Category: Humor

I tried making skimmed milk, but it was too hard to throw the cow across the lake. (Bilbo)

A person learning English as a second language just asked me the difference between “burned” and “burnt”, and I just stared blankly back with a 404 error screen running through my brain.

You might be in a CULT if you buy a red hat made in China to support a felon who married an immigrant and has convinced you that all your problems are caused by immigrants and felons. Or maybe you’re just stupid.

(phone ringing)
Boss: Why the hell aren’t you picking that up?!
Me: I always answer on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!
Me: Fine… 911 what’s your emergency?

BREAKING:
The cold weather is set to last until it gets warmer.

I celebrate every touchdown my team makes by drinking nearly a liter of beer. That’s a two pint conversion.

Please be reassured ladies that there is no such thing as pre-natal fever. I’m confident the fetus is at womb temperature.

What were electric eels called before electricity was discovered?

Me to dog: I’m out of treats.
Dog: I’ll hold your beer ’till you get back.

Minute and minute shouldn’t be spelled the same. I’m not content with this content. I object to that object. I need to read what I read again. Excuse me but there’s no excuse for this. Someone should wind this comment up and throw it in the wind.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in four years.
I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

I saw someone with a tattoo that read, Comparison is the Thief of Joy.
I’m going to get the same tattoo…but mine will be bigger!

(I was to lazy to retype this.)
SLEEPY JOE LET OUR BEAUTIFUL SOUTHERN BOULEVARD TURN INTO A WAR ZONE. JAY WALKERS WERE POURING IN BY THE THOUSANDS. OUR STREETS WERE BEING OVERRUN BY ILLEGAL U-TURNS AND UNDOCUMENTED MERGING. BLATANTLY ILLEGAL LANE CHANGES EVERYWHERE YOU LOOKED. TOTAL DISASTER!
UNDER YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT (THAT’S ME!!), LAW & ORDER IS BACK! THE BOULEVARD IS NOW SAFE AGAIN BECAUSE ANYONE CAUGHT JAY WALKING WILL BE MACED AND SHOT WITH RUBBER BULLETS. THEY TRIED FOR YEARS. NOTHING WORKED. EVERYBODY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE. WRONG! I WALKED IN AND ON DAY ONE I FIXED IT JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. TY FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS COVFEFE. – DJT

How big is Greenland? It’s so big that it covers up 99% of the Epstein files.

Trump supporters are threatening to leave the US if Trump is sent to prison. (Now THAT’S funny.)

(Still funny)
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. ‘What’s the big idea?’ asks the wife. ‘They’re a steal, only $10 for 24 cans’, he replies. ‘Put them back, it’s a total waste’, demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband. ‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look absolutely stunning’, replies the wife. Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it’s half the price.’ HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7!

(IT ticket)
My keyboard is not working. When I try to put in a backspace it will not insert. It keeps deleting to the left. I am restarted.

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a roofer to take a look at it.
“When did you first notice the leak?” he asked.
I told him, “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”

At the marriage counselor…
After talking to the wife, Maria, she talks the husband, Tony.
“Well, Maria had a few things she wanted me to discuss with you. First, she says you are a workaholic. Second, she says you pick your nose quite a bit in public. Third, and this is a little delicate, she says you never let her get on top when you are having sex.”
Tony replies, “When I comma to dis country, my father tell me three things. He tell me to make it big in America, First: worka hard. So I worka hard. Second, he says: keepa your nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean. And third, he says, don’t fuck up.”

My brother thinks he’s a turtle. I’m taking him to the best terrapist in town.

The rule of tyrants depends on murder. In each reign some life must fall.

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn’t think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walked in.
The third person’s name that walked in was Jill. The owner said, “Jill, you also have nice legs.” So the guy named the restaurant ‘Jill’s Legs’.
A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied, “I’m waiting for Jill’s Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat.”

Whoever said 10°F is better than 100°F better be sitting outside enjoying it today.

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that’s gonna make a big difference. (Bilbo)

Smart people underestimate themselves and ignorant people think they’re brilliant.

When in grizzly territory, always hike in groups and carry sedative dart guns.
Remember, there’s safety in numb bears.

[source]

As the old saying goes, (from the St. Louis street Department), if you want to snow plow a street, you’ve got to total a few Chevies.

Sam was a high steel worker. Loved his job building skyscrapers. Worked without an accident until he was forced to retire at 75. After retiring he devoted himself to his hobby of ice climbing. Sam passed away peacefully in his sleep at 99. Instead of Saint Peter and a choir of beautiful Seraphim’s, he was met at the pearly gates by a bedraggled, exhausted angel with one wing dragging the ground, torn robes, halo bent, drooping over one eye. She hugged him and said, “Welcome to Heaven, Sam. I am Daniella, your Guardian Angel…..”

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place last night (I won’t name them), placed it on the kitchen work top and as I was getting plates, I heard the bags rustling and moving!! I thought what the hell is that?! Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was so scared as the bag was moving around, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the floor, frying pan in one hand and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down and there it was ….
A Peeking Duck!

