Category: Religious Absurdity

From Shitposting4Satan:

All jokes aside, I think there's reasonable evidence that the "Rapture" may have already happened.

Here's my points…

The Covid pandemic would have been the perfect time for hundreds of thousands of people to vanish and nobody notice. I mean we couldn't even attend funerals.

Also in the Bible, Christians' favorite book they never read, Jesus warns repeatedly and clearly that LOTS of people will THINK they'Il make it into heaven and be in for a rude surprise (the parable of the sheep and the goats in Matthew, for example).

But wait, there's more.

The Bible says that Jesus will return "like a thief in the night."

And here's something I've been wondering about. Why do Christians think this means it will be a sudden and cataclysmic event? A thief in the night doesn't surprise you, that's the whole point, he's sneaky and steals your shit while you're sleeping and you don't notice. So maybe it REALLY means "the Rapture will happen and nobody will notice, at least not right away."

"But won't people notice a billion or so people suddenly vanishing from the Earth in an instant?" You might ask.

To which I point out Jesus' constant warnings that not everyone will make it into heaven. The sheep and the goats, narrow is the way, etc.

So why do we assume BILLIONS of Christians will go to heaven? Maybe the number will be a LOT smaller. Like so small that during the chaos of a global pandemic, it goes unnoticed.

Several Christian sects believe that only 144,000 people will make it into heaven, based on that number in the Bible. Most mainstream sects claim it's a metaphorical figure and not to be taken literally. But it's food for thought.

And of course, this would cause a problem, because who would be there to tell everyone after the Rapture happened?

Could it be, I don't know…
Someone like me, a former hardcore Christian and missionary, who left his faith?

This would also explain why Christians are such hate-filled assholes today. The few actually Christ-like ones among them were already raptured, leaving the assholes behind.

And we all know how obsessed Christians are with the end times, Mark of the Beast, the Rapture happening at any moment, blah blah blah. Maybe they're right, but they're so close to the obvious truth that they've missed the forest for the trees: The Rapture already happened, and you guys got left behind with us godless heathens.

Now you might say. You're a Satanist shitposting memes on Insta. Why should I believe you?

Well in the Bible, God made a donkey speak to a prophet because he was being too stubborn to listen.

I only wish I was hung like a horse, but maybe I'm that donkey.

You're welcome, and God bless!

Okay Let Me Get This Straight…

According to Christian mythology, God is omniscent. God created Adam and Eve (not Adam and Steve, as we're so often reminded). Eve was tricked by Satan (in the form of a talking snake) into eating of the Tree of Knowledge.

Because of that, we lost our immortality and were cast out of the Garden of Eden to live out our lives in pain and suffering. (And apparently snakes were also stripped of the gift of gab as part of the punishment…just because.)

Let's stop right there for a moment.

The Christians' invisible friend-in the-sky is perfect and all knowing. Yet he created beings who—by being omniscient—he knew from the very beginning would be flawed. In other words, humans were built broken (and therefore created imperfectly) to begin with. So if God is incapable of making mistakes, that means he intentioinally created humans imperfect and subject to sin.

WTF? I mean seriously. WTF?

He created imperfect humans so they'd sin and "force" him to cast them out of the Garden.

What kind of sick fuck would do this?

Good ol' Yaweh, that's who.

This Christian God sounds like a real asshole.

And if Adam and Eve (and later, their two sons) were the only people on Earth, where the fuck did Cain and Able get wives? Were they screwing Eve? So they married their own sisters? Where in the Big Book of Traditional Marriage does that option appear? (Turns out, more often than you'd think.)

But hah, not this time. Instead they went east into the Land of Nod, where there were apparently already a large group of people living quite contentedly without any knowledge whatsoever this wondrous Garden and its psychotic keeper to the west.

W…T…F?  Where the hell did these people come from if there were only supposed to be four living people on the entire face of the planet up until this point?

