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holy shit! MAGA melts down over ‘woke Marxist pope’

From Jeff Tiedrich:

boo fucking hoo, crybabies

the College of Cardinals must have been conclaving the shit out of their search for a new pope, ’cause it only took those honchos two days find their boy.

meet Robert Prevost. he’s an American, born in Chicago. he roots for the White Sox. he’s 69 years old, and he’ll be popin’ up a storm as Leo XIV.

oh wait, I almost left out the best part: he’s a WOKE MARXIST POPE.

it only took about five minutes for someone to find the new pope’s not-twitter feed — and MAGA is throwing a shit-fit because it turns out that Robert Prevost/Leo XIV is their worst nightmare: a religious leader who actually follows the teachings of Jesus.

“According to his X/Twitter feed (@drprevost), the newly selected pope trashed Trump, trashed Vance, trashed border enforcement, endorsed DREAMer-style illegal immigration, repeatedly praised and honored George Floyd, and endorsed a Democrat senator’s call for more gun control.”

the horror.

pour one out for the internet oddity who calls himself Catturd. he’s going through some things right now.

too bad, so sad.

here’s Donny Convict’s side-piece Laura Loopy, back with another hot take.

the diaper-fillers are not entirely wrong — the current top-most thing on Robert/Leo’s not-twitter feed is a retweet taking Donny Convict to task for disappearing Venezuelan migrants off the streets and fuckity-byeing them into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag.

furniture molester/eyeliner model JD Vance now has the distinction of being called out for shithead behavior by two consecutive popes — which I believe is a world record.

hey, did you know that the selection of Robert Prevost was a calculated move by Big Catholic to install a globalist, woke Pope from the West ON PURPOSE?

it must be true, I read it on the internet.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, SHEEPLE.

I hope Robert/Leo was selected “on purpose.” how awesome would it be if he was a deliberate thumb-in-the-eye to Donny Convict — for being an all-around fuckwit antichrist, and also for posting all those stupid ‘look at me, I’m the pope’ memes.

MAGA didn’t sign up for any of this shit. they don’t want some commie rat bastard doling out woke-ass twaddle about compassion and human rights. they want a pope who follows the teachings of Republican Jesus — the dude who kept the fish and the loaf for himself, and told the needy to go fuck themselves.

here’s Pope Leo’s worst sin: he called Jesus the m-word.

you gotta love all the newly-minted theologians who jumped into the new pope’s mentions to popesplain Jesus to him.

make that theologians, historians and anthropoligists — because MAGA knows more about popery than all the popes.

calm the fuck down and get over yourselves, crybabies. listen, I’m playing Ava Maria for you on the world’s tiniest violin.

by the way, if any of you out there are tempted to post something like “does the new pope still have that new-pope smell,” please don’t. it’s a terrible, obvious joke. it’s the worst kind of low-hanging fruit — and I already did it, twelve years ago.

the selection of Pope Leo knocked the day’s other big story right out of the news. that’s actually a good thing, because it was a total nothingburger.

yesterday, Donny — desperate for a trade war victory to crow about — announced his first trade deal, with the UK.

it was indeed great news — except for the part where the US and the UK absolutely did not have a trade deal in place. what they had was an agreement to have a framework of a concept with which they would begin the negotiation process.

in other words, the announcement was a ginormous fucking bowl of hocus-pocus — but that didn’t stop the worthless scribblers of the corporate-controlled media from hitting the ground running with misleading headlines.

there are really only three things you need to know about yesterday’s dog-and-pony show.

first, apparently every Oval Office event now has to begin with the Ritual Praising of Dear Leader.

Granny-Starvin’ Howard Lutnick: “I want to make this clear. this was the president’s deal. people think, ‘oh, that’s not the way it works.’ if you got to sit next to him — I have the best dealmaker to my left. and if you don’t think that we take advantage of him calling the prime minister and getting that deal done, you don’t understand who’s the president. he’s the closer. he gets deals done that we could never get done, because he understands business, he understands deals. and that’s why we’re here today.”

where did I leave my barf bag?

second, slowdowns, layoffs and empty shelves are a good thing.

reporter: “but we’re seeing as a result that ports here in the US, the traffic has really slowed and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs.”

