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Something to Offend Everyone

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources—they’re very good sources—that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

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SHUT IT DOWN.

It keeps happening. I wonder why?

https://twitter.com/Tengrain/status/1434680045696532486?s=20

If you need to keep in touch with Grandma, pick up a goddamned phone and call her.

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Once You’ve Destroyed the Rose Garden, What is Left?

I mean, really…

From Mock Paper Scissors:

As it is Labor Day (and the news is light), we turn our attention to a local labor problem: Mel does not want to return to the White House:

Former first lady Melania Trump is reportedly telling friends that she doesn’t want to return to the White House ― and that if her husband, Donald Trump, plans to run again, he’ll have to do it without her help.

We don’t know the terms of her contract with the Donald or what labor union represents her, but we do know that her insurance policy, er, son Baron is 15 so only a few more years before she can officially exercise her options and dump the chump with full retirement benefits.

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Quote of the Day

To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell.” ~ Marquis de Sade

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Put Aside Your Preconceptions

Try to Ignore the stilted narration and give this video a viewing.

I apparently am following in my late father’s footsteps because he was obsessed with this stuff, albeit he came at it more from an Erich Von Daniken/Ancient Astronauts viewpoint—something I find increasingly unlikely. I do, however, find it very likely that our current civilization is not the first to harness high-technology and spread to every corner of the globe…and it doesn’t require aliens at all.

People will say, “Okay, then…if there was a high-tech civilization that came before us, where are the remains of ancient cars, computers, helicopters,  continental highways? What happened to them?” I have an answer for both those questions.

First, watch the series Life After People, which lays out exactly how short a period of time would need to pass before all traces of our civilization disappeared.

The oldest currently discovered human habitation, Gobekli Tepi in Turkey, dates to approximately 12,000 BC. If humans were to disappear from the planet through some natural or unnatural catastrophe today, 12,000 years from now the only things that would remain identifiable are the stone and massive concrete constructs (i.e.the Hoover Dam and Mt. Rushmore, and yes, even the pyramids, are examples). Archaeologists would find no cars, no computers, no helicopters. Our continental highway system would have crumbled to sand long before that amount of time passed. Even ships lost under the seas would have long since decomposed.

Grand, planet-wide civilizations could have conceivably risen and fallen several times over the last hundred thousand years that modern humans are believed to have existed.

But what happened to at least the one which immediately preceded our own? As I’ve written here before, research the Younger-Dryas event, a cataclys

And I’m not even saying that all those civilizations would use the same tools that we currently do. It would be very much like comparing apples to oranges. They might very well have used technologies we have no knowledge of yet (automatically implying alien intervention to some people), and no doubt used something other than petrol chemicals to power their world. (Because if they had, we would not have the supply we currently do if they had depleted them as rapidly as we have.) Likewise if we’re wiped out, there will be precious little of those petroleum and its byproducts left to power the next civilization, forcing them to seek out other sources.

I’m not trying to convince anyone that this is what actually happened on our world, but give the video 30 minutes of your time and see what you think. Lord knows I can hear Ben’s eyes rolling back up into his head when I’m watching this stuff, but it explains it for me, and a lot of the questions I’ve been asking since I was a child now have answers that make sense.

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