Category: True Confessions

Where was the most inappropriate place you rubbed one out?

The most inappropriate place I can think of was in the back seat of my grandparents' car one summer while we were heading back to their house after doing grocery shopping. My mom and grandmother were in the front seat and—as far as I could tell—totally oblivious to what I was doing in the back. In the interest of complete disclosure, I seem to remember it involving the infamous nude centerfold of Burt Reynolds, but the date of that publication doesn't coincide with the time frame of our last summer in Massachusetts when I recall this happening. (That was 1968, and that particular issue of Cosmo—which I can't imagine either my grandmother or mother purchasing, BTW—came out in 1972.) So it's either my memory at fault or more broadly another incidence of the infamous Mandela Effect.

Imagine if you will January 1977, the beginning of the second semester of my first year at college. I'd just come out and after that announcement freaked my dorm mate out to such an extent he felt he had to move out, I had the room to myself.

One morning I decided it was time to explore this whole new world, so I stopped at a bookstore (no, not that kind of bookstore) just west of campus and bought my first Playgirl. SO risqué, right? Well, being the young horny guy I was, just thumbing through the pages got me so riled up I couldn't even make it back to my dorm room before I had to rub one out.

I stopped at the College of Architecture building and scurried upstairs to one of the lesser-used restrooms, thinking this would afford me a bit of privacy.

Wouldn't you know, about halfway through my stroking, some other guy came in and took up residence in the stall immediately adjacent to mine. (Even when I learned much later about the "hot" spots on campus, this was not one of them, so I doubt he was in there for any reason other than to relieve himself.)

Anyway, almost as soon as my neighbor had dropped is jeans to the floor and sat down, the magazine went flying out of my hands and landed, fully open, right under the divider between us. I immediately scooped it up, pulled up my pants and left so quickly I'm sure I created a vacuum in my wake.

This was the object of my attention. Funny how one's tastes change over the years…