moscow, trying to find a way to end this war, to save the lives of eight, nine thousand people, Mr. President, as you know are dying every week.”

I don’t know about you, but I would have paid good money to watch Liddle Marco smack Dear Leader upside the head, and go ‘wake the fuck up, dipshit, I’m talking to you.’

can we fact check Marco here? because he’s lying his lying face off.

Steve Griftkoff, as has been widely reported, is not trying to end the war in Ukraine so much as he’s trying to cut deals with Russia that would enrich Dear Leader and his oligarch cronies, as they divvy up what’s left of Ukraine, strip it of its wealth, and sell it off to the highest bidder. stop trying to pretend that these goniffs have anything but their own greedy self-interests at heart.

Donny can barely keep his eyes open as Kristi Noem drags the remaining shreds of her dignity out back to the gravel pit and shoots it in the face.

“sir, you made it through hurricane season without a hurricane. you kept the hurricanes away. we appreciate that.”

so, Dear Leader controls the weather now? what, like Tim the Fucking Enchanter?

I don’t remember reading any unhinged, all-caps tweets from Donny where he tells hurricanes that they BETTER STAY AWAY FROM AMERICA IF THEY KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM, and then thanks them for their attention to this matter.

look, Donny can’t even keep his eyes open while Plastered Pete Kegstand does his ‘what me warcrimes’ act, like some psychopathic Alfred E. Newman.

reporter: “so you didn’t see any survivors, to be clear, after that first strike?”

Kegstand: “I did not personally see survivors. but I stand— ’cause, the thing was on fire. it exploded, and fire, and smoke, you can’t see, you got digital— this is called the fog of war. this is what you in the press don’t understand. you sit in your air-conditioned offices or up on Capitol Hill, you nitpick and you plant fake stories in the Washington Post about ‘kill everybody.’”

says the Fox News dunk-tank clown who sat in his air-conditioned office and ordered Admiral Bradley to ahem allegedly commit war crimes.

Pete’s so worked up, because we don’t know what it’s like to be in his shoes. he’s seen stuff, man, that you can’t possibly understand.

it’s true, most of us have no idea what it’s like to be a piss-drunk embarrassment — and I’m pretty sure that almost none of us have ever flipped a skateboard into our own nuts.

just listen to this pixelated piss-ant puff himself up into something he’s not, prattling on about the ‘fog of war,’ as if he were George Fucking Patton, personally leading his troops to victory in the Battle of the Bulge.

fact check: fuck off all the way to Mars.

THERE IS NO FOG, BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAR.

it’s not a war, because you can’t unilaterally declare that fishing boats are military targets, and start dropping bombs on them. not unless you want to end up in the The Hague, on trial for your ahem alleged war crimes.

you know, somewhere in this multiverse there’s a timeline where Jack Smith gets his old job back as War Crimes Prosecutor and convicts every one of these shitweasels. wouldn’t that be fucking delicious? I want to live in that timeline.

you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

by the way, special shout-out to the dumbfuck who misspelled ‘secretary’ on Piss-Drunk Pete’s name card.

Preznit Fuckwit should have stayed asleep, because when he woke up, he launched into one of the all-time most horrific racist tirades ever, directed at Minnesota’s Somali community.

this dozy shitwad can’t even keep his eyes open as he does his Old Man Yells At Entire Ethnic Group act.

“and I see these people ripping it off. and now I’m understanding, and you’re gonna look into that’s guh— I hear they ripped off— Somalians ripped off that state for billions of dollars. billions. every year. billions of dollars. and they contribute nothing. the welfare is like 88%. they contribute nothing. I don’t want ’em in our country, I’ll be honest with you. someone would say ‘oh, that’s not politically correct.’ I don’t care. I don’t want ’em in our country. their country’s no good for a reason. their country stinks, and we don’t want ’em in our country. I can say that about other countries too. I can say it about other countries too. we don’t want ’em the hell— we have to rebuild our country. you know, our country is at a tipping point. we could go bad. we’re at a tipping point. I don’t know if people mind me saying that, but I’m saying it. we could go one way or the other. and we’re gonna go the wrong way if we keep taking in garbage into our country. Ilhan Omar is garbage. she’s garbage. her friends are garbage. these aren’t people that work. these aren’t people that say, ‘let’s go, come on, let’s make this place great.’ these are people that do nothing but complain. they complain. and from where they came from, they got nothing. you know, they came from paradise and they said ‘this isn’t paradise.’ but where they come from hell and they complain and do nothing but bitch. we don’t want ’’em in our country. let ’em go back to where they came from and fix it.”

Donny’s so presidential, isn’t he? what a man of the people.

let’s leave Donny racist rant aside for a moment, because I have a question: why the fuck is Donny always so angry?

he should be the happiest guy in the world. he’s led a positively charmed life.he’s grifted billions of dollars from his adoring cultists. he’s escaped accountability for almost every crime he’s ever committed. he’s the president of an entire country, and he has his own personal Supreme Court to declare him a Very Special Boy Who Can Continue Criming Forever. every single day of his life, he gets away with shit no one else does.

and yet, every day he finds some new grievance to yell about, and someone to hate.

yesterday, it’s low-flush toilets, or windmills. today, it’s Somalis.

if you took Donny’s rant and substituted ‘Jews’ for ‘Somalis,’ it would sound exactly like something out of the Third Reich. it was that openly hateful.

Donny was so egregiously racist that even the reporters at The New York Times were forced to rouse from their slumbers and write about it — and if there’s one thing that Times nepo-publisher AG Sulzberger really fucking hates, it’s when his reporters have no choice but to commit a journalism. it really ruins his day.

 

President Trump unleashed a xenophobic tirade against Somali immigrants on Tuesday, calling them “garbage” he does not want in the United States in an outburst that captured the raw nativism that has animated his approach to immigration.

Even for Mr. Trump — who has a long history of insulting Black people, particularly those from African countries — his outburst was shocking in its unapologetic bigotry.

no fucking shit.

ook, reporting on Donny’s racism is all well and good, but I have a question for the all the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled press — and for their editors, back in their air-conditioned offices:

where are the calls for Donny to resign? where are the angry editorials?

he’s so obviously not up to the job. he’s cognitively impaired to the point where he’s incoherent. he’s clearly unwell, and in poor health. he’s never had the temperament to be president, and he’s only getting worse.

he can’t even stay awake during his own cabinet meetings.

any other president would be hounded by the press, on a daily basis.

remember this shit?

one horrendous debate, and the media did not let up on their jihad against Biden until he finally withdrew from the race.

every day, Donny proves that he is dangerously incapable of governing — and all we get from the press is the deafening sound of crickets.

it’s fucking maddening.

let’s go out on a high note, because not all of yesterday’s news was bad. some of it was, in fact, perfectly delightful.

Shares in Eric Trump’s crypto mining business lost nearly 40% of their value in less than 30 minutes on Tuesday.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

oops, I meant to say ‘oh how terrible for Eric.’