I am no longer allowed to go caroling at the psych hospital.
I guess “Do you hear what I hear” was a bad song choice.

Doctor in packed waiting room: Due to new privacy regulations, we can no longer use patient names in the waiting room. Will the patient with the itchy vagina please follow me.

I was called into my managers office because of my dress code.
He said, “You can’t wear pajamas for work.”
I said, “Everyone else does.”
He said: “That’s because they’re PATIENTS!”

It’s maddening when the ATM charges you $3 to get your own money, then tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed.

Next week is diarrhea awareness week.
Runs until Friday.

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?”

My brain has 47 tabs open, 3 are frozen, 1 is playing music, and I have no idea where it’s coming from.

My goal weight is the weight where I can trim my toenails and breath at the same time.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company relocated and didn’t tell me where.

I’ve reached the age where I drive around and say, “Dang, I remember when this was all woods!”

The difference between me and Superman is…
He has super vision.
I require supervision.

Heat makes things expand. So I don’t have a weight problem. I’m just hot.

All I want for Christmas is the housing market to crash so I can buy a 5 bedroom house for $100.

My circle is so small that when my phone rings I know it’s scammers.

In the 1950s carjacking had a totally different meaning.

Me: Robot, prove to me that trans women are real women.
Robot: Conservative men harass them on the internet, threaten them in public, consider them inferior, and take away their rights.

TV time…
Him: Wanna watch porn or golf.
Her: Porn, you already know how to play golf.

Just had my phone incorrectly autocorrect ‘ducking’ to ‘fucking’, which means I’ve won!
How does failure feel, demon box.

I swallowed a bunch of synonyms yesterday.
Gave me the thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

Where are all the flat earthers?
They’re at home trying to figure out why it’s night time.

I started a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my day job.
I just do it to make hens meet.

I lost three fingers on my right hand.
I asked my doctor if I was ever going to be able to write with it again.
He said maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.

So yesterday my wife asked me if I could clear the dinner table.
Even with a running start, I didn’t come close.

If you believe a president who pardons drug dealers is fighting a war on drugs by sinking small boats, I don’t know how to help you. (Bilbo)

I just learned a new expression: “Schrödinger’s Douchebag” – someone who says offensive things and decides whether or not they were joking based on the reactions of people around them. (Bilbo)

I need to get in shape. If I were one of those victims in a crime show, my chalk outline would be a circle. (Bilbo)

My granddaughter once asked me, “Do trees poop?” I said, “Of course they do … that’s where #2 pencils come from.” (Bilbo)

We took our son to the countryside, he was about 4, he blurted out, look mom, dad, it’s chocolate cows, that is where chocolate milk comes from. (Bilbo’s friend Joy)

I’ve been looking for my sanity, but I think it ran off with my motivation, the matching socks, and half of the Tupperware lids. (Bilbo)

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A seatbelt.

“You only lasted 2 minutes.” Husband replies, “It was doggy style, so that’s like 14 minutes.”

[source]

… that as I get older I no longer dislike Mondays … I dislike the whole week.

… that I used to fall asleep and lay in one position the entire night. Now I rotate like a rotisserie chicken every fifteen minutes or a hip hurts.

… that when people say, ‘Bob you are out of fucking control,’ I hear ‘Bob, you are such a free spirit.’

… that more often than not I find out without even getting the chance to fuck around.

… that people need constant reminding that no matter how they feel about me, there’s nothing they can do.

… that after work I was so excited to get that raise. I mean, it was in medication dosage, but I’ll take any win I can get.

… that some people think I have no self control. I have actually cooked meals for men I should have poisoned but didn’t.

… that people need to learn that I may not put the sparkle in their eyes, but I will put the WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I think the best way to get over somebody is with your car.

… that people don’t realize my social media posts are not targeted at anyone in particular, but if you feel offended I’m glad I could reach one person.

[source]

had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from India.

This is how it went:

“Hello sir, how are you today?”

“I’m very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?”

“Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I’m calling you from Microsoft”.

“Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How’s the weather there today?”

“No, sir – MICROSOFT, the computer company. I’m calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and…”

“REALLY?? Well, that’s quite concerning.”

“Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you…”

“No, I meant it’s very concerning because you see I don’t HAVE a computer”.

“You don’t?”

“I don’t”.

“Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir.”

“Don’t have one”.

“Ipad?”

“Nope”.

“Tablet?”

“Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don’t even have a telephone”.

After a few seconds of silence he said, “Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!”

I said, “Well, you started it!” and slammed the phone down.

[Source]

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But wait! There’s more!

Space alien: Take me to your leader.
Earthling: You’ve sort of come at a bad time. (Bilbo)

MAGA: Yay, Trump’s cutting off freeloaders!!
ALSO MAGA: Hey why is my food stamp card not working!?

