Category: It's Funny Because it's True

the universe: Okay, you're a human. I gave you free will and a conscious mind, so you're free to do whatever you want. So what do you wanna do?

human: GO FAST

the universe: Well, you're a perfect pursuit predator but if that's the way you want to evolve, go ahead.

human, climbing on a horse: GO FAST

the universe: Wait what?

human, inventing the carriage, the car and the bullet train: GO FASTER

the universe: I IMPLORE YOU TO STOP

human, trying to figure out lightspeed travel: FAS T ER

human:

THEORETICALLY MAXIMUM FAST

the universe:

How will the people in the ship not get gibbed?

Because the warp drive doesn't actually accelerate the ship, it just makes the space in front of it smaller and the space behind it larger. Or something.

it works like this

Objects cannot accelerate to the speed of light within normal spacetime; instead, the Alcubierre drive shifts space around an object so that the object would arrive at its destination faster than light would in normal space without breaking any physical laws.

I love how mankind's solution to FTL is just to bend to rules of reality a little.

the universe: ok human, with the physical laws as they are you can't go faster than the speed of light.

human: ok, let me just figure out how to manipulate space time so I can go FASTER!

[Source]

Because I laughed when I saw it.

And that's not even taking the dogs into account!

So I was visiting the Wayback Machine today to see if they'd managed to archive anything of importance from my pre-2012 blog—you know, the one I wiped out in an impulsive fit prior to moving to Denver because I'd sent out emails to several recruiters there with a link to it in my signature. (Lesson Learned and to be filed under: How not to make a good first impression.)

While obviously all the salacious graphics are unavailable and overall the captures are spotty (lots of pages from the end of months, but nothing from the beginnings), I am finding that there's some interesting stuff stored there that is worth pulling back into this blog retroactively.

One post I ran across had me giggling. It's seven years old now, but some things never change:

Dear Employee:

First of all, I have no idea how you got hired for the technology-intensive position you occupy. I can understand not being familiar with some of the specialized applications we use here, but with it being 2010 and not 1980, I would have thought that demonstrating at least a basic understanding of how Windows and Microsoft Office operate would be a requirement for employment at this organization. Obviously I was mistaken.

Secondly, many of your issues (at least the ones concerning your computer equipment) can be solved by simply rebooting.  Oh wait, "rebooting" is one of those complicated "techie" words.  Let me rephrase: "Turn your computer off and turn it back on."  No, not the display; I'm talking about the tower that's on the floor.

Thirdly, your CD drive will not play a DVD, and whining about it won't change that fact.  I don't care if it is work related and you have to see it NOW.  Am I supposed to pull a DVD drive out of my ass? Your director needs to request a quote and if he approves the purchase it normally takes about a week to receive it.

Fourth, all requests for assistance MUST go through the Help Desk, regardless of how incompetent they really are over there. (Something I think we can both agree on.) This is drummed into you folks from your very first new hire orientation, yet you still think that by calling me directly, emailing, or stopping me in the hall your problem will get looked at quicker.  It won't.  And don't send me an email at 10pm because your mouse isn't working and then get all snarky the next morning because I didn't respond. I do not check email after I leave work.  If you followed procedure and called the frigging Help Desk like you should have, your problem might have been solved then and there, as unlikely a scenario as that is. At the very least they would've had the on-call tech get in touch with you.

And lastly, the volume of whining you do has a direct inverse effect on the priority I place on your problem.  Despite what you may believe, yours is not the most important job in this organization and business will not come to a grinding halt because you can't VPN from home.  If what you need to do is that important, get off your ass and come into the office like the rest of us.

Thank you, and you have yourself a great day!

We use these sayings all the time and never think about where they came from because those of us "of a certain age" (basically anyone born before 2000 lived through most of them. But, kids use these phrases without even knowing what they mean. They have no idea what VCRs are or what copies used to look (or smell!) like. Here are a handful of the sayings we use that most kids today will not understand.

1. "Broken Record"
Few kids today will understand the annoying sound a broken record makes, skipping on repeat. But, most kids know the phrase means someone who sounds repetitive.

2. "Roll the Window Down"
Before power-everything, we rolled down the windows of a car with a crank that rolled. Well, ok, so maybe the kids of classic car collectors will understand this one.

