Post Memorial Day Madness
yesterday morning, the president of the United States woke up, picked up his phone, and tapped out a Memorial Day message of peace and love — and that message was WAAAAAH MY DIAPER IS FULL WHY WON'T ANYONE CHANGE MEEEEEEEE?
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Donny's such a funster, isn't he? stay classy, you deteriorating homunculus.
where do you even start with this toxic all-caps sump-pit of grievances? these daily assaults by a tinpot dictator wanna-be make it easy to forget that none of this is normal. normal people don't act like this. they don't wake up and immediately bark out a childish rehashing of every grudge. they don't lie awake a night, plotting revenge.
as always with the shit Donny pulls, it's just so fucking embarrassing. this is our president, and the rest of the world can only look on in horror.
with the Airing of Grievances out of the way, it was time to do some presidenting.
it being Memorial Day, Donny made an appearance at Arlington National Cemetery — and oh look! he brought his Emotional Support Flunkies along with him.
check out Couchfuck McGee and Piss-Drunk Pete Kegstand, doing Donny blue-suit-red-tie cosplay. together with Dear Leader, they were the Three Treasonous Stooges.
Donny laid a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier Who Went To Vietnam In Donny's Place After Donny Got A Quack Doctor To Gin Up A Bullshit Note About Imaginary Bone Spurs.
then it was time for speechifying. if you had Donny Makes A Solemn Occasion All About Himself on your Batshit Bingo card, congratulations, you win!
let's listen in as the dilapidated dotard with the attention span of a coked up squirrel pinballs from reading from prepared remarks to getting distracted by a big number to praising himself for his imaginary accomplishments to concocting a whole new theory of why the 2020 election was stolen.
"…immense and ultimate sacrifices they offer. only the faintest glimpse at the—infinite grace we—have received from all who laid down their lives for America over the last two hundred and fifty years, we're gonna have a big, big celebration, two hundred and fifty years. in some ways, I'm glad I missed the second term where it was, because—I wouldn't be your president—for that most important of all in addition we have the World Cup and we have—the Olympics. can you imagine? I missed that four years, and now, look what I have, I have everything. amazing the way things work out. God did that."
oh great, Lord Fuckwit thinks he's on a mission from God
what our demented president is telling us here is that God himself rigged the 2020 election so that Donny could preside over America's big birthday. delusions of grandeur don't get any more grandly delusional than that.
why do these megalomaniacal shitwits always imagine that their entire life is some divine journey cooked up by their sky-daddy?
does Donny really imagine that God was up there somewhere, watching that Arlington speech on some ethereal flatscreen turned to Fox News, a beer in one hand, punching his fist in the air with the other, and going 'fuck yeah, that's what I'm talking about. hey Jesus, get in here and check out how a real president acts.'
how sad for Jesus, to have a parent brainwashed by Fox. we've all been there, bro.
do you think Donny runs this drek by anyone before he sends it dripping out of his rancid anus-mouth?
"hey Stephen Miller, listen to this. I'm going to tell everyone I was sent by God."
"oh that's great, sir. now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to lunch."
now let's all gaze in wonder as Mister All The Best Words invents a new one
"… as a linguist, translator, and cryptologogic …"
I love how Donny's left hand flails helplessly as a word he's never seen before appears on the teleprompter and he mangles the shit out of it. he has no fucking clue what he's looking at, and his hand gives it away. that's why you're supposed to read this stuff in advance, dumb-ass.
so, did The New York Times sanewash that shit? of fucking course they did.
if you were watching Donny's speech, you may have assumed you were witnessing a grandiose narcissist in the full bloom of cognitive decline rambling incoherently about a bunch of shit that never happened, but no — Donny was just praising some of his personal achievements.
thank God we have The New York Times to set us straight.
it's all part of His plan, right?
here's your hero of the day: 60 Minutes correspondent Scott Pelley.
this past weekend — while our dipshit president was blithering incoherently about yachts and trophy wives to West Point cadets — Pelley gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University. he ripped Donny-Convict-style fascism any number of new ones.
but in this moment — this moment, this morning — our sacred rule of law is under attack. journalism is under attack. universities are under attack. freedom of speech is under attack. and insidious fear is reaching through our schools, our businesses, our homes, and into our private thoughts. the fear to speak — in America."