Donny: “that means we lose less money … when you say it slowed down, that’s a good thing, not a bad thing.”

and lastly, Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants evidently thinks toy-maker Mattel is a country — or some guy. or something.

“Mattel, I don’t know, I’m not sure. they also said— they’re the only country I’ve heard, they said, ‘well, we’re going to go counter. we’re going to try to go someplace else.’ that’s ok. let them go, and we’ll put a hundred percent tariff on his toys, and he won’t sell one toy in the United States.”

that’s right, America: YOU ONLY GET TWO DOLLS, AND NEITHER WILL BE A BARBIE.

here’s the other batshit thing that happened yesterday: Donny nominated America’s Tipsiest Fake TV Judge to be his Interim US Attorney in DC.

I can’t fucking even with these clowns.

Judge Box-Wine, it should be noted, is the 23rd Fox bobblehead to land a job in Donny’s administration.

today, let’s go out with a song. for no particular reason, here’s Tom Lehrer doing the Vatican Rag.

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The Shoe Is On The Other Foot

I don’t know whether to be flattered or angry.

While I have “Ask Websites Not To Track” checked off on my WordPress configuration, every now and then I do a cursory Google search for “Voenix Rising” to make sure that they aren’t.

Imagine my surprise today however, when that search produced this:

I read the first few pages. I could not believe what I was seeing.

(click to embiggen)

The entire first chapter of this book was lifted, verbatim, from this post, dated 25 January 2020. (The book wasn’t published until just this year.)

My curiosity piqued, I dropped $10 for the Kindle edition, to see just how much of my work had been plagiarized.

It was apparently only that first chapter that was ripped off.  The story then goes off on its own, and after the author sloppily changed Rory’s sex (not via a sex change, just sloppy writing), I couldn’t be bothered to read any more. In fact, what I did read sounded like little more than a ChatGPT-generated romance novel.

I’ve looked online into what’s involved with getting a Take Down notice, and it would appear that all the internet-based services are nothing more than scams. You pay the service $200, they send a letter, and if it’s ignored, you’re out $200 since the service has no enforcement capability. Hire a lawyer? That will undoubtedly cost more than it’s worth, but if this “author” (who obviously reads this blog) continues to steal my work I will not hesitate.

 

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Fuck Trump

I also believe—because he is a sociopathic narcissist—that he does this shit simply to remain in the news cycle and keep people talking about him 24/7.

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Fuckwit Preznit Has No Idea If He’s Supposed To Uphold The Constitution

From Jeff Tiedrich:

scenes from a crazypants interview

imagine a United States president so callous that he tells America’s struggling small businesses to piss straight up a rope. imagine a president so out of touch that he tells Americans they’re greedy shitwads for wanting things.

now imagine a president so fucking ignorant that he has no clue if he’s supposed to uphold the Constitution or not.

actually, you don’t have to imagine any of that shit — because yesterday, Donny Convict sat down with NBC News’ Kristen Welker and actually blithered all those things.

here’s a fun passage from the Oath of Office that every incoming president swears to uphold. keep it in your mind, because there’s going to be a quiz later on.

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

got that? okay, here we go. now tell me if you think this is the most totally unhinged thing you’ve ever heard a president say.

 

Kristen Welker: “your secretary of state says everyone who’s here, citizens and non-citizens, deserve due process. do you agree?”

Donny: “I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer. I don’t know.”

Welker: “don’t you need to uphold the Constitution as president?”

Donny: “I don’t know.”

oh. my. god. — he. doesn’t. know.

folks, what did we just read in the Oath of Office, the one that Donny has now mumbled his way through twice?