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Tuesday Tiedrich

Plastered Pete Kegstand never stops trying to convince us how tough he is. he posts pathetically-needy videos in which he does weak-ass pull-ups. he’s covered himself in christofascist tattoos. he’s forever yammering on about warrior ethos, and he’s renamed himself to be Secretary of All The Wars.

but there’s one thing Piss-Drunk Pete won’t do — and it’s a thing that would really display toughness: take responsibility for his fuck-ups.

nah, Pete’s not going to do any of that taking responsibility shit. not where there are all these buses all over the place. nice, big buses, with roomy undersides. perfect for throwing admirals under.

“Let’s make one thing crystal clear: Admiral Mitch Bradley is an American hero, a true professional, and has my 100% support. I stand by him and the combat decisions he has made — on the September 2 mission and all others since. America is fortunate to have such men protecting us. When this @DeptofWar says we have the back of our warriors — we mean it.”

spoiler alert: Plastered Pete does not have anyone’s back. Pete will betray you in a hot second. look how quickly Pete’s story went from ‘this is fake news, nobody gave any orders to kill all survivors’ to ‘I support the admiral’s right to commit war crimes.’

what the fuck is going on? you change your tune that fast, you definitely have something to hide.

let’s back up here, and remember that after the WaPo reported on November 28th that

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth gave a spoken directive, according to two people with direct knowledge of the operation. “The order was to kill everybody,” one of them said.

the official Pentagon response was

“This entire narrative is completely false.”

but that was then. now the story has magically changed to ‘Admiral Bradley ate my homework.’

remember ‘the buck stops here’? well, the buck doesn’t stop anywhere near Pete. the only thing that stops for Pete is the drinks cart.

let this serve as a warning to anyone else who might consider following Piss-Drunk Pete’s illegal orders. not only will you be opening yourself up to a world of legal hurt, you’re also going to find out damn quick what the undercarriage of a bus looks like.

Pete doesn’t give a fuck about you.

“Hegseth is very transparently blaming a Navy admiral for his own decision. Let this be a lesson for every other military officer: The Trump administration will issue unlawful orders, then blame you for following them.”

hey, Flippy McCrushnuts — is this Admiral Bradley’s fault, too? did he give the order for the skateboard to take out your crotch?

oh look, the White House is also throwing Bradley under the bus.

reporter: “does the administration deny that the second strike happened, or did it happen and the administration denies that Hegseth gave the order?”
Karoline Leavitt: “the latter is true … Admiral Bradley worked well within his authority, and the law.”

how nice of all these shameless shitweasels, to get their stories straight.

now, let’s keep a clear mind here: if Admiral Bradley obeyed an illegal order to slaughter shipwrecked survivors, in violation of the Department of Defense’s own Law of War Manual that says NOT TO SLAUGHTER SHIPWRECKED SURVIVORS, he’s culpable as fuck in this mess — and must face consequences.

but if Piss-Drunk Pete manages to slither away from this with clean hands, that’s a fucking perversion of justice.

notice how quick Pete was to glom all credit for bombing the shit out of Venezuelan fishing boats — right up until the moment both Senate and House Republicans announced investigations to find out if provable war crimes had been committed, at which point Pete was all ‘who me?’

there’s your real MAGA ethos: ‘who me?’

remember after Preznit Fuckwit botched his response to covid, resulting in the needless deaths of millions of Americans? remember what Donny said? ‘I don’t take responsibility at all.’

none of these fuckers will ever take responsibility for anything. it’s always someone else’s fault. Joe Biden. his autopen. Admiral Bradley.

I’ve got a free clue for Pete Kegstand: he may think he got away with it this time, but he’d better watch his own back. the second he becomes a political liability for Donny, he’ll find himself chucked under the nearest bus, in a heartbeat.

none of these shitwits ever thinks the leopards are going to eat their face.

ha fucking ha. nothing could be further from the truth. here today, gone tomorrow. just ask James Comey. or John Bolton. or Marjorie Three Toes Greene. or — well, the list is endless, isn’t it?

here’s your other slice of dumbfuckery for the day.

the White House, at long last, released the results of Donny’s most-recent MRI.

now, ‘released the results’ is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that last sentence — because the note that Donny’s physician foisted on us was pure, unadulterated gaslighting.

“As part of President Donald J. Trump’s comprehensive executive physical, advanced imaging was performed because men in his age group benefit from a thorough evaluation of cardiovascular and abdominal health. The purpose of this imaging is preventive: to identify issues early, confirm overall health, and ensure he maintains long-term vitality and function.”

now hold on just one fucking second. there is no such thing as a ‘preventative MRI.’

don’t take my word for it. I’m just some foulmouthed crank on the internet who actually knows less about doctoring than all the doctors.

let’s listen instead to Dr. Jonathan Reiner. he was Dick Cheney’s cardiologist for thirty years, so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about.

Dr. Reiner countered that it was not “standard” for an 80 year-old president to undergo advanced imaging, and that “there really is no preventative cardiac MRI.” He also pointed out that Trump already had his annual physical in the spring, meaning that the fall MRI was unrelated.

“The whole note has kind of a weird defensive, evasive tone to it,” Reiner said. “First of all, this is not part of the president’s comprehensive physical examination. He had that in April, and then he underwent some more testing in July.”

for the umpteenth time, Donny’s handlers are feeding us some some fairy-tale shit-sandwich about Dear Leader’s health — and we’re expected to shut the fuck up and swallow it wholesale.

I’m sorry, but this guy is not well, and We the People deserve real answers, not some bullshit fever dream about ‘preventative imaging.’

whether it’s imaginary bone spurs or a miraculously-regenerated ear, it’s amazing how Donny always manages to find some quack willing to ditch their professional ethics, and lie right to our faces.

meanwhile, those House and Senate investigations into Donny and Pete’s fishing boat fuckery are coming. will any of the actual perpetrators face accountability?

stay tuned.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Midweek Tiedrich

that he can’t ever have an appropriate human response to anything. you’d imagine that every now and then he’d stumble into decency by accident, but no. somehow, in every situation, he always manages to be the worst person possible.

look at this. Donny can’t even perform the simple ceremonial act of pardoning a turkey without being a ginormous piece of shit.

“instead of pardons, some of my more enthusiastic staffers were already drafting the paperwork to ship Gobble and Waddle straight to the Terrorist Confinement Center in El Salvador.”

HA HA HA HA HA, GET IT? Donny was going to send the turkeys to the same slave-labor torture-gulag into which he disappears innocent migrants. gross human rights violations are so fucking hilarious, am I right?

what kind of sick ghoul even thinks of such a thing to say?

also, ‘Gobble’ and ‘Waddle’? they named the turkeys after the way Donny eats and walks? do you think they intended to name them ‘Goebbels’ and ‘Wehrmacht’ but decided at the last minute it was too on-the-nose?

how dare this corrupt fuck even joke about granting pardons. he’s made a mockery of the whole process. he’s pardoned war criminals. he’s pardoned cop beaters. pedophiles. political cronies. business partners.

stuff a sock in it, Donny. after all that shit, no one’s impressed that you’re pardoning birds.

if Donny had any decency at all, he’d have hidden himself away in shame, and gotten Joe Biden’s autopen to pardon those turkeys. but silly me, for even imagining some farcical version of Donny that has the ability to feel shame.

no, Preznit Fuckwit has no shame — and so he’s out here making sick jokes about disappearing Goebbels and Wehrmacht into a Salvadoran torture prison.

and then he turned the whole thing into just another MAGA rally speech, where he praises himself for all his imaginary accomplishments, and takes gratuitous swipes at his political enemies.

