Month: July 2022

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Saturday Jokes

Teacher: Give me a sentence about a public servant.
Small Boy: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.
Teacher: Do you know what pregnant means?
Small Boy: Sure, it means carrying a child.

I bought a can of fly spray and sprayed it all over me.
I still can't fly.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?
Iron man stops the bad guys. Aluminum man just foils their plans.

I'm known as "the computer".
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Stop thinking that because you have a college degree, it makes you smart.
I know a lot of people that have a driver's license and can't drive.

When you have more than one kid, it's important to take them out separately for ice cream sometimes.
They get important one on one time, and you get more ice cream.

Women, stop telling strong women they have balls. You know what balls do? They shrivel up when it's cold. And they make men cry when they get kicked. Strong women have ovaries. Ovaries are so tough they kick us once a month just to show us who's in charge.

Patient: Remember how I used to beat you up and call you a science nerd in high school? Ironic, huh?
Doctor: And you may experience further irony during your colonoscopy tomorrow.

Him: If a beautiful woman disagrees with me, I will immediately change my views. I have no priciples.
Her: Well maybe you should have principles.
Him: You're right, maybe I should.

Idolizing a politician is like believing the stripper really likes you.

My 14 year old daughter just screamed FUCK and slammed her door after she learned she'll be menstruating every month or so for the next 30-40 years. I can't blame her.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was full of parsley.
Somebody garnished my wages.

If Mary gave birth to Jesus,
and Jesus is the lamb of god,
then Mary had a little lamb.

Bologna is just hot dog pancakes.

How is it that cavemen survived the asteroid but the dinosaurs didn't?
Social distancing. They stayed 65 million years apart.

The key to happiness is low expectations…
Lower…
Nope, even lower…
There you go!

Picture of sad grade school kid…
When it's career day at school but your dad's a cop and refuses to enter the building.

Sex over 50 can be exciting. You never know if it's an orgasm, a stroke, or just a cramp.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

Her: I'm leaving you!
Him: Is it because I act like I know everything?
Her: Yes!
Him: I knew it!

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

1980 was twenty years ago. Right? Right?!

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

The Lady in the commercial for life alert said she fell. Laid there for eight hours until her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help?

My granddaughter had been eating a purple popsicle when she told a whopper. I told her that when you lie your tongue turns purple and it doesn't always go away. When she checked out her tongue you should have heard the howling!

ATM MACHINE. What does the M stand for in ATM?

"We're looking for a drug dealer," said the police officer, "and you fit the description we've been given."
I said, "That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?"

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.

Not enough people mention Jesus' biggest miracle…
Having 12 close friends after 30!

The Beastie Boys have released a 5 part documentary! Parts A through D are freely available to download, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help you?', says the man, 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner.'
'I know you haven't, replies the piano tuner, 'Your neighbors did.'

A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.
"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"
"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"
The Angel smiled.
"Who mentioned women?"

What is worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles!

A policeman came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs."
I said, "I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

The difference between a divorce and a circumcision? That's easy! With a divorce, you get rid of the whole dick!

Guy walks out of the restroom Girl says, "sir your garage door is open." Guy asks, "Did you see my Harley"? Girl says, "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat tires".

[Source]

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I Sometimes Really Miss Living in the Bay Area

From Diary of a Fat Slob:

…In the late afternoon, there was BS from a different direction. Four Jesus freaks started working the pedestrians at my corner, sharing their tall tales of what wretched sinners they'd been before Jesus H Christ made them such swell people. They didn't just stand at the corner, they wandered around, preaching at people near the corner, which included me. One of them leaned over my table to complain about the sacrilegious fish, and added that Jesus loves me anyway.

"I love Him too," I said. "Why, I've been a Christian for twenty years, and I teach Sunday School at the Nazarene Church two blocks thataway." A 24-carat lie, of course, but it was the best line I could think of to bluff his bluster, and it seemed to work. He looked at the JR 'Bob' Dobbs fish I was wearing on my hat, couldn't reconcile it with what I'd just told him, and walked away confused, to bother other people instead.

The four of them took turns standing on a milk crate, preaching to the heathens of downtown Berkeley, but we heathens weren't very interested, and I don't think they made any sales or conversions.

There was a great moment that started when a panhandler in rags flashed them the Satan sign (index and pinky fingers up, which I wouldn't have known if Sarah-Katherine hadn't shown me (and thank you, dear)). The Christians saw the sign of Satan, were greatly offended, and one of them started screaming at the panhandler, so he stood on a very sturdy trash can and started counter-preaching their preaching.

"The Bible is full of lies," he hollered, "and Christians have killed more people than Hitler." Probably true, though I haven't seen the stats.

One of the Christians started screaming at the homeless guy, "You don't deserve His love, but God loves you!"

And this shaggy, skinny, bearded man — in sandals, yet — screamed right back, "Don't listen to them! They're Christians, and Christians are fools!"

"Oh yeah, listen to a homeless wino instead," one of the Christians screamed back.

The wino hoisted his paper-bag-wrapped bottle above his head and whooped, "At least this is something real! Maybe I worship a bottle but you fuckers worship thin air!"

"We worship the one true God!" one or two of them shouted back.

"I'll drink to that," said the bum, and he did.

"He'll drink to that," said one of the Jesus Freaks derisively, and another said, "The only thing you believe in is that bottle!"

The bum lowered the bottle, looked at it lovingly, shook his head and said, "Praise the Lord."

All this quickly devolved into so many shouts — "Worship the whiskey" and "May God forgive you" and "He'll forgive me as he's licking my ass" — I couldn't take notes quickly enough. Four street preachers against one unbelieving bum, and after a few minutes the bum mellowed and went back to panhandling. Gotta make a living.

"I'm going to Hell," he said, "so I'm gonna be thirsty. Spare change for a beer?"

The witch vendor next to me said something disparaging about the guy, so I gave him five bucks, a cookie from my lunch bag, and a pat on the back. He said thanks and vanished.

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Palate Cleanser

After spending several minutes in the pre-apocalyptic hellscape that is Twitter, I needed an inusion of pure, unbridled joy; hence this repost from last March.

This song is bringing me such unbridled joy; the likes of which I haven't felt in years. Tears streaming down my cheeks!

And here's the extended mix for those so inclined…