SPOILER ALERT: YES YOUR LITERAL FUCKING JOB IS TO UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION, IT’S RIGHT THERE IN THE OATH OF OFFICE YOU’VE TAKEN TWICE NOW. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. IT’S LIKE TALKING TO A FUCKING WALL.

now here’s me, typing out that not-tweet.

magine if Joe Biden had said he “didn’t know” if he was supposed to uphold the Constitution. the entire Wingnut Outrage-Industrial Complex would have begun howling in unison about how Sleepy Joe had finally lost all his marbles and was unfit for office. MAGA would have rioted in the streets. Hannity would have shit hot roofing nails on live TV.

but Dear Leader professes blissful ignorance about his primary duty as president, and all we hear from Republicans is deafening sounds of crickets.

because it’s a cult.

now here’s the guy who shits into a golden toilet, taking you to task for wanting too many things.

Welker: “you were at your cabinet meeting, and you said — I’m going to quote you — ‘maybe the children will have two dolls instead of thirty dolls. and maybe the two dolls will cost a couple of bucks more than they would normally.’ are you saying that your tariffs will cause some prices to go up?”

Donny: “no, I think tariffs are going to be great for us, because it’s gonna make us rich.”

Welker: “but you said some dolls are going to cost more, isn’t that an acknowledgement that some prices will go up?”

Donny: “I don’t think a beautiful baby girl that’s eleven years old needs to have 30 dolls. I think they can have three dolls or four dolls … they don’t need to have 250 pencils. they can have five.”

ok, so the “beautiful baby girls” only get three or four dolls now — but what about the baby girls who aren’t beautiful? can we let the heinous ones grab a few extra dolls, as, y’know, sort of a consolation prize?

three or four dolls, and five pencils. in just four months we’ve gone from the world’s greatest economy to forced rationing, with Dear Leader making kingly pronouncements as to who deserves how much of what.

hey, how many shithole golf motels does each American get to own? because I’m thinking more than one is too many.

let’s take a wander down memory lane.

in 1977, a sweater-clad Jimmy Carter went on TV, and asked Americans to turn their thermostats down a couple of degrees — and the entire country lost its mind.

how dare this fuckface peanut farmer tell us that we can’t have everything? it’s our God-given right as Amurricans to consume as much as we want.

right now, there are MAGA morons who have rigged their trucks to belch out as much soot and thick grey exhaust fumes as possible. they call it “rolling coal.” why do they do this? because fuck you, that’s why. nobody tells MAGA to conserve.

but mark my words: at the next family cookout, your drunk uncle — the one whose TV is permanently tuned to Fox News — is going to corner you, and tell you that your kid has too many pencils.

because it’s a fucking cult.

meanwhile, while you’re making do with your government-approved two dolls and five pencils, Donny’s planning to take forty-five million dollars and flush it straight down the shitter.

he’s spending it on a gaudy emotional support parade for his birthday — just like the kind they have in North Korea.

because America is now a third-world autocracy led by a fragile pit of need.

hey, instead of a parade, how about this draft-dodging coward lay wreaths on the graves of the five soldiers who took his place in Vietnam, and maybe mutter a few words of thanks to the quack doctor who ginned up that bullshit note about imaginary bone spurs that allowed Donny to get those five deferments. it’d be a lot cheaper, and we’ll even let him do a fucked-up graveside thumbs up.

Donny has a message for America’s small businesses, and that message is go fuck yourselves.

Welker: “are you considering tariff relief for small businesses?”

Donny: “why do you always mention that, you know — you pick up couple of little businesses. what about the car business? they’re going to make a fortune.”

yeah, commie. what about the giant corporations? what about the plutocrats?

I guarantee that right now, some MAGA dipshit with a persistent cough is driving a crappy car on crumbling roads past abandoned storefronts to a low-paying job and pumping his fist and going “hell yeah!” as he listens to some dime-store Rush Limbaugh knockoff explain that billionaires have been getting a raw deal in America, and Dear Leader is going to fix that.

because — say it with me — it’s a fucking cult.