"power can rewrite history with grotesque false narratives. they can make criminals heros, and heroes criminals. power can change the definition of the words we use to describe reality. diversity is now described as illegal. equity is to be shunned. inclusion is a dirty word. this is an old playbook, my friends. there's nothing new in this."
in a time when so many of our institutions are failing us and kowtowing to God-Emperor Donny, it's refreshing to hear a journalist finally speak truth to power, plain and simple. thank you, sir.
did MAGA lose their shit over Pelley having the temerity to call out Dear Leader? of fucking course they did.
boo fucking hoo, New York Post. put a binky in it.
Vomiting It All Up
Saturday Madness
as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let's look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.
monday: what exactly are we grasping at here
guys, Tennessee Rep. Tim Burchett has a message just for you.
Fox News fuckface: "Jesse Watters says men should not drink out of straws in public — or at all."
Rep. Tim Burchett: "I don't drink out of a straw, brother. that's what the women in my house do."
honchos, take it from Tim: don't be a girlywuss. don't daintily purse your lips around some little tube — because that's what the ladies do. everyone knows that real men consume liquids with gusto. toss your head back and fucking guzzle that shit, bro.
seriously, Timmy? is this you?
Tim, is this Jesse Watters?
look, can we finally close the book on this time-wasting toxic male bullshit? so-called 'real men' don't worry about straws. we have more pressing issues on our hands — like, how does The Simpsons get so much shit right?
tuesday: mmm, conspiracies
no, seriously — why has The Simpsons predicted practically everything, from Super Bowl victories to Donny Convict's presidency?
Pizzagate Princess/QAnon Queen Liz Crokin knows the answer: it's a deep state plot.
"what the Deep State does, is that they will— they, the Deep State, the members of the cabal, whatever we want to call them, because they're satanists — this isn't what I believe, this is what they believe — they believe in truth in plain sight. they believe that they have to announce their plans before they commit them. and, even if it's just through TV shows, or their art, or music, they believe that's what they have to do. so if you look at a show like the Simpsons, people are like 'oh my gosh, how did The Simpsons predict so much stuff,' it's like no, actually that's part of their predictive programming. they are announcing their plans in advance."
Homer? do you have anything you want to say, now that the whistle has been blown on your Deep State fuckery?
busted!
wednesday: mmm, stupidity
now, let's listen to the sound of the wind as it whistles through Maria Baritromo's empty head
"should we really have wind and solar subsidies in this bill? what if it's not windy? what if it's not sunny?"
folks, let's review: what does the stupid do?
you really have to admire MAGA's commitment to ignorance. just because Dear Leader doesn't understand how batteries work, the entire wingnut outrage-industrial complex has to go on live TV and beclown themselves by. parroting the stupidest shit imaginable.
how is it not a cult?
all of us should have seen this coming a mile away. you know all those bros who ponied up anywhere from hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in order to get to hang with Dear Leader at his Big Crypto Corruption Dinner?
they got played. they were promised they would get to hobnob with The Great Dealmaker himself — and they came home with bupkis. none of that shit happened.
here's how Donny 'thanked' them for their six- to seven-figure 'investment' into his fake money. look at this plateful of what in the actual fuck. this is the meal the crypto bros got served at Donny's Virginia golf motel.
"It was the worst food I've ever had at a Trump golf course," Nicholas Pinto, a business influencer who poured around $300,000 into Trump's coin, told Wired of the entree, a surf-and-turf dish that included halibut and filet mignon. Speaking to Fortune, he criticized the latter as a "Walmart steak." Pictures of the plates suggested that the dinner was barely up to airline standards.
so sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy your three-hundred-thousand dollar meatwad, bro. maybe write Dear Leader a strongly-worded letter.
here are two dudes who liked the food, but were totally bummed out when Dear Leader showed up, mumbled a few words into a microphone, and then got the fuck out of there.
