Month: September 2021

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Something to Offend Everyone

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources—they're very good sources—that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

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SHUT IT DOWN.

It keeps happening. I wonder why?

https://twitter.com/Tengrain/status/1434680045696532486?s=20

If you need to keep in touch with Grandma, pick up a goddamned phone and call her.

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Once You've Destroyed the Rose Garden, What is Left?

I mean, really…

From Mock Paper Scissors:

As it is Labor Day (and the news is light), we turn our attention to a local labor problem: Mel does not want to return to the White House:

Former first lady Melania Trump is reportedly telling friends that she doesn't want to return to the White House ― and that if her husband, Donald Trump, plans to run again, he'll have to do it without her help.

We don't know the terms of her contract with the Donald or what labor union represents her, but we do know that her insurance policy, er, son Baron is 15 so only a few more years before she can officially exercise her options and dump the chump with full retirement benefits.

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Can We Take a Moment

…to appreciate how fucking sexy Rip Torn was in the film, The Man Who Fell to Earth? I mean seriously.

Maybe it's because I came into my gay self during this period.

Anyway, I'd only seen this film once, when it actually came out in 1976. I remember being incredibly disappointed—not to mention confused—when I walked out of the theater. I happened across it on HBO+ the other night, and thought I'd give it another chance; just to see how it's aged over the past 44 years.

Let's just say I came away from it just as confused as I was when I was 18. I had a brief discussion with a friend afterward, and he indicated that the European cut actually does make more sense of the story than what was presented to the prudish American audience.