I’m so old, I remember a woman who campaigned on the promise to help Americans start their own small businesses.

whatever happened to her? all I can recall is that she had a funny laugh and couldn’t prove she worked at McDonald’s, so I guess America was right to kick her to the curb.

the stupid. it just fucking burns.

Welker: “when does it become the Trump economy?”

Donny: “it partially is right now, and I really mean this. I think the good parts are the Trump economy and the bad parts are the Biden economy.”

I don’t know how Kristen Welker kept herself from blurting ‘what the fuck is wrong with you,’ throwing her notes to the floor, and walking out.

and finally, last night, aboard Fuckface Force One, on his way back from Motel-a-Lago, Donny held a press gaggle.

“all costs are down. everything is down, other than the uh thing you carry the babies around in.”

that thing you carry the babies around in — you know. that thing. what the fuck is it called? a shover? a pushinator?

could someone please get Sundowning Grandpa Befuddlepants a pudding cup, and help him to bed?

oh yeah, this fucking country is in great hands.

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The Week In Stupid

Courtesy Jeff Tiedrich:

Tuberville aces it, Nancy maces it, and so much more…

as another stupid week comes to a close here in America, let’s look back at the dumbest fucking shit that happened.

monday: Tommy can you hear me?

failed coach Tommy Tuberville is a cautionary tale for why you should never play football without a helmet. let’s listen in as Terminally-Concussed Tommy speaks out in support of embattled Secretary of Defense Little Petey Drunkdial.

“Let’s be clear, Pete is not the problem. A lot of the media think Pete Hegseth’s a problem. he’s not the problem. he’s the solution to the problem we’ve had.”

sorry, what problem is Secretary of Defense Kegstand solving?

were there not enough piss-drunk embarrassments in the Pentagon?

was there some deficit of washed-out Fox News chat show hosts among the ranks of the military? too few reporters being texted war plans? not enough civilian spouses sitting in on classified meetings?

I’ll give Plastered Pete credit, he absolutely fucking nails all those problems.

tuesday: all hail the glorious accomplishments of … um

this week marked the hundredth day of Mad King Donny’s second reign, and Fox News was in a quandary: how do we put a positive spin on this dog’s breakfast of complete fucking calamity?

they couldn’t go with “Dear Leader shit on the Constitution and disappeared legal immigrants into a Salvadoran slave-labor gulag and also ‘deported’ a child with cancer who happens to be a US citizen, and oh hey, next week all the shelves in your supermarket are going to be empty because of the trade war” — because that shitfuckery is wildly unpopular, even with the Fox News crowd.

so what did Fox end up running with? this:

— declassified the JFK files
— ended federal support for paper straws
— ended production of the penny

oh man, that is … pathetic.

Fox left out renamed the ‘Gulf of Mexico’ to ‘Gulf of America’ — but maybe even that’s too embarrassing to list.

better luck next reign, bro. meanwhile, here’s Homer Simpson to play us out with some very sad trombone.

whomp-whomp.

wednesday: ai yi yi

oh look, the christofascist computer jockeys have been churning out more AI slop portraying their vision of the perfect American future. check out this nightmare fuel.

this abomination ticks all the boxes.

— a message up top instructing men to be productive, and women to be subservient.
— a white, impossibly blond couple sporting 1950s hairstyles and clothing.
— the missus is cradling her pregnant belly
— in the background is mid-20th-century suburban house.
— and there’s a smiling black man who is super fucking pumped to be doing menial tasks for whitey.

wait, what the fuck? what was that last one?

it’s the same old racist nonsense we’ve been hearing for decades. ‘black folks were a lot happier when they knew their place. they just love being subservient to their betters.’

let’s recall what that Duck Dynasty schmuck said back in 2013:

“They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: these doggone white people’—pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.”

that’s some Gone-With-the-Wind-level revisionist bullshit — only now it’s been updated for the 21st century, thanks to malignant assholes with access to AI.

seriously — they’re not even hiding it. check out this lunacy.

utter nonsense.

besides — everyone knows that the best-manicured lawns are mowed by a small boy being yelled at by a confused old man.

thursday: her pronouns are ‘stupid’ and ‘fucking idiot’

oh look, the Scarlet Moron has been flapping her ignorant gums for airtime again.