3. "Hang Up the Phone"
Back then you actually had to hang up the phone on the receiver in order to end the call. Kids who've only ever used cell phones or cordless phones won't have a clue how we used to talk on the phone.

4. "Rewind"
Ok, due to the resurgence in cassette tapes, some kids may know what this one means. Remember rewinding machines for VHS tapes? Blast from the past!

5. "Close, But No Cigar"
Once upon a time, cigars were among the prizes given out at carnivals. When you inevitably did not win, this phrase was the only consolation prize.

6. "Been Through the Wringer"
Back when washing day was an all-day affair, the clothes would need to be wrung out. Even folks who had a washing machine often did not have a dryer. Most kids today wouldn't even know what a wringer is!

7. "On the Flip Side"
The other side of the record is something kids won't experience (unless they're into vinyl). They still use this term, many without understanding where it comes from.

8. "Blowing Off Steam"
Back when trains were the main form of long-distance transport for people and for cargo, the steam engines had to occasionally release steam in order to stabilize the whole mechanism. It was so much fun to ride the train back then! Kids today are really missing out.

9. "Ditto"
Ditto is a popular term these days, but most kids have no idea that it refers to an early form of copy machine. Used from the 1920s to the 1980s, the small machine produced mimeograph-like copies on the cheap, and those of us who went to school during those years will never forget the smell of a fresh ditto.

10. "Drop a Dime"
Way back when people used public pay phones, you would drop a dime into the coin slot in order to make a call. It's hard to believe sometimes that a call used to be that cheap!

11. "Johnny Law"
The hero of the day, Johnny Law, will fight for justice! The DC comic book character of Johnny Law made such an impression on us that we still use this phrase to mean police officers. In the Golden Age of comics, from the 1930s into the 1950s, Johnny Law was a role model for kids across America.

12. "Clean Slate"
Chalkboards used to be used in every single classroom. Back in the old days, they were made with slate. Thus, a clean slate is the fresh start of a new day, when the mistakes of yesterday have been erased. Kids today are used to dry erase boards and computers.

13. "Ring Up a Purchase"
Oh so many years ago, a cash register was manual and had an actual physical bell inside of it that rang when the lever was pulled for the bill total. Remember hearing that familiar sound?

14. "Stay Tuned"
Back when TV and radio stations had to be tuned to the right frequency to o get good reception and enjoy your program, before a commercial the announcer would tell everyone to "stay tuned" for the rest of the show. How long has it been since you used a tuning dial?!

It's funny how our technology changes, yet our vocabulary still reflects a time long gone. We remember a time when records and train travel were common. Even though kids won't know what these sayings really refer to, they'll still be used years from now!

(This original article was written by Rose Heichelbech and published on Dusty Old Thing)

Travel to exotic worlds! Visit alien civilizations! Be the first to die!

…will sadly never understand the correlation.

Found somewhere on the interwebs and copied verbatim. Not necessarily my own choices, but I found the list interesting enough to pass on:

1. The feeling when you first wake up but don't have to get out of bed yet.

2. It might not be sexual, but having your hair played with.

3. Taking a big poop with only a little resistance. Combined with a dry wipe and you're winning at life.

4. Getting goose bumps from music.

5. When you're congested and then suddenly your nostrils open up.

6. When you finally get rid of that thing stuck in your teeth.

7. Dipping your hand into a deep bag of uncooked rice.

8. Sitting down after being on your feet all day.

9. That moment right before your favorite part in the song then that motion you do afterwards.

10. Pee-shivers.

11. Burying yourself in hot laundry fresh from the dryer.

12. Dangling a cool metal chain over your hand and slowly lowering it down so it collects in your palm.

13. Lying in the pool and smacking your arms down in the water to create a rush of tiny bubbles underneath you that envelope your entire body for a few seconds.

14. Putting on a brand new pair of socks.

15. A shower beer. I highly recommend it if you haven't tried it.

16. Turning your pillow to the cold side.

17. Getting into my bed after I've washed my sheets and made it.

18. Opening a book to the correct page on the first try.

19. Twirling a q-tip in your ear right after a shower.

20. Pulling the protective plastic covers off new electronics.