You know you're old when you don't recognize the host or the musical guest on Saturday Night Live.
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night.
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"
The other one says, "When my wife goes like that I just don't listen."
"How do you manage that?"
"It's easy! I turn off the light!"
Oh great, Daylight Saving Time is over.
Now we can all enjoy the sunset while we're eating lunch.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems.
Pick one person you don't like and blame them for everything.
So just to be clear, Dems rigged the election against tRUMP in 2020 but then just forgot to do it this time around?
I'm not sure who needs to hear this, but you don't need anything from Amazon today. HA!
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Gopher, Netscape with frames, the first browser wars, searching with AltaVista, pop-up windows self-replicating, trying to uninstall RealPlayer. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
We aren't ending friendships over politics, we're ending friendships over morals.
There is a huge difference.
The only thing you can do about awful people is not be one of them.
Study: Anxiety Natural Response To Suited Men Wearing Shades Closing In From All Angles.
You donate a kidney and you're a hero.
You donate five kidneys and suddenly the police are involved.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Lamp rubber: 1 – Do the opposite of my next wish.
2 – Don't fulfill my third wish.
3 – Ignore my first wish.
Genie: Error error error error error error error error…
Was in the pub last night and telling my mates the joke about, "What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath… throw your washing in" … The bloke on the next table said, "My brother who's epileptic had a fit in the bath and died"… Well, if the ground could swallow me up, I apologized and asked him if he drowned. He said, "No, he choked on a sock".
So, the country's going to be run by a bankrupt "businessman," a Fox News anchor, a Bond villain, and an OnlyFans creator? It's like Idiocracy has come to life.
It's literally the cabinet from Idiocracy, but it's real.
How long before Hannibal Lecter is nominated for Surgeon General?
"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing," I said to my wife.
She said, "Wear your own then."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. She asked, "Is it true that the medicine you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
She replies, "It has me concerned that the bottle says 'no refills'."
A Mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad.
The bartender asks what's wrong.
Mobius strip: Where do I even start?
After watching his picks, I'm starting to understand how he bankrupted those casinos.
A funeral was held today for the inventor of the air conditioner. Thousands of fans attended.
I walked past a man who kept saying, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9… 1, 3, 5, 7, 9".
I thought, how odd.
I know it's a long shot, but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
The patron saint of copying people on email is St. Francis of a CC.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to go and get me a running start, but I made it!
My email password has been hacked again.
That's the 3rd time I've had to rename the cat.
I went for a job interview on a building site mixing sand, cement, and aggregates.
I think I got the job, but nothing's concrete yet.
If we remove all the margarine on Earth, the world would be a butter place.
My favorite allergy song is Blowin' in the Wind by Peter, Pollin, and Mary.
Just saw a girl with six lip piercings at Target.
It took all my power not to attach a shower curtain.
If your bladder is full, urine trouble.
A 3 foot, 3 inch tall man knocked at my door this morning.
I said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I'm the meter man".
My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar.
It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
When tall people go to bed they sleep longer.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
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