Category: Humor

… that when someone asks, "Who got you smiling," I always say, "The voices in my head just cracked a joke. Leave us alone."

… that after this past year I wanna give myself a big hug because I'm still standing.

… that Family Dollar always seems to have just one cashier. Where's the rest of the family?

… that winter doesn't bother me; I also become cold and dark after 4PM.

… that one of the weirdest things about being an adult is having a favorite stove top burner; no one ever talks about it but y'all know it's true and y'all have one.

… that it's always, "How was work?" and never, "Quit and I'll support you."

… that I still miss that part of 2020 when it was illegal for anyone to come near me.

…that when I yell at birds in the street to move so they don't get run over is kind of how I see the universe watching me live my life.

… that I know I would not waste away in Margaritaville; in fact, I would thrive!

[source]

It's hard to tell if America is turning into The Handmaid's Tale or Idiocracy.

For the next four years, we will see what a lack of competence and integrity looks like on steroids.

I'm waiting for someone to tell me, "Yeah I picked fruits and vegetables until those illegals came along".

They say 'nothing is impossible'.
I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now!
It's totally possible.

If a woman says she's happy with 3 inches then it's most likely your credit card.

I came home last night to find my wife in skimpy lanugre, wearing riding boots, and holding a whip.
I thought, "Oh, great. Where the hell are we going to keep a horse?"
(Actually, I would have thought YEEEE HAAAA!)

Christmas time is great because you can shout "Don't come in here!" and people assume you're wrapping presents instead of just wanting to be left alone.

Republicans gloating about how Justin Trudeau had to go to Mar-a-Lago to bend the knee, when in fact, they had to meet in Florida because Canada won't allow felons in their country.

A man walks into a bar and he's got a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "Oh wow. What an interesting pet. What's his name?"
The guy says, "Tiny".
The bartender says, "Huh. Why did you name him 'Tiny'"?
The guy says, "Well, he's my newt".

Mom: My child won't eat meat. What can I replace it with?
Answer: A dog. Dogs love meat!

Why did the little cookie cry?
Because his mom was a wafer for so long.

Dear Mother Nature,
Having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel the remainder of my subscription.

Teacher: Use dandelion in a sentence.
Student: De cheetah is faster dandelion.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of tRUMP, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. After weeks of testing, they found there was nothing wrong with the stamp or the adhesive. It turned out people were spitting on the wrong side.

Me: Our son asked where babies come from.
Wife: He's too young. Tell him the stork.
Me (later): Your mom fucked a stork.

Be happy. It drives people crazy!

Dad: Why are your eyes all red?
Son: I smoke weed, Dad!
Dad: Stop lying. You're crying because I beat you at Mario Kart.

Earl to friend: I installed a new toilet seat that lights up if the seat is left up. Opal hated it. I had to take it out.
Song playing… Moon riverrrr wider than a mile…
Earl: I replaced it with one that plays a tune.
Opal: EARRRRLLLLL!

(In bed)
Wife: Are you sleeping?
Husband: No, I just close my eyes and travel far away.
Wife: But you're snoring.
Husband: I travel by tractor.

Boss: Why do you…
Me: shhhh
Boss: What's your biggest wea…
Me: shhhh
Boss (whispering): You're hired. Welcome to the library staff.

When you think there's no hope left, remember the lobsters in the tank of the Titanic's restaurant.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike.
So I took his bike away.
Then he just sat there in the yard and barked all day.
So I gave him his bike back because his bark was worse than his bike.

[Source]