the universe: Okay, you're a human. I gave you free will and a conscious mind, so you're free to do whatever you want. So what do you wanna do?

human: GO FAST

the universe: Well, you're a perfect pursuit predator but if that's the way you want to evolve, go ahead.

human, climbing on a horse: GO FAST

the universe: Wait what?

human, inventing the carriage, the car and the bullet train: GO FASTER

the universe: I IMPLORE YOU TO STOP

human, trying to figure out lightspeed travel: FAS T ER

human:

THEORETICALLY MAXIMUM FAST

the universe:

How will the people in the ship not get gibbed?

Because the warp drive doesn't actually accelerate the ship, it just makes the space in front of it smaller and the space behind it larger. Or something.

it works like this

Objects cannot accelerate to the speed of light within normal spacetime; instead, the Alcubierre drive shifts space around an object so that the object would arrive at its destination faster than light would in normal space without breaking any physical laws.

I love how mankind's solution to FTL is just to bend to rules of reality a little.

the universe: ok human, with the physical laws as they are you can't go faster than the speed of light.

human: ok, let me just figure out how to manipulate space time so I can go FASTER!

[Source]

Because I laughed when I saw it.

And that's not even taking the dogs into account!

So I was visiting the Wayback Machine today to see if they'd managed to archive anything of importance from my pre-2012 blog—you know, the one I wiped out in an impulsive fit prior to moving to Denver because I'd sent out emails to several recruiters there with a link to it in my signature. (Lesson Learned and to be filed under: How not to make a good first impression.)

While obviously all the salacious graphics are unavailable and overall the captures are spotty (lots of pages from the end of months, but nothing from the beginnings), I am finding that there's some interesting stuff stored there that is worth pulling back into this blog retroactively.

One post I ran across had me giggling. It's seven years old now, but some things never change:

Dear Employee:

First of all, I have no idea how you got hired for the technology-intensive position you occupy. I can understand not being familiar with some of the specialized applications we use here, but with it being 2010 and not 1980, I would have thought that demonstrating at least a basic understanding of how Windows and Microsoft Office operate would be a requirement for employment at this organization. Obviously I was mistaken.

Secondly, many of your issues (at least the ones concerning your computer equipment) can be solved by simply rebooting.  Oh wait, "rebooting" is one of those complicated "techie" words.  Let me rephrase: "Turn your computer off and turn it back on."  No, not the display; I'm talking about the tower that's on the floor.

Thirdly, your CD drive will not play a DVD, and whining about it won't change that fact.  I don't care if it is work related and you have to see it NOW.  Am I supposed to pull a DVD drive out of my ass? Your director needs to request a quote and if he approves the purchase it normally takes about a week to receive it.

Fourth, all requests for assistance MUST go through the Help Desk, regardless of how incompetent they really are over there. (Something I think we can both agree on.) This is drummed into you folks from your very first new hire orientation, yet you still think that by calling me directly, emailing, or stopping me in the hall your problem will get looked at quicker.  It won't.  And don't send me an email at 10pm because your mouse isn't working and then get all snarky the next morning because I didn't respond. I do not check email after I leave work.  If you followed procedure and called the frigging Help Desk like you should have, your problem might have been solved then and there, as unlikely a scenario as that is. At the very least they would've had the on-call tech get in touch with you.

And lastly, the volume of whining you do has a direct inverse effect on the priority I place on your problem.  Despite what you may believe, yours is not the most important job in this organization and business will not come to a grinding halt because you can't VPN from home.  If what you need to do is that important, get off your ass and come into the office like the rest of us.

Thank you, and you have yourself a great day!