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This is Satire, Right? RIGHT?!

From Dash Macintyre:

Trump’s White House Chef Just Published A Tell-All Book About His Eating Habits

Former White House Executive Chef Elizabeth Markowitz has just published a memoir about her time cooking for President Trump, and in it she reveals she only got to show off her cooking skills during rare state visits from foreign dignitaries because of Trump’s exclusive taste for fried foods.

“The former guy had the palette of a six-year-old,” Markowitz writes in her introductory chapter. “Honestly, the job was incredibly boring because Trump really only utilized my talents to be a glorified fast food delivery girl. I knew all the McDonalds and KFC window station employees by name. After a year I resigned because I had an epiphany one day that I hadn’t gone to elite culinary schools or subjected myself to the rigorous security vetting by the Secret Service just to drop a thousand bags of french fries and chicken into the fryer.”

Below are several preview excerpts Markowitz’s publisher has shared:

        • Trump loves M&M candies in his ice cream, but made Chef Markowitz remove all the brown ones. Her predecessor was fired when Trump found a single brown M&M he had missed.
        • Trump claimed to French President Macron that he invented the recipe to the McDonalds Big Mac sandwich.
        • When Trump eats tacos and some meat or lettuce falls out, he yells out to whoever is dining with him that “the wall just got ten feet higher!”
        • Trump’s favorite pizza topping is sauerkraut.
        • Trump critiques the Diet Coke cans he drinks like a scotch aficionado would rate a fine whiskey, and often makes comments on each can’s flavor profile as well as how it smells “on the nose.”
        • Trump leaves lipstick stains on all the straws he uses.
        • Trump often comments to dinner guests that global warming can’t be real because ice cream still exists.
        • Trump forbids vegetables from being served. Markowitz once described asparagus, and Trump said he had never heard of it. When shown a picture, he claimed it was “fake news.”
        • Trump delicately takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork, and sets it to the side of his plate. Then, he removes all the lean meat and discards it. The fat that’s left he wraps up inside the pieces of skin and eats it, often slurping the fat out of the middle like it’s an oyster. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe threw up the first time he had dinner with Trump and witnessed this.
        • The only part of a turkey Trump eats is the breasts. He and Stephen Miller have had several dinner discussions on what they think human breasts taste like. Miller described the taste with such vivid detail and creepy confidence that Markowitz believes he has actually eaten human meat before.
        • Trump is adamant that Obama “had to have” eaten more fried chicken than him, despite vigorous disagreement from every White House staff member.
        • Trump goes through a 20-oz ketchup bottle every week.
        • Trump changes into stretchy pants before every meal because he says buttons are “rigged against him.”
        • When world leaders dine with Trump, he reaches across the table and eats off their plates, which he calls a “power move” to assert dominance.
        • Every night Trump eats three servings of the dinner’s dessert, and tells the table “I’m never like this, I can’t believe how bad I’m being tonight.”
        • At the end of dinners, Trump pops off the cap of a Sharpie marker and starts huffing it, holding it like a cigar and sticking the tip deep inside his nostril. He offers markers to everyone else at the table in a fancy wooden box, but few partake with him. Ted Cruz once did, and blacked out.
        • Trump sprinkles ground up Adderall pills in his ice cream.
        • On Saturday mornings Trump always requested 8 pancakes arranged in two stacks with strawberries cut into circles placed in the middle of each stack so they looked like boobs. Then he wouldn’t eat them, but would just stick his face into them and make motor-boating sounds.
        • Trump occasionally has his daughter Ivanka “pre-chew” his food for him. Chef Markowitz overheard him telling Jim Jordan it’s the closest he’ll ever come to making out with her.
        • Trump often makes his son Eric try his food first to make sure it’s not poisoned.
        • Trump and his adviser Stephen Miller once bragged about the biggest restaurant bills they’ve ever racked up and not tipped their servers on.
        • Trump once ordered Markowitz to spit in any food served to his former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and demanded he see her do it.
        • Trump once told an entire women’s college softball championship-winning team during a White House luncheon that they’d all be hotter if they each lost 15 pounds.
        • Trump made Lindsey Graham eat three plates of lasagna, and then throw up in Ted Cruz’s open mouth in exchange for endorsing each of them.
        • Trump literally not even one time dined with Melania.
        • The few times that Trump’s son Barron came downstairs to eat at the same time as him, Trump called him “Boy,” and treated him like a server, apparently unaware of who he was.

[Originally published in my book Satire In The Trump Years: The Best Of The Halfway Post available on Barnes & Noble and Amazon!]

How sad is it that ninety percent of this sounds perfectly reasonable—and expected—behavior from Trump.

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News Cycle

From Greg Fallis:

news cycle

Herschel Walker: Abortion is bad, wicked, evil and I am against it totally.
Press: Didn’t you pay for your girlfriend to have an abortion?
Walker: That’s a lie. I did NOT pay for that woman’s abortion.
Press: Your ex-girlfriend says you did.
Walker: She’s a liar.
Press: We have the get well card you sent her.
Walker: Okay, I sent her a get well card. She was…you know, sick and all.
Press: We have a copy of the check you sent her to pay for the abortion.
Walker: That check was for medical supplies. Aspirin, hot water bottle, stuff like that.
Press: The memo line on the check says, ‘This is to pay for your abortion’.
Walker: It’s a forgery.
Press: We have video of you dropping her off at the abortion clinic.
Walker: I thought that was a Target. Anybody can make a mistake.
Press: In the audio of the video we can hear you saying, “Bye now, have a nice abortion!”
Walker: Fake news! Women lie!
GOP: We completely support Herschel Walker and are outraged by these scurrilous accusations. It just proves Democrats can’t be trusted.
Press: GOP says Dems can’t be trusted.

GOP: It’s possible Mr. Walker at one point in his otherwise exemplary life thought abortion might be okay under certain circumstances, but now he realizes he was wrong and all abortion is murder, so leave him alone.
Press: Exemplary life? He put a gun to his wife’s head and threatened to kill her.
GOP: A candidate’s domestic life isn’t the issue. The issue is pedophiles teaching CRT to grade school students.
Press: Walker used to play Russian roulette.
GOP: The Republican party cares about mental health rehabilitation. The past is the past.
Press: We’ve just received video of Herschel Walker paying to abort endangered baby eagles.
GOP: There’s no law against aborting baby eagles. Stick to the real issues that are important to American families. Inflation, the price of gas, trans girls winning medals in high school sports, Democrat crossdressers in girls bathrooms selling fetanyl.
Press: GOP says Dems killing teen girls.
Tucker Carlson: Are there are videos of Hunter Biden dressed in a frilly Lolita skirt taking bribes and cocaine from Chinese agents in the girl’s bathroom of a Catholic grade school? I’m just asking questions. Next up, Herschel Walker discusses how to arm yourself to protect your family from baby eagles.

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So This Happened…

As they are wont to do, this haboob came out of nowhere two days ago. We got no rain, but the high winds knocked our electricity out for about 90 minutes.

This photo was taken by Ben on his commute home. He pulled off the road (as you’re supposed to do) because visibility can fall to zero in a matter of minutes.

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