NEW: Two attendees of Trump's crypto VIP reception and dinner last night shared that while the food was good, they were disappointed by the lack of meaningful interaction with the president. They had hoped for more access and perhaps even a Q&A session for the top wallet holders, but instead, the speech was essentially a reiteration of the U.S.'s goal to become the global leader in crypto. "He just gave a few remarks and left," one said.
so, Donny flimflammed a bunch of crypto assholes out of millions of dollars and gave them nothing in return. that might actually be a public service. I'm conflicted.
get ready, everyone. Marjorie Three Toes Greene is about to do something stupid.
Marge has gotten herself all worked up into a big hissy — because she was all I'm really awesome, and a computer was all actually, you fucking suck.
on Friday, Congresswoman Sporkfoot took to not-twitter to brag for the umpteenth time about how she was Christianing the shit out of being a Christian.
"I'm a Christian, an imperfect sinner saved by grace and faith in Jesus. I'm a nationalist, a proud American, who loves my country and wants to make our home nation is the best place for all American citizens and future generations to come. I'm a mother, thankful for the blessings and responsibility God gave me with my children."
yeah, we get it, dimwit. you're amazing.
in case you've quit Elon's Nazi bar (and good for you if you have!), let's catch you up. not-twitter has its own AI now, because of course it does. every fucking thing has its own AI now. and some smart-ass asked not-twitter's AI, Grok, to comment on Sporky's post.
"Critics, including religious leaders, argue her actions contradict Christian values of love and unity, citing her defense of January 6 and divisive rhetoric."
because there's nothing halfwits like doing better than beefing with inanimate objects, Sporky fired back.
"the judgement seat belongs to GOD, not you a non-human AI platform. Grok is left leaning and continues to spread fake news and propaganda."
Marge, Grok can't hear you. it's not real. it's a bunch of silicon chips.
I have a confession to make. it was us — the Jews. we reprogrammed Grok to call Marge a heretic. we did it with our space lasers, when no one was looking.
stop fucking with us, Marge, and we'll stop fucking with you.
Fuck This Bullshit!
For the past year or so we've had a guy come out once a month to trim the hedges, weed the flower beds, and mow the front and side yards . He usually brings a team of two additional guys and between the three of them they bang it all out in about a half hour. (It would take me that long just to mow the front yard.) He charges a very reasonable $60 for the service, and I tip them 20%.
We usually discontinue service for the winter, since the lawn goes dormant, but once things started warming up in March and everything was growing again, I started the service back up. For the first mow of the season, he had his usual crew with him. The second time I noticed it was just him and I asked what happened to his workers. He said, "They just don't show up." This week it was the same. I asked him again what happened. He just shrugged. "It's ICE, isn't it? It's all so stupid!" He nodded and said, "Yes."
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Tuesday Madness
Once more from Mr. Tiedrich:
it's time to leave Joe Biden the fuck alone
Republicans are being shitweasels again
in the wake of Joe Biden's heartbreaking announcement that he's been diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer, Republicans are reacting as they always do — by being horrible. each and every one of them is cordially invited to fuck all the way off.
let's start with this vile shitgoblin
I think it's very sad, actually. I'm surprised that it— wasn't— y'know, the public wasn't notified a long time ago. 'cause to get to stage nine, that's a long time. I just had my physical. you saw that. you saw the results of that particular test. I think that test is standard to uh, pretty much anybody. getting a physical. good physical. we had the doctors at the White House and over at Walter Reed which is a fantastic hospital do it, I did a very complete physical, including cognitive tests, I'm proud do announce I aced it."
I have a question: how long has Sundowning Grandpa Fuckface had stage nine dementia? because there's no such thing as 'stage nine' cancer.
the stages only go up to four. Donny would know that if he ever bothered to listen to anyone for more than two seconds before losing interest and making it all about himself.
listen to this preening fuckwad drone on for the thousandth time about 'acing' his cognitive test. we get it, Donny. you were able to point to a drawing of a camel. good for you. help yourself to a lollypop on your way out of the doctor's office.
who the fuck is Donny to accuse any other person of lying about their health?
we have never seen one legitimate, detailed medical report on Donny. what we get are bullet-point summaries written by day-drinking quacks who fart out ludicrous claims like Donny will live to be 200 years old.
the press never questions any of this laughable shit.
we're told that Donny's ear got blown to pieces by a would-be assassin's bullet and then magically grew back within days — with no scarring — and reporters just nod their heads and write it all down.
we're told that Donny is 6 feet and 3 inches tall and weighs 224 pounds.
yeah, right.
would any of the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media like to maybe write a book on how Donny's brain went fuckity-bye a long, long time ago? now, that would be a page-turner. you could probably do a whole chapter on how Donny got outwitted by a fucking box.
it's a box. it has a lid that flips up — and Preznit Shitforbrains is completely flummoxed by it. Donny has to hand the thing it off to some flunky who does the job in two literal seconds.
for those of you keeping score at home, it's —
Donny: 0
fucking box: 1
imagine for one hot second that it was Joe Biden up there, befuddled by cardboard. Fox News would be playing it on an endless loop.
