Month: September 2024

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Ooh! I Finally Got One!

(I've been wondering when one of these would show up in my email!)

Hello,

You are in big trouble. However, don't panic right away. Listen to me first, because  there is always a way out.

You are now on the radar of an international group of hackers,
and such things never end well for anyone. I'm sure you've heard of Anonymous. Well, compared to us, they are a bunch of schoolboys. We are a worldwide network of several thousand professionals, each with their own role.

Someone hacks corporate and government networks, someone
cooperates with intelligence agencies on the most delicate tasks,
and someone (including me) deals with people like you to maintain the infrastructure of our group. "What kind of people like me?" – that is the question you are probably asking yourself now.

The answer is simple: people who like to watch highly controversial and, shall we say,unconventional pornography on the internet that most normal people would consider perverted. But not you!

In order to leave you without any doubts, I'll explain how I found it out. Two months ago, my colleagues and I installed spyware software on your computer and then gained access to all of your devices, including your phone. It was easy – one of those many pop-ups on porn sites was our work.

I think you already understand that we would not write to an ordinary man who watches "vanilla" and even hardcore porn – there is nothing special about that. But the things you're watching are beyond good and evil. So after accessing your phone and computer cameras, we recorded you masturbating to extremely controversial videos. There is a close-up footage of you and a little square on the right with the videos you're pleasing yourself. However, as I said earlier, there is always a way out, because even the most degraded sinner deserves leniency. You are lucky today because I am not a sadist who enjoys other people's suffering. Only money matters to me.

Here is your salvation: you must transfer $1300 in Bitcoin to this BTC cryptocurrency wallet: bc1qyzt9nrwtas821237se4nfjq8jv

You have exactly 48 hours to make the payment, so think less, and  do more. As soon as I receive confirmation of the transaction, I will  delete all compromising content and permanently disable our computer worm. Believe me, I always abide by gentleman's agreements. Even with people who are hardly gentlemen. Because it's nothing personal, just business.

If I do not receive a payment, I will send all videos of you to every person in your contact list, messengers and email. Relatives, loved ones, colleagues, friends-everyone you've ever been in contact with will receive them. You understand perfectly well that you will never be able to wash this stain on your reputation. Everyone will remember you as sick as fuck. Your life will be completely ruined, and, most likely, only a tightened noose around your neck will be able to save the day.

If you haven't dealt with crypto before, I suppose it won't be difficult for you to figure it all out. Simply type in the "crypto exchange" into the search bar and pay with a credit card. Besides, based on your browser history, you are a savvy user. When you want to, you can dig into the darkest depths of the Internet, so I'm sure you will be able to find out what is what.

Here is what my colleagues and I should warn you against: …Do not reply to this email. Do you really think we are so stupid to be tracked by an email address? This is a temporary disposable email. As soon as I clicked "Send", it was gone for good. …Forget about law-enforcement authorities. As soon as I see that you are trying to contact them, the compromising material will be published. Remember, I have access to all your devices, and I can even track your movements. …Do not reset your devices to factory settings and do not try to get rid of your devices. It won't help in any way. Look above – my All-seeing eye is watching all your actions. It is easy to hunt you down.

I am sorry that we met in such circumstances. Probably, everything could be different if you had been more careful about what you are doing on the Internet. Watch yourself from now on, because even such things that you previously considered insignificant can destroy your life in the future like a butterfly effect. I hope this is goodbye forever. However, it depends on you.

There are so many things I'd love to respond with, but I won't because I don't need to confirm that these assholes have a working email address. But seriously…my response? Gurl, have you seen my blog?

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So My Boss Gave Notice…

…and I am not a happy camper.

I had foolishly thought I would just be able to coast through the next four months relatively unscathed until retirement, but NO!

Phil has been with our department for the last two years, acting as a buffer between the team and the clueless, out-of-touch, micro-managing middle manager who came on board post-COVID lockdown after our previous leader had given up dealing with her bullshit and attempted to move on.

My previous supervisor was outstanding. He understood the strengths and weaknesses of everyone under him and set expectations accordingly.  I would go so far as to say he was probably one of the best bosses I've had over the course of my questionable career.

But—being someone who stands up for himself and his team—he butted heads one too many times with Cuntula—as she's come to be known amongst ourselves—and had set in motion to transfer to another department. In anticipation of his departure, Phil was hired to take on the role.

Phil has accomplished a lot in the two years he's been here (he's actually been with the organization more than decade), and while his relationship has been anything but congenial with Cuntula, he did somehow build upon Derek's initial work in getting her to back off from attempting to directly manage us ("This is my team, not yours") and got her to dial-back the borderline psychotic need to control every aspect of what went on in the department. Unfortunately, a lot of that obsessive behavior was redirected onto Phil, and while I've known for some time that he's been stressed and unhappy in his decision to join our team, I didn't realize just how bad things were he was until he came up to me yesterday and just said, "I'm sorry."

First I thought I had done something wrong (god knows my attitude has been shit lately and I expect to get called out on it at any time), but when he realized the look on my face must've reflected that, he added, "I've given notice. My last day is the 30th."

On one hand, I'm happy for him. He's moving to a different department (not surprisingly, the one Derek attempted to transfer into) and it's technically a promotion. It's going to afford him the opportunity to work on things he'd only dreamed of being involved in, not to mention a big fat pay increase. On the other hand, after congratulating him, I looked at him and said, "Fuck you. Fuck you sideways in traffic!" He, of course, took that in the spirit in which it was given and apologized again.

What does this mean in the short term? Well, we're both hoping that Derek will volunteer to step back into the role. If not, Chris (my colleague) and I will be directly reporting to the bitch until Phil's replacement is hired.

Since they still haven't hired a replacement for my colleague who retired in April, the chances of that happening before I retire at the end of January are probably nonexistent.

And in light of her obsessive-compulsive need to have at least one body in the office (because it doesn't look good if someone comes by looking for assistance and there's no one there—even though every request is supposed to go through the Help Desk with a corresponding ticket generated—I fear that both Chris and I are going to be called upon to be back in the office full time if one or the other of us is on vacation or in training. Right now our respective in-office schedules mesh really well, so we're good as far as normal in-office coverage is concerned—although it's obviously better to have two guys on site instead of just one, but we're both hoping as long as one of us is there, that will be sufficient.

We're also hoping that because Derek is already in office nearly every day as it is—and is still a part of our team albeit in a totally different role—his presence and willingness to help out in person when remote won't do will preclude the need to fully return to the office.

You can't afford to quit. You can't afford to walk out. You might've been able to pull that off when you were younger, but not now. You have to wait for your retirement. 

Needless to say, my mood has been foul for the past twenty-four hours.