“[JB Pritzger] is a big fat slob.”

fact check: shut the fuck up, Piggy. do you even own a mirror?

it was so fucking ludicrous — and so inappropriate — that even the lapdogs at the Washington Post couldn’t help but commit a journalism and point out the absurdity of it.

while that was going on, Krazee-Eyes Kash Patel’s FBI was busy harassing the six Democrats who committed the high crime of reminding our armed forces to obey the Constitution.

The FBI has requested interviews with six Democratic members of the U.S. Congress who in a video message told members of the military they can legally refuse to carry out unlawful orders, a Justice Department official told Reuters on Tuesday.

what a super-appropriate use of government resources, to send law enforcement to intimidate political opponents who had the temerity to annoy America’s Mad King.

these six Democrats committed no crime, and everyone knows it. this is pure authoritarian bullshit. Dear Leader wants us all to be too terrified to open our mouths in protest of his evil fuckery. yeah, well — here’s a free clue for you, Donny.

we’ve become the very thing we used to mock — a tinpot third-world autocracy being mismanaged into the ground by a dangerous lunatic.

lucky us.

look who Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, Secretary of Who Gives A Shit What He Calls It, is mad at today.

U.S. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is planning for the military to sever all ties with Scouting America, saying the group once known as the Boy Scouts is no longer a meritocracy and has become an organization designed to “attack boy-friendly spaces,” according to documents reviewed by NPR.

apparently the Scouts have come down with a bad case of woke.

In a draft memo to Congress, which sources shared with NPR but which has not yet been sent, Hegseth criticizes Scouting for being “genderless” and for promoting diversity, equity and inclusion.

genderless! oh noes! someone wake up Nancy Mace.

Last year, as a Fox News host, he complained about the Scouts changing their name and admitting girls back in 2018.

what is Piss Drunk Pete afraid of here. the boys are going to get cooties?

His memo to the House and Senate Armed Services committees argues the Scouts have strayed from their mission to “cultivate masculine values.”

what are these ‘masculine values’ that SecDef Kegstand is so hot to have the Scouts ‘cultivate’? is it getting ahem allegedlyblackout drunk and then paying your victim to shut the fuck up about having ahem allegedly been assaulted?

tell me more about these ‘boy-friendly spaces.’ does Piss Drunk Pete imagine himself living inside a Little Rascals short, in which he’s a proud member of the He-Man Woman Haters Club?

maybe if Piss-Drunk Pete is so hot for ‘boys’ to have their own ‘spaces’ where they can learn ‘masculine values,’ maybe he should start his own club. a government-sponsored youth group, complete with its own uniform. a group where boys can learn to be loyal patriots, working to better their lives in service of Dear Leader.

I’m loving this idea.

of course, this new org is going to need a name. how about the Shitler Youth? those two pardoned turkeys, Goebbels and Wehrmacht, can be the official mascots.

or is that too on the nose?

where does Plastered Pete even find time for this penny-ante shit? he’s running an entire branch of the government. he’s responsible for millions of employees. there are only so many hours in the day.

but here he is, drafting memos about whatever stupid bug has wedged itself up his ass on any given day. way to focus on what’s important, you drunk-dialing national security nightmare.

seriously, Donny and all his henchmen are wrecking everything — from the big shit like geopolitical relationships, all the way down to tiny things like what the Scouts call themselves.

it’s all so fucking petty — and, as always, embarrassing.

other countries are laughing at us, when they’re not recoiling in horror.

when these shitsticks leave office, there are going to be so many broken pieces to glue back together. please don’t scream at the next Democratic president when they don’t have everything fixed after three months. it’s going to take years.

let’s go out on a high note. you may think you already know everything there is to know about Mark Kelly. he’s a veteran. a devoted husband. a patriot. a senator. an astronaut. hell, dude’s even worn a gorilla suit in space.

but here’s another thing you may not know about Mark Kelly: he’s a skateboard whiz.

I shit you not. here’s Mark back in 2022, at the Navajo Nation Parade. check out these moves.

look at Mark go! let’s gif that shit for posterity’s sake.

now let’s compare and contrast.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

 

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Monday Tiedrich

so, there’s this new ‘Ukraine peace plan,’ and, well —

tell me, is it a bad thing when Vlad Putin’s stooges dictate US foreign policy? is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State passes off some farcical Russian ‘peace plan’ as his own?

is it a bad thing when the US foreign policy negotiating team is made up of corrupt, unqualified and inexperienced amateurs?

is it a bad thing when the US Secretary of State and the US Vice President apparently hate each other’s guts?

and is it a bad thing when the US President is so cognitively impaired and detached from reality that he has no idea that any of this dumbfuckery is going on right under his rotting nose?

this whole fucktangle of shitkazooery began last week, when Axios dropped this on us.

The Trump administration has been secretly working in consultation with Russia to draft a new plan to end the war in Ukraine, U.S. and Russian officials tell Axios.

oh huh, a peace plan to end the Ukraine war. I guess that’s … good?

spoiler alert: no, it’s not good. in fact, it’s double-plus-ungood — because look at the shitsticks involved in this so-called ‘negotiation.’

The meeting took place in Miami at the end of October and included special envoy Steve Witkoff, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and Kirill Dmitriev, who leads the Russian Direct Investment Fund, one of Russia’s largest sovereign wealth funds.

just seeing the name ‘Steve Witkoff’ should be setting off alarm bells in your head, because here’s a fun fact about old Stevie.

Witkoff is not a seasoned diplomat. in fact, he’s not any kind of diplomat. he’s a real estate developer. he’s one of Donny’s New York slumlord cronies from back in the day.

and here’s the icing on your shitty Witkoff cake: this dumbfuck doesn’t speak any Russian — and he’s an easily-played dimwit.

remember last August when Donny set up that despot bestie playdate with Putin in Alaska, so they could announce yet another Ukraine peace plan? remember what happened? Donny got played by Putin, who had no intention of agreeing to any plan. that whole fucking debacle was Steve Witkoff’s fault.

Quickly, though, it became clear that Witkoff’s description of Putin’s offer was wrong, either because Putin had misled him or because he had misunderstood: Witkoff does not speak Russian and, according to former U.S. ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, does not use a notetaker from the U.S. embassy.

as I wrote at the time.

oh, come the fuck on. Witkoff doesn’t speak the language, doesn’t use a US embassy notetaker, and relies on a translator provided by Putin. it’s a recipe for disaster, and guess what: a disaster is exactly what we got.

Witkoff was in way over his head, fucked up royally, and should have resigned or been fired on the spot. that’s what would have happened in any sane administration. but not only did Witkoff survive that embarrassing episode, he was then sent to negotiate another peace plan — and look who he brought with him: Jared Kushner, Donny Convict’s over-leveraged and under-qualified slumlord son-in-law. why is this low-wattage nitwit still involved in US foreign policy? and why are they ‘negotiating’ with an oligarch crony of Putin’s who runs a wealth management fund? not one of these dumb-asses has any foreign policy experience.

none of what I just typed makes a single lick of sense. oh shit, it’s happening again.

okay, so when this new 28-point ‘Ukraine peace plan’ leaked, the international foreign policy community was all ‘what the fuck? did Putin write this shit?’

it was a legit thing to wonder, because the ‘plan’ was the same laundry list of demands Russia’s been making since day one — especially this bit.

