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53 Lessons You Learn From Watching Too Much HGTV

Via Buzzfeed:

1. Home renos WILL lead to arguments.
2. And possibly divorce.
3. Or, at least, some of those couples should definitely break up…
4. Basically, happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (h/t Leo Tolstoy)
5. Countertops can only be made from two materials: granite or marble.
6. Counter space is ESSENTIAL, even if you know you don’t ever cook.
7. And you better banish the thought of renovating a kitchen without adding an island.
8. The larger your kitchen cabinets are, the better a person you are. It’s a fact.
9. There are no two people in the world who can successfully share a bathroom in the morning.
10. Literally, EVERY time two people attempt to gather over one sink, the world threatens to implode.
11. If only every bathroom had double sinks, world peace would be achievable.
12. Showers that can fit multiple people are totally necessary.
13. Even though no one will acknowledge the only situation in which that would even matter.
14. Sex. I mean sex.
15. Although, again — some of these couples are clearly not ~getting it on~.
16. No matter your budget, the only option is to renovate a fixer-upper.
17. No matter your budget, there is a 0% chance that it will cover everything you hope to do.
18. Computerized renderings of interior design are way more exciting than they should be.
19. Carpet is the devil.
20. Hardwood floors are an angel sent from heaven to rectify our sins.
21. Tile floors are kind of in between, like the purgatory of flooring options.
22. The only word that can be used to describe floors is “flowing,” as in “Let’s install some beautiful hardwoods flowing throughout the open-concept first floor.”
23. Any time there is more than one person working on something at once, there will be heavy sexual tension between those people.
24. Literally, no matter who the people are, it will be there.
25. To specify: Love It or List It is actually not a show about home renovation, but is the slowly developing tale of the greatest love story of all between Hilary and David.
26. And you know what, Hilary and lead contractor Eddie have some chemistry going on as well.
27. No one in the world is able to monitor their children successfully without an open-concept floor plan.
28. For real, before the idea of the open concept took hold, 99% of children died due to their parents being unable to care for them properly.
29. Knob and tube electrical wiring is the worst atrocity that has ever occurred.
30. Structural changes are actually wicked expensive.
31. And apparently no one has ever built a home up to code unless the process was televised.
32. Essentially, your home is probably a death trap just waiting for you to fall prey to its merciless, murderous ways.
33. YOUR PLUMBING CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
34. If you don’t have a patio outside, it is impossible to enjoy your backyard.
35. Only men are able to mow the lawn. It’s just science.
36. Only women have enough clothing to fill an entire closet. Again, science.
37. If a home doesn’t have an entire room to do laundry in, you might as well just smear mud on all of your clothing and wear it like that.
38. And having laundry in the basement is perhaps worse than having no laundry room at all.
39. Unfinished basements are where the ghosts live, you know?
40. Every single person in the world needs a home office.
41. And also a guest bedroom.
42. But those two rooms may NEVER be one and the same.
43. The wooden framing that’s used to create walls is sometimes blue, and that’s actually pretty damn cool.
44. That foam insulation that you spray on seems like it would make a fun toy.
45. You have a previously undiscovered desire to take a sledgehammer and just pound it against whatever surfaces you can find.
46. You have a previously undiscovered desire to simply watch the Property Brothers take a sledgehammer to whatever surfaces they can find.
47. No one likes both Property Brothers equally. Even their parents definitely have a favorite.
48. At least once during every home renovation, one of the homeowners must express dismay over the designer’s choice of wall color.
49. Because, as we all know, wall color is an irreversible decision.
50. Children are able to vanish into thin air during the entire renovation period and then return once the renovation is over.
51. And no one will question where the children have been this entire time.
52. You physically can’t watch a home renovation show without spending the entire time planning out your own imaginary reno that will likely never happen.
53. No matter how annoying they can get, you’ll never be able to stop watching home renovation TV.

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Once Again, Critics Prove…

…that they don’t know shit.

Jupiter Ascending is a marvelous, visually stunning film. Yeah, there were a few plot holes, but it was by no means the hot mess that reviewers have been painting it to be. If anything, it could’ve used a bit more character development in the first act, but other than that I found it wholly original, fun, and—unlike the majority of critics—I had no trouble following along with the storyline.

And speaking of visually stunning, it also didn’t hurt that Channing Tatum was half-naked for a quarter of the film…

Just sayin’.

I give it 9 out of 10 and one I’ll probably add to my library once it’s available on BluRay

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Quote of the Day

“We see a connection to the world around us… Ham sees only sin. Turns out you can learn a lot when your library consists of more than just a single book.” ~ Hemant Mehta, The Friendly Atheist, in response to Ken Ham of the Creationist Museum blowing a gasket over Carnival Cruise Lines embracing evolution in their Super Bowl ad.

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I Weep for Our Nation

To be filed under:

From iO9:

A fourth grader named Aiden Steward was suspended Friday after school officials determined he had threatened to use his magic ring to make another boy disappear.

Here are the particulars, from The Odessa American:

His father, Jason Steward, said the family had been to see “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies” last weekend. His son brought a ring to his class at Kermit Elementary School and told another boy his magic ring could make the boy disappear.

Steward said the principal said threats to another child’s safety would not be tolerated – whether magical or not. Principal Roxanne Greer declined to comment on the matter.

“All student stuff is confidential,” Greer said. She referred a call from the Odessa American to Kermit ISD Superintendent Bill Boyd, who did not return a phone call.

And we wonder why we’re the laughingstock of the rest of the world…

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Going Home

After much discussion, Ben and I have decided to move back to Phoenix later this year.

We had originally planned on staying in Denver another two years (to pad his retirement account a bit more to use for a down payment on a condo when we moved back to Phoenix), but for many reasons the Universe seems to be telling us to go sooner rather than later.

I can’t say I’m at all upset by this decision. It’s no secret that I have been—to put it mildly—dissatisfied—with my employment situation since arriving in Denver, and both us are done with the cold weather, the snow, the ice, and the level of abject stupidity we seem to encounter at every turn on a daily basis in this city. When we were back in Phoenix for our belated wedding reception last September I think it was painfully obvious to both of us how much we missed it. As I Instagrammed at the time:

We always viewed moving to Denver as an adventure, but we’ve had our fill of adventure and it’s time to go home.

 

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I Am Incorrigible

This guy reminded me so much of a boy I dated shortly after I moved to San Francisco in 1987, I couldn’t help but snap a dozen or so photos of him. Sadly, Kevin is no longer with us; a victim of the horrible early 90s when the plague seemed to be ripping people from our lives on a daily basis, but seeing this guy brought back so many good memories I can’t help smiling.

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Gigapixels of Andromeda

On January 5, NASA released an image of the Andromeda galaxy, our closest galactic neighbour, captured by the NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope. The full image is made up of 411 Hubble images, takes you through a 100 million stars and travels over more than 40,000 light years. Well, a section of it anyway.

Prepare to feel extremely tiny and insignificant (or just the opposite!) as you marvel at this fly-through video created by YouTuber daveachuk and make sure you stick around till the end. Seriously.

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