Month: November 2012

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Dear Red States…

Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving. We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America

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Disgusting

I've been a very bad boy.

I don't remember the last time Anderson's air filter was changed. Probably at Service I (30K miles). I've now got more than twice that on the odometer.

Now that I know how ridiculously easy (and inexpensive) it is to change on my own, I'll be setting up a six-month reminder on my calendar to swap it out.

And the cabin air filter?  Even worse. I knew it was overdue for replacement prior to our relocation to Denver, but I kept putting it off, and putting it off, and…

Ugh. I can't believe we've been breathing through this.  Again, ridiculously easy to change. I should've done it a year two years ago.

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Quote of the Day

"We shouldn't even need the word atheism. If people didn't invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn't have to deny them." ~ Ricky Gervais

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Quote of the Day

"There is, of course, no reason to take these secession petitions at all seriously. There is probably a fourteen-syllable German word that precisely captures the combination of juvenile whining, sour grapes and goofy anti-government fervor that drove an infinitesimal number of Americans to submit and support these petitions, but the word that the kids in America use to describe this is "butthurt." ~ Jason Linkins, writing at The Huffington Post

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10—No, 11—Things Facebook Has Taught Us

1. Punctuation. is. a… lost cause.

2. People who use the word "FIRST!" to comment are rarely over the age of 15.

3. Lose and Loose now mean the same thing.

4. Spelling is a loost cause.

5. Their, There, and They're are now all interchangeable as well.

6. Trolls usually have pseudonyms.

7. Some people think "Wat" is a word.

8. People think other people really want to see pictures of what they're eating.

9. I can't believe you're still reading this.

10. People like to click "like."

11. People are fucking stupid, and the human race is doomed. Think Idiocracy, but much worse.

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Quote of the Day

"When you rape children, cover it, rape them again, cover it up, rape them again, finally get caught, still cover it up, apologize, recant your apology, then blame the victim, you have zero moral authority to lecture others about their supposed sins." – John Aravosis at AMERICAblog, writing about the Catholic Church's most current bit of pearl-clutching over marriage equality.

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Under-appreciated

The other night I was watching a documentary about the life and times of Sir Elton John, and as they were reeling off all his albums, I noticed that they completely skipped over one of my personal favorites, his eleventh studio release, Blue Moves.

Even at the time it came out, the two-disk Blue Moves was considered a bit of an anomaly, and as I recall the critics were unerwhelmed. It was Elton's first release on his own label (Rocket Records) and contained many strictly instrumental cuts, which was unusual for EJ. It also wasn't the "classic" Elton John sound we'd all come to know and love, but it in retrospect—having begun with Rock of the Westies—it was the sound he was moving toward.

It garnered one hit single: Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.

I personally consider it one of his best, and most under-appreciated albums.

My favorite high-energy cuts are Crazy Water (I love to crank this one in the car), One Horse Town, Boogie Pilgrim,  and Bite Your Lip (Get Up and Dance). Elton is quite soulful on Someone's Final Song and If There's a God In Heaven (What's He Waiting For?). Elton's fun, indomitable story telling talent is highlighted in Shoulder Holster.

But you know what the strongest memory this album invokes? The time I had recorded it onto one of those notorious 120-minute cassettes that should never have been used for anything, and the cassette player in truck ate it while I was out running around one afternoon with my friend Steve.

Here are a couple photos from that afternoon…

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Excuses

Via Salon:

Here are just a few of the excuses why, according to the GOP, Lord Mittens will not be the next President of the United States:

1.  Someone forgot to block off the wheelchair ramps in Ohio.

2.  It's not Mitt Romney's fault that racism just isn't as fashionable as it used to be. What's next? Petticoats? Butter churns? Blood-letting?

3.  No one could have anticipated that single mothers (the ones whose children Mitt blames for all the gun violence in this country) owned shoes with such good arch support they could wait in line for nine hours to vote.

4.  The public insisted on thinking of the trans-vaginal probe as the 10-inch shaming wand instead of the Romney-and-Ryan-approved euphemism, God's pointer finger.

5.  The elimination of the swimsuit portion of the debates! Paul Ryan in a silver banana hammock versus Joe Biden in a pair of old Birdwells? Ryan was a lock!

6.  America's failure to cotton to the GOP vice presidential candidate due to naked pictures of "Randy Ryan" pretending to make sweet sweet love to Ayn Rand's corpse.

7. Mitt Romney's Axis of Evil: Children, Minorities and Muppets.

8. Romney's refusal to appear on Nickelodeon's long-running "Kids Pick the President" special; his demand to see Latina cartoon superstar Dora the Explorer's papers — and the subsequent illegal search of her backpack on suspicion of possession–were blown way out of proportion. Como se dice self-deportation en Español?

9. Romney's threat to "end" the PBS family, "fire" Big Bird (the don of Sesame Street) and turn out one-time Log Cabin Republicans and domestic partners Bert and Ernie was read as disrespect, when it was just a Mitts-understanding. (He's lucky he's still got legs.)

10. The unladylike behavior and sack-shrinking smarts of female debate commentators Candy Crawley and Martha Raddatz. On the spot fact checking! Insisting on the truth! Didn't they watch Jim Lehrer? Who gave women the vote?

11.  The discovery of Karl "Poppin Fresh" Rove, Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter's "Be Nice to the Retard" sex tape.

12. Canon. Or whichever company made the sweet little camcorder that filmed the fundraiser where Lord Mittens made his 47% speech.

13.  The feline stars of YouTube. Henri the Existential Cat, Maru the Magnificent, and Tard née Grumpy Cat repeatedly drew attention away from the Romney campaign.

14. The moon. Thanks to some freak astronomical whammy, the menstrual cycles of all the young unmarried women in America synched, and the rush of hormones caused them to vote overwhelmingly for Barack Obama.

15. The Romney/Ryan "Rape is one more means of conception" and "Honk if you're a Rape Baby!" bumper stickers were even creepier than "Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."

16.  The fact that Romney's religion strictly forbids caffeine, alcohol and cigarettes, spurred rumors that he's hooked on endangered Panda jerky and gets goofy snorting torn up food stamps. Oh, and that "special underwear" is Mormon for diaper.

17. The expectation that after pandering to Latino voters by appearing in brown-face for an interview on Univison, that Romney wouldn't appeal to the League of Women Voters by appearing in full drag (or even show a little cleavage) was a disappointment. Although he did rock some Mom jeans.