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some days, everything in the news is so unbelievably stupid that you don’t even know where to start. so let’s just spin the Big Wheel of Moron and see where it lands. ready? here we go.

oh look, the House just made itself go fuckity-bye for the rest of the summer.

why? because mean old Thomas Massie has been walking around with a big, throbbing discharge petition in his pants, and he’s been threatening to expose it to everyone.

House Speaker Limpdick Von Gavel had worked himself into a Ginormous Furious over this discharge petition — because had Massie gotten the chance to pull it out, it would have forced a vote on releasing the Epstein Files.

The acrimony comes as Massie continues to push for a vote on his bipartisan resolution calling for the release of documents in the Jeffrey Epstein case, a measure many Republicans are opposed to. Massie is vowing to use a discharge petition to force a vote on the measure, something rarely used by a member of the majority.

and so Speaker Limpdick did the only thing he could. he bravely ran away, away.

in fact, he made everyone run away.

Speaker Mike Johnson announced on Tuesday that he was cutting short the week’s legislative business and sending the House home early for the summer on Wednesday to avoid having to hold votes on releasing files related to the accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein.

there you have it, folks. that’s the length to which the entire Republican apparatus will go to suppress every shred of evidence about the sick shit that Dear Leader and his dead pedo bestie were up to — they’ll even make themselves go fuckity-bye.

the most useless Congress in history now goes home for the rest of the summer. apart from that big ugly bill that shreds the social safety net while giving another huge tax cut to gazillionaires, they accomplished fuck-all. they couldn’t even manage to rename a post office.

now, all these worthless Republican Reps can go back to their home districts and do fuck-all at home. don’t expect these profiles in courage to hold any town halls. they all know what will happen if they do: they’ll have to listen to angry constituents scream at them about why is my health insurance gone? why did the Space Nazi get a tax cut? — and above all: why didn’t you vote to release the Epstein Files?

everyone knows that Dear Leader’s name is all over the Epstein Files. otherwise, why would every one of Donny’s enablers be working so hard to make sure those files never see the light of day?

what a ridiculous fucking charade.

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oh look, President Saddy McSadsad is sad.

“We had the Greatest Six Months of any President in the History of our Country, and all the Fake News wants to talk about is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax!”

oh, boo fucking hoo. put a sock in it, you whiny jackass.

first of all, was this past six months really the greatest of any presidency? fact check:

as for the second part: Alexa, are the Epstein Files all anyone wants to talk about?

fact check: of fucking course they are — because every five minutes, new shit comes to light.

Photos from 1993 confirm for the first time that Epstein attended Trump’s 1993 wedding to Marla Maples. Epstein’s attendance at the ceremony at the Plaza Hotel was not widely known until now.

In addition, footage from a 1999 Victoria’s Secret fashion event in New York shows Trump and Epstein laughing and chatting together ahead of the runway event.

what else should we be talking about, Donny, if not your pedo bestie? would you like us to talk about how increasingly demented and incoherent you are? would that make you happier?

you know, he has these think tanks. and they build— they build buildings for people that think. and it’s really not thinking, it’s uhh, a little bit of combination of thinking, but it’s uhh, it’s something you sort of have, or you don’t have.”

holeeeey shit. ‘they build buildings for people that think.’ no, wait — they don’t just think, they do a combination of thinking. or they don’t, because it’s something only some people have.

here’s your pudding cup, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants. it’s obviously way past your bedtime.

by the way, they also build buildings for people who don’t think.

but please, do go on, sir. we’re hanging on every word.

“but what we found is even more so. we found absolute— this isn’t like evidence, or the— this is like proof. irrefutable proof, that Obama was sedatious. that Obama led— was trying to lead a coup. and it was with Hillary Clinton, with all these other people. but Obama headed it up. and, if, you know, I get a kick when I hear— everyone talks about about people I never even heard of, was this— no, no, it was Obama. he headed it up. and it says so right in the papers. and everything. got everything. this is the biggest scandal in the history of our country. and it really goes on to even the autopen.”

words, do they even exist?

what is ‘sedatious,’ does anyone know? is that when you’re bodacious andseditious?

excuse me, but where are the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media? can not one of these wastes of space stand up and, at long last, finally ask what the fuck is wrong with you?

no, they can’t.

they’re all content just stand around and nod their heads, as if a diaper-loading grievance-factory hallucinating crimes and threatening to imprison his predecessor was the most normal thing in the world.

nothing to see here, right?

imagine if Joe Biden had accused Donny of trying to lead a coup. OH WAIT, THAT’S A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Barack Obama has issued a response to the Mad King’s caterwauling.

Out of respect for the office of the presidency, our office does not normally dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House with a response. But these claims are outrageous enough to merit one. These bizarre allegations are ridiculous and a weak attempt at distraction.

Nothing in the document issued last week undercuts the widely accepted conclusion that Russia worked to influence the 2016 presidential election but did not successfully manipulate any votes. These findings were affirmed in a 2020 report by the bipartisan senate intelligence committee, led by then-chairman Marco Rubio.

that’s pretty eloquent, but I like Stephen Colbert’s response to Donny better.

“go fuck yourself.”