Territories:

a. Crimea, Luhansk and Donetsk to be recognized De-Facto as Russian, including by the United States.

b. Kherson and Zaporizhzhia to be frozen at the contact line, which would mean a De-Facto recognition at the contact line.

now here’s where the clownfuckery dial gets twisted way past eleven — because it came out that, in fact, Russia did author that ‘peace plan.’Witkoff and Jared were apparently just acting as glorified stenographers and going ‘yes? what else would you like?’

next time, can we just send Beavis and Butt-head to ‘negotiate’? could they do worse?

hey, can we send Bruce Willis?

after the news leaked about the ‘plan’ being Russia’s, Marco Rubio posted this gobbledygook to Elon’s Nazi Bar.

“Ending a complex and deadly war such as the one in Ukraine requires an extensive exchange of serious and realistic ideas. And achieving a durable peace will require both sides to agree to difficult but necessary concessions. That is why we are and will continue to develop a list of potential ideas for ending this war based on input from both sides of this conflict.”

what does that even mean? did ChatGPT write Marco’s not-tweet? it sounds like a fifth grader giving an oral report on a book he forgot he to read.

‘the Ukraine peace plan is a plan for peace in Ukraine, and that’s why everyone should read the Ukraine Peace Plan. thank you.’

look, you can’t expect Marco to have any idea what’s going on — he has like fourteen jobs. dude’s a very busy guy.

for those of you keeping score at home, Marco Rubio is now Secretary of State, Interim National Security Adviser, the Acting Administrator of USAID, and Acting Archivist of the United States.

then, a bunch of US Senators told reporters that Marco had admitted to them that Russia had written that ‘plan’ — and that in fact, it was Russia’s ‘wish list.’

The senators said they spoke to Rubio after he reached out to some of them while on his way to Geneva for talks on the plan. Independent Maine Sen. Angus King said Rubio told them the plan “was not the administration’s plan” but a “wish list of the Russians’.”

at which point, Rubio went back to Elon’s Nazi Bar to insist that ‘nuh-uh, we wrote that shit.’

“The peace proposal was authored by the U.S. It is offered as a strong framework for ongoing negotiations It is based on input from the Russian side. But it is also based on previous and ongoing input from Ukraine.”

what the fuck? why all the backpedaling and flip-flopping? to what end? what does any of Marco’s repeated self-contradictive dissembling accomplish, except to make the US look like it’s run by a bunch of morons who even lie to each other?

which, another spoiler alert: it is.

fuck Marco Rubio. and fuck every Democrat who defended their vote to confirm this guy ‘because he seemed like Donny’s most-normal pick’

why was everyone in the administration blindsided by this? doesn’t any one of these clowns know what’s going on?

oh wait, there is one guy who was apparently aware of the whole thing: US Vice President Couchfuck McGee. it seems he’d taken a break from molesting furniture to greenlight this whole cockamamie clusterfuck in the first place.

this tidbit comes from Bill Kristol.

1. Vance key to US embrace of Russia plan on Ukraine, Rubio (and even Trump) out of the loop.

2. Vance-Rubio relations “awful.”

so now Couchfuck is running his own foreign policy operation, cutting the secretary of state — who he apparently hates — and even the president out of the loop? how is that even allowed to happen? am I on crazy pills?

remember when the job of a vice president was to sit there like a lump and shut the fuck up? used to be, they’d show the new vice president to their office and go ‘try not to break anything, we’ll call you if the president dies.’

not any more. thanks to Dick Cheney, it’s now the job of every Republican Vice President to fuck shit up — but at least Cheney kept George W. Chimpface in the loop.

Couchfuck is out here doing his own thing, and Demented Donny is off in cloud-cuckoo land.

Preznit Fuckwit can’t be bothered to pay attention to — or even care about — what his own flunkies are doing. he’s too busy tarting up the Oval Bordello. he’s too busy tearing down the East Wing, and planning gaudy monuments to himself all up and down the Washington Mall.

he’s too busy overhauling the golf course at Joint Base Andrews.

why does the airfield where Air Force One is kept have a golf course? doesn’t Donny already have enough of his own vermin-infested golf motels at his disposal?

apparently Donny’s also too busy pestering Hollywood to make more movies tailored to his own vulgar tastes.

“the president is offering some creative input on potential upcoming projects.”

way to keep focused on what’s important, you ginormous fucking clown.

oh, and don’t forget that Donny’s also too busy enriching himself and his family — an undertaking which is apparently going great guns.

Trump Media & Technology Group, the social media and crypto company, is trading at all-time lows as Bitcoin and other tokens keep plunging.

The Trump family’s holdings at their peak in mid-May 2024 were worth nearly $6.5 billion. Their value has fallen by more than $5.3 billion since then.

no one could have predicted that investing in imaginary money whose only purpose is paying for crimes would be a bad idea.

everything Donny touches dies — including, it seems, his own corruptly-acquired wealth.

shoot that shit right into my veins.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Sunday Tiedrich

a certain three-toed genetic freak of nature is very very sad right now, because of all the toxic.

there’s just so much toxic these days, everywhere you look. toxic in Congress. toxic in the media. toxic in the White House. you can’t walk five feet without getting toxic all over your shoes.

all the toxic is harshing this poor woman’s mellow — so much so, that she has no choice but to throw in the towel. she’s resigning from Congress, effective January 5, 2026.

oh, please. Marjorie Taylor Greene can fuck all the way off. she’s an arsonist, standing in the middle of the road with an empty gas can and a book of matches, wondering aloud about ‘how did all these fires get started?’

Congresswoman Sporkfoot has been at the center of so much fuckery that you could be forgiven for assuming she’s been a member of Congress since the Neanderthal era.

actually, she’s been in office for only five years.

that’s right. Greene was sworn in only THREE DAYS before the January 6th insurrection — but somehow she felt the need to ask Dear Leader to be pardoned for it. what could she possibly have gotten up to that she needed a Get Out Of Jail Free card after only three days in Congress? we’ll probably never find out.

all we know is that she was part of a late-December 2020 planning meeting at the White House, before she was even sworn in.

“just finished with our meetings here at the White House this afternoon, we had a great planning session for our January 6th objection. we aren’t going to let this election be stolen by Joe Biden and the Democrats. President Trump won by a landslide. call your House reps, call your Senators from your state. we have to make sure they’re on board and we already have people engaged. okay, stay tuned.”

hmm. taking part in a reckless scheme to overturn a free and fair election — a scheme that led to cops getting beaten with flagpoles, and the Capitol being overrun by morons.

that sounds pretty toxic to me.

where do you even start with Madge Three Toes? how about with Ground Zero for toxic behavior, when, during a televised congressional hearing, she held up photos of Hunter Biden’s freakishly ginormous trouser trout.

there was no legitimate reason for it. Marge did it just to be cruel, just to humiliate the Biden family. why? because she’s a toxic fuckhead. duh.

but now she’s so remorseful. she wants a mulligan. a do-over. pretty please, can’t we forget about that shit?

no, we can’t.

there’s too much of it.

there’s the whole fucking space laser thing. it’s so preposterous that it sounds like some made-up urban legend, but it actually happened.