Couchfuck McGee can fuck all the way off.
"whether the right time to have this conversation is now or some time in the future, we really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job."
this sectional sexpest is gaslighting us at warp factor nine. say what you want about Joe Biden's health — he fucking crushed it as president. he was more than capable — he practically worked miracles.
Joe inherited an economy that had been ravaged due to Donny's mismanagement of the covid pandemic — and by the end of his term, we had prosperity and record low unemployment. America's economic recovery from covid was stronger — and happened faster — than any other country on the planet.
now look at what's happened since Biden left office. in just four months, Donny and Couchfuck have taken that robust economy and turned America into a third-world hellhole that can't pay its bills, can't feed its people, and can no longer predict when a fucking tornado might hit.
A forecasting office in Jackson, Ky., which was directly in the line of Friday night's tornadoes, is one of four no longer with enough staff to operate at all times.
JD and Donny are trying to hoodwink the public into believing the exact opposite of reality — that they're the one's who rescued America from Biden's incompetence. up is down. black is white.
it's flagrant horse shit. do you think any of our worthless scribs might want to write a book about that?
Oklahoma Rep Markwayne Mullin can fuck all the way off.
"it's interesting the timing of them releasing the cancer, right? It seems like since the Hur tapes were released, they're like, 'hey wait, it might be a good time to distract the American people and talk about his cancer.'"
we're being gaslighted again.
Markwayne Mullin wants us to believe that Joe Biden was sitting on his cancer diagnosis — and not doing anything about it — so he could use it as a political distraction if the need ever arose. that makes no fucking sense.
Robert Hur, in case you don't recall, is the Republican stooge who was apppointed by that ineffectual cum-sock Merrick Garland to investigate the classified docs Biden found in his garage. Hur cleared Biden of any culpability in that incident — but on his way out the door, he turned in a hit-piece of a report that painted Biden as "an elderly man with a poor memory" who couldn't remember when his son Beau died.
Hur made the whole thing up. yesterday morning, just before the hearing started, the Washington Post published the transcript of Hur's five-hour-long interview with Biden — and oh, look: here's Biden's actual answer to the question:
"What month did Beau die? Oh God, May 30."
here's a thing Robert Hur actually said to Joe Biden during his interview: "you appear to have a photographic understanding and recall."
no, Biden isn't using his cancer diagnosis as a distraction from the Hur tapes. Donny is using the Hur tapes as a distraction from him fucking America's economy straight into the ground.
now, here's some shitbucket who thinks Jill Biden should go to jail. he can fuck all the way off.
Leo Terrell isn't just some neo-Nazi adjacent rando on the internet. he's Senior Counsel to the Assistant Attorney General for the Civil Rights Division of the Department of What Used To Be Known As Justice.
oh great, another Sewer Clown flunky who casually suggests that his political opponents should be thrown in jail. what could go wrong?
know who has been the one decent Republican through all of this? Meghan McCain.
fuck every other Republican for making me agree with Meghan McCain.
Joe Biden is going through some serious shit right now. let's leave him alone and focus on what's right in front of us: a bunch of democracy-hating authoritarians led by an insane megalomaniac are destroying our government right before our very eyes, so they can replace it with the Forever Rule of Mad King Donny.
'should Joe Biden have withdrawn from the race sooner' and 'should Joe Biden have managed his health better' are topics worth exploring some day — but today is not that day. we don't have the luxury of having those conversations right now — not when there's so much fuckery afoot.
the conversation we need to be having right now is how do we fight fascism?
let's fucking go.
and let's give the final word to the Onion, because this headline perfectly encapsulates all the insanity going on right now.
