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A Guide to Christian Clichés and Phrases

Stolen many years ago from Unreasonable Faith and always worth reposting, especially when I’m feeling especially snarky:

“Save sex for marriage.”

Translation: “If I can’t have consequence-free sex, neither can you.”
Acceptable Response: “I pledge myself! Give me a promise ring!”
Unacceptable Response: “So how did that work out for you?” Or, “Where exactly does the Bible say that?”

“All you need to do to go to heaven is ask Jesus into your heart.”

Translation: “You’re going to burn in hell if you don’t say this prayer, little boy.”
Acceptable Response: “Dear Jesus, thank you for coming into my heart and saving me…”
Unacceptable Response: “Dear Jesus, where in the Bible do you tell us to ask you into our hearts? That seems kind weird. And why did the ancient world think the heart was the kidney? Hello? Can you hear me? I guess this is just a one-way intercom. How can I know if you’re still around if you don’t say anything back? Okay, if you’re really there, appear to me right now in person like you did to Paul.” Or, “What exactly does Jesus do in my blood-pumping organ?”

“Amen”

Translation: “Say ‘amen’ back to me!”
Acceptable Response: “Amen” or “Preach it!” combined with vigorous head nodding.
Unacceptable Response: “No!” Or, “Hmm…. That doesn’t sound right.”

“What can I pray for you about?”

Translation: “Any juicy tidbits about your life I can spread through the prayer gossip grapevine?”
Acceptable Response: “Thanks for asking. You’re so kind. My wife is having an affair, my brother is a drunk, and my dog can’t control his sexual desires.”
Unacceptable Response: “Have you ever kept a prayer journal to see if you get more unanswered prayers than answered ones, or if your unasked prayers get answered just as much?”

“I’m not a racist, but…”

Translation: “I’m a racist asshole who attends an all-white church and is uncomfortable around most black people. I love racist jokes and am about to tell you a good one.”
Acceptable Response: Laugher followed by telling a slightly more racist joke.
Unacceptable Response: “You’re a hypocritical racist asshole.”

“God is in control.”

Translation: “I only believe this about overwhelming situations. The rest of the time, I believe things are up to us and I act that way.”
Acceptable Response: “Amen.” Sometimes followed by an anecdote about some unexplained or coincidental experience that you attribute to God.
Unacceptable Response: “If God’s in control, then relax and don’t do anything about it! In fact, you don’t have to do anything at all ever, right? But that’s not right, and people still have to do everything, so what does it mean for God to be in control and why does it matter?”

“I believe this because the Bible says so.”

Translation: “I have no clue about the history of that big book I’m in love with, and I don’t care either, because it’s God’s Word, and if God said it, it must be true.”
Acceptable Response: “Amen.”
Unacceptable Response: “It also says to kill homosexuals.” They might heartily agree to that one, which in case the unacceptable response becomes, “It also says to kill your children when they talk back. Have your children ever talked back?” Or, “Explain to me the authorship and transmission of the Bible, and why you think it’s God’s Word.” Or especially, “Jesus said to give anything to those who ask of you – and not only to give what they ask, but more. So please give me your wallet and your car.”

“What’s God doing in your life?”

Translation: “I’m getting ready to judge you.”
Acceptable Response: “I’m conquering pride and lust!” Or, “Oh, Jesus, Jesus, I love Jesus my beautiful King and Savior!”
Unacceptable Response: “God’s been teaching me about how much evidence there is for evolution.”

“Hate the sin, love the sinner.”

Translation: “I’m a flaming fundamentalist.”
Acceptable Response: “Amen.”
Unacceptable Response: “That’s a relief, because I’m a homosexual transvestite in an interracial relationship.”

“We’re in the end times.”

Translation: “My pastor said we’re living in the end times.”
Acceptable Response: “God will punish America for our sins!” Or, “America isn’t mentioned in the Bible because we’re going to crumble soon!”
Unacceptable Response: “Did you know that out of the millions of times Christians have claimed this throughout history, they’ve always been wrong?” Or, “If you’re so confident, I’m sure you’ll be confident in putting some significant money towards a bet on that.”

“He is risen!”

Translation: “It’s Easter! Let’s eat!”
Acceptable Response: “He is risen indeed!”
Unacceptable Response: “Where? I don’t see him.” Or, “Do you have any evidence for that statement?” Or especially, “Like yeast?”

“Jesus loves you.”

Translation: “Jesus does, but I don’t.”
Acceptable Response: “Amen.”
Unacceptable Response: “If that were true, why doesn’t he tell me himself?”

“Do you know where you’re going to go after you die?”

Translation: “This is the question they told me to ask in my evangelism class.”
Acceptable Response: “To heaven to see my sweet, precious Savior!”
Unacceptable Response: “How can you know that before you’re actually dead?”

“What would you say if you stood before God after you die?”