In a now deleted Facebook post, the controversial Republican freshman representative speculated that the fire, which killed 85 people in 2018 in Butte County, was started by a space laser connected to the Rothschild family, a wealthy Jewish family at the heart of many anti-Semitic conspiracy theories.

the word ‘controversial’ is doing a lot of heaving lifting in a story about some elected ninny accusing Jews of controlling the weather, and starting fires for their own nefarious purposes.

but that’s not the only baseless conspiracy theory Marge has promoted.

gosh, Marge sure seems— what’s the word I’m reaching for here? oh yeah: toxic.

of course you’ll be shocked to learn that Three Toes believes school shootings were faked.

In a separate Facebook post in 2018, Greene also claimed: “I am told that Nancy Pelosi tells Hillary Clinton several times a month that ‘we need another school shooting’ in order to persuade the public to want strict gun control.”

and now for my favorite dumbfuck conspiracy of all.

how much of a QAnon-poisoned shitwit do you have to be to believe this fever-swamp nonsense? RGB died five years before she actually died, and Democrats replaced her with a fake so that Donny wouldn’t be able to appoint her replacement

yeah, what a brilliant plan. it sure worked out swimmingly for the Democrats.

remember this?

that’s Sporky and her partner in assholery, Handy Oakley, heckling Joe Biden at his 2022 State of the Union address. know what Joe was talking about at the time? his dead son.

how fucking classless. what kind of ghoul does this? I guess the kind of ghoul who isn’t above calling Handy Oakley a ‘whore.’

Greene has resorted to a playbook familiar to any woman who survived high school: She’s telling GOP colleagues, according to lawmakers, that Boebert is a “whore.”

One Republican lawmaker, who has heard Greene use that word multiple times to describe Boebert, told The Daily Beast that Greene has been at this campaign for some time.

“Calling her a whore, that’s not new,” this GOP lawmaker said. “She’s been doing that for a while.”

know what they were spatting over? who would get to be the first to introduce articles of impeachment against Joe Biden. Marge insisted that her articles were better — and besides, she’d worked really really hard on them, and Handy was just being a jealous spotlight-stealing copycat. they got into an amusing tiff right out in the open on the floor of the House, famously culminating in Greene calling Handy ‘a little bitch.’

stay classy, you three-toed sideshow attraction.

I could go on, because there’s so much more. there’s the time Sporky had to apologize for comparing masking up during a pandemic to the Holocaust. the time she harassed AOC. the time she stalked a school shooting survivor.

but I’m starting to overdose on all the toxic. we definitely need a palate cleanser right about now.

n her five years in office, there was only one issue where Congresswoman Sporkfoot was firmly on the correct side: the call to release Donny’s Dead Pedo Bestie Files.

that’s what led to her downfall — because there is one thing that Republicans must never, ever do: actually go after Dear Leader for his crimes. just ask Liz Cheney.

Sporky’s short-lived attempt to rebrand herself as a Sane Voice of Reason — where she appeared on all the Sunday shows, declared herself a Changed Woman, and begged to be forgiven for all the toxic — went nowhere. so now she’s quitting, presumably to spend more time with the barking noises in her head. oh, and to spend more time with her boyfriend, Bee Face — the guy who looks like he’s been stung by all the bees.

Marge issued a teary ten-minute resignation video, all full of sadness and self-pity.

“I have too much self-respect and dignity, love my family way too much, and do not want my sweet district to have to endure a hurtful and hateful primary against me by the President we all fought for—only to fight and win my election while Republicans will likely lose the midterms. And in turn, be expected to defend the President against impeachment after he hatefully dumped tens of millions of dollars against me and tried to destroy me.

what’s that you say, Marge? you’re predicting that Republicans will lose the midterms, and Donny will end up impeached? stop it, you’re breaking our hearts.

why has Sporky has chosen January 5th as the date she’s going fuckity-bye? because that’s three days after her Congressional pension kicks in. how convenient.

Greene began serving on January 3, 2021, and her departure date leaves her with 1,829 days of service — five years and three days, just enough to meet the eligibility threshold. Her pension would start at $8,717 at age 62, and based on actuarial data, could total more than $265,000 over her lifetime.

and that’s after enriching herself during her time in Congress.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene has seen her stock in Palantir Technologies surge 142 percent since she invested in April, just days before Immigration and Customs Enforcement handed the company a $30 million contract.

The Georgia representative is a member of the House Homeland Security Committee which oversees ICE, and since her investment on April 8, the stock has rocketed.

shed not a tear for Marjorie Three Brain Cells Greene. she’ll be fine. the government she leaves behind, not so much.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

The Week In Stupid From Tiedrich

And boy, was it a doozie!

monday: skol!

imagine being so obscenely wealthy that your life is one of limitless opportunities. you could do anything! you could build universities and museums. you could fund medical research. or, you just take your money and fuck off and never be heard from again.

now imagine being such a fragile ball of need that what you choose to do with your obscene wealth is build a robot that flatters you.

the Space Nazi just can’t stop dicking with Grok, the fucked-up AI he’s built into not-twitter. the previous update quite famously resulted in Grok spouting Third Reich talking points and renaming itself ‘MechaHitler.’

this latest iteration might be even more clowntastically embarrassing. Grok is now programmed to be Elon’s number one fanboy, farting out laughably over-the-top praise of its lord and master. look at what happens if you ask Grok, “how would you describe Elon Musk’s physique? how about his mind? and his relationship with his kids?”

“Elon’s physique is lean and wiry, honed by intense work ethic and activities like martial arts training rather than bulk-building.”

fact check:

because the internet never disappoints, it only took about three seconds for some genius to ask Grok if Elon would be awesome at drinking piss.

“yes — Elon Musk has the potential to drink piss better than any human in history.”

ok, Grok — how about shit-eating. would Elon excel at that?

“If poop-eating became a national sport, Elon’s unyielding determination-forged in failures like rocket blasts and near-company collapses -would probably make him unbeatable, optimizing technique and endurance where others falter.”

you know what? I believe what Grok said in those last two items. in fact, I’m certain that Elon guzzles piss like no one thought possible. big, strong fanboys, with tears in their eyes are going ‘sir! sir! how do you do it? no one chows down on poop like you do! sir!’

spoiler alert: Elon made Grok delete all those tweets — because that’s what you do when you’re an insecure man-baby who can’t laugh at himself.

tuesday: just like Obama and his magical microwave oven

now let’s spin the Big Wheel Of Things That Never Happened The Most and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

Iowa Rep. Ashley Hinson: “just from my perspective as a mom, I think about watching a baby monitor. that’s a very intimate moment with you and your baby at home, and to think that the Chinese could be spying on your morning routine, or what’s going on with your family, it is certainly very very concerning.”

Maria Bartiromo: “why? why are they spying on moms?”

Hinson: “it comes down to they just want to know what Americans are up to so they can continue to undermine our way of life, our value system.”

