"I Don't Know Art, But I Know What I Like."
If Only…
A little something I came up with while laying awake at 4 am this morning…
Yeah, yeah, I know, "Pence is worse!" But don't worry my pretties…Mueller has that asshole in his sights as well and any Pence Presidency would be short-lived and impotent from the stink Trump left all over him.
Living With Pugs Makes You Do Things
Michael, my last housemate in San Francisco had three pugs. All female, they were named Carlotta, Frances(ca), and Wanita. Carlotta, the little black one, was definitely the alpha female of the group, and also had the most personality. Frances was neurotic and Wanita was the most nonchalant and laid back of the three, providing a stabilizing counterpoint to the antics of the other two.
I'd known Michael for years prior to us living together. We shared a similar twisted sense of humor and love of wordplay. One day, shortly after I'd moved back to Tucson, I received in the mail a hastily thrown together xerox parody one-sheet from him for an upcoming film called Feces. The movie Species was playing at the time, so I immediately caught the humor in the name—especially with the photo he'd used of Carlotta taking a big dump in the back yard of his house.
I thought, "I can turn this into something really amazing" and after receiving a digital copy of the photo he'd used, sat down and went to work. Little did I know what I'd be starting…
Never shy in front of a camera, Michael had taken dozens of amazing photos of Carlotta over the years. One of my favorites prompted the creation of her followup film:
After I returned to San Francisco and Michael and I moved in together, I became much more intimately aware of the dogs' personalities, and before long they were appearing in my dreams.
One night, I'd dreamt that instead of just one Carlotta, the house was overrun with a multitude. "When a cloning experiment goes terribly wrong." Thus the inspiration for another one-sheet…
Not wanting to be left out of the limelight, soon her "sisters" demanded screen time.
One afternoon Wanita and Francesca were laying on the sofa in such a way that they looked like one continuous creature buried in a blanket. Immediately I thought "Sandworm!" and grabbed my camera. Another star was born…
The last unfilmed blockbuster Dragon Lady Productions was to produce starred the third of the pug sisters, poor, demented Francesca. As I mentioned earlier, Frances wasn't really all there at times and had the disgusting proclivity of munching on the most disgusting of self-made snacks she'd left in the back yard. But as they say in Hollywood, turn that liability into an asset…
Absolutely NO ONE will be seated during the horrifying flossing sequence!
It should be noted that Michael was a huge fan of Karen Black, which explains why—even though the films revolve around the dogs' characters—she is always billed as the star. We've kept these posters to ourselves all these years, but now that Miss Black has left the arena, I figure it's safe to release them onto an unsuspecting world. As far as all the other names are concerned…well, it's parody after all and the references will undoubtedly be lost on anyone who wasn't there during their creation to begin with, but hopefully they'll garner a few chuckles along the way nonetheless.
Sadly, the pug sisters' film careers came to and end after Cafe eColi, and—like Miss Black herself—have long since left the arena. But they will live on forever in our memories.