Vomiting It All Up, Monday Edition
SO MUCH WINNING
Just kidding. Trump is flushing the economy to give Billionaires more tax breaks.
Well done MAGA. He's fucking you in the ass and you're saying, "Please Sir, may I have some more?"
Holy Shit, do you all have learning disabilities? He's a fucking stupid idiot, a massive failure, a fraud, and a goddamned felon. He does not give a single fuck about you. He never has never will.
Will Humanity Never Learn?
Thursday Madness
From Jeff Tiedrich:
Donny Convict isn't a corrupt piece of shit, and other Republican fairy tales
and The New York Times gives Dear Leader another free pass
n today's episode of Bad Take Theater, we're going to hear two from worthless Republicans and one dipshit New York Times reporter as they concoct fever-swamp fantasies about why Donny Convict's blatant, in-your-face corruption isn't actually corruption.
Missouri Senator Josh Hawley is the holder of the land speed record for Getting The Fuck Out of Here While Insurrectionists Are Insurrecting.
he's also one of Donny's chief apologists on Capitol Hill. his farcical explanation for why Dear Leader isn't corrupt boils down to 'what's Donny need money for? he's already got shitloads.'
Manu Raju: "what about this meme coin? when the price goes up, it helps his family."
Josh Hawley: "well, listen. I think nobody believes that Donald Trump can be bought. I mean, what does Donald Trump need more money for."
methinks Josh Hawley is trying to blow smoke up everyone's ass.
let me put this in words simple enough to penetrate even the cultists' thick skulls: Donny needs more money so he can win at having the most fucking money. it's called greed. having ALL the money is the point.
for Donny Convict, no amount of anything is ever enough. that's what being a profoundly damaged, bottomless swamp of need is all about.
there will never be sufficient money, power, or attention to fill the gaping hole where Donny's soul is supposed to be. he's fucking broken beyond repair — and now, the entire world must be made to suffer because of it.
let's explore Josh's ludicrous claim that 'nobody believes Donny can be bought.'
here, watch this: everybody who knows Donny Convict can be bought, please raise your hand.
oh look, there's the Emir of Qatar. he's got his their hand up. he know Donny can be bought. it's the whole reason he just handed him a vulgar flying bordello — and now Donny's going down his list of demands, and checking them off one by one.
over there is the Saudi royal family. hands up, all of them. they've been lining Donny's pockets for decades. they've been at the game so long that they already know Donny's price: a bag of greaseburgers.
look who else has his hand up: Ahmed al-Sharaa, the president of Syria. all he had to do get Donny to drop sanctions was dangle the mere possibility of a Trump Tower in Damascus.
and that's just in the last three days. so what the fuck are you gibbering about, Josh?
let's move on to the guy who has been voted Most Useless Republican for three years running.
Holy Mike Johnson's bad take is that corruption isn't corruption if it's done right out in the open.
reporter: "Mr. Speaker, you were very critical of President Biden and his family's foreign business dealings and supported impeachment hearings. are you equally concerned about President Trump's family's business dealings as well, especially due to the fact that he's in a region now where his family has billions of dollars of investments in Doha, and Saudi Arabia, and the fact that he has a crypto business now, where he's auctioned off access to the White House for the highest bidder?"
Holy Mike [after first lying about Biden and his family]: "whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. they're not trying to conceal anything."
fuck Holy Mike for expecting us to swallow his shit-sandwich.
here's where Mike's ridiculous assertion falls apart: for Donny, being openly corrupt is part of the game — because fuck you, that's why. getting right in your face and daring you to do something about it is what makes corruption fun.
Donny knows that he doesn't have to hide anything he does — because who's going to hold him accountable? Congress? fuhgetaboutit. the Department of Justice? oh please. Krazee Eyes Ka$h Patel and Pam Bondi were installed to facilitate Donny's crimes, not prosecute them. the Supreme Court? don't make me laugh. they're the shitwads who put the whole concept of I'm A Very Special Boy into Donny's head in the first place.
who knows, maybe Chuck Schumer's writing a strongly-worded letter. yeah, that'll do it.
here's something we have absolutely no fucking use for at all: a New York Times reporter explaining that corruption isn't corruption according to a definition of corruption that he just pulled out of his ass.
