Category: Humor

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Perks Of Being 60 (Or More) Years Old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you’re likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run—anywhere.
4. People call at 8 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now probably won’t wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4:30 pm—and no one will question it.
9. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable level.

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Why Is It…

… that most people don’t realize that when I say I hope we can be more than friends, I mean we can be strangers.

… that some people tell you I’m the nicest person they’ve ever met and some people say I am a bitch? Well, believe them both because they got the version they deserved.

… that while an apple a day keeps the doctor away, it also keeps most people away if you throw it hard enough.

… that my co-workers have yet to learn that “Fuck that shit” is a perfectly acceptable substitution for “No.”

… that when life feels extra rough I ask myself, “Did you poop your pants,” and if the answer is No then I’m still winning.

… that the other day when a co-worker told me they were mad at me I suggested they slip on a cape so they can be SuperMad.

… that no one is laughing at the Amish anymore? Is it because they’re the ones clickety-clacking right past every gas station?

… that my To-Do List always includes barking up the wrong tree, putting all my eggs in one basket, judging a book by its cover, rocking the boat, and add fuel to the fire.

… that while my mind still think I’m 25, my body says my mind is dumb.

… that when I can’t sleep I tend to think of things like, how many vampires have been run over by people who back up only using their mirrors?

[Thanks, Bob!]

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