Translation: “I’ve got you now, sinner!”
Acceptable Response: “Please forgive me! I was so fracking stupid! How blind of me not to see you in everything you created!”
Possibly Acceptable Response: “Oops.”
Unacceptable Response: “If you wanted me to believe in you, why didn’t you show some kind of evidence? Why create everything through the painful process of evolution? Why did you let your creation suffer through hunger, neglect, disease, and war? Why incarnate yourself and then commit deicide/suicide? Why were you so bloodthirsty in the early years? If you’re God, you’re not a very good one.” Or, “Which one?”

“Thank you Jesus!”

Translation: “It’s easier to thank Jesus than the people who deserve it.”
Acceptable Response: “Amen!”
Unacceptable Response: “I’m not Jesus.” Or, “You’re welcome.”

“Have you found Jesus?”

Translation: “Are you also a Jesus-lover, or must I convert you?”
Acceptable Response: “I’ve been walking with the Lord since I was two years old, Praise Gawd!”
Unacceptable Response: “I didn’t know he was missing.”

“I’ll pray for you”

Translation: “This conversation is over. My mind exploded.” Or, “I refuse to believe you won this argument.”
Acceptable Response: “Thanks, you’re so kind.”
Unacceptable Response: ”Instead of praying, why don’t you read a non-Christian book?” Or, “I’ll think for you.” Or especially, “Liar.”

Continue reading…

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I Think I Just Threw Up in My Mouth a Little

Ben and I noticed the other day that development has started on a long-vacant tract of land on Thomas Road at 3rd Street. This parcel has been vacant for as long as I can remember. Imagine my horror when we learned it is slated for yet another overpriced “luxury” high-rise apartment development that will sit empty. Just what Phoenix needs.

From the developer’s website:

“When creating Alta Paradise Ridge, it was important to us that we offer residents an unparalleled living experience,” said Todd Taylor, development director for Wood Partners in Arizona and Nevada. “Our internal design process has continued to create beautiful multifamily units with fully-equipped, elegant amenities attractive to young professionals, families and empty nesters.”

Each unit includes a large quartz kitchen island, stainless steel appliances and wood style flooring, creating a functionally dynamic environment for cooking and entertaining. USB outlets, gigabit internet speeds and Bluetooth speakers seamlessly connect residents and their technological devices directly to their home.

Exclusive community amenities have also been incorporated to match the lifestyles of the Alta Paradise Ridge’s targeted audiences including a 24-hour fitness center, personal training, and yoga and spin rooms. Residents are also able to enjoy a wide range of opportunities for collaboration and relaxation in inviting spaces that include a clubhouse with an 11-foot television, a beach entry pool overlooking a private reserve, private dining room, and a rooftop terrace.

“More than just a place to live, Alta Paradise Ridge connects residents to the vibrancy of Phoenix and their community,” added Taylor. “We are proud to offer a top-tier living experience with a unique sense of place and culture to our targeted renter.”

And we know exactly who your “targeted renter” is, don’t we? Urban professionals with more money than sense who don’t own a single item and only use their apartment as a fuck-pad…

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Shocking Facts About the Student Loan Debt Crisis

1. Public college tuition in the United States was 3.22 times more expensive compared to 1985 adjusted for inflation.

2. Meanwhile, the cost of college textbooks has seen a 1,041% increase since 1977 — three times the rate of inflation. 

3. The average American student debt upon graduation is about equal to the price of a Tesla 3

4. Roughly two-thirds of college students face student loan debts after graduating today. One expert said more than 25% of those students almost definitely won’t be able to afford the burden, according to a guest column in Time.

5. Student loan debt in America has surpassed credit card debt.

6. Over 40 million Americans faced student loan debt in 2014. “The population with student loans is actually greater than the entire population of Canada, Poland, North Korea, Australia and more than 200 other countries,” the Huffington Post noted at the time.

7. According to the Bay Citizen, the rate at which graduates defaulted on their loans nearly doubled from 2005 to 2010, from 4.6% to 8.8%.

8. For the 7 million Americans who defaulted on their student loans in 2014, they may have become ineligible for certain government jobs, according to the Huffington Post.

9. The student loan debt crisis has prevented millennials from spending on many other life milestones.

Source

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Impure Thoughts

Limitless is apparently on the fence in regards to being renewed for a second season. I hope it makes the cut, because in addition to it being a fun show it would be a shame if we didn’t get to see cute Jake McDorman’s hot scruff every week.

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People Are Stupid

A few weeks ago the remodeled house down the street from CopperStar finally went up for sale. Ben and I laughed when we saw it being marketed for half a million, even with the crappy, unfinished back yard. It was a ridiculous asking price for the ‘hood, even if it had been pristine. I mean, the place is nice and all, but it’s not worth that much.

Well, it sold—for the full asking price.