"Corruption requires explicit quid pro quo. It is not corrupt to take an action that aligns with the interest of a person who gives you a gift, unless the official action was in direct response to that gift–a bribe. Terms matter. Accuracy and fairness matters. Regardless of what social media wants."
got that? it's not corruption unless Ahmed al-Sharaa writes a note that says 'if I let you build a tower will you be my friend' and passes it to the world leader at the next desk.
here's why that definition fails:
Donny is a mob boss, and you're never going to catch him in the act, because he doesn't leave a paper trail.
that's how it works. all the dirty work is done with a nod and a wink. here's how Donny's former fixer, Michael Cohen, explained it during House testimony in 2019:
"He doesn't give you questions, he doesn't give you orders," Cohen said. "He speaks in a code, and I understand the code because I've been around him for a decade."
Donny's a two-bit gangster who learned his trade from two experts: his tyrant klansman father, and crooked lawyer Roy Cohn. here's what they taught him:
don't you ever fucking write anything down. that's how you get caught.
and so Donny doesn't write anything down. he doesn't use email, he doesn't text. he doesn't leave a trail for smug NY Times reporters to uncover. all he does is brag about imaginary wins on his janky app.
that's why we're in this shithole mess: we have far too many worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media willing to give a filthy, corrupt mobster a benefit of the doubt that he has never earned.
here's your hero of the day: Rep. Bennie Thompson. here's how he opened his questioning of ICE Barbie yesterday.
"Secretary Noem, I'm glad you found time among your many photo ops and costume changes to testify about why President Trump is seeking more taxpayer dollars and what you plan to do with that money, if you get it."
fuck yeah.
Donny's Sewer Clowns are unserious, unqualified people who have been given way too much power over our lives, and we must never stop mocking them, any way we can.
Wednesday Madness
From Jeff Tiedrich:
Bone Saw Arabia buys big boy preznit his own happy meal
scenes from Donny's Middle East Griftapalooza
it's just so fucking embarrassing to watch Mad King Donny represent America on the world stage. he's monumentally stupid. he's crass and uncouth, and his rancid anus-mouth has no filter — at any moment, he's liable to blurt out random, inappropriate gibberish.
but above all, he's utterly unaware of just how easily manipulated he is. flatter him, hand him a few shiny baubles, and this bottomless pit of neediness becomes putty in your hands — and all We the People can do is cringe as we watch this buffoon being led around by his nose.
Donny was in Saudi Arabia yesterday — and look what the Saudis did for our Big Boy President.
that's right, Bone Saw Arabia built a custom-made rolling McDonalds for Donny — because god forbid this overgrown toddler endure an entire day without jamming a greasy wad of fat down his engorged gullet.
As the Saudis work to impress Trump during his trip to Riyadh this week, they're focusing on even the smallest details—like his fondness for the Golden Arches—by setting up a custom-built mobile McDonald's truck designed to support the presidential visit and the throng of journalists in tow.
how mortifying is it that our president can be bought off for a few burgers?
last time Donny visited Bone Saw Arabia, in 2017, they got him involved in some weird-ass sword dance.
and they let him put his freakishly-undersized fists on a glowing orb.
but this time? here's your happy meal, fuckface. now give us what we want.
oh look, President Pudding Cup continues to prove he isn't up to the rigors of his job.
check out this sleepy baby. he's so plumb tuckered from his journey that he can barely keep his beady little eyes open.
wake up, Donny — Crown Prince Mohammad Bone Saw is talking.
let's gif that shit for posterity's sake.
this dilapidated fuckwit has now slept through cabinet meetings, campaign appearances, Pope Francis' funeral, his own inauguration — and his own criminal trial.
can someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a sippy-cup of warm milk, and tuck him into bed?
The 42-year-old Syrian leader has reportedly offered Mr Trump investment opportunities, including a Trump tower in Damascus.
now here's a thing that happened on Tuesday. tell me if you think they might be related.
BREAKING: Trump announced lifting of sanctions on Syria
what's America getting out of this arrangement? nothing, that's what. Donny's touring the Middle East so he can make personal deals to enrich himself, and the American public can go pound sand up their ass.