Nancy Mace: “it’s happening everywhere. first, it was the University of South Carolina with thirteen genders on a dorm application, and then I come to find out a few weeks later I was wrong. Clemson had fifteen genders — and none of the fifteen genders on their form had male or female. they had something like cisgender male, cisgender female — and I don’t even know what that means. that’s not science.”

“that’s not science.” what the fuck does this caterwauling ninny know about science? here’s a fun fact: even Google’s janky AI is smarter than Nancy Mace. here’s what it says about gender identity.

“There is no single definitive list of 15 genders. The concept of gender is fluid and diverse, encompassing a wide spectrum of identities. While some organizations and individuals may list specific genders, it’s important to recognize that people may identify with multiple genders or gender identities that don’t fit neatly into pre-defined categories.”

how about that? a fucking computer program has more empathy than the entirety of the Republican Party.

I’m afraid you’re a fucking idiot, Nancy

I did a find a set of fifteen gender identities by once again using the Big Google Machine:

Agender, Androgyne, Bigender, Cisgender, Genderfluid, Gender-nonconforming, Genderqueer, Intergender, Intersex, Omnigender, Non-binary, Questioning, Transgender, Transsexual, Two-spirit

so, is Clemson using this exact list on its dorm application, or is Nancy Mace just cynically creating a manufactroversy? I don’t know, and who fucking cares if Clemson does? it’s nobody’s business.

what I do know is that Nancy Mace is a broken-inside fuckwit with an unceasing need for attention that can only be described as pathological.

Nancy needs you to know that there are two very big reasons to look at her right now.
hey, here’s a cool quote. see if you can guess who said it.

“I strongly support LGBTQ rights and equality. No one should be discriminated against.”

“I have friends and family that identify as LGBTQ. Understanding how they feel and how they’ve been treated is important. Having been around gay, lesbian, and transgender people has informed my opinion over my lifetime.”

that was Nancy Fucking Mace, back in 2021 — right after she’d been elected to the House by running on a platform of inclusivity.

but all that silly shit about tolerance has been swept under the rug — because Nancy discovered that she could get a lot more face-time on Newsmax by transitioning into a hateful asshole.

friday: from the mouths of babes

hey, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline — why did you run for office?

“what got me involved was I was out on a prayer run one day. I was praying for my students, for our church, and about that time, I heard the sound of a baby crying. I took out my headphones, I look around — I was in the desert, we lived in California at the time, and now we’re back in God’s country, in Texas — I looked around and I couldn’t find anything. so I kept jogging. about a mile later I heard the same baby crying — and all of a sudden the holy spirit spoke to my heart, and said ‘that’s the sound of the unborn that are going to die if you don’t run for office and protect the unborn.’”

seriously, bro? that’s what we’re going with?

listen — I hear a baby crying, too. it’s the Baby Jesus. I’m on the phone with the Baby Jesus right now, and he’s telling me you’re full of shit, and your fever-swamp fairy tale never happened.

oh, and you know what else the Baby Jesus is saying? that you need to stop being a reckless shitweasel and get your children vaccinated already.

that’s right, Nate lives right in the heart of Measles Alley, and he hasn’t vaccinated any of his spawn — because fuck you, science.

The next day, Texas State Rep. Nate Schatzline posted his own video, adding that his children attend Mercy Culture.

“I’ve gotten word that my children’s school has been ranked the #1 most unvaccinated school in Texas & I’m upset…that we haven’t celebrated sooner!” Schatzline wrote in the accompanying text.

maybe stop hallucinating about the ‘unborn’ and start doing something for the actually born.

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