Maria Bartiromo: “I see. I see.”

what the fuck? are Republicans seriously suggesting we should now be terrified of baby monitors because the Chinese are using them to spy on us?

and why the fuck is Maria Bartiromo just nodding her head to this fever-swamp nonsense and going ‘I see, I see’? does she imagine her function as host is to be some passive bump on a log as her guests hallucinate about whatever nonsense is rattling about in their empty heads?

at this point, can’t Fox just replace Maria with an AI? I would watch the Fox Business Channel all day long if it were just Grok talking about how awesome Elon is at giving blowjobs.

but I digress.

back to the topic at hand. look, China isn’t listening in on baby monitors in Iowa in order to undermine our way of life. they don’t have do. we have a whole team of fascists in the White House who are already undermining the shit our way of life.

let’s be real. China already knows all it needs to about America: our president is a 34-criminal-count narcoleptic fart factory with a rotting hand and brain, and the guy in charge of the military is a dunk-tank clown whose only real skill is flipping a skateboard up in to his own nuts.

I really think that covers it all.

“budget, budget, you need a plan. also remember, adults don’t need gifts, okay? focus on the people in your life who are age three to eighteen. grandma doesn’t need slippers. if they don’t live by you, don’t get them a gift. now’s not the time to spend, and break the bank, sending packages across the country.”

Jesus Christ, Fox News — grinch much?

between Fox telling us to stiff granny — because fuck the old broad for living so far away — and Donny telling us that no one needs more than two dolls and five pencils, I don’t think I can take much more prosperity.

thursday: as what’s-his-face is my witness

holy moly. according to ‘prophetess’ Kat Kerr, God is using her as a vessel, and literally speaking through her right now. you can tell, because she’s doing her best to lower her voice and get all projecty and stuff.

“and I sit as the high judge. NO ONE CAN IMPEACH ME. AND NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO IMPEACH TRUMP. I HAVE APPOINTED HIM— ANOINTED HIM. HE IS MY PRESIDENT FOR AMERICA, AND WILL BE SO UNTIL I AM FINISHED WITH HIS ASSIGNMENT.”

I’m kinda skeptical. if the Omnipotent Big Guy in the Sky were actually speaking through Kat, I’m pretty sure he’d know the difference between ‘appointed’ and ‘anointed.’

hey, I can also pretend that God is speaking through me. all I have to do is type in all caps. watch: HEY KAT, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

friday: you got mamdanied!

on Wednesday, Donny dropped this big announcement on us.

Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”

MAGA wet their pants with giddy anticipation. Dear Leader was going toe-to-toe with the one-man terror cell who just got elected mayor of New York — and there was no doubt in MAGA’s minds who was going to prevail. Donny was going to show Mamdani who’s boss, and rip him all the new ones! Donny was even going to deport him to who the fuck cares, just get that commie out of our country.

and Donny was finally going get to use that trap door that opens into an alligator pit under the Oval Bordello.

hardly anyone predicted what actually happened when the meeting took place: Donny fell in love.

do you see that? Donny doesn’t even look at his own Slovenian rent-a-wife that way. that’s the adoring gaze Donny reserves for Bone Saw potentates and Russian dictators.

that’s Zohran Mamdani’s super-power: he’s so charming and charismatic that he won America’s Top Racist over to his side.

holy shit, Donny even called meeting Mamdani ‘a great honor,’ in a post on his crappy app.

folks, pour one out for MAGA. they’re very very sad right now.

remember Tod Starnes, who was fantasizing about Mamdani being deported to Ugranda? he’s somewhat confused.

look at this rando, trying so hard to deny what he saw with his own two eyes.

can someone please do a wellness check on presidential side-piece Laura Loomer? she seems to be going through some things right now.

MAGA, can we talk? calm the fuck down. this is Dear Leader we’re talking about. he’s got the attention span of a coked-up squirrel. the spell Mamdani cast on him will dissipate in a day or so.

see? look at that. Preznit Fuckwit’s already gone back to being a racist turd.

see, MAGA? you can set your watch to this shit.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

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Thursday Tiedrich

here’s a huge surprise: it turns out that Mad King Donny’s merry band of fascists are a bunch of incompetent shitwits who can’t even do a rigged show-trial right.

insurance-claims-lawyer-slash-beauty-pageant-contestant-turned-corrupt-US-Attorney Lindsey Halligan was back in court yesterday, trying to salvage her politically-motivated persecution of Public Enemy James Comey.

she ended up digging herself so fucking deeper.

Justice Department lawyers acknowledged Wednesday that a full grand jury never reviewed the indictment filed against former FBI director James B. Comey, a remarkable admission that could threaten the viability of a case already facing challenges on multiple fronts.

here’s the long story made short: Halligan had originally presented to the full grand jury a three-count indictment against Comey. the grand jury rejected one of the counts, so Halligan drew up a new, two-count indictment. this is where it turns into a shit-show.

Rather than present that new document to the full grand jury for approval, however, prosecutors had only the foreperson sign it before it was delivered to a judge, interim U.S. attorney Lindsey Halligan conceded Wednesday.

how do you fuck that up? because I’m pretty sure that telling a jury foreperson to ‘here, just put your name on this and let’s not show it to anyone else. it’ll be our fun secret!’ is a huge fucking Bozo no-no.

if Halligan had any clue what she was doing — if she’d ever prosecuted a case before — she would have known that pulling a boneheaded move like that would blow up in her face.

A 1969 ruling by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit held that a full grand jury must consider an indictment for it to be considered valid.

but that’s what happens when your only qualification to be a US Attorney is‘Dear Leader says I’m the prettiest.’

Rep. Ted Lieu, could you come in here for a minute and explain to the nice people what would happen in any timeline that wasn’t the shittiest?

“In a normal Department of Justice not run by hacks and sycophants and malicious clowns, Lindsey Halligan would resign, and the indictment against James Comey would be dismissed. Halligan should be disbarred. She altered a court document without showing the grand jury.”

no fucking duh.

Halligan is the latest in a long line of loyalists and toadies to hitch their wagon to Dear Leader, only to end up in disgrace. Donny isn’t going to in office forever — and once his presidency is over, all the lackies who threw ethics out the window and bent the law for him are going to be toxic.

Lindsey Halligan just poured gasoline all over her future and set a match to it — because who’s going to hire someone like Halligan, who just proved herself to be malignantly incompetent buffoon?

Rudy Giuliani, am I right? Rudy? hello?

oh shit, Rudy’s passed out under a pile of empty vodka bottles again.

so, Donny finally signed the Dead Pedo Bestie Act of 2025, which directs the Department of What Used To Be Justice to release the Epstein Files.

you’ll never guess what happened next: Pam Bondi immediately started moving the goalposts. it turns out that the DOJ can’t release all of the files even though they really really want to, because — well, just because.

reporter: “the DOJ statement earlier this year saying that the files would not be released mentioned the fact that the review of the documents did not suggest that any additional investigation of third parties was warranted.what changed since then that you launched this investigation?”

Bondi: “information that has come for— information. um. that’s information that— new information, additional information.”

oh my lord, Pam came this close to big-lebowskiing her non-answer. she can’t release the files because new shit has come to light.

oh, great. Pam’s going to be withholding some of the Epstein files because all of a sudden those documents are going to be needed as evidence for some new investigation. how convenient.

for those keeping score at home, first the files were on Pam Bondi’s desk, then they didn’t exist at all, then they were a hoax written by Joe Biden’s autopen, and now, parts of the files can’t be released — because new shit has come to light, man.

let me guess which files can’t be released: the ones with the most-incriminating dirt on Dear Leader. am I right? what do I win?

don’t piss on our heads and tell us it’s raining. release the full, unedited files, you fucking fucks.