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I’ve Given Up

I’ve given up on thinking that Apple’s Magic Mouse is ever going to work reliably with my MacBook Pro again. It’s just one of those things that’s broken and apparently can’t be fixed no matter how much Apple mucks around with it. While it worked flawlessly and the Bluetooth connection was rock solid under Snow Leopard, I can say with certainty that it hasn’t worked properly since Lion, and the problem has become insufferable since Mavericks. I keep hoping that with each new OS release/patch that the obvious bluetooth issues are going to go away, but nooooooo…

At first I believed (based on what I’d read online) that the issue was the batteries flopping around in the battery compartment, causing the mouse to lose power for a moment and drop connectivity. Who knew at AA batteries weren’t all the exact same size? Sure enough, different brands did fit differently, but the issue never resolved itself no matter what brand I bought. Even when I gave up on AA cells completely and bought the rechargable Mobee power pack (which fit very snugly in the battery compartment of the mouse) it would still drop connection.

And by drop connection, I don’t mean that it would disconnect and reconnect a few seconds later. I mean it would disconnect, and the only way to get it talking to the laptop again would be a complete reboot. Until it happened the next time. Ad nauseum.

So when the Magic Mouse 2 with it’s integral rechargeable battery came out a few months ago, of course I jumped on it. And to be fair, the problem did clear up for the most part. But lately it’s come back and it’s as infuriating as ever.

(This problem happens even with a fresh, virgin load of the OS, so it’s not some other piece of software interfering with the functionality. And BTW, there are reams of discussion online regarding this issue.)

So why do I insist on sticking with the Magic Mouse? Because—ironically—while I hated how it felt in my hand when I first got one all those many years ago, I now prefer the ergonomics. I also like the inertial scrolling, which Apple only seems to make available with that particular model.

“So why are you using a mouse at all? Why aren’t you using the trackpad on your laptop?”

Because even with as excellent as the Apple trackpads are, I’ve used a mouse most of my adult life and far and away prefer it over the pad. I will use the trackpad if I’m away from a hard surface, but using a mouse is still my preferred method of moving around the screen.

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Last Night’s Episode Is Probably My Last


Ben and I came into The Walking Dead at the beginning of season two and spent a week or so playing catch up with season one. We’ve both really enjoyed the series.

But this past season has been disappointing on so many levels, and while Ben abandoned the show a couple weeks ago, I soldiered onward, hoping there would still be something to keep me coming back for more.

But there isn’t. I’ve lost all sympathy for any of the main characters and simply do. not. care. any more whether they live or die.

Tom & Lorenzo (who I actually stopped following a couple months ago because of their constant bitchiness about pretty much everything) actually hit the nail on the head; the reason myself and apparently many others are abandoning the show:

Good job, TWD creative team! Attaboys and girls! You did it! It took you all some time, but you’ve effectively chipped away all the coolness from your few cool characters. You’ve managed to turn Carol into Andrea, Morgan into Dale and Daryl into season 2 Carl. Brilliant. We expect Michonne will start trying to run in heels any episode now. At the very least, they should have her flip her car into a ditch on an empty road, for old time’s sake.

We’ve spent roughly two whole seasons listening to Rick & Co. talk about how unprepared and naive the Alexandrians are, only to watch Rick & Co. consistently do idiotic things to demonstrate that they’re really no smarter or better equipped to handle the world than anyone else. Because really, is Denise the dumb one for leaving the safety of Alexandria in pursuit of can of pop or is Carol the dumber one for leaving the safety of Alexandria because she’s tired of killing people? Because you know what happens when you leave the safety of a place like Alexandria? You’re almost immediately plunged into life-or-death situations that call on you to…kill people to survive. In other words, Carol left Alexandria because she’s killed too many people, and then within hours of leaving, she kills another half-dozen. How does this make Carol anything but, well… an idiot? Then again, literally EVERYONE who walked out those gates—all of whom are counted among the best fighters in Alexandria because they’re all Rick-ites—are insanely and implausibly stupid for leaving the compound right after having declared war on a rival group by attacking and killing them.

Christ, what an awful episode. What a waste of time watching these people all inexplicably turn into other people for no reason than to service a plot that seems fairly weighted with inevitability and expectations at this point. Someone Important Is Going To Die. And in order for that to happen, Everyone’s IQ Has To Plummet.

And right on schedule, as we’ve been predicting all season, the Saviors suddenly and without warning went from a ragtag collection of smug Barney Fifes to the type of people who can sneak up on Daryl and shoot him before he gets a chance to react. Ugh. There is not one person in the cast right now whose death would upset us. Michonne, maybe. But it’s hard to remain concerned with (or even interested in) the fates of people who go dumb at a moment’s notice.

Even Kris, a friend of mine from DISH who is a hardcore fan responded to a text this morning wherein I told him I thought I was done with the series because of all this crap. “For me it’s the plot issues—the fact you can tell every episode has a different director. Doris and I very frequently look at each other and say ‘He/she wouldn’t do that!'”

At this point, I believe that whatever horrible things happen to Rick’s band at the hands of Neagan (I don’t follow the comics so I don’t really know what’s going to happen, but I have a pretty good idea) are well deserved. Rick & Co. have turned into exactly the kind of people they’ve been trying to avoid since the beginning of the Apocalypse.

I could go on and on, but I’ve already expended more energy on this than I’d intended, and it just isn’t worth it, but I will leave you with this thought posted by a commenter on another board:

“There doesn’t seem to be an end game or conclusion to this story; just endless suffering.”

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