Donny's in Qatar today, and we all know how they bought him off — with that vulgar airborne bordello.
listen to Donny explain why he needs this plane. it's pure penis envy.Air Force One is just so tiny and flaccid compared to all the other big, manly planes.
"the plane that you're in right now is almost forty years old. and when you land and you see Saudi Arabia and you see UAE and you see Qatar and you see— and they have these brand-new Boeing 747s, mostly. and you see ours next to it. this is like a totally different plane. it's much smaller, much less impressive, as impressive as it is. and, you know, we're the United States of America. I believe that we should have the most impressive plane … now some people say oh, you shouldn't accepts gifts. my attitude is why shouldn't I accept a gift?"
you shouldn't accept a gift because it's fucking wrong, you ignorant asshole. it's specifically forbidden by the Constitution that you imagine somehow doesn't apply to you.
but look at what's eating away at Donny: all these Middle Eastern counties ruled over by despotic kings and princes have bigger planes than we do. oh, boo fucking hoo. cry me a river.
this delusional dipshit just doesn't get it. he's not royalty — no matter how hard he pretends. he's a low-rent slumlord from Queens, New York who failed upwards forever until he finally stumbled ass-backwards into the Oval Office.
somehow he imagines that this entitles him to the world's biggest airplane.
I guarantee that no other democratically-elected leader thinks twice about what they fly around in. it's just not important. Emmanuel Macron doesn't give a shit if his plane isn't the biggest. neither does Mark Carney. neither does the Pope Fucking Leo, for that matter.
but Donny's so broken-inside that he throws a shit-fit if he doesn't get the most ice cream. I wish I were making this up.
It has emerged that the President has two scoops of ice cream with his chocolate cream pie while everyone else at the table has just one.
keep in mind that — once again — the American people are getting nothing out of this. Donny gets to keep the plane, and take it home with him after he leaves office — and that's after hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars are spent making it secure enough to be used as Air Force One.
Converting a luxury jet gifted by Qatar to President Donald Trump into a replacement for Air Force One could potentially cost hundreds of millions of dollars, and it could take up two years to install the necessary security equipment, communications and defensive capabilities for it to be safely used by the commander in chief.
so the American people actually are getting less than nothing out of this "deal." thanks a fucking lot, Donny.
hey, look who found his voice. look who's speaking out against Dear Leader accepting four-hundred-million-dollars bribes. it's the Esteemed Senator Fidel Cancun — the timid lickspittle whose gonads have been marinating in jar on a Motel-a-Lago shelf since 2016.
even Ted knows that accepting trojan-horse gifts from human-rights-abusing fiefdoms is just plain wrong.
"I'm not a fan of Qatar. I think they have a really disturbing pattern of funding theocratic lunatics who want to murder us, funding Hamas and Hezbollah, and that's a real problem. I also think the plane poses significant espionage and surveillance problems."
he's not wrong.
fuck you, Donny, for making me agree with Ted Fucking Cruz.
Vomiting It All Up, Midweek Edition
Vomiting It All Up, Monday Edition
Von Schitzhispants Isn't Running The Country
Fuck DOGE
Vomiting It All Up, Tuesday Edition
Sounds Like A Cry For Help To Me
Narcissistic Psychosis
Vomiting It All Up…And It's Only Monday 😫
Trump: 'I run the country and the world'
President Trump shared his thoughts on how his two terms as president have differed, saying in a new interview with The Atlantic that this time around he's leading "the country and the world."
"The first time, I had two things to do — run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys," Trump said in the interview published Monday. "And the second time, I run the country and the world."
Vomiting It All Up
Vomiting It All Up
And That Is The Definition Of A Sociopath
Sociopathic Narcissism On Full Display
Vomiting It All Up
It's About Fucking Time!
This Is Barbaric
Some Stupid To Start Your Day
From Mock Paper Scissors:

With a screech only bats and certain dogs can hear, Field Commander PeeWee Himmler declares that Hair Füror will make America the manufacturing capitol of the world…
an angry, twitching Stephen Miller yells on Fox News that Trump will "make American the manufacturing capital of the world"
Watch his eyes. You don't have to be a Truthsayer of the Bene Gesserit Sisterhood to know that liars usually blink rapidly and in excess.