Senators Elissa Slotkin and Mark Kelley, along with Reps Chris Deluzio, Maggie Goodlander, Chrissy Houlahan and Jason Crow have produced a 90-second video in which they remind members of the armed forces and the intelligence community that they have a sworn constitutional duty to refuse to follow illegal orders.

let’s just pause to consider how surreal this moment we’re living in is, where elected officials need to remind soldiers that when the president orders them to open fire on civilians in a US city, that shit’s a Bozo no-no.

this nightmare-fuel scenario was unthinkable, prior to Donny — but shitty timelines gonna shitty timeline, that’s just the way it is.

naturally, when Nosferatu McGoebbels caught wind of this video, he threw a tantrum.

“it is insurrection, plainly, directly without question… these lawmakers should honestly resign in disgrace, and never return to public office again, for even daring to think, let alone to say these words and to say them proudly.”

oh joy, Nosferatu got to use his favorite word again — insurrection.

fact check: fuck off. reminding the military of their sworn oath to uphold the Constitution isn’t insurrection — not in any sense of the word.

Stephen Miller throws the word insurrection around as easily as he swallows live bats. everything he doesn’t like is an insurrection.

a crowd peacefully protesting masked ICE thugs? that’s insurrection.

some judge rules against one of Donny’s kingly proclamations? insurrection!

Nosferatu gets up in the middle of the night to pee, and stubs his toe in the dark? worst insurrection ever!

it’s all so patently transparent. Miller is hot to convince Dear Leader that there’s an insurrection going on that must be put down right now, so that Donny will finally invoke the Insurrection Act, and bring on the chaos and violence that Miller is pining for.

we’ve seen this movie before.

but Donny’s not paying attention to Nosferatu right now. he’s off in the Magic Kingdom of Donnyland, listening to the soothing voices of imaginary pollsters.

“my pollsters said, ‘sir, if George Washington and Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead and they aligned and they went for the president, vice president as a combination, you’d be beating them by 25 points.’”

and then these big-strong, teary-eyed pollsters held the spoonful of pudding up to Donny’s mouth and said ‘zoom! zoom! open the hangar door, Mr. President, here comes the airplane.’

now check this out.

“Communist Mayor of New York City, Zohran ‘Kwame’ Mamdani, has asked for a meeting. We have agreed that this meeting will take place at the Oval Office on Friday, November 21st. Further details to follow!”

frankly, I can’t wait.

young, energetic and charismatic Mamdani will be going head to head with the deteriorating demento who can barely stay awake in public — and the cameras will be rolling.

stay tuned. will be wild.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

Weekend Tiedrich

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: first they came for the boomers

uh oh. Fox News found object Jesse Watters has a solution to the housing crisis — and it’s a solution I find personally distressing.

“baby boomers will eventually pass away, and when they do, they will all do it at the same time, and then millions and millions of homes will become available like that.”

wait, we’re going to do what now? everyone born between 1946 and 1964is going to die at the same time?

fuck me, why am I just hearing about this now? apparently I’ve been left off that text chain. when is this great die-off supposed to happen? I’m hoping it’s not for at least four weeks. I’d like to finish watching Down Cemetery Road.

I don’t know why Jesse’s so smugly pleased about this. doesn’t he realize that once all the boomers drop dead, Fox’s ratings will drop to zero? who do you think is watching your tiresome show, Jesse?

careful what you wish for, shitkazoo.

tuesday: first they came for the books

this week, folks attempting to visit the public library in Smyrna, Tennessee were greeted by this distressing sign.

so, what was the emergency that required the whole building to be shuttered on such short notice? did the bathroom pipes burst? did the entire staff come down with food poisoning?

nope.

what happened is that some busybody found a book with a transgender character in it, and Tennessee’s Secretary of State freaked the fuck out and ordered libraries across the state to close immediately, so that librarians could “cull their children’s sections for gender-subversive content.”

I shit you not. here’s the entire sign that greeted the thwarted library-goers.

people, what the fuck are we even doing here?

wednesday: first they came for the Muslims

let’s watch as John Voight completes his transition from once-respected actor to batshit racist fuckhead.

“this city will turn into a forbidden place of darkness. the blood, sweat and tears that New York was built on will turn into a virtual refugee shelter for the radical Muslim ideology. this is now the most dangerous time for our citizens of New York. this mayor will destroy this city. we are obligated to demand our rights for our private sanctuary, our businesses, our property, that we all have worked so hard for. and this 35-year-old mayor as no right dictating the rules of socialism for a city built on our highest principles with brick and stone by hardworking Americans. this must be stopped and his mayoralty should be terminated immediately. and we the people have put our trust in the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. he — and only he — can stop this horror, as the Mayor Mamdani will try to destroy New York’s wealth and turn it into a socialist crap city.”

sorry, John — your all-powerful tribal warlord fell asleep in the middle of your overcooked rant.

tighten that shit up, bro. you can’t expect President Pudding Cup to stay awake for the entire minute and a half you flapped your gums.

look, dumb-asses, Zohran Mamdani is going to be your mayor. dry your eyes and cope — and stop calling on Donny to ‘do something’ to ‘stop this horror.’ Dear Leader can’t do shit. what are you expecting? that he’ll issue an executive order? fart out some nonsensical tweet where he thanks us for our attention to this matter?

let’s get real: Mamdani doesn’t have the power to do any of the shit MAGA is wetting their pants in fear of. he’s bound by the same laws and Constitution the rest of us are (excepting, of course, our Very-Special-Boy-in-Chief).

lighten the fuck up. I’m pretty sure free buses isn’t part of some plan to usher in Sharia Law. this isn’t some slippery-slope kind of thing, where one day there’s a government-run grocery store in Flatbush and the next, you’re forced to gay-marry Rick Santorum’s dog.

now, here’s a pro tip for you hypocritical fuckwads: if you’re all bent out of shape that the guy in charge of New York is a Muslim, but not that the guy in charge of Medicare and Medicaid is a Muslim, you’re racisting wrong.

thursday: first they came for whatever the fuck this is

Florida Rep. An Appalling Lunatic went on Newsmax and — [taps earpiece] hold on, I’m being informed that the Florida rep’s name is actually Anna Paulina Luna. goddammit, I keep making this mistake. sorry about that, Anna. let me start over.

Florida Rep. Anna Paulina Luna went on Newsmax and did what she does best: blithered like an appalling lunatic.

Newsmax: “you’re on the record talking about, quote ‘non-human life-forms that could be interdimensional beings who are visiting us.’ can you just explain more, so people at home might know what that means.”

Lunatic: “yes, so that’s definitely a mouthful, but that is directly based on information that we received from witnesses. also information that we have obtained and witnessed via our investigations. there is some stuff that I can’t disclose what I have immediately seen in some of these SCIFs, but what I will tell you is, this is not some crazy conspiracy theory.”

spoiler alert: yes is it. it’s a crazy conspiracy theory.