If you ask any man of the cloth this question (when he's not busy raping pre-pubescent boys) the answer is generally, "Some things are just taken on faith." In other words, shut up and don't ask questions.

My brain hurts.

But let's back up even further.

Perfect, all knowing Christian sky-fairy creates everything—including another product of the fevered Christian imagination—angels.  But one of them rebels and is "cast out." So once again we're shown that God isn't perfect, or that he just intentionally creates imperfect things that he enjoys torturing, like a kid with a magnifying glass encountering an ant hill on a sunny day.

Why does the word "psychopath" keep coming to mind?

Later on in the Big Book of Lies (aka the BuyBull), God says "Whoopsie!" and decides that humanity—after being fruitful and multiplying—didn't turn out exactly like he'd intended again and should be killed…except for one small family who is then tasked with saving a pair of every living creature on earth. Or at least within walking distance of their home.

What's the matter? Isn't this God quite capable of saving all the animal life he wants on his own? Or is Norman Bates already growing impotent? And what about the plants, for chrissake? If the planet needs a reboot to rid it of the sin that Mr. Invisible created in the first place, why not just send it careening into the sun and start again from scratch? Or is that now beyond his power? I mean seriously…a flood?

And one more question: If all current humanity sprang from that one little family, where did all the races come from?

But going back to the Garden of Eden for a moment. Let's play a little game and say that Eve didn't eat of the Tree and humanity was never cast out from the Garden or lose its immortality. Can you imagine what a sty that place would be with fifteen to twenty billion of us trying to squeeze in there now? (Remember, people don't die, but they sure don't stop reproducing either!)

Anyway…

Later on, magic sky fairy realizes that he's fucked up again and Noah's descendants turn out just as bad their predecessors. You'd think that by now the idiot would realize this, right? (Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.) But this time, instead of flooding the place (or sending it careening into the sun) he's going to go down there as himself…as his son…to torture and descend into hell so that whoever believes in this ultimate sacrifice latest bit of crap doesn't have to go to that make believe place themselves.

These fairy tales are fine for iron-age savages who don't have the deductive reasoning—or scientific history to back them up—that modern men do, but c'mon guys…it's the 21st Century. We've landed men on the moon and have just put a probe the size of a car on Mars. If ever there was a time for the "All Powerful" to come down and say "Great job, guys!" it's now. But since he's been conspicuously absent from the goings on of our daily lives going on 2000 years now and from all accounts is a major DICK, I think it's high time for him to put up or shut up.

This is why I'm an Atheist. Because all these magic stories are pure, unadulterated bullshit.

"The problem isn't that they ate the fruit, it's that they disobeyed God." How would they know that disobeying your god is "wrong" without the knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil?

"They didn't know that eating the fruit was wrong, but they knew deviating from the instructions would be unacceptable." And how would they know that god-acceptance is a good thing, and god non-acceptance is a bad thing without the knowledge of good and evil, right and wrong?

"Well, they should have just obeyed God." Same problem – how do they know that obeying your god is "right" and not obeying your god is "wrong" without that knowledge?

"Because they should have listened to God and not the serpent." You're really not getting this. How would they know that listening to your god and ignoring the snake is the "right" thing to do? And why did this god warn them about the fruit, but not about the snake?

"Be… because it's written on everyone's hearts." So you're actually trying to say that people are born with the knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil "on their hearts." So obtaining it from the fruit was redundant. And tormenting them merely an act of capricious abuse.

Furthermore, they were (supposedly) the first people ever in the world. Nobody had any experience with anything. How would they even comprehend "lest ye die" as consequences, when nobody had ever died, ever? And didn't even happen (i.e. was a lie). Without the knowledge of right and wrong, good and evil, how would they know that paying attention to this heart-writing was the right thing to do?

The mental gymnastics to try and salvage this stupid fable about their omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient god's omni-incompetence are Olympic-grade.

Spoiler alert: the bible makes no sense. And we're only up to page three.