I’m trying to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t make myself that dumb.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

In a surprising trend, MAGA supporters are demolishing the East side of their houses.

Had an elderly boss who got scammed out of $5000 in a “your mac is infected” call. I told her it was a scam and reported it to Chase credit. That night, she called the scammer, angry. “I’m sorry”. he said. “I’ll refund you! What’s your debit card info?”
Guess what she did…

Going to bed the other night, I saw people stealing from my shed.
I called the police, they said no one was available.
So I called back a minute later.
“No need to hurry now, I shot them”.
Within minutes, half a dozen cop cars, helicopters, and an armed unit showed up and caught the thieves.
Officer: “I thought you said you shot them!”
Me: “I thought you said no one was available”.

Never trust a person who doesn’t like dogs.
But always trust a dog that doesn’t like a person.

Coffee mug saying…
I am a ray of fucking sunshine.

I was gonna start dieting, but Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Before you know it, it’s BBQ season again and I’m not about to turn down a cheeseburger.

My Girlfriend yelled at me, “Stop it with all your corny jokes!”
I said, “What are you gonna do, call the crops?”

After Tarzan and Jane have gotten to know each other for a while, they finally decide to become intimate. Tarzan has never been with a woman before, so Jane asks him what he normally does when he has… Urges. “Tarzan find tree with hole.” “Well, just do to me what you do to the hole in the tree.” Tarzan gives a grunt of understanding, and Jane lies down, closes her eyes and opens her legs. Then, out of nowhere, Tarzan delivers a devastating punt to her crotch. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?” “TARZAN CHECK FOR BEES.”

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was out in the garage organizing his golfing equipment. His wife came to the door and after a long period of silence, she said, “Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. I’m sure you could probably get a good price for your clubs.” Tim got a horrified look on his face. His wife said, “Darling, what’s wrong?” Tim shook his head and said, “For a minute there, you started to sound like my ex-wife.” “Ex-wife!” she screamed, “I didn’t know you were married before!” He gave her a pointed look and said, “I wasn’t.”

A man and wife were sitting in their easy chairs… she was watching TV and he was reading…. she said, “Sam, if I died, do you think you would get married again?” He didn’t drop his paper and replied, “Oh, I don’t know… maybe, I guess…”
She was taken aback. “What? You’d actually marry another woman after me?!”
“I guess — I don’t know…”
“Well, would you give her my golf clubs, too?”
“No, she’s left-handed.”

When do flowers get their workouts in?
Spring training.

What time does everyone love to drink?
Wine o’clock.

What did police have to do when 500 hares got loose downtown?
They had to comb the area.

Why do cows go to New York City?
To see the moo-sicals.

A bear that got wet from a light rain is called what?
A drizzly bear.

Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In the dad-a-base.

What do you call Dracula with hay fever?
The pollen Count.

Where do sports teams go to buy new uniforms?
New Jersey.

What do you call an enlisted man who loves to cook?
A grill sergeant.

I just got my electricity bill and I think there’s been a mistake. I believe they’ve charged me for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the light of my life, the speed of light, the light fantastic, and the light at the end of the tunnel. (Bilbo)

A dog will love you more than any person.
But they’ll also steal your sandwich.

#ANALBUMCOVER
I read it wrong too, that’s why we’re friends.

I met my friend’s new girlfriend. The white coverall suit, helmet, and the smell of honey was enough for me to tell him she was a keeper.

My friend Bob went skydiving. He misunderstood and brought a pair of shoes.
I’ll miss Bob. (Think about it, I had too.)

I’m collecting my thoughts. I almost have a full set. (Bilbo)

Facebook has taught me a couple of things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.

No parent ever turned the car around.
It was an empty threat that we all fell for.

I’m not saying I’m old, but I remember when “hashtags” were called pound signs. (I still call them that.)

Bruce Lee had a brother who was always precise. His name is Exact Lee.

Had a real good fighting brother named Brutal Lee.

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Running is a great way to meet new people. Today, I met two EMTs, three nurses, and a cardiologist.

My fondest childhood memory is thinking $100 was a lot of money.

Do you realize that if you are sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM, and the clock strikes midnight – It’s the same crap, different day.

Having kids makes you realize how dumb your lies used to sound to your parents.

You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

My body isn’t a temple. It’s a haunted house. It needs a lot of work, makes mysterious creaking sounds, and contains the spirit of a creepy old man that’s always mad about something.

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken. It’s a poultrygeist. A fowl spirit. I’m going to call an eggsorcist, to help it cross to the other side.

The day when I can yell, “Where is my phone?” and it yells back, “Down here in the couch!” Then it will really be a smartphone.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

I might wake up early and go for a jog. I may also win the lottery. Odds are about the same.

A bill collector called me saying, “Your bill is now a year old.” I said, “Tell it Happy Birthday,” and hung up.

I Googled “Who gives a crap?”
My name wasn’t in the search results.
(But https://us.whogivesacrap.org does apparently give a crap.)

[Source]