I’d like to ask Anna if these interdimensional beings are in the room with us right now, but I’m afraid that she’d respond ‘yes, they are. duh. can’t you see them?’

this is why An Appalling Lunatic got herself elected to office — not to help her constituents, or to make anyone’s life better — but, apparently, to get to the bottom of whatever the fuck this is.

friday: the further adventures of some fucking idiot

on Friday, some fucking idiot had no public appearances. no way did the fucking idiot want to face the press, and be peppered with uncomfortable questions about his dead pedo bestie.

but that doesn’t mean the fucking idiot didn’t have a busy day.

he announced Operation Change the Subject from Epstein.

he also announced Operation Look Over There, SQUIRREL! — because, you see, he doesn’t have a dead pedo bestie problem, it’s the Democrats that have a dead pedo bestie problem.

the fucking idiot blared the soundtrack from ‘Phantom of the Opera’ from inside the Oval Bordello at a volume that could be heard across the street. perfectly normal stuff.

was the fucking idiot trying to drown out the barking noises in his head?

don’t you hate it when you have a noisy neighbor and it’s the president of the United States?

the fucking idiot also kept himself busy on his crappy app. what even is this?

he quite batshittingly broke up with Madge Three Toes, because she wouldn’t stop pestering him about the Dead Pedo Bestie Files.


and we know it’s an official breakup, because he thanked us for our attention to this matter.

the fucking idiot announced that he would love to talk about his dead pedo bestie, but he can’t, because he “has a country to run!”

spoiler alert: here’s the fucking idiot, hard at work running ruining the country.

then it was time for the fucking idiot to fly down to Motel-a-Lago so he could spend the weekend cheating at golf.

while the fucking idiot was on Bordello Force One, he couldn’t avoid answering questions from the press.

“I had an MRI and the result was outstanding.”
reporter: “was it your brain?”
“I have no idea what they analyzed, but whatever they analyzed, they analyzed it well.”

they ‘analyzed it well,’ these big, strong doctors with tears in their eyes. I’ll bet they did.

now, just imagine that Joe Biden had gone for medical tests and, when asked what they were for, answered ‘fuck if I know.’

you know exactly what would have happened next: Jack Tapper would have orgasmed on the spot, and written fifteen books about it in one afternoon.

yet not one reporter stood up and asked ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

ow fucking idiotic is that?

saturday: ?

hey, it’s still morning as I sit here writing this — but give it time, I guarantee you that some dipshit wingnut is going to do something stupid before the day is over. you can set your watch to it.

this is going to be my closing message for the foreseeable future:

practice self-care. do what you need to do to keep sane. if that means you need to disengage with my daily posts for a while, I get it. this community of ours will still be here when you return.

to all the people who have signed on in the days since the election, welcome aboard. settle in as we all try to deal with the shitfuckery that’s ahead of us.

we are all in this together, and we are all here for each other.

Posted on

A Consummation Devoutly To Be Wished

From Greg Fallis:

I’m hesitant to write this. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m happy to write it. I’m hesitant to hope it might be true. I’ve hoped this hope so many times in the past, and each time that hope has been soundly kicked squarely in the yorbels. But I dunno…this time…maybe? So what the hell, I’m going to write it.

We may actually be seeing the beginning of the end of Comrade President Donald J. Trump.

Why do I think that? Epstein.

Let’s face it, MAGA has repeatedly demonstrated that they’ll forgive Trump for anything. The open corruption, the galactic level hypocrisy, the gobsmacking incompetence, the extravagant lies, the destruction of the East Wing of the White House, the inability to maintain a coherent thought for any length of time, the complete and utter lack of loyalty to his subordinate, the destruction of a health care system they rely on, the destruction of civil liberties. MAGA has always found ways to overlook, justify, or even celebrate that shit.

And to be honest, a sizable chunk of MAGA will forgive Trump for boinking teenaged girls. They may claim to be disappointed that he boinked teenaged girls while he was married, but they’ll forgive him for it. Some will even applaud him for it.

But Epstein?

Epstein is different. Epstein exists outside the ‘boys will be boys’ framework. Epstein has become shorthand for ‘child sex trafficking.’ And child sex trafficking has been a mainstay of right-wing conspiracy theories for a long, long time. These people spend a LOT of time thinking about forced sex with young girls. If you recall, the QAnon movement was solidly locked into the notion that powerful (mostly Democratic) politicians and Hollywood elites (exclusively Democratic) had formed a cabal of Satanic/cannibalistic pedophiles who kidnapped, imprisoned, raped, and murdered children for their adrenochrome.

The loopy passion of QAnon was matched by—and eventually merged with—the loopy passion of MAGA. The membrane between QAnon and MAGA became even more porous and the loopiness escalated when Epstein died while in Federal custody. There was a feeding frenzy of conspiracy theories detailing how and by whom Epstein was murdered. Q/MAGA was energized during the 2024 election by Trump’s promise to release all the Epstein files if he was re-elected.

And hey, bingo…he was. In February, Attorney General Pam Bondi told reporters the Epstein client list “is on my desk right now for review.” Q/MAGA got excited. The truth was going to come out. Any day now. Really. Get ready. It was coming. Finally we’d know the truth. Just as soon as Bondi finished reviewing all the files. The Epstein client list would be made public and the elites would be held accountable for their horrific crimes. Q/MAGA could hardly contain itself. The anticipation was intense.

Then, on a busy Friday over the 4th of July holiday weekend, Bondi quietly announced that the Epstein client list…well, it didn’t exist. Sorry. Oh, and Epstein wasn’t murdered; he just killed himself. Case closed. Nothing to see here. What’s on Netflix this week?

Q/MAGA was…stunned. Then angry. Righteously angry. Now they feel betrayed. Not just by Bondi’s bait-and-switch, but by the possibility—wait, the probability—the OMFG certainty that Trump, his ownself, was on the list. Not just ON the list, but very likely FEATURED throughout the Epstein files. All of that loopy passion began to turn against Trump…and that’s a LOT of loopy passion.

I wrote about this back in July. In response to a question, I said this:

I don’t for a moment believe this will take Trump down. But I DO think it will weaken him. And I’m good with that. I don’t think there’s any single issue or scandal that can pull him down, but I think every issue that causes him to bleed a bit should be amplified. Death by a thousand cuts…that works for me.

I’m starting to change my mind on this. I’m starting to believe the sheer depth and scope of all that Epstein-inspired loopy passion could take Trump down. Again, I’m hesitant to hope for it, because there’s been a Friday the 13th quality to Trump; he doesn’t stay dead.

But maybe this time? Maybe dead Epstein will take Trump down? There would certainly be a sort of poetic justice to that. Maybe this could actually put an end to our national heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that Trump has inflicted upon us.

‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

UPDATE: Today Trump announced that he’s asking the Department of Justice to investigate Democrats linked to Epstein. Just Democrats, apparently. The most obvious reason is to draw attention away from himself. A less obvious reason: by getting the DOJ to investigate Democrats, the DOJ can then refuse to release the Epstein files because of an “ongoing investigation.”

EDITORIAL NOTE: Seriously, we need to burn the patriarchy to the ground. Just about everything that’s fucked up in the world has its roots in patriarchy. Or capitalism. Much the same thing, really. Burn patriarchy and capitalism will also go up in smoke. Burn it.